UNIVERSITY  OF  ILLINOIS 
LIBRARY 


MEMORIAL 


the  Class  of  1901 


founded  by 

HARLAN  HOYT  HORNER 

and 
HENRIETTA  CALHOUN  HORNER 


WAR     LETTERS 


A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


EMBRACING    HIS    EXPERIENCES 


AS 


HONEST  OLD  ABE'S  BOSOM  FRIEND  AND  UNOFFICIAL  ADYISEB, 


"Oar  lives  h»ve  been  like  twin  flowers  upon  a  lily's  stem; 
And  1st  us,  -when  we  uust  fall,  together  fall  like  them." 


NEW    YORK: 
FREDERIC  A.   BRADY,    PUBLISHER. 

No.  22  ANN  STKEBT. 
1864 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1664, 
BY  JOSEPH  BARBER, 

In   the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  Southern   District  ol 
New  York. 


H  4- 


TO 
ABRAHAM   LINCOLN   OP   ILLANNOY, 

THE 

LOFTIEST    OF   LIVIN   STATESMEN, 

EENOUND   ALIKE   FOE 

HIS    GEEAT    MILENTARY    TALONS. 

HIS 

FIRM  ADHEARANCE  TO  THE  CONSTITOOSHIN,  AND  FIDELITY 
TO  HIS  INAUGERASHIN  OATH, 

THIS     WUEK 

13 

AFFECKSHINATELY  INSKBIBED  BY 

THE  AUTHOR 


PUBLISHER'S    NOTE. 

The  orthographical  eccentricities  exhibited  in  the  following 
letters,  including  the  variety  of  ways  in  which  the  same  words 
are  spelled  in  different  parts  of  the  correspondence,  show  that 
the  writer  was  guided  by  no  fixed  rules  of  his  own  in  his  extra- 
ordinary (and  it  may  be  added  unconscious)  departures  from  the 
dicta  of  the  dictionaries. 

The  world  has  been  laughing  for  years  at  the  queer  spelling 
and  quaint  phraseology  of  the  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER  ;  but, 
underlying  all  this,  shrewd,  homely  philosophy,  and  biting 
sarcasm,  constitute  the  chief  merit  of  his  letters.  Some  of  them 
seem  almost  prescient  when  read  by  the  light  of  events  that 
have  occurred  since  they  first  appeared  in  print. 


PREFACE. 

The  Trends  that  lies  overperswaded  me  to  hev  the  ensooin  lit- 
tery perduckshins  bound  up  in  buck  form  for  the  bennyfit  of  our 
common  kentry,  insists  on  my  ritin  a  Preeface  to  them ;  and  the 
publisher,  who  is  naterally  ankshus  that  the  wurk  should  bo 
proffertable  to  hisself,  as  well  as  to  sosity,  hes  reckwested  me  to 
interdose  it  with  a  serious  of  preliniendary  remarks,  in  my  best 
vain.  Heving  allus  ben  uste  to  rite  onpremeditated,  on  the  sub- 
jestin  of  the  moment,  line  rayther  afeard  that  in  attemptin  to 
spred  myself,  I  shall  run  sum  risk  of  a  kullaps.  I  hev  knowd 
setch  misfortens  happen  to  men  of  the  most  brilyant  genus, 
when  they  tried  to  sore  beyant  the  lenth  of  nater's  tether. 

Howsever,  I  shell  do  my  best.  Webster's  Dickshinary — a 
vollum  witch  I  hev  sairtched  and  studded  more  keerfully  than 
enny  uther  publicashin  goin,  eggsept  the  skripters — ses  the  ob- 
jeck  of  a  Preeface  is  to  state  the  mane  desine  of  the  wurk.  Ef  I 
am  not  mistaken  in  the  vews  of  my  publisher,  the  mane  desine 
of  this  wurk  is  to  make  munny.  Leastways,  that's  his  desine. 

But  the  orther,  I  am  proud  to  say,  is  indooced  to  cast  the  fol- 
lerin  lines  afore  the  wurld  by  a  hyer  porpus.  My  life,  as  the 
kentry  is  awar,  hes  ben  full  of  wunderful  vississytoods,  from  the 
tune  I  was  Disbanded,  arter  the  Mexican  war,  to  the  present 
crysis.  First  I  made  my  pile  in  the  airly  days  of  Californy, 
shuvellin  up  gold  amung  the  Bigger  Injens ;  then  I  pardizzypa- 
ted  in  the  revolushinary  moovements  in  Payris ;  arterwards  I 
figgered  around  a  wile  in  London  ;  next  I  visited  Constantino- 
pul,  and  took  sarvis  with  the  late  Grand  Senior,  Addle-Mushed, 
onder  whose  banner  I  fit  in  the  Crymean  war ;  subsekwently  I 
emmygrated  to  Australy,  and  made  considabul  addishins  to  my 
pile  from  its  oderiferous  deposits  ;  later  I  tuck  up  my  abode  in 
New  York,  and  familiarised  myself  with  the  manners  and  cus- 
toms of  its  eggstrodinary  popalashin ;  still  later  I  went  on  an 


6  PREFACE. 

eggscursion  to  Springfield,  Illanoy,  and  finally  I  brort  up  at 
Washington,  whar  I  hang  out  at  present. 

The  happyest  event  in  my  life  occurd  at  Springfield,  Illanoy. 
Thar  I  found  a  frend  of  the  tallest  kind.  Need  I  say  that  frend 
was  ABRAHAM  LINCOLN.  That  poplar  Idle  lied  jest  ben  chosen 
President  by  the  vice  of  the  peeple.  From  that  hour  we  hev 
ben  wun  and  insuperable.  He  hes  ben  my  Valentine  and  I  hev 
ben  his  Arson.  Demon  and  Pithyass  was  not  more  affeckshin- 
ately  united.  I  accumpaned  him  to  the  Capitol  and  hev  ben 
his  confidenshal  adviser  ever  senst  he  assoomed  the  rains  of  pour 
and  began  to  shower  the  blessins  of  good  guverment  upon  this  fa- 
verd  land.  I  never  flatterd  him,  and  he  nose  it.  Jelus  Con- 
stitooshinal  Advisers  hev  endevored  to  make  breeches  atwixt 
us,  but  it  warnt  in  thar  boots  to  do  it  "We  hev  hed  our  tiffs, 
and  I  hev  sumtimes  spoken  my  mind  about  him  in  my  curry- 
spondence,  with  a  straitforrardness  that  would  hev  subjeckted 
ennyboddy  else  to  a  letter  de  catch  it,  and  a  melankoly  emprison- 
ment  in  Fort  Laugheryet.  "  But  no,"  sed  his  Eggsellency,  "  he 
means  well,  and  I  won't  hev  him  mislested." 

I  hev  called  this  vollum  "  The  War  Letters  of  a  Disbanded 
Volunteer",  bekase  the  most  of  the  epistols  hes  ben  written 
senst  the  war  cominenst,  tho  it  will  be  seen  that  they  begin  im- 
mediently  arter  the  eleckshin  of  my  illustrus  frend.  The  read- 
er will  nolis  thars  a  brake  in  the  curryspondence.  It  stops  at 
April  4,  1861,  and  runs  on  agen  from  July  4  of  the  same  year. 
Doorin  the  hihaters  I  was  engaged  in  activ  pershoots,  and  hed 
no  time  for  letteratoor.  But  the  moment  it  was  possabul  I  re- 
turnt  to  Abraham,  who  tuck  me  back  with  rapter  to  his  bizness 
and  buzzum.  In  conclushin,  I  would  say  that  my  idee  in  pub- 
lershin  the  letters  in  a  collected  form  is,  to  place  the  karrick- 
ter  and  sarvices  of  that  Destingwished  Statesman  in  lhar  troo 
light  afore  my  kentrymen,  with  a  vew  to  biass  and  inflewence 
thar  feelins  and  judgments,  when  they  go  to  the  poles,  in  No- 
vember next 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


CONTENTS. 

LETTER  PAGE 

I.— The  Disbanded  Volunteer  Complains  that  his  whereabouts  has 
been  Misrepresented,  and  Explains  that  he  is  on  a  Visit  to  Mr. 
Lincoln,  President-Elect,  at  Springfield,  Illinois,  .  .  .11 
II. — He  Refers  to  Mr.  Lincoln's  Difficulties  with  the  Office-seekers, 
and  Hints  that  Old  Abe's  Forte  is  Conundrums,  of  which  he  In- 
troduces some  Lively  Specimens, 13 

III. — Interesting  Incidents  of  Old  Abe's  Journey  from  Springfield  to 

Washington, 16 

IV. — More  about  the  Journey,  and  some  very  remarkable  Jokes  by 

his  Excellency-Elect, 19 

V.— Perils  on  the  Route— The  Assassination  Plot— The  Alarm  of  the 
Ladies— The  Bolt  from  Harrisburgh— Old  Abe  and  the  Dis- 
banded in  Washington, 22 

VI. — Remarks  on  the  Inaugural — A  Shower  of  Conundrums — Won- 
derful Humor  of  A.  L., 25 

VII. — The  Disbanded  Ventures  an  Opinion  (not "a  very  correct  one)  as 
to  the  Probabilities  of  War—More  Comic  Hits  by  the  Star  of 

the  West 27 

VIII.— The  President,  in  View  of  his  Heavy  Responsibilities,  Becomes 

Serious  and  Jokes  lugubriously, 30 

IX.— The  Disbanded  is  slightly  Disgusted  with  Matters  and  Things  in 
Washington,  and  Resolves  to  Leave  that  City  and  Intermit 

his  Letters  for  a  while, 33 

X. — The  Veteran,  after  an  Intermission  of  three  Months,  Recom- 
mences his  Correspondence — He  has  been  Offered  a  Brigadier- 
Generalship,  but  Declined, 35 

XI. — Queer  Communication  of  Jeff  Davis  to  the  President — A  Chal- 
lenge, and  how  the  Messenger  who  Brought  it  was  Treated — 

Mendacious  Reports  of  the  Situation, 37 

XII.— Shoddy  Swindlers—"  On  to  Richmond"— The  Army  on  the  War 

Path, 40 

XIII.— Battle  of  Bull  Run— The  Disbanded  Cheers  up  Old  Abe,    .       .    43 
XIV. — Reports  and  Rumors — Prince  Napoleon  at  the  White  House 

Banquet — Button-busters  Extraordinary 46 

XV. — The  Disbanded  Pitches  into  the  "  Washington  Correspondents", 
and  Tells  as  big  a  Story  as  any  of  them  without  Violating  any 

Confidence,       .       .       .       .         :     .  ' 49 

XVI.— W.  H.  Russell,  LL.D.,  gets  a  Dressing  for  his  Report  of  the  Bull 

Run  Battle, 52 

XVII. — Female  Spies  in  Washington — How  they  Convey  "  Aid  and  Com- 

form  to  the  Enemy" 54 

XVIII.— The  Fort  Hatteras  Victory'— Professor  Low— Tribulations  of  the 

Petticoat  Traitors, 57 

XIX. — Views  of  the  Cabinet  on  the  War — Compliment  to  the  Emperor 

of  Russia, 60 

XX. — An  Avalanche  of  Humor  from  the  White  House — published  by 

permission, 63 

XXI. — Minutes  of  a  Remarkable  Conversation  with  Mr.  Lincoln — The 

Disbanded's  Advice  to  him, 66 

XXII. — News  from  Rebeldom  Picked  up  by  the  Disbanded's  Private 

Spy, 68 

XXIII.— A  Cull  at  the  Executive  Mansion— Sparks  of  Wit— The  Dis- 
banded Hungry  for  a  Fight, 71 


8  CONTENTS. 

LE/YBR.  PAGE 

XXIV.— The  Edward's  Ferry  Disaster— A  Heavy  Dig  at  Military  In- 

competency, 73 

XXV.— The  Disbanded  Relates  the  Particulars  of  a  Diabolical  Dream 

he  had, 76 

XXVI.— Didactic,  but  funny, 78 

XXVII.— A  Grand  Crow  over  Dupont's  Naval  Victory  at  Hilton  Head,    81 
XXVIII.— Tenderness  to  Spies  and  Traitors— Mason  and  Slidell,  .        .    84 
XXIX.— The  "  On  to  Richmond"  Yawp— A  Chat  with  McClellan  and 

Abe— Wonderful  Facettousness  of  the  latter,        .        .        .86 
XXX.— Satirical  Passage-at-arms  between  the  President  and  Secre- 
tary Cameron — The  Secretary  Floored,         .        .        .        .89 
XXXI.— The  Disbanded  Touches  on  the  Negro  Soldier  Question- 
Slightly — Louis  Philippe's  Grandsons    .        .        .        .        .92 
XXXII.— The  Row  with  England  about  the  Trent— A  Prediction  that 

no  War  will  Come  of  it, 94 

XXXIII.— Christmas  Day  (1861),  in  Camp  at  Arlington  Heights— The 

Banquet  and  the  Toasts— Fun  Alive, 97 

XXXIV.— The  Disbanded  Pitches  into  Official  Corruption— A  Regular 

Flaying  of  the  Public  Thieves, 100 

XXXV.— The  Jokes  Attributed  by  the  Disbanded  to  Abe,  all  Authentic 

— Official  Confirmation  of  their  Genuineness       .        .        .  103 
XXXVI.— Another  Hit.at  the  Corruptionists— News  from  Dixie— Petti- 
coats Taken  for  Wadding, 105 

XXXVII.— A  Bitter  Raid  on  the  Shoddyites— The  Van  Wyck  Report— A 

Mistake  about  Charleston, 107 

XXXVIII.— Glorious  News  from  the  South  and  West— The  President 

Lets  himself  Out  on  the  Occasion — Humor  in  Chunks, 
XXXIX.— The  Disbanded  Rejoices  over  Recent  Victories— The  Presi-  110 

dent's  Birthday — Secession  in  a  Funk, 113 

XL. — Jeff  Davis's  Inauguration,  Convulsively  Reported,         .        .  115 
XL!.— Astounding  Rumors  !— The  Censors  of  the  Press— Old  Abe's 
Proposition  to   Bribe   the    Slaveholders   to    Emancipate 

their  Darkeys, ,.,..".       .       .117 

XLII.— The   Disbanded   in   the    Field!— What   he    Picked   up  at 

Manassas, 120 

LXIII. — Amazing  Exploits  of  the  Veteran— His  Sword  Mightier  than 

his  Pen, 123 

XLIV. — The    Disbanded    Fights   his    Battles   o'er    Again — exten- 
sively,          128 

XLV.— Tho  Military  Reptile  Snaking  Along— Rebels  on  the  Run,    .  129 
XL VI.— The  Disbanded  on  McClellan's  Staff— A  Superhuman  Army 

— Rumors  about  the  Merrimac, 132 

XL VII.— The  Sacred  Soil  in  April— Balloon  Investigations— A  Bit  of 

Quiet  Satire,  but  Strong, 134 

XLVIIL— Proposed  Assault  on  Yorktown,  Rain  or  Shine— The  D.  V. 

Hopes  to  Write  his  next  Letter  in  the  Rebel  Works,    .       .  137 
XLIX. — He  Ascends  in  a  Balloon,  and  Comes  Down  in  a  Parachute,  141 
L. — Williamsburg  Evacuated  by  the  Rebs— A  Fearful  Vision — 

The  Disbanded  Blown  up — mildly, 144 

LI.— He  is  Tormented  by  Disloyal  Mocking-Birds — Warm  Wel- 
come from  Cuffee,  Dinah  &  Co., 147 

LIT. — Only  Nine  Miles  from  Richmond  ! 150 

LIII. — A  Slap  at  Beauregard — McClellan  the  Idol  of  the  Army  of 

the  Potomac — A  Sly  Dig  at  Banks, 151 

LIV.— The  Battle  of  Fair  Oaks— Miraculous  Escape  of  the  Dis- 
banded— Only  Three  Miles  from  Richmond  !        .       .        .  154 
LV.— A  Lull,  which  the  D.  V.  Improves  to  make  a  few  Remarks  on 

the  Battle, 157 

LVi.— Spades  are  Trumps — Refugee  Stories,  Rich,  if  not  Reliable,  159 
L VII.— The  Great  Fight  at  Hand— McClellan  quotes  the  Divine  Wil- 
liam— H.  J.  Raymond  on  the  Crusades,         ....  162 
LVIII.— "  We  are  Whipt"— The  Army  Holds  Stanton  Responsible,    .  165 
LIX. — Harrison's  Landing— Visit  of  the  President,  who  Exchanges 

Jokes  with  the  D.  V., .       .168 

LX. — Bitter  Pokes  at  the  Mercenary  Politicians — What  the  Soldiers 

Think, 171 


CONTENTS.  9 

LETTER  PAGE 

LXI. — Horrors  of  Congestive  Fever — Almost  Incredible  Hallu- 
cinations of  the  Disbanded, 173 

LX1I. — He    Grumbles   at  the   Result   of  the    Peninsular    Cam- 
paign,         176 

LXIII. — Tne  Army  Advances  Backward,  but  is  Going  to  do  Wonders, 

by-and-by, 179 

LXIV. — Aquia  Creek — All  Newspaper  Correspondents  (except  the 
D.  V.)  Ordered  to  Leave — Union  Plans  for  the  Coming 
Campaign  in  the  Hands  of  the  Enemy  !  182 

LXV. — Washington  Probably  Safe — Lincoln  Cheerful,  and  Mrs.  L. 

Salubrious, 185 

LXVI. — Confidential  Relations  between  the  Disbanded  and  the  Pres- 
ident,   188 

LXVII. — Things  go  along  Pretty  Nicely,  under  their  Joint  Manage- 
ment,   191 

LXVI1I. — The  Disbanded  Claims  the  Emancipation  Proclamation  as 

his  Thunder, 194 

LXIX.— Honest  Abe's  Estimate  of  the  Cost  of  sending  4,000,000  of 

Contrabands  to  Hayti, 197 

LXX. — A  Defence  of  the  President,  and  a  Specimen  of  his  Unparal- 
leled Humor 199 

LXXI. — Inconveniences  of  being  known  as  Old  Abe's  Right-hand 

Man, 203 

LXXIL— Proposed  Theatricals  at  the  White  House— Another  Side- 
splitter  by  its  Gifted  Occupant, 206 

LXXIIL — Perfect  Harmony  of  Opinion  between  the  President  and  His 

Disinterested  Adviser— Their  Joint  Views,  ...         209 
LXXIV.— The  President  in  Caucus  with  the  Disbanded— A  Possum 

Story, 211 

LXXV.— Discouragements— Old  Abe  Wavers, 214 

LXXVI. — The  Disbanded  is  Consulted  about  the  Message — He  Assists 

to  Get  it  up, 217 

LXXVII. — Mr.  Stanton,  under  Pressure,  Concludes  to  Open  the  "  Bas- 

tiles", 219 

LXXVI1I. — The  Message  Discussed — Approaching  Movements  of  the 

Army, 222 

LXXIX.— Dash  Across  the  Rappahannock— The  D.  V.  Takes  the  Re- 
sponsibility— A  Palaver  with  Old  Abe, 225 

LXXX.— Another  Curious  Confab  with  Mr.  Lincoln— His  Resignation 

Suggested— Tall  Talk, 228 

LXXXI. — The  Disbanded  Cauterizes  Incompetency,    .       .       .       .231 
LXXXII.— He  Commences  the  New  Year  (1863)  in  a  Bitterly  Sarcastic 

Vein 234 

LXXXIII.— A  Very  Remarkable  Conversation  on  the  Emancipation 

Act,  &c.,  <fec., 237 

LXXXIV.— Trying  to  Ruin  a  Great  Country— Apology  for  the  Presi- 
dent,   239 

LXXXV.— The  Disbanded  Endeavors  to  Show  that  Mr.  Lincoln  is  not 

a  Foo-foo, 242 

LXXXVI.— Hon.  Gideon  Welles  Gets  it  Hot  and  Heavy,        .       .       ,244 
LXXXVIi.— The  Sabine  Pass  Affair— More  Brigadiers— Fidelity  of  the 

Disbanded  to  the  President, 247 

LXXXVIII.— The  Conscription— Soldiers'  Pay, 249 

LXXXIX.— Honest  Old  Abe  &  Co.  the  Strongest  Political  Firm  on 

Earth— Pressure  for  Halleck's  Removal,    .       .       .       .252 
XC.— Sketch  of  the  President's  Antecedents— His  Mild  and  Moth- 
erly Nature, 255 

XCI.— Shoulder    Straps    in    Showers— Provost    Marshals— The 

"  Hard-Tack"  Question, 258 

XCIL— Butler  and  Fry— The  Disbanded  Poetizes — Capturing  a 

Brigadier  in  his  Night-Shirt, 261 

XCIII.— Sarcastic  to  the  Last  Degree,  especially  on  Welles,    .        .  263 
XCIV.— The  Situation— Mr.  Lincoln  Declines  to  be  as  Funny  as 

Usual,  until  after  the  Fast, 266 

XCV.— The  Copperhead  Collapse  in  Connecticut— Millinery  Riots 

at  Richmond, 269 


10  CONTENTS. 

LETTER  PAGE 

XCVI.— The  Check  at  Charleston— The  Disbanded's  Prophecy  Con- 
firmed,  271 

XCVII.— Things  Look  Brighter  for  E  Pluribus  Unum— The  Sacred  Soil 

Drying  up, 274 

XCVIII.— A  Ride  in   the   Suburbs   of   Washington— Dialogue   with  a 

"Buckskin", 278 

XCIX.— The  Chancellorsville  Battle— General  Schurz's  Division  on  the 

Stampede, 279 

C. — Supposed  Victory  a  Defeat — Hooker's  Retreat,  ....  282 
CI.— A  Talk  with  Abraham  about  Arbitrary  Arrests,  .        .        .        .285 
CII.— A  Cabinet  Meeting— Wonderful  Wit  and  'Cuteness  of  the  Presi- 
dent— The  Secretaries  Floored, 287 

CIII. — His  Excellency's  Prophetic  Wisdom  Confirmed  by  Facts — 

Praying  and  Believing,       ...:....  290 
CIV.— The  Father  of  Fibs  at  Work— Contradictory  Rumors— The 

President  Non-committal, 293 

CV.— Curious  Plans  for  Defending  Washington — Mr.  Lincoln  is  not 

a  Bit  Afraid, 296 

CVI.— The  Disbanded  is  Reticent—Declines  Telling  all  he  Knows— 

Racy  Talk  with  Hooker, 299 

CVII. — A  Reconnoissance  in  Disguise  Resolved  upon  by  the  Dis- 
banded— Description  of  his  Disguise 302 

CVIII.— He  Passes  Through  Many  Perils  Unharmed,  and  Returns  to 

Abraham's  Bosom, 305 

CIX.— The  Veteran  gives  his  Opinion  of  the  New  York  Riots— He 

Exults  over  Late  Union  Successes, 308 

CX.— He  Hopes  for  a  Speedy  Peace,  and  a  Reconstructed  Union,    .  310 


WAR    LETTERS 
A  DISBANDED  YOLUNTEEK. 


No.  I. 

[Upon  the  whole,  we  are  glad  to  learn  that  the  Disbanded 
Volunteer  is  to  accompany  the  President-elect  to  the  District  of 
Columbia.  The  P.  E.  will  find  the  D.  V.  a  safe  man,  and  the 
more  frequently  he  consults  him  after  arriving  in  the  D.  C.,  the 
better  for  the  U.  S.  As  the  D.  V.  will  probably  correspond  with 
the  S.  T.  from  Washington,  and  as  the  former  is  probably  hand- 
in-glove  with  A.  L.,  we  may  be  enabled,  through  his  agency,  to 
keep  our  readers  posted  up  as  to  what  is  going  on  in  Abraham's 
bosom. — EDS.] 

SPBINGFIELD,  ILLAYNOY,  Janurary  30, 1801. 
JSddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Times : 

I  notiss  that  in  answerin  a  curryspondent,  you  locat  me  in  the 
Centril  Floury  Kingdum,  assistin  to  give  the  natives  rats. 
"  Well,"  ses  I,  on  readin  the  remark,  "  ef  that  ainfr  purty  kool, 
Ime  a  teapot.  Here,"  ses  I,  "  lies  the  Britishers  and  the  French 
ben  a  plunderin  the  Chiny  pallises  and  hairein  ad  libertine,  and 
line  sot  down  as  hevin  ben  a  backin  and  abettin  on  em."  I  dont 
purtend  to  be  no  grate  shakes  of  a  morolist,  but  you  shudder 
node  me  better  n  that.  Onjest  slorter  is  a  serious  bizness, 
and  Ive  allus  cunsiclerd  the  alliegashuns  of  the  allies  agen 
the  Chinees  a  shainful  subterfudge.  The  real  casus  belly  was 
becase  the  Chinee  dienasty  sed  the  poppylashin  shuddent  be 
piseiied  with  extract  of  poppies.  They  diddent  deny  that  the  pee- 
ple  was  too  thick  on  the  ground,  but  they  went  ded  agen  re- 
ducin  the  nashinal  senses  with  lodlum.  England,  hevin  the 
drug  for  sale,  immediently  purseeded  to  give  em  fits,  and  bein  a 
Christian  nashin,  with  all  the  mocldern  improvements,  she 
Buckseded  at  last,  with  the  help  of  Providence  and  the  Hero  of 


12  WAR    LETTERS    OF 

Sulplrarino,  in  takin  the  Celestil  city.  The  hull  consarn  re- 
minds me  of  the  latter  eend  of  Fair  llosymound,  as  was  cut  off 
in  her  prime  with  a  dillyterus  drag.  She  was  respeckfully  re- 
kwested  to  take  her  chice  atween  a  pint  of  proosic  assid  and  a 
pint  of  a  pineyard,  and  preferd  the  former.  Thar  was  this  differ- 
ence, howsever,  in  favor  of  Rosymound :  she  got  off  with  swal- 
lerin  the  pisin,  while  the  onfortnit  Chinees  hed  to  take  the  steal 
and  the  pisin  both. 

It  warnt  the  clene  thing,  eddytnrs,  to  mix  me  in  with  setch 
disrighteous  dooins.  But,  prehaps,  arter  all,  you  oney  rnent  to 
wake  me  up,  and  get  me  to  resoom  my  epistolary  correspondence. 
Ef  so,  let  byguns  be  byguns. 

I  spose,  on  seein  the  date  of  this  letter,  you'll  say  to  yourselves, 
"  What  ken  the  venabul  old  cuss  be  up  to  in  the  prayery  state  ?" 
Well,  line  on  a  speshil  mishin  of  my  own.  line  studdyin  "  old 
Abe."  He  bleves  in  me,  and  I  can  tell  you  as  much  about  his 
idees  as  he  nose  himself,  and  mebbe  more.  I  call  on  him  every 
day,  rain  or  shine,  and  things  he  woodent  open  his  hed  about 
to  Thirlo  Weed  is  freely  disgust  atween  us.  Ses  he  to  me,  the 
other  day,  "  D.  V." — that's  his  koncise  way  of  shortenin  my  in- 
cog, cognomen — "  D.  V.,"  ses  he,  "  do  you  reely  think  the  hull 
South  will  disune  and  secess  ?" 

"  That  depends,  Lincoln,"  says  I,  for  I  warnt  agoin  to  commit 
myself  too  suddently. 

He  peered  berried  in  refleckshin  for  a  few  moments,  and  then 
remarkt : 

"  Woodent  extendin  Mason  and  Dickerson's  line  from  Cape 
Cod  to  Cuby  satisfy  em,  or  must  it  be  the  pairalel  of  2:40  from 
Conneticut  to  Congo  river  ?" 

"  Abe,"  I  respondid,  "  you  tork  like  a  statesman,  and  wot's 
better,  like  a  United  Statesman.  The  frends  of  Union  look  up 
to  you.  Thar  cry  is  curnprommis." 

"  Yas,"  ses  he  ;  "  it's  all  very  well  to  say  cum  prommis,  but  wot 
am  I  to  promis  ?  That's  whar  the  wedge  binds.  Here's  all  the 
ultree-black  republicans  threttenin  me  with  a  gorilla  warfare  ef  I 
suckum  to  the  South,  and  the  South  threttenin  to  jerk  the  presi- 
denshil  cheer  from  onder  me  onless  I  put  it  on  thar  platform." 

"  Lincoln,"  ses  I,  "  the  oney  chanst  for  you  is  a  middle  curse — 
the  just  melee,  as  the  French  say.  Dout  buck  agen  Silly,  and 
dont  get  siwggecl  on  Caribadibs,  but  put  your  helium  amid- 
ships, and  drop  a  little  goos-greece  on  the  ragin  bellows  as  you 
pole  along.  Ef  South  Caroliny  chewses  to  sow  the  wind  and 
rip  the  worldwind,  let  her  rip.  Jest  you  be  governed  by  thd 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  13 

preposisliing    of    the  border  states,  and  they'll  take  keer  the 
Union  issent  clisconjuncled." 

Snatchin  my  hand  with  considabul  emoshin,  wile  a  saft  ex- 
prcsshin  cum  over  his  naterally  hard  phizmahogany,  the  old 
feller  exclaimed,  "  Youre  rite,  D.  V.  I  lecl  youre  rite — I  feel  it 
here,"  continued  he,  smitin  his  westcut ;  "  but  ef  I  foller  your 
advice  and  my  own  inklingashins,  I  shall  be  stickmatised  as  a 
doeface  by  all  deer  frends  as  wants  me  to  take  the  bull  by  the 
horns." 

"  Not  a  bit  of  it,"  ses  I — "  thar  bound  to  sale  in  your  bote  en- 
nyhow,  bein  as  Congress  is  ded  agen  em  and  they  hevent  no- 
whars  else  to  go.  You  jest  cum  out  rayshinal  in  favor  of  a  fair 
cumprommis  in  black  and  white,  and  you'll  nock  the  disrup- 
shinists  hyer'n  a  kite." 

And  I  shuddent  wonder  ef  he  dun  it.  He  seems  to  me  to  be 
of  a  flexibull  and  cumpliaut  natur,  without  mutch  back-bone  to 
him — but  that  remanes  to  be  seen. 

He  studdies  the  Constitooshin  aciduously,  but  hesent  yet  made 
tip  his  mind  what  constitoots  treson.  He  ses  "  aid  and  comfort" 
is  setch  vaig  frayseology,  that  he  can't  get  the  hang  of  it.  I  bleve, 
liowsever,  he  .cunsidders  runaway  niggers  seezable  under  the 
claws  tutchin  fellers  held  to  servis,  and  allows  that  the  hed  of 
the  guvernment  should  be  guided  by  the  fundymental  basis.  So 
you  perceev  that  peepul  who  insists  as  Abe  hesent  got  beyond 
his  a  b,  abs,  in  pollytickle  skience,  is  libellious  no-nothins. 

The  President  eleck  wishes  me  to  go  on  to  "Washington  with 
him,  which  I  hev  consented,  for  I  mistrust  that  sum  of  them 
eastern  fannytix  will  play  Hale  Columby  with  his  prospecks,  ef 
he's  left  to  thar  tender  musses,  without  a  troo  frend  at  his  elbo. 

Whenever  I  ken  let  you  no  wot's  uppermost  in  his  mind, 
without  a  breech  of  honor,  you  may  expeck  to  larn  sumthin  of 
Old  Abe's  sayins  and  dooins  from 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER,. 


No.  n. 

[Our  rough  and  ready  correspondent  seems  to  be  having  a 
glorious  time  with  the  Star  of  the  West,  who  is  so  soon  to  illu- 
minate the  national  horizon.  Mr.  Lincoln  cannot  do  better  than 
cultivate  the  acquaintance  of  that  eccentric  man,  whose  honesty 


14  WAB     LETTERS     Off 

is  considerably  more  reliable  than  his  orthography,  and  who  can 
read  human  nature  like  a  book,  although  he  makes  wild  work 
with  the  grammar  and  dictionary.  It  gives  us  pleasure  to  leam 
1hat  the  President-elect  keeps  a  stiff  upper  lip,  in  spite  of  the 
portentous  fog  that  lowers  around  him,  but  which  we  sincerely 
hope  he  Avill  see  through.  There  is  nothing  like  a  cheerful 
frame  of  mind  in  the  midst  of  difficulty,  for  which  see  your  "  Pil- 
grim's Progress",  and  when  found  make  a  note  of!  Any  au- 
thentic information  touching  the  sayings,  doings,  dreamings,  or 
other  mental,  physical,  or  psychological  manifestations  of  the 
N.  P.  F.,  who  is  so  soon  to  take  the  place  of  the  O.  P.  F.,  will 
doubtless  be  received  with  eagerness  by  an  anxious  world. — 
EDS.] 

SPRINGFIELD,  ILLANOY,  February  6, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  (he  Sunday  Times : 

I  spose  youve  heern  that  the  incurnrnin  presidenshil  incum- 
berant  puts  out  from  this  place  on  Monday  next,  to  take  the  egg- 
secative  cheer  at  the  sete  of  guvment.  Not  apprehendin  enny- 
thing  serious  in  Merryland,  he  refuses  a  milentary  escort  from 
his  sucker  and  hoosyour  Irends.  He  will  travil  as  ushil  by  rail, 
and  with  no  other  defensiv  weeping  but  a  maul  and  a  wood  ax. 
It  is  understood  that  sartain  paytryots  as  desines  to  sarve  their 
kentry  under  his  patternage.  and  tharfor  naterally  takes  an  in- 
terest in  the  sekurity  of  thar  princypal,  hes  sent  him  a  shirt  of 
male  ;  but  bein  a  man  of  irun  nerves  and  full  of  grit,  he  declines 
the  addishin  to  his  wardrub,  and  will  ware  cotton  next  his  skin, 
in  cornplynaent  to  the  leadin  staypull  of  the  South.  Ankshus 
to  identify  hisself  with  the  intrests  of  that  rejin,  he  hes  put  his- 
self  on  a  strict  regiment  of  South  Caroliny  rice  and  Louseanna 
lasses,  and  is  larnin  to  combust  the  Weed,  in  order  to  srnoak  the 
pipe  of  peace  with  Old  Virgimry. 

The  post  offices  here  doos  a  lively  bizness  on  old  Abe's  ac- 
kount.  Eite  in  the  center  of  the  eddifiz  stands  what  is  none  as 
the  Lincoln  Letter  Bin.  It  is  about  twiste  the  bigness  of  an  orn- 
ary  hog  troft,  and  six  sorten  fellers  is  continally  pitchin  inter  it 
nite  and  day.  Mebbe  it  mought  be  discurridging  to  sum  of  the 
orthurs  of  the  missifs  to  no  wot  becums  of  thar  stashinary — but 
I  forbare.  Suffisit  to  remark  that  the  lines  doosent  allus  fall  in 
plesent  places.  Being  as  frendly  with  the  President  eleck  as 
Demon  and  Pythiass,  in  the  play,  he  sends  me  about  hafe  a  bush- 
il  of  letters  every  mornin,  and  I  larf  tell  I  cry  as  I  run  my  eyea 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  15 

over  em.  If,  as  Douglas  remarkt  to  his  mot'ier  arter  the  peepul 
squelched  him,  "  the  post  of  honor  is  the  private's  stashin," 
Abe's  flatterers  and  parricides  doosent  see  it,  for  they  all  go  in 
for  being  public  ossifurs.  Frinstince,  ail  the  littery  fellers  as 
got  out  Lincoln  Lives — and  thars  more  of  em  than  ever  a  cat  had 
— wants  to  be  rernunnyrated  for  thar  talons  outer  the  uayshunal 
puss.  Over  a  hundred  eddyturs  claims  to  hev  ben  the  fust  to 
hyst  the  Lincoln  banner,  and  to  hev  waived  it  throo  the  canvass 
and  sported  it  at  the  poles  with  unflaggin  zeal.  Uppards  of  a 
thousand  Wide  Awakes  in  New  York  and  Philadelphy  rekwires 
a  fittin  recompence  for  thar  onsleepin  vigelense,  and  ninety 
Lincoln  Minnit  Men  in  Boston  lies  petishinecl  to  be  made  night 
watches.  Evry  male  delivery  brings  scores  of  solicitashins  for 
first-class  births,  and  ef  hafe  the  demands  for  guvment  pap  was 
complide  with,  the  treshury  woodent  be  long  in  a  solvent  state. 
You'd  be  rayther  tuck  aback  to  see  sum  of  the  dockanients  from 
the  big  bugs  of  the  party,  full  of  the  contemptablest  kinder  in- 
derogatories,  and  meener  by  chorks  than  euny  beggin  letter  as 
was  ever  handed  to  you  by  a  travelin  mendacant.  Sum  fokes  as 
is  cunsidered  high-minded  statesmen  by  the  No-Nothins,  would 
be  cut  down  suddently,  and  nuthin  shorter,  ef  the  nature  of  thar 
aspirashins  was  genally  none.  I  name  no  names,  but  its  lucky 
for  sartin  parties  that  Old  Abe  turned  the  manyscrips  over  to  an 
onabull  man. 

The  incummin  eggseckativ,  altho  aperiently  firm,  is  of  a  comic 
nater  and  fond  of  a  joak.  Sum  considder  him  stiff  and  lofty, 
but  he  lies  no  objeckshin  to  unbend  when  he  sits  down  for  a  so- 
shil  evenin  with  a  frend.  Oridgenal  cannondrums  is  his  fort 
Ses  he  to  me  the  other  night,  as  we  was  takin  our  old  rye  togeth- 
er— he  drinks  rye  coffy  and  me  rye  whisky — "  D.  V.,"  ses  he, "  why 
is  the  hed  of  the  nashin  like  no  utber  hed  in  the  nashin?"  I 
tride  to  wurk  it,  but  it  was  nogo,  so  I  gin  it  up.  "  Why,  you 
donkey,"  ses  he,  "bekase  he  goes  in  for  four  'ears."  Purty 
smart  that,  warn't  it  now  ?  I  told  him  so,  and  by  way  of  keepin 
up  the  fire,  axed  him  why  he  was  like  Robin  Hood's  coat.  He 
caved  in  on  that,  and  I  explaned  that  he  was  like  Robin  Hood's 
coat  bekase  he  was  Lincoln  green.  He  sed  he  couldent  see  that 
or  enny  other  man.  Arter  mewsing  awhile,  he  inkwired  if  I 
could  inform  him  how  he  made  his  way  to  distinkshin.  I  re- 
plide,  "  Prehaps  by  chanst."  "  No,"  ses  he,  with  a  smild  that 
shode  his  opin  countenance  to  grate  advantidge  ;  "  I  axed  it." 
And  then  he  larfed  till  I  thort  he'd  split.  Rekiverin  hisself,  he 
told  me  he'd  got  a  fust  chop  riddle  in  his  hed  for  Bucannon,  and 


10  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

he  ment  to  let  him  hev  it  on  the  steps  of  the  Capitol,  jest  before 
he  swore  in.  "  Spit  it  out,"  ses  I.  "  Here  goes,"  ses  he,  and  de- 
coned  it  out  as  follers  :  "  Why  is  Abraham  Lincoln  likely  to  be 
a  silent  president  ?" 

"  Do  you  think  Old  Buck'll  give  that  up  ?"  ses  he. 

"  Ef  he  gesses  it,"  I  ansered,  "  his  organ  of  farseeshusness  is 
bigger'n  mine." 

"  Wall,"  he  broke  in,  "  I'll  tell  you  why  Abraham  Linkin  is 
likely  to  be  a  silent  president :  it's  bekase  he  intends  to  avide 
openin  his  mouth  onnessarily,  for  feer  he  should  put  his  foot  in  it." 

Whool  say  the  old  rail-splitter  is  a  fool  arter  that  ? 

I  bleeve  I  menshend  in  my  last  that  the  venabull  flat  boteman 
hed  invited  me  to  accumpany  him  to  the  Deestrict  of  Columby. 
We  shall  go  throo  Sinsinnaty,  Buffylo,  Albany,  Harrassburg,  and 
Bawltomore,  and  mebbe  drap  in  at  Philadelfy  and  New  York, 
ef  we  take  a  noshin.  Onless  attact  and  disbursed  by  the  enemy, 
on  the  rout,  we  may  be  looked  for  at  Washington  about  the  21st. 

Ef  you  desire  it,  I  ken  keep  you  fully  posted  up  in  relashin 
to  Old  Abe's  sayins  and  doins,  and  cetery,  which  as  he  is  at  pres- 
ent the  sinnershure  of  all  eyes,  I  spose  will  be  interestin  to  your 
inquizitiv  readers. 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  III. 

[True  to  his  promise,  the  eccentric  old  war-horse  keeps  us  post- 
ed up  as  to  the  sayings  and  doings  of  the  "  coming  man."  Our 
readers,  who  are  well  acquainted  with  the  scrupulous  veracity 
which  has  always  characterized  the  letters  of  D.  V.,  and  cannot 
fail  to  remember  the  remarkable  manner  in  which  his  sagacious 
predictions  have  been,  from  time  to  time,  fulfilled,  will,  no  doubt, 
accord  that  credit  to  his  statements  and  foreshadowings  which, 
judging  from  the  past,  they  fully  and  fairly  deserve. — EDS.] 

COLUMBUS,  February  13, 1861—11  p.  M. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Times : 

As  Richmound  ses  in  the  play,  "  Thus  far  inter  the  bowils  of 
the  land  have  we  propelled  without  impedament."  No  rox  on 
the  trax ;  no  fatil  blunderbushes  fired  at  us  by  suthern  emiseries ; 
no  suttle  pisin  in  the  Hidesick  and  Mungoheeler ;  no  blowin  up 
with  infarnal  mashins  ;  no  preconsarticl  snake-heels  ;  no  hissin 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  17 

even — nuthiu,  in  fack,  but  "  Giv  us  yer  hand,  ole  woodchuck !" 
"  Three  cheers  fur  the  Illanoy  ripstaver!"  "Make  the  chips  fly 
outer  the  palmettos,  old  hoss !"  and  other  curteus  expressions, 
denotin  a  poplar  fewroar  in  favor  of  the  imminent  sucker  states- 
man. 

It  is  onnesessary  to  giv  you  the  particklers  of  our  rout,  \vitcli 
hes  hen  a  mity  triump.  Everywhars  whar  Uncle  Abe  hes  held 
a  levy,  he  hes  ben  visited  by  as  menny  peeple  as  could  be  wedged 
inter  the  ruin.  Nowhars  hes  he  ben  maultreated.  His  orashins 
hes  ben  short,  but  moddist — the  nub.  of  em  bein  that  he  hes  a 
harder  ro  to  ho  than  George  Washington  ever  had,  and  that  ef 
Provideuse  will  oney  stiffen  his  back-bone,  and  keep  his  hands 
from  blisterin,  he  intends  to  ro  it  out  in  full,  and  sow  the  seed  of 
cverlastin  peas  and  plenty  in  the  futer. 

In  this  sitty,  he  gin  his  vews  to  the  Legislatur  with  mutch  ap- 
plaws ;  and  at  the  bankwit  this  evening,  at  Guvner  Denizen's, 
he  made  a  speetch  witch  sumboddy  pronounst  worthy  of  a  Sis- 
syrow.  Never  hevin  heerd  of  Sissyrow,  I  inkwired  whar  he 
haled  from,  and  lamed  from  a  yung  lawyir  as  sot  neer  me,  that 
he  was  a  favorit  stump  speeker  amung  the  Rumniuns,  who  was 
finerly  murdered  for  party  resins  while  on  a  jurney.  I  thort  the 
illushin  ominus.  We  hed  a  fine  band  of  mewsishiners  to  toot 
arter  the  toasts,  and  as  the  incuunnin  President  konkluded-  his 
harang,  they  gin  us,  "Cease,  rood  Boreas,  blusterin  Railer," 
about  as  strong  as  brass  could  blow  it.  Delikit  compliment, 
warn't  it?  He  felt  it  as  setch,  and  reethin  his  remarkabul  fe- 
turs  with  smiles,  retired  to  his  pillar  to  dream,  no  dout,  of  the 
high  post  that  awates  him  at  Washington. 

Airly  to-morro  mornin  we  start  for  the  morril  but  bytoorninus 
sitty  of  Pittsbug,  "witch,  I  onderstand,  is  the  smuttiest  place  in 
the  United  States.  On  Munday,  ef  not  afore,  we  shall  sartainly 
be  in  Albany,  whar  Thirlo  Weed,  who  is  to  meet  us  at  Buffylo, 
will  overhawl  the  inaugurole,  iuterdooce  the  New  Public  Funk- 
shinary  to  Guvner  Morgan — who  is  no  relashin,  I  onderstand, 
to  Thirlo's  former  frend  of  that  name — and  furnish  a  full  pro- 
grammar  of  the  pollysee  of  the  new  guvment,  with  direck- 
shins  how  to  wind  it  up,  keep  it  goin,  and  run  the  mashin  gen- 
ally.  Toosday,  I  shall  hope  to  tak  you  by  the  hand  at  the  Astor 
Hous,  whar  we  expeck  to  hang  out,  on  ackount  of  Dannil  Web- 
ster hevin  ben  perlitely  invited  thar  when  he  exclaimed  to  an 
ongrateful  kentry,  "  Whar  shall  I  go  ?"  Peeple  as  keeps  hottels 
seldum  shose  so  mutch  considerashin  for  exalted  paytrotism  in 
distress,  and  Old  Abe  thinks  setch  devoshin  oughter  be  encur- 


18  WABLETTEKSOF 

ridged.  Still,  we  may  go  sumwhars  else,  arter  all — everything 
depends  on  Thirlo  Weed.  Ime  told  thars  a  peart  struggil  goin 
on  atwixt  him  and  Horris  Greely  as  to  witch  shall  be  privit 
tooter  to  the  new  President  arter  he  takes  the  rains  of  pour. 
Mebbe  both  on  cm  may  be  mistaken,  for  the  old  feller  stiffens  up 
amazinly.  He's  not  hafe  as  week  in  the  knees  as  I  sposed  he 
was ;  and  arter  he  gits  farely  in  the  saddel,  and  his  feet  in  the 
steiTups,  I  shouldent  wunder  ef  he  cut  up  rusty  with  his  would- 
be  gardeens,  and  relide  on  his  own  nolidge  of  the  kuntry  to  make 
a  winnin  race. 

I  spose  evryboddy's  curus  about  the  Inaugurole.  Well,  from 
the  extracks  the  President  eleck  hes  red  to  me,  it's  my  blefe 
that,  ef  its  promulgeated  in  its  present  form,  itul  make  consida- 
bul  of  a  splurge.  Prehaps  I  am  precoshus  in  referrin  to  it  so 
long  afore  the  forth  of  March  ;  but  thar  can't  be  no  harm  in  say- 
in  that  it  is  aunty-coershin  up  to  the  handle.  Ef  the  secesshin- 
ary  staits  oney  pay  thar  doos,  and  render  onto  Seizer  wot  they've 
seized  as  doosent  blong  to  em,  they  kin  play  outer  the  Union 
from  now  ontil  time  iinmemoral,  without  ennybody  attemptin  to 
interfeer  in  the  fassinatin  game  ;  but  ef  they  air  fools  enuff  to 
dekline  these  eesy  condishins,  then  thar  ports  is  to  be  block- 
headed,  thar  males  cut  off,  and  forces  mustard  to  retaik  the  forts 
by  a  salt.  This  aint  percisely  wot  the  dockyment  ses,  verb-at- 
Tiim  et  let-Jier-at-Jiim,  but  it's  wot  the  lawyers  call  the  anymuss  of 
it.  Youd  think,  mebbe,  from  the  tone  and  tenner  of  this  extror- 
nary  stait  paper,  that  the  liter  plaist  his  hull  trust  in  Provi- 
dense ;  but  I  persoom  cannon,  cutlashes,  rifuls,  and  baganets 
is  mixed  up  with  his  relidjus  confidense.  I  dont  predicate  that 
the  speech  will  be  delivered  jest  as  it  reeds  now ;  but  Ime  purty 
sartin  that  itul  be  in  favor  of  collectin  the  revenoos  and  gettin 
back  the  forts,  and  cetery,  willy  nilly ;  and  at  the  same  time  ded 
agen  coershin.  As  we  air  to  visit  Philadelfy,  I  shall  reckamend 
the  distingwished  flat  boatman  to  ax  a  Philadelfy  lawyer  ef  he 
doosent  cunsidder  setch  a  pairadocks  a  ridickalus  slip,  and  kal- 
kilated  to  spile  the  hull  consarn. 

Wot  sort  of  a  resepshin  is  the  Tall  Son  of  Illanoy  to  hev  in  New 
York,  I  wunder  ?  Sum  of  the  party  is  afeared  he'll  be  goost  and 
groned,  ef  nuthin  wus ;  but  I've  offered  to  bet  he'll  be  taken  up 
Broadway  in  a  opin  bayrush,  with  four-in-hand,  and  all  the 
honors  ushilly  conseeded  to  illustrated  stranngers.  The  wim- 
min,  without  distinkshin  of  pollytix,  will  be  at  the  winders  and 
ballconeys,  waiving  thar  drygoods.  Ime  sartain  of  that.  When 
did  they  ever  negleck  the  pockit  handkercher  bizness  on  enny 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  19 

publick  ockashin,  wether  it  was  in  honor  of  a  Black  Rep.  or  a 
Yaller  Jap  ? 

You'll  find  old  Abe  considabully  changed  from  what  he  was 
when  the  litthygrafts  was  took  in  November.  Just  prevus  to 
leaving,  he  tuck  his  ax  and  went  for  a  few  days  inter  the  woods, 
near  Springfeeld,  to  recuperate,  and  he  cum  back  as  lively  as  a 
shoat  in  akorn  time.  He  ses  cuttin  and  cordin  allus  refreshis 
his  raentil  fackiltees,  and  speshilly  at  that  seesin  of  the  year, 
when  the  sap  begins  to  rise.  Doorin  the  last  few  weeks  he  hes 
ben  cultivatin  whiskers,  witch  gives  his  visidge  the  asspekt  of  a 
big  hickory  not  with  some  moss  onto  it,  and  softens  and  releeves 
the  'hardness  of  the  outline.  Arter  all,  the  old  wedge-driver 
isent  so  humly  as  he  inought  be.  He  sartinly  compares  favably 
in  that  respeck  with  John  Tyler,  whose  extrornary  beak  was 
wunst  pinted  out  to  me  in  the  paroquet  of  the  Richmond  theay- 
ter. 

Hevin  jest  reseeved  a  messidge  from  the  old  man,  to  say  that 
he  wants  five  minnits  confidenshil  talk  with  me  prevus  to  goin 
to  his  bony  repose,  I  must  dry  up  for  the  present,  remainin,  as 
formally,  Yours,  allus, 

A  DISBAKDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  IV. 

[Lest  it  should  be  thought  that  our  correspondent's  letters  are 
slightly  in  violation  of  that  shield  of  secrecy  which  should  inter- 
pose between  the  confidential  intercourse  of  bosom-friends  and 
the  public  eye,  we  feel  it  due  to  ourselves  to  state  that  the  Presi- 
dent-elect has  expressed  no  desire  for  the  discontinuance  of  the 
series,  although  three  communications  have  already  appeared. 
Should  he  signify  such  a  wish,  we  shall  feel  bound  in  honor  to 
comply  with  it.  But  we  do  not  anticipate  anything  of  the  kind. 
Speaking  of  his  plans,  views  etc.,  he  has  repeatedly  said  he  has 
nothing  to  conceal,  and  we  believe  him. — EDS.] 

PHILADELFY,  February  22, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  tJie  Sunday  Times : 

Notwithstandin  his  onpresidented  fateegs  in  your  sitty,  the 
poplar  woodchopper  arove  here  in  a  tolably  salubrus  condishin. 
Bowing  continually  to  the  vox  popyoulie  hes  bent  his  neck  and 
made  his  backbone  soar,  but  his  privit  fizishin  ses  that  his  vert- 


20  WAR    LETTERS     OP 

'bray  is  not  injerd,  and  that  some  Pensylvany  coal  ile  rubbed  in- 
ter the  lumber  regin  will  make  liim  as  good  as  new.  Not  onder- 
standin  doctor  talk,  I  can't  eggzacktly  get  the  abuv  throo  my 
liar,  but  it's  consolin  to  no  that  thars  nuthin  serius. 

Mrs.  Lincoln — and  a  fine,  harty  speohnent  of  a  hole-soled 
western  woman  she  is — is  delited  with  the  attenshins  paid  her. 
She  s  not  overly  pleased,  howsever,  with  her  picter  in  the 
JTriboon,  whar  she  figgers  as  a  short  fat  lady  with  a  turnup  nose 
and  thin  lips.  I  consider  the  description  a  liebill,  and  I  would- 
ent  advise  the  reporter  to  p;esent  hisself  at  the  White  House. 
Bob  Lincoln,  the  eldest  hop  of  the  Lincoln  fammaly,  is  as  lively 
as  a  bird.  Nuthin  in  yure  sitty  tickled  him  so  mutch  as  Bar- 
num's  Mewseum.  He  ses,  Finnyas  and  the  big  seal  beats  all 
natur,  and  the  hull  fammaly  is  mutch  amused  and  gratifide  with 
the  grate  showman's  callin  him  the  Prence  of  Rails. 

Abe  and  me  hes  heel  considabul  conversashin  about  the  resep- 
shin  in  New  York.  He  sed,  this  mornin,  puttin  his  hand  to  his 
furhead,  "  I  shall  hold  the  peeple  of  the  Empire  Sitty  in  grate- 
ful remembrance  as  long  as  meniry  holds  her  seat  in  this  dis- 
tracktid  globe  ;"  and  I  calkilate  he  will.  The  old  paytryit  is  iu 
capitol  sperits,  and  fuller'n  ever  of  his  joaks  and  cannondruins. 
Last  nite  he  sent  for  me  to  spend  a  soshil  hour  with  him  aloan. 
I  seen  humor  in  his  eye  when  I  entered  his  rum.  Ses  he,  as  soon 
as  Ide  ankered  myself  on  wun  side  of  a  teeter  tete,  and  him  on 
tuther — ses  he.  "  D.  V.,  old  possum,  why  was  the  demmycratic 
pollytishins  as  wated  on  me  in  New  York  like  sagashus  wood- 
choppers?" 

"  Dunno,"  ses  I ;  "  mebbe  bekase  they  brort  their  axes  to 
grind." 

"Well,"  he  remarkt,  "they  mought — I  never  thort  o'  that. 
But  this  is  the  anser :  Bekase  they  keerfully  avoided  knotty 
pints  and  goin  agen  the  gram." 

Bein  onwillin  to  be  sposed  dumb  in  the  commie  line,  I  gin 
him  the  follerin  in  return : 

"  Why  was  you  and  your  fammaly,  last  Wensday,  like  the 
diseased  Mexican  volunteers  berried  at  New  York  with  the 
honors  of  war  ?" 

Arter  cojitatin  sum  time,  the  venabul  old  codger  venterd  a 
gess: 

"Prehaps,"  ses  he,  "bekase  the  poplous  tuck  thar  hats  off 
outer  respeck  to  us  as  we  past." 

"No,"  I  replide,  "but  bekase  all  your  trunks  was  solemly 
drawd  down  Broadway  sumounted  by  the  Mericau  flag." 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  21 

He  smiled  condisendinly,  and  remarkt  that  he  was  gratifide 
to  sec  the  flag  of  his  country  a  wavin  over  his  extensiv  wardrub. 

It  being  now  the  grate  wedge-driver's  turn  to  propound,  he 
axed  me  why  a  presidenshil  inaugurole  was  like  enny  other  au- 
ger-hole ?" 

I  told  him  probly  on  ackount  of  evryboddy  bein  able  to  see 
throo  it. 

He  kinder  winshed  at  that,  but  immediently  responded  :  "  Be- 
kase  its  a  bore  ;"  and  I  dessay  he  gin  utterance  to  the  feelins  ol 
his  hart,  for  he's  orfully  eggsersized  about  that  momentuous  dock- 
ament. 

Hevin  spent  a  few  minits  with  his  eyes  fixt  on  the  mirror  over 
the  raantil,  starin  inter  vacansy,  he  cum  out  with  the  subjined : 

"  You  no,"  ses  he,  "  Mr.  Hazard,  the  gunpowder-man,  as  visit- 
ed me  in  New  York.  Now,  why  is  his  privit  residence  as  danu- 
gerus  as  his  powdermill  ?" 

"  Mebbe  bekase  his  wife's  liabul  to  bio  him  up,"  ses  I. 

"Rong  agen,"  exclaimed  the  farseeshus  railer;  "its  bekase 
both  is  equilly  Hazard-house." 

Bein  now  thuroly  in  the  vain,  he  got  off  sevral  more,  noways 
infearyour  to  the  foregoin. ' 

"  When  I  leaned  outer  the  Astor  Hotel  winder  to  bid  the  mul- 
titood  good-by,"  ses  he,  "  why  was  I  like  an  old  Dutch  house  at 
Albany  ?" 

" Oh,  I  no,"  ses  I,  "you  hed  setch  a  remarkabul  stoop." 

"D.  V.,"  replide  he,  droring  himself  up,  "you  bark  up  the 
rong  tree  so  frekwently,  that  I  bsgin  to  think  yure  next  door  to 
a  uiddiot.  The  resin  why  I  favored  an  old  Dutch  house  at  Al- 
bany was  bekase  I  had  my  gabble  eend'to  the  street." 

"  Wall,"  continued  the  old  joaker,  arter  we'd  flnisht  our  lart, 
••just  wun  more  and  then  adoo.  What  aintshint  eddyfiz  do  I 
most  resembul  ?" 

Imaginin  he  was  on  the  same  track  as  afore  I  sed,  "  the  Tower 
of  Babble." 

"  Gess  agin,"  ses  he. 

"  Ho !"  ses  I,  "  mebbe  the  leanin  tower,  which  I've  heern  tell 
projecks  beyant  the  senter  of  gravity." 

"  Gess  wunst  more,"  was  the  response. 

But  I  deklined  the  responsability,  adinitten  the  questin  was 
too  deep  and  intrickit  for  my  stock  of  gumpshin. 

"  Frend,"  ses  he,  looking  as  grave  as  a  monyment,  "  the  an- 
shint  eddyfiz  I  most  resembul  is  Noah's  Ark,  for  line  farely  at 
sea,  tossiu  about  at  the  massy  of  contendin  elements  and  no 


22  WABLETTEBSOE1 

land  in  sight.  I  oney  hope  the  fack  similar  may  extend  as  fur 
as  the  duv,  the  olive  branch,  and  the  ranebo  of  piece ;  but  at 
present  it  looks  more  like  everything  goin  to  pieces." 

The  old  man's  face  assoomed  sitch  a  sorrowful  aspeck,  as  he  sed 
this,  that  I  felt  it  cum  from  the  bottom  of  his  sole,  and  with  a 
corjal  squeedge  of  the  hand  we  parted  for  the  nite. 

I  hevent  thort  it  requizit  to  say  mutch  about  the  publick  glo- 
ryficashins  on  our  rout,  as  the  daly  papers  will  give  you  in  full  all 
the  nesessary  details.  Wot  your  reeders  want  is  to  see  behind 
the  seens — to  konteinplate  the  Grate  Western  in  his  moments 
of  relaxashin.  I  intend,  tharfore,  in  this  serious  of  letters,  to 
present  him  as  he  is  by  natur,  when  the  pollytishins  isent  a  bul- 
lyraggin  of  him. 

The  resepshin  here  was  a  doublycate  of  that  in  New  York. 
To-morrow,  we  shall  reech  the  fedral  terrortory,  and  my  nex 
communicashin  will  be  from  Washington.  In  the  meenthne, 
epluvius  urum,  and  may  we  and  our  sun's  suns  behold  this  glo- 
rious Union  now  and  forever  wun  and  invisibul. 
Amen !  and  yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER 


No.  V. 

[Our  venerable  correspondent,  it  will  be  seen  by  the  following 
missive,  is  still  in  the  confidence  as  well  as  the  company  of 
the  new  President,  and.  limns  for  us  a  very  amusing  picture  of 
the  scene  occasioned  by  the  expose  of  the  wonderful  conspiracy 
of  so  many  "  eminent  bankers,  merchants,  and  statesmen "  to 
postpone  the  inauguration  by  assassinating  Mr.  Lincoln. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  March  1, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  tfie  Sunday  Times : 

When  I  rit  last,  little  did  I  andizzypate  that  the  grate  timber 
•  splitter  would  nex  mornin  be  a  rushing  over  the  rails  full  split 
for  his  life,  and  belevin  as  nuthin  but  bein  ahed  of  time  could 
prevent  his  bein  launshed  inter  etarnity.  Mind,  I  dont  say  as 
his  magnannyniouse  sperrit  was  decomposed  by  the  prospeck  of 
his  own  hmnaside.  Like  Julus  Siczer,  he  would  hev  gon  to  the 
capitol  accordin  to  the  prograrnrny,  regardless  of  cunsperrators 
and  thar  dadgers.  But  Abe  luvs  his  wife  better'n  Saezer  luvd 
California,  and  hens  the  old  cock  yielded  to  her  eggsortations. 


A.    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  23 

and  aperiently  shode  the  white  fether.  Evry  boddy  admits  now 
that  the  cunspurracy  was  a  fish  story,  and  that  he  fled  from  a 
ahadder.  The  'mount  of  it  is,  that  sartain  dimmycrats  in  Bawl- 
tomore — partickler  friends  of  old  Buck — wanted  to  run  a  saw  on 
the  railocrats,  so  they  coined  this  bit  of  bogus  jest  to  put  Ginral 
Scott  on  a  false  cent.  The  hull  turnt  out  percizely  as  the  joakers 
ment  it  should,  and  the  Merrylanders  hevent  yet  dun  shakin  thai- 
sides  over  thar  waggary.  "  Lock's  Moon  Hokes  "  warn' t  a  suck- 
emstance  to  this  remarkabul  suck  in. 

I  did  my  best  to  perswade  the  illustrus  wedge-driver  not  to 
bolt  from  Harrassburg,  and  mought  hev  pervented  the  stampede 
ef  I  bed  bed  his  privit  ear  longer ;  but  the  wimmen  bust  in  upon 
us,  and  swomped  my  argyments  with  a  flood  of  tears.  They 
couldent  hardly  speak  for  gulpin  and  sobbin,  and  the  hull  burdin 
of  thar  cries  was — "  Oh ! — Oh ! — Oh ! — he'll  be  ass — ass — ass — ass 
sass — inated !"  Never  heerd  setch  an  affectin  corus  in  all  my 
life.  I  dont  think  I  could  hev  sed  no,  ef  I  bed  been  in  Old  Abe's 
place.  But  even  at  that  meltin  moment  the  naterally  commie 
biass  of  his  mind  shode  itself. 

"  D.  V."  ses  he,  in  a  horse  whisper — for  his  vice  was  husky 
with  einoshin — "  D.  V.,  why  am  I  in  the  same  perdickyment 
now  as  if  I  was  in  the  midst  of  the  conspurrators  ?" 

I  couldent  figger  it  out. 

"  Why,"  ses  he,  stretchin  his  lips  with  a  beuinc  smile,  "  bekase 
Ime  overcum  with  menny  weepins." 

Arter  sum  refleckshin  I  got  at  the  nub  of  the  joak,  and  guf- 
fawed slitely. 

When  the  venabul  Illannoyan  gits  on  the  commie  trail  he 
follers  it  up  regardless  of  everything.  He  couldnt  stop  hisself, 
notwithstandin  the  glummy  nater  of  the  subjeck  in  hand. 

"  Ken  enny  of  you  tell  me,"  ses  he,  "  why  Ime  like  a  wheel 
within  a  wheel  ?" 

Wun  of  the  ladys  subjested  sumthin  about  his  conneckshin 
with  the  commonwheel. 

"No,"  he  resoomed,  shakin  his  hed  and  winkin  at  me,  "it's 
bekase  Ime  goin  incog." 

Encurridged  by  the  larf  at  this  wittysissum,  he  put  the  ensooin 
kwestin : 

"  What  steps  shall  I  resort  to  on  the  forth  of  March  to  show 
the  people  my  respeck  for  the  Constitooshin  ?" 

Several  of  the  wimmin  maid  reply.  Wun  said,  "  No  cum- 
prommis  with  the  disannullers  of  the  Union,  Abe."  Anuther 
thort  the  best  corse  would  be  to  invite  all  the  leading  traytors  to 


24  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

Washington,  and  string  cm  up  to  the  Pennsylvany  avenoo  pop- 
lars ;  and  a  third  sed  ef  old  Abe  would  appint  a  nayshinal 
wirnmens  convention,  the  hull  thing  could  be  put  throo  in  a 
weak. 

The  distinguished  cannondrumist  explaned.  Ses  he :  "  My 
fronds,  the  fust  steps  I  shall  resort  to  on  the  forth  of  March,  to 
show  my  respeck  for  the  Constitooshin,  will  be  the  Capitol 
steps." 

I  groaned  laudably — I  couldent  help  it — and,  takin  the  old 
man's  arm,  led  him  into  the  opin  ahywhar  he  sun  rekivered, 
and  became  comparatively  rayshinal. 

The  inaugurole  is  finisht.  On  Monday  itul  oney  be  wuth  two 
cents  a  coppy,  but  menny  a  specklater  would  giv  ten  thousand 
dollars  this  minnit  to  hev  setch  a  glans  at  it  as  I  hed  to-day. 
Altho  my  tung  is  tide  as  to  particklers,  I  may  menshin  that  it 
will  make  sartin  ultry-black  republicans  blastfeem.  It  is  not 
flowery,  'but  oncommon  Weedy.  Ef  it  doosent  make  stox  jump 
thars  no  jump  too  em.  Don't  be  tuck  aback  ef  you  hear  sreekg 
in  the  Tryboon  offis,  nex  dore,  when  they  git  its  rneanin  throo 
thar  har.  I  tell  you,  consillyashin's  the  wurd  from  the  Capitol 
Hill  next  Munday — if  it  isent,  you  ken  withdraw  yure  confidense 
from  me  for  ever  more,  Amen ! 

I  notis  thars  a  hepe  of  gossip  about  the  President  eleck  goin 
the  rounds,  most  of  witch  is  liebills.  Hevin  kept  a  diaree  of  his 
moovments  for  sum  time  past,  I  speke  by  the  keard.  The  Dutch- 
man as  ses  he  emplies  his  hours  of  relaxshin  in  brushin  his  own 
boots  and  takin  grease  pots  outer  his  panterloons,  doosent  no  the 
Sinsinnatus  of  the  west  from  a  side  o'  lether.  His  ushil  amusement 
wen  to  hum,  was  to  supply  the  famaly  with  wood,  do  the  mar. 
ketin,  and  pound  beefstakes  for  breakfast  with  his  famous  maul ; 
but  the  oney  recreashin  he  indulges  in  at  present  is  wittlin  slivers 
of  white  pine  into  minatoor  rails.  He  wittles  and  reflecks,  and 
reflecks  and  wittles,  and  Avittles  and  joaks,  and  joaks  and  wittles. 
The  tutch  of  timber's  necessary  to  bring  out  his  idees.  Setch  is 
the  consekense  of  bein  raised  in  a  wooden  kentry. 

The  petishins  for  offis  under  the  incummin  administration, 
now  on  file,  accordin  to  the  kalkilations  of  a  member  of  the 
topografical  engineers,  would  carpit  the  entire  districk  of  Co- 
lurnby,  paper  all  the  housen  in  Washington,  and  leave  enuff  to 
make  kites  for  all  the  children  in  the  United  States  doorin  the 
present  seesin.  This  is  gratifyin. 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  25 

-.,:   ;••'>  '-., 

No.  VL 

[Again  our  correspondent  has  been  closeted  with  "  Old  Abe", 
and  again  he  has  derived  "  chunks  of  wisdom"  from  his  oracular 
and  somewhat  jocular  lips.  "We  are  glad  to  learn  that  the 
President  is  in  health  and  good  spirits.  Rail-splitting  and  poling 
broadhorns  may  be  considered  light  and  pleasant  recreations  in 
comparison  with  the  mental  anxiety  and  the  wear  and  tear  of 
temper  which  he  is  fated  to  experience.  Our  correspondent's 
views  of  the  inaugural  are  not  those  generally  entertained  by 
the  public,  but  he  may  be  right,  nevertheless. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  March  8,  1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Times : 

Altho  the  inaugurole  was  slitely  mudified  arter  I  saw  it,  to 
sweeten  the  ultrees,  it  is,  upon  the  hull,  jest  as  I  said,  a  consilly- 
tory  commoonycashin.  The  koncludin  sentence  about  "  mystic 
cords  stretchm  all  over  this  broad  land,"  is  univarsally  regarded 
as  a  good  wind  up.  The  young  ladees,  I  larn,  is  delited  with  the 
passidge  whar  Old  Abe  ses  he  hes  "  an  oath  registered  in  Heven." 
It  puts  em  in  mind,  they  say,  of  a  similar  remark  in  "  Manfriday, 
or  the  Wun-handed  Munk,"  "  The  Mistress  of  Udolpho,"  "  The 
Castel  Specter,"  and  uther  rumantic  tradijees  and  mellow-dram- 
mers. 

Sartinly  thars  nuthin  more  alarmin  in  the  illustrus  wedge- 
driver's  inaugurole  than  thar  is  in  what  he  swore  to  arter  he  red 
that  rigmayroll.  He  hed  to  take  his  Bible  oath  to  sport  the 
laws,  and  that's  purty  mutch  the  hull  nub  of  his  anticedent 
speetch.  He  couldent  hardly  be  eggspected  to  say  he  intended 
to  perjur  hisself  with  the  sakrid  vollum  he  was  agoin  to  kiss 
starin  him  rite  in  the  face. 

What'll  be  the  end  of  it  all  the  Lord  abuv  nose,  and  ime 
blamed  sure  neither  the  fire-eaters  nor  the  fannytix  is  in  his  con- 
fidence. Bennett  may  purfess  to  see  the  course  of  subsquint 
events,  but  then  he  thort  he  seen  the  French  mishin  when  old 
Buck  came  in,  and  yet  it  turnd  out  to  be  mere  illusin.  Wuii 
thing's  consolin :  the  man  as  holds  the  rains  of  guverment  doos- 
ent  mean  to  go  in  on  the  spur  of  the  moment.  "  Take  your 
time,  Miss  Looey,"  is  the  order  of  the  day,  and  wot  matter  is  it 
wot  the  inaugurole  ses  must  be  dun,  ef  the  periud  of  dooing  it  is 
adjurned  signer  die. 

The  new  cabbynct  is  in  a  state  of  sege.  Chase,  of  the  tresh- 
2 


26  WAKLETTEKSOF 

ury,  onderstands  the  meening  of  his  n*me  now,  ef  he  never  did 
afore.  Its  Chivy  Chase  with  him,  and  no  mistake.  Thars 
about  two  thousand  men  in  Washington  continally  engaged  in 
runnin  him  down  and  worry  in  of  him.  Blare,  the  new  P.  M.  G., 
ses  he  bleves  every  slab-sided  railocrat  west  of  the  Allagainis, 
either  wants  to  be  a  postmaster  hisself  or  to  put  a  frend  throo. 
You  should  see  the  strings  of  fellers  at  the  department,  waitin 
thar  turns,  like  applycants  for  grub  at  the  alms-hous  offis  in 
New  York.  Prayery  wulves  lies  a  hungry  look  in  snow  time, 
bat  thers  a  negerness  in  the  visidges  of  these  ankshus  black  rc- 
publikens  as  takes  down  ennything  in  the  famisht  wild  beest  line 
aa  ever  follered  an  outlyin  trapper  in  hope  to  pick  his  bones. 

Old  Abe  is  salubrus,  and  thars  no  let  up  to  his  jocular  vain. 
The  man  that  advertises  in  the  papers  to  releev  persons  trubbled 
with  humors,  would  find  him  a  noncurable  case.  I  called  on  him 
last  night  at  the  White  Hous,  arter  bizness  hours,  and  hevin  ben 
•n  a  tite  place  all  day  atween  sartain  Sewerdites  and  sartain 
Greelyites,  he  was  determined  to  let  hisself  out.  Enny  wun  can 
see  at  a  glanst  when  the  old  man  eliquent  is  chock  full  of  fun. 
On  this  ockashin,  farseeshusness  was  visabull  in  his  onrestless 
eyes  and  in  the  quiverin  rinkles  that  played  about  the  corners 
of  his  expressiv  and  expansiv  mouth.  Shakin  hisself  up,  and 
flappin  his  elbose  in  the  western  fashin,  he  erode  aloud  as  sun  as 
I  entered  his  sanktum,  and  immediently  arterwards  asked  me, 
"  Why  Major  Anderson  was  like  a  beest  of  burdin  of  the  olden 
time?" 

Being  taken  unawars,  I  at  wunst  caved  in. 

"  Bekase,  D.  V.,"  ses  the  funny  old  funkshinary — "  Bekase  he's 
a  Surnter  boss." 

He  expected  the  ushil  larf,  but  I  was  in  a  kinder  fog,  and  re- 
Invested  the  lone  of  a  dickshunaiy.  Thar  was  wun  lyin  on  the 
tubel  that  he  had  used  for  the  inaugurole,  and  on  openin  it 
and  findin  the  word  "  Sumpter,"  I  rored  rite  out  as  in  duty 
bound. 

Arter  a  moment's  brown  studdy  he  perpounded  the  follerin  : 
"  Why  am  I  like  a  fisherman  ?" 

"  Mebbe,"  says  I,  "  the  solution  is  that  your  agoin  to  retake  the 
suthern  forts — with  a  hook." 

"  Dern  the  suthem  forts,"  he  exclaimed,  rollin  his  eyes.  "  No," 
he  continned,  in  milder  axents,  "  line  like  a  fisherman  bekase  Ive 
got  Bates  in  my  cabbynet." 

I  gin  a  slite  catchynashin,  and  remarkt  that  he  was  also  like 
a  fisherman  bekase  he  was  fond  of  a  Salmon  Chase. 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  27 

Deklining  even  to  smile  at  my  addishin  to  his  joak,  lie  per- 
pounded  thus : 

"  Wots  the  difference  atween  me  and  that  uther  grate  loomen- 
ary,  the  sun  ?" 

"  Well,"  ses  I,  "  the  sun's  all  light,  and  you  look  considabul 
like  a  shadder.  Is  that  it?" 

"  Try  agen,"  lie  replide,  "  your  duller'n  a  stubbed  broad  axe." 

"Possably,"  I  subjested,  "this  is  the  distinkshun — the  hull 
kentry  is  benefltted  by  the  sun  and  it  wont  be  by  you." 

"  Your  a  gopher,"  ses  he,  "  and  if  I  warnt  the  best  naterd  fel- 
ler as  ever  made  a  chip  fly,  I  should  be  up  a  tree  at  your  inyour- 
enders.  Cant  you  see  that  the  difference  atween  the  sun  and  me 
is,  that  the  sun  raises  in  the  Yeast  and  sets  in  the  West,  and  that 
I  was  raised  in  the  West  and  am  now  a  settin  in  the  Yeast." 

Injenus,  warnt  it  ?    But  I  dident  see  whar  the  larf  cum  in. 

Thinken  he  was  rather  runnin  the  cannondrum  bizness  inter 
the  ground,  I  chopped  round  and  axed  him  wot  he  thort  of 
Twiggs. 

"  Twiggs,"  ses  he,  "  if  we  could  oney  twig  Twiggs,  we'd  make 
root  and  branch  work  of  Twiggs.  But '  as  the  Twigg's  bent  so 
is  the  tree  inklined,'  and  I  spose  this  Twigg  being  bent  rong 
when  green  caused  him  to  commit  such  tree-mend-us  treeson." 

At  this  pint  he  stopt  for  breth  and  new  idees ;  and  thinkin  it 
a  favorabul  oppertoonity  to  git  out  of  the  woods,  I  made  a  bough, 
and  sed  with  his  permishin  I  would  slope.  But  I  hed  to  take 
anuther  shot,  afore  the  grate  gun  of  the  nashin  would  let  me  off. 

Ses  he,  as  he  shuck  me  by  the  hand,  "  Why  am  I  like  a  man 
as  hez  dickered  hisself  off  to  Abadun  ?"  He  sed  this  with  deep 
feelin,  the  teers  mountin  to  his  eyes,  and  iminediently  added, 
"  Bekase,  1).  V.,  I  can't  hardly  say  my  soul's  my  own." 

Feelin  suthin  kinder  risin  in  my  throte,  for  I  knowd  how  the 
old  feller  hed  ben  badjered  by  the  contendin  factshuns,  I  sud- 
dently  tore  myself  away.  Old  Abe's  a  trump  arter  all,  and  I'll 
stand  by  him  till  his  har  drops  off. 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  VII. 

[The  Disbanded  indulges  in  a  little  pardonable  egotism.    He 
certainly  hit  the  mark  in  relation  to  the  true  meaning  and  intent 


28  WAS    LETTERS     OF 

of  the  inaugural,  and  prophesied  correctly  as  to  the  policy  likely 
to  be  pursued  by  the  new  administration,  so  that  the  self-com- 
placent sentence  with  which  he  commences  his  letter  may  be 
excused.  He  goes  for  non-intervention,  and  seems  to  think  that 
"  masterly  inactivity"  will  be  the  order  of  the  day  under  the  new 
regime. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  March  14, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Times : 

Just  as  I  sed.  Thar'll  be  no  flatterysidall  conflick.  Anderson 
cvackiates.  The  pill  is  bitter,  but  its  better  than  intestine  war. 
Gallant  Old  Abe,  artcr  a  tearabul  intarnal  struggle,  hes  starnly 
detarmind  to  leave  the  suthern  manyax  a  loan.  Hevin  no  means 
of  putten  em  down,  he  seen  at  wunst  it  would  be  a  grand  coode- 
tar  to  let  em  up,  and  he  dun  so.  General  Boweryguard's 
posishin  at  Charlestun,  espeshilly  the  floatin  battery,  bein  onsale- 
abul  in  enny  kwater,  in  corse  the  most  jewdishus  plan  was  to 
cum  to  terms.  It  is  sed  that  the  folleriu  letter  was  privitly  cent 
to  Lincoln,  and  was  the  hmnedient  caws  of  the  preposed  sirren- 
der ;  but  I  gess  it's  ony  a  cunard  as  the  French  say : 

Mr  Lincoln : 

SIR  : — Altho  I  look  upon  you  as  a  fowl  useupper,  and  the 
American  egul  sreeked  in  scorn  when  you  was  induckted  inter 
the  cheer  of  state,  nevertheless,  in  order  to  prevent  the  fushin 
of  nuthern  and  suthern  blood,  and  save  the  cost  of  rebilding 
Fort  Sumter,  wich  I  could  bio  to  blazes  with  my  howitstirs  in 
fifteen  minits,  and  also  the  funeral  expenses  of  Major  Anderson 
and  his  rnurinurduins,  whose  fragments,  ef  found,  a  proper  sense 
of  shiverally  would  compel  us  to  tote  to  the  toom  with  the 
honors  of  war — I  say,  takin  all  these  matters  inter  considerashin, 
and  arter  consultin  with  my  staff,  I  offer  the  subjined  jam  up 
terms  of  capitylashin — namely :  to  abandun  the  wurks  in  ten 
clays  from  this  date,  and  Major  Anderson  to  be  made  a  Major- 
Gineral  in  the  suthern  forces,  or  suffer  deth,  witchever  is  most 
agreabul.  Hopin  to  see  the  skins  of  all  the  enemees  of  the  new 
confederacy  converted  inter  carpets  for  its  frends  to  dance  on,  I 
remane,  with  centiments  of  supreme  contemt,  yours, 

BOWERYGUARD. 

P.  S. — Depend  upon  it,  Sumter's  a  bad  egg.  Better  give  it  up 
afore  we  shell  it. 

Coppees  of  the  abuv  is  suckerlatm  here,  but  line  purty  sartain 
it's  a  hokes.  Ef  the  President  hed  reseved  setch  a  messedge  he 
would  hev  made  a  pint  of  onbuzzumin  hisself  to  me.  I  think 
he's  rite,  howsever,  in  givin  up  Sumter.  A  stronghold  can't  long 
be  maintaned  by  a  weak-handed  garrysun  on  nuthin  to  eat. 
Fellers  with  no  linin  to  the  coats  of  thar  stumrnicks  is  apt  to 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  29 

make  a  poor  sho  agen  a  forlorn  hope  in  the  breeches.  Arter  a 
wile,  I  persoom  the  forts  at  Pencecoaler,  Tarttugus,  and  all  along 
shore,  will  be  guv  up  spontaneus — witch  is  much  bettern  n 
Americans  makin  mutton  of  wun  auuther  on  thar  ramparts.  My 
idee  is  to  giv  the  rebil  states  all  the  rope  they  want.  The  more 
they  hev  thar  full  swing  and  the  sooner  they  11  hang  thai-selves. 
When  rebcllyun  gits  inter  evry  planter's  britches  pocket,  itul  be 
a  game  more  exhaustin  than  aniusin,  as  the  bar  sed  when  he  was 
larnin  to  dance  Juba  on  plates  of  hot  iron.  Fitin  the  coitonoc- 
razy  s  all  gammon.  Wen  they  find  tharselves  without  a  rap,  we 
shall  hear  yumthin  "  a  uockin  at  the  door."  Then  we  ken  say  : 

"Is  that  you,  Sam? 

Is  that  you,  Jim? 

Well,  you  luck  purty  sorry,  so  you  may  come  in." 

Oney  let  'em  severially  a  loan,  and  that'll  be  the  eend  on't.  The 
Richmound  (Virginny)  Dispatch,  of  the  elevent  of  March,  now 
afore  me,  calls  peeple  as  entertains  these  kinder  noshins  the 
"  Conservative-Union-State  -  Rights  -  Independence- Wait-a-little- 
and-something- Will-Turn-up-Fraternity,"  I  hev  coppid  the  eddy- 
tur's  wurds  and  line  kwite  willin  to  take  a  standee  in  that  crowd. 
Masterly  inacktivity  is  the  best  rnoov. 

I  notis  the  seesesshin  jurnils  is  deth  on  omins.  Braggin  on 
omins  allers  peers  to  me  like  wistling  in  a  berrying  ground  to 
keep  the  sperrits  up.  The  Munguinery  (Alabammer)  Advertiser 
menshuns  a  curus  insident  as  omnebus  of  the  sucksess  of  the 
new  nashin.  You'll  find  it  belo,  jest  as  I  dug  it  outer  the  paper 
with  my  bowie  nife  : 

"When  the  time  had  arrived  for  raising  our  banner,  Miss 
Tyler,  with  heart  throbbing  with  patriotic  emotion,  elevated  the 
flag  to  the  summit  of  the  staif,  cannon  thundered  forth  a  salute, 
the  vast  assemblage  rent  the  air  with  shouts  of  welcome,  and  the 
people  of  the  south  had  for  the  first  time  a  view  of  the  Southern 
flag.  Scarcely  had  the  first  report  of  the  salute  died  away,  when 
a  large  and  beautifully  defined  circle  of  blue  vapor  rose  slowly 
over  the  assemblage  of  Southern  spirits  there  assembled  to  vow 
allegiance  to  the  Southern  banner,  rested  for  many  seconds  on  a 
level  with  the  flag  of  the  Confederate  States,  then  gradually 
ascended  until  lost  to  the  gaze  of  the  multitude.  It  was  a  most 
beautiful  and  auspicious  omen." 

Thar's  two  ways  of  readin  that  suspishus  omin.  Sum  mought 
auger  as  it  was  a  sine  the  hull  consarn  would  eend  in  smoke. 

Abe  keeps  a  tolably  stiff  upper  lip.  I  observe  that  the  New 
York  Express  ses  he  will  hev  his  jokes,  and  pertends  to  giv  wun 
of  'em.  It's  a  sickinen  affare,  and  allow  me  to  say  entirely  spew- 
rius.  The  paper  states  that  a  gentleman  heerd  it,  witch  is  ontroo. 


30  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

for  he  never  joaks,  now,  with  ennyboddy  but  me,  and  I  coppy- 
rite  his  cannondrums  as  he  let's  em  out.  Sum  thinks  he  makes 
'em  up,  aforehand,  as  Sherrydan  did ;  but  I  can  asshure  the  pub- 
lic they're  all  unpremuddytated  and  extruinpery.  The  followin 
is  his  last.  It  dropt  from  his  humerus  lips  not  more'n  an  hour 
ago. 

Ses  he,  "D.  V.,  why  am  I  like  Ginral  Scott!" 

Ses  I,  "  Abe,  bekase  the  same  measure  sutes  you  both — say  six 
feet  fore." 

He  lucked  sevagarus,  and  snapt  his  teeth  like  a  wownded  wol- 
vereen ;  but  sun  rekiverin  his  ushil  unanimity,  he  explaned  : 

"  Ime  like  the  Leavetenant  Ginral,"  ses  he,  "  on  this  ackount, 
bekase  Ime  the  hero  of  Chip-away." 

By  thunder !  that  was  sum,  now,  warn't  it  ?  In  coarse  I  bed  to 
guv  him  anuther,  and  I  thort  as  he  was  a  leetil  riled,  Ide  make  it 
complymentary. 

Ses  I,  "  My  vetran  frend  and  pitcher,  ef  I  may  do  myself  the 
honor  to  call  you  so,  why  are  you  like  a  sartain  airthenware 
rnannyfacterer  as  died  in  England  nienny  years  ago  ?" 

"  I  cappitylate,"  he  replide.  (Poor  fellow,  he  was  thinken  of 
Fort  Suinter.) 

"Why,"  ses  I,  "semply  bekase  you're  old  Wedgewood !"  and 
not  watin  to  receve  enny  thanks,  I  moseyed  outer  the  presense. 

Adoo  till  we  meet  agen  throo  the  post-offis,  and  bleve  me  ver- 
ashusly.  Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  VIII. 

[We  are  sorry  to  learn  from  the  subjoined  letter  that  Mr.  Lin- 
coln no  longer  displays  that  mercurial  and  playful  spirit  which 
was  wont  to  expend  itself  in  jokes  that  set  the  table  in  a  roar. 

It  seems  from  the  statements  of  our  venerable  military  friend, 
that  the  head  of  the  Government  is  quite  chopfallen,  and  that  the 

"  Quips  and  quirks  and  wanton  wiles, 
Nods  and  becks,  and  wreathed  smiles," 

which  were  once  his  peculiar  forte,  have  given  place  to  a  heavy, 
lugubrious,  despairing  style  of  pleasantry  (or  rather  unpleas- 
antry),  such  as  a  person  might  indulge  in  by  way  of  trying  to 
cheat  the  hours  of  captivity  of  their  gloom.  There  is  a  church- 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  81 

yard  whistle  in  the  jokes  quoted  by  our  correspondent,  which  is 
more  significant  of  grief  and  perplexity  than  tears  and  groans. — 

EDS. 

WASHINGTON,  March  21, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Times : 

A  negarness  to  save  the  kentry,  without  a  president  in  the 
annuals  of  our  guverment,  continnees  to  prevale.  The  presshurc 
on  the  postrnaster-ginral  is  anormous.  That's  suinthin  less  than 
thirty  thousand  post-offisis  in  the  United  States,  and  the  number 
of  applycants  is  over  a  hundred  and  fifty  thousand — about  the 
sum  totil  of  the  British  army  to  hum  and  abroad.  Ef  the  guv- 
erment Avanted  sojcrs,  Ime  dubrous  wether  thar'd  be  setch  a 
thunderin  rush  of  volonteers ;  tho  I  persoom  eenamost  evry 
candlelit  for  civil  servus  onclerstands  rifle  practis,  and  mite  be 
relied  on  for  a  charge. 

The  noosepaper  fellers  seem  to  be  in  good  oder  with  the  BOO 
dienasty — I  mean,  in  coarse,  that  porshin  as  claims  to  be  Abe- 
ites  died  in  the  wool.  The  eddytur  of  the  Currier  and  Inkwirer 
was  delited  with  his  prospecks,  and  guv  a  shampain  supper  to 
his  fronds  imrnediently  arter  bein  confirmed  for  the  Sublime 
Port.  Ef  Seward  was  rayther  hard  on  him  wen  Tom  Marshall 
shot  him  in  the  leg,  thar's  a  good  onderstaudin  atwixt 
and  the  old  wound  no  longer  rankles.  I  dar  say  Ginral 
would  make  a  fust  rate  plenipenitentiary,  bein  now  as  grare  as  a 
Turk,  and  past  the  age  for  harem-scarem  adventers.  He  would 
find  the  Grand  Senior,  Addle-Mushead,  quite  an  agreable  hethia 
when  he's  sober,  witch  isn't  more'n  hafe  the  time,  unless  he  fol- 
lers  the  teetotal  rule  of  Mayhumit  closter  than  he  did  wen  I  was 
in  Constaudinopul  in  1854. 

I  spose,  by  the  time  this  letter  is  in  prent,  Major  Anderson  and 
his  men  will  be  ordered  outer  Fort  Sumter,  whar,  in  case  of  a 
nite  attack,  they  would  hev  to  go  it  blind,  thar  ile,  camfeend, 
steerin  candils,  and  lucyfurs  hevin  all  gin  out.  The  furnishes 
for  furnishin  red-hot  shot  is  also  useless,  as  thar  isent  fewill 
enuif  in  the  place  to  lite  a  meersham,  and  they  hev  to  do  it 
at  noon  with  a  burnin  glass,  and  keep  wun  sentinel  srnokin  all 
nite  for  the  ackomydashin  of  the  offsirs. 

I  notis  as  Twigs,  the  traytor,  deklines  a  post  in  the  suthern 
army  on  ackount  of  his  helth.  His  disorder  issent  spessyfidc, 
but  a  lissishin  here,  who  lies  made  a  dognoses  of  the  simptoms, 
ses  its  the  shakes.  Sum  allows  as  his  liver's  affected,  and  uthers 
say  he's  so  much  debiliated  that,  if  tuck  prisner,  the  fateeg  of 
hane-in  would  be  too  mutch  for  him.  Benedick  Arnold  fit  artcr 


82  WABLETTEBSOF 

he  betraid  his  trust,  but  Twigs,  bein  of  a  milder  nater,  prefers 
reposin  on  his  lorils. 

It  greaves  me  to  an  ounce  that  the  venabul  Abe  hes  lost  sevral 
pounds  of  flesh  senst  he  becurn  President.  He  doosent  cunsid- 
der  it  a  fat  offis,  by  no  means.  Mercynary  pollytishins  is  con- 
stantly arter  him  with  a  sharp  stick,  bullyraggin  him  to  that 
degree  that  line  purty  shure  he  wishes  he  was  back  to  Spring- 
field, with  his  markit  baskit  on  his  arm,  doin  the  famaly  chores 
as  ushil.  His  face,  as  lucked  so  plesent  a  few  weeks  ago,  gits 
longer  and  longer  evry  day,  like  a  baloon  from  witch  the  gas  is 
gradally  escapin.  And  it  is  escapin.  He  tries  to  joak  as  for- 
mally, but  he  finds  it  heavy  mo  win,  and  his  sallies  is  frekwently 
interruptid  with  a  sithe.  The  fact  is,  his  cabbynet  is  not 
unanyinuss.  It  warn't  never  likely  that  Seward  and  Chase 
would  hitch  hosses  together,  and  I  onderstand  they're  as  much 
posed  to  wun  anuther,  on  sartain  pints,  as  the  two  Ann  Tipo- 
dees.  They  say  as  Chase  is  for  applyin  the  argumentim  ad  hom- 
iny to  the  seeseshinists  at  wunst,  wile  Seward  goes  for  givin  em 
time,  in  hops  they'll  see  theyre  error,  and  acknollidge  the  corn. 

Atween  the  two,  the  venabul  hed  of  the  nashin  is  purty  nye 
distracted,  and  ef  it  warn't  for  dodging  the  pollytishins  now  and 
then  to  spend  a  soshil  hour  with  a  sartain  blunt  old  sojer,  I  think 
his  mind  would  becum  deceased.  He  still  indulges  in  cannon- 
drums  and  dubble  intenders,  but  they*  are  chefely  of  a  melon- 
colic  and  ruefool  natur.  Frinstance,  as  we  was  sittin  together 
last  nite  in  his  privit  sanktum — witch  is  labeled  outside,  "  No 
admittence  except  in  case  of  fire,"  to  keep  out  offis  beggars — ses 
he,  "  Disbanded,  why  ort  I  to  take  lessons  of  Mr.  Rarey  ?" 

"  I'l  go  to  Jerewsalem  ef  I  no,"  ses  I,  cherfully,  "  onless  you 
want  to  make  a  Rarey  sho  of  yourself." 

"No,  old  hoss,"  replide  he,  sloly,  "that's  not  the  ticket.  It's 
bekase  he  mought  teach  me  how  to  manidge  my  onrooly  Crew, 
sir." 

"  Yaas,"  ses  I,  "  but  thars  consiclabul  difference  atween  tamin 
wun  vishus  critter,  and  brakin  in  a  hull  team  and  sevral  big 
dogs  onder  the  wagon." 

"  It's  too  true,"  he  remarkt,  and  elapsed  inter  glumuiy 
silence. 

"VVakin  up  arter  a  wile,  he  axed  me  why  "  he  was  like  'the 
Ohio  River  in  a  drouth  ?"  I  sed,  "ilebbe  bukase  he  was  runnin 
emptyins.''  He  dident  take  a  fence  at  the  remark,  but  good- 
naterdly  told  me  to  stop  my  raillery  and  try  agin. 

I  axed  him  "  Was  it  bekase  he  was  shallow  ?"    At  witch  he 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  83 

smiled  moanfully,  and  sed  the  solushin  was  that  he  was  "  down 
in  the  mouth." 

Then  we  got  torking  about  the  prospecks  ahed,  and  I  inkwired 
cf  he  thort  it  possabul  to  ockupy  and  possess,  and  ceteiy,  the 
forts  and  uther  guverment  real  estate  in  the  fur  South,  as  pre- 
meditated in  the  inaugurole  ?  He  offered  no  verhial  reply,  but 
making  a  dubble  spred  egul  of  his  hands,  he  sollemly  brort  em 
to  a  level  with  his  probossis,  and  ef  I  no  ennything  about  the 
langwidge  of  sines  that  means  "  over  the  left."  Depend  upon  it, 
onless  an  axidental  collushin  takes  place  sumwhars,  thar'll  be  no 
bludshed,  and  I  no  from  relieabul  orthority  that  Mr.  Seward 
entcrtanes  the  most  sangwinary  cxpectashins  of  bringin  things 
to  a  peaceful  issoo.  That  all  difficulties  may  be  overcurn  and 
the  republic  renderd  wunst  more  "wun  and  insuperable,-'  is 
the  strong  hop  of 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  IX. 

["We  have  an  idea  that  the  President  and  the  Disbanded  are 
not  on  the  same  terms  of  confidential  intimacy  as  formerly. 
Perhaps  the  Cabinet  officers,  jealous  of  the  influence  of  our  old 
friend  with  honest  Abe,  have  managed  to  estrange  them.  It  is 
evident,  from  the  concluding  portion  of  the  veteran's  letter,  that 
there  is,  at  present,  but  little  intercourse  between  them.  As  the 
Disbanded  leaves  Washington  for  the  North  in  a  few  days,  this 
letter  will  wind  up  his  correspondence  for  the  time  being.  Stir- 
ring events  may  again  bring  him  before  the  public  ;  but,  in  the 
meantime,  like  Hamet  and  Lord  Byron,  he  gives  his  pen  a 
holiday. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  April  4, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Times : 

The  sege  of  the  Wite  House  and  the  departments  by  the 
republickin  mercynarys  is  taperin  down.  Most  of  the  hevvy 
plunder  lies  been  sacked,  and  the  leadin  freebooters  hes  shuck  the 
dust  from  thar  feet  and  gon  off  to  step  inter  the  shoos  of  thar 
kicked  out  and  resigned  prettycessors.  Some  of  the  furrin  envys, 
2* 


H  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

howsever,  is  onavidably  detancd  ontil  they  kin  ingage  intur- 
preters  aad  translaters,  wile  uthers  is  reddy  to  start  at  the  wurd, 
relyin  semply  on  that  French  vogabbeleries.  I  persoom  the 
appintment  of  Mr.  Hirem  Blarney,  the  oncumprommising  abe- 
lishinest,  to  the  New  York  collectorship,  will  give  onallied  sat- 
isfackshin  to  Lied  Garrison,  Wentill  Fillips,  Abby  Fulsome,  and 
cetery,  and  perdooce  a  "  more  perfeck  Union  "  atween  the  anty- 
slavery  and  the  republickin  forces.  Ef  I  don't  m'si-emember, 
the  noo  recumbent  of  the  collectorship  bed  a  slite  skrimmidge 
with  the  magnannymous  Marshil  Isaiah  Kineders,  sum  munths 
senst,  and  that's  all  I  no  about  his  antycedents.  Howsever, 
mutch  as  I  admire  the  sumwot  peppery,  tho  eggsalted,  carrickter 
of  the  late  marshil,  I  bleve,  to  tell  the  scripter  trooth,  that  Isaiah 
was  all-firedly  in  the  wrong.  Thar  pears  to  be  a  strong  biass  in 
favor  of  abelishinisrn  in  sartain  offishal  kwarters,  and  I'me 
inklined  to  think  the  wooly  boss  is  the  favorit  hobby  of  more'n 
wun  member  of  the  administrashin.  I'me  afeard  he'll  proove  a 
wus  speckylashun  to  Chase  &  Co.  then  he  did  to  Barnuin. 

All  the  cabbynet  is  more  or  less  in  a  cold  swet  about  the  Moral 
Tariff,  being  confidenshally  advised  by  relieable  houses  in  New 
York,  that  ef  the  provishins  is  can-id  out,  the  hull  city  must 
starve.  Wun  letter  states  that  an  offer  hes  been  made  by  a  famus 
market  gardner  to  lease  Broadway  for  the  cultivashin  of  spar- 
row-grass, and  that  all  the  Atlantic  steamers  is  to  be  sold  to 
Charleston  merchants  ;  but  this,  I  hope,  is  a  cunard.  It  is  not  to 
be  denide,  howsever,  that  the  noo  revenoo  law  is  a  terabul  bio 
rite  in  the  face  and  eyes  of  Northern  commerce,  and  evry 
nurtherner  that  voted  for  it,  when  the  eyes  and  nose  was  called 
in  the  Sennit  and  the  House,  dun  a  sooisidal  act.  It's  an  ever- 
lastin  pitty  that  Mr.  Buchanan  ever  put  his  fist  to  it. 

An  extree  seshin  of  Congress  ken  aloan  help  the  North  outer 
the  skrape,  and  I  profesy  the  administrashin'll  hev  to  call  wun, 
wotever  the  Triboon  cleek  may  say  to  the  contrary.  I  spose, 
from  the  edytorals  in  that  paper,  as  Greeley  bleves  the  Moral 
Tariff  will  coin  money  from  the  jump,  and  that  his  coajewter 
Daney  expecks  it  will  yield  a  shower  of  gold ;  but  ef  it  doos,  by 
Jewpeter !  the  nuggets  won't  fall  your  side  of  Mason  &  Dixon's 
line.  The  high  dooties  is  a  trump  keard  for  the  South,  and 
every  Suthern  importer  from  Norfolk  to  New  Orleans  is  larfing 
in  thar  sleeves  to  think  how  nicely  black  republickism  is  cuttin 
the  throte  of  Northern  trade. 

I  hevent  seen  mutch  lately  of  the  venabul  trafortanit  at  the  bed 
of  the  Government.  He  joaks  no  more.  The  last  remark  he  made 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  35 

to  me  that  hed  a  tutcli  of  liumor  inter  it  was,  that  the  way  evry- 

thing  was  goin  to  tlic was  beyond  a  joak.     He  is  reely  an 

amabul  critter.  Ef  he  knew  wot  to  do  he'd  do  it,  but  he  dooscnt. 
The  programmy  laid  clown  in  his  inaugurole  bothers  him.  He 
ken  no  more  carry  it  out  than  he  ken  split  Plimouth  Rock  inter 
fence-rails  with  a  jack-knife.  The  oney  thing  for  him  to  do  is  to 
yeeld  peacefully  to  suckemstances,  and  ef  the  ultree  black  repub- 
lickins  would  stop  bullyraggin  him,  he'd  do  it.  Wun  thing's  cler 
enuff,  matters  kant  long  remane  in  statue  co.  It's  either  fite  or  fall- 
back, and  noboddy  here  would  be  suprised  at  enny  minnit  to 
hear  of  a  bluddy  skrimmidge.  For  my  sheer,  Ime  hartily  sick 
of  the  pint-no-pint  game  as  the  Guvernment  is  playin.  Ive  dun 
all  I  could  to  indooce  President  Abe  to  put  his  foot  down  Jacksin 
fashin,  and  take  a  persislrin  of  sum  sort,  rite  or  rong.  But  its  no 
use.  He  seems  oncapabul  of  rnakin  up  his  mind.  Ive  a  kinder 
likin  for  the  onhappy  old  funkshinary — but  what  ken  I  do  ?  I'll 
hev  to  leave  him  to  the  tender  mercies  of  his  cabbynet.  Proba- 
bly I  shall  return  to  New  York  airly  nex  week,  and,  onless  sum 
onexpected  event  takes  place — setch  as  the  Government  wakin 
up,  or  its  enemees  goin  to  sleep — you'll  hear  no  more  at  present 
from  this  latitood,  from 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEB. 


No.  X. 

[The  veteran  correspondent  of  the  press,  whose  head-is  novr 
white  with  the  snows  of  nearly  sixty  winters,  seems  to  improve 
in  energy  as  he  advances  in  years.  His  late  letters  have  been 
even  more  remarkable  for  their  dry  and  sometimes  biting  humor 
than  the  productions  which  first  gave  him  notoriety,  here  and 
abroad.  Those  who  remember  his  correspondence  with  one  of 
our  cotemporaries,  from  California,  the  Crimea,  London,  Paris, 
Australia,  etc.,  will  be  glad  to  greet  him  again  in  print.  To-day 
he  makes  his  first  appearance  in  the  columns  oi  the  SUNDAY 
MEBCUBY. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  July  Forth,  1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

I  wouldcnt  reckamend  my  eggseggaters  and  legatease  to ,bery 
ine  with  milentary  honors  when  I  die,  bekase  the  crack  of  the 


36  WAR    LETTERS    OF 

peaces  would  sartainly  brake  my  bony  repose,  and  I  should  poke 
my  gray  hed  out  of  the  bowils  of  the  airth  like  an  old  wood- 
chuck,  to  inkwire  what  was  up. 

The  flames  of  war  drors  an  old  sojer  jest  as  naterally  as  a  can- 
dle drors  a  miller.  As  sun  as  the  flare-up  in  the  South  cum- 
menst,  I  kinder  felt  the  soltpeter  stirrin  in  my  blud,  and  so  puttin 
a  brace  of  Colt's  in  my  pockets  I  flew  to  meat  the  horse  steal 
fo. 

On  arrivin  here,  I  made  a  tender  of  myself  to  the  Guvernment, 
representin  that  I  was  no  chickin  in  the  sarvice,  and  almity  tuff. 
They  axed  my  age,  and  I  told  em  fifty — cuttin  off  ten  ears — 
upon  witch  wun  of  the  chaps  in  the  War  Department — a  feller 
as  oughter  ware  a  foolscap  uniform  with  ink  facins — farseeshusly 
remarkt  that  hafe  a  sentry  was  too  much  for  a  sojer.  Anuther 
sassy  cuss  sed  they  didn't  want  no  old  files  in  the  ranks  of  the 
new  ridgyments.  "  But,"  ses  I,  "  you  want  vetran  offsirs  I  reckin 
purty  darned  bad.  Jest  make  me  a  kernel  and  I'll  sho  you  how 
to  shell  out  the  seesesshinists  from  thar  ambushes  toot  sweet  as 
the  French  say."  And  then  I  told  em  how  Ide  chawed  up  the 
greasers  in  the  Mexican  chopperals,  and  ben  manured  to  hard- 
ships and  privashins  among  the  canons  of  the  Californy  gold- 
diggins,  whar  I  was  elected  a  major  by  the  miners  and  fit  the 
Diggers  Injens  inter  fits.  Also  I  menshint  the  Crymean  meddle 
I  reseved  arter  the  famus  battle  of  Blackallover,  for  takin  a 
Rushin  battery  with  a  rush.  But  it  was  no  go. 

Pollytishins  and  setch  hed  the  prefrence  over  old  war-hosses 
and  konsekens  was  that  these  no-nuthin  sheep  tuck  our  brave 
fellers  whar  they  got  lammed  rite  onder  the  rebils  ramparts, 
and  bucked  em  in  ralerode  trains  strait  inter  the  cannon's 
mouth,  whar  they  got  hail  Columbiad  in  short  order. 

Arter  a  few  lively  axidents  of  this  nater,  the  guverment  began 
to  diskiver  as  civil  life  warn't  the  best  possable  trainin  for  civil 
war,  and  ofl'erd  to  make  your  frend  the  Disbanded  a  Bragadear 
Ginral ;  but  I  rode  the  high  boss  and  deklined  bein  took  up  for 
a  conveenyance  on  the  spur  of  the  moment.  When  the  Ginral 
Skunk  affair  cum  off,  they  was  very  airnest  with  me  to  take  a 
cornmishin,  but  I  replide  in  the  wurds  of  the  man  in  the  play 
that  I  was  oney  "  a  looker  on  at  Vienna" — also  that  considerin 
the  conduck  of  sartain  lummuxes  as  held  commishms,  I  thort  with 
the  poick  that  "the  post  of  honor  was  the  privit's  stashin." 
Howsever  I  volunteered  to  reckanoiter  ockashinally  for  the 
bennyfit  of  blind  Bragadears  and  cetery,  and  when  the  guver- 
ment was  reseving  all  sorts  of  lyin  reports  about  the  strenth  of 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  87 

the  traytors  in  the  neybrood,  I  scouted  thar  outlyin  posts  and 
brort  in  the  truth  from  Fairfacts. 

Tho  allus  willin  to  sarve  my  kentry,  even  in  a  miner  capassity, 
I  don't  crave  emplyment ;  for  hevin  shone  in  menny  a  bluddy 
skriniinidgc  wot  sort  of  metal  I  am  made  of  I  ken  afford  to  lay  on 
my  ores  in  my  old  age.  But  as  ushil  I  keep  my  wether  eye 
opin,  and  intend  to  wotch  with  onsleepless  vigilants  the  current 
of  events,  givin  the  Merkary,  from  time  to  time,  the  frutes  of  my 
lookubrashins. 

Thars  considabal  mixt  up  with  this  muss  besides  devoshin  to 
"  the  Union  now  and  for  ever  one  and  insuperable."  In  coarse, 
the  vice  of  the  people — the  fox  popatte,  as  the  M.  C.'s  calls  it — 
is  troo  and  honest,  but  thar's  an  everlastin'  hepe  of  disintrusted 
paytriots  as  wants  to  grind  thar  infarnal  axes  on  the  Union  grin- 
stone.  I  heven't  a  doubt  as  at  leest  hafe-a-duzzen  risin  statesmen 
hops  to  mount  like  fenixes  outer  the  ashes  of  the  rebellyun  inter 
the  Presidenshil  cheer.  You  ken  bleve  as  all  these  gentlemen  is 
a  shutllin  thar  kcards  with  a  single  eye  to  the  public  intreests,  or 
not,  jest  as  youre  a  mind  to ;  but  its  my  bleef  that  thars  a  game  of 
dimond  cut  dimond  going  on  among  em  witch  interfears  consid- 
ably  with  the  glorius  game  the  people  hes  sot  thar  harts  and 
staked  thar  tAVO  hunderd  millyim  pile  on. 

I  hear  to  day,  as  our  troops  is  advancin  lively,  and  that  Ginral 
Patterson  s  corpse  hes  acktilly  waded  the  Potomac ;  but  Ive 
heerd  the  same  report  so  menny  times  afore  that  Ime  afeard  its 
oiiey  a  cunard.  Onkwestinably  weve  got  forces  enulf  in  Merry- 
land  and  Virgiuny  to  nock  old  Bowerygard  inter  a  cockt  hat, 
and  Davis'  straits  is  setch  that  ef  the  current  was  to  set  agen  him 
for  a  week,  he'd  go  to  Davy's  locker,  sure.  Our  fellers  is  wulfy 
for  a  fite,  and  why  not  let  em  rip  while  the  steams  on  ?  Thar 
doosent  seem  to  be  no  airthly  reeson  why  U.  8.,  alliass  Uncle 
Sam,  shouldent  make  short  work  with  the  0.  S.,  alliass  the  Con- 
federit  Skoundrils. 

Next  week,  I  shall,  inebbee,  astonish  you  with  some  privit  and 
exclusif  intelligens,  and  in  the  intrim  I  remane. 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEK. 


No.  XI. 

[The  old  militaire  tells  a  queer  story  about  the  Jeff  Davis  letter 
to  the  President.    It  purports  to  have  been  .derived  from  the 


88  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

highest  authority,  however,  and  may  he  received  with  implicit 
confidence — or  not,  just  as  the  reader  chooses. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  July  11, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

Ime  no  ways  sprised  to  larn  as  the  grate  boddy  of  the  North  is 
burnin  for  a  pitched  battle.  Bein  detarmined  to  tred  rebellyun 
onder  foot  they  naterally  want  no  paws  in  the  forard  moovment 
ontil  the  blow  is  struck  and  the  objeck  carrid  out 

But  they  oughter  no  wen  bellyregents  hes  two  diffrent  eends  in 
vew,  wun  wantin  to  fite  and  the  uther  to  fall  back,  the  latter  eend 
is  esily  brort  about  by  the  retretin  party.  So  far  the  Suthem 
Shiverally  hes  not  shone  tharselves  to  be  enny  grate  shakes  at 
feets  of  arms,  but  on  thar  pins  they  are  oncommon  lively,  gin- 
ally  prefferin  a  foot  race  to  a  funeral.  They  ken  run  agen  time 
like  kwarter  bosses,  but  theyre  all-fired  shy  of  runnin  agen  etar- 
nity.  Sum  ses  thars  no  backbone  to  em,  but  our  sojers  ses  its 
wot  they  ginally  hev  to  fire  at  in  all  skrinimidges  with  the  enemy. 
Mebbee  thats  why  rnenny  thinks  the  back  of  the  rebellyun  is 
broken. 

In  coarse  the  daly  papers  hes  made  you  aware  that  wun  Kemil 
Tailor  has  been  on  here  with  a  sute  of  sum  sort  from  Jeff  Davis. 
He  brort  a  flag  of  trooce  (witch  was  tide  over  his  eyes  on  his 
rekwestin  to  see  President  Lincoln)  and  a  note  from  Jeff,  witch 
the  President  deklined  to  anser,  so  the  Kemils  misshin  prooved 
in  all  respecks  a  blind  errant.  Varus  rummers  is  goin  the  rounds 
of  the  Washington  barrums  in  relashin  to  the  contens  of  the 
note,  and  the  speshil  inilentary  curryspondents  of  the  New  York 
dalles  is  so  much  eggsersized  in  sperit  as  to  be  onable  to  take 
their  whisky  strait  as  ushil.  They  hev  axed  for  informashin 
at  the  White  House  and  the  War  Department  in  vane,  and  are 
fairly  put  to  thar  trumps  to  no  wots  on  the  keards.  As  is  ginally 
the  case  when  the  hull  commoonity  is  in  the  dark,  every  body 
purfesses  to  be  able  to  thro  light  on  the  matter. 

You'll  be  astonisht  to  larn,  I  reckin,  that  while  the  ornary 
reporters  and  setch  was  nonplushed  about  this  letter  of  Davises, 
I  got  the  sekrit  volunteerily,  without  sneekin  arter  it.  It  happen t 
this  ways.  Abe  and  me — as  the  public  is  awar — hes  long  ben 
inthnit  chums.  We've  crackt  cannondrums  together  in  Illanoy 
and  elswhars,  and  I  sor  his  iuaugurole  afore  it  seen  the  light,  and 
writ  a  programniar  of  it,  witch — as  the  public  also  nose — wetted 
the  poplar  appitite  for  the  original.  Wall,  Abe  sent  for  me  last 
night  to  cum  and  hev  a  frendly  palaver  with  him,  reiuarkin  in 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB.  39 

his  comrnoonicashin  that  be  had  a  speciment  of  old  Mungoheeler 
in  the  house  as  couldent  be  beat  in  Dixy's  Land.  Naterally  I 
went,  for  I  know  the  illustrus  Rail  Splitter  luvs  me  like  a  man 
and  a  bruther,  and  and  tho  water  is  the  oney  licker  as  he  drinks 
and  the  oney  licker  as  I  dont  drink,  we  allus  set  up  our  bosses 
together  amaziu  soshabul. 

The  Venabul  Statesman  reseved  me  with  his  ushil  curtsey, 
and  arter  we  bed  disgust  the  wether  and  uther  tropics  of  the  day, 
ses  he  suddently  with  a  commick  twinkel  of  his  eye : 

"  D.  V.,"  ses  he,  "  hev  you  enny  noshin  wot  thar  was  in  that 
missif  of  Jeff  Da  vises  ?" 

"  Cuuiprommis?"  ses  I. 

He  shuck  his  bed  in  the  neckatiff. 

"  Sirreender,"  I  rejined,  "  and  evrything  to  be  as  afore,  or  in 
State  you  go  as  the  lawyers  hes  it  ?" 

"  No  sir-ree,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Wanted  to  trade  prisners  mebbe,"  I  subjested. 

"  Naiy  swop,"  ansered  the  venabul  chefe  madgistreet. 

"  Alass  !"  ses  I,  kuite  disannulled,  "line  no  kungerer.  If  the 
world  bed  to  depend  on  me  for  penetratin  guverment  sekrits, 
line  afeard  no  pollytickle  mistress  would  ever  be  laid  bare.  Wot 
wus  thar  inter  the  darned  thing  ennyhow  ?" 

"  Well,"  ses  be,  "  you  needent  be  descuridged  at  not  barkin  up 
the  rite  tree,  for  Eddy  Puss  as  riddled  the  spynx  mought  hev 
shot  as  wide  of  the  mark  as  you  dun.  But  He  give  you  a  catty- 
gorical  anser.  Jeff's  letter  was  a  challenge  /" 

"  Wot !"  I  eggsclaimed,  "  Colts  and  coffee — areglar  dooill  chal- 
linge !" 

"  An  all-thunderin  wun,"  ses  he,  and  then  purceeded  to  deacon 
out  the  dockyment  witch  I  tuck  down  as  ackeritly  as  I  could 
from  bis  'tcllagent  lips,  as  follers : 
Honabull  A.  Lincoln,  Sir 

Havin  ben  onsufferably  traduced  by  you  and  the  hull  black 
Republikin  pack,  I  demand  pursenal  satisfacksbin  from  you  as 
the  instickejaiter  of  the  liebelleous  game.  My  aid  a  scamp, 
Leftenant  Kerual  Tailor  will  hand  you  this  note  and  fix  time 
and  place  and  cetery.  Chews  the  kinder  weepin  you  wish  to  die 
by.  Ennything  sutes  me  from  Dalgrins  to  Dera»gers. 
Yours  inveteritly 

JEFFERSON  DAVIS. 

"  A  big  thing  isent  it  ?"  remarkt  the  eggseggatiff  of  the  Nashin. 

"  A  full  hand  at  Jeff's  old  game,"  ses  I,  "  two  bullits  and  a 
braggcr.  Wot  was  your  respons  ?" 

"  Nary  respons,"  ses  he,  "  but  I  bleve  Ginral  McDoill  told  the 


40  WAB    LETTERS     OF 

messindger  on  his  own  responsability,  that  nex  time  he  cum  to 
peck  inter  our  defenses  he  should  see  em  from  an  elevated  persi- 
shin,  so  as  to  be  shure  to  get  the  hang  of  em." 

You  may  depend  upon  this  peace  of  inforinashin  bein  as  true 
and  vorashus  as  enny  forrarded  from  the  Sete  of  Guverment  for 
menny  days  past,  and  Ime  sartain  its  eggscloosif.  So  mutch  for 
enjoin  the  confidens  of  the  President. 

It  would  be  waste  of  stashinary  to  send  you  reports  of  the 
latest  milentary  moovements.  No  too  of  em  is  alike ;  menny  is 
onprobabul  and  sum  onpossabul.  Pears  to  me  that  the  Father 
of  Lize  hes  bruck  his  chane,  and  is  endamnifyin  hisself  for  bein 
tide  up  for  a  thousand  yeers,  accordin  to  Scripter,  by  indulgin  in 
extree  radickalers  capers.  In  course  you'll  git  all  the  latest  con- 
tradickshins  by  tellygraft,  so  I  shant  interfear  with  the  wire- 
pullers in  thar  mendashus  bizness.  I  will  oney  obsarve  that 
the  artifishil  lightnin  is  as  likely  to  blind  peepul  as  the  genwine 
artikel. 

Enter  noose,  as  the  French  ses — witch  means  "  we  shall  see." 
Enny  wun  as  stucTdies  the  maps  kennot  fail  to  be  sensabul  of 
Davises  straits.  He  is  in  a  bad  fix  ondoutcclly.  Sum  folks 
thinks  thars  not  a  loop  hole  left  for  him  ;  but  I  think  thar  is — 
jest  wun — and  it  s  my  bleefe  that  he  11  run  his  long  neck  inter  it. 
That  he  may  do  so  purty  recently,  is  the  airnest  wish  cf 
Yours  allus 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XIL 

[Dr.  Russell,  the  point-no-point  correspondent  of  the  London 
Times,  might  take  a  lesson  from  our  veteran  friend,  who  says 
what  he  has  to  say  without  fear  or  favor,  and  tells  plain  truths  in 
a  humorous  style  that  is  amusing  as  well  as  edifying.  He  gives 
the  swindling  army-contractors,  etc.,  a  dig  under  the  fifth  rib, 
this  week,  and  pitches  good-humoredly  into  certain  carpet-knights, 

who 

"  Never  set  an  army  in  the  field, 
Nor  the  divisions  of  a  battle  know 
More  than  a  spinster." — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  July  18, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  MerTcary : 
As  Ginral  Scott's  plans  drors  to  a  foecuss,  the  nayshin  will 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  41 

uppreeshiate  the  old  War  Egul's  milentary  talons,  tho  he  differs 
in  his  pinions  from  sartin  fether-brained  kwill-drivers  of  the 
press.  Owin  to  his  forcsite  Victry  perches  on  our  banners 
everywar. 

In  Western  Virginny  rebellyun  has  univarselly  throne  down 
its  arms  and  tuck  to  its  legs.  The  stamppcde  of  Roar  and-Rim 
was  appropritly  finisht  at  Saint  George,  whar  the  Georgyans 
was  put  to  the  route,  hoss  foot  and  dragons,  as  the  sayin  is. 
The  shiverally  wanted  to  vamose  on  the  sly,  but  our  boys  cot  era 
in  the  Cheat,  bruck  thar  right  wiug  and  muttoned  em  ginrally 
ontil  they  ran  inter  the  brush  to  eskape  a  further  lamming.  The 
retreat  of  the  enemy  was  not  kivered,  and  thar  rare  presented  a 
curus  specktickle  in  konsekens  of  throwin  off  an  onmenshinablc 
porshin  of  thar  wardrubs  to  fassillytate  thar  Site. 

Providense  seems  to  hev  faverd  all  the  moovments  of  Ginral 
Maclellin,  and  his  conduck  commands  our  airnest  prays.  Rosen- 
cranch  also  prooved  hisself  a  sterling  sojer  at  Riches  Mountin, 
and  Morris  crowned  hisself  with  reethes  of  glory  at  Lauril  Hill. 
As  menny  sposcs  the  latter  to  be  Ginral  George  Pea  Morris,  the 
poplar  author  of  a  Long  Time  Ago,  it  is  oney  rite  to  state  that 
the  hero  of  Lauril  Hill  and  the  poick  of  the  droopin  willow  is 
two  distink  persons  and  attatched  to  very  different  collumes. 

The  forrard  march  of  the  main  army  so  long  demanded  in  the 
name  of  the  publick  by  high  privit  Grecley,  koinmenst  yester- 
day, but  on  makin  inkwiry  of  Ginral  Macdooill,  I  larnt  to  use 
the  eggsact  words  of  that  distingwished  leader,  that  the  rnoove- 
ment  was  "  due  to  the  wisdom  of  Ginral  Scott  and  not  to  the 
brutum  foolmen  of  the  Tryboon."  Sixty  thousand  men  hcs  put 
out  for  Richmond.  Old  Blackguard  Bowerygard  sed  our  war 
cry  was  buty  and  booty,  and  I  rayther  gess  he'll  be  butifully 
booted  by  our  gallant  sojers,  who  air  all  anxshus  to  toe  the 
mark  as  sun  as  possabul. 

I  hev  it  from  a  vorashus  source  that  when  alls  reddy  for 
attacting  Ilichmound,  Old  Chepultepeck  will  take  the  command 
and  put  the  rebils  throo  in  person.  His  idee  is  to  catch  em  in  a 
net  and  give  em  a  seckind  edition  of  the  Hauls  of  the  Monty- 
zoomers. 

Prisoners,  from  kemils  to  korporils,  is  in  profushin.  It  is  tho 
entenshin  of  the  Guverrnent  to  rekwest  em  to  take  the  oath  of 
legions,  and  ef  theyre  willin  to  sware,  to  bid  em  go  and  sin  no 
more  ;  but  if  tuck  in  arms  a  seckind  time  they  are  to  be  tuckt 
up  immediently. 

Sum  further  noose  about  Jeff  Davises  pirits  is  no  doubt  ank- 


43  WAR    LETTEKS     OF 

shusly  looked  for  by  your  shipmasters,  but  if  enny  hes  aiyve  at 
lied  quarters  it  has  oney  reached  the  privit  ear  of  the  Secketary 
of  the  Navy.  Ef  that  venabul  old  fogey  hedent  a  ben  rayther 
behind  the  light  house,  the  rebil  craft  wouldent  now  be  at  sea,  mak- 
ing siezeyours.  He  seems  to  me  to  blong  to  that  class  of  keerful 
fokes  as  locks  the  stable  dore  arter  the  mustang's  stolen.  Ef  the 
blockhead  of  the  Missysippy  hed  been  closte,  the  Surnter  could 
never  hev  got  outer  its  mouth. 

Thars  nuthin  speshil  as  regards  the  condishin  of  the  army 
here.  The  kwartermasters  and  sutlers  continnees  to  swindle  the 
poor  sojers  as  ushil,  in  their  vitals  and  close.  To  look  at  sum  of 
the  New  York  ridgements  you'd  spose  that  messrs  Tagrag  & 
Bobtail  hed  gone  inter  the  army  clothing  bizness.  As  the  man 
in  the  play  ses  "  No  eye  has  seen  sitch  scarecrows."  I  calkilate 
thars  over  two  thousand  privits  at  the  seat  of  guverrnent  with- 
out no  seats  to  their  pantyloons.  The  dinners  of  the  volunteers 
ginally  is  very  ornary,  and  ef  wun  third  of  the  army  purvayors 
was  hung  they  would  git  no  more'n  than  thar  desserts.  It 
eenamost  makes  my  bind  bile  to  see  a  passil  of  rnarcynary  loafers 
and  land  shirks  takin  toll  out  of  our  gallant  fellers  daly  bred. 
Peeple  say,  but  I  hop  without  good  ground,  that  thars  an  onder- 
standin  atween  the  kurnils  and  kwartermasters  of  sartin  ridgy- 
ments,  and  that  they  go  shears  in  fleecing  the  rank  and  file.  I 
see  by  the  New  York  papers  that  the  State  Committee  on  uni- 
forms hes  been  puttin  sum  of  the  milentary  tailors  throo  thar 
facins.  But  wot  do  they  keer,  the  ragmuffins !  "  Committees  on 
uniforms  be  darned!"  sed  a  clothing  contractor  to  me  the 
uther  day — "  let  em  rip !"  The  misabul  locusses ! — all  they 
think  about  is  cabbidge. 

The  Honabul  Abe,  I  rejoice  to  say  is  in  fust  rate  condishin, 
and  cums  out  stronger'n  ever  in  CaUemborcs,  as  the  French  min- 
ister calls  his  cannondrums. 

Last  evenin  as  we  sot  smokin  our  meershams  together  konfi- 
denshally  on  the  rear  terris  at  the  White  House,  ses  the  illustrus 
man  to  me,  pintin  to  the  Potomick : 

"  D.  V.,  my  friend,"  ses  he,  "  why  is  your  hed  like  the  Long 
Bridge  ?" 

"  Eggspound,"  I  replide,  for  I  couldent  imadjin  wot  the  vena- 
bul Nestor  was  a  drivin  at. 

"  Wall,"  said  he,  "  its  bekase  its  a  wooden  structur." 

"  Mebbee,"  ses  I,  when  the  larf  had  sobsided,  "  you  ken  tell 
me  why  your  nose  resembles  that  remarkabul  joalc  o'  your'n  ?" 

Rubbin  his  oilfactory  organ  as  he  ushilly  doos  when  he  runs 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  48 

agin  a  reglar  poser,  he  remained  for  a  few  minnits  berried  hi 
thort,  and  then  gin  it  up. 

I  explaned  that  his  nose  resembled  his  joak,  bekase  it  had  a 
long  bridge  inter  it. 

He  sed  he  couldent  see  it,  and  I  tuck  him  to  the  big  mirror  in 
the  East  Room,  when  he  immediently  acknoledged  the  corn. 

Then  he  axed  me  what  motive  Ginral  Skunk  had  for  buckin 
agen  the  Vienna  battrees;  but  I  seen  the  trap  at  wunst,  and 
replide  a  toco-motive. 

We  torked  considabul  about  the  prospecks  of  the  camppain, 
and  both  of  us  agreed  that  it  must  eend  in  the  rebils  bein  com- 
pletely discomforted  and  disbursed.  We  also  freely  disgust  the 
merits  of  the  opposin  ginrals,  and  I  eggsprest  my  regret  that  a 
bragadearship  warn't  offered  to  Cushin,  as  he'd  a  ben  the  very 
wun  to  set  onto  Pillow.  The  President  remarkt  in  his  dry  Avay 
that  he  thort  from  what  he'd  heern  tell  of  thar  eggsplites,  in  the 
Mexican  War,  it  would  hev  ben  raythur  a  soft  match.  I  then 
inkwired  how  it  was  Ginral  Wool  warnt  ordered  to  the  field, 
and  larnt,  as  a  sekrit  not  publickly  known,  that  setch  is  Ginral 
Scott's  frayternal  affeckshun  for  that  distingwished  offisir  that  he 
cant  abear  to  send  him  whar  thars  enny  danger.  The  luv  these 
bruthers  in  arms  hes  for  wun  anuther  is  sed  to  be  ekwil  to 
Demon  and  Pithyass. 

It  is  not  onprobabul  that  afore  this  reeches  you  Patterson  will 
hev  lied  a  turn  up  with  the  traitor  Johnston.  Patterson  at  the 
last  accounts  was  threttenin  to  give  it  to  the  rebils  right  and  left. 
God  defend  the  right,  is  the  prare  of 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  YOJLUNTEEK. 


No.  XIH. 

[Our  ex-military  correspondent  writes,  this  week,  under  con- 
siderable excitement.  The  old  war-horse  has  heard  the  sound 
of  the  battle-trumpet  and  he  snorts  and  pricks  up  his  ears.  Hia 
indignation  at  the  mismanagement  which  he  believes  to  have 
been  the  cause  of  the  late  disaster,  may  not,  perhaps,  be  alto- 
gether rightly  directed,  though  it  is,  probably,  not  very  Avide  of 
the  mark ;  but,  be  this  as  it  may,  it  is  honest,  and  bespeaks  a 


44  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

patriotic  heart.  Should  he  obtain  a  staff  appointment,  as  we 
trust  he  will,  our  readers  may  look  for  some  tall  descriptions  of 
the  scenes  of  the  battle-field. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  July  25, 18G1. 
Edd'jturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

I  sartainly  bleve  as  the  Deestrick  of  Columby  ken  raze  a  bigger 
crop  of  lies  than  ary  nuther  ary  of  the  same  size  outside  of  Tofit. 
They  grow  in  Washington  spontanus,  like  musheroons,  and 
when  transplanted  by  tellagraft  inter  the  New  York  papers,  they 
take  the  shine  out  of  Satin.  Yaas,  ef  Lucyfur  had  a  ben  opera- 
tin  with  the  brimstun  battrees  of  the  bottomless  pit  and  Sinbad 
the  Sailer  hedfurnisht  the  reports,  the  two  together  could  cut  hev 
held  a  kaudle  to  the  flyin  tails  of  our  defeat,  sent  by  lightnin 
from  this  city  to  yourn  last  Munday. 

The  caws  of  our  discornfortsure  is  as  varusly  reported  as  the 
legind  of  the  three  black  crows.  Sum  throes  the  blame  on  the 
wimmcn  and  Members  of  Kongress  and  sctch,  as  went  out  to  see 
the  slorter  as  ef  it  had  been  a  theayter  tradegy  plaid  for  the 
amewsment  of  the  buty  and  fashin  of  Washington.  Wun  things 
sartain,  they  hed  no  more  bizness  thar  than  a  poodle  dog  lies  at  a 
painter  hunt.  As  mought  hev  ben  andizzypated  they  lost  thar 
heds  when  the  balls  begun  to  wiz  around,  and  the  way  they  put 
out  was  a  cawshin  to  fast  crabs.  I  don't  blame  'em  for  that,  be- 
kase  as  the  him  ses,  "  It  was  thar  nater  too,"  but  what  rite  hed 
they  in  the  muss  at  all  ?  Sum  ses  that  when  the  paytint  lethers 
and  pettycuts  kommenst  to  run  and  holler,  the  Ohio  ridgeyments 
— who  hedent  no  confidence  in  thar  leeder,  Ginral  Skunk,  to  be- 
gin with — simperthised  with  the  uufortnit  critters  and  started  on 
the  dubblc  kwick  to  overtake  and  pertect  em,  and  so  the  stamp- 
pcde  bruck  out.  Uthers  traces  it  to  the  teamsters  who  on  bein 
sot  upon  by  the  enemees  hoss,  turned  tail  and  left  thar  waggings 
— ondressin  tharselves  as  they  fled  and  runnin  like  deers  for  bare 
life.  Wall,  these  is  very  purty  yarns,  but  you  kant  ketch  an  old 
war  egul  who  was  on  the  war  path  in  Mexico  and  led  two  storm- 
in  parties  at  Sublastapool  with  enny  setch  chaff.  Our  forces  was 
misabully  manooverd.  Oney  twenty  thousand  outer  forty-five 
thousand  was  brort  inter  the  fite,  ammernishin  fell  short  and  the 
sojers  hed  no  grub  for  more'n  twenty-four  hours.  They  were 
eggspeckted  to  give  the  fo  a  bellyfull  on  empty  stummicks.  And 
by  the  everlastiu !  they  fit  like  tigers.  Russell  who  was  in  the 
Crymeah  when  we  tuck  the  Mammyloue  and  the  Mollycoff,  ses 
the  New  York  troops  was  as  steddy  onder  fire  as  the  crack  ridg- 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  45 

ements  in  the  English  and  French  forlorn  hops.  They  never  gin 
in  ontill  nater  gin  out. 

The  fact  is  that  every  corpse  under  fire  behaved  like  trumps. 
Napollyuns  troops  dun  no  better  at  Sulphurino.  But  our  men 
was  outnumberd  and  faintin  for  want  of  vitals,  besides  the  odds 
agen  em  bein  all  of  three  to  wun.  War  was  Patterson  ? — darn 
his  pint-no-pint  tracktricks.  I  want  to  no  ef  he  aint  the  Billy 
Patterson  weve  all  heerd  tell  on,  as  went  dodgin  about  axin  who 
struck  him  and  was  allmity  ankshus  not  to  find  the  man.  It 
acktilly  pears  that  the  blind  old  cuss  tellagrafted  for  reinforce- 
ments to  meet  Johnstun,  arter  Johnstun  hed  formed  a  junkshin 
at  Manasses  with  old  Boweryguard.,  What  a  misabul  donkey. 
And  yet  hees  onably  discharged !  Pollyticks ! — pollyticks ! — 
that's  wot  manafactors  basswood  bragadears.  Doos  ennyboddy 
spose  ef  Wool  had  been  in  the  old  Pennsylvany  Foo  Foo's  place, 
he  would  a  ben  lookin  for  an  enemee  at  Harper's  Ferry  as  was 
forty  milds  off,  buckin  inter  our  troops  at  Bull's  Run?  Nary 
time ! 

The  savidge  conduck  of  sum  of  the  Suthern  shiverally  doorin 
the  fite  would  hev  disgraced  Rushin  Cassocks.  They  cut  pris- 
ners  throats  and  sot  the  wownded  up  for  targets,  and  perpetrated 
thar  bleedin  boddies  throo  and  throo  with  bullits  in  the  aggernees 
of  deth !  Ef  that's  thar  game  thar  dark  deeds  must  be  rekwited 
by  lettin  daylite  inter  em  in  the  same  fashin.  Setch  feinds 
desarve  hafe  a  yard  of  steel  apeace  and  nuthin  shorter  when  they 
cry  for  kwarters. 

Thehonable  Abe  was  kinder  tuck  aback  when  the  fust  squod 
of  mendashus  fudgetives  cum  bustin  in.  Subseqnintly  he  rekiv- 
ered  his  presents  of  mind  and  sent  his  valley  to  Capitol  Hill  to 
luck  for  me.  I  never  was  node  to  desart  a  comraid  in  a  bad  box, 
so  I  made  tracks  immediently  for  the  White  House. 

"  D.  V.,"  ses  Mr.  Lincoln,  puttin  his  arm  throo  mine  as  sun  as 
I  cum  in,  "  this  noos  rayther  decomposes  me  ;  wots  to  be  dun  ? 
Accordin  to  the  tung  of  rummer  we  are  lickt." 

"  My  Presidenshil  frend,"  ses  I,  "  we  may  be  lickt  but  we  air 
not  chawed  up.  I  suspeck  considabul  of  this .  story  is  fig- 
dishus." 

"  I  predicate  your  rite,"  he  remarkt,  "  but  a  steemer  sails  to 
morrer  and  the  morril  effeck  in  Yourip  will  be  wus'n  the  tariff." 

"  Darn  Yourip,"  I  replide,  "  we'll  giv  the  rebils  setch  a  harn- 
merin  yet  that  no  nashin  on  airth  will  reckognize  em.  Afore 
a  months  over  we'll  put  em  throo  thar  facins  in  setch  a  shape 
that  England'll  be  ashamed  to  countenance  em." 


48  WAB    LETTERS     OF 

"  D.  V.,"  ses  he,  "  youre  a  hull  team  and  a  bull  tarrier  atween 
the  wheels,  in  the  way  of  razin  a  feller's  sprits,"  ses  he ;  "  you 
never  orter  a  ben  disbanded.  Wot  shell  I  do — spit  it  out." 

"  Wall,"  I  responded  after  codjertatin  a  minnit,  "jest  send  for 
Maclellin  and  put  me  onto  his  staff." 

The  Venabul  Cheef  Madjestrit  nodded  his  hed  twyst,  and  winkt 
wunst,  so  I  persoom  he  entertaned  my  projeck. 

Troops  is  continally  arriving.  The  army  hevin  rekivered 
from  its  fateeg  feels  like  a  bird  and  is  a  raven  to  hop  wunst  more 
onto  the  fo.  We  shant  be  crowed  over  long,  you  ken  swar  to 
that.  It  is  sposed  here  that  Ginral  Lee  has  left  Lynchbug  in 
sairtch  of  Maclellin's  forces,  a  Lynchbugger  rebel  hevin  tella- 
grafted  won  of  his  frends  to  that  effeck.  I  trust  he'll  find  him, 
for  he  doos  Ime  konfident  he's  lost. 

Dont  be  downcast  in  the  North,  for  depend  upon  it  the  upshot 
will  be  the  prostrashin  of  the  traitors.  In  a  fair  shoulder  and 
elbo  wrastle  we  ken  giv  em  a  lofty  fall  and  no  mistake.  Trustin 
sun  tu  see  the  Stars  and  Stripes  wavin  over  the  ragamuffins  rag 
I  remane,  wolfier'n  ever, 

Yours  alias, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XIV. 

[It  seems,  from  the  following  letter,  that  the  rebels  on  the  line 
of  the  Potomac  have  been  put  on  short  allowance  of  beef  and 
bread,  and  are  deserting  in  consequence.  Meanwhile  our  army 
in  and  about  the  Seat  of  Government  is  becoming,  under  the 
excellent  regulations  of  General  McClellan,  more  efficient  every 
day.  We  commend  our  Disbanded  friend's  epistle  to  the  serious 
consideration  of  our  readers.  It  is  one  of  the  raciest  he  has 
written. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  August  9, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  MerTcary : 

I  larn  from  a  verytable  sorce  as  bred  stufls  is  amazing  skarse 
with  the  cornfedrits  at  Manasses,  and  as  beef  is  meated  out 
to  the  men  in  allmity  small  chunks.  Konsekeus  is  sum  of  the 
flour  of  the  Suthern  Army  is  gettin  wunny,  and  onless  they  air 


A    DISBANDED    VOLUNTEER.  47 

better  supplide  with  tlie  grate  staples  of  life  tliar'd  be  considabul 
bolting  afore  long. 

Our  spies  report  mutch  sickness  in  the  rebil  camp.  More'n  a 
thousand  of  Boweryguard's  shiverally  is  down  with  the  shakes  ; 
and  the  billiards — as  they  call  the  billyus  fever  in  Virginny — hes 
also  prosterated  menny  as  skaped  the  flyin  balls.  line  sorry  to 
say  thars  ben  a  power  of  fever  and  ager  payshints  in  our  own 
hospittles  senst  the  commensment  of  the  Dog  Days,  but  bark 
and  canine  brakes  up  the  decease  in  most  cases.  The  blazin  tem- 
pcratoor  at  this  season  is  all-fired  tryin  to  Nuthern  constetoo- 
shins,  and  severall  of  our  cumpanies  as  cum  here  as  fresh  com- 
plected as  yung  redishes  is  now  as  yaller  as  carats.  The  roasting 
heat  brings  all  the  bile  to  the  surfiz. 

But  the  orfullest  cuss  in  these  diggins  is  the  musketers.  The 
sojers  faces  wen  they  cum  in  from  pickit  dooty,  lucks  as  ef 
they'd  ben  sowed  with  fire  and  the  crop  was  cummin  up  oncorn- 
mon  thick.  Milyuns  of  the  sangwingary  critters  rise  outer  the 
slashes  at  sundown  and  charge  bagiiet  on  evry  onfortnit  human 
as  chanst  throes  in  thar  way.  Doughskin  pants  wont  turn  thar 
pisind  weepins,  and  when  they  attact  the  bare  skin  they  make  a 
bluddy  buzzyness  of  it  and  no  mistake.  A  medicle  frend  of  mine 
ses  he  never  seen  such  phleabottomy,  but  its  wusser'n  fleas  a 
darned  site. 

No  sines  of  a  forrard  movement  at  present.  Menny  thinks 
thar'll  be  no  March  ontil  September.  In  the  mean  time  the 
seckatary  of  war  is  reddin  the  army  of  sartain  puzzelanymous 
pups,  and  puttin  stanch  West  pointers  in  thar  places.  Maclellins 
dizzyplin  is  likwise  dooin  us  a  good  turn,  and  our  troops  will  be 
reddy  to  renoo  the  game  whenever  Simon  ses  wig- wag. 

Desarters  from  the  rebil  camp  reports  as  the  noose  from  the 
north  bout  our  sharp  shuters  niakin  thirty  inch  strings,  has  bed 
a  neckstensive  effect  at  hed-kwai  ters.  Plumpin  a  ball  throo  the 
oxiput  at  evry  pop  is  cummin  a  little  to  near  the  bull's  eye  to 
shoot  the  idees  of  the  bullies  of  Bull's  Run.  When  Jeff  Davis 
was  informt  as  his  effygee  was  shot  forty-four  times  in  suck- 
seshin  throo  the  dieafranie,  at  Weehawking,  they  say  he  was 
tuck  sick  at  the  stummick  and  turnt  as  pail  as  ef  he'd  ben  a  goin 
to  kick  the  buckit. 

I  onderstand  as  Boweryguard,  Jonstun  and  Lee  hes  sent  sekrit 
orders  to  a  Philadelphy  manfacterer  for  four  bullit-prulf  shirts 
witch  is  to  be  smuggled  South  by  female  secesshinists  oiider 
thar  onder  linnen,  the  upper  edges  bein  konsealed  with  lace  so 
as  to  peer  like  the  tops  of  their  shunmysets.  I  trust  as  a  brite 


48  WAK     LETTERS     OF 

luck  out  will  be  kep  for  em,  for  I  don't  want  our  sharp  shuters 
to  waist  thar  powder  and  shot  on  steel  corsets.  Howsever 
thars  no  call  for  em  to  fire  at  the  toddy ;  they  kin  aim  at  the  eyes 
as  Old  Put's  men  sighted  the  British  grannydears  at  Bunker  Hill. 

Talking  of  female  secessionists,  thar  infarnal  tretchery  is  a 
eawshin  to  Deliely.  They  air  continally  goin  South  with  Nuth- 
ern  arms  onderneath  thar  pettycoats,  and  criminal  curryspond- 
ence  in  thar  buzzurns.  We  oughter  hev  a  femmynine  perlece 
on  Mason  and  Dickson's  line,  to  sairtch  thar  wardrubs  and 
kompel  em  to  make  a  clean  brest  of  it.  As  it  is  they  air  little 
better  than  locomotive  maskt  battrees. 

Prence  Napollyun  hes  ben  the  lion  of  the  weak.  He  likes 
honest  Old  Abe  amazinly,  and  ses  no  wunder  the  peeple  lucks 
up  to  him,  for  he  reelizes  his  noshins  of  a  poplar  president. 
They  hev  hed  a  plesent  time  together  and  our  venabul  Chefe 
Madgistrit  hes  astonisht  his  distingwished  gest  with  a  few  of  his 
button-busting  cannondrums.  At  the  White  House  Bankwit  on 
Saturday  his  raillery  is  sed  to  hev  made  the  cumpany  larf  till 
they  nearly  split  tharselves.  On  wun  ockashin  he  axed  the 
Prence  why  French  Love  was  like  the  rage  for  French  Fashins. 

"Genessee  Par,"  replide  the  Prence — drorin  his  hed  down 
atwixt  his  sholders  like  a  skared  terrapin. 

"  Wai,"  ses  President  Abe,  "  its  bekase  its  a  Gal-o-mania." 

I  don't  see  it,  do  you  ?  But  they  all  rored  Ime  told,  so  I  spose 
it  was  a  remarkabul  wittyschism. 

In  coarse  Napollyun  hed  to  spit  out  sumthin  in  the  way  of  a 
rejineder,  so  ses  he  : 

"  My  dear  sare,  vy  shall  you  resamble  Shackaspear's  Reach- 
ard  ?" 

The  segashus  statesman  of  Illanoay  for  wunst  confest  a  non- 
plush. 

"Attenday!"  ses  his  hyness.  "You  resamble  Shackaspear's 
Reachard,  becos,  you  hop  to  conkare  rebellius  Eeachinond — 
aha !" 

But  noboddy  sed  Ha !  Ha !  in  reply. 

All  suckemstances  considered  its  difficult  to  say  whether  the 
Prence's  illushin  to  Richmound  was  intended  as  a  complement  or 
a  back  handed  slap  at  the  late  forrard  movement. 

Ginral  Scott,  who  sot  opposit  the  Prence  onderstood  it  in  the 
latter  senst,  and  by  way  of  givin  him  wun  in  return,  got  off  the 
follerin  : 

"  Why  was  your  illnstrus  sire  like  Jefferson  Davis?" 

His  hyness  srngged  his  sholders  and  gin  it  up. 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  49 

"He  tell  you,"  sea  the  Ginral,  "why  your  illustrua  sire  was 
like  Jefferson  Davis.  He  seceeded  from  the  American  union." 

The  Prence  fanned  hisself  with  the  dinner  keard  and  made  a 
horrabul  grim  ace,  for  he  couldent  help  but  see  as  the  old  vet- 
ran  allooded  to  the  Patterson  marridge.  Howsever,  he  sun 
rekivered,  and  evrything  past  off  pleasently. 

I  wouldent  be  kwalifide  that  the  foregoin  ackount  is  correck 
to  a  dot ;  but  I  hed  it  from  a  person  as  goes  evry wars  and  heers 
evrything  and  tells  evryboddy.  Mebbe  you  no  him.  His  name's 
Jenkins,  and  he's  considered  reliable  by  all  the  members  of  the 
Assoshiated  Press. 

I  hev  menny  more  skraps  of  informashin  on  hand  as  I  should 
be  glad  to  send  you,  but  as  the  mail  is  jest  ready  to  start,  and 
post  and  rail  waits  for  no  man,  I  must  postpone  them  till  nex 
week,  remaning  as  ushil, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XV. 

[The  old  war-horse  appears  to  have  been  in  a  particularly  bit- 
ter mood  when  he  wrote  the  following  letter,  but  his  strictures 
on  the  daily  press  for  affording  information  to  the  enemy  are  not 
undeserved. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  August  16, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merlcary  : 

The  kee-koles  of  the  guverrnent  offices  bcin  stopt  up,  the  deef 
and  dum  allfibit  interclooced  as  a  mejum  of  konfidenshil  konver- 
sashin  in  the  Cabbynet,  and  all  evesdroppers  kept  outer  the 
adrninistrashin  burrows,  the  rebels  is  deprived  of  the  airly 
informashin  about  our  milentary  moovments  formally  supplide 
to  them  throo  the  speshil  curryspondents  of  the  New  York 
Daylies.  As  they  depended  on  the  Washington  letter  riters  for 
rcglar  and  full  ackounts  of  Ginral  Scotts  plans,  the  meshurs 
takin  for  cuttin  off  those  gentlernens  interestin  tales  is  konsid- 
ered  a  sore  afflixshin  at  the  rebil  hed  kwarters. 

Senst  the  issoo  of  the  crewil  orders  witch  has  curtalcd  the 
liberties  of  your  paytryotic  jurnils,  rnore'n  two  hundred  seesesh- 
inists  here  hes  stopt  taken  of  em.    Setch  is  the  consekenses  of 
3 


50  WAR    LETTERS     OP 

milentary  despulism!  Giv  my  compliments  ro  the  eddyturs 
and  publishers  as  hes  ben  compeld  by  suckemstances  over  witch 
they  lied  no  control  to  keep  back  informashin  they  couldent  git, 
and  tell  em  they  hev  my  airnest  simperthees. 

You  air  aware,  in  coarse,  as  I  would  be  the  last  critter  on 
airth  to  giv  aid  and  cumfurt  to  the  horse  steal  fo ;  but  as  line 
iuformt  as  all  the  leadin  seeceshers  tends  camp  meet-ins  and  is 
convinst  of  sin,  I  persoom  they  cloosent  read  Sunday  papers,  and 
tharfore  will  be  nun  the  wiser  for  any  sekrit  informashin  corn- 
mponicated  to  the  North  throo  your  collumes.  I  bleve  I  vilate 
no  confidense  in  estirnatin  our  vailable  force  in  this  city  and 
subbubs  at  499,000  men,  and  I  keii  state  as  a  positive  fack 
that  as  sun  as  this  detachment  hes  ben  increast  by  the  forma- 
shin  of  new  ridgements  to  994,000,  a  forrard  moovment  will 
immediently  take  place  in  all  direckshins.  So  far  as  the  plan 
of  operashins  hes  ben  made  none  to  me,  it  is  calkilated  to 
insoor  brilyant  and  desisive  victries  at  every  pint  of  the  curnpass, 
arter  witch  the  hull  army  will  shake  hands  with  the  President 
and  instantly  retire  to  privit  life,  each  sojer  receivin  as  mutch 
land  as  he  hes  the  face  to  ax  for  and  a  thousand  dollars  to  sport 
hisself  and  fammaly  on,  until  the  fust  crop  of  hog  and  hummony 
begins  to  cum  in.  Ef  it  meets  the  vews  of  Congress  the  wind 
is  to  be  raised  for  the  sojers,  by  sails  of  confisticated  Suthern 
Cotton  and  ransurnming  the  Suthern  Shiverally  at  §5000  a  peace, 
or  less  ef  thar  frends  doosent  considder  em  wuth  takin  outer 
pawn  at  that  price.  Contrebands  is  also  to  be  returnt  to  thar 
nateral  gardeens  at  the  same  figger  if  reckwired. 

The  blockhed  continnees  onsatisfactory — leastways  to  our 
side,  but  I  hevent  lamt  that  the  South  makes  enny  cumplaint 
agen  it.  The  Richmond  Whig  hes  considabul  to  say  on  this  hed. 
Speaken  of  the  harbors  of  South  Caroliny  it  ses  thar  mouths  is 
open  and  private  ears  is  runnin  in  and  out  with  impewnity. 
Not  a  Union  crewsir  is  heerd  on  in  Allbemaul  Sound,  or  seen 
from  Cape  Lookout  or  dredded  at  Cape  Fear.  Howsever  if  thars 
enny  truth  in  Welles  the  Navy  Department  is  dooin  its  hull 
dooty  and  haint  by  no  means  the  misabul  old  pump  as  rnenny 
sposes. 

Thars  ben  a  sevagarous  muss  it  peers  in  the  seccshers  Cabbynet. 
Seckatary  Toombs  told  Presedent  Jeff  he  wanted  Washington 
infested  and  tuck  rite  away,  and  the  spiles  divided,  to  wilch  the 
grate  Mussysippian  replide  by  makin  a  spred  egul  of  his  fingers 
and  pearching  it  on  the  eend  of  its  nose,  at  the  same  time  spittin 
sarkasstically.  Toombs  immediently  threw  up  the  portfool  of 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  51 

his  department,  and  left  the  presents  grumblin,  Jeff  raisin  the 
toon  of  "  Hark  from  the  Toombs  a  dolefull  sound,  Mynheers 
attend  the  cry",  in  honor  of  his  absence.  Senst  then  the  distin- 
gwished  Georgyan  hes  gon  and  lested  for  the  war  as  a  South 
Caroliny  bragadear.  I  onderstand  as  Boweryguard  and  Johns- 
tun,  hevin  an  idee  that  thars  considabul  ol  a  puss  in  the  guvern- 
ment  coughers  is  all-wulfish  ankshus  to  sack  the  federal  Capital. 
Let  em  cum  on.  In  the  langwidge  of  the  sellybrated  Giural 
liiley  of  Missoouri 

"  Come  one,  come  all,  this  rock  shall  fly 
From  its  firm  base  in  a  pig's  eye." 

Take  Washington ! — why  it  would  be  an  easier  task  in  caparison 
for  a  Floridy  wrecker  to  onlock  the  gates  of  Heven  with  the 
Dubble  Hedded  Shot  Kees.  But  all  the  rebel  leeders  thinks  about 
is  plunder.  To  use  wunst  more  the  wurds  of  the  forsed  Genral 
Riley  theyre  "a  lot  of  spavined,  ring-boned,  ham-strung,  wind- 
galled,  swine-eyed,  poll-eviled,  split-hoofed  pollytishuns,"  as  hed 
thar  noses  in  the  public  crib  ontil  thar  warnt  fodder  enuff  left  to 
make  grewill  for  a  sick  grasshopper,  and  ef  they  could  oney  git 
thar  ugly  snoots  inter  it  agen,  now  its  replenisht,  they'd  be  as 
mutch  in  thar  element  as  a  drove  of  shad-bellied  shoats  in  a 
rooter-bugger  patch.  But  they  kant  cum  it.  They've  got  all  they 
ever  will  get.  The  nashinal  egul  sits  pearched  aloft  outer  thar 
reech  on  the  tree  of  liberty,  and  they  ken  neether  skare  him 
with  thar  shootin  iruns  nor  ketch  him  by  puttin  seeceshin  salt 
on  his  independent  tail. 

The  fall  of  Ginral  Lyon,  in  Missouri,  is  deeply  mourned  here, 
but  we  hev  the  satisfackshin  of  noin  that  the  rebel  Jackalls  was 
druv  howling  from  the  field  where  they  eggspected  to  feast  on 
the  spiles. 

I  hed  a  short  intervew  with  our  venabul  and  farsecshus  Presi- 
dent on  Munday  last,  on  witch  ockashin  he  axed  me  why  this 
Fall  would  resembul  airly  Spring.  I  reckwested  hafe  an  hour  for 
considerashun,  and  he  gin  it  to  me,  but  I  couldent  git  it  throo 
my  bar — so  he  was  kind  enuif  to  solve  the  mestiy.  Ses  he : 

"This  Fall  will  resembul  airly  Spring  bekase  thar'll  be  a  for- 
rard  March  in  September." 

Inie  afeard  he  forgot,  in  his  overflowin  humor,  that  he  was 
revealin  an  important  Cabbynet  sekrit. 

Ilevin  uuthin  further  to  add  I  sum  up  by  remainin  as.  ushil, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


53  TfAB    LETTERS    OF 

NO.  XYL 

[The  old  soldier  gives  the  Washington  rumor-mongers  and 
canarders  a  handsome  wipe,  and  pours  hot  shot  into  W.  H. 
Ilussell.  It  seems  our  correspondent  was  at  Willard's  when  the 
Times'  man  came  in  from  his  Gilpin-ride  from  Centreville  to  the 
capital,  and  the  account  given  by  the  Disbanded  of  his  panic- 
stricken  appearance  agrees  well  with  what  we  have  heard  from 
other  quarters. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  August  23, 1SG1. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  MerTcary  : 

Thars  an  all-thunderin  site  of  old  wimmin  in  the  world  dis- 
guysed  in  maskline  habillyments,  and  I  reckin  this  intrestin  tribe 
of  critters  aint  thicker  around  nowhars  on  the  face  of  the  airth, 
than  they  air  here.  Consarn  the  varments !  theyre  as  grate  on 
awefool  proffersighs  as  the  Witch  of  Ender,  and  they  raise  Sam 
with  skary  goneys  as  is  soft  enuif  to  be  suckt  in. 

Jest  now  these  crokin  cusses  is  torken  tharselves  inter  a  cast- 
iron  swet  on  two  tropics.  Wun  is  that  Bowerygard  and 
Johnstun  is  a  goin  to  make  a  tearin  attact  on  the  Seat  of  Guver- 
ment  and  tuther  that  England  and  France  intends  to  break  up 
our  Naval  blockhed.  Nuther  story  hes  enny  solid  foundashin. 
The  rebel  ginrals  hes  rayther  less  idee  of  pitchin  inter  us  than  I 
hev  of  buckin  blindfold  inter  a  nest  of  rattlesnaix,  and  its  eesy 
to  see  from  the  claws  about  America  in  the  Queen's  speech,  as 
the  Brittish  Lion  doosent  mean  to  thrust  his  paw  inter  our  naysh- 
inal  kwarrel.  As  to  France,  I  larn  from  the  Seckataiy  of  State 
that  the  Einprors  frendly  perfeshins  reseved  throo  Prence  Napo- 
llyontwo  weeks  ago  last  Saturday  is  konsidered  bony  friday. 

I  don't  think  in  my  own  pinion  tharll  be  enny  hullsail  fitin  in 
this  regin  ontil  we  opin  the  purseedings,  and  that'll  be  when 
Scott  &*  Maclellin  is  reddy  to  sail  in,  and  not  afore.  In  the 
meantime  it  would  be  a  mussy  ef  the  grannies  in  boots  and 
britches  as  runs  around  epinnin  sensashin  street  yarns,  was  put 
onder  a  rest  and  sot  to  mendin  sojers  stockens,  darn  em ! 

What  do  you  think  of  that  times-sarving  supersquirtical  cock- 
nee  cuss,  W.  H.  Russill  ?  They  hit  it  to  a  frackshin  wen  they  tact 
L.  L.  D.  to  his  name.  Lies  Like  Darnashin,  it  stands  for  I  cal- 
kilate ;  but  the  cocknee  pronounsiashin,  Hell,  Hell,  D.  soots  him 
jest  as  well.  The  puzzelanymous  critter ! — I  sor  him  when  he 
cum  in  from  Centerveal  arter  the  battel  of  Bull  run,  pantin  like 
a  pup  hound  arter  a  bar  hunt.  His  har  stud  on  eend,  his  eyes 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  53 

peered  as  big  as  sawsirs,  and  the  greese  was  a  dripping  offer 
him  like  the  fat  outer  a  barbacued  shoat.  He  made  the  best  time 
ever  heerd  on  from  Fairfaets,  and  heddent  even  breth  enuff'  to 
lie  for  ten  minuits  arter  he  arriv  here.  I  was  standin  in  Wil- 
lard's  bar  rum  when  he  rusht  in,  and  of  all  Gods  humans  that 
ever  a  skare  tuck  the  starch  outer,  he  was  the  limpyist  and  the 
dunoverest.  He  shuck  like  a  teeter  snipe  with  the  third  day 
ager,  and  ef  it  hadn't  a  ben  for  the  five  fingers  of  brandy  the 
bar-keeper  pored  out  for  him,  I  think  he'd  a  bed  a  connipshin  fit 
on  the  spot.  The  hoss  he  druv  is  senst  ded. 

And  this  is  the  flunky  as  writes  to  the  London  liebilmungers 
as  owns  him,  that  thar  warnt  a  battry  carrid,  nor  a  bagnet  crost, 
nor  a  hand-to-hand-knock-down-and-drag-out  skrimmage,  nor  a 
desput  struggle,  except  to  git  away,  in  the  hull  runcounter.  He 
seen  nuthin  of  the  kind,  he  ses.  How  in  the  name  of  partickler 
thunder  could  he,  onless  his  eyes  had  ben  behint,  for  accordin 
to  all  ackounts  he  no  sunner  smelt  gunpowder  than  he  wheeled 
his  rare  to  the  fire  like  a  shiverin  cur  on  a  frosty  morning.  And 
the  misabul  sarpint  shode  his  liebilous  letters  to  the  seeceshcrnist 
leeders  afore  he  sent  em  to  his  cocknee  masters,  it  seems.  He's 
a  sneakia  spy,  that's  wot  he  is,  the  pot-bellied  skunk.  Ginral 
Scott  he*  provoked  the  pass  he  gin  him  I  onderstand,  but  that 
aint  enuff,  he  oughter  be  consined  back  to  his  English  ovrnem 
in  a  soot  of  tar  and  fethers. 

The  Christian  Sosiashin  Sabbath  Committy  as  cum  on  here  to 
warn  the  guverment  agin  the  onpardanabul  sin  of  flaxin  out  the 
rebels  on  a  Sunday,  left,  Ime  informed,  with  a  flee  in  thar  ear. 
The  Army  Chaplins  guv  em  the  cold  sholder,  and  the  oflsirs  ad- 
vised em  to  go  hum  to  thar  mars  and  tend  Sunday  skool  and 
not  interfear  with  milentary  camp  meetins.  They  axed  the 
President  ef  he  bed  no  venerashin  for  the  canons  of  the  church, 
but  he  oney  winked  his  wether  eye,  in  his  ushil  good  humercl 
way,  and  told  em  his  fust  dooty  was  to  silence  the  cannons  of 
the  common  enemee.  Finerly  they  shuck  the  dust  off  thar  feet, 
and  made  tracts  for  hum,  thinkin,  I  spose,  that  retches  as 
would  wurk  for  the  salvashin  of  the  kentry  on  the  Lord's  day 
was  little  better'n  the  Hittites  and  other  foes  of  Jehovah  as  got 
Jessee  in  Skripter  times.  Now,  my  noshin  is  that  walkin  inter 
traitors  to  God  and  man,  tooth  and  toe-nail,  on  a  Sunday,  is 
eenamost  as  acceptabel  to  Heven  as  dozin  in  a  fashanabul 
church — but  then  I  aint  no  orthority  for  super-sanktified  fokes, 
most  on  em  considerin  me  (vewed  in  a  relidjus  lite)  as  a  bad  egg, 
and  in  fack  but  little  better'n  an  infiddle. 


54  WAR    LETTERS     OB1 

"We  larn  to-day  as  the  seeceshers  is  strenthenin  thar  persishin 
at  Acqui  Crick,  and  sum  ses  "  Why  doosent  Old  Welles  give 
era  acquifortis  ?"  Simple  civilians  kant  see  the  polysee  of  al- 
lowin  the  darn'd  theves  to  plant  thar  rifeld  artillery  all  along 
shore.  They  say  ef  the  seckatary  knew  beans  he'd  shell  'em 
out.  But  I  tell  the  grumblers  he's  oney  waitin  tell  the  hull  river's 
fortyfide  from  Mount  Vernon  to  the  Chaseapeak,  so's  to  make  a 
single  job  on't  and  fix  all  thar  flints  to  wunst.  Cummin  as  he 
doos  from  the  lyal  State  of  Conneticut  he  must  be  sum  punk- 
ins,  I  gess,  tho  at  present  evry  thing  in  his  department  seems  to 
be  throne  inter  pi. 

At  lenth  the  bizness  of  snaldn  traitors  outer  the  guverment 
burrows  lies  commenst  in  airnest.  It  was  about  time,  fur  they 
was  as  thick  and  sawsy  as  the  Coyotes  on  a  Western  dog 
prayery.  Sartainly  the  way  skoundrils  in  offis  hes  been  hunny- 
fugglin  and  betrayin  us  ever  senst  the  Fort  Suinter  turn-up, 
beats  Judas.  I  conseat  thar  never  was  a  guverment  on  the 
fut-stool  kwite  so  owdashisly  sold.  Oney  think  of  our  extre 
perleece  as  gits  twelve  dollars  a  week  apeace  to  gard  the  city 
agen  traitors  in  war  time,  bein  two  thirds  of  em  Jeff  Davis 's 
rebel  cattle,  while  the  mare  hisself  wares  the  seecesh  collar  and 
drors  in  the  same  team. 

Troops  is  porin  in  like  an  avalaunch  and  the  array  is  as  full 
of  spunk  as  a  herd  of  mustang  colts  in  fly  time.  Ef  Bowery- 
gard  and  his  Murrnurduns  thinks  we  owe  em,  let  em  dror  on 
us  at  site  and  we'll  lickwidate  in  full. 

All  the  heds  of  departments  is  as  lively  at  catfish  in  a  freshit, 
and  Maclellin  works  like  a  beaver.  They  are  all  kwite  frendly 
wen  we  meet,  and  Seward  ses  he  larfs  hartily  over  my  letters, 
tho  wot  he  sees  to  larf  at  Irne  darned  ef  I  no,  for  ef  ever  thar 
was  a  curryspondent  in  sober  airnest  its 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER 


No.  XVII. 

[The  female  spies  get  it  this  week,  hot  and  heavy.    D.  V 
favors  us  with  a  decidedly  spicy  letter. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  August  30, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

We  larn  from  the  buck  of  Genesees  that  man  was  oridginally 
snaked  inter  rebellyun  by  a  member  of  the  femmynine  sect.    He 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  55 

dident,  hisself,  pursenally  as  an  individyal,  hanker  arter  it — in 
fact  it  was  Adam's  Express  wish  to  keep  outer  it,  but  Eve  over- 
perswaded  him  to  go  in  and  he  dun  so,  and  evry  thing  went  to 
blazes  as  mought  hev  ben  andissipated.  In  konsekens  of  this 
onjestitiabul  act  of  hern,  all  kinder  wickedness  hes  ben  called 
Eve-ill  ever  senst. 

Aperiently  sum  of  the  darters  of  that,  fast  woman  of  antickity 
inherits  thar  Mannar's  taste  for  plottin  treson  with  Abadun. 
Not  to  spcke  in  pairabuls,  pettycut  puffidy  is  makin  no  eend  of 
trubblc  here.  On  Tuesday  last  a  Suthern  lady  of  the  hyesi 
tun  crost  our  lines  with  two  hunderd  wait  of  percushing 
caps  for  the  Nobs  at  Richmond.  On  Wensday  the  wife  of 
wun  of  the  big  guns  of  seeseshin  was  rested  with  twenty  revolvers 
cousealed  in  her  rnantiller.  She  was  spotted  in  konsekens  of 
droppin  a  Colt  as  she  was  steppin  inter  her  carridge  in  frunt  of 
Brown's  Hottel.  Purceedin  to  her  rum  they  sairtched  the  bag- 
gidge  and  found  in  a  trunk  six  duzzen  Aircansaw  toothpicks,  a 
plan  of  the  Slashes  and  other  artickles  contrabrand  of  War. 
But  wus  than  all,  three  yung  ladies  from  Louseanna  was  cort 
yesterday  in  the  act  of  couveyin  aid  and  cumfurt  to  the  enemee 
in  thar  onder-linnin. 

The  way  of  it  was  this.  Suspishin  hevin  ben  directed  to  em 
by  a  synonyrnus  letter  thar  dry  goods  was  seezed  and  on  sar- 
tain  onmenshinabul  garments  of  theirn  diegrams  was  diskivered 
of  all  our  strong  points  in  inwisabul  ink,  witch  on  bein  held  to 
the  fire  cum  out  in  blue  and  red,  showin  in  glarin  cullers  the 
treesonabul  nater  of  thar  desines.  Wun  of  the  sketches  kivered 
the  hull  sirfiz  of  a  pair  of  ondeskribabuls.  Washington  Navy 
Yard  ockypied  the  legs,  with  a  carricatoor  Of  Seckatry  Welles 
in  the  back  ground,  chasin,  hafe  a  skore  of  clipper  bilt  craft, 
in  a  Tiber  Crick  mud  skow.  Onderneeth  the  skow  was  rit  in 
Riunrnun  karicters  the  wurds — "  LET  HER  RIP — VAN  WINKLE". 
The  captins  of  the  clippers  was  represented  standin  on  thar 
starns  with  thar  fingers  and  thuins  purjected  out  from  thar  noses, 
as  ef  takin  an  observashin  of  the  Seckatry  with  thar  Naval  sex- 
tons. This  shamless  liebill  on  the  active  and  lively  Giddyun, 
Avas  found  at  the  bottom  of  the  youngest  lady's  ridicule.  Anuther 
droring  on  wun  of  the  misses  stays,  was  a  fac  semele  of  Fort 
Corkrun,  with  Seckatry  Cameron  desguysed  as  a  Chatham-street 
Jew,  sellin  seckind-hauded  pantyloons  to  the  sojers.  Below 
was  this  inskripshin.  BEWAR  OP  MOUNTIN  IMPRACTICABLE 
BREECHES  ;  and  in  smaller  letters  "  Behold  the  rale  Simon 
Pure."  This  sketch  was  dragged  outer  a  dirty  close  bag.  I  ort 


56  WAB     LETTERS     OF 

to  say  these  intrestin  pettycut  develupments  is  doo  excluesively 
to  the  New  York  perleece  on  dooty  here,  for  the  Deestrick  offsirs 
is  a  shiftless  set  of  fellers  and  hes  no  more  idee  of  the  tricks  and 
subterfudges  of  female  traitors  than  a  ded  drum  fish  hes  of  the 
musick  of  the  spears. 

The  wardrubs  put  to  setch  vile  porpusses  hes  ben  confisticated, 
and  -will  be  placed  amung  the  curosities  at  the  paytent  olfis  as 
monyments  of  the  lenths  to  witch  the  misgided  South  carries 
its  bellygerent  projecks,  and  displays  its  hatred  for  sum  of  the 
mitey  sperits  at  the  hed  of  affares. 

A  kind  of  pennytenshiary  for  traitors  of  the  crinoleen  per- 
swashin  hes  been  fitted  up  here,  and  sevral  as  would  hev  sold  us 
to  the  enemee  hev  ben  placed  in  solentary  sells.  The  objcck  of 
givin  em  separit  berths  doorin  thar  confinement  is  to  prevent  em 
from  layin  thar  heds  together  and  hatching  more  treeson. 

Ef  it  warnt  that  I've  promest  the  illustrus  old  gentleman  at  the 
White  House  to  keep  dark  I  could  send  you  sum  thrillin  noose 
about  the  eggspeedishin  as  sailed  tether  day  from  Fort  Munroe. 
It  would  make  your  harts  leap  ef  you  new  wots  a  bruin,  but 
honor  ses  paws,  forbear — and  I  must  lissen  to  her  vice.  I  may 
menshin,  howsever,  that  altho  the  race  is  not  allus  to  the  fleet, 
the  operashins  of  the  squodrun  will  not  be  slow.  Butler  is  ank- 
shus  to  dror  the  enemies  claret,  and  ef  Stringham  cums  acrost 
enny  private  ears,  they're  everlastin  shure  to  be  cut  oiF.  In  the 
meantime,  luck  out  for  a  heavy  slap  at  the  Suthern  cost  Pre- 
haps  afore  this  reeches  New  York,  you'll  hear  of  startlin  fire- 
wurks  in  an  onprepared  kwarter. 

I  suppose  youve  red  Russills  last  liebill  and  the  commontories 
of  the  London  Times.  Isent  John  Bull  a  consistent  pup  ? 
Arter  yellin  hisself  black  in  the  face  agen  nigger  slavery,  he 
cums  out  flatfooted  in  favor  of  the  slave-drivers.  He  has  no 
siniperthy  for  wool  when  he  kant  git  cotton.  His  soul's  in  his 
pus,  and  ef  Sea  Hand  cotton  was  growd  in  Tofit,  and  its  brimstun 
shores  was  blockheaded  by  cherrybums,  he'd  go  in  for  brushin 
throo  and  ma-kin  a  comrnershil  treety  with  the  enemee  of  God 
and  man  on  the  terms  of  the  most  faverd  nashins. 

Cam  and  undismaid  the  upright  Abe  maintains  his  elevated 
and  lofty  persishin  both  as  regards  furrin  interfearance  and  dum- 
mesiick  treeson.  His  reddy  wit  and  satyr,  onequilled  senst  the 
ainshent  poick  Juvenile,  convulses  all  as  cums  in  contract  with 
him.  Mrs.  Lincoln  who  has  been  kept  in  a  rore  of  lafter  for  up- 
pards  of  twenty  'ears  by  his  errisistabul  cannondrums,  hes,  as  you 
air  aware,  gon  North  to  recrute,  and  is  at  present  inewsin  her- 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  57 

self  in  the  neybrood  of  the  great  Catarack.    The  fack  that  she 
ken  injoy  the  glories  of  natur  and  the  gay  and  festiv  seen  at 
Long  Branch  and  Niagary  doorin  the  present  orful  crysis,  i?  a 
pruif  that  her  celastic  mind  sores  abuv  nayshinal  mesfortin  and 
is  full  of  lively  hops  in  a  seesin  of  ginral  glooin. 
In  the  same  cherful  frame  of  mind  I  remain, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XVUI. 

[Our  venerable  correspondent  is  somewhat  desultory  this  week, 
but  there  is  pith  and  marrow  in  hi3  remarks  for  those  who  will 
take  the  trouble  to  read,  mark,  and  inwardly  digest  them. — EDS.] 

"WASHINGTON,  September  6, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merlcary  : 

"Wunst  more  the  Merican  Egul  fixes  his  sorin  eyes  on  the 
Sun,  and  wings  his  suckling  flight  throo  the  bloo  volt  of  Hevin, 
sreekin  Hellalooyou  like  an  eggsighted  locomotive.  The  seoces- 
sion  bray  over  Manasses  lies  ben  compleatly  choked  down  senst 
we  nocked  em  cold  at  Fort  Hotterass.  Dispatches  from  thar  to- 
day states  as  the  peeple  around  is  delited  with  the  change  and 
considers  our  ockypashin  of  the  Sound  pro  borio  pamlico.  I  see 
the  Richmond  Whig  calls  it  a  barrun  victury,  but  I  gess  the 
seven  hundred  triators  as  is  now  tastin  its  bitter  frutes  doosent 
think  so.  Ginral  Butler  ses  he  never  seen  fellers  so  down  in 
the  mouth.  The  offsirs  keep  a  purty  stiff  upper  lip ;  but  the 
privits,  who  sposed  that  Commadore  Stringem  would  hang  em, 
or  make  em  walk  the  plank  as  sun's  they  got  a  board,  hed  teers 
in  thar  eyes  wen  they  gin  up  thar  weepins.  In  coarse  Ginral 
Butler  feels  as  proud  as  a  speckled  hoss  on  county  court  day. 
He  warn't  slo,  was  he,  in  expressin  hisself  to  Washington,  with 
the  noose  of  the  explite  1  He  hes  that  wether  eye  of  his'n  on 
the  Presidenshil  Cheer  and  no  mistake,  but  the  crowd  pressin  in 
that  direckshin  is  so  numerus  and  spry,  that  Ime  afeard  his 
hops  will  be  blasted.  In  fack  he  hes  about  as  much  chanst  to  go 
in  and  win  as  wun  of  Ben  "Wood's  Lottery  Tickits  hes  to  turn 
up  a  Capital  prize,  or  the  North  pole  hes  to  be  shivred  with 
chain  litanin. 

The  rtfimner  of  Jeff  Davis's  deth  created  a  lively  sensashin 
8* 


58  WAB    LETTERS     OF 

here,  and  much  disapintment  was  felt  on  lamin  that  it  was  oney 
the  pirit  craft  of  that  name  as  hed  gon  under.  Pity  it  hedent  a 
ben  the  man  of  mark  insted  of  the  letter  of  mark  as  went  to 
Davy's  locker.  Howsever  they  say  he  hes  a  fatil  decease  in  wun 
of  his  optickle  nerves,  which  is  sartain  to  carry  him  off  kwick's 
a  wink  wun  of  these  days.  But  mebbe  the  story's  oney  got  up 
for  a  blind.  Ef  he  doos  go  down  to  an  ontimely  grave  Toornbs 
will  probly  be  his  sucsessor,  onless  seeceshin  caves  in  afore 
eleckshin  day. 

Puffessor  Low  made  an  ariel  vige  from  our  lines  tuther  day, 
and  remaned  in  the  atmostfear  about  forty  ininnits.  lie  brort 
interestin  intelligents  from  the  skies  consarnin  sum  new  rebel 
forts  below  Alexandry  ;  but  in  my  opinyun  his  forts  is  nuthin 
rnore'n  castils  in  the  air.  "Wile  makin  his  observashins,  the  rebel 
artillerists  at  Munson's  Hill  gin  him  a  complimentary  ball,  and 
he  immediently  cum  down,  as  the  coon  did  to  Captin  Scott,  to 
save  further  trubble.  I  suppose  you  remember  the  pufiessor. 
He  puffessed  his  intcnshin  of  rnakin  a  beeline  throo  the  clouds 
from  New  York  to  Leverpull,  two  years  back,  but  it  eeuded  in 
belyin  publick  eggspecktashin.  Arter  razin  the  wind  he 
deklined  to  go  up  on  ackount  of  the  Fall  bein  onplesant.  Who'd 
hev  thort  setch  a  bag  of  wind  would  ever  take  a  high  persishin 
at  the  seat  of  guverment ;  but  war's  like  a  skwall  at  sea,  it  brings 
enny  kwantity  of  bubbles  to  the  sirfiz. 

The  female  rebels  in  prisin  here  allows  thar  suiTerins  is  past 
indurance.  No  balls,  no  consorts,  no  keards,  no  theayter,  no 
shoppin,  no  street  yarns,  no  compliments,  no  flirtashins,  no 
chanst  to  pore  thar  sorrers  inter  the  ears  of  simperthishi  trai- 
tors. A  house  was  sot  on  fire  in  thar  neybrood  tuther  night, 
hoppin  they  would  be  abel  to  raise  cain  with  thar  gards,  and 
run  away  by  the  light  of  it.  But  it  was  no  go ;  the  offsirs  was 
on  the  key  veeve,  and  the  bolt  dident  cum  oif  accordin  to  the 
program.  It  is  sed  that  Bowerygard  hes  offert  to  ransurn  the 
fare  jail  birds  at  the  rate  of  ten  prisners  of  war  a  peace,  and  to 
thro  in  the  Honabul  Mr.  Eely  and  other  nun-cumbertents  as 
makewaits,  but  the  guverment  prefers  the  wimmen  and  declines 
to  dicker,  witch  renders  thar  predickerment  ridickerlous.  I  feel 
niitey  little  pitty  for  eni,  howsever.  Even  wen  it  wares  petty- 
cuts  I  kaut  say  Alass  for  Treeson!  And  yet  these  female 
kulprits  hes  sum  caws  of  complaint,  arter  all,  fur  at  the  very 
lime  they  was  tuck  prisners  a  sartain  rank  femmynine  rebel  here 
was  in  the  habbit  of  torkin  seecesshiii  to  the  guvemient  funkshin- 
aries  tharselves  without  enny  atteinp  been  made  to  captivate  her. 


A     DISBANDED    VOLUNTEER.  59 

I  seen  this  elegant  and  fasliinabul  traiteress  with  my  own  eyes 
figgerin  at  the  party  of  wun  of  the  Seckatries  last  week,  and 
makin  herself  as  much  to  hum  as  Bellesbub  did  wen  he  played 
the  spy  in  parrydice.  The  marrid  wimmen  among  the  captives 
greves  purty  hard  about  bein  seprated  from  thar  spowses,  Inn- 
told,  but  wives  as  act  the  part  of  Arnolds  deserve  no  better'^ 
to  be  deprived  of  thar  Benedicts.  In  fack  thar  trecherus  capers 
is  wus'n  the  miss  demeanors  of  the  young  lady  seccesh- 
eners,  bekase  they  no  more,  and  hev  more  wait  in  the  community, 
and  dident  oughter  to  be  so  easily  carrid  away. 

The  enemee  enkarnpt  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  river  is  as 
lively  nigfits  as  Texas  fleas  in  a  greaser's  blanket,  and  jest  as 
anxshus  to  dror  blud  in  the  dark.  They  hop  by  pickin  off  our 
pickets  from  thar  ambushes,  and  setch  kinder  sneaking  gorilla 
warfare,  to  git  our  army  to  make  a  brush  at  em  wen  they  ken 
take  the  advantedge.  But  they  kant  cum  the  spider-and-fly 
game  twyste  in  wun  camppain,  I  calkilate.  Wen  Maclellin's 
reddy  he'll  pitch  inter  em  like  a  fish-hawk  into  a  skool  of  moss- 
bunkers  ;  but  in  the  intrim  they  mought  as  well  try  to  git  a  fox 
outer  his  hole  by  torking  turkey  to  him.  Thars  a  rod  in  pickle 
for  em  tho,  and  no  mistake ;  and  when  the  time  cums  for  usin  it, 
salt  wont  save  em.  Ef  it  warnt  that  paytryitism  forbids,  I  could 
tell  you  all  the  particklers ;  but  in  order  to  make  the  blow  shoor, 
it  is  important  to  keep  the  fo  from  gitting  wind  of  it.  All  I  ken 
say  is,  you'll  hear  sumthin  clrap  atwixt  this  and  October,  and  it 
wont  be  the  Star-Spangeld  Banner. 

I  continny  to  enjoy  the  confidence  of  the  eggsalted  hed  of  the 
nashin,  and  am  happy  to  say  that  my  letters  in  the  Merkary — 
witch  is  his  favorit  amung  all  the  weaklies — meets  his  vews  to  a 
dot.  He  sissers  em  outer  the  paper  regarly,  and  files  em  away 
with  as  much  keer  as  ef  they  was  oflishal  dockyments.  As  we 
was  ridin  out  together  to  the  Chain  Bridge  tuther  day  to  make  a 
reckannoysence  of  the  rebel's  wurks,  he  gin  me  a  hull  string  of 
cannondrums — sum  of  witch  I  prepose  to  send  you  in  my  nex 
epistol.  You  may  consider  this  a  speshil  favor,  for  Vanity  Fare 
and  Harpers'  Weakly  hes  repeatedly  applide  to  him  for  contri- 
bushins  in  vain. 

With  airnest  assperashins  for  the  sucksess  of  tho  good  caws,  I 
rernane,  as  on  prevyous  ockashins, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


60  •VTAELETTEKSOF 


NO.  XIX. 

[The  old  boy  is  evidently  disgusted  -with  the  pacific  aspect  of 
affairs  at  Washington.  He  loves  a  "  skrimrnage  "  better  than  any 
Irishman  that  ever  trailed  a  coat  through  Donnybrook  Fair,  and 
the  smell  of  gunpowder  is  as  grateful  to  his  nostrils  as  eau  de 
cologne  to  a  fainting  dandy.  He  says  he  begins  to  feel  "  wolfish 
about  the  head  and  ears,"  and  it  is  easy  to  see  from  the  tenor  of 
some  parts  of  his  letter  that  he  is  spoiling  for  a  fight.  If  there 
should  be  a  battle  at  the  capital,  he  will  be  in  the  thick  of  it,  sure 

as  fate. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  September  13, 1801. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

Three  week  senst,  wen  all  the  foo-foo  letter-riters  allowd  as 
Washington  was  in  immedient  dannger  of  a  salt,  I  pernounst  it 
gammon.  Peeple  as  bleves  in  the  predickshins  of  the  speshil 
curryspondents  here,  must  be  at  a  loss  for  profits.  Thar  biz- 
ness  is  to  manfactor  sensashins,  and  they  make  up  thar  artickles 
outer  hull  cloth — breeches  of  truth  not  bein  considerd  of  the 
slitest  konsekens  by  these  false  tail-barers.  Wai,  the  sete  of  guv- 
erment  lies  not  ben  attacted  jest  as  I  sed  it  wouldcnt.  The  storm 
hes  not  cum,  but  quiet  rains.  No  wun  can  say  wots  in  the  wind, 
but  thars  no  simtums  of  hard  blows  at  present.  In  the  mean- 
time everyboddy  is  on  the  key  veeve  for  slorter  evry  mornin,  and 
goes  to  bed  cussin  thar  blasted  eggspecktashins  at  night.  Ef  it 
warnt  for  pickit  shootin  and  keards,  the  city  would  spile  for 
want  of  reckcreashin.  But  the  milentary  offsirs  plays  youcur 
and  brag,  wile  the  privit  sojers  makes  up  little  parties  amung 
tharselves,  to  go  picket  huntin  by  moonlite,  and  as  the  rebels 
plunges  inter  the  latter  amewsment  with  all  the  ardor  of  thar 
Suthern  naters,  sumtimes  as  inenny  as  five  and  six  Gentries  is 
wiped  out  in  a  single  night.  Both  sides  keeps  tally  of  thar  game, 
and  up  to  the  present  time  the  insirgents  is  five  privits,  three 
corporeals,  and  two  sirgents  ahead. 

The  gamblin  housen  here  is  to  be  shet  up,  to  prevent  em  from 
spilin  the  inorril  principals  of  the  army  paymasters.  Wun  of 
these  innercent  but  veniursum  critters  hes  ben  onfortunit  enuff 
to  be  bled  to  the  toon  of  a  hundred  thousand  dollars,  guver- 
ment  munny,  at  cut  throat,  witch  Uncle  Sam  will  rekiver  about 
the  time  that  Faro's  trcshurs  is  fisht  from  the  bottom  of  the  Red 
Sea.  The  misabul  man  axes  a  suspeushiu  of  publick  opinion, 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  61 

but  I  think  publick  opinion,  cspcshally  in  the  array,  is  raytlier- 
in  favor  of  a  suspension  of  him. 

Considerin  the  expense,  it  is  thort  by  sum  hasty  spenits  that  the 
war  is  etarnal  slo,  but  I  onderstancl  that  arter  the  Nayshinal 
Fast,  Ginral  Scott  intends  to  walk  inter  the  sassy  rebels  allinity 
rapid.  In  the  meantime  the  guverment  is  dispersin  over  a  mil- 
lion a  day  without  givin  enny  aperient  check  to  the  moovments 
of  the  cnemee.  Wun  thing  is  sartain,  namely,  if  we  dont  sail  in 
purty  recently,  Boweryguard  and  Johnstun  will  raze  a  muss  in 
Merryland.  I  hev  it  from  a  relieable  gentleman — not  the  ungodly 
retch  as  tells  setch  sickenin  sockdologers  in  the  daylies,  but  a 
honabul  highininded  spy  as  I  keep  for  my  own  privit  use — that 
the  mane  body  of  thar  hoss,  and  the  bone  and  sinner  of  thar  foot 
is  on  the  upper  Potomac,  and  as  sun's  they  ken  git  boats  the  hull 
raft  will  be  over.  My  spy,  who  has  the  onlimitecl  confidence  of 
all  the  rebel  leaders,  ses  that  wile  they  are  makin  faints  in  frunt 
of  our  lines  they  eggspeck  to  give  us  fits  in  the  rare.  Enter  noose 
(as  they  say  in  Payris),  ef  they  try  that  they'll  find  we  hev  em  on 
a  string  and  nary  loophole  to  creep  out  at. 

The  dirty  little  squab  owl  of  the  London  TYweshesginanuther 
hoot  at  us,  I  notis.  lie's  a  feerce  bird  on  a  small  skale,  but  his 
talents  isent  sharp  cnulF  to  hurt  ennyboddy,  and  scnst  he  shode 
the  white  fclher  in  turnin  tail  at  Centerveal,  and  Ray  let  daylight 
inter  his  liebils,  noboddy  keers  a  hooter  for  his  skrceching. 
Ime  told  he  attribits  the  orderin  of  twenty-two  thousand  fresh 
troops  to  Canady  entirelie  to  his  letters,  and  intermates  that  ef  he 
isent  treated  with  the  respeck  doo  to  an  eggsofishyo  repersenta- 
tive  of  John  Bull,  the  Lion  and  the  Eunuchorn  will  pitch  inter 
the  Merican  Egul  quicker'n  a  greased  thunderbolt.  I  hope  no 
vilencc  will  be  ofi'erd  to  the  little  cuss.  He  aint  wuth  tar  and 
fethers. 

The  remark  that  puttin  trust  in  prences  is  like  leanin  on  a 
brokin  reed  doosent  seem  to  hold  good  as  regards  the  Empror 
of  all  the  Rushes.  His  macljesty  hesent  disremembered  Unkle 
Sam's  kind  feelins  tords  Old  Nick  his  imperial  parient,  doorin 
the  Crymean  War,  and  he  offers  a  wurd  of  cherful  encurridge- 
ment  when  all  the  rest  of  the  crownd  beds  is  larfin  in  thar 
sleeves  at  our  difi'erculties,  and  hopping  airnestly  sun  to  see  us 
on  our  last  legs.  All  honor,  I  say,  to  the  distingwisht  JVIusstgo- 
fight !  Success  to  the  Musscoveys — and  Ime  raal  sorry,  now,  as 
I  fit  agen  the  Zar's  father  at  Inkaman  and  uther  places  on  the 
Black  Sea.  I  was  a  darned  fool  to  take  up  arms  agen  him  for 
John  Bull,  and  I  take  this  oppcrtoonity  to  make  the  a  mend 


62  WAR    LETTERS    OP 


Its  troo  as  neether  Alegsuncler  nor  Prence  Gartersoft, 
puts  the  boot  on  the  right  leg  in  thar  letter,  but  it  shoes  the  Zar 
hes  a  nobul  sole,  and  desires  to  be  on  a  frendly  footing  with 
Yankee  Doodle.  Seward  torked  to  some  purpuss  wen  he  called 
it  magnannymous. 

Thar  was  a  Cabbynet  ineetin  on  Toosday,  and  I  am  informt 
from  a  sekrit  sorce,  namely,  the  dorekeeper,  that  a  varity  of 
meshers  for  bringin  the  war  to  a  foecuss  was  disgusted. 

The  Seckatry  of  State  thort  that  in  the  onrepressabull  conflick 
with  the  South  the  Lord  was  on  our  side,  and  he  looked  to  the 
grate  Helper  and  the  good  Book  for  sport  in  all  our  tryalls. 

The  Seckatry  of  War  sed  that  for  his  part  he  agreed  with 
Tolerant,  the  sourcaustic  French  minister,  that  Hevin  was  on  the 
side  of  them  as  had  the  most  cannon.  It  was  on  that  aekount 
that  Ginral  Wool  hed  added  'Le  Grand  Cannon  of  Runslayer 
county  to  his  staff. 

Ginral  Scott  —  who  was  present  by  invitashin  —  smgged  his 
Bholders  when  the  name  of  Ginral  Wool's  new  a  decamp  was 
menshint,  and  remarkt  that  b3in  a  feller  of  small  caliber  he 
could  oney  be  counted  as  a  son  of  a  gun. 

The  illustrus  wood  chopper  of  Illanoy  was  mutch  tickled  by 
the  joke,  and  slappin  the  Hero  of  Chipaway  on  the  back  larfed 
until  the  teers  cum  inter  his  eyes. 

Secktary  Welles  allowed  that  altho  an  old  man,  he  felt  the  fire 
of  seventy-six  stirrin  in  his  vanes,  and  reckamended  the  addish- 
iug  of  a  few  more  seventy  -fours  to  the  navy. 

Secktary  Smith  sed  that  the  peeple  in  the  Inteerior  dident 
crave  enny  more  seventy-fours  in  that  kwarter,  but  considered 
that  Twenty-eights  and  Thirty-twos  would  be  much  more  sar- 
visable  to  the  kentry.  Lively  craft  was  wot  was  wanted  for 
the  present  naval  blockhed. 

The  hed  of  the  Treshury  Department  was  absent,  bein  engaged 
at  the  patent  offis  examinin  a  noo  masheen  for  workin  off  Treshuiy 
notes  by  means  of  fork  litenin. 

The  conclushun  cum  too  by  the  Cabbynet  Counsel  was  that 
the  war  should  be  persecuted  both  by  the  army  and  navy  with 
the  utmost  rigger,  arter  which  Camerun  sung  the  "  Sojer's  Tear," 
and  Welles  "  The  Open  Sea,"  while  the  President  gin  the  ballad 
of  "Chivvy  Chase"  in  honor  of  the  great  Western  fineand- 
shear. 

I  shoulclent  be  mutch  sprised  ef  you  hear  by  telacraft  of  a  fite 
atween  Ginral  Rosecranch  and  Ginral  Lee,  afore  this  reaches 
you.  My  spy  ses  if  thar  aint  a  collushin  atwixt  em  within  a  week 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  63 

I  may  take  his  bed  for  a  foot-ball.    Howsever  arter  all  thars 
raebbe  nutbin  in  it. 

Hopin  we  shall  sun  pitch  in,  and  giv  the  rebels  a  lainmin — for 
line  getten  everlastin  wulfisb  about  the  bed  and  ears — I  remane, 
sevagarusly, 

Tours,  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 

P.  S. — The  cannoudrums  of  our  farseesbus  Chief  Madgistreet 
in  my  nex  epistol. 


No.  XX. 

[It  will  be  seen  by  the  contribution  from  the  White  House  in- 
cluded in  the  following  letter,  that  "  Honest  Old  Abe"  continues 
to  enjoy  a  fine  flow  of  spirits  under  the  heavy  responsibilities 
which  rest  upon  him  as  Chief  Magistrate  and  Commander-iu- 
Chief.  Our  veteran  correspondent  is  evidently  itching  for  a 
fight,  and  there  is  every  probability  that  his  desire  will  be 
speedily  gratified. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  September  20, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

"  Peace  rains  in  Warsir",  as  the  sayin  is.  The  rebils  is  as 
quiet  as  turkle  duvs.  Mebbee  thare  preparin  for  a  grand  coo. 
Its  allus  amazin  still  at  sea  jest  afore  a  white  squall,  and  altho  we 
hevent  got  wind  of  an  intenshin  to  a  sail  us,  we  air  liabul  to  a 
tack  at  enny  moment.  Ennyways  our  troops  wont  be  cort 
asleep  with  thar  beds  pillerd  on  thar  nap  sacks.  Not  kiiowin  wen 
the  war-hoop  may  be  razed,  I  keep  my  weepins  and  acutter- 
ments  layin  besides  me  on  a  cheer  wile  I  rite,  in  case  I  mought 
hev  to  drap  my  steal  pen  and  grab  my  shooten  iruns  in  the  midst 
of  this  epistol. 

Wenever  Ginral  Maclellin  givs  the  wurdAo  go  in,  I  shell  leve 
my  peaceful  retreat  at  Willards  and  jine  his  staff  as  a  decamp — 
my  venabul  ffend,  President  Abe,  who  would  go  to  his  deth  to 
sarve  me,  hevin  procured  me  tfle  birth.  Speekin  of  that  emer- 
nent  statesman,  isent  it  curus  that  sterne  and  swift  as  he  is  in 
his  ofiishal  intercoarse,  be  should  unbend  and  becum  acktilly 
Punchy  in  his  idyll  hours  ?  His  wittyschisms  is  ekwill  to  the 
best  in  the  funny  peeryoddieals,  as  you  will  admit  with  teers  in 
your  eyes,  on  readin  the  follerin  high-preshir  buttonbusters, 


64  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

wich  he  desires  me  to  forrard  with  menny  ardent  eggspreshins  of 
a  steam,  to  the  eddyturs  of  the  SUNDAY  MERKARY.  I  send  you 
the  farseeshy  in  his  own  hand  ritin,  thinken  you  mought  wish  to 
presarve  his  authorgraft  as  a  memento  of  a  honest  man,  when 
our  faithful  Abraham  has  gone  to  his  long  hum : 

CONS.,  &c.,  FROM  THE  CAPITAL. 

BY  A.  L.,  P.   OF  THE  U.  6. 

"Where  will  Jeff  Davis  go  when  he  dies  ?  To  that  burn  from 
which  no  traveler  returns. 

Where  was  Floyd  at  the  last  accounts  ?  On  the  C7icat—by 
Oauley  ! 

How  did  A.  L.  find  his  way  to  the  White  House  ?  He  axed 
it. 

To  what  does  the  Government  owe  its  success  in  money-hunt- 
ing ?  Ardor  in  the  Chase. 

Who  was  the  first  rowdy  ?    Adam — he  raised  Cain. 

The  spell  that  quieted  Baltimore.    Dix's  ipse  Dix-it. 

Present  avocation  of  the  old-fogy  commodores.  Boring 
Welles. 

Why  is  W.  H.  Russell  like  the  Mississippi  River  ?  Because  he 
runs  down  a  great  country. 

What  was  A.  L.'s  style  of  locomotion  in  early  life  ?  He  went 
lumbering  along. 

State  of  the  grain  crop  in  Missouri.  Much  of  it  has  been 
swept  off  by  General  Raines. 

Why  are  Lincoln  and  Hamlin  "  one  and  inseparable  ?"  Be- 
hold the  reason !  AbraHAMLINcoln. 

LINES  AFTER  HORACE. 

Robin  Hood 

Was  an  archer  good, 

He  never  shot  but  his  shaft  drew  blood. 

And  little  John 

Shot  too,  I  swan ! 

And  his  aim  was  bad,  and  the  "  damage"  none. 

When  I  subjested  to  the  grate  Wood-Cutter  of  the  West  the 
idea  of  gettin  off  a  few  of  his  splitters  for  your  collumes,  I  cal- 
kilated  they  would  be  fust  chop,  but  the  abuv  is  chorks  ahed  of 
my  most  sangwinary  suppersishins.  I  wisht  you  would  send  the 
Merkary  containin  the  cannondrums  to  that  solum  old  bird, 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  65 

eggs  -president  Bucannon,  who  I  onderstancl  sets  all  day  broodiu 
over  the  past,  and  wishin  he  hedent  shode  the  white  fether  wen 
he  rooled  the  roost  at  Washington.  You  kin  send  my  comple- 
ments with  the  paper — for  I  used  to  know  the  old  critter  in  his 
better  daze — and  say  I  hope  he  will  chuckle  over  the  joaks  of 
his  distingwished  suckcessor.  I  think  the  tutching  illushin  to 
his  buzzurn  frend  Floyd,  kin  skarsly  fail  to  gratify  him.  Gree- 
ley,  I  pcrsoom,'will  coppy  the  pome  inter  the  Tryboon.  It  would 
hev  saved  him  considabul  ef  it  hed  cum  out  a  week  ago,  bekase 
the  three  last  lines  contains  the  peth  of  all  he  hesent  ben  able  to 
say  in  seven  issoos  of  that  spritely  jernil.  Sum  riters  diffuses 
informashin  and  sum  condenses  it.  When  Greeley  writes  he 
spreds  hisself,  but  the  lively  Abe  ses  his  motto  is  mulct  em  in 
parto,  witch  means,  line  informt,  -as  peeples  payshence  didn't 
oughter  be  taxed  with  long-winded  stories. 

Senst  I  tuck  pen  in  hand  to  indite  this  commoonicashin,  sev- 
ral  rummers  lies  ben  brort  in  from  the  river  abuv.  A  despatch 
from  Darnstown  ses  Johnstun  seams  to  be  threaddin  his  way  up, 
with  an  eye  to  crossing  over  and  hemming  us  in  from  the  out- 
skcarts  of  the  city  on  the  Merryland  sid  >.  Anuther  report  is 
that  Boweryguard  hes  promist  his  shiverally  to  pitch  inter  us 
hot  and  hevvy  afore  the  weaks  out.  Darnstown  is  a  villidge  in 
Munggummery  County,  Merryland,  about  twenty-five  milds  up 
the  Potomac,  whar  they  sell  the  meenest  whiskey  on  God's  airth 
and  drink  too  big  horns  on  it  to  tell  a  strait  story,  so  I  dont  place 
mutch  reliance  in  enny  darned  yarns  from  that  kwarter,  and  as 
to  Boweryguard  he's  too  cunning  a  coon  to  giv  publick  notis  of 
a  file  two  or  three  days  aforehand.  I  reckin  him  and  Jonstun  is 
oney  faintin,  and  doosent  intend  to  make  a  serous  a  salt  on  our 
lines  at  present.  Howsever,  ef  they  want  to  buck  thar  heds  inter 
a  bumblebees  nest,  let  em  cum  on.  Evrything  is  fixt  here  to  giv 
em  a  stinger  as  '11  make  em  hop.  I  was  at  Ginral  Maclellins  hed 
kwarters  and  also  Ginral  Scott's,  latter  eend  of  last  munth,  and 
they  both  asshoord  me  as  Washington  would  be  impregnabul  by 
this  time.  The  Hero  of  Chipaway  told  me  his  motto  was  Sep- 
tember Paratus,  and  as  the  Lattin  Dickshinary  ses  paratus  sig- 
nifize  reddy,  he  mentersay,  in  coarse,  as  all  would  be  reddy  in 
September. 

Blcevin  it  not  onpossabul  that  I  may  hev  a  chanst  to  dror  a 
bead  on  a  traitor  or  two  afore  I  dispatch  my  next  missif,  I  remane, 
with  airnust  luv  for  the  Union,  the  hull  Union  and  npthin  else, 
Yours,  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


WAR     LETTEHS     OF 


No.   XXI. 

[Our  correspondent  is  scarcely  so  vivacious  as  Is  his  wont. 
But  what  liis  letter  may  lack  in  sprightliness,  it  atones  for  by  its 
patriotic  earnestness. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  October  4, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Herkary : 

So  arter  faintin  in  frunt  of  Washington  for  weeks  Bowery- 
guard  has  fallen  back !  Noboddy  onderstands  wot  this  noo  feter 
in  his  tracktricks  means,  but  it  looks  011  the  face  of  it  as  ef  all 
idee  of  attacktin  the  Capital  had  ben  gin  up.  My  privit  spy  is 
now  in  the  rebel  lines,  howsever,  and  as  he  nose  the  ropes,  I  ex- 
peck  to  receve  ackrit  informashin  about  this  fresh  moovement  of 
the  retched  traitor  in  a  day  or  two. 

As  the  tellagraft  fourstalls  all  noose  by  pen,  I  leve  the  latest 
iutelligense  to  the  litenin ;  but  I  ken  take  you  behint  the  seens 
and  let  you  inter  the  confidense  of  the  rooler  we  all  look  too  to 
keep  things  strait.  Yesterday  the  Chefe  Madgisirit  cent  for  me 
to  the  White  House,  and  I  hed  a  conversashin  with  him  of  hafe 
an  hour,  of  witch  I  made  rninits  for  the  SUNDAY  MERKARY.  I 
give  the  dialog  percisely  as  I  logged  it  down. 

"D.  V.,  my  good  frend,"  ses  he,  straitenen  hisself  up  arter 
stoopen  to  shake  hands  with  me,  '•  wot  is  your  opinyun  of  the 
asspeck  of  affairs  ?" 

"  That,"  I  remarkt,  "  is  rayther  a  ginral  questin." 

"  Yes,"  ses  he,  "  it's  a  ginral  questin,  but  you  onderstand  the 
kernil  of  it ;  I  want  your  vews  on  the  war  as  it  stands." 

"  Wai  then,  to  speke  onest,"  I  replide,  "  I  think  it  stands  too 
long.  The  people  want  it  pusht  along  to  a  conclushin.  We  air 
spendin  sum  two  millyuns  a  day,  or  tharabouts,  and  my  centi- 
ments  is,  thars  thunderin  little  to  sho  for  it.' 

"  My  frend,"  says  the  venabul  chefe,  pullin  a  gray  hare  out  of 
wun  of  his  little  bushes  of  whisker,  "  the  '  games  afoot,'  as  the 
poick  ses,  but  the  time  to  '  cry  havoc  and  let  loose  the  dogs  of 
war'  hesent  cum  yet.  We  must  wait." 

"Very  good,"  I  responded,  "but  why  warnt  the  Fort  Hotter- 
ass  victry  follered  up  ?  We  was  told  as  two  more  eggspedish- 
ings  was  to  start  immedieiitly  to  shell  sum  uther  pints  on  the 
Suthern  cost.  Whar  ah-  they  ?  Thars  allus  vessels  of  war  a 
layin  off  at  Fortress  Munro  and  other  places  whar  they  aint  no 
more  use  then  they  would  be  high  and  dry  on  Gorgetowu  Eights, 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  67 

\vliy  air  they  not  cent  sumwhars  else  to  pufform  a  second  edishin 
of  the  buinbardment  of  Fort  Hotterass  ?" 

"  Welles  isent  reddy,"  ses  he,  "  besides  thats  not  the  program- 
my.  A  grand  bio  is  to  be  struck  sirnontaneously  by  sea  and 
land.  By  the  way,  wot  do  you  think  of  Welles  ?" 

"  Rayther  a  delicut  kwestin,  Mr.  Lincoln,"  I  anserd,  "  but,  how- 
sever,  the  Disbanded  isent  afeard  to  meet  it.  His  auntycedents 
as  far  as  morrils  is  kousarned  is  tip-top.  He  never  cuzzined  no- 
boddy,  allus  paid  his  clets,  sed  his  prairs  nights  and  mornins,  and 
tuck  his  meals  reglar.  But  as  to  his  talons  for  a  crysis  as  thret- 
tens  to  rend  the  nashin  in  twane,  I  konsider  'em  nix". 

"  You're  mistaken,"  ses  my  venabnl  frend.  "  Welles  is  a  man 
of  amense  intelleck.  I  heel  my  doubts  about  it  at  fust,  but  line 
satisfide  now  that  oney  give  him  time,  and  he'll  astonish  the 
kentry.  Then  thars  Cainerun,  wot  do  you  think  of  Simon  ?" 

"  Wall,"  ses  I,  "  I  wunst  seen  a  play  in  witch  thar  was  two 
carrickters  they  called  Simon  Pures,  and  wun  was  a  decent  man, 
and  tuther  seldom  wanted  for  ennything  that  warnt  out  of  his 
reach.  Witch  of  the  critters  the  Democratic-Consarvative- 
Republican  Seckatary  of  War  most  resembles,  I  leve  you  to  clis- 
kiver.  I  know,  howsever,  that  his  frends  in  Pennsylvany  is 
willin  to  bet  on  his  goin  out  of  offls  with  a  millyun  of  dollars  in 
his  pockit.  But  he's  got  sum  energy,  ennyways,  and  ef  he  oney 
fights  the  good  fight  like  a  trump,  who  keers  for  trifels  ?" 

"  D.  V.,"  cggsclamed  the  Venabul  Abe,  kwite  sharply,  "  you're 
remarks  is  liebellious.  In  the  hole  world  thars  no  trooer  men 
than  my  offishal  advisers — troo  as  steel,  sir,  and  as  sharp.'' 

"  If  thats  the  case,"  ses  I,  for  I  sor  he  was  gettin  riled,  and  I 
dident  want  to  anger  the  old  man,  "  they're  in  thar  rite  place  in 
the  Cabbynet.  Setch  men  in  these  dejennerate  days  is  cabbynet 
curosities." 

Here  thar  was  a  paws  in  the  conversashin,  and  I  got  up  to 
shake  hands  and  leve.  The  onest  and  faithful  patryit  gin  me  a 
backwoods  grip,  with  teers  in  his  eyes,  and  ses  he  : 

"  Disbanded,  my  hart's  bound  up  in  this  Union,  and  if  wun 
kullapses  tuther  will  too.  Accordin  to  the  lite  I  hev,  I  wurk  on- 
sleepiugly  to  pervent  setch  a  braking  up.  Ef  I  kant  keep  the 
masheen  runiiin  as  I  found  it,  I  hop  to  be  berried  onder  the  reck 
with  the  old  flag  in  my  hand,  singin  out  E pluvious  unum  to  the 
last." 

"My  nobul  frend,"  I  replide,  "the  masheen's  in  no  danger. 
The  Union,  I  trust,  will  never  be  in  setch  a  pickle  that  it  kant 
be  preserved.  As  to  this  rebellyun,  itul  be  put  clown  as  sartain  as 


08  WAKLETTEBSOF 

the  airly  sunshine  '11  cum  in  at  the  East  Room  winder  to-morrer 
mornin.  Ef  wun  Cabbynet  fales  we  must  try  another  ;  if  wnn 
army  gits  tuckert  oat  we  must  raze  anuther.  BUT  TUB  THING 
MUST  BE  DONE.  Outer  thirty  millyuns  of  people,  twenty-five 
to-day  is  in  favor  of  the  Union — and  its  got  to  be  opheld  and 
perpetyated  jest  as  shure  as  the  livin  sun  hes  got  to  roll  onnard 
in  his  corse  givin  the  world  life  and  light" 

And  with  this,  skweedgin  the  illustrus  rail-splitter'a  hand 
wunst  agen,  I  took  leve.  And  now,  beggin  pardin  for  being 
onushilly  serus  and  matterafact  in  this  epistol,  I  take  my  leve  of 
you,  ontil  we  meet  agen  nex  week  throo  the  post  ofiis,  remainin, 
as  ushil,  Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XXII. 

[The  old  veteran  gives  this  week  an  amusing  account  of  the 
poverty-stricken  condition  of  the  chivalry.  Their  appearance, 
it  would  seem,  is  a  perfect  burlesque  on  "  the  pomp  and  circum- 
stance of  war."  It  must  be  remembered,  however,  that  the 
fighting  qualities  of  an  army  do  not  depend  upon  the  state  of  its 
regimentals,  or  even  upon  the  excellence  of  its  commissariat. 
Ragged,  hungry  men  often  fight  desperately. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  October  11, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

My  confidenshil  spy,  a  reglar  Metamory  of  a  feller,  perfeckly 
vorashus  and  never  known  to  eat  his  own  words,  returnt  last  night 
from  a  long  reckonnonsense.  He  was  kwite  onsuspected  and 
obtaued  no  eend  of  noose.  He  peers  to  hev  maid  mennyran- 
doms  of  every  essensual  pint  as  cum  within  the  pail  of  his 
observashin.  He  ses  the  condishin  of  the  enemees  clothin  is 
redickalus ;  it  takes  the  rag  off  the  bush  of  ennything  he  ever 
seen  in  the  way  of  peacemeal  wardrubs.  The  suppleturn  offsirs 
was  in  strips  and  onwillin  to  wheel  round  on  parade  for  fear  of 
exposin  the  rips  in  thar  uniforms.  As  to  the  common  sojers, 
sum  of  em  hed  muttonied  and  refused  to  train,  being  ashamed  to 
face  the  mewsick  on  ackount  of  thar  newditty.  Setch  ridgy- 
mendals  never,  he  ses,  was  seen  on  humans;  the  skarecrows 
spring  styles  in  a  Connecticut  cornfield  bein  full  dress  in  capari- 
son. At  Darnstown  he  sor  sum  of  the  troops  at  wurk  with 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB.  09 

needles  and  thred  sowin  wun  anutlier  tares,  but  it  warnt  a  grain 
of  use,  they  bust  out  immediently.  Thar  foot  gear  Avas  ekwilly 
delopidated.  Hevin  a  taste  for  staytistricks  he  counted  nineteen 
thousand  big  toes  peeping  like  terrorpins  heds  throo  the 
shells  of  milentary  boots  and  shoos  at  the  Gap,  and  about 
the  same  number  at  the  Junkshin.  In  fact,  the  hull  rebel  army 
on  the  Potomac  is  on  a  mity  bad  footin,  and  all  efforts  to  remedy 
the  evil  air  likely  to  proove  bootless.  The  oney  critters  among 
em  as  makes  a  decent  sho  is  the  field  offsirs — all  the  rest,  includin 
even  thar  crack  riflemen,  bein  as  ragged  as  city  poppers. 

I  larn  also  from  the  same  sorce  that  the  rebel  army  is  gettin 
all-thunderin  wurmy  about  thar  grub.  The  hog  and  homany 
hes  purty  mutch  gin  out  in  Ann  Arundel  and  Mungummery,  and 
weevly  bisket  and  red-eye  is  a  kinder  bevridges  as  isent  calkill- 
ated  to  harden  the  sinners  for  the  tug  of  war.  Boweryguard 
and  Johnstun  will  sun  hev  to  relingkwish  thar  foothold  in  that 
kwarter,  but  when  thar  necks  movement  will  cum  off  is  not  yet 
determined.  Ef  they  dont  take  the  back  trail  south  afore  the 
first  of  November,  an  appeal  will  be  made  to  thar  feelins  with 
balls  and  bagncts,  that  will  be  puffectly  onresistabul. 

Thars  nuthin  new  in  the  way  of  gossip  in  these  diggins.  The 
"  relicabul  gentmen "  as  mannyfactors  orthentic  unpossibilitees 
for  the  press,  peers  to  hev  took  a  recess  to  rest  thar  imadjina- 
shuns.  Human  mendassity  hes  its  limicks,  and  fibbing  will 
pairalies  the  fancy  in  the  eend,  ef  stuck  too  aciduously  for  an 
ondefinit  lenth  of  time.  The  bar-rum  circkles,  howsever,  is  in 
full  blast,  and  continally  proffersighing  tearabul  events  over  thar 
smashes.  The  catastrofy  never  curns,  but  still  they  pussyveer  in 
thar  predickshins.  Ses  wun  of  three  blatherskates  the  uther 
day  at  Willards : 

"  My  frends,"  ses  he,  "  I  hev  shure  entelligents  as  Bowery- 
gard,  Johnstun  and  Lee  is  a  goin  to  attact  us.  "Washington 
stands  on  a  volcano !" 

"Duz  it,  me  boy?"  ses  an  offsir  of  the  Meager  ridgement, 
porin  out  a  glass  of  whiskey,  "  well,  ef  the  Capital  stands  on  a 
volcano,  here  goes  for  a  swig  at  the  crater !" 

I  larnt  from  the  President,  yestday,  that  plans  for  no  less 
than  three  sekrit  eggspedishings  is  now  on  the  tappee  in  the  war 
and  navy  departments,  and  I  shouldent  be  astonished  ef  we 
heerd  of  orful  dooins  coastwise  atween  this  and  All  Fools  day. 
The  hed  of  the  nashin  is  of  opinyon  that  the  seeseshers  will  be 
nockt  cold  afore  the  summer,  and  evrything,  to  use  his  own 
frays,  restored  to  the  statue  co  anti  bedlam,  witch  meens  I  spose 


70  WARLETTEBSOF 

as  the  Suthern  loonyticks  as  hes  divorced  tharselves  from  the 
Union  will  be  brort  to  thar  marrybones  and  wunst  more  beg  for 
an  asylum  onder  the  old  flag. 

The  votes  of  the  Pennsylvany  troops  for  the  State  eleckshiu 
was  took  on  Wensday,  but  in  the  absents  of  pollytishens  and 
rum  thar  warnt  no  paytryotic  enthuzzyusm.  The  sojers  went 
to  the  poles  with  freezin  indifFerents,  the  bands  playin  Hail 
Columby  as  they  marched  to  the  ballad  boxes,  and  the  hull 
affair  passed  off  as  harmonius  as  the  mewsick  of  the  spears. 
The  cattridge  box  is  just  now  konsidered  the  pallajum  of  our 
libties,  and  until  the  sword  is  sheethed,  noboddy  is  likely  to  keer 
mutch  about  the  rite  of  sufferedge. 

The  revew  of  light  hoss  and  hevvy  artellery  on  the  broad 
plato  of  Capitol  Hill,  day  before  yestday,  was  a  grand  speck- 
tickle.  My  tall  and  venabul  frend,  the  President,  druv  me  to 
the  ground  with  Mrs.  Lincoln  and  yung  Seward,  in  his  new 
bayrush,  and  as  he  stud  in  his  carridge  he  was  in  coarse  the  sine- 
cure of  all  eyes.  The  inanovering  was  ekwill  to  ennything  I 
ever  seen  the  Crymeah.  Nine  battrees  was  posted  on  each  wing 
of  the  battalion  of  dragons,  and  as  the  skripter  ses  "the  thunder 
of  the  captins  and  the  shoutin"  was  puffeckly  stunnin.  Ginral 
Maclellin  was  delited,  and  Mrs.  Lincoln  aloud  the  site  of  so 
menny  shinin  blades  made  her  feel  like  Joe  Ann  of  Ark  or  the 
Maid  of  Sarah  Gosser,  witch  I  was  arterwards  entbrmt  was  the 
votrees  of  Bellowner  as  flurished  several  sentries  back.  Finaly 
the  entire  force  formed  in  collume  and  saluted  the  President, 
arter  witch  the  artellery  and  cavalry  was  divided  inter  two 
divishins  and  each  hafe  was  dismissed  seperitly  to  its  kwarters. 
Ef  the  men  behave  as  well  on  the  battle  plane  as  they  did  in  the 
old  fields  back  of  the  Capitol  on  Wensday,  the  shiverally  will 
be  sartain  to  sho  em  the  backs  of  thar  shakos  at  the  first  charge. 

The  case  of  Freemount  still  hangs  by  the  ilids.  Sum  ses  hees 
bound  to  be  cashsheared  for  misusin  the  publick  money  confisti- 
cating  niggers  and  uther  mistymeaners ;  but  I  reckin  ef  hees  fort- 
nit  enuff  to  flax  out  Price  evrything  will  be  overlucked. 

Thars  still  two  or  three  female  trailers  here  confined  in  thar 
own  housen  onder  the  sirvillians  of  the  peleese ;  but  thars  mor'n  a 
duzzen  of  em  at  libty,  and  its  my  beleef  as  evry  skeem  of  the 
guverment  is  known  at  Richmound  afore  it  leeks  out  in  New 
York.  At  present,  howsever,  the  cabbynet  hevent  enny  irnport- 
ent  projeck  afoot  for  walkin  inter  the  rebils.  As  sun  as  they  hev 
you  will  as  ushil  git  a  hint  on  the  subjeck,  from 

Yours  allus,  A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


A.    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB.  71 

NO.   XXHI. 

[Perhaps — who  knows  ?— the  next  letter  of  our  military  cor- 
respondent may  be  dated  from  the  battle-field.  It  is  beyond  a 
doubt  that  Beauregard  and  Johnston  must  either  fight  or  fly 
forthwith.  General  McClellan's  advance  means  mischief.  He 
is  now  in  effect  offering  battle  to  the  rebels,  and  if  they  don't 
take  the  initiative  within  ten  days,  he  will.  We  are  on  the  eve 
of  a  great  combat,  and  the  Disbanded  understands  this  perfectly, 
although  he  writes  as  humorously  as  ever. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  October  18, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  ihe  Sunday  Merkary  : 

The  way  the  shiverally  is  pitchin  inter  wun  anuther  beats 
cock-fitin.  Floyd  and  Wise  hes  ben  for  sum  time  past  about  as 
frendly  as  Killkenny  cats,  and  each  hes  endevored  to  make  his 
own  tail  good  in  the  rebel  noosepapers,  witch  hes  given  both  par- 
ties rats  for  not  cummin  to  the  scratch  with  Ginral  Rosecranch. 
Wise  hes  ben  took  sick  in  konsekens  of  overheatin  hisself  on  the 
retreat,  and  while  he  is  lying  on  his  back  at  Richmound,  sum  of 
the  jernils  of  that  city  interniates  that  he  is  oncapabul  of  speekin 
the  truth.  The  oney  chanst  for  him  to  eskape  court-marshaling 
in  this  wurld  is  to  leave  suddently  for  whur  he  belongs  in  the 
next.  As  to  Floyd,  the  gun-grabber  and  Mussassippy  stock 
stealer,  his  offsirs  hes  siued  a  round  robbing  charging  him  with 
all  sorter  mistyineaners,  and  sent  it  to  the  llicmnound  Inkwirer. 
The  benine  eddytur  of  that  seven  be  nine  sheet  publishes  the 
charge,  and  insinawaits  as  the  distingwished  arsenall  theef  ken 
hev  the  names  of  his  accusers,  ef  he'll  promis  to  fite  em  in  routa- 
shin,  wun  arter  anuther,  witch  bein  in  feeble  helth  and  rather 
narvus,  he  respeckfully  deklines.  He  allows  his  life  is  pledged 
to  his  kentry,  and  I  persoom  the  pledge  will  be  forfitted  when- 
ever his  kentry  ken  ketch  him.  Eenamost  all  the  Suthern  jernils 
blames  the  cummanders  on  the  Potomac  for  not  goin  in,  and  in 
fack  thar  seems  to  be  a  kinder  plug  muss  ainung  all  the  engineers 
of  the  secesh  masheen. 

Them  extree  vishus  traitors,  the  sequesttraitors,  is  doing  a  big 
bizness  in  the  burgler  and  land  pirit  line.  Honabul  August 
Bellmount  I  spose  is  in  a  juce  of  a  way  about  his  terbacker.  In 
coarse  he'll  never  get  a  quid  pro  quo  for  the  first  chaw  of  it. 
Poor  August !  they  put  him  throo  the  latter  eend  of  September, 
and  considabul  of  the  sequestered  weed  hes  alreddy  ben  foddered 


73  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

out  to  the  rebel  troops  and  convarted  inter  old  sojers.  Howsever, 
five  hundred  hogs  heads  belonged  to  Wrathschild,  an  eminent 
findandshear  of  the  Hebrew  gender.  Won't  he  blastfeam  and 
tare  his  garments  and  sit  in  sackcloth  and  ashes,  when  he  heers 
how  the  rebels  hev  walked  inter  his  nigger-head  and  pig-tail ! 

But  thats  not  the  wust.  Theyve  even  confisticated  the  hum 
of  Jefferson,  and  I  predicate  ef  they  could  git  Mount  Vernon 
they'd  put  it  inter  a  lottery  and  raffle  off  the  bones  of  "Washing- 
ton at  so  mutch  a  chanst.  I  wunder  doos  these  God-forsaken 
critters  eggspect  to  go  to  Pairodice  when  they  step  out.  Ef  they 
do  its  my  opinyun  they'll  find  tharselves  all-fired  mistaken. 
Thars  a  place  all  reddy  fenst  off  for  em  by  the  Prince  of  Dark- 
ness in  the  midst  of  his  enfarnal  regents,  and  I  persoom  they'll 
be  briled  on  the  same  gidiron  with  Benny  Dick  Arnold  and 
Judases  Carrot.  The  way  they'll  be  hauld  over  the  coals  '11  be 
a  caushin  to  Sally  Manders. 

I  called  at  the  White  House  last  evenin  and  hed  a  plesent 
palavir  and  sum  supper  with  the  tall  and  talented  tenant  of  that 
traydishanall  tenement.  I  never  seen  him  more  waggish  and 
joclar,  and  youre  awar  that  wen  he's  in  the  vain,  he  ken  git  off 
wot  the  French  calls  Jew  de  Hose  ekwil  to  enny  live  Christian. 
Fust  we  torked  over  the  Chickenmacomico  affare,  and  we  both 
crowed  over  it  considabul.  He  remarkt  that  the  insargents  thort 
they  hed  it  all  thar  own  way  at  the  outset,  but  when  the  Mounts- 
hellar  made  her  onset,  and  began  to  lay  em  with  ten  inch  shells 
they  conclewdid  the  eggspidishing  was  a  bad  egg.  Arter 
praising  the  galliant  commander  of  the  craft  up  to  the  nines, 
he  asked  wot  I  thort  the  Navy  was  most  in  need  of  jest  now. 

"More  gunboats,  Abram,"  ses  I. 

"  No  my  vetren  frend,"  ses  he,  "  more  BRAINES." 

I  think  that  was  about  as  handsom  a  dublin  tender  as  ever 
was  got  off.  I  oney  wish  the  grave  and  solem  Giddyun  could 
hev  heerd  it.  As  compliments  when  ellegently  paid,  is  not 
despised  by  men  of  lofty  stashen,  I  told  the  illustrus  railer  that 
it  was  "  fust  chop — in  fack,  a  reglar  splitter." 

Then  we  canvassed  the  intents  of  the  Nuthern  Peace  party, 
ancl  agen  I  seen  humor  in  his  eye.  Purty  sun  he  let  drive. 

"  Disbanded,"  ses  he,  "  why  is  inakin  beds  like  hysting  Peace 
flags  ?" 

I  codgertated  for  a  minnit,  and  then  told  him  I  sposed  it  was 
bekase  both  was  ginally  done  by  hirelings. 

"  No,  my  lad  o'  whacks,"  he  replide,  "  its  bekase  its  a  white 
fether  movement." 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  78 

I  sniggered,  and  seein  I  hed  caught  his  ineanin  he  also  indulged 
in  slight  catchinashin. 

Presently  we  commenst  speakin  about  Freemount  and  Missoori, 
wen  his  visedge  agen  suddently  lighted  up  and  he  perpounded 
the  follering : 

"  Wots  the  cheapest  way  to  put  down  the  rebels  in  Missoori  ?" 

"  Freemount's  plan."  ses  I — "  sequester  all  thar  darkeys." 

"  No,"  he  replide  "  that's  agen  the  Constitooshin,  witch  is  the 
funnymental  lor  of  the  land.  The  cheapest  way  to  redooce  the 
rebels  in  Missoori  is  to  cut  down  thar  Price  immediently." 

I  considered  the  joak  rayther  far  fetched,  but  chuckled  over  it 
to  obleege  the  puppytraitor. 

Our  necks  theme  was  affares  at  the  sete  of  guverment.  Mr. 
Lincoln  asshured  me  as  a  grate  battle  was  very  eminent.  He 
ses  the  rebels  must  either  fite  or  foot  it  within  a  week.  Mebbe 
the  darned  theves  will  steal  off  arter  all  though.  But  the  Presi- 
dent thinks  not.  He  bleves  theyll  cum  up  to  the  scratch,  and 
that  Maclellaii'll  nail  em.  Upon  the  hull,  thats  my  opinyun  too. 
A  ginral  action  may  commence  at  enny  hour,  and  when  it  doos 
begin  itul  be  setch  a  game  at  cut  throte  as  never  was  played  in 
this  hemaspear.  I  shall  be  thar  when  the  collusion  cuins — you 
ken  gamble  on  that. 

Awaitin  impayshently  the  signal  to  sail  in,  I  remane  eggsight- 
edly  Yours,  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.    XXIV. 

[The  old  veteran  handles  without  gloves  the  originators  of  the 
late  disastrous  expedition  across  the  Potomac.  It  is,  however, 
impossible  to  be  too  severe  on  the  moonstruck  madness  which 
seems  to  have  planned  and  guided  that  disgraceful  affair.  The 
blood  of  the  brave  who  fell  at  Edward's  Ferry  cries  from  the 
ground,  and  the  North  demands  to  know  against  whom  it  cries. — 

EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  October  24, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

The  long  aggeruy  of  the  Summer  and  Fall  campain  drors  fast 

to  a  bluddy  ishoo.    Maclellin  hes  made  up  his  mind  to  mount 

the  rebels  in  airnest,  and  the  grand  climbacts  is  closte  at  hand, 

The  army  is  in  the  hyest  spirts,  and  on  fiie  to  meet  the  Suthern 

4 


74  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

incinderaries.  The  volunteers  sware  they  wont  go  inter  winter 
kwarters  ontil  Bull  Run  is  tearabully  avenged.  Our  advance  thret- 
tins  the  rebil  lines  at  Centreveal,  and  fearful  butcherwork  will, 
sun  take  place,  onless  the  insurgent  force  shambles  off  towards 
Richmound. 

Its  purty  clar  by  the  bulletins  from  Leesburg  as  all  the  milen- 
tary  fools  isent  dead  yet  by  a  long  shot.  The  objeck  was  gained, 
its  troo,  but  it  was  a  much  more  slorterous  affare  than  it  oughter 
ben.  The  idee  of  throwin  oney  seventeen  hunderd  men  acrost 
the  river  to  attact  ten  thousand,  all  ambushed  in  the  woods  with 
thar  rifels  cockt  and  thar  fingers  on  the  triggers  !  It  was  the  act 
of  moonymaniacs.  And  then  to  think  of  the  offsirs  takin  par- 
tickler  pains  to  march  thar  men  rite  inter  the  middle  of  a  six 
aclier  lot,  sirounded  on  three  sides  with  hevvy  timber  swarmin 
with  possum-playin  seceshers,  and  a  mild  of  rushin  water  in  the 
rare.  Why  a  blind  rat  wouldnt  hev  ben  cort  in  sech  a  trap. 
Our  brave  fellers  performt  progenies  of  valor,  but  bein  cum- 
pleatly  hemmed  in,  they  got,  in  coarse,  an  allmity  belting.  I 
spose  its  no  use  cryin  over  spilt  milk,  but  warnt  the  arrange- 
ments maid  to  afford  em  sucker  a  caushin  to  loonyticks  ?  A 
flowtiller  consistin  of  two  leeky  mud  skows  and  a  crasy  canawl 
boat,  with  fifty  men  apeace,  was  sent  to  the  resky,  but  they  cum 
ueer  sinkin,  and  its  a  merickle  the  hull  on  em  warnt  plugged 
afore  assistants  reached  em.  At  lenth  arter  a  nobul  stand  up  fite 
of  an  hour  or  more  our  galliant  boys  heel  to  back  down.  They 
broke  for  the  river,  and  bein  pursood  by  an  overwelming  force, 
inlosticated  with  victry,  menny  was  druv  inter  the  drink. 
Doorin  the  skrinimedge  more'n  two  liuuderd  of  our  men  was 
hit,  and  a  still  larger  number  was  missed  when  the  rolls  was 
called  at  brekfest-time  necks  mornin.  Howsever  the  loss  was 
not  all  on  the  Union  side ;  the  Mussysippians  cort  it  hot  and  hev- 
vy,- and  numbers  of  the  South  Carolinians  fell  to  rice  no  more. 
Finerly  Banks  with  five  thousand  men  and  plenty  of  cannon 
crost  the  Rubygun  and  the  pint  was  gained.  To-day  it  is  said  as 
him  and  Kernil  Stun  is  offerin  battle  to  Ginral  Gustarvus  Smith, 
formally  Ginral  Scavenger  of  New  York.  I  hop  ef  he  venters 
on  a  brush  he  11  run  agin  that  trcmenjus  sweepin  masheen  called 
the  besom  of  destruckshin.  Its  not  onprobabul  as  the  brooming 
may  cum  off  afore  this  letter  reaches  its  dustynashin. 

Its  onpossabul  matters  ken  remain  as  they  air.  Large  kwanti- 
ties  of  provisions  for  our  army  is  now  in  the  mouth  of  the  Poto- 
mac, and  it  must  be  opened  and  the  food  brort  up.  That  river 
is  the  alimentary  canawl  of  the  capital,  and  it  wont  anser  to  hev 


A    DISBAND  ED     VOLUNTEER.  75 

it  stopped.  Oney  two  transports  lies  wurried  throo  this  week, 
and  they  hed  thar  gaffs  shot  away  at  Cockpit  pint,  but  the  cap- 
tins  bein  game  birds  sliode  a  clean  pair  of  heels,  and  cum  crowin 
up  to  Washington.  They  left  thirty  vessels  below  Mathiasses, 
frighted  with  supplies,  bosses,  arms,  and  cetery,  and  afeared  to 
attemp  the  passidge.  Sum  fokes  sposes  as  the  rebel  canons  is 
not  ekwil  to  ours,  but  I  no  the  tears  of  guns  on  thar  Potomac 
wurks  is  the  best  modern  weepins,  and  line  informt  as  the  Pig 
Pint  Battery  bristles  with  rifle-boars  "  like  quills  upon  fretful 
porkyoupine,"  as  Hamlet  ses  in  the  play. 

FRIDAY,  October  26,  1SG1. 

This  mornin  I  hev  to  take  back  part  of  the  foregoin.  The 
fack  is  that  lyin  reports  cums  in  so  everlastin  thick,  that  ef  a 
feller  commits  any  noose  to  paper  he's  allus  in  dannger  of  com- 
mittin  hisself.  A  curryspondeut  as  gesses  at  wot's  goin  on  up 
the  river,  is  more  lieable  to  tell  the  truth  than  ef  he  depended  on 
the  current  informashin  from  that  kwarter.  Slipshod  letter  liters 
as  puts  down  wotever  cums  to  hand,  ushilly  diskivers  afore  the 
ink  is  diy  that  they've  put  thar  foot  in  it.  To-day  we  larn  that 
Banks  and  Stun,  who  was  sed  to  be  hungry  for  a  file  with  the 
grate  Gustarvus,  and  eggspickted  to  make  a  clean  sweep  of 
that  black  traitor  and  his  rnurrnurdums,  lies  fled  back  to  Merry- 
land  with  a  flee  in  thar  ear.  So  six  or  seven  hunderd  of  our 
best  sogers  hes  ben  killed,  wounded,  drownded  and  took  prisners 
in  a  reckonnonsense  witch  reflecks  nuthen  but  disgrace  on  the 
heds  as  planned  it. 

It  was  kwite  nateral  that  setch  an  eggspedishing  should  land 
in  the  neybrood  of  Goose  Creek !  The  brave  and  nobul-harted 
Ginral  Baker  beiu  dead,  and  onabul  to  repel  the  charge,  in  coarse 
the  blame  is  ,laid  onto  him ;  but  who  ordered  him  across  the 
river  ?  It  was  a  reglar  foe  paw,  as  the  French  say,  all  round. 

It  seams  the  rebil  ackount  of  the  navel  engagement  at  Baylizo 
was  an  onmitigatud  ontruth.  The  causalties  on  our  side  sums 
up  as  follers : 

Killed — nix. 

Wownded — ni  x. 

Vessels  sunk — nix. 

And  when  the  secosh  -cumadore  slips  his  wind,  and  drifts  inter 
Tofit  (whar  he  belongs),  nix  cum  arouse  will  be  the  word,  and 
eveiy  member  of  Bellsabub's  family  will  hev  a  shy  at  him. 

Hopen  sun  to  send  yon.  intelligents  of  a  hevvy  blow  on  the 
Potomac,  I  remain,  as  on  prevus  ockashins, 

Yours  allus,  A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


76  "WAR    LETTERS     OF 

No.  XXV. 

[It  will  be  seen  "by  the  following  queer  epistle  that  our  eccen- 
tric friend  has  been  visited  by  a  remarkable  and,  in  fact,  eminently 
diabolical  dream.  He  would  seem  to  have  been  in  the  state  of 
trance  described  by  Sir  Bulwer  Lytton  in  his  "  Strange  Story"  ; 
at  least  so  we  infer  from  the  extraordinary  manner  in  which 
what  he  seemed  to  hear  in  his  vision  was  afterward  repeated  in 
print. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  November  1, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merlcary : 

In  common  with  the  ginral  publick,  you  air  in  coarse  awar 
that  Saint  John,  a  profit  of  the  Christian  perswashin  as  reported 
fur  the  angils  sum  sentries  ago,  ses  in  his  Revelashins  as  he  seen 
Lucyfur,  the  Father  of  Lize,  put  in  iruns  for  a  thousand  years, 
with  a  distink  onderstandin  that  at  the  eend  of  that  time  he  was 
to  be  "  loosed  for  a  little  seesin,"  and  hev  full  swing  at  "  deceeving 
the  nashins."  Now  Ime  not  supperdishus,  but  last  Saturday 
night,  as  1  laid  perfoundly  slumberin  on  the  sofy  arter  my  ushil 
repast  of  fride  iceters  and  Borebung  whisky,  I  had  a  very  sup- 
perisin  dreem.  Methort  the  old  critter's  term  was  up  and  he  was 
out  on  firlo,  disguysed  as  a  relieabul  gentleman,  and  was  issooing 
instruckshins  to  the  curryspon  dents  of  the  dalie  press.  Wotever 
he  sed  rite  they  rit,  jest  as  reddily  as  Saint  John  rit  the  deskrip- 
shins  of  the  lowcusses  with  the  stings  in  thar  tales  witch  was  to 
torment  the  airth  under  the  direckshins  of  Abadun.  (See  Rev- 
elashins, Chapter  Nine.) 

Methort  the  evil  sperrit,  with  a  sinstir  smild  on  his  bloo  lips 
and  a  nialishus  skwint  in  his  wether  eye,  tutched  the  Herald's 
"  Speshil "  on  the  sholder  and  told  him  to  indite  a  full  ackount  of 
the  sailin  of  the  grate  Union  Amiady  from  Hamton  Eoads.  Ses 
Bellsabub  to  the  Speshil :  "  The  informashin,  my  frend,  will  be 
three  or  four  days  in  advance  of  the  trooth — but  the  Herald  is  my 
favorite  sheet,  and  Ime  bound  by  a  solem  oath  registered  (here 
lie  skwinted  downards)  in  a  place  onmenshinabul  to  ears  perlite, 
to  keep  it  in  advance  of  everything.  The  curryspondent  winked 
a  cent  to  the  order,  and  at  wunst  began  to  skribble  like  a  rnoney- 
raaniac.  Irnmediently  arterwards  I  notist  old  Meffystufiferlies  in 
conversashin  with  the  Eggspresses  "  speshil,"  tellin  him  to  notify 
his  prenciples  to  hum,  that  Ginral  Scott,  notwithstandin  his 
fizical  infirmatiz,  was  in  boystirus  helth  and  sperrits,  harty  in  fack 
as  Hale  Columby ;  also  that  he  wurked  fourteen  hours  a  day 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  77 

and  was  a  killin  off  all  his  clerks  and  amenuensenses  to  the 
chime  of  "  Old  Virginny  never  tire."  The  curryspondent  lucked 
kinder  doutful,  but  the  Tempter  sed  with  a  grin,  "  It's  all  right 
niy  boy,  the  publick  nose  the  Eggsprcss  and  depreshiates  it  accor- 
dinly."  The  speshil  ackwiest,  and  made  his  manyrandoms  as 
rekwested.  The  old  sarpint  then  meandered  off  to  whar  the 
Triboori's  "  Good  Orthority  "  was  sittin  onder  the  shadder  of  a 
flapjack  hat,  strokin  his  coal-black  baird  as  if  he  was  tryin  to 
cokes  an  idee  outer  out. 

"  Why  so  pensiv  beluvid,"  whisperd  the  Old  'un. 

"I  want  a  subjeck  for  my  necks  dispatch,"  replide  Good 
Orthority. 

"  "Well,"  ses  the  other,  takin  out  his  snuff  box  and  treatin  his- 
self  to  a  pinch  of  sulfur,  "the  Triboon  hes  helped  me  to  a 
numerus  number  of  subjecks,  and  as  wun  good  turn  desarvcs 
anuther,  the  resiprossity  shant  be  like  the  handel  of  a  jug,  all  on 
wun  side.  Tellagraft  on  that  the  Seckatry  of  the  grate  Navel 
Flowtiller  hes  jest  eskaped  to  the  enemee  with  all  the  sealed 
orders,  maps,  charts,  plans,  and  cetery,  of  the  eggspedishing,  in 
his  left  boot,  and  that  consckently  the  enterprize  is  broke  up  in 
toe-toe." 

"  Consider  it,  dun,"  ses  Good  Orthority,  "  for  by  Considerant 
lie  do  it!"  (All  the  Triboon  fellers  sware  by  Considerant— jest 
as  the  Turks  do  so  by  Mayhumit.) 

"  Do  so,"  remarkt  the  Fo  of  Man,  turnin  on  his  heel,  "  and  ef 
you  was  to  state  that  when  last  seen,  the  fudgetive  traitor  was 
swimming  cherfully  and  inity  fast  up  the  Cheespeak  with  a 
ship's  biskit  in  wun  hand  and  a  bottle  of  Mungoheeler  whisky 
in  the  uther,  and  wavin  his  hat  in  triump  as  he  paddled  along,  it 
would  rnebbe  add  to  the  poplar  eggsightment." 

The  vishin  then  peered  to  change  to  the  tellagraft  offiz  here, 
and  I  seen  the  old  cuss  settin  in  the  operator's  cheer,  srounded 
with  firy  flams,  and  wurkin  the  wires  regardless  of  eggspence  for 
the  bennyfit  of  the  masses.  Methort  at  this  moment  the  hull 
consarn  bust  into  flinders  with  an  orful  crash,  and  jumpin  on 
eend  to  find  out  wot  was  the  matter,  I  heerd  Willard's  all-defnin 
gong  a  goin  like  a  yung  airthquake  for  airly  breakfist. 

Now  as  I  menshint  afore,  Ime  not  a  blever  in  the  supper- 
natural,  so  at  fust  I  only  larft  at  my  dreem,  witch  I  sot  down  to 
an  overharty  supper  of  icesters  and  too  many  pulls  at  the  Bore- 
bung.  But  when  I  cum  to  see  in  the  collumes  of  the  New  York 
daylies,  eenamost  the  same  stories  as  I  hed  heerd  Old  Brimstim 
subjest  to  thar  curryspondeuts  in  niy  sleep,  ses  I  to  myself,  "a 


78  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

few  extra  horns  doosent  ackount  for  the  develish  kvreer  coin- 
cidents; the  words  of  the  dramineris  true — thar  is  more  trooth 
in  hevin  and  airth  than  is  dreamt  of  in  your  filosofy." 

Evryboddy  here  is  in  a  narvus  fever  about  Commydore 
Dupoint's  fleet,  and  all  kinder  conjecters  is  afloat  as  to  the  pint 
it  is  goin  to  a  sail  to.  As  it  will  ondoutedly  be  heern  from  afore 
the  Sunday  Merkary  containin  this  letter  ken  reach  the  rebels, 
I  may  venter  to  say,  by  way  of  a  flyer — 

Let  the  chaps  at  Fort  Macon 
Take  keer  of  thar  bacon, 

forsuinthin  will  be  heerd  to  drap  thar  or  tharabouts  in  purty  short 
meter.  Likewise  I  predicate  that — 

The  gents  whose  full  dress  is  two  spurs  and  a  collar 
Will  be  licked  till  they  find  it  convenient  to  holler. 

I  wisht  I  could  giv  you  the  hull  programmy,  but  a  sojers  brest 
is  the  seat  of  honor,  and  line  onder  a  promise  not  to  reveal  it. 
Consekently  Ive  hed  to  put  my  predickshins  inter  misterus  rimes 
like  the  negromansirs  of  antickwitty,  whose  proffersighs  is  sum- 
times  kwoted  in  the  perioddiculs  as  heving  ben  curusly  ful- 
filled. 

Ginral  Scott  is  now  a  confirmed  valleytudinarian — wotever  the 
flippant  informant  of  the  Eggspress  may  say  to  the  contrary — and 
is  sed  he  will  sun  resign  the  milcntary  supervishin  of  his  father- 
laud  to  a  yunger  son  of  Mars.  The  brave  old  vetran  has  airnt  a 
right  to  repose,  and  his  kentry  would  be  pleased  to  see  him 
kwietly  restin  onto  his  lorils. 

Honest  Old  Abe  is  in  high  fether,  and  as  full  of  jokehilarity  as 
ever.  I  run  agen  him  in  Pennsylvany  avenoo  this  mornin,  and 
arter  an  old  fashined  backwoods  shake  of  the  hand,  he  axed  me 
why  the  battle-field  at  Bull's  Run  was  like  the  place  whar  Magna 
Carter  floored  King  John.  Not  noin  rightly  wot  he  deluded  to, 
I  caved  in  at  wunst,  upon  witch  he  gin  me  a  slap  on  the  back 
and  sed  it  was  bekase  it  was  a  runny  mead. 

The  pint  is  rather  obskewer,  but  hopen  you'll  be  abel  to  see 
throo  it,  I  remain,  as  on  former  ockashins, 

Yours  allus,  A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XXVI. 

[Last  week  was  particularly  barren  of  events ;  and  in  the  ab- 
sence of  anything  startling  in  the  way  of  news,  the  old  soldier 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  79 

is  unusually  didactic.  His  information  respecting  the  time  when, 
and  the  place  where,  General  McClellan  will  make  his  grand 
attack,  may  be  religiously  trusted.  The  Disbanded,  beyond  all 
doubt,  is  as  well  posted  in  regard  to  the  military  plans  of  the 
Commander-in-chief  as  any  agent  of  the  Associated  Press  ;  and, 
in  fact,  we  have  reason  to  know  that  whatever  information  he 
receives  from  head-quarters  is  special  and  exclusive. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  November  8,  1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merlcary  : 

Butchers  shops  in  fly-time  isent  more  invested  with  bloobot- 
tles  than  Washington  is  at  present  with  pollytickle  buzzy-bodics 
as  portends  to  be  the  mouthpeaces  of  the  frens  of  the  war. 
These  humbugs  huvvers  about  the  guverment  offizzes  and  skoots 
around  the  hottels,  day  in  and  clay  out,  tryin  to  pisen  the  ears  of 
good  citysins  with  thar  trumpary  tails.  It  makes  me  wurmy  to 
hear  em  bio  about  the  leathergy  of  the  heads  of  departments. 
They  allow  as  the  keutry  long  ago  eggspected  General"  Maclel- 
lin  to  tackle  the  rebels  in  the  lield,  sholder  and  elbo,  and  giv  em 
the  coo  de  grass.  "  When  air  we  to  hev  a  forrarcl  moovement  ? ' 
"Is  the  administrashin  asleep?"  "  This  is playin  at  sogers  " — 
and  similar  boklerdash  is  the  burden  of  thar  song. 

The  same  kinder  bray  was  heerd  afore  Manasses,  and  from 
critters  of  the  same  stripe.  But  its  no  go  this  time.  The  com- 
man.lcr-in-chief  is  donkey-proof.  The  buty  of  it  is  that  all  tke 
yawping  and  bullyraggin  comes  from  shirkers  and  nuncumbcrt- 
ents  ;  fellers  not  wuth  a  cuss  for  ennything  but  cawcussing  ; 
skunks  as  would  dekline  the  swoord  for  the  pen,  even  ef  it  was  a 
pig  pen ;  puzzlanynious  shoats  as  would  be  the  fust  to  save  thru- 
bacon  by  "  mooving  to  the  rare  to  the  sound  of  the  enernccs 
cannon."  But  I  ncedcnt  tell  you  what  they  air.  You  hev  heeps 
of  the  breed  in  New  York,  and  the}''!!  never  be  found,  like 
Uriah,  in  the  "  fore-frunt  of  the  battle."  Keep  em  to  hum  and 
make  skcruTs  of  em  ef  you  want  to ;  we  hev  an  overplush  of 
setch  blatherskites  in  this  market.  Thars  wun  consolayshin, 
howsever,  we  sbnnt  hev  em  long — as  sun  as  the  conm'ck  cuin- 
rnenses  in  airnest,  the  instink  of  self-preservashin  Avill  send  em 
back  Avliar  they  belong. 

Nevertheless,  ef  enny  sheep  in  wulfs  clothin  is  overly  ank 
shus  to  larn  wots  the  fitin  programme,  he  ken  hev  it.  Ginral  Mac- 
lellin  is  agreeabul  that  all  the  wurld  should  no  wlien  and  whar 
he  intends  to  strike,  and  I  am  orthorised  to  state  the  time  and 
place.  The  time  will  be — when  he's  reddy,  and  the  place — 


80  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

whar  thars  the  best  chance  to  go  in  and  win.  This  is  offlshal. 
Wun  wurd  more  to  make  every  thing  purspickuous  and  enabul 
sporting  men  to  bet  on  a  sartainty.  The  day  on  witch  the  grand 
attact  will  be  made  may  be  found  in  enny  relieabul  allrnynack, 
and  the  percise  spot  whar  the  battle  will  be  fit  is  encluded  in  all 
the  orthentic  maps  of  the  sete  of  war.  It  is  oney  doin  justis  to 
myself  to  menshin  that  the  materials  for  this  candid  eggsposi- 
tion  was  not  sucked  out  of  the  clerks  of  the  War  Department, 
or  in  ennyways  sirupdishously  obtaned. 

The  President  continnees  to  treat  me  with  the  same  afleck- 
shinit  confidense  as  ushil,  unbuzzuming  hisself  without  resarve 
at  our  privit  entervews.  Last  evenin  we  cum  purty  near  makin 
a  night  of  it.  In  fack,  the  clock  struck  two  afore  the  lateness  of 
the  hour  struck  either  of  us.  The  witty  statesman  of  the  West 
was  in  a  fine  flow  of  sperrits,  and  got  off  numerus  chunks  of 
wisdom  in  the  form  of  dublintenders,  cannondrums,  and  cetery. 
Ef  my  memry  sarved,  you  should  hev  the  hull  batch,  but  as  it 
is,  I  ken  oney  tickle  the  rizables  of  your  readers  with  the  follerin : 

Arter  we  had  torked  a  spell  about  milentary  matters,  the 
venabul  Illannoyan,  regardin  me  with  a  beamin  smile,  axed  me 
why  the  cummander  of  Freemount's  Boddy  Guard  must  be  per- 
nounced  a  nidiot. 

As  I  thort  he'd  shocle  hisself  an  all-fired  smart  feller  at  Spring- 
field, I  sed  I  couldent  see  the  nub  of  it. 

"  Well,"  ses  the  illustrus  humorest,  "  wots  his  name?" 

"  Zagoni,"  I  replide. 

"  Troo,"  ses  he,  "  and  don't  we  all  pern&unce  him  a  nidiot  when 
we  say  he's  a  goncy  ?" 

"  Wots  your  privit  opinyun  of  Ginral  Freemount?"  I  inkwired, 
with  tears  in  my  eyes,  when  the  larf  hed  sobsided. 

"  Well,"  he  responded,  "/say  nuthen,  but  Seckatry  Chase  thinks 
he'd  be  an  all-smashin  Pathfinder  for  eiiny  guverment  as  wanted 
to  diskiver  a  new  road  to  ruin,  and  Camerun  allows  that  he 
doosent  keer  about  hevin  Price  redoost  at  setch  an  alarmin 
pickayunery  sacrifiz." 

The  conversashin  then  turned  on  the  New  York  eleckshin,  and 
he  remarked  that  New  York  appeerd  from  the  returns  to  be  a 
wunderful  lawless  city. 

"  How  so  ?"  ses  I,  raj'ther  riled  at  the  insinnerashin. 

"  Why,"  ses  he,  "  I  find  that  mor'n  hafe  the  peeple  as  voted  for 
sheriff  was  reglar  Lyncliers." 

It  was  even  so,  Eddyturs,  and  I  could  oney  hang  my  head  in 
shame. 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  81 

Wo  then  tutched  on  the  embargo,  and  I  axed  him  wot  would 
be  the  coiisekense  ef  the  British  nierchints  was  to  send  out  armed 
ships  to  brake  it. 

"  D.  V.,"  ses  he,  in  his  dry  way,  "  ef  they  cum  for  cotton, 
we'll  giv  em  plenty  of  batting." 

Thinkiu  it  AVOS  time  I  put  in  my  ore,  I  rekwested  to  no  why 
American  prodooce  in  famine  time  was  like  the  approachin  Lon- 
don Eggsposishin. 

"  Bekase  it's  the  Worltf a  Fare"  he  ansered,  kwick  as  a  flash. 

Its  onpossible  to  stump  the  destingwished  woodchopper  witli 
ennything  in  the  raillery  line. 

Referring  to  the  Navel  eggspidishin  agen  King  Cotton,  I  in- 
kwired,  by  way  of  a  feeler,  ef  he  sposed  it  hed  got  inter  Port 
Royal  without  damidge;  to  which  he  replide,  with  a  solem 
wink,  that  he  hoped  for  the  best,  but  Port  Royal  was  a  place 
whar  it  wouldent  be  surprisen  to  heer  of  Rex.  Seein  he  was 
non-cumrnittal  in  regard  to  the  Armady,  I  axed  him  what  he 
thort  of  the  steamer  The  Adorer  runnin  throo  our  fleet  inter  Sa- 
vanna, and  a  rebel  man-o'-war  takin  nine  prizes  inter  Charlestun 
in  opin  daylite.  I  was  eenarnost  sorry  Ide  put  the  kwestin,  for 
the  honest  ole  man  shuck  his  hed  glummily,  and  aloud  that 
he  onderstood  the  blockheading  ships  hed  sheered  off  in  conse- 
kense  of  the  sea  runnin  mountins  high,  but  he  considerd  that 
was  a  poor  way  of  smoothin  it  over. 

At  this  stage  of  the  conversashin  he  fell  inter  a  musin  fit,  and 
seein  wot  a  clock  it  was,  1  bid  him  adoo,  and  moseyed  for  Wil- 
lards.  And  now  biddin  you  the  same,  I  remane,  with  three 
cheers  and  a  tiger  for  the  North, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


NO.  xxvn. 

[Our  correspondent  gives  us  a  rousing  letter  this  week.    We 
know  it  will  suit  our  readers  to  a  dot. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  November  15,  1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merlcary : 

"  Three  cheers  and  a  tiger  for  the  North  !"  was  the  conkludln 
frays  of  my  last  letter,  and  to  day,  ef  vokil  intercorse  was  possa- 
bal  throo  the  males,  1  would  galoot  you  with  three  setch  tiiun- 
4* 


82  \VAK     LETTERS    OF 

derin  stunners  as  ud  make  your  litenin  presses  dance  Juba — 
tailin  off  with  a  growl  like  a  hull  jungle-full  ot  royal  Bengals 
on  a  bender.  He  do  it  in  pen-and-ink,  eunyhow.  Weve  tetched 
Old  Secesh  in  the  raw  and  weve  got  him  on  the  hip — and  so  hip ! 
liip !  HIP  !  HOOKA W  !  Eggskews  eggstravagance.  The  trooth 
is  Ime  in  setch  a  state  of  elevashin,  that  I  feel  as  ef  I  should 
bust  my  suspenders  and  rise  boddily  outer  my  boots  like  a 
Fenicks  from  its  ashes.  All  the  Unionites  here  is  as  happy 
as  coons  in  a  cornfield ;  while  the  rebel  simperthisers  are  so 
blamed  down  in  the  mouth  that  the  smilds  they  take  at  the  bar 
to  drownd  thar  sorrors  doosent  put  a  mite  of  life  inter  em,  and 
every  fresh  rummer  as  cums  in  cawses  em  to  groan  laudably. 

Last  night  I  couldent  git  no  peace  for  warlike  dreams.  Queen 
Mab  was  with  me,  as  the  play  ses,  and  a  crowd  of  red  legs,  bag- 
nets,  quarterdecks,  munkey-jackets,  smoke-pipes,  dead  rebels, 
and  cetery,  illoominated  with  crimson  fire,  floted  afore  my  sleep- 
in  eyes  in  one  bluddy  phantasmagory !  Drums  was  in  my  ears, 
and  the  atmosfear  was  flagrant  with  sulphur.  I  stood  on  the 
combings  of  a  hatchway  and  seen  the  seecesh  vermin  flyin  outer 
Hilton's  Head,  as  the  fleet  crackt  away  at  em.  Then  I  was  at 
"  the  eminent  deadly  breech",  as  the  More  of  Venus  ses,  firing 
inter  thar  rare.  Anon  I  was  haulin  down  the  baby-bunting  of 
Treason,  and  hysting  the  full-grown  standard  of  the  Union  in  its 
place.  Finerly,  I  headed  a  brilyant  cavalry  charge  from  the 
forecassel  of  the  Warbosh,  throo  Cumberland  Gap  inter  Kain- 
turky,  arrivin  jest  in  time  to  help  the  galliant  Nelson  put  the 
rebels  throo  at  Piketown.  The  yells  I  gin  doorin  this  explite 
broke  the  nightmare,  and  I  woke  up  not  a  little  horse,  I  ken  as- 
shure  you. 

Hevent  the  owdashus  skunks  got  an  all-crucified  belting? 
Didn't  Dupoint  make  em  see  ***  ?  Didn't  he  punktuate  thar 
lines  butifully  ?  Who  douts  now  as  the  shiverally  was  all  "  born 
onsensabul  to  fear  ?"  Captain  Steedman  allows  that  nuther  man 
nor  steed  can  overtake  em  in  a  starn  chase.  He  ses  the  way 
they  put  out  from  the  forts  was  ekwil  to  Jackson  the  "  American 
Deer",  ef  not  ekwiller.  He  tride  to  foller  em  with  his  tellascope, 
but  the  pace  was  too  all-rushin  fast  to  keep  em  even  for  a  mo- 
ment within  the  scoop  of  his  field  of  vishin.  Sevral  of  the  poor 
devils  was  found  ded  in  the  woods  without  a  skratch.  I  axed 
Captain  Steedman  yesterday  mornin  wot  he  thort  they  died  on, 
and  he  sed  galloping  consumpshin. 

About  a  fortnit  ago  the  Charleston  Merkary  intermated  as  the 
brains  of  the  Adrninistrashin  must  hev  gon  a  wool-getherin,  to 


A    DI8BAKDED    VOLUNTEER.  83 

think  of  attacting  South  Caroliny.  "Wai,  thar  Tics  ben  a  wool- 
getherin  and  no  mistake,  and  I'll  go  tall  thar'll  be  a  cotton-geth- 
erin  too,  afore  long.  Whars  the  "  bluddy  hands"  and  the  "  hor- 
spitabul  graves  ?"  They  warn't  on  hand  at  French's  Island,  and 
Bay  Pint,  and  Bufort.  No  sirrees !  Thar  warn't  noboddy  in 
them  diggins  to  "  \velcum"  Uncle  Sam  but  Uncle  Sambo.  The 
pomp  of  war  vanisht  suddent,  and  left  oney  black  Pomp  behind. 
The  galliant  olFsirs  even  went  off  without  thar  arms,  relyin  on 
thar  legs  alone.  A  trail  of  muskits,  bagnets,  shakoes  and  hav- 
ersacks, shode  the  way  the  sojers  run.  Oney  wun  shiverally  re- 
maned and  he  wus  so  disguysed  in  licker  that  he  sposed  noboddy 
would  reckognize  him.  His  condishin  may  be  hnadgined  from 
the  suckemstance,  that  when  taken  he  was  tryin  to  light  the  rong 
eend  of  his  seegar  at  a  pump,  and  shakin  hands  with  the  handle 
stfpposin  he  bed  met  a  frend  as  would  pertect  him  agin  the  "  orful 
Yankees." 

But  while  Nuthern  heroes  is  kivering  tharselves  with  glory  in 
the  South,  wot  is  sum  of  your  white-livered  Nuthern  eddyturs 
dooin  to  hum.  Givin  "  aid  and  comfort"  to  the  enemee  that  our 
troops  is  discurnforted  in  every  battle.  By  Jeehosyfat !  it  makes 
my  blud  bile.  Right  afore  me  as  I  rite  lies  a  coppy  of  the  Inde- 
pendent, published  in  your  city.  Wot  does  it  say  ?  Why  that 
the  eddytur  is  inforint  as  Seward  ses  the  war  kant  suckseed ; 
that  the  Europian  powers  will  reckognize  the  C.  S. ;  that  Weed 
is  gon  to  England  to  ax  the  British  ministers  ef  they  mean  to 
cotton  to  the  South ;  that  ef  they  do,  our  Guverment,  bein 
hopeless  of  keepin  tb.e  Union  together,  will  sue  for  a  piece  ;  and 
that  tliarupon  the  kentry  will  go  to  destruckshin  as  ef  the  devil 
kickt  it.  Git  the  paper,  and  see  ef  I  hev  eggsagerated.  In  fack 
it  lowers  us  more  than  the  abuv.  Whoever  perpetraitord  the 
paragraft,  should  be  sent  at  wunst  either  to  Fort  Laugheryet  or 
to  a  Loonatic  Assilum. 

"  Then  thars  that  "  Muff"  of  a  feller  as  rites  letters  here  for  the 
Triboon.  Honest  old  Abe,  Camerun,  and  Maclellin,  hes  all 
gin  him  the  cold  sholder,  and  ef  they  gin  him  the  foot  insted  of 
the  sholder,  he  would  oney  got  his  jest  desarts.  He  ses  thars  not 
wunraaly  well  dessiplind  regiment  in  tJie  kentry,  and  that  the  army 
is  a  mere  mob — both  offsirs  and  men !  This  is  the  liebellious 
stuff  he  rites  for  the  Triboon,  a  paper  as  portends  to  be  paytri- 
otic !  Darn  setcli  snaix  in  the  grass,  I  say.  Let  the  nashun  put 
its  heel  on  thar  misabul  heads.  But  no— let  'em  crawl  They're 
not  wuth  crushin.  Tuey  kant  hurt  old  E  Pluvt/us  Unum — long 
may  he  rain  t 


84  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

Knowin  that  my  vews  in  this  letter  will  goinside  with  yourn 
and  the  public's,  I  remain,  as  ushil. 

Yours  allns, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.   XXVILL 

[The  old  war-horse  pitches  remorselessly  into  the  Administra- 
tion-—and  not  without  reason — for  its  tenderness  to  spies  and  trai- 
tors. Why  should  not  the  lex  talionis  be  applied  to  the  traitor 
eaves-droppers  taken  within  our  lines  ?  Union  men  are  harried 
out  of  house  and  home,  tarred  and  feathered,  tortured,  and  in 
many  instances  put  to  death,  by  rebel  ruffians;  while  Southern 
spies,  caught  in  the  North  in  flagrante  delieto,  are  treated  as  pris- 
oners of  war !  We  think,  with  our  indignant  correspondent, 
that  rope  is  not  as  prominent  a  feature  as  it  ought  to  be  in  the 
martial  policy  of  the  Government. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  November  22, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Mcrkary  : 

The  thousands  of  dollars  dispersed  by  the  Guverment  for 
resting  spies  and  pervidin  em  with  evry  cumfort  at  the  fashina- 
bul  milentary  hottels  of  Fort  Warren  and  Fort  Laugheryet, 
mought  better  be  infested  in  shot  and  shells.  It  would  be  jest  as 
eesy  to  sprinkle  down  a  prayery  fire  with  a  New  York  water-cart, 
as  to  stop  the  rebels'  spygame  by  setch  delicut  treatment.  When 
we  sees  a  traitor  we  ushir  him  inter  a  plesent  and  commojus 
kage,  whar  he  whissels  and  sings  and  smokes  his  meresham,  and 
enjies  his  osliam  cum  dignitraitor  on  the  fat  of  the  land.  But  ef 
wun  of  our  emiseries  is  ketched  within  the  rebel  lines,  up  he 
goes  to  the  neardest  limb  strong  enuff  to  bare  his  wait.  No- 
boddy  tries  to  git  out  a  rit  of  Have  his  Coi'pus  for  him ;  and  cf 
they  did,  the  presence  of  his  boddy  in  court,  arter  his  sole  lied 
left  the  airth,  would  be  a  useless  form.  Why  kant  we  take 
a  leef  outer  the  seecesh  book,  and  string  up  thar  spies  like 
inions,  as  they  do  our  onfortnit  Pilgarlicks  ?  Instcd  of  permit- 
ting em  to  admire  the  prospeck  from  the  loopholes  of  our  forts, 
make  em  breefly  ackwainted  with  the  landskip  through  the  loop- 
hole of  a  hafe-inch  rope,  and  send  em  to  jine  Benny  Dick  Arnold 
in  a  futur  State,  whar  seecesshin  is  onpossabul — that's  my  doc- 
tering  I 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  85 

The  oney  cheep,  conveenient  and  effectall  way  of  dealin  with 
traitor  spies  is  to  hang  em.  They  merit  death  and  should  be 
treated  cordingly.  I  wouldn't  be  afeard  to  bet  my  Crymean 
medal  again  a  South  Caroliny  major's  shirt-collar  and  spurs, 
thars  more*n  a  hunderd  of  em  in  the  Deestrick  at  this  moment 
in  reglar  entercurse  with  the  enemee.  Sum  of  em  is  said  to 
keep  carryer  pidgins,  and  no  sunner  is  a  grand  coo  detarmined 
on  by  the  guverment  than  the  particklers  is  on  the  wing  to 
Richmound. 

The  fassility  with  witch  suspishus  carrickters  gits  appoint- 
ments is  a  caushin  to  Cabbynets.  I  met  in  Pennsylvany  avenoo 
yestday  arternoon  a  Volunteer  Kurnil — and  he's  kwite  poplar 
with  the  war  department  too — as  I  heerd  with  my  own  ears 
torkin  red-mouthed  seeceshin  in  a  newspaper  offiz  in  New  York 
not  more'n  six  inunths  ago.  And  I  could  tell  you  of  a  Kwarter- 
master,  a  feller  from  Tennesee,  who  sed  in  my  heering  arter  the 
takin  of  Fort  Sumter,  that  he  was  goin  back  to  his  nativ  State 
to  take  up  arms  agen  the  U.  S.  guverment.  Mebbe  they're" 
refonned  traitors ;  but  ef  so  thar  convarshin  was  amazin  rapid. 
Howsever  I  shall  keep  my  eye  onto  em,  and  onto  three  or  four 
more  cases  of  a  simildar  nater,  and  ef  they  sho  enny  simtums  of 
a  relaps,  they'll  be  heerd  on  at  Head  Kwarters  almity  sucldent. 
In  the  meentime  I  take  the  libty  of  advisin  the  Seckatiy  of  War 
and  Ginral  Maclellin  to  keep  thar  eyes  skinned,  for  to  my  sartin 
nolledge  pollytickle  intreeg  and  pursonal  asshurance  lies  obtaind 
commishins  for  men  who  oughter  hev  solid  masonry  and  bar 
irun  atwixt  them  and  the  honest  porshin  of  the  publick. 

The  seeser  of  the  two  rebel  plenipenitentiaries  continnees  to 
be  the  universal  tropic  of  conversashin,  and  is  warmly  disgust. 
I  understand  Lord  Lyons  ses  they  must  be  restored  right  side  up 
with  keer  to  the  British  Guvmeut,  and  in  coarse  all  the  jackalls 
belongin  to  the  legashin  barks  up  the  same  tree.  I  hope  they'll 
heva  good  time  perswadin  honest  Old  Abe  to  give  em  up.  By  the 
way,  Wilkes  got  off  rayther  a  good  thing,  line  told,  when  axed 
by  his  Lordship's  privit  seckatry  how  he  dared  to  board  a  British 
steamer. 

"  Wai,  my  frend,"  ses  the  Commydore,  in  his  solem  way,  "  I 
thort  as  the  Caroline  was  Mac-Nabbed  in  American  waters,  I  was 
jestified,  onder  the  suckemstances,  in  nabbing  the  Trent  on  the 
high  seas." 

The  legashin  feller  dident  see  it. 

Sumboddy  told  the  story  to  Prentice  of  the  Looistille  Jernfl,  at 
Forney's  party  tuther  evenin,  and  that  vetran  joker  remarkt  that 


86  WABLETTEBSOF 

the  rool  of  tit-f  )r-tat  dident  seem  to  be  the  Eule  Britannia.  Assist- 
ant Atturney  Ginral  Coffee  sed  he  dident  cunsidder  England  hed 
eany  grounds  of  complaint,  and  Giural  Porter  felt  sartain  that 
the  hull  aifair  would  eeud  in  froth. 

It  appeers  that  a  curus  mistake  oridginated  outer  the  fust  dis- 
patch as  arrove  here  announsin  the  capter  of  Mason  and  Sly- 
dell.  It  is  stated  that  Wilkes,  knowin  they  were  passengers  on 
the  British  steamer,  made  np  his  mind  to  "  briny  her  too"  This 
gin  rise  to  a  report  that  the  San  Jasinto  hed  ackilly  brort  the 
Trent  inter  Hamton  Hoads  with  the  plenipenitentiaries  on  board, 
and  the  Washington  Tellagraft,  which  never  misses  a  lie  by 
enny  axident,  would  hev  spred  the  preshus  noose  from  here  to 
Californy  afore  this  time,  ef  the  wire-pullers  at  the  offiz  hedent 
ben  stopt  by  a  speshil  rnessinger  from  the  Navy  Department ! 
Setch  moddest  fabels  as  the  romance  of  the  Three  Black  Crows 
would  be  considerd  in  these  diggins  near  enuff  to  gospel  trooth 
to  administer  the  oath  of  alegions  on ! 

We  hev  plesent  informashin  from  Kaintucky  to-day.  The 
rebel  Ginral  Zollycougher's  troops  are  desarting  bekase  they 
kant  get  thar  pay,  and  it  is  sed  he  finds  it  onpossabul  to  raise  the 
wind  to  replenish  his  milentary  chest.  In  fack  desarshin  hes 
made  setch  a  hole  in  his  army,  that  he's  hed  to  beat  a  retreat 
throo  the  Gap. 

Intellegence  has  also  ben  receved  at  the  War  Department 
from  Bnfort  that  the  delirium  trimmings  prisoner  as  was  tuck 
with  fits  arter  the  fight,  is  sloly  rekiverin  from  a  state  of  sincopy 
and  hes  exprest  a  wish  to  take  the  oath  of  fidelity  to  the  consti- 
tushin  and  a  glass  of  red-eye. 

The  revew  of  sixty -five  thousand  sojers  by  Maclellin  on  Wens- 
day  was  a  high  old  specktickle,  and  ef  the  raal  tragedy  wen  it 
cums  off  is  ekwil  to  the  rehearsal,  Bull  Run  will  be  tearabully 
revenged.  Trustin  as  the  fitin  of  our  troops  will  be  as  good  as 
thar  faintin,  I  remane,  wulfishly, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLTJNTEEB. 


No.  XXIX. 

[It  is  evident  that  our  patriotic  correspondent  is  fully  in  the 
confidence  of  the  Administration  ;  but,  like  a  man  of  honor,  he 
neitnei-  discloses  the  information  imparted  to  him  under  the  seal 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB.  87 

of  secrecy,  nor  prowls  among  the  understrappers  of  the  Gov- 
ernment seeking  intelligence  from  disreputable  sources.  "We 
commend  his  amusing  account  of  a  morning  at  General  Mc- 
Clellan's  head-quarters  to  the  attention  of  such  of  our  readers 
as  arc  "  troubled  with  humor." — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  November  29, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  tlie  Sunday  Merkary : 

The  hurry-up-your-cakes  fackshin  lies  wunst  more  opend  its 
saft-shell  battrees  agen  the  administrashin.  "  Doos  Ginral  Mac- 
Icllin  ever  mean  to  stir  ?"  is  the  cry  of  the  misabul  spoons  as  got 
us  inter  hot  water  at  Bull  Run. 

O !  my  "  forrard  movement"  frends,  dont  let  your  bile  over- 
flo.  Paws,  O  milentary  Eddyturs ;  hold  your  hands,  O  sevagar- 
us  curryspondents  as  sheds  your  ink  so  freely  on  your  native 
foolscap,  for  three  cents  a  line — paws  and  simmer  down.  You 
air  wastin  stayshinnery  in  attemptin  to  drive  things  ahed.  The 
Cnmmander-in-Cheef  doosent  keer  a  bullrush  for  your  dietribes. 
He's  not  "  a  reed  shaken  by  the  wind,"  and  you  kant  bamboosell 
him  inter  raisin  Cain  afore  he  feels  sarsy  abel  to  fite  and  conker. 
Tharfore,  you  mought  as  well  dror  in  your  horns  and  stop 
soundin  your  battle  trumpits. 

Howsever,  tho  all  seams  smooth  and  cam,  we  air  on  the  eve 
of  mity  events,  as  Adam  remarkt  to  his  wife  when  they  fust  got 
thar  eyes  skinned  in  the  Gardin,  and  began  to  look  around  for  a 
reddy-made  clothin  store  and  a  mantoomakin  establishment. 
Oney  wait  tell  the  rebel  meatropolis  is  removed  to  Gnashveal 
and  the  mouths  of  all  the  Suthern  harbers  is  choked  with  cob- 
ble-stuns  drapt  inter  the  chaps  of  thar  channils,  and  then  you'll 
see  the  grand  army  showin  its  teeth  in  aimest. 

Honest  Old  Abe  is  in  closte  confabulashin  with  Ginral  Mac- 
lellin  every  day,  and  as  I  hev  the  confidense  of  both,  they  some- 
times permit  me  (arter  hevin  repeated  the  oath  to  sport  and 
sustain  the  Constitooshin  and  give  no  sucker  to  the  enemee)  to 
take  peart  in  thar  counsultashins. 

A  few  mornins  senst  I  went  with  our  poplar  cheef  madgis- 
treet  to  call  on  the  Ginral  at  his  head-kwarters,  and  a  very  ples- 
ent,  and  in  fack  jolly  palavver  we  hed  together ;  for  altho  both 
is  church-members,  they  think,  like  the  famus  methodest domino, 
that  the  Evil  Wun  hes  no  right  to  hev  all  the  funny  games  to  his- 
self.  When  me  and  the  President  arrove  at  the  Ginral's  house, 
he  warn't  up,  hevin  ben  out  on  a  cruse  among  the  rebel  posts 
the  cvenin  afore,  besides  consumin  the  midnight  ile  the  night 


83  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

arter  his  return,  in  ritin  letters.  We  sent  up  our  kcards  by  an 
orderly,  and  lie  brung  us  ward  that  as  sun  as  the  Ginral  hed 
shaved,  and  tuck  a  shower  bath,  and  hed  his  coffee,  and  red  mor- 
nin  prayers  with  his  milentary  famaly,  our  case  would  be  attend- 
ed to.  I  thort  it  rather  curus  that  he  should  keep  the  represen- 
tative of  Uncle  Sam  watin  hafe  an  hour  in  the  aunty-rum,  as  ef 
he'd  ben  a  kentry  cussin,  but  the  President  oney  larfed  and  sed 
it  was  Mac's  way — he  was  a  simple-minded  republican,  and 
didn't  stand  on  ceremunny  with  him  or  enny  uther  man. 

Presently  the  Ginral  made  his  apperiance  in  his  dressin 
gownd  and  slippers,  and  a  cigar  in  his  mouth,  and  shuck  hands 
with  us  as  corjally  as  ef  we'd  both  ben  his  bruthers  in  arms. 
We  then  sot  down,  and  the  conversashin  at  wunst  took  a  gay 
and  spritely  turn. 

"  Mac,"  ses  the  President,  "  do  you  know  that  Seckatry  Welles 
is  a  gay  old  boy,  notwithstandin  his  gray  hairs  and  his  grown-up 
famaly?" 

"  Howd'  you  make  that  out  ?"  replide  the  ginral,  in  his  short, 
sharp  way ;  "  I've  allus  onderstud  he  was  considerd  a  moddel 
Christian  in  the  land  of  steddy  habits." 

"  For  all  that  he's  a  Giddy-un,"  rejined  the  wittyest  of  wood- 
choppers,  sinilding  vialcntly. 

"  Wai,"  ses  I,  wishin  to  let  the  seckatry  up  eesy,  for  he's  a 
frend  of  mine,  "  you  mought  jest  as  well  hang  a  dorg  as  giv  him 
a  bad  name."  I  sed  that  by  way  of  defendin  the  absent,  but  I 
thort  the  President  considerd  the  remark  rayther  otray,  as  they 
say  in  France,  altho  he  dident  say  so. 

We  then  begun  to  tork  of  the  Port  Rile  affare,  and  I  axed 
Mr.  Lincoln  why  Guverment  wouldent  allow  Senitor  Simmons, 
of  Rhode  Island,  to  turn  a  nonest  penny  by  sendin  a  cargo  of 
noshins  to  Bufort.  Quick  as  a  wink  he  anserd,  "  that  altho  the 
troops  was  in  want  of  many  things,  it  warn  deemed  advisabul 
that  they  should  hev  enny  per- Simmons."  I  judged  from  the 
reply,  that  mebbe  the  spiritalist  Senitor  hed  ben  overly  ankshus 
to  repe  the  frutes  of  rebellyun.  But  arter  all,  why  not  giv  him  a 
chanst  ?  Ef  he  doosent  skin  the  onfortnit  sogers,  some  sutler- 
man  will. 

The  subjeck  of  Bucannon's  defense  of  hisself  by  Ex-Atur- 
ney  Ginral  Black  arterwards  came  up,  and  Maclellin,  who  is 
kwite  a  skollard,  remarkt  that  considerin  who  it  was  ritten  by 
and  who  it  was  ritten  of,  the  motto  oughter  be — from  Horace — 
"  nigger  est."  I  spose  its  to  be  found  somewhars  in  the  Triboon,  but 
darn  me  ef  /  know  what  it  meens,  for  I  was  too  proud  to  ax. 


A    DISBANDED    VOLUNTEER.  89 

Ilowsever  I  larfed  for  cumpany's  sake.    I  knew  they  -was  runnin 
a  saw  on  old  Buck,  and  that  was  enuff  for  me. 

At  this  pint  of  the  conversashin  the  Venabul  Abe,  who  would 
rayther  get  off  a  good  joke  than  eat,  enny  time,  inkwired  of 
Ginral  Maclellin  ef  he  was  awar  that  Ginral  Rosecrans  was  tho 
gratest  blackleg  in  the  kentry.  Maclellin  turnt  verry  red,  and 
sed  twarnt  so,  surnboddy  hed  ben  slanderin  that  galliant  offsir. 

"  My  dear  sir,"  replide  the  President,  mildly,  with  a  sly  wink 
of  his  wether  eye  at  me,  "  do  you  considder  Floyd,  the  cannon 
thief,  a  gallus  scoundril  ?" 

"  I  do !"  said  the  Ginral  emfatically. 

"  Wai,"  rejincd  Mr.  Lincoln,  "  and  warn't  he  more'n  a  match 
for  Floyd  on  the  Cheat  ?" 

I  thort  Maclellin  would  hev  caterpillerd.  He  rored  tell  he 
was  black  in  the  face,  and  the  President  had  to  pat  him  on  the 
back  to  bring  him  too. 

In  this  kinder  dimond-cut-dimond  small  tork  we  wild  away 
mebbe  an  hour  or  so.  Ef  it  waru't  "a  feest  of  resin  and  a 
flo  of  sole,"  thar  never  was  wun.  I  wisht  I  could  oney  remem- 
ber hafe  the  brilyant  flashes  of  genus  of  every  speshis  as 
was  got  of.  It  was  an  exhibishin  of  humorous  firewurks  mpre 
eesily  emagined  than  deskribed.  The  November  meeteors  doos- 
ent  cumpar  with  it 

Subsekwently  we  went  inter  serous  bizness,  and  setteld  on  an 
actyve  programmy  for  the  rest  of  the  camppain.  But  for  the 
oath  prevously  deluded  to,  you  should  hev  the  particklers.  Suf- 
fize  it  to  stjy  that  the  rebels  will  get  it  hot  and  hevvy.  Lucking 
ankshusly  for  the  blessed  crysis  when  we  shall  be  in  a  condishin 
to  tickel  thar  toby,  I  hev  the  honor  to  be, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XXX. 

[The  account  given  by  our  quaint  old  friend  of  the  altercation 
between  the  President  and  Secretary  Cameron  is  particularly 
rich  and  racy.  The  most  implicit  confidence  may  be  placed  in 
the  general  accuracy  of  the  dialogue.  The  hints  in  the  daily 
papers  in  relation  to  the  quarrel — or,  to  speak  gingerly,  the  dif- 
ference of  opinion — between  Mr.  Lincoln  and  Mr.  Cameron,  are, 


90  "WAR    LETTERS     OF 

we  are  assured  on  the  best  authority,  very  wide  of  the  mark. — 

EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  December  6, 1801. 
Eddyturs  of  tlie  Sunday  MerJcary : 

Thars  ben  an  iinproovin  time  here  atween  Abraham  and 
Simon.  I  mean,  in  coarse,  atween  the  Hed  of  the  Nashin  and 
the  lied  of  the  War  burrow.  These  two  hcds  hed  a  lively 
brush  on  Sunday.  Thar  idees  clashed  on  the  subjeck  of  anning 
the  woollyheds,  and  arter  considabul  iffing  and  butting,  they 
both  hauled  oiF  without  hevin  made  the  slytest  impresshin  on 
wunanuther.  Honest  Old  Abe,  who  deerly  luvs  his  own  way 
and  hes  a  hart  as  tender  as  a  biled  turnip,  wanted  Camerun  to 
alter  his  vews  about  setting  the  blacks  onto  the  whites,  war- 
upon,  as  I  onderstand,  the  Sekatry  declined  to  make  the  altera- 
shin  and  the  follerin  altercashin  ensood. 

ABE. — Sir,  the  Slavery  mancipashin  questen  is  a  notty  pint. 
Thars  a  split  on  it  now  in  the  North,  and  what  you  say  in  your 
report  about  armin  the  niggers  and  settin  em  on  to  mall  thar 
masters,  would  oney  act  as  a  wedge  to  widen  the  fisher.  You 
air  not  axed  for  opinions,  sir,  but  oney  for  statements.  Ef  yom 
dojckyment  was  to  go  to  Congress  ondockt,  all  the  consarvativs 
would  say  I  was  barkin  up  the  same  tree  as  yourself,  and  I 
should  be  railed  at  as  onworthy  of  my  post  by  all  the  Suthern 
Unionists.  You  must  dock  off  that  porshin  of  the  tail  eend  of 
your  report  whar  you  say  it  may  be  the  "  dooty"  of  the  Guver- 
ment  to  "  arm  and  ekwip''  the  darkeys.  Sir,  I  insist  upon  it. 

SIMON. — Mister  President,  I  owe  it  to  myself  to  say  it  kant  be 
dun.  I  wont  take  back  a  sillybull.  Ive  sent  the  report  to  the 
papers  with  orders  for  it  to  go  in,  and  tharfore  it  must  cum  out. 
War  to  the,  nife  and  the  nife  to  the  hilt  is  my  watchword,  and  ef 
you  want  to  play  at  push-pin  with  rebellyun,  insted  of  smitin  the 
Fillistins  hip  and  thigh,  you  must  git  anuther  Seckatry  of  War. 

ABE  (sourcastically). — The  jaw  of  an  ass,  Mr.  Seckatry,  isent 
as  powerful  a  weepin  now  as  it  was  in  the  days  of  Samson  and 
the  Fillistins,  and  tharfore  line  ankshus  to  hev  the  objeckshun- 
abul  claws  struck  out.  It  is  onwurthy  of  your  talons  as  a  states- 
man. Suppose  your  blud  is  up — it  is  your  bizness  as  a  polly- 
tishen  to  dror  it  mild. 

SIMON. — Mr.  President,  the  remarks  you  kwarril  with  in  my 
messidge  to  Con — I  mean  my  report  to  you — was  not  dictated  by 
mollevolence  nor  wicked  annymosity,  but  by  a  Simon  Pure 
regard  for  that  high  old  morrill  precept :  "  The  eend  sankshins 
the  means."  The  whining  pollytishins  as  blubbers  at  the  idee 


A     DISBANDED     VOLtTNTEER.  01 

of  arrnin  the  blacks,  is  a  set  of  hypercritical  Charlolans, 
and  nuthin  shorter.  Could  the  bluddiest  of  Afrikins  act  more 
like  devils  ingarnet,  than  the  white  blackguards  of  South  Caro 
liny,  and  Georgy,  and  Alabammer  hes  acted.  Why  should  we 
treat  them  with  bon  Jiominy  and  considerashin,  when  they 
thretten  to  hyst  the  black  flag,  and  refuse  to  giv  up  the  ded 
boddies  of  our  slain  frends,  and  thrust  thar  pilsners  of  war  inter 
unholesurn  dungins,  whar  they  shoot  ein  throo  the  winders,  and 
lear  with  butcherly  ej^es  at  evry  Nuthemer  that  passes  throo  thar 
streets,  cryin  "  Kill !  kill !  kill !" 

ABE. — Enuff  of  this  Mister  Camerun — and  rayther  more.  / 
am  President  of  these  United  States — not  you.  Ef  you  think 
Ime  a  poppit  to  foller  the  moshins  whenever  Simon  ses  wiggle- 
waggle,  youve  mistaken  your  man.  Ef  twenty  four  millyuns  of 
honest  Nuthern  Unionists  kant  flax  out  six  millyons  of  ongrate- 
ful  Suthern  rebils  without  a  servile  war,  the  angler-Saxon  race 
isent  fit  to  hold  the  rod  of  Empire  even  on  this  side  of  Mason  and 
Dickson's  line. 

SIMON. — "Well,  Mister  President,  all  I  hev  to  say,  in  conclnshin 
is,  that  even  ef  my  report  should  caws  my  discharge,  I  wont 
alter  it. 

ABE. — You  needent  go  off  at  hafe  cock,  Mister  Seckatry.  Ime 
not  goin  to  dismiss  you — at  least  not  rite  away  ;  but  I  shall  wipe 
out  your  nigger-arniin  subjestshin,  previus  to  sendin  the  docky- 
ment  to  Congress. 

SIMON  (rayther  sulkily). — "Well,  do  as  you  like,  I  see  we  kaiit 
set  up  our  bosses  together. 

ABE. — Never  mind,  my  frond,  so  long  as  you  fatten  yourn  at 
the  public  crib. 

SIMON  (savagely). — Say,  Mister  President,  you're  fond  of  can- 
nondrums,  ken  you  tell  me  why  youre  like  the  North  Wind. 

ABE  (playfully). — Mebbe  its  bekase  you  find  me  purty  cutting, 
Mister  Camerun. 

SIMON  (malislmsly). — No,  Sir,  its  bekase  youre  a  "  blusterin 
railer." 

ABE  (coolly).  —  Very  good,  Mister  Seckatry — and  do  you 
know  why  youre  like  a  sartain  profit  as  was  swallered  by  a 
whale  ? 

SIMON  (reflectively). — Prehaps  bekase  I  shall  be  hard  to  keep 
down  and  may  turn  up  all  right  when  least  eggspected. 

ABE  (in  Ms  usual  sly  way). — No,  but  bekase  I  shall  throw  you 
overboard  whenever  setch  a  sackrifice  is  nessesary  to  asswage  the 
storm.  You  would  hev  to  go,  my  frend,  ef  the  publick  good 


92  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

reckwired  it ;  so  you'd  better  squar  your  pollysee  by  my  wishes, 
my  Simon,  ef  you  want  to  be  Simon — bar  Jonah ! 

Eggsit  Simon.    Abe  whissels,  and  the  curtin  falls. 

The  President  is  in  better  luck  than  the  old  man  in  the  Don- 
key fabil.  His  Messidge  tickcls  eenamost  evrybody,  without  it 
is  the  rebels,  and  in  coarse  it  is  intended  to  tetch  them  in  the 
raw. 

Within  a  fortnit,  mebbe  within  a  week,  you'll  hear  of  a  big 
thing  in  the  way  of  a  skriimnage  not  a  hunderd  milds  from  these 
diggins.  Onless  Bowerygard  and  Johnstun  back  down,  thar'll 
be  a  battle  on  the  Sulphurino  skale  afore  New  Years,  jest  as  shure 
as  Bellsabub  beleeves  in  broilin  brutal  braggarts  in  brimstun.  I 
could  say  more  but  mums  the  word  ontil  the  fo  is  beaten  to  a 
mummy. 

You  hed  a  jolly  time  in  New  York  I  larn  over  Opdike's  eleck- 
sin.  Well  you  hev  a  right  to  holler  now  youre  outer  the  Woods 
— both  Fernando  and  Benjamin.  Thar  was  plenty  of  cheatin  on 
thar  side  I  spose,  but  the  lottery  policy  doosent  dror  a  prize  in 
pollyticks  every  time. 

Hopin  that  a  new  erie  is  commensing  in  witch  all  tiine-sarving 
humbugs  will  be  swampt,  I  remain  hopefully, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XXXI. 

[Our  old  friend  seems  to  be  a  good  deal  exercised  on  the  negro 
question,  and  although  we  may  not  exactly  agree  with  him,  we 
have  no  objection  to  his  ventilating  his  opinions  through  our 
columns. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  December  13,  1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

Ime  afeard  the  omnipleasant  nigger  is  goin  to  make  trubble 
here  this  winter.  Thars  sed  to  be  a  congresshinal  majority  in 
favor  of  placin  our  arms  in  his  hands  and  makin  a  milentary 
cumraid  and  bruther  of  him.  A  sartain  New  England  Sennytur 
hes  redooced  the  propersishin  to  black  and  white,  and  intends  to 
interduce  a  woolley-head  Bill  in  the  Sennit,  embracin  his  idees. 
Wun  thing  is  beyont  contraversy — namely  that  publick  opinyun 
here  is  very  mcey  versy.  Ef  Congress  passes  the  meshur,  the 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  93 

President  will  probly  cum  down  on  it  with  his  offishal  nigger- 
tive.  Mutch  as  I  admire  our  Afrikin  friend  I  don't  think  we 
could  afford  to  swop  the  best  white  sojer  in  the  Union  for  him, 
and  as  Ginral  Maclellin  would  onquestenably  resine  ef  Sambo 
was  put  in  uniform,  I  predicate  we  lied  better  let  our  ebony 
feller  creturs  shell  corn,  and  our  white  brethren  with  har  on 
their  heads  shell  the  rebels.  The  Sunday  Merkary  I  bleve  is 
slitely  inklined  to  carry  Afriky  inter  the  war,  and  so  far  as 
sholderin  "  de  shovel  and  de  ho  "  to  dig  ditches  and  raze  airth- 
wurks  is  consarned,  I  go  in  for  it  too ;  but  when  it  cums  to  shol- 
derin the  musket,  thars  no  culler  of  resin  for  it,  when  we've 
got  six  hunderd  thousand  white  fokes  in  the  feeld.  Prehaps  the 
best  thing  we  ken  do  with  our  Ethiopian  cussin  is  to  wurk  him 
and  pay  him  doorin  the  war,  and  send  him  whar  he  ken  keep 
hisself  too  hisself  afterwards.  Sum  years  ago  we  was  goin  to 
buy  the  Sandwitch  Hands.  Why  wouldn't  that  be  a  fust  rate 
locashin  for  "  persons  held  to  serve  us,"  as  the  Constitooshin  hes 
it?  Arter  bein  treated  all  their  lives  as  Sons  of  Ham,  they 
would  in  coarse  be  glad  to  be  colonized  among  the  Sandwitches. 

Good  tidins  is  looked  for  frum  the  Mussysippy  purty  recently. 
The  gunboat  squadrun  is  now  reddy,  and  ef  the  flowtiller  doosent 
git  inter  a  tight  place,  or  run  agen  a  snag,  the  Father  of  Waters 
will  sun  be  ourn  from  St.  Louis  to  whar  it  debauches  inter  the 
sea.  The  advantidge  of  this  moovrnent  must  be  a  parent  to  all, 
for  at  present  we  oney  hold  the  river  to  Cairo,  heving  so  far  found 
it  onpossabul  to  get  a  step  father. 

Orders  hes  ben  isssod,  I  onderstand,  to  raise  the  rebel  block- 
head on  the  lower  Potomac,  and  Bragadear  Ginral  Sickles  is  sed 
to  be  on  the  Key  veve  for  a  brush  with  the  disunionists  in  that 
f  ejin.  He's  a  fine  man  is  Ginral  Sickles,  and  ef  he's  as  mutch 
beloved  by  his  sojers  now  as  he  was  when  on  Staten  Hand,  thar 
isent  wun  of  em  as  wouldent  cherfully  foller  him  to  his  deth. 

Abe  and  his  lady  is  both  in  salubrus  helth,  and  feel  confident 
that  the  North  and  South  will  shortly  lay  down  together  as  the 
lion  and  the  lamb  did  in  Pairodice,  afore  the  lamb  was  awar  that 
the  lion  had  a  hankerin  arter  mutton.  The  venabul  Head  of  the 
Nashin  hes  been  a  good  deal  intersted  in  the  Bible  kwotashins 
lately  published  in  the  noosepapers.  He  was  naterally  indignant 
to  find  em  bogus,  and  that  he  had  sairtched  the  skripters  in  vain. 
But  it  warnt  altogether  in  vain  nuther,  for  he  informt  me  he  hed 
drived  great  consolashin  from  the  Book  of  Sams,  and  speshily 
from  Sam  Forty,  verse  seven.  On  turnin  to  the  passidge  I  found 
these  sole  refreshin  words  "  MANASSES  is  MINE,"  witch  I  hope 


94  WAB    LETTEBS     OP 

it  will  prooye  so.  I  subjested  howscver  that  ef  we  kommence 
firing  texts  at  the  Sutherners  they  rnought  giv  us  as  good  as  we 
sent  ef  not  more  so.  Frinstance  ses  I,  run  your  eyes  over  Isayer, 
and  in  wun  of  the  chapters  youll  diskiver  the  follerin  sentence  ".Z 
will  say  to  the  North  giv  up."  He  peered  to  be  rather  tuck  aback 
by  the  langwedge  of  the  profit ;  so  I  told  him  by  way  of  a  flyer 
that  accordin  to  Doctor  Cheever,  it  meant  as  the  North  should  giv 
up  to  the  abelishinists. 

The  yung  grandsuns  of  the  late  Loose  Fillup  seems  to  enjoy 
tharselves  here,  drinkin  thar  bumpers  of  shampain  and  shat- 
ter margo,  and  actin  as  aids  to  the  ginral-in-chief.  No  dout 
they'll  do  thar  dooty  when  it  cums  to  hard  nocks,  and  realize  the 
hopes  of  thar  galliant  uncle  the  Dook  of  A  Maul.  The  Prince 
of  Sam  Sam,  late  of  Prooshia,  is  also  figgering  around  consida- 
bul,  and  thars  several  Hungry  counts  as  wants  to  be  counted  in 
when  the  time  cums  for  pitchm  inter  the  secesh  humsteds. 
Sum  on  em  I  suspeck  warnt  of  much  a  count  whar  they  formally 
belonged.  But  war  brings  all  sorts  of  furrin  ware  to  the  surfiz. 
I  met  a  German  in  a  major's  uniform  in  Willard's  Sally  Manger 
yesterday,  as  I  seen  standin  opposit  Saint  Paul's  church  in  New 
York  not  rnore'n  two  mouths  ago,  with  a  basket  full  of  young 
puddle  dorgs  for  sale. 

As  was  to  be  andizzypated,  John  Bull  was  tuck  with  a  ver- 
teego  it  seems  when  he  heered  of  Slydell  and  Mason's  captor,  but 
I  reckin  arter  tossen  his  horns  a  spell  he'll  dror  em  in.  Nobody 
here  is  skared  a  mite  about  the  maggot  he's  got  inter  his  head. 
Let  him  take  keer  we  don't  hawl  him  over  the  coals  for  aideu 
and  cumfurten  the  vile  incinderary,  Pegram  and  his  feller 
pints. 

Trustin  that  a  collushin  with  the  enemee  will  come  off  afore  the 
contractors  hev  sacked  all  the  Guvernments  reddy  rino,  Iremane 
with  grate  devoshin  to  the  Sunday  Merkary,  the  President,  and 
the  Nayshinal  Egul, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEB. 


No.  XXXII. 

[We  place  the  firmest  reliance  on  our  correspondent's  confi- 
dent prediction  that  peace  will  be  preserved.    His  opportunities 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  95 

for  ascertaining  the  intentions  of  the  President  on  all  important 
points  are  of  a  kind  not  enjoyed  by  any  other  writer  for  the 
press  in  "Washington.  There  is  no  danger  of  a  collision  with 
England  at  the  present  crisis.  But,  as  the  "  Disbanded"  hints, 
a  time  may  4ome  ! — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  December  20, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkai-y : 

So  the  British  lion's  tail's  a  waggin,  and  the  wun  horned 
fablus  animal  as  doos  the  Circus  pony  bizness  on  the  uther  side 
of  the  English  diedam  has  assumed  a  buttin  attitood  arid  the 
munkey  of  the  hull  Rile  menadjery  is  considabully  up.  The 
sellybrated  American  War  Fowl,  as  makes  his  nest  in  the  thun- 
der cloud,  and  roosts  on  a  streek  of  litenin,  and  looks  the  blazin 
sun  right  in  the  eye,  is  also  eggsighted — sum.  But  He  bet  a  gold 
peace  to  a  Bellona  sossidge,  thar  wont  be  no  war.  I  spose  all 
the  Wall  street  flneseers  and  stock-jobbers  is  brakin  out  in 
goose  pemples  at  the  thort  of  it.  Tell  the  misabul  moneymaniacs 
to  cam  thar  felines  and  not  let  the  threts  of  the  British  press  to 
give  us  rats  wurry  em  enny. 

Evrybody  sposed  that  snakin  the  rebel  plenipenitentiariea 
from  onder  the  British  flag  would  caws  an  angry  crow  from 
evry  cockney  Chapman.  When  the  Trent  reached  the  Thames 
in  coarse  thar  was  an  orful  moovin  of  the  waters.  But  tho  John 
Bull's  choler  was  up,  his  best  stock  went  down,  witch  shows 
that  altho  a  stiff-necked  animal,  the  idee  of  a  fight  with  the  Yan- 
kees gin  him  a  pain  in  his  pocket.  Thar'll  be  an  allmity  big 
tork,  but  no  shindy.  Wove  no  time  to  tend  to  outside  bizness 
till  the  Cotton  States  is  flaxed  out,  and  John,  arter  considerin 
the  barings  of  the  hull  matter  over  his  pipe  and  his  pewter,  will 
find  out  that  the  game  aint  worth  the  taller,  and  be  in  no  hurry 
to  pitch  inter  his  best  customer  without  resin.  I  calkilate  thar- 
fore  that  arter  an  all-thnnderin  waste  of  paper  and  red  tape,  it 
will  all  eend  in  asshoorances  of  the  most  distingwished  consid- 
erashin. 

The  thing  hes  got  to  be  argufied,  ennyhow.  I  like  Wilkses 
grit,  but  ef  that  son  of  Neptin  went  further  than  he'daughter, 
the  missdeed  must  be  disdained  and  Brittania  mollyfied.  Loose 
Napollyon  proposes,  they  say,  to  act  as  abittraitor,  and  as  he 
wunst  was  a  London  perleeceman  he  aughter  know  how  to  keep 
the  peace.  Sum  thinks  he'd  be  glad  to  jine  England,  ef  she's 
inklined  for  a  crewsaid  agen  us,  to  give  emplyment  to  his  sir- 
plush  navy  and  divert  the  publick  mind  from  hum  affairs.  Its 


96  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

my  opinyun  as  the  newy  of  his  unkil  zs  raytlier  in  a  bad  fix ; 
but  with  an  empty  treshury  I  dont  see  how  he  ken  help  England 
or  even  hisself,  onless  he  goes  to  his  nnkil  at  the  Mount  de  Piety 
and  puts  his  regaly  up  the  spout  to  raise  the  wind. 

But  ennyways  its  our  place  to  calkilate  all  the  chances  and 
keep  cool.  In  the  present  crysis,  brutherly  felines  and  consilly- 
tory  purceedins  tords  furrin  powers  is  our  dooty  as  devoted  Chris- 
tians. When  weve  roped  in  the  South  we  kin  tend  to  the 
Europyens  (darn  em !),  but  not  afore.  "  Peace  on  airth  and  Good 
Will  to  Men,"  should  be  the  nayshinal  watchwurd  ontil  arter 
Jeff  Davis,  Floyd,  Pickens  and  cumpany,  is  hung. 

Bennett  I  notis  is  dooin  his  darndest  to  help  his  Suthren 
frends,  by  urgin  the  North  to  get  up  a  war  with  England.  The 
seeceshers  here  say  he's  the  trooest  frend  they  hev  on  the  foot- 
stool, and  that  altho  the  Suthern  pus  is  rayther  low,  he  lies  oney 
to  speak  ef  he  wants  more  of  the  yaller  stuff  outer  their  corrup- 
shin  fund.  They're  not  without  gratitood — these  rebels.  I  hope 
no  harm  will  ever  happen  to  Bennett ;  but  if  thar  doosent,  its  a 
pruff  that  the  "  wages  of  sin"  hes  ben  considabully  redooced 
sense  the  New  Testament  was  issood. 

I  hed  a  long  confab  with  Honest  Old  Abe  yestday  arter  he 
receved  the  dispatches  by  the  steamer.  His  spirts  was  as  good 
as  wheat,  and  he  got  off  several  cannondrums  of  the  loudest 
kind.  He  was  about  hafe  way  throo  with  a  speshil  messidge  to 
Congress  and  he  axed  me  why  it  warn't  like  the  Bible.  I  caved 
in  without  a  neffort,  and  he  sed  with  an  engagin  smile,  that  it 
disresembled  the  Bible  bekase  it  warn't  wholly  writ. 

Then  he  worked  away  on  his  onfinished  messidge  for  a  wile ; 
but  held  up  suddently,  as  ef  sumthin  hed  occurd  to  him,  and 
inkwired  ef  I  knew  why  his  pen  was  like  his  cabbynet. 

"  I  reckin,"  ses  I,  "  it's  bekase  it's  fust  rate  and  goes  along 
smooth  and  easy." 

"  No,  my  slo  frend,"  he  replide  sharply,  "  the  resin  is  thars  an 
onwriteous  big  split  in  it." 

"  But,"  ses  I,  "  obnockshus  Cabbynet  advisers  isent  like  pens." 

"  Why  not?"  ses  he. 

"  Bekase,"  ses  I,  with  a  confidenshal  wink,  "  they  hev  never 
ben  considerd  stationery." 

The  blessed  old  man  larfed  all  over.  It  doosent  take  much  to 
tickel  him. 

When  he  hed  cumposed  hisself,  I  axed  him  wot  sort  of  an 
anser  was  goin  out  to  the  British  guverrnent  to-day,  remarkin 
that  ef  it  was  onderstood  the  Canarder  hed  carrid  out  an  onfa- 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  97 

vorable  reply  thar'd  likely  be  some  lame  ducks  in  Wall  street 
albre  long. 

He  prornply  rejined  that  thar  was  nuthin  in  the  dispatches  per 
Afriky  to  warrant  enny  black  forebodins. 

"Is  the  blasted  plenipenitentiaries  to  be  gin  up?"  ses  I  (I 
couldent  help  it). 

"  We  shall  purtest  agin  it  ef  we  do  it !"  he  responded. 

"  So  will  the  nashin,  line  afeard,"  ses  I. 

"Mebbe  so,"  he  exclamed,  thortfully;  "but  it's  all  for  the 
best." 

"  Couldent  we  keep  wun  of  the  hang-dog  raskils  ?"  ses  I, 
feroshusly ;  for  I  felt  real  wurmy  at  the  idee  of  thar  squinnin 
outer  our  hands.  "  Couldent  we  giv  em  Mason  and  keep  that 
slippery  son  of  a  soap-biler,  Slydell,  Avho's  as  full  of  lies  as  wun 
of  his  father's  vats  ?" 

"  Ah !"  ansered  the  venabul  statesman,  "  I  know  wot  your 
felines  is,  old  boy,  and  mine's  jest  as  wulfy.  But  we  kant  afford 
lucksirees  at  present.  We  must  finish  one  shindy  afore  we  pitch 
inter  anuther." 

He  was  right,  Eddyturs,  he  was  right ;  but  rath  will  keep  ef 
its  bottled  up  keerfully  for  futur  use  ;  and  in  the  meantime  we 
kin  let  the  South  hev  a  few  vials  of  it,  hot  and  hevvy. 

All  the  bar-rum  pollytishins  here  is  torkin  turkey  about  seesin 
Canady,  and  smashin  things  genally,  in  the  Herald  stile ;  but 
that'll  be  no  war,  and  that  ile  gambol  on. 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER 


No.  XXXTH. 

The  fire  and  vigor  which  usually  characterize  the  letters  of 
the  spunky  Old  Soldier  are  not  as  conspicuous  as  usual  in  the 
following  communication.  It  seems  as  if  the  concessions  made, 
or  to  be  made,  by  our  Government  to  John  Bull,  on  account  of 
the  Trent  affair,  and  the  do-nothing  policy  of  the  military  author- 
ities at  Washington,  had  produced  a  depressing  effect  on  the 
spirits  of  the  brave  old  man.  We  fear  that  the  Grand  Army  of 
the  Potomac  is  destined  to  inglorious  inaction  for  the  next  three 
months — though  we  hope  otherwise.  No  wonder  that  our  vet- 
5 


98  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

eran  friend  chafes  at  the  idea  of  Tiy~bernoMng  within  a  few  hours' 
march  of  an  enemy  inferior  in  numbers,  poorly  clothed,  and  by 
no  means  a  match  for  the  Federal  cohorts  either  in  artillery- 
practice  or  in  close  encounter.  He  cannot  understand  it — 
neither  can  AVC — neither  can  the  People. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  December  27, 1861. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

Poplar  fury  sun  rises  to  a  grate  hight  in  this  kentry,  but  altho 
AVC  git  up  a  tree  allmity  rapid  (as  is  the  case  ginally  with  peeple 
in  ardent  climes),  yet  our  eggsightinent  kwickly  sobsides,  and 
then  we  air  Avillin  to  consider  the  subjeck  cooly  in  all  its 
branches.  Setch  has  ben  the  case  in  the  Sam  Jasinto  and  Trent 
dissentshun.  At  fust  our  Ebbynesir  Avas  up,  and  even  I  Avent  it 
on  the  loud  for  an  emute  with  England.  Naterally  enufF  in  the 
fust  instants,  we  thort  John  Bull  wanted  to  take  advantidge  of 
our  diiferculties,  and  we  called  him  a  mean  cuss ;  but  as  sun's 
AVC  sor  he  manyfisted  a  dispersishin  to  disgust  the  matter  in  an 
amacobble  sperit,  our  guvermcnt  sed  at  Avunst  with  the  utmost 
libriilty  and  afubility — "  Spit  it  out,  Old  Buffer,  and  ef  youve 
been  ronged  in  a  matter  of  etliketty,  we'll  make  it  all  right,  right 
away."  JoLn,  Avho  isent  a  bad  feller,  considerin  he's  a  furriner 
and  doosent  speak  English  as  goo.l  as  we  do,  was  mitily  sweet- 
end  up  by  this  mark  of  caiidysensliin,  and  rcplide,  "Hiliassent 
• — Hirne  satisfied."  So  the  rumpuss  may  be  lucked  on  as  over, 
an.l  all  dannger  of  a  bluddy  catastrophy  at  an  eend. 

Ssward,  they  do  say,  lies  played  his  kcards  all-thunderin  crafty 
in  this  bizness.  He  represented  to  the  British  ambassydor  that 
nuthin  Avould  please  Loose  Napollyon  better "n  to  see  England 
and  the  United  States  pitchiu  inter  Avun  anuther,  hopin,  in 
coarse,  that  Brittannia,  in  the  eend,  \vould  ketch  a  tartar.  As 
Lyons  hates  the  Enipror  wus  than  pisin,  this  veAV  of  the  case 
gin  a  soft  and  silky  turn  to  the  negoshiashins.  and  the  way  they 
liundeld  the  kwcstin  wa°  so  all-flatterin  smooth  and  plesent  that 
noboddy  could  a  sposed  ihar  was  eiiny  sharp  claAVs  onderneath 
the  velvet. 

Ginral  Scott's  letter,  too,  dun  a  heep  of  good,  and  his  return 
from  Payris  Avith  a  sekrit  vnessidge  to  our  Guverrnent  from  L.  N. 
was  jest  in  the  nick  of  time  to  prevent  an  internayshmal  mill,  or, 
as  a  Cockney  sed  to  me  at  "VVillard's  to-day,  it  Avas  "  singlarly 
hoppertune." 

The  sojers  at  Arlinton  Hights  feested  high  on  Christmas  Day. 
line  afeard  thar  isent  poltery  eniiff  left  for  seed  in  that  neybrood, 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  09 

f-  _ 

Gobblers  was  cornfisticated,  ducks  was  abduckted,  fouls  was 
oiifairly  dealt  with,  and  I  calkilate  from  \vot  I  heerd  of  the 
explites  of  our  brave  defenders  among  that  speeshy  of  birds  as 
wunst  saved  the  Capital,  that  most  on  em  is  sound  on  the  goose. 

Every  entrenchment  was  a  Fort  Pickings,  and  when  it  cum  to 
an  attact  on  the  wings  and  brestworks  evry  ridgement  dun  its 
dooty. 

Wile  the  rank  and  file  was  eggsirsizin  thar  teeth  on  the  fetherd 
creashiu  without  distinckshin  of  age  or  sect,  the  oS'sirs  was 
bankwetting  at  thar  kwarters,  and  by  all  ackounts  they  dident 
do  things  by  haves.  They  sellybrated  the  jovil  ockashin  with 
few  dejoys  of  sham  pain  and  wished  wun  anuther  inenny  happy 
returns,  tell  thar  skins  was  as  full  of  hidesick  as  Low's  balloon 
is  of  hydrygin  when  he  goes  on  a  lark  inter  the  clouds.  Not  as 
cuny  on  em  got  tite  and  went  in  for  a  bust.  They  kept  thai-selves 
right  side  up  with  keer ;  and  ef  the  fo  hed  cum  they  would  hev 
found  em  cummy  fo.  In  coarse  the  gals  they  left  beliint  em  was 
drunk  with  the  biggest  kinder  "  hips !"  and  nuthin  was  wantin 
but  the  actil  presents  of  the  safter  sect  to  make  it  as  jolly  a  nan- 
nyversery  as  ever  cum  off  anywars.  All  that  eucherd  the 
galliant  yung  offsirs  was  they  lied  to  go  it  alone. 

Sum  of  the  tosts  (both  reglar  and  volunteer)  desplayed  consid- 
abnl  gumpshin.  A  list  of  uppards  of  fifty  hes  ben  kindly  fur- 
nisht  me  by  the  orthurs,  from  witch  I  hev  cut  the  follerin.  The 
spellin  is  theirn,  not  mine,  so  Inie  not  responsibul  for  errors. 

By  an  officer  of  the  Sixty-ninth — Our  Sell-tick  friends — the 
Sutlers. 

By  a  Zouave  Captain — The  Pet  Lambs — so  called  becaus  they 
always  lam  their  enemies. 

By  a  Lieutenant  of  the  Seventy-ninth — The  Kilt.  (Owing  to 
a  slight  misapprehension  of  this  toast,  it  was  drunk  by  the 
officers  of  the  Sixty-ninth  standing  and  in  silence.) 

By  a  Boston  artillery  officer — Federal  shells — wherever  they 
burst  in  the  land  of  slaves  may  the  yoke  be  broken 

By  a  romantic  aid  de  camp — Soon  may  the  winter  of  our 
discontent  be  cheered  by  a  glorious  march. 

By  a  Major  in  the  Rifles — May  we  soon  have  something 
better  to  shoot  at  than  Folly  as  it  flies. 

By  a  cavalry  Colonel — Heaven  send  us  manlier  work  than 
killing  Time. 

The  rest  is  purty  much  in  the  same  vane — most  on  em  bein 
clamrush  for  a  forrard  moovemeut.  The  hull  army  hates  the 
idee  of  layin  asleep  all  winter  like  a  doormouse.  They  air 


100  WAB    LETTEKS    OF 

wulfy  ankshus  to  make  the  enemee's  fur  fly,  and  kant  see  the 
objeck  of  setch  a  long  paws. 

Hopin  they  will  be  allowed  fitin  enuff  to  keep  thar  blud  in 
sirkelashin  and  thar  weepins  from  bein  eaten  with  rust,  I 
remain,  with  grate  contempt  for  sartain  slow  coaches  that  shell  be 
nameless, 

Yours  alms, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XXXIV. 

[When  the  old  fellow  plants  himself,  rolls  up  his  shirt-sleeves, 
and  "  goes  in"  for  a  rough-and-tumble  assault  on  corruption  in  its 
strongholds,  it  is  worth  while  to  stand  by  and  look  on.  We  call 
attention  to  the  body-blows  he  pours  into  official  thievery  and  all 
its  pets  and  myrmidons.  No  carpet-knight  is  he,  when  Wrong 
is  to  be  challenged,  denounced,  and  assailed.  Brave  old  boy ! 
we  like  your  spunk,  and  say  Amen !  to  your  righteous  maledic- 
tions.— EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  January  3,  1862. 
Eddyturs  of  tTie  Sunday  MerJcary : 

Sartainly  we  Americans  air  Jobs,  every  man  of  uz.  Sum  few 
may  chafe  and  feel  sore  at  the  idee  of  never  cumming  to  the 
scratch  with  the  enemee,  while  the  kentry  is  goin  to  the  devil, 
but  the  Nayshin  in  ginral  bares  it  all  with  a  payshint  smild.  A 
nrillyun  of  dollars  is  payed  out  daily,  and  wots  to  show  for  it  ? 
Wunst  a  week  or  so,  thars  a  skrimmidge  surnwhars,  and  mebbe 
twenty  or  thirty  rebels  killed  and  wownded  and  mebbee  not. 
Evry  secesher  we  rub  out  costs  the  North  about  a  hunderd 
thousand  dollars,  and  prisners  of  war,  at  the  lowest  figger,  fifty 
thousand  dolors  a  peace.  Ef  you  no  of  enny  mathermatishin 
as  ken  calkilate  the  cost  of  flaxin  the  South,  accordin  to  that 
skale  of  prices,  I  wisht  you  to  hev  it  dun,  bekase  I  think  a 
skwint  at  the  sum  totil  mought  wake  up  the  American  people, 
and  show  em  the  pressopeace  tords  witch  thar  clrivin. 

An  aiveridge  dividend  of  not  more'n  thirty  ded  rebels  a  week, 
on  a  weekly  dispersement  of  milljruns  of  dolors,  peers  at  the 
first  glanst  rayther  a  slim  return.  But  I  hope  noboddy  wurries 
about  it,  bekase  purty  sun  the  tacks-getherers  will  be  along  and 
then  we  shall  pay  all  our  dets  down  on  the  nail,  and  ef  we  chuse 
to  give  the  hyest  price  for  milentary  lucksirees,  whose  bizness  i3 


A    DISBANDED     VOLTJNTEEB.  101 

it  ?  Hevent  we  all  ben  makin  our  piles  for  the  last  kwarter  of  a 
sentry,  and  aint  we  eenauiost  tired  of  seein  ern  grow  and  raountin 
gard  over  em  ?  Isent  tliar  gold  enuff  in  Califoruy  and  Oregon 
and  cetery  to  remunnyrate  the  brave  defenders  of  our  kentry 
and  satisfy  the  multitood  of  all  lired  theeves  that  naterally 
belongs  to  a  grate  rnilentary  establishment  ?  Can't  we  dig  it  up 
and  fork  it  over  jest  as  eesy  as  shuvelling  peach-blows  outer  a 
tater-patch  ?  So  ef  we  want  to  play  at  war  on  the  protracted 
meetin  prencepul,  wots  to  hender  us  ? 

The  last  parrygraft  is  intended  sourcastically.  Sourcasm,  they 
say,  is  a  powerful  weepiu,  and  ef  I  ken  use  it  so  as  to  gode  my 
kentrymen  outer  thar  leathargy,  and  indooce  them  to  lift  up  thar 
vices  and  make  thai-selves  heerd  by  the  slow-coinotives  and  doo- 
nuthins  at  Washington,  I  shant  waste  my  stashinery  in  vain. 
Cheatin  and  robbery  of  a  nater  as  would  dror  tears  of  indignashin 
from  the  eyes  of  State  Prison  convicks,  flurishes  in  evry  depart- 
ment of  the  public  sarvis,  from  sutlers  up  to  seckatries,  and 
thar's  no  chanst  of  the  conflicks  bein  brort  to  a  close  while  it 
continnees. 

As  long  as  the  War  Goose  lays  goldin  eggs  in  the  nest  of  cor- 
rupshin,  thar'll  be  plenty  of  cacklin,  but  no  concloosiv  fightin. 
Upon  the  honor  of  an  old  sojer,  as  never  tuck  the  vally  of  a 
chaw  of  tobacker  over  and  abuv  his  jest  doo,  I  bleve  that  ef  sum 
twenty  of  the  mercynary  hangers  on  of  the  guverment  could  be 
strung  up  without  mercy  on  Capitol  Hill  to-morrer  mornin,  it 
would  do  more  to  shorten  the  war  than  a  big  victry  over 
the  insirgents.  And  mark  wot  I  say! — it  will  cum  to  sum- 
thin  of  that  kind  in  the  cend.  Ef  the  guverment  doosent  make 
a  vertoo  of  necessty,  the  people  will.  When  the  skrews  is  put  to 
evry  man's  individyal  pocket  by  the  federal  collectors,  let  the 
all-plunderin  vagabones  of  contractors  luck  to  thar  necks.  The 
hemp's  growd  and  twisted  that'll  strangel  sum  of  em  yet.  Isacur 
is  an  ass  that  stoops  atween  two  burdius.  He  ken  stagger  along 
cherfully  onder  slagnashin  in  trade  and  the  fare  cost  of  a  war, 
but  ef  on  top o'  that  you  keep  a  pilin  the  devils  own  cxtrees  till 
his  back  bone  begins  to  crack,  up  goes  his  blessed  old  heels  at 
last,  and  then  bewar  of  the  exassprated  animal. 

I  reckin  that  outer  the  three  hundred  and  odd  inillyuns  of 
dolors  eggspendecl  senst  last  March,  a  good  seventy-five  millyuns 
lies  gon  in  cheatins,  shavins,  and  theevins.  The  itums  will 
never  be  known  tell  the  grate  day  when  all  ackounts  is  balanced, 
and  the  sheep  lies  the  satisfackshin  of  seein  the  billy-goats  as 
butted  them  on  airth  sent  whar  they  belong. 


103  W  A  B     LETTERS     OF 

I  persooin  the  swinclcl  on  bosses  alone  amounts  to  considabul 
over  a  niillyun,  and  as  to  the  shoddy  shave,  ef  you  put  it  down 
at  the  uiodcrat  aivridge  of  five  dollars  a  man  for  the  hull  army, 
thar  s  three  millyuus  more.  Evrything  else  hes  ben  furnisht  on 
the  same  paytriolick  skale  of  profits,  and  in  the  West  it  is  seel  a 
very  purty  bizness  is  dun  in  sellin  fewill  to  the  guvernment 
agents  at  twenty  per  cent  above  its  vally,  and  then  stealin  it  and 
sellin  it  to  em  agen  at  a  small  advance  on  the  oridgenal  swindel. 
I  hevent  heerd  of  ennyboddys  bein  hauled  over  the  coals  for  pur- 
suin  this  new  cut-and-curn-agen  sistein  of  diggin  inter  the 
treshury,  but  I  larn  on  the  contrary  from  a  frend  in  Congress 
that  it  is  spoken  of  as  a  remarkabul  speciment  of  American  genus 
by  sum  of  the  guverment  offishalls,  and  that  ef  the  inventor  was 
to  apply  at  the  pay  tent  offis  he  could  git  the  right  skewerd  to 
him  for  all  the  Nuthern  States  without  the  slytest  trubble. 

Honest  Old  Abe's  hands  is  clean,  but  wot  ken  he  do?  He 
pilots  the  ship  of  state  as  well  as  he  nose  how,  but  the  pirits  is 
too  strong  for  him.  While  he  stands  at  the  helium  theyre  all  the 
while  brakin  cargo,  and  onless  he  hed  as  many  eyes  as  he  hes 
liars  on  his  skalp,  he  couldent  watch  the  theeves  on  the  kwartcr 
deck,  to  say  nuthin  of  the  gangs  of  villins  continally  swarmin 
up  the  sides,  and  snakin  thar  way  throo  the  port  holes,  and 
swimmin  around  to  grab  wotever  thar  frends  on  board  lets  down 
over  the  stam  and  bulwarks,  and  throo  the  cabbin  winders. 
Congress,  howsever,  ken  do  smnthin,  and  onless  it  takes  meshers 
to  save  the  owdashis  skoundrils  from  poplar  fury,  bj  providin 
for  thar  saift-keepin  in  jails,  why  then,  as  I  sed  afore,  thar'll  be  a 
hangin  match  wun  of  these  days  that'll  astonish  all  corrupshin. 
Ef  the  peeple  wunst  takes  the  job  in  hand,  I  dont  seem  to  think 
as  high  conneckshins  at  Washington  will  save  sum  of  the  cheef 
plunderrnungers  from  makin  an  improvin  eeud  onder  the  awe- 
species  of  a  vigilants  committee.  Ive  seen  better  men  jerked 
inter  etarnity  in  Californy,  for  stealin  bosses  and  setch,  and  thar 
bodies  pitched  inter  a  trench  like  ded  dogs  by  the  peeple  in  Com- 
mittee of  the  Hole. 

It  is  rummerd  around  that  thars  to  be  an  advance  of  the  main 
army  in  about  two  weeks,  but  I  shell  never  bleve  it  ontil  I  hear 
the  drums  beat  and  the  trumpets  blow.  The  ginral  opinyun  of 
thortful  men  is  that  the  last  trumpet  will  sound  afore  thars  a  for- 
rard  moovement. 

Hopen  for  the  best  but  eggspectin  nuthin,  I  remane  in  disgust, 
Yours,  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEK. 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  103 

No.    XXXV. 

[In  the  following  characteristic  letter,  our  veteran  friend  and 
correspondent  completely  refutes  the  implied  charge  of  a  morn- 
ing journal,  that  he  was  guilty  of  having  invented  the  conver- 
sations purporting  to  have  taken  place  between  the  President  and 
himself,  which  have  at  several  times  appeared  in  his  Washing- 
ton letters,  published  in  this  paper.  The  formal  document,  es- 
tablishing the  fact  that  the  remarks  attributed  to  the  President 
by  "  The  Disbanded"  areas  authentic  as  anything  of  the  kind  that 
has  appeared  in  any  of  the  leading  presses  of  the  country,  seta  the 
question  entirely  at  rest. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  January  24, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sundny  MerlMry  : 

A  sartain  small  beer  Washington  curryspondent  as  delitcs  in 
brew  in  mischeef,  fizzles  out  the  follerin  in  yestday's  New  York 
Times.  He  ses  Mr.  Lincoln  rcmarkt  to  a  frend  "  that  his  privit 
conversashins''  was  not  for  noosepapers,"  and  likewise  that 
"  nuthin  from  him  was  wuth  repeatiu  ouless  it  hed  '  Abraham 
Lincoln'  sinccl  to  the  bottom." 

In  coarse  this  spurt  of  bitterness  is  intended  as  a  slop  at  me.  It 
is  fablus  an;l  liehellious — wun  of  the  numerus  shoddy  statements 
witch  the  "rolieable  gentlemen"  as  wurks  by  the  yard  for  tho 
daylie  press  is  continally  raanoofactoring  outer  hole  cloth. 

The  fact  is  that  the  ornary  noosepaper  curryspondints  here  is 
jellus  of  the  eggsalted  opin3'un  entertaned  of  me  by  the  Eggsegg- 
ative.  M}r  staiidin  at  the  seat  of  guvennent  is  higher'n  theirn. 
Mr.  Lincoln  never  axes  enny  of  that  class  of  suckers  to  a  teat-a- 
teat  with  him  in  his  privit  sanktum.  He  doosent  waste  his  can- 
nondrums  on  the  critters,  for  he  is  well  awar  that  ef  wun  of  his 
button-busters  was  fired  ainung  the  crowd  from  the  mouth  of  a 
ten-inch  Parrot,  the  hit  wouldentbe  appreshiated. 

I  hev  the  highest  orthority  for  sayin  that  my  frcnd  Abe  never 
reimrkt,  or  thort,  or  suspccktcd,  or  hed  the  idee,  or  eggspects  to 
Lev,  that  nuthin  from  him  is  wuth  repeatin  onless  it  hes  his  name 
to  it.  Contrarywisc,  he  thinks,  /think,  and  thinkin  men  in  gin- 
ral  thinks,  that  the  oflishal  clockyments  baring  his  signatoor 
doosent  cum  pair  "with  sum  of  his  wittyschisms  published  in  the 
SUNDAY  MEKKAHY.  He  doosent  desire  to  disown  'em ;  and  in 
order  that  setch  envyus  and  meudashus  statements  as  the  abnv 
from  the  Times  Curryspondeuce  may  not  hev  undoo  inileweuce 


104  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

on  the  publick  mind,  I  hev  ben  faverd  with  the  next  offishall 
triboot  to  iny  voracity,  for  insershin  in  your  collumes ! 

"  DISTRICT  OF  COLUMBIA,  ss. — Know  all  men  by  these  pres- 
ents, that  the  statements  of  conversations  between  'The  Dis- 
banded Volunteer'  and  the  present  Chief  Magistrate  of  the  United 
States,  published  from  time  to  time  in  the  New  York  SUNDAY 
MERCURY,  are  entitled  to  as  full  credence  and  belief  as  any  re- 
ports of  the  sayings  of  the  undersigned,  grave  or  gay,  wise  or 
otherwise,  which  have  appeared  in  the  New  York  daily  papers 
and  other  influential  American  presses  instituted  for  the  diffusion 
of  knowledge  among  men. 

*******.jj  "  In  witness  whereof,  I  have  hereunto  set  my  hand 
*  L.  s.  *  and  the  broad  seal  of  the  Republic,  this  twenty-third 
£*****#£  day  of  January,  A.  D\,  1862.  A.  L." 

Thar — a  short  horse  is  sun  curried,  and  I  reckin  the  currys- 
pondent  aforesed  will  be  mity  keerful  how  he  pervokes  anuther 
rub  from  me.  Wun  wurd  more  in  vindicashin  of  Mr.  Lincoln. 
The  ties  subsistin  atween  us  will  not  permit  me  to  see  him  drag- 
ged afore  the  publick  in  a  false  posishin.  A  New  York  jernil 
ses  he  deklard  last  week  as  he  hedent  peroozed  a  noosepaper  for 
a  munth.  Taint  so.  He  reeds  the  SUNDAY  MERKARY  evry 
week,  and  the  Newport  News  tellagraffie  dispatches  evry  day . 
and  bein  as  oncapabul  of  an  ontruth  as  Metamora  the  Forrest 
Child,  its  not  sposable  that  he  made  the  remark  a  scribed  to  him. 

The  affair  at  Mill  Crick,  Kaintucky,  hes  elevated  our  sperrits. 
The  tedeum  of  suspense  hes  ben  suckseeded  by  the  songs  of 
Victry.  It  will  thrill  the  hull  kentry  from  the  Chain  Bridge  at 
Washington  to  the  Golclin  Gate  of  Californy !  Fourteen  hun- 
derd  mules  tuck,  arter  an  obstnit  resistance !  What  will  Man- 
asses  say  to  that?  Ken  the  rebels  continny  the  war  for  me  any 
long  'ears  at  that  rate  ?  I  predicate  not.  And  the  flyin  fo  could- 
ent  wait  for  the  waggins.  We've  got  em  all  it  seems.  As  to 
thar  artillry  forces,  our  men  smasht  em  and  skewerd  all  thar 
heviest  pieces. 

Ginral  Thomases  name  is  on  evry  lip  here,  and  Ginral  Schoopf  s 
would  be  ef  enny  boddy  could  pernounce  it.  The  oney  way  to 
do  it  is  to  say  Shope,  and  then  put  your  upper  teeth  over  your 
onder  lip,  and  giv  setch  a  puff  as  the  old  wumman  did  when  she 
tried  to  blow  the  candle  out.  Wai,  it  desarves  a  puff  at  the  eend, 
ennyhow. 

The  fust  ackounts  of  the  fight,  bein  exofishy  (like  O.  C.  Kcrr's 
from  the  Mackarel  Brigade),  was  not  bleved  by  a  single  sole, 
but  evry  shadder  of  dout  was  soon  dizzypated  by  dispatches 
from  hed-kwarters.  The  fact  that  our  Ginral  Fry  hes  settled 
Zollycuffer's  hash,  creates  more  feline  amung  the  aristocratick 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  105 

rebel  symperthisers  here  than  the  suckumstance  of  three  hnn- 
derd  of  the  rank  and  file  bein  made  mincemeat  of.  Seecesshin 
lies  heel  a  lofty  fall,  and  no  mistake.  A  few  more  setch  Somer- 
sets, and  its  back-bone'll  snap. 

I  onderstand  that  Mrs.  Greenhow  and  Mrs.  Baxley,  the  two 
captive  dullsinners  as  feels  setch  a  deep  intrest  in  Jeff  Davis  and 
the  uther  Suthern  Nights  of  the  Rueful  Countenance,  lies  worn 
crape  on  the  left  arm  sents  the  noose  of  the  Union  victry  arrove. 
Ef  they  mount  a  fresh  strip  evry  time  Unkel  Sam's  right  arm 
strikes  from  the  sholder,  I  gess  they'll  be  purty  nigh  smuthered 
in  weeds  afore  six  weeks  is  over. 

Hopin  thar'll  be  anuther  batch  of  glorious  intelligents  by  post 
and  wire  afore  this  reaches  you  by  post  and  rail,  I  remane,  tri- 
umfantly,  Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XXXVI. 

[The  following  letter  seems  to  have  been  written  in  a  some- 
what gloomy  frame  of  mind,  and  we  don't  wonder  at  it.  The 
proceedings  at  Washington  are  not  of  a  character  to  elevate  the 
spirits  of  an  honest  patriot,  like  our  correspondent.  God  help 
the  country  if  its  sole  reliance  was  upon  the  wisdom  and  hon- 
esty of  some  of  its  executive  officers  and  representatives. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  January  31, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  tlie  Sunday  MerTcary : 

Peers  to  me  ef  this  war  continnees  long  enuff,  Floyd  and 
Toucey  may  loose  thar  repitashin  as  A  number  1  theeves  and 
skoundrils.  Thars  fellers  here  as  is  hard  onto  the  heels  of 
them  hullsail  depredators,  and  onless  sum  of  em  is  brort  up 
with  the  hangman's  lasso  purty  sun,  I  dont  no  but  theyll  be 
chorks  a  head  afore  the  Union's  saved.  Menny  thinks  as  the 
Navy  Department  wants  swobbing  out.  Sendin  honest  patryits 
to  see  in  setch  traps  for  the  onwary  as  the  transports  as  was 
nocked  to  peaces,  or  rayther  as  fell  to  peaces,  on  the  cost  of 
North  Caroliny,  and  furnishin  of  em  with  water  in  Kerosene  oil 
casks,  is  a  combmashin  of  enterprise  and  wilful  murder,  as 
wouldn't  be  past  over  in  silence  by  Nayshins  in  ginral.  Mebbe 
its  the  folt  of  my  Californy  edicashin  ;  but  it  doos  seem  to  me 
that  whar  orful  sufferin  and  loss  of  life  cums  of  theeving,  a 
5* 


106  WAR    LETTERS    OF 

little  hangin  would  be  an  improovin  spccktickle.  "When  I  was 
prospectin  at  the  mines,  I  used  to  think  that  Lynch  Law  was  on- 
civilized  and  perumptory,  but  senst  Ive  mingled  in  sosity  at 
Washington  Ive  cum  to  vew  it  in  a  milder  light. 

The  buty  of  the  raskality  that  prevales  onder  our  enlitencd 
guverment  is  that  the  sponsability  rests  nowhars.  The  swindlin 
in  the  War  Department  hes  ben  of  a  natur  and  extent  to  make  a 
saint  blastfeem,  but  the  Seckatry  cums  outer  the  sink  of  inickity 
with  outer  a  stain  on  his  ofllshall  garments.  He  hod  nuthin  to 
do  with  the  contracks.  It  was  the  heads  of  the  burrows.  And 
the  heads  of  the  burrows  puts  it  onto  the  guverment  agents,  and 
tliey  put  it  onto  the  devil,  I  spose.  Then  the  Navy  Department 
begins  to  smell  fishy,  but  the  late  Postmaster  and  small  poli- 
tishin  of  Hartford,  as  navigates  the  consarn,  doosent  ketch  the 
flavor  of  it  even  when  Congress  stirs  up  the  corrupshin  onder 
his  nose. 

As  to  Congress,  it  seems  to  be  takin  a  cumfortable  snooze  rite 
on  the  edge  of  a  fienanshil  volcany.  Guverment  credit  is  goin 
to  Tofit  both  to  hum  and  abrod,  and  the  tax  bill  witch  is  the 
oney  pennj'sea  for  the  evil,  hangs  by  the  ilids  in  a  doo-nuthin 
committy.  O  !  its  enulf  to  make  enny  troo  American  swar  in 
church,  to  think  how  this  great  and  glorus  kentry  is  bully-rag- 
ged and  molltreated  and  kwack-doctered,  in  her  hour  of  diifcr- 
kulty.  It  doos  seem  as  ef  the  breed  of  our  great  men  and  troo 
patryits  had  gin  out  with  the  Clays  and  Websters,  and  that  oney 
rubbish  remaned  behind.  The  idee  of  puttin  a  stomp  dooty  on 
noosepapers  shows  what  sort  of  critters  hes  been  sent  to  Congress 
from  sartain  deestricks.  Howsever  I  dont  bleve  the  House  hes 
.  arrove  at  setch  a  pitch  of  loonacy  as  to  pitch  hed  foremost  inter 
the  press.  Ef  it  should  I  reckin  the  Sennit  would  hev  the  gump- 
shin  to  put  a  stopper  on  the  meshur,  and  failin  that  surely  Old 
Abe  would  stomp  his  foot  down  on  setch  an  act  of  wus  than 
furrin  clesputism. 

But  I  ken  tell  you,  Eddyturs,  thars  a  gang  of  onscroopalus 
raskils  herevas  is  wurkin  day  and  nite  to  git  a  claws  inter  the 
ginral  tax  bill  that'll  kill  the  kentry  press.  The  heads  of  the 
rnoovement  is  the  emiseries  of  a  sartain  New  York  press  whoos 
artickles  reconimendin  the  confisticashion  of  English  property 
hes  ruined  our  credit  in  England  and  indooced  the  holders  of 
our  skewrities  thar  to  sell  out  as  fast  as  they  ken.  This  consarn 
eggspects  to  make  $200,000  a  year  by  a  stomp  dooty  ef  it  ken  be 
put  throo,  and  more'n  a  duzzin  agints  is  lobbyin  like  devils  in- 
garnet  to  effeck  that  objeck. 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  107 

The  President  Is  in  a  cherful  frame  of  mind,  but  Ime  sorry  t< 
say  hces  gettin  to  be  rayther  obstnit.  The  old  man  and  the  Sen 
nit  dooscnt  goinside  in  thar  yews.  Frinstance  they  censhur  hir- 
pnriickler  frend  and  former  pardner  Mr.  Layman,  the  niarshi! 
of  the  Deestrick,  and  the  Eggsegative  by  way  of  hittin  back, 
makes  him  master  of  the  serimonies  at  the  White  House,  when 
the  Sennyturs  call  to  pay  thar  respecks.  Sum  ses  this  is  acten 
with  dignifide  firmness,  but  uthers  as  hev  no  axes  to  grind,  givo 
it  a  diffrent  name  witch  my  intimit  relashins  with  the  President 
up  to  the  present  time,  forbids  me  to  put  in  black  and  white. 
Possably  he  may  giv  me  the  cold  sholder  for  makin  these  re- 
marks— but  publick  interests  afore  privit  frendship. 

I  notis  by  the  late  noose  from  Dixie  that  the  buty  and  fashion 
of  seeceshy  is  invited  to  contriboot  the  old  woolins  of  thar 
wardrubs,  to  make  cartridges  to  shoot  the  northin  mudsills. 
Flannel  pettycotes  and  Balmorall  skearts  thankfully  receved  at 
the  rebel  war  ofilz,  witch  bein  in  a  pawper  condishin  cant  afford 
to  buy  the  stuff  to  rap  its  ammynishin  in.  This  fack  takin  in 
conneckshin  with  the  sad  intelligence  that  the  chilclrin  of 
the  F.  F.  V.'s  is  runnin  about  the  streets  of  Richinound  bar-foot, 
and  that  the  toes  of  the  highest  sirkels  is,  as  a  ginral  thing,  throo 
thar  boots  and  gayters,  must  be  very  gallin  to  the  natral  aristo- 
crazy  of  the  land.  line  afeard  ef  the  war  lasts  a  year  longer, 
thar'll  skarse  be  duds  enuif  for  decency  among  the  shiverally 
and  thar  wives  and  darters.  When  it  comes  to  takin  the  wim- 
mins  pettycotes  for  gun  waddin,  thars  no  sayin  what  shifts  tho 
army  may  be  put  too,  or  what  artickle  of  female  onderclothin 
may  be  next  reckwired. 

Every  boddy  here  is  on  the  look  out  for  startlin  bulletens  from 
sum  of  the  numerus  seats  of  war,  but  whether  they'll  cum  or  not 
is  another  kwestin.  Thars  ben  so  menny  disappintments  that  it 
isent  wuth  wile  to  flap  wuns  wings  in  advance.  Ankshus  to  crow 
and  waitin  impayshently  for  a  chanst,  I  remain,  rayther  onder 
the  wether  Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER 


No.  XXXVII. 

[Bitter  as  myrrh,  and  twice  as  wholesome,  is  the  letter  from 
tlie  "  Disbanded"  which  we  lay  before  our  readers  to-day.    Not 


108  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

content  with  touching  corruption  with  caustic,  he  rubs  it  in.    li 
the  process  hurts,  so  much  the  better. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  February  7, 18G2. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

In  the  present  condishin  of  the  "  sakrid  sile"  it  would  be 
onpossabul  for  the  grand  army  of  the  Potomac  (altho  composed 
of  patryits  as  would  stick  at  nuthin  in  thar  kentry's  caws)  to 
take  the  field  at  enny  pint  without  bein  immediently  stuck.  It 
would  be  eesier,  in  fack,  for  a  collume  of  young  mush-rats  to 
make  railroad  time  throo  sugar-house  rnerlasses,  than  for  our 
troops  to  accomplash  a  forrard  moovcrnent  in  the  eggsistin  state 
of  these  mushy  cliggins.  Doorin  the  past  week  Ive  ben  acrost 
the  river  takin  soundins  in  the  butiful  shampain  kentry  around 
Alexandry,  and  1  ken  oney  say,  that  ef  the  peeple  was  hafe  as 
yieldin  as  the  sile  the  contest  atween  Sam  and  Secesh  would  be 
a  saft  match  and  sun  eendecl.  Merryland,  now,  bein  of  a  sandy 
nater,  issent  near  as  deep  in  the  mud  as  the  Old  Dominyun  is  in 
the  inire.  Frinstance  in  Prence  George  I  found  a  solid  bottom 
eighteen  inches  clown,  while  in  Ann  Arundel,  on  the  opposite 
side  of  the  river,  I  could  barly  reach  it  with  a  four  foot  pole.  It 
seems  therefore,  as  a  Clay  State,  like  Virginny,  oifers  more 
obstruckshins  to  an  attact  on  the  rebels  than  rejins  with  more 
grit  and  less  tenassty.  Its  my  blefe  that  ef  that  slushy  miry 
commonwelth  was  sot  up  eendways  in  the  sun  to  dreen,  from 
now  ontil  the  fust  of  April,  you'd  find  jest  as  menny  leeches  and 
suckers  inter  it  as  at  present.  I  calkilate,  howsever,  the  rodes 
wont  be  more'n  ankel  deep  in  May.  Ef  thats  the  case  and  thars 
enuff  left  alive  of  Canaerun's  teams  and  chai-gers  to  snake  the 
guns  along  and  mount  a  few  dragons,  I  shouldent  be  mutch 
disappinted  ef  a  Quickshotish  eggspedishin  was  to  start  sekritly 
for  sum  place  onknown  to  enny  boddy  but  the  guverment  and 
the  enemee.  Guvner  Letcher,  when  on  a  drunk  in  Richmound 
tuther  day,  is  sed  to  have  bosted  that  he  got  infonnashin  of  all 
our  milentary  plans  weeks  in  advance  of  the  New  York  papers, 
and  I  predicate  wot  he  sed  was  the  naked  truth  onembellisht  by 
delirum  trimmings. 

A  sartain  porshun  of  the  Union  men  here — I  meen  the  horse- 
flesh hounds,  shoddy  swindlers,  beef  banditty,  riful  raskils,  pro- 
vishin  pirits,  blankit  belzebubs  and  the  gallus  birds  of  that 
fether — thinks  June  would  be  full  airly  for  the  army  to  perpair 
for  a  inarch.  Washington  dident  leave  Volley  Forge  tell  June, 
they  say.  Wall  he  dident ;  but  then  he  hed  ony  leven  thousand 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  109 

hafe  starved,  barfoot  sogers  (warn't  they  clar  grit  Iho  ?),  to  fight 
Clinton  und  Niphosen  with  twenty  thousand  vetrans  as  hed  ben 
fattenin  like  turkey  gobblers  in  a  pen,  at  Philadelfy  all  winter 
and  spring,  expectin  what  the  French  call  a  grand  coo  domain 
in  the  airly  summer.  Taint  so  with  our  Potomac  army.  The 
starvashin  and  the  bar  feet  is  all  on  tuther  side,  and  we  outcount 
the  traitors  more'n  three  to  two.  Besides  Washington  could 
afford  to  wait  for  the  waggin,  seein  as  Gates  lied  flaxt  out 
Burgoyne  and  tuck  six  thousand  prisners  the  prevus  fall.  We 
Laint  perform!  no  setch  eggsplites,  hev  we  ?  I  gess  wen  the 
Father  of  his  Kentry  was  wanted,  he  was  allus  thar.  Dident  he 
cross  the  Delawar  Crissmass  night,  1775,  and  lick  the  Heshins, 
at  Trenton,  and  then  turn  round  and  smash  the  British  at 
Princeton  two  days  arter  New  Years  ?  I  dont  want  to  swar,  but 
I  wisht  I  may  never  live  to  see  Floyd  hanged — and  thats  an 
orful  wish  for  a  troo  patryit — ef  I  dont  mount  the  nex  guver- 
ment  contractor  as  venturs  to  cumpar  the  sojerin  on  the  Potomac 
with  the  conduck  of  the  old  war  onder  Ginral  Washington,  in 
my  hearin. 

Report  ses  as  the  poor  sojers  placed  horse  de  combat  (as  the 
Parishiners  hes  it)  in  the  horspittle  at  Alexandry  is  onmars- 
fully  treted.  It  is  sed  thar  vitals  is  bad  and  not  enufF  to  fill  thar 
bellies,  and  that  they  air  kept  in  dirty  onventilated  rums,  with 
no  proper  rnedakill  keer,  nor  rnedasin,  nor  nussin.  It  is  onder- 
stood  that  the  ded  boddies  of  the  deceased,  and  in  coarse  they 
air  numerus  onder  setch  a  sistem  of  die  it  and  regiment,  is  pitcht 
promiscuss  inter  pits,  ennywars  whar  the  grounds  eesy  to  dig 
and  shuvels  is  handy ;  and  when  fathers  and  muthers,  and  wives 
and  sisters,  cum  to  ax  for  the  remains  of  the  dear  wuns  as  they 
gin  up  with  sore  harts  to  thar  kentry's  sarvice,  noboddy  nose 
whar  the  boddies  air,  and  the  oney  privelege  they  hev  is  to  open 
the  pits  and  take  thar  chice.  Congress  has  tuck  up  the  matter  it 
seems,  and  ef  the  tale's  troo,  as  Ime  purty  shoor  it  is,  I  oney 
wisht  thar  was  a  San  Fransisky  Vigilent  Committy  here,  to  tuck 
up  the  gilty  parties. 

I  hop  you  hev  got  a  copy  of  the  report  of  the  Van  Wyck  Com- 
mitty on  the  stealins  of  the  Guverment  agents.  It  forms  a  page 
oi  criminil  history  that  doosent  cumpar  faverably  with  the 
Newgate  calender.  When  the  Recordin  Angil  transkribes  the 
dockyment,  I  persoom  he'll  put  sum  of  the  names  in  big  capitals, 
and  when  the  individyals  distingwished  in  this  way  gets  on 
"  tuther  side  of  Jordan,"  its  not  onprobabul  as  they'll  find  out 
why  he  dun  it. 


110  WAB     LETTERS     OF 

The  furrin  dispatches  to  the  Guverrnent  by  the  last  'rival  was 
all  right  I  larn.  A  report  was  currant  yestday  that  Lord  Parner- 
stun  lied  rit  to  Mr.  Sewarcl  that  he  should  be  mutch  pleased  el 
we  vvoulclent  leave  wun  'stun  upon  amither  in  Charleston.  It 
seems,  hovvsever,  that  on  luckin  at  the  dispatch  a  seckind  time  it 
was  notist  as  the  wurd  "  harbor"  follered  the  wurd  "  Charleston,'' 
witch  makes  a  slite  diffrence  in  the  nieanin.  Setch  mistakes  is 
onvoidable.  They  occur  evry  day  in  the  hurry  of  bizness. 

Ginral  Lane's  "separit  command'1  still  hangs  by  the  ilids. 
Opinyuns  differs  as  to  tfie  nater  oi  the  powers  conferd  onter 
liiin,  but  it  is  unannymously  agreed  that  Ginral  Hunter  hes  made 
an  everlastin  Jewdy  of  hisself.  Ef  he  is  raaly  ankshus  to 
sarve  his  kentry  (and  I  spose  he  is),  he  hed  better  resine  his 
eDuimisliin.  The  actil  reason  why  Ginral  Lane  is  forbidden  to 
go  it  alone,  peers  to  be  an  idee  that  he  mought  hurt  the  rebels. 

Yestday  was  a  Bright  day  in  the  Sennit.  Evry  honest  Union 
man  in  the  land  will  rejice  that  the  Indiana  traitor  has  got  his 
desarts.  I  hope  Villaindigham  wont  be  long  arter  him. 

You'll  probly  hev  noose  from  Burnside  and  from  Grant  afore 
this  goes  inter  type.  Trustin  itul  be  of  a  nater  to  raise  the 
sperits  of  the  peeple  and  lower  the  discount  on  Treshury  notes, 
I  remain,  on  the  ankshus  bench, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLCJNTEEB. 


No.  XXXVIII. 

[The  glorious  news  from  the  South  and  "West  seems  to  have 
acted  like  a  dose  of  nitrous  oxide  on  the  old  militaire.  He 
writes  in  high  spirits,  and  if  there  are  any  extravagances  in 
his  letter  that  seem  unbecoming  the  gravity  01  age,  our  readers — 
who  are  all  in  ecstasies  over  the  Union  victories  of  the  past  ten 
days — will  not  be  disposed  to  censure  them. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  February  14,  1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

The  patryotic  hellabloo  in  this  city  is  tremenjus.  We  air  all 
in  the  Seventh  Heaven,  and  the  salvashin  of  the  Union  is  konsid- 
ered  sartain.  The  oldest  inhabitant,  a  venabul  Aunty  Diluvian 
as  knew  Joyce  Heth  in  her  infancy,  ses  he  never  seen  setch 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  Ill 

rejiceins.  Not  a  seesesher  is  to  be  found  anywhars  to-day.  I 
dont  blcve  Diagnosis  with  his  lantern  could  diskiver  a  symtum 
of  wun.  They  hev  suddenly  changed  thar  colors  like  the  cor- 
nelian. The  feat  of  Burnside  is  in  all  mouths,  and  the  fact  that 
Foote  is  in  the  enemy's  rear  asshoors  us  that  rebellyun  will  soon 
be  kicked  out  of  Tennessee  and  Kaintucky. 

The  tall  and  talented  Abe  goes  setch  lenths  ii?his  hilarity  that 
he  seems  like  a  high  old  boy  beside  hisself.  From  the  time  the 
late  bulletens  of  victry  began  to  drap  in,  he  hes  gon  outer  wun 
cannondrum  fit  inter  anuther,  without  enny  let  up  or  interniishin, 
throwin  nienny  of  his  best  frends  inter  convulshins.  Nun  of 
the  Cabbynet  ken  resist  his  joaks  but  Stanton,  whoos  mind  is 
too  strong  and  cam  to  be  disturbed  by  ennyboddy  s  humor.  As 
to  Welles,  ef  the  President  oney  casts  his  iarseeshus  eye  onto 
him,  and  makes  a  correspondin  jester,  his  sides  begins  to  shake 
and  kwiver,  like  a  Morgan  hulk  in  a  topsail  breeze. 

In  coarse  the  vivashus  readers  of  the  SUNDAY  MERKARY  will 
hev  no  objeckshin  to  jine  in  the  eggsploshin  of  larfter  witch 
agitates  the  Deestrick  whenever  the  Momus  of  the  White  House 
fires  off  his  11-inch  rib-ticklers.  Wall,  onderneath  I  send  you  a 
small  assortment,  thrown  right  and  left  within  the  last  forty- 
eight  hours,  sura  of  witch  is  onderstood  to  hev  creatid  ginral 
devastashin  among  buttons,  suspenders,' ladies  cursit  laces  and 
cetery,  in  this  city  and  subbubs.  To  releeve  the  publick  mind 
from  narvous  anksiety,  and  prevent  the  public  from  stayin  awake 
nights  gessin  at  the  truth,  I  send  the  offlshal  anser  to  each,  so 
that  the  greenest  gander  may  see  throo  em ;  and  ef  I  am  not 
mistaken  they  will  be  red  by  evryboddy  with  considabul  goostoe. 
I  forrard  em  as  I  am  told  they  was  tuck  down  from  the  distin- 
gwished  orther's  lips  by  two  littery  slebrities  who  air  about  to 
publish  a  lively  vollum,  onder  the  titul  of  "  The  Rail-Splitter's 
Railleries,  or  Wedges  of  Wit  from  the  White  House  at  Washing- 
ton." These  gentlemen  take  it  ride  and  tie,  as  the  sayin  is,  wun 
or  tuther  of  em  bein  constantly  in  attendance,  so  that  nuthin 
sourcastic  as  falls  from  the  American  Juvenile  may  be  lost  to 
posteriority.  I  larn  as  the  satyrs  they  hev  already  collected 
takes  the  shine  out  of  Wood's  Minstrels.  The  book  will  be 
excloosively  dedicated  to  Jock  Hilarity,  and  sooperior  as  a 
humorous  more  so  to  Joe  Miller.  But  I  beg  pardin  for  detainin 
you  from  the  cannondrums  and  cetery.  Here  they  be  as  they 
was  gin  to  me,  with  the  kinder  demonstrashins  adapted  to  each. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  park  of  artillery  and  the 
crust  of  a  custard  pudding  ? 


112  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

One  batters  in  the  walls,  the  other  walls  in  the  batter.  (Piano 
snigger.) 

Why  is  Stanton  like  the  youthful  David  ? 

Because  he  has  slung  a  Stone  to  the  right  spot,  and  struck 
terror  into  the  Philistines.  (Laughter  fortissimo  accompanied 
by  clapping  of  hands.) 

What  cannon  have  the  most  magical  effect  on  the  enemy  ? 

AVeird  Guns.    (A.  pianissimo  smirk.) 

What  are  the  title  and  arms  of  the  Suthern  Barren  at  present 
in  Mudsill  custody  in  Boston  Harbor  ? 

He  is  Barren  of  Hope,  and  his  arms  can't  be  seen  on  account 
of  the  bar  sinister.  (An  inward  smile  a  la  Leatherstocking.) 

The  point  opposite  Point  Comfort. 

The  point  of  the  bayonet  (a  moderate  grin). 

Wise's  favorite  Latin  quotation  when  referring  to  himself? 

Sic-passim.  It  is  to  be  feared  our  troops  did  pass  him  while 
sick  on  their  way  to  Elizabeth  City.  (A  slight  twinkle  of  the 
weather  eye.) 

What  is  the  most  extensive  "forward  movement"  yet  re- 
ported ? 

An  advance  of  one  Foote  up  the  Tennessee  River.  (He! 
he!  he!) 

A  contradictory  coincidence. 

The  same  telegram  that  states  the  Richmond  Blues  were 
destroyed  at  Roanoke,  asserts  that  the  rebels  have  got  the  blues 
at  Richmond.  (Ha !  ha !) 

Worse  than  the  Roman  Corruptionists. 

Our  "  Cataline  "  Cabal.    (Oh !  oh !) 

Is  Grant  going  on  conquering  and  to  conquer  a-la-NapoleonT' 

No  ;  he  is  only  going  to  conquer  A-la-bama.    (Ah !  bah !) 

Why  is  a  U.  8.  Storeship  like  a  treasury  note  ? 

Because  it's  a  Government  tender.    (O !  la !) 

What  style  of  ancient  minstrelsy  does  the  whiz  of  a  rifle 
bullet  resemble  ? 

Minnie -singing.  (Only  persons  who  have  read  Froissart 
expected  to  giggle.) 

Why  did  the  rebels  fire  one  side  of  Elizabeth  City  ? 

They  wanted  to  show  what  they  could  do  in  the  burn  side  way. 
(Ho!  ho!  ho!— slow!) 

You  air  to  onderstand,  eddyturs,  as  I  dident  hear  the  abuv 
myself,  and  I  wouldent  swar  to  em  enny  more'n  I  would  to  the 
jottins  and  pencillins  of  N.  P.  W.  or  enny  other  man,  but  ef 
poplar  opinytin  is  wuth  ennything,  I  ken  oney  say  they  air 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  113 

kwoted  as  reglar  Lincoln  callembores  by  all  the  Pennselvany 
Avenoodles.  Ef  they  air  sham  Abrahams,  they  air  so  well  cal- 
kilated  to  deceive  that  the  best  counterfeit-joke-detector  in  the 
univarse  might  take  them  for  genuine  A.  L.'s.  By  the  way 
talkin  of  cannondrums,  here's  wun  as  was  sent  on  from  Kaiu- 
tucky  by  a  sojer  who  hed  three  brothers  killed  at  the  battle  of 
Somerset. 

What  dance  was  utterly  forgotten  at  Mrs.  Lincoln's  sorry  dan- 
sente  ? 

Answer.    The  Dance  of  Death ! 

Solem,  isent  it,  and  too  troo.  Peers  to  me  the  caperin  at  that 
ball  was  eenamost  like  polkin  over  new  made  graves. 

My  opinyun  is  that  thars  goin  to  be  setch  an  openen  up  of 
intreeg  and  tretchery  afore  long  as'll  astonish  the  nashin.  Gin- 
ral  Stone's  case  is  a  mild  wun  in  cumparisun  to  sum  that  will  be 
heern  tell  of  hi  the  civil  sarvice,  onless  the  truth  is  choked 
down. 

I  keep  my  eyes  skinned  and  my  ears  opin,  and  whenever  it  13 
sale  to  tork  right  out  in  meetin,  expect  full  particklers  from 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XXXIX. 

[Our  sanguine  correspondent  seems  to  consider  the  spinal 
column  of  the  rebellion  broken  and  its  strength  utterly  paralyzed. 
Perhaps  he  is  right ;  but  we  apprehend  that  the  monster  will  die 
hard,  and  do  considerable  mischief  in  its  final  flurry. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  February  21,  1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Nerkary : 

The  Suthern  cornfcdracy  as  was  so  hungry  for  a  fight  a  spell 
ago  peers  to  hev  got  a  bellyfull  allreddy.  We  air  puttin  cm 
throo  the  mill  purty  rapid,  I  predicate.  It  is  reported  here  that 
when  Cobb  heerd  of  Fort  Donelson  bein  shelled  he  acknowl- 
edged the  corn,  while  Toombs  lucking  as  grave  as  a  sexton,  sed 
he  was  prcpard  to  berry  the  hatchet  Even  the  fire-eatin  South 
Caroliny  Shiverally — rnenny  of  hoom  is  redooced  to  thar  last 
spur  and  shirt  collar — admits  that  the  prospeck  ahed  is  rayther 
chillin. 

It  must,  in  course,  be  aperient  to  evry  boddy  that  the  evacua- 


114  WAR     LKTTEES     OF 

shiu  of  Missooii,  Kaintacky,  and  Tennessee,  is  a  foregon  con- 
clooshin,  and  that  Eastern  Virginny  will  sun  be  relieved  by  a 
rear  and  flank  inoovement.  Setch  is  the  beginnin  of  the  ecnd 
of  our  intestin  differculties  ! 

I  bleve  the  rank  and  file  of  the  rebel  army  would  gladly  file 
outer  thar  own  ranks  inter  ourn.  By  resortin  to  arms  they  hev 
reaped  nuthin  but  shame  and  ruin,  and  now  it  is  sed  they  want 
to  stack  em  and  quit  the  field.  Solomon  ses  that  in  his  day  you 
couldeut  nock  the  foolishness  outer  a  fool  with  a  mortar ;  but 
prehaps  the  mortars  in  Jerooslum  warnt  thirteen  inchers  and 
dident  carry  two  hunderd  pound  balls. 

It  is  whisperd  around  in  pollytickle  sirkils  to-day,  that  the 
President  is  goin  to  issoo  a  proclaniashin  grantin  a  ginral  ain- 
nasty  to  all  the  sporters  of  the  rebel  dienasty,  as  chooses  to  wash 
thar  hands  of  that  dirty  consarn  and  begin  the  world  anoo  with 
a  clean  record.  The  manyfesto  is  intended  for  the  multitood, 
not  for  the  ring  leaders  as  rung  em  in. 

The  guvemment  doosent  intend  to  be  niggerdly  in  its  mercy 
to  enny  but  the  nigger-drivin  aristocrazy  as  sot  the  ball  of  Re- 
bellion in  inoshin.  With  all  the  rest  it  is  willin  to  smoke  the 
calamus. 

To-morrow  bein  the  Berth-day  oi  the  Father  of  his  Kentry, 
the  hull  city  is  to  be  striped  and  starred.  The  troops  is  to  hev 
extree  rashins.  A  nayshinal  saloot  is  ordered  at  the  Navy  Yard 
and  it  is  calkilated  that  not  less'n  a  thousand  speciments  of  the 
Star  Spangled  Avill  kiss  the  breeze.  Watts-his-name,  the  gar- 
diner  at  the  White  House — him  as  prigged  pairt  of  the  Presi- 
dent's messidge  for  the  New  York  Herald — is  getherin  fresh 
laurels  to-day,  to  twine  round  the  trofiz  reseutly  sent  from  Roan- 
oke  Hand.  At  night  thar  will  be  an  illoominashin  on  a  skale 
worthy  of  the  capital  of  an  enlightened  kentry,  and  ef  enny  dis- 
loyalist should  decline  to  light  up  on  nckount  of  thinken  the 
game  not  worth  the  candle,  he  will  be  likely  to  git  his  winders 
smasht  for  his  panes. 

About  the  time  we  air  listenin  to  "Washington's  Farewell  Ad- 
dress, onder  the  folds  of  the  federal  flag  here,  Jeff  Davis  will  be 
deliverin  his  interductory  cunard  onder  the  rebel  rag  at  Rich- 
mound.  "Wot  will  the  God-lorsakin  critter  hev  to  say  for  hisself, 
I  wunder  ?  I  persoom  his  speech  will  be  a  jewel  of  the  fust 
water — a  perfeck  bougie  as  the  French  eggspress  it.  As  he  is 
reported  to  be  the  cheef  ecldytur  and  wire-puller  of  the  Rich- 
mound  Inkwirer,  I  dessay  the  following  parrj-graft  witch  I  sis- 
serd  from  Monday's  edishin  of  that  interestin  and  relieabul  prent, 


A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER.         115 

givs  a  purty  good  ginral  idee  of  the  stile  and  substance  of  his 
inaugerole : 

"  SPLENDID  VICTORY  AT  FORT  DONELSON. 

"  This  splendid  feat  of  arms  and  glorious  victory  to  our  cause 
will  send  a  thrill  of  joy  over  the  whole  Confederacy !  It  comes 
at  the  right  place  and  at  the  right  time !  All  honor  to  the  brave 
officers  and  soldiers  who  have  shed  such  lustre  upon  our  arms, 
and  added  such  prestige  to  our  flag !  We  shall  delight  to  pub- 
lish the  full  details  when  they  shall  reach  us.  What  further  we 
are  to  expect  on  the  same  ground  we  know  not.  *  *  * 

"  We  trust  that  the  stand  so  brilliantly  commenced  we  shall  be 
able  to  make  permanent,  and  to  roll  back  the  tide  of  invasion." 

Possably  Floyd,  the  cannon-cribbin  coward,  and  Ginral  Gidd- 
yun  Whitefether  Pillow,  may  reach  the  traitor  capital  by  to- 
morrow with  the  "  full  details''.  Ef  so  they  will  sartainly  arrive 
at  the  "  right  place  and  at  the  right  time",  and  ef  the  noose  doo- 
sent  send  a  "thrill  over  the  hull  cornfedracy",  thars  no  thrill  to 
it. 

The  rebel  simperthisers  here  is  in  despare,  with  the  eggsepshin 
of  Mrs.  Greenhow,  who  bares  evrything  like  a  man.  Menny  of 
the  leadin  seecesh  funkshinaries  is  in  an  offal  funk.  Stephens, 
the  rebel  vice,  feels  very  bad.  Wise,  it  is  sed,  lies  becum  a 
nidiot,  and  fancies  the  goste  of  John  Brown  is  continally  glidin 
arter  him  with  a  slip-not  in  its  skellinton  hands.  Twiggs  13 
ankshus  to  put  out.  Gustarvus  Smith  would  be  will  in  to  sweep 
the  streets  of  New  York  gratis  to  escape  the  besom  of  destruck- 
shin.  Letcher  weeps  over  his  red-eye.  Benjamin  thinks  he  hes 
made  a  mess  of  it.  The  Guvner  of  Georgy  allows  he  is  dun 
Brown ;  and  Jeff  would  no  dout  be  off  in  a  jeffy  ef  the  feeld 
was  clar,  and  he  hed  a  good  chanst  to  run.  Indeed,  all  the  head 
rebels  sees  wot  is  hangin  over  em,  and  would  be  very  glad  to 
stand  from  under  ef  they  could. 

Trustin  that  they  hev  purty  near  reached  the  eend  of  thar 
tether,  and  will  soon  be  in  a  tight  place,  I  remain,  hopefully. 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLTJNTEEB. 


No.  XL. 

[Particular  attention  is  invited  to  the  following  graphic  sketch 
of  Jeff  Davis's  inauguration.  It  is  really  a  fine  piece  of  "  word- 
painting",  and  worthy  of  implicit  credence. — EDS.] 


116 

WASHINGTON,  February  28, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  MerJiary  : 

In  compliance  with  your  rekwest,  onder  date  of  February  18, 
I  sent  an  accomplish!  and  relieabul  spy  to  Richmound  to  make 
keerful  man}'randoms  of  Jeff  Davises  inaugurashin.  He  hes 
jest  returnt,  and  represents  the  speckticle  as  moanful  in  the  ex- 
treem.  Menny  sobbed  aloud.  The  President  tuck  the  oath  as 
ef  it  hed  ben  a  doste  of  ruebub  or  salts  and  sinner.  The  hull 
affair,  the  spy  ses,  reminded  him  of  an  eegsecushin  he  wunst  seen 
on  Gibbet  Hand  in  New  York  Bay,  of  a  pirit  by  the  name  of 
Hix.  The  platform,  he  allows,  was  percisely  like  the  scaffold 
used  on  that  occashin,  and  nuthin  was  wantin  but  the  ropes  and 
the  waits  to  kornplete  the  allushin. 

Jeff  Davis  was  preseeded  and  follercd  by  sevrall  gentlemen  in 
black,  that  hed  evry  aperience  of  a  sheriff 's  percesshin,  and  when 
the  two  as  sported  him  on  each  side  let  go  thar  holt,  he  cum 
forrard  jest  as  Hix  dun  to  make  his  dyin  speetch,  oney  luckin 
mutch  more  brokin  down  and  desperated.  The  reseinblants  \vas 
so  perfeck,  that  the  spy  ses  he  started  in  sirprize  when  he  seen 
Jeffs  arms  warn't  pinioned,  and  when  the  speetch  was  dun,  he 
couldent  help  luckin  around  for  the  feller  with  the  white  night- 
cap to  dror  over  the  culprit's  visedge.  It  seems  that  jest  as  the 
onfortnit  critter  hed  got  off  his  last  sentence,  a  messendger  rusht 
throo  the  crowd  and  sunk  allmost  faintin  on  the  platform.  My 
informent  declars  he  was  so  full  of  the  idee  of  an  eggsecushin, 
that  he  couldent  help  hollerin  "  he's  saved !  he's  saved  !"  "  a  re- 
preve  !  a  repreve  !"  But  it  warn't  a  repreve.  Contrarywise,  it 
was  the  noose  of  the  ockipashin  of  Gnashville  by  the  fedral 
forces,  in  the  teeth  of  all  oppersishin.  "When  Jeff  heerd  it,  he 
kullapsed  with  a  grone  inter  the  cheer  behint  him,  and  the  sur- 
roundin  multitood  gin  a  despairin  yell.  The  crowd  of  moaners 
then  disbursed  in  sairtch  of  steamalus,  and  the  leadin  funkshin- 
aries  stole  off  like  a  theef  in  the  night  or  a  morording  bed  bug 
when  he  smells  daylight. 

The  maskline  traitors  here  hes  concluded  to  play  the  hypocrit 
senst  the  rebellyun  was  skwelched  in  Tennessee,  but  the  fem- 
menines,  as  I  menshund  in  my  last,  is  as  savedge  as  ever.  They 
oney  regret  that  the  flower  of  the  South  hev  to  bolt  from  a  pas- 
sel  of  Northern  rnckanicks.  A  lady  from  Georgy  told  me  tuther 
day  she  onderstood  that  jurneymen  blacksmiths  and  setch 
formed  the  princepull  porshin  of  the  Northern  files.  I  told  her 
yes,  and  them  wras  the  kinder  files  we  spiked  the  Suthern  guns 
with,  witch  rayther  shet  her  up.  Anuther  she  Secesh  remarkt 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB.  117 

to  Seward  that  she  was  sorry  the  gentlemen  of  the  South  had  to 
contend  with  shoomakers  and  taylors  ;  to  witch  the  galliant 
seckatry  replide,  in  his  onpretendin  way,  that  it  must  be  very 
tryin  to  the  shiverally  to  be  whipt  by  setch  degraded  beins  outer 
thar  boots  and  britches,  at  witch  she  gin  her  hoop  a  venamus 
sling  and  mizzeld. 

I  spose  the  censureship  of  the  tellagraft  will  be  oney  tempo- 
ry ;  but  in  case  it  shouldent,  I  am  organizin  a  flock  of  carryer 
pidgins.  I  keep  em  in  a  coop  in  my  rum  at  Willard's,  and  ef  a 
coo  de  tar  occurs,  you  may  expeck  to  find  wun  a  peckin  at  your 
winders,  with  the  noose  tied  to  his  neck,  in  two  hours  thararter. 
In  coarse  you  won't  publish  the  flyin  rummers  I  may  send,  on 
ackount  of  the  standin  order — but  you  ken  bet  your  pile  on  em, 
and  operate  in  the  fancies  to  advantage. 

Corjally  hopin  and  belevin  that  a  forrard  movement  is  in  pro- 
gress that  will  nock  treson  eendways,  I  remane,  with  a  hart 
palpitatin  with  patryotic  emoshins, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XLI. 

[It  is  pretty  clear  that  the  blunt  old  soldier  was  not  in  a  par- 
ticularly placid  frame  of  mind  when  he  sat  down  to  indite  the 
following  letter.  The  news-embargo,  the  President's  proposi- 
tion to  bribe  the  Southern  planters  to  liberate  their  slaves,  and 
the  suggested  fourfold  tax  on  newspapers,  seem  to  have  been  too 
much  for  his  usually  equable  temper,  and  to  have  curdled  his 
milk  of  human  kindness  considerably.  Still,  his  sarcasms  are 
not  undeserved,  and  we  incline  to  believe  that  his  views,  though 
expressed  in  homely  language,  tally  with  those  of  a  large  por- 
tion of  our  readers. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  March  7, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

Ken  ennything  be  more  rilin  to  the  curryspondent  of  a  live 
jernil  than  to  be  full  up  to  the  neck  of  the  most  eggsitin  matter 
and  enable  to  spit  it  out  for  the  bennyfit  of  an  impayshent  pub- 
lick  ?  Wai,  setch  is  my  all-aggravaitin  predickymant  at  present, 
and  altho  I  hev  a  fair  share  of  cheek  for  an  old  sojer,  Ime 


118  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

obligated  to  keep  my  mouth  shet,  notrwlthstandin  my  desire  to 
make  a  clean  brest  of  it.  A  stain  upon  my  lionor  would  play 
the  juce  with  me  as  a  contribitor  to  the  press  ;  consekently  the 
advices  I  send  you  in  cypher,  for  your  own  privit  use,  I  advise 
you  to  keep  dark,  however  inutch  your  readers  may  sigh  for 
supprest  iutellagents.  Stanton  gin  me  the  facts  in  a  faint  whis- 
per, onder  a  pledge  of  privacy,  when  I  dropt  in  at  the  War  offiz 
yesterday,  and  tharfore  tho  I  forrard  it  to  you,  it  must  go  no 
further.  He  ses  the  crysis  demands  silence,  and  that  the  pub- 
lickashin  of  the  Guvernment's  sekrits  can't  be  aloud. 

Howsever,  tho  orthentic  dispatches  is  withheld,  you  hev  a  per- 
feck  right  to  publish  all  the  conflictin  rummers  in  sirkilashin — no 
gag  law  for  the  human  imadjinashin  heving  yet  been  issood  by 
the  Adnunistrashin.  In  the  absence  of  the  offishal  trooth  I  hope 
the  follerin  reports,  which  is  drivin  the  coolest  and  most  flag- 
matick  citysins  of  the  Deestrick  to  the  verge  of  loonacy,  will  be 
satisfactory  to  your  reflectin  readers.  It  is  bruted  abroad  to-day 
that  Memphiz  has  ben  gin  to  the  flames — John  Minor  Botts 
blowed  from  the  mouth  of  a  canon — and  Gnashville  attacted  by 
the  rebels  tooth  and  nail.  That  the  Union  elefant  is  on  root  for 
Tuskalooser  (Allabam) ;  that  Jeff  Davis  hes  ben  assassnated,  with 
severell  more  of  the  same  stripe ;  that  Guvner  Letcher  was  shot 
in  the  neck  on  Sunday,  in  consekens  of  his  intemperit  percedens 
(witch  is  ginally  bleved) ;  that  our  troops  air  approachin  New 
Orleans  by  the  shell  road ;  that  Floyd  hes  becuin  a  money- 
maniac  and  Pillow  turned  soft ;  that  John  Brown's  goste  appeered 
to  Ginral  Banks  as  he  was  marching  on  to  Charlestown ;  that 
Guvner  Pickens  hes  ben  hung  on  a  palmetto  tree ;  that  "W.  H. 
Russell  hes  jined  wun  of  the  outlying  devishins  of  the  rebel 
army  ;  that  Savannah  is  gettin  hail  columbiad  ;  that  the  Mobile 
peeple  are  on  the  moove  for  the  interior  ;  and  that  William  Lied 
Garrison,  desguysed  as  a  chattel,  is  at  the  head  of  an  ebony  con- 
spurracy  in  Louseanna,  with  plenty  of  the  yaller  boys  in  his 
pocket  to  cany  it  out. 

Famishin  for  facks  as  we  air  onder  the  guverment  embargo,  it 
is  plesant  to  hev  a  large  assortment  of  flyin  reports  to  seleck 
from.  We  air  an  ingenuous  nianufactring  peeple,  and  when  the 
trooth  is  supprest  by  the  supreme  orthority,  the  market  for  that 
artickle  is  purty  sure  to  be  sublied  with  setch  substitoots  as  air 
gin  abuv.  As  long  as  the  Censers  hes  thar  swing  over  the  press, 
the  publick  is  sartain  to  be  led  off  on  false  scents.  Sum  may 
smell  a  rat  and  refuse  to  foller  em,  but  the  majority  when 
deprived  of  inforrnashin  from  more  relieabul  soarces,  is  oney 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  119 

too  reddy  to  swaller  the  most  horrebul  catstropliies  invented  by 
the  dredfnl  axident  makers.  It  is  consolin  to  think,  howsever, 
that  our  Suthern  brethren  will  have  the  trooth  and  the  hull 
trooth,  while  we  air  denied  it.  They  git  it  as  ushil.  by  the  shortest 
cut  from  Washington,  acrost  the  Potomac.  "We  never  hev  hed 
enny  consealments  from  them,  and  never  shell  hev  as  long  as 
dubblefaced  traitors  in  the  Sennit  and  the  House,  and  men  well 
known  to  be  hand  and  gluv  with  Secesh  Jessybells  and  Delielies, 
is  permitted  to  hold  responsabul  offlzzes. 

How  do  you  like  the  messidge  of  the  President  proposin  to 
bribe  the  Sutherners  to  manspate  thar  brethren  of  the  cullerd 
perswashin  ?  Peers  to  me  that  when  an  evil's  jest  as  shoor  to  die 
a  nateral  deth,  as  Floyd  is  to  git  his  goose  cooked  tuther  side  of 
Jordon,  its  hardly  wuth  while  to  pay  a  bonus  for  its  eggstinkshin. 
The  yoke's  eennamost  broken  now.  Ef  the  South  hed  hollered, 
and  sued  for  peace,  why  then  indeed  it  mought  be  ail  right  to 
make  setch  a  tender,  but  onder  present  suckemstances  its  rayther 
tuff.  line  opposed  tor  wun,  to  enny  consillytory  meshers,  ontil 
she  caves  in  and  cries  copavi.  Why  should  we  offer  to  pay  her 
to  free  her  slaves,  when  they  air  bound  to  free  tharselves' gratis 
for  nuthin  ef  the  war  continnees  two  years  longer.  Let  the 
South  back  squar  down,  and  then  it  will  be  time  enuff  to  be  mag- 
nannymus ;  but  as  the  case  stands  at  present,  millyuns  for  war — 
not  a  cent  for  triboot,  is  my  motto.  Badly  as  the  North's  ben 
treted,  Ime  not  agen  dooin  the  hansuin  thing  if  the  offender 
repents,  and  eats  humble  pie — but  as  to  tryin  to  bribe  armed 
traitors,  it  seems  to  me  about  ckwiverlent  to  offerin  a  premium 
to  pints  to  sirrindir  thar  prisners  and  thar  plunder,  when  youve 
got  em  foul  and  they  hev  no  chice  atween  hauling  down  thar 
infarnal  flag  and  bein  blown  to  blazes. 

No  clout  the  President  writ  the  messidge  with  the  best  inten- 
shins  ;  but  it's  an  orful  foe  paw,  as  the  French  say,  and  Ime  afeard 
the  enemee'll  make  a  handle  of  it.  It  is  imminently  calkilated 
to  raise  the  droopin  spemts  of  the  rebel  leaders,  and  ef  they 
don  t  make  capital  outer  it  at  Richmound,  theyre  greener'n  grass- 
hoppers. 

The  mean  way  the  Committee  on  Ways  and  Means  picht  inter 
the  noosepaper  interest  in  thar  tax  bill,  is  univarsally  condemd 
here.  Oney  think  of  saddlin  the  Pallajum  ot  our  Libties  with 
four  distink  taxes.  Why  its  a  step  backards  tords  barberism 
that's  enuif  to  make  the  liar  of  the  civilised  world  stand  on  eend ! 
Besides  its  setch  a  parshil,  spiteful  meshur.  Ef  noledge  is  to  be 
taxt,  why  not  inclood  public  skools,  collidges,  univarsities,  privit 


120  WAB    LETTERS     OF 

seminerries,  the  Smithsonian  Instytoot,  and  all  uther  consarns 
for  the  'fushin  of  useful  informashin,  as  well's  that  grate  poplar 
teacher,  the  cheap  noosepaper.  I  kant  bleve  that  setch  an 
attemp  to  brake  down  the  independent  press  will  ever  be  sank- 
shund  by  Congress.  Hopin  that  the  vile  projeck  may  git  a  lofty 
fall,  and  that  whoseurndever  sports  it  may  be  a  target  for  Eddy- 
torial  rath  tell  the  day  he  dies,  and  be  tormented  by  printer's 
devils  when  he  gets  to  that  burn  from  which  no  travler  re- 
turns, I  remain,  disgustedly, 

Yours,  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XLIL 

[Our  veteran  correspondent  is  on  the  march.  He  represents 
the  SUNDAY  MERCURY  and  the  Principles  of  '76  on  General  Mc- 
Clellan's  staff.  If  no  unfriendly  ball  perforates  his  patriotic  per- 
son, and  sword,  bayonet,  and  bowie-knife  let  him  alone,  our 
readers  may  expect  some  graphic  sketches  of  actual  war  from 
his  pen.  His  descriptions  of  the  battles  in  the  Crimea  were  con- 
sidered far  superior  to  Russell's  by  everybody  except  Russell ; 
and  though  old,  he  has  lost  none  of  his  epistolary  fire. — EDS.] 

HEAD  KWARTERS  IN  THE  FIELD,  March  14, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

Gumming  events  cast  thar  shadders  afore.  The  grand  haul  of 
the  milentar3r  seine  witch  is  to  ketch  the  big  Devil-fish  of  Re- 
bellion, is  goin  briskly  on,  and  ef  the  strands  doosent  brake  sum- 
whars,  we  shall  sun  see  the  commemment  de  la  Jin,  as  the  French 
hes  it.  Accordin  to  the  drorings  of  the  strutigy  net  in  the  noose- 
papers,  the  skaly  wretches  hesent  a  loop-hole  to  riggle  out  at, 
but  droring  the  net  of  strutigy  is  sumthin  like  lottery  droring, 
mity  onsartin.  The  Burnside  korner  of  the  cool  de  sack  peers  to 
be  rayther  week,  witch  is  sartainly  onfortnit,  and  menny  thinks 
as  the  army  that  moseyed  outer  Mauasses  may  make  a  gap  in  our 
lines  at  that  pint.  But  I  bleve  Burnside,  with  the  assistants  of 
hot  shot  from  the  gun  boats  will  be  able  to  nock  'em  cold  ef  they 
try  it  on. 

In  coarse  you  hev  seen  the  announcement  of  the  divishins  in 
the  Union  army,  and  that  Ginral  Maclellin  is  at  the  hed  of  em.  I 
jined  his  numerus  rnilentary  famaly  by  speshil  order,  on  the  forth 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  121 

of  March,  and  marched  forth  with  my  cumraids  to  glory  or  the 
grave,  singin  the  Hollerlooyer  Corns,  on  Monday  last.  Prevus 
to  startin,  the  oath  of  seecrcssy  bein  tenderd  me,  I  hed  to  swar. 
By  the  condishins  of  the  bond,  I  am  not  aloud  to  breeth  a  wisper 
of  wot  is  goin  to  happen,  but  arter  it  hes  tuck  place  I  am  at  libty 
to  spit  it  out.  Ginralissimo  Abe  ses  the  old  word-and-blow  game 
is  played  out  and  that  blows  without  words  is  to  be  the  order  of 
the  day  herearter.  Ef  posteriorly  doosent  do  jestis  to  that  man 
I  dont  want  to  go  down  to  it.  Evry  boddy  here  lucks  up  to  him. 
The  Due  de  Chatters  told  me  over  his  soup  the  other  day,  that 
he  considerd  him  ekwuil  to  Marshal  Tureen  or  the  great  Dook  of 
Guys.  In  my  opinyon  he  is  a  seckiud  Father  of  his  Kentry  and 
I  dont  spose  the  son  of  Austerlitz,  as  the  French  is  allus  a 
crackin  up,  could  hev  held  a  candle  to  him.  Stanton  is  sum, 
and  I  like  his  summery  way,  but  arter  all  the  President  is  a  head 
and  sholders  abuv  him  in  the  esteamashin  of  peeple  as  ondcr- 
stands  his  meshurs. 

But  a  trooce  to  these  desultry  remarks  into  witch  my  warm 
friendship  for  the  President  has  betraid  me.  Wot  I  wanted  to 
git  at  was  this — that  you  mustn't  relie  on  me  for  enny  informa- 
shin  likely  to  proov  prejewdishall  to  the  plans  of  our  milentary 
Solomons. 

"  Ef  you  was  to  let  the  cat  outer  the  bag,"  ses  Little  Mac  to  me 
yestday,  in  his  playful  manner,  "  it  mought  prevent  us  givin  Jeff 
Davis  rats."  And  that  warnt  all ;  for  he  added  in  an  onclwtone, 
so  as  the  uther  staff  fellers  shouldent  hear :  "  Enter  noose  old 
boy,  ef  you  do  tell  tales  outer  skool,  He  suspend  you !"  ;  and 
from  a  neckspressive  moshin  he  made  and  his  emfasis  on  the 
word  suspend,  I  considerd  he  nient  more'n  met  the  ear.  Ses  I  in 
rcspons,  "  Ginral  my  oath  is  sakrid ;"  at  the  same  time  tippin 
him  the  wink  to  sho  I  new  the  ropes. 

On  Toosday  I  made  a  tower  of  the  enemees  wurks  at  Manas- 
scs,  by  order  of  Ginral  Maclellin.  My  report — on  forty  pages 
foolscap — will  I  hope,  prove  acceptabul  to  the  Head  of  the  army. 
I  found  the  airthworks  at  the  Gap  in  pretty  good  condishin  on 
the  hole,  but  the  railroad  was  all  tore  to  peaces  at  the  Junkshin. 
Sines  of  hasty  evackuashin  was  visabul  evrywhars.  The  rebels 
must  have  fled  in  great  alarm.  Wot  a-  pity  we  warnt  privy  to 
the  moovement.  I  pickt  up  several  intrestin.  specimerits  of 
Suthern  littery  talent  as  was  lyin  loose  around.  Aiming  lathers 
the  follerin.  Don  t  destroy  the  mannyscrip,  for  I'me  makin  a 
collecshin  of  seecesh  authorgruffs,  and  its  the  kleenest  among  the 
fudgetive  pemes  and  other  manyrandoms  found  at  Manasses  : 
G 


123  WAR     LETTERS     OP 

A     SOGEKS    REFRAIN. 

by  Washington  Jackson  jones  first  leavetenant  of  the  inissippy 
ripstave  Rangers,  and  late  of  natchez  under  the  hill. 

"jenral  beauregards  a  Coon, 
pillow  hees  a  Grampus, 
floyds  a  quarter  hoss  to  Run, 
and  buckners  Catawampus. 

"we  ken  chaw  abe  linkun  Up, 

likewise  gorge  Macleleran, 
were  the  sassy  bull  run  Pups 
as  sot  mac  dowell  Bellerin. 

"evry  buchus  natchez  Gal 
wants  a  mudsill  Trofy, 
i  must  gouge  an  Eye  for  Sal, 
and  git  an  Ear  for  Sofy. 

"Sofy  ses  we'll  hitch  our  Teams, 

dog  her  cats  to  Thunder! 
if  i  bring  hum  skalps  Enuff 
for  a  bed  quilt  to  sleep  Under. 

"soon  weel  finish  up  this  War 

if  we  go  a  head  Quick, 
and  mebbee  ile  heve  scalps  and  Har 
enuff  for  a  quilt  and  bed-tick. 

"  forrard  then,  to  arms,  to  Arms ! 
hark ! — " 

At  this  pint  the  orthur  of  the  abuv  heroix  must  have  heerd 
sumthin  as  onsetteld  his  narvous  sistem,  for  he  peered  to  hev 
fled  in  haste,  overturnin  the  ritin  flewid,  and  leevin  his  swoord 
and  pen  on  the  tabel. 

The  fortyficashins,  on  closte  inspeckshin  seemed  to  be  com- 
posed cheefly  of  fryable  sand  and  holy  oncapabul  of  standin  a 
bevvy  fire.  Sum  of  the  brest  works  was  barly  knee  high,  and 
was  mounted  with  cord  wood,  each  log  bein  painted  black  to 
resembul  a  peace  of  artillery.  I  hunted  throo  the  woods  for 
masked  battries,  but  found  nuthin  but  a  few  snaix  in  the  grass 
and  harmless  at  that.  The  trooth  is  that  the  hull  story  about 
thar  onsalabul  persishin  was  an  all-fired  sell.  Howsever  we  air 
onto  thar  trail  now,  and  onless  Providence  interfears  in  thar 
favor  and  swollers  em  up  with  an  airthquake,  weve  got  em 
shoor. 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  123 

I  notis  by  the  papers  that  New  York  was  in  a  cold  swet  on 
Sunday,  eggspectin  the  Merrymac  would  cum  steamin  up  the 
Narrers  and  set  the  harbor  on  fire.  Sartainly  ef  she  hed  cum 
you  would  hev  ben  in  a  all-crucified  fix.  Howsever,  the  little 
Monitor  gin  her  a  lesson,  that  I  gess  wont  rekwire  repeathi. 

Hopin  to  smell  powder  afore  I  send  my  next  epistol,  I  remain, 
ankshus  to  go  in, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XLIII. 

[Although  in  the  field,  and  holding  a  staff-appointment,  and, 
therefore,  of  course,  conversant  with  the  important  plans  about 
to  be  consummated  in  Virginia,  our  correspondent  is  restrained 
by  a  sense  of  honor,  sharpened  by  Secretary  Stanton's  order, 
from  sharing  his  knowledge  with  our  readers.  A  great  battle, 
however,  will  unseal  his  lips  (unless  it  should  seal  them  forever) ; 
and  we  hope  soon  to  hear  of  him  "  on  the  line  of  the  Rappahan- 
nock",  with  a  considerable  wreath  of  laurel  on  his  brow.  In 
the  meantime,  by  way  of  a  sop  to  that  news-craving  Cerberus, 
the  public,  he  has  sent  us  one  of  those  dry,  quaint,  sly,  sarcastic 
missives  which  sometimes  puzzle  even  those  who  think  they 
understand  him  best. — EDS.] 

HEAD  KWARTERS  IN  THE  FIELD,  March  20, 18G2. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

I  spose  youve  hed  wild  rejisens  in  the  North  over  the  razin  of 
the  sege  of  Washington.  Arter  bein  infested  by  land  and  block- 
headed  by  water  for  months  by  the  fo,  we  hev  at  lenth  cut  our 
way  out,  and  the  grand  army  and  the  fedral  city  may  be  consid- 
erd,  for  th.e  present,  comparatively  saift.  Our  march  so  far  lies 
ben  wun  unintrupted  serious  of  cheerin  tryumps ;  the  enemee 
hevin  plenty  of  locomotives  to  carry  em  oft'  and  no  motives 
wotever  for  stayin.  The  noose  of  our  approach  seems  to  hev 
hed  sctch  an  effeck  on  thar  sperits,  that  they  immediently  started 
by  the  thousand  at  a  time  ofi  a  train.  Our  Gb^als  eggspected  to 
find  the  rebel  army  well  disposed,  and  detarmived  to  defend  thar 


124  WAR    LETTERS    OF 

posishins,  as  Price's  forces  did  theirn  at  Shugar  Creek,  to  the 
bitter  eend.  But,  notwithstaudin  all  thar  blowins,  they  no  sun- 
ner  got  wind  of  our  sally  than  they  fled  without  a  blow.  In 
follerin  em,  howsever,  it  will  be  reckwizit  to  perceed  with  egg- 
stream  cawshin,  for  fear  of  runnin  blindly  inter  that  "last  ditch" 
whar,  as  the  man  in  the  play  .ses,  they  air  resolved  to  "  die  nobly 
— die  like  demagogs."  Th*  late  galliant  secldnd  in  cum- 
mand  at  Fort  Donalson,  who  onderstands  all  about  ditches, 
is  bleved  to  hev  gon  South  to  dig  it  for  em — arter  witch  he  will 
ondoubtedly  dig  out  for  sum  saifter  place  of  refudge.  It  may  be 
considered  sartin  that  when  the  rebels  sinks  to  rest  on  glory's 
bed  they  wont  find  a  Pillow  thar.  In  fact,  its  more'n  probabul 
that  all  the  heads  of  the  Ilebellyun  will  turn  up  missin  at  its 
tail  eend. 

You  will  be  glad  to  larn  that  I  hev  ben  in  a  slight  skrimmidge 
senst  my  last,  and  cum  out  right  side  up  as  ushil.  By  pennishin 
of  the  Ginral-in-cheef,  me  and  the  County  Paris,  and  the  Dook  de 
Chatters,  went  out  on  a  skout  with  Ginral  Stuninan  tuther  day, 
und  a  lively  time  we  hed,  killin  menny  and  skarin  more.  Our 
force  consisted  of  about  five  hundred  cavalry,  and  we  met,  or 
rayther  we  overtuck  the  enemee,  two  thousand  strong,  near  the 
Orange  Railroad.  "  Go  in  lemons !"  shouted  the  Dook  de  Chat- 
ters, who  is  fast  ackwirin  a  nolledge  of  the  American  tuiig  onder 
the  tooterin  of  a  New  York  Fire  Zouwave.  And  at  em  we  went, 
as  fast  as  our  Camerun-contract  coarscrs  would  carry  us.  Thar 
hosses  was  fleet,  but  those  of  our  squadrun  was  fleeter.  We 
pored  down  onto  em  like  lava — indeed,  I  mought  say,  like  Balak- 
lava.  We  should  hev  ben  glad  to  charge  em  in  front,  but  as 
they  wouldent  turn  round,  to  take  em  in  the  rare  became  a  starn 
necessity.  I  was  in  advance  of  the  line,  and  went  in,  as  I  allus 
do,  on  my  own  hook.  Rememberin  my  youthful  explites  as  a 
wild  cattle-hunter  in  Texas,  I  put  niy  reins  in  my  mouth,  and 
rushin  my  steed  inter  thar  flyin  ranks,  ketched  two  rebel  hosses 
by  the  caudle  eggstrematies,  and  throwin  the  well-bred  and 
doughseal  animal  I  rode  on  his  hanches,  slung  em  both.  To  dis- 
mount and  present  a  brace  of  Colts  at  the  heads  of  the  fallen 
seeceshers  was  the  work  of  a  seckind.  They  acknolledged  thar  dis- 
comforture  when  they  seen  the  perswaders,  and  signifide  a  desire 
to  take  the  Oath  of  Fiedelity.  Bindin  em  over  to  keep  the  peace 
with  thar  own  saddle-girts,  I  remounted  my  Cameronian  charger, 
and  agin  follerin  the  horsteal  fo,  repeted  the  slingin  operashin. 
This  I  continued  for  over  an  hour,  when  I  returnt  and  pickt  up 
my  prisners— jest  a  duzzin— and  druv  em  inter  camp.  I  hed 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  125 

cenamost  forgot  to  state  that  I  plugged  a  bushwhacker  as  was 
drorin  a  bead  onto  my  yuug  frend  the  Dook,  and  parrid  a  fatal 
cut  aimed  at  my  brother-in-arms,  the  County  Paris. 

Ginial  Stunman  \vould  hev  complimented  me  on  my  bravery 
in  a  speshil  order  of  the  day,  but  as  I  prefercd  the  SUNDAY  MER- 
KARY  as  a  inejum  of  comuioonicashin  with  the  public,  he  grace- 
fully yeelded  the  pint ;  bein  the  fust  time  that  brave  man  ever 
yeelded  to  ennythiug  human.  Of  all  dragon  olfsirs  I  ever  seen 
he's  the  trump.  The  Dook  de  Chatters  was  kind  enuff  to  present 
me  with  a  cupple  of  Legin  of  Honors  he  happend  to  hev  about 
him,  and  the  County  Paris  gin  me  as  a  quid  pro  quo  for  my 
sarvices  a  portrit  of  his  grandfather  Loose  Fillip — witch  he  sed 
was  the  very  spit  of  him — butifully  sot  in  Californy  dinionds  01 
the  finest  water. 

Most  of  the  time  senst  the  buv-menshent  brilyant  feet,  I  hev 
ben,  as  the  play  ses,_"  a  looker-on  in  Vienna,"  or  at  least  stayin 
in  that  naybrood  with  a  detachment  of  cavalry.  Bivowhackin 
in  the  field  is  plesent,  when  thar  isent  too  much  bushwhackin 
around.  Offsirs  that  cotton  to  wun  anuther  sit  by  the  camp- 
fires  of  an  evenin,  for  hours  together,  spinnin  yarns.  Thars  wun 
curus  story  that's  like  Old  Virginny — it  never  tires.  I  have 
heerd  menny  a  man  tell  a  graffic  tale,  that  hed  no  more  trooth 
inter  it  than  a  tellegraffic  messidge ;  but  this  story  is  as  true  as 
hisstory : 

It  seems  that  for  sum  munts  past  a  misterus  critter  hes  ben 
playin  hob  with  the  rebel  centries  and  pickets  in  the  woods 
below  Leesburg.  Sumtimes  they  hev  ben  found  on  thar  posts 
shot  in  the  neck  and  enable  to  make  any  response  to  the  ink- 
wiry,  "  How  cum  you  so  ?"  More'n  twenty,  I  onderstand,  hev 
at  diffrent  times  been  diskivered  mortally  wounded — and  all  too 
far  gone  in  speechless  aggerny  to  tell  wot  hurt  em.  At  least  an 
ekwill  number  hes  ben  killed  outright,  and  the  rongdoor  cant  be 
detected.  Pinned  to  each  victims  brest  is  found  a  rood  drorin  of 
a  bull  on  the  rampage,  from  witch  our  men  iufur  that  the  assas- 
sin hed  sum  deer  frend  or  relashin  slain  at  the  Bull  Run  stam- 
pede, and  takes  this  kwiet  method  of  accommodatin  his  felines 
of  revenge.  A  tall,  spare  figger,  about  the  bild  of  our  venabul 
President,  is  ockashinally  seen  flittin  throo  the  brush  in  the 
visinity  of  the  seen  of  blud,  but  all  attemps  to  chase  down  the 
long-legged  aparishin  hes,  so  far,  proved  bootless.  The  soopers- 
dishus  rebels  spose  the  "  Speckter  Scout"  (as  the  mistery  is 
called  by  our  sojers),  to  be  the  goste  of  John  Brown  on  the  war- 
path, and  they  allow  that  he  will  never  rest  in  his  grave  tell  he 


128  -WAB     LETTERS     OP 

lies  wiped  out  Guvner  Wise.  This  idee  seems  to  gain  confirina- 
shin  from  the  fact  that  the  airly  victims  all  belonged  to  the  Wise 
Login,  witch  is  sed  to  hev  fallen  back  in  order  to  git  outer 
harms  way. 

While  the  curryspondents  of  the  New  York  papers  is  furbid 
to  say  a  word  about  the  advance  as  is  goin  forrard,  rebel  spies 
huvers  about  our  camps  pickin  up  informashin  from  varus 
kwarters — headkwarters  inclooded.  Wun  hafe  of  the  peddlers 
is  nuthin  better'n  rebel  jayhawkers  in  desguys,  and  the  display 
of  thar  wars  is  oney  a  peace  of  subterfudge,  a  reglar  sell. 
Statshinary  venders  hev  repeetedly  betrayed  our  moovements, 
and  wunst,  in  consekens  of  a  diskivery  made  by  a  pretended 
cookey-marchant,  the  Cummander-in-chief  found  his  cake  all 
dough.  Shockin  to  relate,  fellers  blastfeemusly  passin  tharselves 
off  as  agents  of  Bible  Sosities  and  setch,  hes  sumtimes  gon  throo 
the  army  distribitting  the  Sakrid  Vollum  with  a  libral  hand,  for 
no  uther  purpus  than  to  entrap  the  onwary  inter  revelashins. 
The  defect  of  several  important  plans  has  also  ben  traist  to  coal- 
porters  as  perfest  to  emmanate  from  the  Young  Men's  Christian 
Assoshiashin.  lielidgin  bein  the  weak  side  of  most  of  our  offsirs, 
menuy  hes  ben  suckt  in  by  these  wulves  in  sheep's  peltry. 
Aiming  the  vile  pack  of  spies,  thar  is  likewise  not  a  few  as  deals 
in  keards ;  and  as  our  sojers  are  as  hot  for  poker  as  they  air  for 
preachin,  ef  not  more  so,  these  ongodly  sirkilators  of  the  Devil's 
books  hes  hed  considabul  sucksess  in  the  Poll  Pry  line.  This  is 
the  way  the  enemee  gets  inter  our  sekrits,  and  not  throo  telle- 
graft  dispatches  to  the  noosepapers,  witch  they  luck  upon  as 
little  better'n  invenshins  of  the  wire-pullers. 

You  never  seen  a  jollier  set  of  fellers  than  the  offsirs  hev  ben 
senst  we  took  the  feeld ;  and  the  Ginrals  of  divishin  is  onder- 
stood  to  be  now  engaged  in  gettin  up  sum  surprise  parties  witch 
it  is  thort  will  be  brillyant  affairs.  In  fact,  I  reckin  wun  of  em 
must  be  onder  way  at  present,  for  I  hear  the  cavalry  bugles 
soundin  to  boot  and  saddle.  I  must  tharfore  resign  the  pen  for 
the  swoord,  and  remain,  cger  for  the  fray, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XLIV. 

[Fatigued  with  victory,  our  eccentric  military  correspondent 
writes  from  the  scene  of  the  late  rebel  stampede.    We  have  an 


A     DISBANDED     VOLTJNTEEK.  127 

idea  that  his  modesty  does  not  stand  in  the  way  of  his  genius  for 
description  when  his  own  exploits  are  in  question.  It  cannot  be 
said  that  he  has  not  a  word  to  say  for  himself. — EDS.] 

•  STRASBUKG,  March  28, 1862. 
Eddylurs  of  the  Sunday  Merlcary  : 

Ginral  Maclellin  is  aciduously  preparin  to  giv  the  rebellyun  a 
fatal  punch,  wotever  the  spoony  agitators  of  the  Triboon  may 
say  to  the  contrary.  Purty  sun  the  hull  kentry  will  sing  Tedium, 
as  the  French  did  at  Not  a  Dam,  arter  the  fight  at  Sulphurino, 
and  over  a  victry  ekwilly  gloryus.  The  Anny  Condy  is  around  ! 
The  deth  skweedge  is  approachin  !  In  the  meantime  the  Ginral, 
knowin  that  a  negerness  to  carry  the  war  inter  Afrikey  hes  ben 
frettin  my  gizzard  ever  senst  the  sege  of  Washington  commenst, 
kindly  'lows  me  to  take  a  hand  in  the  prelimindary  skrimmedges. 
Consekently,  in  the  late  plucky  affares  at  Winchester  and  Stras- 
hurg  I  was  fortnit  enuff  to  pluck  a  few  lorils.  The  engagement 
on  Sunday  was  wun  of  the  hottest  shindies  that  hes  tuck  place 
dooriu  the  war.  No  dout  sum  of  your  Sam-singin  Sabbatarians 
will  consider  we  tuck  an  ougodly  libty  in  fitin  for  the  Onion  on 
the  Lord's  day.  But  you  kaiit  ajurn  a  battle  on  ackount  of  Sun- 
day, enny  more'n  you  ken  ajnrn  a  soler  ecleps  or  the  Vernil 
Equalnocks.  War  doosent  know  enny  setch  thing  as  a  dies  none. 
And  so  on  Sunday,  the  day  when  setch  divines  as  your  Revrend 
Doctor  Hawks  dekliues  to  ax  a  blessin  on  our  arms,  we  was 
"  makin  Mob  howl,"  as  the  prophet  I  Sayer  ses.  I'm  not  an  infid- 
dlc  by  no  means,  and  though  I  don't  harp  as  mutch  on  relidjus  sub- 
jecks  as  sum  foke's,  I  bleeve  in  keepin  the  Sabbath  wholly  ;  but 
an  army,  when  attacted,  must  take  its  own  part.  Ef  secesh  will 
consent  to  stack  arms  and  go  to  meetin  wun  day  in  seven,  so 
will  Yankee  Doodle ;  but  as  the  inspired  Jerry  Myer  remarks 
(chapter  C,  varse  14).  wots  the  use  of  "  sayin  Peace !  Peace  !  when 
thar  is  no  Peace."  When  thars  no  chice  atween  fitin  on  a  Sun- 
day and  bein  nockt  inter  the  middle  of  nex  week,  it  stands  to 
resin  that  sojevs  must  forego  thar  devoshins  rayther'n  becum  a 
pray  for  the  uuwiiteous. 

But  a  trooce  to  digreshins.  As  youre  awar,  nuthin  of  moment 
occurd  on  the  22d  instant,  eggsept  that  our  gloryus  Shield  was 
so  much  injerd  as  to  be  onfit  for  sarvice  the  follerin  clay.  The 
hull  army  regretted  the  axdent,  but,  as  the  Scripter  ses,  we  relied 
on  Providence  as  our  "  buckler  and  shoor  defence,"  and  went  in 
on  Sunday  mormn  feline  as  confident  of  suckcess  as  Saint  Gorge 
did  when  a  sal'un  the  Fie:.y  Dragon.  The  rebel  ranks  hed  ben 


128  WAR    LETTERS    OF 

sweld  doorin  the  night  by  a  new  corpse  five  thousand  strong, 
this  fresh  body  bein  led  by  Ginral  Garnet,  considerd  by  the 
secesh  a  milentary  jewill  of  the  fust  water.  They  thort  the 
nolledge  of  Garnet's  arrival  would  hev  gin  us  a  preshus  stun, 
but  we  hed  heerd  aforehand  that  his  men  was  a  passel  of  misabul 
topers,  and  besides  our  blud  was  up,  and  like  Heenan,  or  Sayers, 
or  the  New  York  Common  Counsell,  we  was  reddy  for  enny- 
thing  in  the  ring.  The  rebels  was  headded  by  Ginral  Jackson, 
who  doosent  claim  enny  relashinship  to  the  late  Hero  of  New 
Orleens,  tho  Ime  of  opinyun  that  his  right  to  a  descent  from  Old 
Hickry  in  a  direct  line — with  a  loop  at  the  eend  ont — kennot  be 
disputed. 

The  cumbat  opend  with  a  lively  artillery  dooill.  Our  round 
shot  smashed  thar  squars,  and  plowed  throo  thar  colluines  with 
harrowin  efl'eck.  Thar  fire  warnt  noways  slack  nuther,  and  as 
we  hed  both  got  our  ranges,  we  raked  wun  anuther  like  blazes. 
Purty  sun  thar  right  wing  fainted,  at  the  same  time  thar  flyin 
artillery,  follerd  by  a  large  boddy  of  foot,  pitched  in  over  on  the 
left.  Then  our  bands  struck  up  and  our  playtoons  advanced. 
It  was  a  trernenjus  struggle.  But  at  last  AVC  druv  em.  Nex  they 
tride  to  brake  o«r  center  by  an  eshellon  moovement,  but  they  got 
a  shellin  as  soon  convinced  em  it  was  a  bad  egg,  and  they  fell 
back  at  a  Flora  Temple  trot.  Then  follerd  a  suckseshin  oi 
attacts  and  repulses  till  about  4  P.  M.,  when  the  eggsausted  fo  findin 
wot  a  clock  it  was  with  em  began  to  giv  way.  Doorin  this  inter- 
val, sum  of  our  offsirs  and  men  performed  setch  progenies  of 
valor  as  is  the  nateral  offspring  of  stout  harts  and  a  wholly  caws. 
Wun  Suppletnrn,  of  the  Eighty-forth  Pennsylvany,  acktilly 
jumped  up  behint  a  Virginny  major  as  he  wheeled  his  hoss  to 
retreat,  and  ketchin  the  rains  with  his  left  hand  while  he  choked 
the  rider  with  his  right,  brort  him  in,  black  in  tho  face,  as  a 
prisner  of  war.  I  never  seen  a  prettyer  feet  of  arms.  The  major 
blastfeemed  orfully  when  he  rekivered  his  breth,  and  sect  it  was 
a  sircuss-rider's  trick  and  nuthm  better.  I  hed  sevral  pursenal 
runcounters  myself,  for  whenever  an  extree  charge  was  orderd, 
I  tuck  keer  to  be  counted  in.  On  wun  ockashin  a  rebel  kernil, 
armed  to  the  teeth  and  carryin  an  Arkansas  toothpick  as  probly 
weighd  nine  pounds  in  his  light  hand,  spurred  his  hoss  at  me, 
and  tlirowd  his  weepin  with  setch  murderous  force  that  it  went 
throo  my  milentary  flap-jack  and  inter  the  mouth  of  a  key-bugle 
forty  paces  in  the  rare,  eenamost  sendin  it  down  the  trumpeter's 
throte.  Ime  not  fond  of  blowin,  but  I  wisht  you'd  a  seen  the 
back  stroke  that  kemil  got  in  return.  It  sheered  off  his  coconut 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  129 

as  ef  his  neck  lied  ben  made  of  vegetabul  marrow  or  mangle 
worseill,  and  the  charger  dasht  on  with  the  raskilly  carcuss 
upright  in  the  saddle,  jest  as  ef  nnther  hoss  nor  man  was  con- 
slins  of  the  cutastrophy,  ontil  the  cuvus  speckticle  disappeered  in 
the  smoke  of  battle. 

About  liafe-past  4  in  the  arternoon  the  ptirsute  began,  and  of 
all  actyvc  pursutes  that  I  was  ever  engaged  in,  that  was  the  live- 
liest and  most  excitin.  We  druv  em  inter  Strasburg,  and  outer 
Strasburg,  and  ten  miles  bcyant  Strasburg,  like  straws  afore  the 
worldwind.  The  milentary  report  ses :  "  Our  artillery  played 
continally  on  the  rebels."  But  ef  that  was  playin,  I  wunder 
wot  Ginral  Banks  calls  airncst  ?  Monday  mornin  the  same  orful 
pastime  was  recommenst,  ontil  all  thar  survivin  foot  sojers  heel 
got  inter  the  mountins,  and  the  hoss  was  either  taken  or  cut  to 
peaces. 

line' so  stiff  in  the  jints  yet  with  hard  ridin  that  I  aint  by  no 
means  lit  for  littery  effort,  and  Ime  afeard  this  letter  isent  in  my 
tishil  elastick  vain.  As  sun  as  I  git  soopeld  out  I  shell  rite  agen, 
and  in  the  meantime  I  remane,  on  the  key  veeve  for  anuther 
skriinmidge,  Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  XLY. 

[The  old  Cynic  informs  us  in  a  private  note  which  accompa- 
nied the  following  letter,  that  when  he  wrote  it  he  was  suffering 
from  an  overflow  of  bile.  There  can  be  no  doubt  of  that. 
Some  parts  of  it  are  as  bitter  as  if  he  had  dipped  his  pen  in  his 

own  gall. — EDS.]   • 

WILLOW  GROVE,  NEAR  WO'ODSTUCK,  > 
VIRGINNY,  April  4,  1862.     > 

That  porshin  of  the  milentary  reptyle  onder  the  keer  of  Ginral 
Banks,  snakes  along  purty  lively.  Ef  the  tail  and  the  rest  of  the 
boddy  doos  as  well  as  the  head,  the  rebels  now  flyin  like  sheep 
every,  witch  way,  will  be  lammed  at  all  pints  and  finerly 
skwelchecl  in  its  corntracted  folds.  Toosday  bein  the  fust  of 
April,  Kernil  Ashby,  with  his  cavalry  and  sum  infantry,  sposed 
to  be  pairt  of  the  Wise  lejin,  hed  the  foolhardeeness  to  despute 
our  march,  but  in  coarse  we  was  more'n  a  match  for  em,  drivin 
em  eendways  twelve  milds  and  inter  Woodstuck  as  el  Lucyfur 
6* 


130  \VAE    LETTEKS     OF 

was  arter  em.  On  Wensday,  hevin  shelled  the  Kernil  outer 
Woodstuck,  and  inter  Edenburg  sevin  milds  beyant,  we  stopt  to 
inend  the  bridges  burnt  by  this  arch  rebel  and  his  incinderary 
follerers,  and  to-morrer  or  nex  day,  so  we  hop,  we  shall  be  arter 
him  agen  on  the  rode  to  Staunton.  Ginral  Jackson's  mane 
boddy  is  probly  saift  for  the  present  in  the  hills,  but  his  rare  is 
in  the  bottom  land,  and  we  expect  to  cut  it  off.  The  gait  at  witch 
these  high  minded,  onsensabul-to-fear-fellers  travels  is  a  caushin 
to  Jack-the-Joint  killer's  ^evin-legged  boots.  "Old  Virginny 
never  tire,"  the  song  ses,  and  no  more  it  doosent.  Ef  the  secesh 
kant  fight  for  the  commonweal,  they  ken  run  for  it  faster'n 
enny  common  wheel  you  ever  seen,  and  air  eenamost  ekwill 
to  thar  own  locomotives.  I've  heern  tell  of  the  wunderful  feets 
of  Jackson,  the  American  Deer,  but  I'll  bet  horns  round  for  a 
ridgement,  he  couldn't  hev  beat  Jackson,  the  American  traitor, 
when  he  was  on  the  full  lope  for  Strasburg  with  Kernil  Tyler 
and  the  Third  Brigade  at  his  hanches.  They  tork  like  Spurty- 
cuss  in  the  Gladiater,  these  Suthern  leaders,  but  they  aint  wuth 
a  darn  at  closte  kwarters.  I  onderstand  that  W.  II.  Russell, 
Hell,  Hell,  D. — as  the  cocknees  calls  him — speaks,  in  his  last 
letter  to  his  owners  in  London,  of  the  "  onyieldin  South."  Ei 
the  Father  of  Fibs  should  ever  go  inter  the  travellin  sircuss 
line,  he  oughter  to  engage  that  farsceshus  gentelman  as  clown 
to  the  infarnal  ring ;  his  grimaces  in  black  and  white  takes  the 
shine  out  of  all  the  odd  tricks  I  ever  seen  played  with  the 
papers,  and  I've  ben  a  speshil  curryspondent  of  the  press  for 
over  twelve  years.  "  Onyieldin  South !"  But  mebbe  he  means 
the  cotton  and  terbacker  fields,  witch  sartinly  is  likely  to  be 
rather  onyieldin  for  a  seesin  or  two. 

The  noose  from  Port  Rile  is  plesent,  isent  it  ?  The  "  onyieldin  " 
rebels  lies  scudded  off  from  the  Scudaway  batteries,  and  bolted 
like  thunder  from  Fort  Thunderbolt.  The  bellygerents  at  Fort 
Poolasky  also  wants  to  evackyate,  but  thars  no  passidge  open, 
and  they'll  hev  to  cave  in.  In  the  neybrood  ot  Bufort,  North 
Caroliny,  the  Last-ditchers  is  ekwilly  ankshus  to  clar  out,  witch 
may  be  eggspressed  in  a  single  standsir  as  follers : 

The  cornered  rebels  in  Fort  Makin 
Desires,  in  vain,  to  save  thar  bakin, 
But  bein  mau-and-God-forsakin, 
Will  by  a  salt  be  shortly  takin  ; 
For  Goldsboro  thar  walls  will  break  in, 
While  Burnside  gives  thar  rare  a  rakin. 
Oh  !  won't  thar  be  a  dry-bones  shakin, 
A  reglar  third-day  ager  kwakin, 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  181 

When  Yankee  troops,  for  glory  achin 
Knock  Smith  to  smithers  in  Fort  Makin? 

It  seems  thars  no  feesabul  way  for  the  rebels  to  vamose  iron 
Fort  Makin,  eggsept  by  way  of  Rogues  Sound,  and  Ginral  Burn- 
side  sposin  they  would  instinktively  take  that  rout,  lies  headeu 
em  off  at  Morehead  City,  witch  is  jest  oppersit.  To  use  a  favorii 
Suthern  frays  theyre  "  dun  gon  in."  Captin  Smith  who  com- 
mands the  iortyficashin,  is  about  as  badly  off  as  the  coon  thai 
surrendered  to  his  namesake,  and  he'd  better  cum  down  aloro 
the  shootin  begins  ef  he  wants  to  save  his  peltry.  I  scarsly  think 
thar  11  be  inutch  fushin  of  blud  at  Fort  Makin,  for  Smith,  as  you 
will  gess  from  his  name,  belongs  to  wun  of  the  numerus  fust, 
famalies  in  the  South,  and  probly  wouldn't  like  to  be  wiped  out 
by  common  Northern  mudsills. 

Charlestoun  it  seems  is  an  orful  funk,  and  the  civil  funkshinaries 
at  last  acknounts,  was  talkin  of  settin  fire  to  the  city,  and  runnin 
away  by  the  light  of  it — a  favorit  dodge  in  the  "  Onyieldin 
South."  The  wimmen  and  children  was  leavin,  and  the  men, 
notwithstandin  thar  wish  to  welkim  the  "  Cowardly  Yanks " 
"  with  bluddy  hands  to  horspitable  graves,"'  felt  as  ef  it  was 
their  dooty  to  foller  on  and  look  arter  their  famalies.  The  rebel 
ginral  Evans  recently  marched  from  that  visinnity  in  sairtch  of 
the  invaders,  and  on  lindin  em,  iuimediently  "  retreated  in  a  mas- 
terly manner."  The  Onyielders  is  not  introosive.  Ef  thars  enny- 
thing  for  witch  they  air  remarkabul  it  is  their  retirin  dispers- 
shins,  and  thar  bashiulness  in  the  presence  of  a  Union  crowd. 
Floyd,  Pillow,  Wise,  Jackson,  Johnston,  evryboddy  in  fack,  as 
is  ennyboddy,  in  Dixie,  retires  in  a  masterly  manner.  Advancin 
backards  is  thar  fort. 

Mebbe  afore  this  gits  inter  prent  thar'll  be  a  grate  fight  in  Vir- 
giuny,  and  mebbe  thar  wont.  The  moovments  of  the  big  army 
wurm  as  is  to  enwollop  the  rebels  in  its  coils,  is  ambigus. 
Sum  thinks  it  is  of  the  same  genus  as  the  sellybrated  mareen 
monster  as  visits  Nayhaunt  every  summer  ajid  is  conneckted 
with  so  menny  tales.  Uthers  calls  it  a  chunk-bed  and  allows 
thars  nuthin  inter  it,  but  my  opinyun  is  that  the  critter's  of  the 
Great  Bore  speshis,  and  will  as  sartainly  swaller  the  Rebellyun 
as  the  whale  bolted  Jonah  or  Barnum's  snake  the  blanket.  Ef 
it  doosent  sumthin  else  will,  so  wots  the  odds  ? 

Hopin  that  the  general  lickin,  witch,  accorain  to  nateralists 
precedes  the  boltin  in  setch  cases,  will  sun  take  place,  I  remain, 
wurmily,  Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED 


132  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

NO.   XLVL 

[Humor  oozes  out  of  the  old  veteran  as  naturally  as  gum  out 
oi  a  peach-tree,  but  it  is  by  no  means  as  soft  and  saccharine. 
The  palpable  hits  at  heroes  who  cultivate  the  correspondents  of 
the  press  with  the  hope  of  figuring  in  print,  will  touch  some- 
body hi  the  raw,  and,  in  fact,  a  good  many  somebodies — or,  more 
properly  speaking,  nobodies.  There  is  also  a  sly,  but  not  ill- 
natured,  poke  at  the  censorship — the  one  mistake  of  our  ener- 
getic Secratary  of  War.  The  Disbanded,  it  will  be  seen,  is  now 
with  the  grand  Army  of  the  Potomac,  than  whom  a  finer  body 
of  men-at-arms  never  took  the  field. — EDS.] 

HEAD  KWARTERS,  NEAR  YORKTOWN,  ) 
VIRGINNY,  April  9,  1802.  > 

Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  MerTcary  : 

In  compliants  with  orders  from  head  kwarters  I  cut  my  stick 
from  Ginral  Bankses  divishin  at  Stunny  Crick  on  Friday  last,  for 
the  porpus  of  jining  Ginral  Maclellin's  staff.  My  feller  a  decamps 
oi  the  Fift  Army  Corpse,  showed  the  most  lively  emoshin  at 
partin,  and  I  must  say  I  was  considabully  mooved  myself  as  I 
gall npped  off.  Ginral  Banks  was  kind  enuff  to  remark  that  he 
was  sorry  to  looze  the  sarvices  of  setch  a  distingwished  old 
sojer,  and  presented  me  with  a  pocket-pistil  as  a  shootable  tokin 
of  a  steam.  Wun  of  my  bruther  offsirs  gin  me  a  flask  us  a  cuin- 
paniun  to  the  pistil,  and  I  now  ware  em  about  my  purson  as  a 
mementor  of  the  glorious  sperits  I  left  behind  me  in  the  Fift 
Divishin.  Ginral  Maclellin  receved  me  with  mutch  swervity 
and  perliteness,  returnin  my  respeckful  bow  with  the  kwiet 
curtsy  peculiar  to  that  wunderful  struttygist.  I  am  afeard  you 
will  regaird  me  as  little  better 'n  a  bag  of  wind  in  makin  wot 
may  seem  to  be  vane  pursenal  illushins  to  myself,  but  I  asshoor 
you  I  am  not  puft  up  in  the  leest  by  the  oner  dun  me,  but  conr 
tinny  jest  as  condesendin  to  my  ekwils  as  ef  I  warn't  made  mutch 
of.  Atwixt  ourselves,  Eddyturs,  I  hev  my  douts  whether  I 
should  be  treted  with  setch  a  grate  attenshin,  but  for  bein  the 
curryspondent  of  an  influenshil  noosepaper.  When  a  kernil 
gives  me  an  oncomnion  hard  squeedge  of  the  hand,  I  put  down 
two-thirds  of  the  presshur  to  the  fack  that  I  am  a  member  of  the 
press,  and  I  kant  kelp  thinkin  as  the  little  presents  of  segars  and 
shampain  sent  so  frekwently  to  my  kwarters  lies  more  inter  em 
than  meets  the  eye.  As  a  means  oi  oblamin  prornoshin,  the  pen, 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  133 

as  you  are  awar,  is  sumtiines  mityern  the  swoord.  I  could  add 
more  on  this  interistin  tropic,  but  it  shall  never  be  sed  that  D.  V. 
vilated  the  confidence  even  of  the  confidence  kernilo  as  reposed 
thar  ambishus  hops  in  his  onabul  buzzum.  I  would  say,  how- 
sever,  throo  your  abel  jernil — witch  is  kept  on  file  by  milentary 
men  of  evry  rank — that  my  sole  spurns  corrupshin,  and  that  no 
amount  of  hideseek  and  regalees  will  indoose  me  to  reckymend 
fether-headed  boasters  as  proper  persons  to  be  made  Bragadears. 
Incompetent  offsirs  as  eggspecks  me  to  write  em  up,  leans  on  a 
brokin  read. 

But  I  am  stragglin  off  from  the  matter  in  hand,  witch  is  the 
proposed  seeser  01  Yorktown.  The  path  of  Glory  lays  open 
afore  us,  but  the  road  is  bad.  Ever  senst  the  army  left  Cockle- 
town  the  hevvy  mud  lies  ben  a  severe  trial  to  the  mussels  of  the 
men.  On  Toosday  it  rained  pitchforks  and  blowed  great  guns, 
witch,  in  addishin  to  the  shells  throne  at  us  by  the  enemee, 
made  the  rout  ennything  but  plesent.  It  is  difficult  to  wheel  a 
collume  whar  the  ruts  is  deep  enuff  for  graves,  and  eenamost 
onpossabul  to  wheel  a  gun-carridgc,  and  in  coarse  with  setch 
tremenjus  engines  of  war  we  frekwently  broke  a  shaft.  Ornary 
humans  Avould  hev  considerd  an  advance  outer  the  kwestin,  but 
this  army  consists  prencepully  of  sooperhumans.  They  clasht 
at  dubble  kwick  throo  onpentrable  woods,  and  fairly  danced 
acrost  bottomless  moreasses.  Ef  a  battery  opened  onter  us  we 
immediently  shet  it  up.  Skrimmidgin  was  frekwent  on  the 
march,  but  I  hev  heerd  of  nuthin  to  the  enernee's  advantidge. 
The  press,  as  ushil,  disting wished  itself.  I  larn  that  on  Sunday 
the  curryspondent  of  the  New  York  World  brort  in  three  pris- 
ners,  wun  oncler  each  arm  and  wun  on  his  back.  Wot  a  corn- 
trast  to  Russell's  Bull  Run  from  Centerveal. 

Hevin  overcum  all  prelimindary  obstickles  we  air  now  encampt 
within  two  milds  of  Yorktown,  gettin  reddy  to  go  in.  But  the 
works  of  the  rebels  is  voloominus.  They  eggstcnd  clar  acrost 
the  tung  of  land  atwixt  the  mouths  of  York  and  James,  and  sho 
setch  a  formadouble  row  of  teeth  that  to  attact  em  seems  like 
rushin  inter  the  jaws  of  destruckshin.  I  menshin  this  fack  that 
the  publick  may  appreshiate  the  eggsplite,  when  these  impreg- 
nable fortyficashins  is  carried  with  the  bagnet.  The  rebel 
resarves  behind  the  wurks  is  varusly  estimated  at  from  15  thou- 
sand to  51  thousand  vetruns.  I  dont  know  witch  number  is 
right,  but  lie  hev  em  counted  ef  possabul  when  the  place  is  tuck, 
and  let  you  know. 

Balloon   reckonnuisances  is  made  frekwently.     I  went  up 


134  WABLETTEBSOF 

ycstday  myself,  as  high  as  the  highest  mounting  in  the  ney- 
brood,  and  obtaned  important  informashin,  with  I  will  send  you 
arter  the  sege  is  over,  ef  Seckatry  Stanton  doosent  objeck.  It 
ks,nt,  howsever,  be  a  vilashin  of  the  57th  artickle  to  state,  that 
with  the  assistants  of  a  dubble-ackshin  pay  tent  refractory  telle- 
scope,  I  brort  Ginral  Magruder  so  near  that  I  could  eenamost 
hear  him  swar  and  could  distinctly  see  him  drink.  He  peered 
to  be  takin  a  horn  about  the  size  of  the  wun  as  bloo  down  the 
walls  of  Jerryco.  The  offsirs  ginrally  seemed  to  be  engaged  in 
similder  ginastick  eggsersizes.  It  was  a  butiful  Spring  day,  was 
yestday,  and  I  hev  seldum  seen  the  swallers  more  numerus. 

Among  the  spiles  taken  this  week  was  a  curus  dockyment 
found  in  the  desarted  shanty  of  a  rebel  engineer  offsir.  It  was  a 
kornpleat  plan  of  Ginral  Maclellin's  forrard  moovement,  and 
the  date  shode  as  Magruder  hed  all  the  particklers  from  A  to 
Izzerd,  long  afore  the  Nuthern  press  was  awar  that  the  grand 
army  was  going  to  moove  at  all.  I  merely  elude  to  this  little 
incident  en  possum,  as  the  French  say,  as  a  strikin  pruff  of  the 
saygassity  displaid  in  institootin  the  tellegraft  censureship,  in 
order  to  keep  the  enemee  in  the  dark  as  to  the  struttygems  of  the 
Commandin  Ginral.  Whoos  the  infarnal  traitor  as  peeped  over 
the  sholder  of  the  Guverment  V — that  s  the  kwestin. 

Thars  a  rummer  from  the  Roads  as  that  tuff  customer  the 
Merrymac  and  sevin  steam  tenders,  is  all  reddy  for  anuther  tug 
o^  war,  and  I  spose  by  the  time  this  letter  reaches  you  the  fight 
will  hev  ben  fit  and  the  victry  wun.  I  trust  the  Monitor  will 
rip  inter  the  old  Turtle's  iron  shell ;  but  ef  she  doosent,  the 
Vanderbilt's  purty  shure  to  run  throo  the  infarnal  cuss  ef  they 
let  her  rip.  But  wots  the  use  of  speckerlatiu  when  the  issoo 
will  prchaps  be  decided  afore  these  lines  cums  to  hand  ;  and 
not  onprobably  the  encmees  lines,  witch  I  ken  see  stretchin  for 
milds  on  ether  side  as  I  set  ritin  in  my  tent,  will  be  in  our 
perseshin.  Hopin  we'll  make  anuther  Cornwallis  of  Magruder 
by  nex  week  at  the  latest,  and  that  when  taken  he  wont  be  too 
drunk  to  be  aniusin,  I  remain,  antizzipating  victry, 

Yours,  allus,  A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEB. 


No.  XLVH. 

[The  following  letter  from  the  dry  old  joker  will  bear  twice 
reading.    It  will  make  appreciative  readers  laugh  inwardly, 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  135 

if  it  does  not  "  set  the  table  in  a  roar".    Quiet  satire  is  the  veter- 
an's forte,  but  the  caustic  stream  runs  deep. — EDS.] 

IN  FBUNT  OP  YOKKTOWN,  April  14, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

To  use  a  eunick  and  novil  frays,  much  patternized  by  the 
tellagraft,  evrything  is  progressin  favorbly.  Sevral  thousand 
conterbands  is  engaged  to-day  in  draggin  artillry  mules  outer  the 
moreasses ;  and  ef  the  wether  continnees  fine,  the  hevvy  howits- 
tirs  as  disapered  in  the  kwogmires  doorin  our  march  will  be 
razed  by  the  last  of  April.  Hevin  takin  the  precawshin  to  plant 
boys  over  the  places  whar  the  guns  went  down,  the  men  will  no 
whar  to  dig  for  em,  and  tho  even  thar  breeches  has  gone  under, 
I  hev  no  dout  they  will  all  be  brort  to  the  sirfiz.  Here  in  camp, 
the  mud  is  mostly  half  leg  deep  for  light  infantry,  and  sum  of 
the  German  ridgements  is  up  to  the  seckind  jint  in  the  saft  and 
plastic  sile.  The  ground  about  Ginral  Maclellin's  hed-kwarters 
presents  the  aperience  of  a  cow-yard  arter  a  three  weeks'  steddy 
rain,  and  the  waity  members  of  his  niillentary  fammaly  nowund 
then  sticks  fast  in  the  slow.  Bein  light  and  spry  hisself,  he 
manages  to  skip  the  bad  places,  and  so  avides  bein  stuck.  As  a 
ginral  thing,  the  upper-crust  will  support  a  small  drummer.  A 
panick  onder  setch  suckemstances  would  be  onplesent,  bekase 
it  would  be  onpossabul  to  run  as  fast  as  on  terror  finner. 

Howsever,  thars  no  danger  of  a  panick.  Not  a  man  in  this 
invinsabul  army  nose  what  fear  is  well  enuff  to  diskribe  it  with- 
out a  dickshinary.  We  air  all  as  jolly  as  ef  war  was  a  plesent 
game  at  keards — tho  we  no  not  how  sun  the  strongest  harts 
amung  us  may  be  played  out  and  kivered  with  thar  cumraids 
spades.  As  to  the  shufflin  and  cuttin — we  leave  that  to  the 
"  nateral  heroes''  of  the  Land  of  the  Last  Ditch.  Wun  of  our 
amusements  (I  elude  to  the  offsirs)  is  to  get  the  darkeys  to  dance 
for  us  wen  thar  days  wurk  is  dun.  Thars  a  dry  green  spot  about 
a  pistil -shot  from  my  tent,  whar  a  passel  of  us  gethers  evry  pies- 
cut  evenin  to  see  our  cukurnber-legged  frends  perform  thar 
wunderful  brake-downs,  and  with  the  help  of  a  little  "  Crook- 
shin  lawn"  [old  Mungoheeler  whiskey)  we  manedge  to  hev  a 
very  lively  feet  shampeter. 

The  sqjers  is  strickly  forbidden  to  plunder ;  but  ef  fethers  and 
brissels  doosent  gro  spontanusly  in  these  swomps,  Ime  inklined 
to  think,  from  apcriences,  that  seecesh  chickens  and  shoats  is 
considabully  corufiscated  in  a  privit  way  by  independent  forrid- 
gin  partees. 

It  may  be  as  the  owls  cro  like  roosters  in  this  regin,  and  that 


136  \7AK    LETTEKS     OF 

the  grunts  I  hecr  at  night  is  the  snorin  of  the  German  hevy 
dragons,  but  I  hev  sartinly  heerd  the  same  noisea  whar  thar  was 
hen-rusts  and  pig-pens. 

Balloon  investigashins  takes  place  daily,  and  a  correck  and 
relieable  map  of  the  hull  airy  of  the  enemee's  wurks  hes  ben  tuck 
by  wun  of  our  errornots.  The  seecesh,  howsever,  hes  sot  up  a 
noppersishin,  and  sports  neerly  as  big  a  bag  of  wind  as  we  do. 
They  call  it  the  Giddyun  Pillow,  arter  the  inflated  bein  of  that 
name  as  kullapsed  at  Fort  Donelson.  Yestday  both  consarns 
was  up  at  wunst,  and  cum  so  closte  together  that  riful  shots  was 
eggschanged  atweeu  the  civil  engineers  in  the  baskets.  It  is 
thort  that  a  bullet  fired  by  wun  of  our  topografical  fellers  perpe- 
trated the  bottom  of  the  rebel  gas  bag,  but  it  retired  in  good 
order  to  the  frendly  kiver  of  a  nayborin  cloud  to  hev  the  hole 
darned.  The  results  of  our  atmostfearical  scoutin,  so  far,  is  ray- 
ther  startlin.  The  fo  is  reported  at  wun  hunderd  and  fifty  thou- 
sand strong,  with  six  hunderd  guns  ;  but  sum  thinks  the  trunks 
of.  the  trees  they  air  haulin  from  the  woods  to  bild  brestwurks 
was  mistakin  for  artillry.  As  the  balloon  estimit  of  the  rebel 
force  at  Manasses  was  two  hunderd  thousand  men,  with  fortifi- 
cashins  ekwill  to  the  Mollycoff  and  the  Mammylon  at  Seblasty- 
pull,  and  the  actil  number  turnt  out  to  be  oney  forty  thousand, 
behint  sum  misabul  airthwurks,  it  is  sposed  by  refiectin  minds 
that  errorstatic  observashins  is  allmity  onsartin.  Purfessor  La 
Mounting  ses  that  the  refractoriness  of  the  upper  atmostfear  is 
amazin,  and  that  Avhen  the  obsarver  is  elevated  above  a  givin 
pint  he  is  apt  to  see  dubble.  This  skyentific  vew  of  the  case  hes 
ben  adopted,  I  bleve,  by  Ginral  Maclellin. 

Senst  my  last,  I  hev  spent  two  plesent  days  with  the  advance, 
as  a  volunteer  sharp-shooter.  I  never  tride  the  tellascupic  sites 
afore,  and  J  consider  em  a  grate  conveenyance.  At  a  kwarter  of 
a  mild  they  bring  wun  of  the  "  nateral  lords  of  the  sile"  so  neer 
that  the  ornaryest  backwoodsman  kant  miss  him.  I  laid  in 
ambush  behint  a  chinkapin  bush  and  plugged  seventeen,  takin 
keer,  howsever,  not  to  hit  em  in  the  hed,  or  the  stummick,  or 
enny  vital  part ;  bekase  as  it  takes  four  well  men  to  carry  off  a 
cripple,  evry  wownded  man  counts  five  outer  the  ranks,  while  a 
ded  feller,  rekwirin  no  assistants,  is  left  whar  he  draps,  and  oney 
counts  one.  The  most  important  strutegic  manover  in  war  is  to 
knock  a  man  over  without  killin  him.  Frinstance,  when  thars 
twenty-five  thousand  of  the  enemee,  ef  you  kin  wownd  five 
thousand,  it  takes  the  uther  twenty  thousand  to  tote  em  away, 
by  witch  the  feeld  is  left  vakint  and  they  air  totally  defected. 


A    DISBANDED     VOLXJNTEEK.  137 

(See  the  Hull  Art  of  War  by  the  Curryspondent  of  the  Sinsinater 
Times.) 

Torkin  of  the  press,  the  ritcrs  for  that  omnippertcnt  institooshin 
is  kiverin  thai-selves  with  glory  on  this  peninslur.  Ime  proud 
of  the  frayternity.  Pen  in  hand,  they  persoo  thar  inkwiries  evry- 
whars.  The  currysponclent  of  the  New  York  Times  lied  a  fence 
rail  shot  onder  him  last  week,  while  settin  onto  it  galliantly  takin 
notes  of  an  afiair  of  outposts.  Anuther  distingwished  jurney- 
man  jurnilist  was  chaste  three  furlongs  acrost  an  open  by  a 
reckoshettin  ball,  and  saved  his  life  by  fallin  inter  a  gully  jest  as 
it  hopt  over.  The  world  would  hev  regretted  his  loss,  ef  the 
missill  hed  put  him  throo.  The  artists  for  the  pictoryals  is  also 
cool  and  cam  in  the  midst  of  the  most  eminent  dangers,  and  wun 
of  em  cum  very  neer  bein  rubbed  out  yestday  while  makin  a 
sketch  of  sum  skeclacldlin  rebels.  A  shell  fell  inter  his  hat, 
witch  he  hed  takin  off  for  coolness,  but  fortnitly,  like  menny 
uthers,  it  hed  no  lews. 

The  plans  of  Ginral  Maclellin  for  usin  up  the  shiverally  at 
Yorktown  air  the  most  masterly  that  lies  ever  ben  corntrived 
senst  Siezir  crost  the  Rubignn.  Setch,  I  larn  from  a  desarter,  is 
the  opinyun  of  Ginral  Jo  Jonstuu,  the  rebel  cummander,  who 
hes  hed  em  by  him  ever  senst  the  middle  of  March.  In  coarse  I 
am  not  aloud  to  whisper  wot  they  air,  but  all  the  particklers  is 
in  'the  Norfolk  and  Richmound  papers ;  Seckatry  Stanton's 
standin  order  for  the  promoshin  of  lyal  ignorance  not  bein 
respected  by  thar  sassy  ecldyturs. 

It  is  reported  here  that  the  Merrymac  bust  a  gun  Avhen  she  was 
out  in  the  Roacls  tuther  day,  and  that  but  for  the  magnannymus 
detarminashin  of  the  Seckatry  of  the  Navy  to  take  no  advantidges 
of  a  genrus  fo,  she  mought  hev  ben  nockt  eendways.  Seckatry 
Welles  is  the  right  man  in  the  right  place.  Dont  you  think  so  ? 
I  dont,  by  thunder  J 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER 


No.  XLVHI. 

[Hampered  by  the  Star  Chamber  edict  of  the  War  Depart- 
ment, our  old  correspondent  writes  this  week  with  less  than  his 
usual  vim.  It  is  easy  to  see  that  he  pines  under  the  restraint 


138  WAR    LETTERS     OP 

imposed  upon  him  by  the  Senseless  Censorship  of  the  Press. — 

EDS.] 

ADVANCE  GAUD,  YORKTOWN  PENINSLUR,  > 
April  23,  1802.  > 

Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merlcary : 

Senst  I  rit  last  things  lies  gon  on  in  the  ushil  rootin  stile ;  but 
as  the  rains  hes  ceast  and  the  sakrid  sile  is  no  longer  an  infarnal 
dam,  its  not  onprobabul  that  the  stormin  will  sun  coinmense. 
Our  boys,  as  you  may  conjecter  is  egur  to  take  the  shine  outer 
the  blasted  Seecesh,  and  ef  they  cut  up  ruff  they'll  git  polisht  off 
in  short  order. 

Sum  thinks,  howsever,  that  as  the  uther  collumes  of  our  army 
drors  to  a  foecus  on  thar  flank  and  rare,  the  cornfedrits  seein  no 
outlet  from  the  intrickit  maize,  will  acknollidge  the  corn  as  Corn- 
wallis  did,  without  waitin  to  be  shelled  out.  Cobb.  I  ouderstand, 
is  in  a  desput  way  at  the  prospeck,  and  a  kernil  as  was  tuck 
prisner'this  moruin  ses  he  would  give  his  ears  to  be  outer  the 
scrape.  He  hes  no  confidence  in  the  resent  raw  re-enforcements 
standin  fire. 

But  my  own  idee  is,  that  a  bluddy  struggel  is  brewin.  The 
rebellyun  is  a  hopless  case,  but  they'll  fight  it  out  to  the  bitter 
eend.  Ef  our  gunboats  could  git  up  the  James,  we'd  put  em 
throo  thar  jimnastics  purty  kwick.  They'd  find  it  rayther  a 
hard  row  to  hoe  to  hold  thar  present  persishin  onder  a  rakin 
fire  from  that  kwarter.  But  the  Merrymac  is  cock  of  the  walk, 
and  bein  aloud  to  crow  it  over  everything  we  hev  in  the  Roads, 
thars  no  chanst  for  our  turkles  to  run  up  inter  the  inteeryur  and 
help  us  carry  Yorktown  by  a  coo  de  main.  Our  fleet  lied  the 
monster  fowl  tuther  day,  with  its  big  gun  busted  and  its  beak  in 
the  mud,  but  the  orders  was  not  to  attact,  so  the  Monitor  and 
the  Nogotuck,  and  the  Vanderbelt  and  cetery,  hed  to  look  on 
till  the  critter  was  got  off,  arter  which  it  made  a  tact  acrost  the 
harbor  and  retired  with  drums  beatin  and  cullers  flyin  as  a 
triboot  of  respect  to  the  asstoot  head  of  our  Navy  Department. 
Isent  it  a  shame  setch  a  funkshinary  should  be  the  alpher  and 
onager  of  our  nobul  mareen?  Why  doosent  the  venabul  old 
Rip  Van  Winkle  retire  from  the  Naval  burrow  to  Sleepy  Hol- 
low, whar  he  naterally  blongs  ?  We  want  a  feiler  thar  as  nose 
beens,  and  not  an  auntydiloovian  as  nose  nuthen  but  has  beens, 
and  barly  that.  Noah  wouldent  hev  shipt  setcli  an  old  fogy  as 
a  forrard  hand  to  holystone  his  blessed  decks. 

The  cnemee  in  frunt  continnees  bizzy  spadin  up  new  airth- 
wurks,  but  the  punches  they  git  from  our  artillry  rayther 


A     DISBANDED    VOLUNTEER.  139 

damps  thar  ardent  sperrits,  often  indoocin  em  to  thro  down  the 
shuvvel  and  the  ho,  and  dig  for  saifter  diggins.  Evry  day  thar 
wurkin  parties  fall  back  hafe  a  duzzen  times  for  want  of  proper 
support,  while  setch  is  the  eggsellent^frovishin  made  for  kiverin 
our  trenchers  that  they  air  allus  full  of  pluck.  The  firing  of 
Burden's  sharpshooters  inflicks  hevy  losses  on  the  rebels.  No 
sunner  doos  a  gunner  show  than  he's  a  goner.  Thirteen  was 
rubbed  out  yestday  while  spunging  thar  pieces,  and  still  anuther 
who  was  sightin  a  Parrott  loaded  with  grape,  reseved  a  bullet  in 
the  ball  of  each  eye  at  the  same  moment.  The  latter  bein 
onable  to  see  whar  he  was  goin,  walked  strait  inter  the  Fedral 
lines,  and  altho  kwite  blind,  is  thort  to  hev  a  good  look  to 
rekiver. 

Our  advance  is  now  oney  seven  hunderd  yards  from  thar  out- 
wurks,  and  when  the  wind  is  right  we  ken  hear  em  blastfeem. 
Ef  profanity  was  fatil  at  that  distance,  we  should  all  hev  ben  to 
the  devil  long  ago,  for  the  retches  swar  at  us  like  troopers. 
Misabul  sinn  TS — onackvvainted  with  the  provub  that  cusses  is 
like  chickens,  and  goes  hum  for  the  same  porpus — they  little 
thinkin  what  hell-roosts  they  air  imkin  of  thar  onfortnit  soles. 
Mebbe  ef  they  hed  hed  as  menny  pius  tracks  to  guide  em  as  we 
hev,  they  would  never  hev  wanderd  from  the  strait  and  narrer 
path  inter  the  broad  way  that  leads  to  destruckshin. 

We  ort  to  make  allowances  for  the  fact  that  they  air  destitoot 
of  mishinaries,  and  hev  no  coalporters  to  giv  em  informasliin 
about  the  fire  that  is  never  kwenched.  Indeed  they  must  be 
pitably  ignorant  about  setch  matters,  otherways  Bowerygard 
would  never  hev  eggspected  to  find  water  for  his  hoss  whar  it 
kant  be  obtained  for  no  price.  But  how  kin  you  hop  to  find 
enny  relidjus  sentiment  aniung  peeple  as  hev  no  Sunday  papers, 
and  attends  theayters  on  the  Sabbath  day,  and  parsecutes  meek 
and  lowly  ministers  of  the  gospel  like  Parson  Brownlow  ? 

These  remarks,  howsever,  is  less  shootable  to  a  camp  than  a 
camp  meetin.  To  return  to  secklar  matters :  Purfessor  Low 
has  jest  desended  from  the  skies  in  his  big  balloon  "  Agasis,"  and 
reports  that  Jeff  Davis  has  arrived  at  Yorktown  with  suckers  to 
the  amount  of  nine  thousand  men.  He  ses  he  counted  the 
sojers,  and  he  knew  Jeff  by  his  long  neck ;  but  then  the  pur- 
fessor  is  sumwot  given  to  stretchin.  I  remember  a  few  years 
ago,  I  gin  fifty  cents  to  see  Low  start  from  New  York  by  the  air 
line  for  London,  but  arter  raisin  the  wind,  lo  and  behold,  as  tho 
Devil  would  hev  it,  he  oney  went  as  far  as  the  Elysium  Feelcls. 
My  own  bleef  is,  that  most  all  the  big  stories  we  hear  about 


140  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

seecesh  re-enforcements  and  setch,  amounts  to  nix ;  and,  like  the 
late  rummer  of  a  Union  defeat  at  Elizabeth,  purceeds  from  the 
Father  of  Lize. 

Thar  was  a  butiful  shindy  in  the  rebel  lines  yestday  arter- 
noon. 

Two  ridgements  heel  apursenal  dilferculty,  and  we  could  see  em 
firin  into  wun  anulher  for  hafe  hour  or  so  in  a  lively  style,  killin 
inenny  on  both  sides.  It  was  a  puzzle  to  all  of  us  why  they 
should  riddle  wun  anuther  in  a  plug-muss,  wen  they  no  well 
enuff  that  our  men  is  spilin  for  a  fight  and  reddy  to  put  em  throo 
at  the  shortest  notis.  Howsever,  its  not  onplesent  to  witness  a 
bluddy  ruff  and  tumble  atwixt  two  sets  of  ruffyuns,  when  wun 
reflecks  that  witchever  of  the  skallywags  whips  its  all  right  for 
our  side. 

A  desartcr  who  cum  in  about  an  hour  ago,  ses  it  was  a  skrim- 
midge  atwixt  a  South  Carolinyridgement  and  a  boddy  of  Virginny 
Volunteers  as  was  resenlly  enlisted  agen  thar  will  at  the  pint  of 
the  bagnet,  and  that  the  muttonneers  hed  the  best  of  it.  When 
troops  of  Sister  States  pitches  inter  wun  anuther  arter  this 
fashin,  its  a  sign  that  the  ties  of  hi  utherhood  is  brokin,  and  that 
the  aifairs  of  the  rebels  is  approachin  a  crysis. 

The  grand  a  salt  was  onavoidably  postponed  last  week,  on 
account  of  the  rain,  but  the  day  is  now  fixt,  and  it  will  cuin  off 
at  the  appinted  time,  rain  or  shine,  wether  or  no.  In  the  mean- 
time evrything  goes  on  as  agreeably  as  the  most  sanguinary 
frends  of  the  Union  could  desire.  I  send  you  the  oridginal  plan 
of  attact  (which  hes  senst  ben  changed),  but  in  coarse  you  hev 
tact  enuff  not  to  prent  it.  Seckatry  Stantons  standin  order  agen 
givin  aid  and  curnfurt  to  the  enemee  by  foretellin  past  events,  is 
still  in  full  force,  and  as  I  dont  want  you  to  git  inter  diffikulty 
by  predictin  wot  might  hev  happened  onder  circumstances 
witch  dident  occur,  you  hed  better  not  menshin  to  ennybody 
that  if  Ginral  Maclellins  first  projeck  hed  ben  carried  out  it 
mought  possably  hev  ben  consummated.  I  hev  reson  to  no  that 
I  am  onder  the  strick  sirvillians  of  the  Censer  of  the  Press, 
and  tharfore  ef  Yorktown  should  be  tuck  on  or  about  or 
before  Saturday  the  third  of  May,  you  musn't  say  I  told 
you  so. 

Hopin  to  date  my  nex  with  a  pen  dipped  in  Ginral  Jonson's 
inkstand,  I  remain,  progressin  favorably. 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  141 

No.    XLIX. 

[The  usually-buoyant  spirits  of  the  veteran  seem  to  have  been 
somewhat  affected  by  the  mud  and  miasma  of  Yor.ktown  Penin- 
sula. He  chafes,  too,  at  the  delays  which  careful  and  circum- 
spect strategists  consider  necessary  to  secure  success.  However, 
the  great  battle  cannot  be  long  postponed — always  supposing 
that  the  enemy,  while  we  are  making  preparations  to  defeat  and 
"  bag"  them,  do  not  suddenly  decamp  without  beat  of  drum,  as 
they  did  from  Manassas. — EDS.] 

IN  THE  ADVANCE,  BEFORE  YORKTOWN,  April  30,  1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

The  clerk  of  the  wether  arter  keepin  the  winders  of  Hevin 
wide  open  for  three  days  and  playin  continually  throo  all  the 
orifizzes  with  two  and  a  hafe  inch  pipe,  suddently  shet  off  the 
head  of  water,  took  in  the  seelestyal  hose,  and  closed  the  sashes 
on  Monday  last,  senst  witch  this  everlastin  bog  hes  ben  simmer- 
in  down,  dry  in  up,  and  generatin  steam  to  keep  the  billy  us  fever 
bizness  goin  brisk  and  lively.  The  seesin  is  oncommon  faverable 
for  fever  and  ager  and  the  crop  is  likely  to  be  large.  More'n 
two  thirds  of  the  wurkin  parties  engaged  in  erectin  sJiwer  de 
freezes  and  cetery  hes  the  chills  more  or  less,  and  buckets  filled 
with  a  solushin  of  surfit  of  canine  hes  to  be  sent  round  to  all 
the  piancer  hands  three  times  a  day  to  enabul  'em  to  face  the 
mewsick.  Ef  it  warn't  for  that  the  jig  would  sun  be  up.  As  it 
is  the  shakedowns  in  the  tempory  lazyretters  is  all  full.  Roomat- 
tics  prevails  considerabul  in  the  low  kwogmires,  and  I  kin  ashoor 
you  my  asina  in  the  chest  hesent  ben  much  improoved  by  wot 
the  doctors  call  miasma  in  the  air.  In  fack  the  atmostfearic 
eggshellashins  is  wus,  by  chorks,  than  the  shells  of  the  enemee. 
Ef  we  dont  take  the  rebels  down  afore  the  reglar  hot  wether  sets 
in,  thar'll  be  sum  hevvy  mowin  dun  in  our  ranks  by  the  old  rip- 
per Deth. 

In  the  meantime,  as  you  air  aware  from  the  ushil  ofishall  sorces, 
evrything  is  goin  on  to  the  entire  satisfackshin  of  evrybody. 
The  diffrent  camps  hes  ben  conneckted  by  blazing  roads  through 
the  woods,  and  the  sojers  can  now  see  what  they're  goin,  insted 
of  hevin  to  ax  thar  way  continually  in  passin  from  wun  post  to 
anuther.  The  blazin  was  rayther  a  tuff  job  as  it  heel  to  be  dun 
onder  the  enemees  fire.  Sevral  thousand  men  is  at  present  em- 
plide  in  bildin  corderoy  turnpikes.  These  corderoys  is  for  the 


143  WAK    LETTERS     OF 

breeching  pieces  ;  but  the  inoreass  bein  eenamost  bottomless  in 
sum  places,  thar  construckshin  is  a  wurk  of  amens  labor.  Sum- 
times  the  tallest  monarks  of  the  forrest,  when  laid  down  as 
sleepers,  disappears  like  a  dream,  and  uthers  hes  to  be  embedded 
over  em.  Howsever  the  grate  highway  leadin  throo  the  swamp 
to  Warwick  is  nearly  finisht  and  will  be  thrown  open  to  the  mil- 
entary  publick  in  a  few  days.  It  is  a  bully  road,  about  hafe  the 
width  of  the  bullywards  at  Payris,  but  skarsly  as  plesent  to  ride 
over.  The  ruts  bein  all  the  rong  way,  gun  carridges  passin  over 
it  purgresses  by  jerks,  like  the  innoomerable  hop-toads  on  the 
bog  on  each  side,  and  about  at  the  same  lively  pace.  The  fast 
crabs  of  the  Third  Avenoo  couldn't  make  three  minnit  time  over 
it — not  eggsackly. 

"We've  got  to  lick  the  fo,  thats  sartain,  for  this  tung  of  land  is 
too  allmity  saft  and  slippery  to  back  down  on ;  so,  as  the  king 
ses  in  the  play,  we  must  push  forrard,  "  seekin  for  Richmound 
in  the  throat  of  Deth."  I  spose  the  bunibardment  will  open  in 
airnest  next  week,  ef  the  wether  is  faverabul  for  firewurks,  and 
Ginrals  Banks  and  MacDowell  hes  by  that  time  skewerd  good 
places  for  recevin  the  rebels  with  outstretcht  arms,  as  they  rush 
from  the  eggsibishin.  Wun  thing  you  may  relie  upon — nuthin 
will  be  dun  ontill  the  time  cums  to  do  it,  and  then  should  suck- 
emstances  prove  onpropishus,  it  will  oney  be  postponied  ontill 
sumthin  faverabul  turns  up.  This  informashin  I  hev  confiden- 
shally  from  a  very  high  sorce,  and  I  trust  the  Censer — altho  I 
am  in  bad  odor  in  that  kwarter — will  suffer  it  to  pass. 

The  tidins  from  the  Lower  Mussysippi,  witch  hev  ben  current 
here  senst  Monday,  hes  defused  a  flud  of  joy  throo  all  our  harts. 
Lovill,  it  seems,  cut  dirt  without  showin  enny  inclinashin  for  a 
brush.  I  remember  he  did  jest  the  same  when  he  was  Deppity 
Inspector  in  the  New  York  Street  Department.  Gustarvus 
Smith,  anuther  gradeate  of  the  same  nobul  institooshin,  will 
probly  flee  in  a  simildar  manner  from  the  besum  of  destruck- 
shin.  The  ackount  given  by  the  rebel  leaders  of  the  captcr  of 
New  Orleans  is  rayther  a  frothy  story,  but  its  plain  enuff  that 
arter  the  vessels  of  Porter  reached  the  city,  nuthin  more  was 
seen  of  thar  ugly  mugs. 

I  went  on  a  skout  throo  the  air  yest'day  with  the  speshil  airtist 
of  a  picter  sheet  named  arter  a  sellybrated  ferry  in  this  State. 
The  way  of  it  was  this.  The  airtist  hearin  as  the  Guverment 
Genser  hed  cum  full  swing  from  Old  Pint  to  arrest  him  for  givin 
aid  and  cumfurt  to  the  euemee,  by  copyin  an  old  plan  of  Corn- 
wallis's  and  Washington's  camps  as  they  appered  in  1781.  cletar- 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  143 

rained  to  go  up  inter  God  Almighty's  free  and  blessid  air,  whar 
they  dont  hev  no  Censorships  and  Seckatries  of  War  hes  no  juris- 
dickshin,  and  to  stay  thar  till  the  ofishall  Poll  Pry  hed  vamosed. 
I  ackumpauid  him,  and  a  jolly  time  we  hed  ;  smokin  meershams 
and  sipping  hideseek  in  the  rejiu  of  clouds,  and  now  and  then 
directin  our  attenshin  to  the  shampain  keutry  below,  most  of 
witch  is  adapted  to  the  cultivashin  of  terhacker.  "We  both 
agreed  that  no  man  of  voracity  in  his  senses  would  fix  the  census 
of  the  rebel  army  at  more'n  70,000.  We  could  see  all  the  ridg- 
mental  camps,  and  Ime  sartain  as  all  the  corpses  put  together 
dident  number  70,000  souls.  The  seecesh  as  was  off  duty  pre- 
sented a  curus  specktickle.  They  seemed  to  be  sittin  without 
thar  shirts  perusin  the  papers.  On  vewin  em  throo  a  tellascope, 
howsever,  we  notist  they  were  employin  thar  valabul  time  in  the 
pershoot  of  vermin.  Wot  we  at  fust  tuck  for  noosepapers,  turnt 
out  on  closter  inspeckshin  to  be  thar  onderlinen,  and  judgin  by 
the  way  they  acted,  cattle  must  hev  ben  plenty  aud  actyve  in  the 
dummestick  market.  My  cumpanyun  arter  sketchin  a  bird's 
eye  view  of  the  remains  of  the  old  fortyficashins  at  Yorktown — 
witch  he  gin  to  me,  and  witch  I  intend  to  publish  arter  the  war, 
ef  not  konsidered  determental  to  past  events — proposed  to  me  to 
descend  aloan  and  inkwire  ef  the  Censer  hed  evaporated.  I  dun 
so.  How  did  I  desend  aloan?  you  natrally  ax.  Wai,  I  shot 
down  down  in  a  parryshoot.  Perhaps  you  never  seen  a  parry- 
shoot.  Its  wot  airynaughts  takes  up  with  em  as  a  safegard  agen 
dannger  in  case  of  a  kullaps.  A  balloon  is  but  an  "  airy  nuthin" 
as  the  poick  eggspresses  it,  and  so  its  as  well  to  pervide  for  a 
rainy  day  with  a  parryshoot ;  witch  is  percisely  like  a  big  um- 
bereller.  Siezin  this  masheen  by  the  handel  I  jumpt  from  the 
car  and  floted  gently,  with  a  wobblin  moshin,  to  the  airth,  with 
no  inconveenyance  except  a  slite  sea-sicknes,  cawsed  by  the  see- 
saw moshin  of  the  consarn.  On  arrivin  below  I  inkwired  for 
the  Censer  and  found  he  hed  gon  back  to  whar  he  belonged, 
wharupon  I  gin  my  frend  abuv  the  spred  eagle  signal — an  Odd 
Fellow's  sine  in  witch  the  fingers  and  the  nose  takes  a  con- 
speakus  part — and  he  hnmediently  tuck  the  hint  and  cum  down 
hansumly. 

Hopin  we  may  sun  flounder  outer  this  bog,  kivered  with  lorils 
(witch  is  as  common  as  sassafrax  all  over  the  swamp,  ef  enny 
boddy  wanted  to  gether  em)  I  remane,  deep  in  the  mud,  but 
with  curridge  skrewed  to  the  stickin  place. 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


144  WAR    LETTERS    OF 

No.  L. 

[Once  more  the  old  soldier  is  out  on  the  war-path,  and,  of 
course,  in  his  element.  Our  readers  will  rejoice  to  learn  that 
although  his  horse  was  blown  to  pieces  by  a  torpedo  at  York- 
town,  he  was  fortunate  enough  to  escape  unhurt. 

FORMER  HEAD-KWAHTERS  OF  GINRAL  Jo  JONSON,  ) 
WILLIAMSBUG,  May  7,  1862.  > 

Eddyturs  of  t7ie  Sunday  Merkary  :  ^ 

I  rite  this  letter  from  a  commojus  manshin  in  Williamsbug, 
witch  was  suddently  vakated  on  Toosday  night  by  Ginral  Jo 
Jonson  and  a  few  of  his  seleck  frends,  to  make  rum  for  Ginral 
Maclellin  and  his  milentary  famaly.  The  resent  tenants  was 
cumpelled  by  pressin  engagements  to  start  for  the  inteeryur 
and  genrusly  left  evrything  at  our  disposhal.  I  am  now  settin 
onto  wun  of  Magruder's  trunks,  and  dippin  my  pen  (as  I  sed  in 
a  resent  letter  mought  sun  be  the  case)  in  Ginral  Jo  Jonson's 
inkstand.  Immediently  opposit  to  me  sets  Ginral  Maclellin  on 
a  camp  stool,  inditin  a  dispatch  to  his  wife,  on  the  back  of  a 
haversack,  and  I  no  by  the  twinkel  of  his  eye  that  he's  puttin 
things  in  a  light  that'll  make  her  feel  as  happy  as  a  toad  in  a 
shower.  He's  too  much  of  a  worrier  to  wurry  her,  even  if  mat- 
ters lucked  skwally ;  but  seein  we  hev  given  the  pussnannymus 
cusses  rats,  in  coarse,  he  feels  like  a  bird,  and  rites  boyantly. 
Our  departed  frends  doosent  peer  to  hev  ben  very  tid}r  in  thar 
habits.  Empty  whisky  jugs,  bucks  on  milentary  tacktricks, 
charts  of  the  peninslur  drord  on  the  whitewashed  walls  with 
terbacker  juce,  eppylets,  boots  as  seems  to  hev  hed  thar  soles  run 
off  with  hard  travel,  and  setch  artickles  of  clothin  as  perfeshinal 
runners  diskards  in  a  match  agin  time,  is  prominent  amung  the 
embellishments  of  the  apartment  whar  I  am  now  turnin  my  idees 
inter  black  and  white.  The  floor  presents  a  disgustin  speck- 
tickle,  bein  kivered  with  Confedrit  kwids,  no  doubt  spit  out  in  a 
simultanus  shower  at  the  moment  of  departer,  to  avide  swallerin 
'em  in  the  wild  rush  to  a  more  conjenial  locashin. 

But  enufF  of  the  sourcaustic.  Seens  of  blucl  and  cetery  setch 
as  I  hev  to  deskribe  is  too  serous  to  be  treted  in  my  ushil  vein. 
Kegairdin  the  mane  facks  of  the  high  old  rebel  hunt  witch  com- 
menst  last  Sunday  at  York  Town  and  hes  ben  in  full  blast  ever 
senst,  with  allmity  breef  iutermishins  for  recreashin,  the  tella- 
graft  hes  allreddy  posted  you  in  advance  of  the  mails.  I  shall 
tharfor,  like  the  sellybrated  contraband  in  the  play,  confine  my- 


A.    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  145 

self  to  the  "  har  bredth  scrapes  and  moovin  axdents"  in  witch  I 
tuck  a  hand,  pursenally,  and  witch  the  ornary  curryspondents  of 
the  press  was  too  far  in  the  rare  to  make  a  manyrandum  of. 

The  vamose  of  the  rebels  from  York  Town  on  Saterday  night 
and  Sunday  mornin  dident  take  me  by  supvise.  When  the  sege 
guns  opend  onto  'em  to  get  the  range,  on  Thursday,  I  sed  openly 
"  they  kant  stand  these  doses,  they  must  evackyate."  Saterday 
night,  sun  arter  turnin  in,  I  lied  a  curus  dreem.  It  seemed  to  me 
as  ef  a  most  amaziu  critter  rose  up  suddently  out  of  the  airth  in 
my  tent,  like  wun  of  the  stage  sulfursides  in  Don  G  O  Vanny. 
He  hed  the  aperience  of  a  flyin  sarpint,  his  wings  bein  in  the 
form  of  a  norinous  eppylets,  and  his  boddy  consistin  of  flexibul 
two  hunderd  pounders  taperiu  down  to  four  and  a  half  inch  how- 
itzers aj;  the  tail  eend.  Ses  he,  rollin  the  red  hot  shot  witch 
sarved  him  for  eye-balls,  in  thar  sockits,  as  he  spoke — "  True  the 
Milentary  Annie  Condy  or  Army  Devil,  /  am  ;  wot  Mephistuff- 
erlies  was  to  Doctor  Fostus,  I  intend  to  be  to  Unkel  Sam,  oney  I 
dont  want  to  by  souls  on  enny  terms,  heviu  more  on  hand  now 
than  I  ken  find  fewil  for.  Would  you  like  my  fire-eatin  frend," 
he  continned,  snappin  his  incinderary  eyes  ontil  the  sparks  flue, 
"  to  no  wots  up  in  the  seecesh  camp  at  this  junkter." 

"  Ef  youre  the  ainshint  snake  as  got  up  the  apple  riot  in  Pairo- 
dice  in  the  year  wun,"  ses  I,  "  line  no  frend  of  yourn,  for  if  it 
Ledent  a  ben  for  your  darned  strutegy,  this  mutch-to-be-lay- 
inented  frayternal  shindy  mought  never  hev  cum  off.  How- 
sever,"  ses  I,  "  I  would  like  to  larn  how  the  blamed  seecesh  over 
to  York  Town  enjies  thar  invitin  prospecks,  ef  the  things  possa- 
bul,  my  old  Bore  Constructor." 

"  Siss-s-s !"  ses  the  tremenjus  reptyle,  rattlin  his  metallick  kar- 
kiss  and  makin  annoys  with  Ms  firy  tung,  like  a  duzzen  hafe 
inch  fuses  goin  on  a  blazin  bender  throo  the  air :  "  Siss-iss-s-s-s ! 
youre  a  nice  feller  to  be  down  on  me  for  sirkimventin  a  cuppel 
of  covetus,  couseted  upstarts,  when  your  ginral  wants  to  cum  tho 
same  game  with  the  hull  Suthern  Cornledracy.  But  we  wont 
quarl  old  Ruff  and  Reddy,  ketch  a  holt  of  my  tail." 

I  dun  so,  and  with  a  few  vigrus  flaps  of  his  eppylet-wings  we 
wus  in  the  oppersishin  camp,  when  he  muttered  a  few  words  too 
profane  to  be  repeted  in  a  Sunday  paper,  and  we  botli  becum 
unvisabul.  A  moment  arterwards  we  was  in  the  midst  of  a 
markee,  in  witch  the  head  ginrals  was  holdin  a  consultashin  on 
the  rebel  case.  Magruder  was  makin  a  speech,  and  as  near  as  I 
ken  remember  the  vishin,  it  was  as  follers  : 

"  I  go  in  for  fightin  as  Old  (hie) — I  say,  I  go  in  for  puttin  em 
7 


146  WAB    LETTERS     OF 

throo  as  Old  (hie,  hie)  Hickory  did  at  New  Orleens."  (Ginral 
Lee  iaterruptin — " New  Orleens  be  cust ! — its  gon  to  thunder!") 
"  Gent'inen,  don't  run ;  take  a  sober  (hie)  seckind  thort,  and 
stand  firm,"  (Here  he  pitcht  forrard  and  run  his  seegar  inter 
Ginral  Jonson's  eye.)  "  Rains  ses  ef  we  stay  here  we  shall  be 
tuck  by  storm.  Let  her  (hie) — I  say,  let  her  rip !  Can  we  eskape 
the  fate  of  Corn  (hie) — of  Cornwallis  by  flyin  to  Chickenhominy  ? 
No,  gent'men,  no.  Ef  we  air  to  die  in  the  last  ditch,  let  em  (hie) 
hack  us  to  peaces  here."  ("  Hear,  hear !"  from  the  sojers  list- 
enen  outside.)  "  This  is  class  (hie) — I  would  say  classic  ground. 
Ef  we  must  fall,  let  us  die  all,  die  nobly  die  like  derni  (hie) — like 
deini — " 

Here  the  speeker  keeled  over  and  sobsided,  Lee  whisperin  to 
Jonson — "  die  like  demijohns,  I  spose  the  drunken  humbug 
means." 

At  this  intresting  pint  of  the  vishin  I  was  suddently  awoke  by 
the  drum  beatin  the  long  role,  and  an  orderly  rusht  inter  my  tent 
with  his  eyes  as  big  as  sawsirs  and  informt  me  that  the  seecesh 
hed  abandoned  thar  wurks  and  it  was  a  seckind  eclishin  of  Man- 
asses.  In  less'n  twenty  minits  I  was  ridin  throo  thar  desarted 
camp.  In  coarse  you  hev  larnt  by  the  airly  despatches,  that  it 
Avas  as  full  of  torpedoes  and  infarnal  masheens  as  a  rebel  blankit 
is  of  like  stock,  and  as  I  rode  along  I  heerd  em  crackin  on  evry 
side.  Wun  of  em  cum  all  thunderin  near  cuttin  short  my  curry- 
spondence  with  the  Merkary  I  ken  tell  you.  Rite  in  frunt  of 
Uie  Rebel  Head-kwarters  a  shell  eggsploded  onder  my  Bnsuffer- 
icgg,  and  the  next  instant  I  found  myself  si' tin  astride  of  a  dis- 
mounted piece,  with  the  saddle  still  onder  me  and  my  feet  in  the 
-sirups,  mutch  suprised  but  parfeckly  saift.  Thar  was  nuthin 
left  but  me  and  the  saddle.  It  was  a  merackalus  eskape,  and 
Kbows  that  Providence  never  sleeps ;  for  this  was  about  four 
o'clock  in  the  mornin. 

The  hull  of  Monday  I  was  with  the  right  wing,  with  Han- 
o  :-\'s  brigade,  in  pershoot  of  the  flyin  fo.  In  the  final  shindy 
on  Monday  arternoon.  when  we  turned  thar  left  flank,  I  cum 
within  a  liars  breclth  of  ketchin  Maecruder.  Ef  Id  oney  hed  a 
Onliforny  laureat  to  hev  sent  sin  gin  throo  the  air  arier  him,  I 
mought  hev  noosed  him  shoor.  But  alass  I  lost  him  for  want  oi 
n.  lasso.  His  hoss  was  a  leettle  swifter'n  mine,  and  bein  drunk 
he  swung  about  so  in  the  saddle  that  I  couldn't  hit  him  with  my 
revolver.  Howsever,  I  hev  his  wallet  witch  he  threw  away  as 
he  fled,  hopin  to  tempt  me  to  stop  and  skewer  it.  I  pickt  it  up 
as  I  relurnt,  but  found  it  warnt  wuth  the  trubble,  containin 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB.  147 

nuthin  but  a  few  dunnin  letters,  an  obseen  drinkin  song,  and  a 
passel  of  Cornfedrit  shin  plasters. 

Last  night  the  rebels  wunst  more  tuck  up  thar  line  of  march, 
at  a  kwarter-hoss  stride,  and  our  troops  are  now  arter  em  with  a 
sharp  stick. 

I  rayther  surmise  the  old  Annie  Condy  is  throwin  her  larvee 
around ! 

Luck  out  for  still  more  gloryus  noose  nex  week.  Nofolk  is  a 
gon  case  within  a  few  days.  The  seecesh  game's  eenamost 
played  out.  The  beginnin  of  the  eend  is  closte  at  hand.  In  the 
arms  of  Victry  (while  the  fo  is  on  the  last  legs  of  Defeat),  I 
remain,  Tours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEB. 


No.  LI. 

[It  will  be  seen  that  at  the  date  of  his  letter  (Wednesday  last) 
our  veteran  friend  was  full  of  glorious  anticipations.  He  seems 
to  have  enjoyed  the  beautiful  scenery  in  the  neighborhood  of 
Cumberland,  though  the  disloyal  mocking-birds  provoked  his 
righteous  indignation.  —  EDS.] 


CUMBEBLAND,  ViRaiNNT,  May  14,  1862,  > 
HEAD-KWARTEBS  OF  GINBAL  MACLEI/LIN.     » 

Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

We  air  cornerin  the  Cornfeds  amazin  rapid.  Desarters  report 
as  Howl  Cobb  is  in  favor  of  vamosin  Richmound  without  waitin 
to  be  shelled  by  Maclellin.  Magruder,  who  was  so  feerce  for  a 
stand  when  he  was  staggerin  drunk,  is  now  lyin  on  his  back  at 
Rumford  with  the  shakes,  they  say,  and  fancies  he  sees  lejins  of 
lUanoy  apes  swimmin  acrost  the  Pawmonkey  River,  with  red-hot 
pokers  in  thar  hands  to  stir  up  his  innards.  A  contraband  as 
cum  in  last  night  ses  Mrs.  Davis  lies  mutinid  agen  the  Seecosh 
Prcsdent,  slapt  his  face,  and  told  the  poor  henpect  critter  that 
Seeceshin's  a  bad  egg,  and  that  she's  hartily  sick  of  setch  a  dis- 
gustin  yokefeller.  The  citysins  of  Richmound  ginally  is  repre- 
sented to  be  in  a  revoltin  state,  and  the  saft  soap  of  the  rebel 
funkshinaries  doosent  appeer  to  hev  enny  effeck  upon  em. 
Mcnny  thinks  it  will  be  onpossabul  to  bring  the  Suthern  troops 
to  the  scratch,  in  consekens  of  the  late  disaster  in  Louseanna. 


148  WAS    LETTERS     OF 

Cumberland,  our  present  head-kwarters,  is  oney  about  twelve 
milds  from  Bottom's  Bridge,  whar  Lee  allows  he's  goin  to  whip 
us.  He's  got  to  fight  or  foot  it  right  away,  that's  sartain,  for  we 
shell  be  in  moshin  at  dawn  on  Thursday  mornin,  for  the  porpns 
of  lettin  daylight  inter  him  and  his  Fly-by-nights.  A  currier 
lies  jest  arrived  from  the  James,  who  states  that  the  Monitor 
was  around  Gurl's  Neck,  and  that  the  Gayleaner,  witch  got  in  a 
tight  place  by  huggin  the  shore  too  closte,  hed  ben  got  off  with 
a  tug,  and  was  hard  arter  her,  with  the  Nogoduck  cummin  up 
hand-over-hand  a  short  distans  below.  By  refrence  to  the  maps, 
you  will  see  that  the  James  is  as  full  of  elbows  as  the  Mincio — 
the  wun  around  Gurl's  Neck  bein  the  most  dangerus  bend  of  the 
hull,  with  the  eggsepshin  of  wun  near  the  mouth.  Jeff  hes 
appinted  Friday,  the  sixteent  instant,  as  a  day  of  humiliashin, 
and  I  predicate  our  gunboats  and  land  forces  '11  carry  out  his 
proclamashin  purty  effeckshally. 

The  clerk  of  the  wether,  who  seemed  detarmind  to  drownd  us 
out  at  Yorktown,  hes  stopt  cutting  shines,  and  now  we  hev  ray- 
ther  more  sun  then  we  want.  But  as  Gloster  ses  to  Norfolk  in 
the  play,  "  "VVots  that  to  us  more'n  to  Bichmound  ?"  We  ken 
stand  100  degrees  of  Foreign  heat  better'n  one  in  a  hunderd  of 
the  natives.  And  why  ken  we  do  so  ?  Why,  bekase  we  aint 
everlastinly  fired  up  with  red-eye.  Tork  of  licker  as  '11  kill  at 
forty  rods !  Blame  my  picter  ef  the  stuff  we  found  in  sum  of 
the  whisky  barls  at  Yorktown  wouldent  kill  as  far  as  a  Dollgrin 
gun. 

You  never  seen  a  finer  kentry  than  this  we  air  travellin  throo 
now.  Thai's  planters'  housen  atween  Williamsbug  and  Cum- 
berland, that  the  most  plus  Christian  would  hardly  wish  to  trade 
for  manshins  in  the  skies.  The  corn's  so  flurishin  that  it  givs 
me  pain  to  tred  onto  it,  and  it  stirs  the  pulse  of  a  feller's  stum- 
mick  to  luck  at  the  green  peas.  As  I  set  in  the  piazzer  of  Ginral 
Maclellin's  head-kwarters,  scratchin  off  this  letter,  the  notes  of 
the  robbings  steals  plesently  on  my  ear,  and  the  rnewsical  cat- 
birds tutches  my  felines  with  thar  cherful  and  familyar  vices. 
The  oney  things  that  anoise  me  is  the  mockin-birds,  witch,  in 
consekena  of  hevin  lissent  so  long  to  the  seecesh  bands,  sings 
nuthin  but  "Dixie."  I  giv  em  Hail  Columby,  evry  now  and 
then,  with  a  handful  of  stuns,  but,  like  the  jail-birds  as  tootered 
em,  they  oney  fly  a  little  ways  ahead  and  strike  up  the  same 
infarnal  toon  agin. 

We  hev,  aa  you're  awar,  kwite  a  number  of  furrin  offsirs 
attached  to  this  divishin,  and  they  wun  and  all  declar  that  a  finer 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  149 

core  Wartime  never  tuck  the  feeld.  The  Due  de  John  Veal 
told  wun  of  our  John  Bull  captins*  when  he  cum  to  see  us  at 
Barboursvil  last  Saterclay,  that  "  Yillainton  (that's  the  way  the 
French  pernounce  Wellington)  nevare  had  so  mosh  fine  troops 
in  hees  life."  "  jSTo,"  ses  the  Englishman,  "  that's  a  fack  ;  and  I 
dont  see  how  he  ever  wun  the  Battle  of  Waterloo."  He  hed  the 
Frenchman  thar,  I  speckylate.  The  Due  de  Chatters  and  the 
County  Payris  is  both  here.  They  air  jolly,  convivyal  young 
fellers,  and  not  averse  to  puttin  down  Old  Bourbon  when  they 
git  a  chanst. 

Thar  was  grate  rejisin  amung  our  men  when  the  noose  arrove 
that  Cummodore  Davis  hed  sent  three  of  Hollinses  Rams  to 
Davys  locker.  He's  a  rambunkshus  feller  is  Hollins,  but  senst 
Porter  and  Davis  sheared  inter  his  rams  at  New  Orleens  and 
Fort  Pillow,  I  pfersoom  he  feels  like  a  shepherd  without  a  flock. 
Horns  hes  ben  his  rooin.  The  best  thing  he  ken  do  is  to  rite  an 
affeckshinit  farwell  letter  to  his  frends  (ef  he  hes  enny),  and  then 
drap  hisself  inter  the  drink.  I  reckin  he'd  sink  jest  as  eesy  as 
rollin  off  a  log,  for  they've  ben  throwin  liunderds  of  hogsheds 
of  whiskey  inter  the  Mussysippi  lately,  and  he'd  go  to  the  bottom 
arter  it  in  obejence  to  his  nateral  instinks. 

Our  advance  gard  is  now  feelin  the  enemee,  and  the  report  is 
that  he  doosent  feel  good,  and  that  he  is  tryin  to  slip  throo  our 
fingers.  Ef  that's  his  game,  he'll  hev  to  be  as  lively  as  a  lam- 
prey eel,  for  we  are  closte  onto  his  slimy  trail,  and  Maclellin's 
grip  is  a  thunderin  titan.  Sum  prisners  sent  in  by  the  skfirn- 
midgers  this  niornin,  ses  Lee  is  ankshus  to  meet  us,  and  egg- 
spects  to  cum  oft'  with  flyin  cullers ;  but  Ime  afeard  he'll  go  off 
with  flyin  cullers  afore  we  git  a  chanst  to  pitch  inter  him  in  the 
defiles.  The  oney  cullers  warranted  to  stand  in  these  parts  is 
black  and  yaller.  Cuffee,  Dinah  and  Co.  waits  for  us  evrywhars 
with  open  arms,  and  would  gladly  embrace  us,  but  we  eggscuse 
ourselves,  on  ackount  of  the  warm  wether.  We  air  in  good 
odor  with  all  the  darkeys,  but  for  all  thar  perfeshins  of  frend- 
ship,  they  air  allus  tryin  to  get  to  windward  of  us,  ef  they  think 
they  kin  make  a  cent  by  it. 

Hopin  in  my  next  to  be  able  to  say  like  the  messenger  In  the 
draynia,  "  Richmound  is  on  the  seeze,"  I  remane,  joyfully, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLTJNTEEB. 

-   ~   .:•:.•;  •  .-        '     .::•_    i 


150  WAKLETTEBSOF 

No.  LH. 

[Although  the  veteran's  expectations  of  getting  to  Richmond 
were  not  fulfilled,  he  endeavors  to  sustain  his  reputation  as  a 
prophet  by  attributing  the  delay  to  the  Fort  Darling  affair. — EDS.] 

NEAR  NEW  BRIDGE,  YIBGHNNY,  May  21,  1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  MtrJcary : 

Ginral  Maclellin  is  a  dissipul  of  Davy  Crockett ;  he  never 
bucks  ahead  till  he  sees  his  way  clar ;  but  when  he  doos  inoove, 
sumthins  got  to  suckum.  I  hope  this  time  it  will  be  Richruound, 
and  ef  it  hedent  a  ben  for  that  thunderin  blunderin  bizness  at 
Fort  Darling,  we  should  probly  hev  carrid  it  afore  now,  by  wot 
the  Californy  blacklegs  call  a  coo  de  grab.  At  the  date  of  my 
last  letter,  thar  was  evry  aperience  that  we  should  hev  it  afore 
the  sixteent,  the  day  sot  apairt  by  Jeff  Davis  for  a  ginral  humilia- 
-  shin  of  the  rebels ;  but  Providence,  witch  apeers  to  play  an  open 
and  shet  game  with  em,  jest  to  aggravate  their  misfortens,  thort 
it  best  they  should  hev  tAvo  days  of  humiliashin  insted  of  wun. 

Our  advance  is  now  near  New  Bridge,  about  nine  milds  from 
Richmound,  and  our  cavalry  pickets  is  closte  enuff  to  hear  thar 
hosses  nay.  We  onderstand  that  remittent  fever  is  playin  old 
hob  with  em.  Desarters  report  that  from  five  to  sicks  hunderd 
is  taken  down  daily,  and  more'n  hafe  the  army  hes  the  shakes, 
more  or  less.  Thars  considabul  third  day  ager  amung  our 
fellers  too,  and  buckets  of  surfit  of  canine  and  whisky  is  past 
throo  the  ranks  twiste  evry  twenty-four  hours,  but  the  moment 
the  cold  stage  is  over  the  invalids  is  as  hot  as  ever  for  a  fight. 

This  mornin  I  went  on  an  errornotic  trip  with  Mr.  Low  and 
Kernil  Stunman  from  this  pint.  We  reeched  an  elevashin  of  five 
hunderd  feet,  and  hed  a  fine  vewof  all  the  feeters  of  the  landskip. 
Men,  wiminen  and  children  was  running  about  the  streets  of 
Richmound,  aperiently  in  a  panic,  and  but  few  troops  was  visa- 
bel  eggsept  over  the  left  near  James  River. 

Ef  wun  could  vote  hisself  a  farm  somewhars  around  in  these 
pairts,  it  wouldent  be  bad  to  take.  Ef  thars  to  be  enny  confis- 
ticashin  for  the  bennyfit  of  lyall  heroes,  I  should  rayther  like  to 
hev  Kernil  Lee's  White  House  farm,  whar  we  hed  our  head- 
kwarters  a  few  days  senst.  Its  jest  about  the  purtiest  spot  this 
side  of  pairodice.  Two  things  reckymend  it — Ginral  Washing- 
ton spent  the  fust  years  of  his  marrid  life  thar — and  the  land, 
eenamost  without  any  pains,  will  perdooce  thirty  barls  corn  to 
the  acher.  Paytryotic  recolleckshins  and  present  profit  both 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  151 

reckymends  it,  and  it  peers  to  me  to  be  jest  the  place  for  a  Dis- 
banded Volunteer  to  repose  upon  bis  lorrils.  I  must  tork  over 
the  matter  with  my  friend  Abe.  In  the  anshent  fuddle  times  the 
estates  of  traitors  used  to  be  bestode  upon  tyall  men,  and  I  guess, 
as  O  Theller  ses,  Ive  done  the  state  some  sarvice.  Thars  about 
three  hunclerd  niggers  belongin  to  the  farm  I  onderstand,  and  I 
wouldent  mind  carryiu  out  the  ideer  of  gradjal  mansipashin 
in  relashin  to  em,  by  garanteeing  the  freedom  of  thar  grate 
graudchildern  as  fast  as  they  arrive  at  the  age  of  eighty  years.  I 
reely  dont  know  ennything  on  airth  more  desirabul  than  a  fine 
plantashin  on  the  Pawmonkey  River,  with  two  or  three  hunderd 
likely  "pussons  held  to  labor  "  thrown  in.  I  think  I  could  do 
better  by  em  than  sum  of  the  longfaced  saints  in  white  chokers 
as  went  to  the  Sea  Islands  about  two  munths  ago  to  oversee  the 
plantin  of  cotton  seed,  but  oney  suckseeded  in  spilin  the  seed  of 
Ham.  Pius  yarns  isent  condoosive  to  the  perduckshin  of  cotton 
yarn  it  seems. 

The  Seecesh  on  the  peninslur,  findin  it  doosent  pay  to  plant 
torpedoes,  witch  thar  own  capterd  offsirs  and  men  hes  to  dig  up 
at  the  resk  of  thar  valabul  lives,  hes  taken  to  firm  on  flags  of 
trooce,  as  a  saifter  way  of  committin  murder.  Thar's  j*3fc  wun 
way  to  stop  these  games,  and  that's  hangin ;  and  Jf  i^-ien't 
resorted  to,  and  that  right  away,  our  men  will  be  apt  whfejuar 
accounts  with  the  cowardly  ruffins  thar  OAvn  way. 

I  was  with  Ginral  Stunman  in  the  brush  at  Bottom's  Bridga, 
and  a  very  purty  foot  race  it  was.  Ive  seen  cousidabul  running 
in  my  day,  but  I  never  saw  fellers  mounted  on  setch  misabu! 
bosses  make  setch  good  time  as  they  did  acrost  the  Chicken- 
hominy  yestday ;  yet  I  warn't  supprised  at  it  when  I  seen  the 
prisners  we  tuck.  Setch  onmassaful  spurs  as  they  bed  onto  em  I 
never  seen  outer  Mexico.  Thar  arms  was  all  sorts  and  sizes,  but 
thar  warn't  a  pair  of  spurs  amung  em  as  wouldent  hev  gon  thrco 
the  hide  of  an  elefant.  Wot  they  cheefly  depend  upon  in  batlel, 
is  thar  spurs.  The  hull  line  advances  to-day,  so  luck  out  for 
great  news  about  Saterday.  Hopin  for  a  fight,  but  fearin  it'll 
Le  a  fizzle,  I  remain, 

1  oui-s  allus,  A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEB. 


No.  Lin. 

[The  old  boy  was  undoubtedly  in  one  of  his  queerest  humora 
when  he  indited  the  following  letter.    We  particularly  commend 


152  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

his  remarks  on  the  Banks  affair  to  the  attention  of  our  readers. 
It  is  the  neatest  bit  of  cynicism  we  have  seen  in  many  a  day. 
The  compliment  to  the  Secretary  of  War  does  no  more  than 
justice  to  that  distinguished  functionary. — EDS.] 

BEFORE  RICHMOUND,  May  28,  18G2. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  . 

Bowerygard  hevin  slipt  up  on  the  idee  of  watcrin  his  Busuffer- 
less  in  the  Tennessee,  lies  cum  to  skwench  his  thirst  for  glory 
on  the  banks  of  the  Chickenhominy.  Desarters  say  he  reeched 
Richmound  on  Sunday  from  the  Sow  West  with  his  brissels  up 
like  a  Texas  porkerpine,  and  swore  he'd  ether  light  his  Havan- 
ner  in  our  camp  on  Saterday  night,  or  smoke  a  brimstuu  regaly 
with  Belzebub  in  the  Halls  oi'  Ilaidees.  I  ouderstand  that  prevus 
to  the  war  the  Red  Sulfur  Springs  in  this  State  was  his  favorit 
waterin-place,  and  I  persoom  in  a  future  state  he  11  be  ackom- 
idated  at  a  Spaw  whar  the  bevridgc  is  of  the  same  flavcr,  but 
hotter  and  stronger,  and  whar  thars  heeps  of  black  waiters  in 
constant  attendance  to  giv  visiters  a  horn.  The  probility  is,  the 
old  blastfeemer  meens  light — for  the  mane  boddy  of  the  Corn- 
feds  now  shows  a  horsteal  frunt  south  of  the  city,  and  we  larn 
they  air  in  high  sperrits  over  the  retreat  of  Banks  into  Merryland. 
Onder  these  suckernstances,  I  luck  for  a  collushin  afore  the 
week's  out,  and  we  air  all  hopin  for  a  high  old  time,  witch  may 
cum  oft'  at  enny  moment.  Ef  we  don't  put  em  throo  for  the 
massacree  at  Bull  Run  and  the  torpedoes  at  Yorktown,  thars  no 
perswashin  in  saber  bagnets. 

In  the  intrim  our  Ginral,  who,  as  you  may  hev  heerd,  is  een- 
amost  wushipt  by  the  army,  is  by  no  meens  an  idol  man.  On 
Monday  he  put  Ginral  Porter  at  the  head  of  a  considabul  boddy 
of  troops,  and  told  him  to  go  to  Hanover,  witch  he  dun,  and, 
arter  a  hevy  skrimmidge,  tuck  the  place.  It  was  a  big  thing, 
and  you  will  eggscuse  me  for  crowin  over  it.  Our  loss  when 
footed  up  will  be  a  mere  handful,  as  ushil ;  but  I  kant  state  the 
figgers,  becase,  altho  inenny  of  the  troops  hes  cum  back,  we  hev 
no  returns.  Our  men  dun  well  in  the  engagement,  and  the 
wowuded  hev  ben  dooin  as  well  as  could  be  eggspcctcd  ever 
senst.  The  fo  left  wun  hunderd  and  nine  men  and  a  sutler 
ded  on  the  field,  and,  singlar  to  relate,  they  were  all  shot  in  the 
eye  with  grape  shot — shov.'in  the  unerrin  ackaracy  of  our  artillty. 
This  I  lied  from  an  eye-witness,  a  remarkbly  clear-sighted  volun- 
teer from  the  Buckeye  State. 

Our  men  berrid  the  enemee's  ded  in  thar  own  riful-pits,  witch 


A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER.          153 

came  handy  arter  the  fateeg  of  slorter,  and  capterd  five  hunderd 
head  of  seecesli  alive. 

The  jography  of  Hanover,  witch  is  the  court-house  town  of 
Hanover  county,  and  contains  six  whiskey  mills,  two  churches, 
a  constabul,  seven  squires,  and  a  jail,  besides  about  two  hunderd 
white  trash,  that  no  jenteel  nigger  will  assoshiate  with,  is  as 
follers.  It  is  right  on  the  Richinound  &  Fredericksburg  Rail- 
road, mebbe  twenty  milds  from  Richrnound ;  and  so  you  see 
while  Ginral  Maclellin  is  menassing  Bowerygard's  frunt,  he  hcs 
also  opened  a  fire  in  his  rare  This,  I  bleve,  is  what  he  sposed 
Ginral  Macdoill  was  to  do ;  but  it  seems  that  wunderful  milen- 
lary  cheeftin,  who  hes  ben  pickin  his  teeth  and  jinglin  his  spurs 
in  the  neyberhood  of  Fallniouth  for  the  Lord  nose  how  long,  hes 
suddently  ben  ordered  on  a  fool's  errant  to  Manasses,  arter  Jack- 
son. He's  a  sprisin  man*  is  Ginral  Macdoill.  Settin  aside 
Siezer,  Hanna  Bull,  and  Haveluck,  he  is  eggsheld  by  few,  and 
eggseeded  by  nun..  His  former  masteerly  retreet  from  Manasses 
fully  entitles  him,  I  should  say,  to  be  sent  thar  agen. 

Wot  do  you  think  of  the  Banks  aff'are  ?.  We  regaird  it  here  as 
an  amazin  peace  of  strategy.  A  trap  peers  to  hev  ben  sot  for 
the  rebels,  and  Banks  and  his  five  thousand  left  for  bait.  Jack- 
son, the  poor  ignarunt  old  rat,  walked  inter  the  snare,  tooth  and 
toe-nail,  and  ef  he  happens  to  git  off  with  a  claw  this  time,  in 
coarse  we  must  do  as  the  old  wumman  did  when  she  used  her 
husband's  boddy  for  eel-bait — try  for  anuther  liaul.  Boddies  of 
men  is  of  no  consekens  when  the  objeck  of  leavin  em  to  be 
butchered  is  preyswurthy.  The  eend  sankshins  the  meens.  I 
trust,  tharfore,  that  the  reck  of  Bankses  brigade  do.osent  consider 
thar  cumraids  was  recklessly  sacrifised  at  Fnmt  Ryal,  Winches- 
ter, and  cetery ;  and  that  no  wun  is  so  inhuman  as  to  blame  the 
cam,  considerate,  high-minded,  far-seein,  libral,  perfound,  curt- 
shus,  and  desarvedly  poplar  Seckatry  of  War.  The  hull  army 
of  the  Potomac  considers  him  a  nincumpairable  publick  offsir, 
and  altho  sartain  editors  hcs  thort  fit  to  call  him  a  bag  of  wind, 
he  is  reely  a  man  of  grate  saygassity. 

Senst  the  abuv  parrygraft  was  rit,  informashin  hes  ben  receved 
in  camp  that  Ginral  Freemount  is  to  re-enforce  Banks,  witch  will 
leeve  the  Mountin  Deestrick  at  the  marcy  of  the  gorillas.  But 
the  cuttin  of  a  hunderd  or  two  Union  throats,  more  or  less,  is 
naterally  a  seckindary  considerashin  to  ketchin  Jackson.  They'll 
hev  him,  mark  my  wurds,  jest  as  shoor  as  Paddy  capterd  the 
flee. 

I  notis  thars  considabul  sed  in  the  New  York  papers  you  sent 
7* 


154  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

me  about  Union  sentiment  in  Virginny.  But  we  don't  see  it. 
Ef  it  eggsists  in  these  parts,  the  people  lies  a  high  old  talent  for 
dissimerlashin  They  wun  and  all  greet  us  with  the  kinder 
epithets  ushilly  applied  to  the  skum  of  the  airth,  and  nuthiu  but 
purseual  considerashius  pervents  the  wiminen  frorri  runnin  thar 
sissors  inter  us.  I  wunst  was  tuck  prisner  by  the  Cummanchy 
Injuns,  and  I  must  say  thar  squors  treeted  me  with  more  perlite- 
ne3s  than  the  ladies  of  the  Fust  Famalees  shows  to  our  sojers. 
They  don't  say  mutch,  but  they  spit  with  rernarkabul  force  and 
ackaracy,  and  no  longer  ago  than  yestday  a  Massachoosets  man 
who  offerd  his  cheek  to  a  volunteer  saloot  from  one  of  em,  hed 
the  peace  tuck  out  as  clean  as  ef  it  hed  ben  dun  with  a  gouge. 
Ef  that's  Union  feelin,  I  ken  oney  say  Ive  no  wish  to  put  ray 
mousetushes  in  setch  a  persishin  as  to  procure  me  a  simildar 
token  of  regaird. 

Ankshusly  awaitin  victry  or  deth,  but  preferrin  victry,  I 
remane,  with  my  sole  in  arms, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LIV. 

[The  last  fearful  battle  near  Richmond  seems  to  have  been 
almost  too  much  for  the  iron  nerves  of  the  gallant  old  soldier. 
We  do  not  wonder  that  the  ride  over  the  fatal  field  on  Monday 
made  him  heartsick. — EDS.] 

IN  FRUNT  OF  RICHMOTJND,  June  4, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  NerTcary  : 

As  youre  awar  I  was  at  the  battel  of  Inkerman  and  also  seen 
the  famus  charge  of  that  impetyus  British  trump  Lord  Cardgain 
at  Blacklaver,  but  the  fightin  in  these  diggins  last  Saterday  and 
Sunday  was  sumthin  to  holler  on  even  arter  witnessin  the  rushin 
work  in  the  Crynieah.  Saterday  the  rebels  druv  us  for  a  wile, 
thars  no  denyin  that ;  but  by  Genesis !  it  was  oney  by  the  force 
of  numbers.  About  twenty-five  thousand  of  em  pitcht  onegg- 
specktedly  inter  Ginral  Caseys  Brigade  in  the  midst  of  setch  a 
storm  as  no  rayshinall  beins  wuld  hev  thort  of  facin  without  injy 
rubber  overcoats  and  nmbrellers.  It  litened  to  that  degree  that 
youd  hev  sposed  the  biggest  fool  on  airth  would  hev  beu  struck 
with  the  danger  of  carryin  a  mttsket ;  but,  regairdless  of  the 


A    DISBANDED    VOLUNTEER.  155 

legtrick  flewicl,  they  thunderd  down  upon  our  advance  like  u 
buiTycain.  Qinral  Caseys  Brigade  receved  the  fust  shock. 
Drencht  with  rain,  they  was  standin  shiverin  in  a  corn  feelcl 
Avhen  they  suddenly  found  thai-selves  atwixt  three  tires.  Thar 
persishin  was  singlarly  pictoresk,  bein  purty  mutch  sirroimded 
with  woods,  and  altogether  a  nice  seekwesterd  spot  for  a  pick- 
nick  party.  Ef  the  eneinee  hedent  misfortinately  got  inter  the 
timber  in  frunt  of  em,  and  on  both  flanks,  they  mought  hev  held 
the  fo  at  a  ded  lock  sum  time,  but  as  it  was  they  bolted.  They 
retreted  in  order — sum  ses  in  good  order,  but  accordin  to  the 
best  int'ormashin  I  ken  git,  it  was  in  short  order.  Menny  of  our 
offsirs  allows  that  a  feeld  with  woods  on  three  sides  of  it  isent 
an  overly  saift  place  in  a  milentary  pint  of  view,  onless  the 
woods  is  ockapied  as  well  as  the  open,  but  in  coarse  when  men 
meets  with  a  reverse,  evryboddy  ken  see  how  it  mought  hev 
ben  vicey  versey. 

I  was  with  Ginral  Maclellin  when  the  noose  of  the  attact  was 
brort  to  head  kwarters,  and  as  ushil  on  setch  ockashins,  the  egg- 
stent  of  the  disaster  in  frunt  was  falsely  stated  by  the  fudgetives. 

But  it  made  no  more  impreshin  onto  him  than  the  firy  bolts 
did  onto  A  Jacks.  He  at  wunst  sent  two  brigaids  by  the  cars  to 
the  van,  and  the  fresh  troops  goin  in  with  cheers  sun  turnt  the 
tables.  The  battel  continyin  with  onabaited  fury,  the  steam  was 
kept  up  and  other  boddies  dispatched  from  time  to  tim«,  ontil 
Night  hysted  her  star-spangled  banner  over  the  cumbertents, 
and  the  work  of  deth  was  suspended.  When  they  could  no 
longer  see  to  shoot,  both  sides  laid  down  on  thar  arms  and  tried 
to  refresh  tharselves  with  a  littel  sleep  prevus  to  meetin  on 
Sunday. 

At  daylight  on  the  blessed  Sabbath — long  afore  you  city  fokes 
had  begun  to  dress  for  church — we  dressed  our  ranks  and  went 
in.  It  was  Unkel  Sam's  turn  now,  and  we  made  old  seecesh  see 
stars.  Hindsellman  raked  em  fore  and  aft  with  his  artillry  and 
musketry,  and  Sedgewick  and  Richardson  gin  em  pertickler  fits. 
As  sun  as  our  men  got  the  enemee  outer  the  woods  inter  the 
opes,  whar  they  hed  full  skoop  for  the  bagnet,  they  gin  em  the 
cold  iron.  The  Sutherners  dont  peer  to  keer  a  chaw  of  tobacker 
for  bullits,  but  they  wont  stand  spittin.  When  they  see  the 
shinin  steel  cummin  at  thar  brests,  they  loose  hart,  and  run  like 
deers  for  deer  life.  But  runnin  dident  save  em  this  time,  lor 
they  was  run  throo  by  lumderds.  Four  hunderd  is  sed  to  b-v 
ben  wiped  out  by  the  bagnet  alone.  I  counted  more'n  a  inndord 
myself  in  one  peace  of  swompy  ground,  and  at  least  fifty  of  em 


1 

156  WAK     LETTERS     OF 

was  speered  throo  the  back.  It  was  an  orfnl  sight,  and  I  wisht 
that  sum  of  youre  New  York  blud-and-thunder  kwill-drivers  as 
prefers  slorter  to  circumvenshin,  could  jest  hev  rode  over  the 
battel-feeld  with  me  last  Monday  mornin,  and  seen  the  glassy 
eyes  and  pale  upturnt  faces  that  bore  silent  witness  agen  war, 
wile  the  green  airth  was  wet  with  dirnond  doos,  and  the  birds 
was  singin  hims  of  peace  among  the  bushes  whar  menny  of  the 
wounded  hed  crawld  away  to  die. 

The  victry  was  cumpleat ;  but  I  dessay  sum  of  your  pen-and- 
ink  Ginrals,  as  sets  in  thar  editorial  sanktums  and  plans  onpossa- 
Mlities,  will  take  thar  tex  from  Caseys  discumforture  and  say 
"  the  Army  of  the  Potomac  was  defeted." 

I  warent  mutch  in  this  last  battel,  hevin  ben  prencepally 
emploid  doorin  both  days  in  carryin  orders  from  the  cumrnanclin 
Ginral  to  the  different  corpses  to  moove  forrard  or  full  back,  as 
ockashin  reckwired.  This,  howsever,  is  a  critterkill  kinder 
sarvice  as  you  may  siimise  from  the  fack  that  I  hed  six  hcsses 
shot  onder  me  ;  and  wunst,  wile  lyin  on  the  ground,  a  hoss  shot 
over  me,  strikin  a  pistil  I  hed  razed  to  plug  him,  with  his  flyin 
heels.  Wot  is  most  extrornary,  the  kick  dischargcl  the  pistil 
and  the  ball  strikin  the  animil  in  a  vital  spot  kild  him  instantly. 
In  takin  an  order  to  Ginral  Hindsellman  I  hed  to  ride  throo  a 
cross  fire  of  grape  and  riful  balls  of  a  most  eggsilin  nater,  door- 
ing  witch  three  bullits  passed  throo  my  iiiilentary  flapjack  and 
wun  ludged  in  my  stop-watch,  and  I  found  on  resortin  to  my 
terbacker-box  for  a  chaw,  arter  gettin  outer  range,  a  fil't  hed  per- 
petrated the  lid  and  lodged  in  the  Cavindish.  I  hev  sent  the 
box  with  the  bullit  and  the  terbacker  inter  it  to  Fortress  Monroe 
to  be  forrarded  to  the  SUNDAY  MERKARY  offiz,  and  I  wish  you 
to  sho  it  to  all  inkwirin  frends  as  a  pruff  that  the  old  sojer  dident 
srink  from  dooty  in  the  face  of  danger. 

Our  advance  line  is  now  right  in  frunt  of  the  intrenchments 
at  Bichmound,  and  not  more  n  three  miles  from  Jetf  Davises 
House. 

If  Richmound  is  tuck  I  shall  get  a  furlo  and  go  to  Wash- 
ington to  recrute — I  mean  to  recrute  my  sperrits,  for  wot 
with  seens  of  carnedge  by  day  and  dreemin  of  em  at  night,  Ime 
gettin  to  be  wot  the  docters  calls  a  hippocorndrake. 

I  larn  to-day  that  our  gunboats  is  wuust  more  asendin  the 
James  and  that  the  grand  attact  on  the  enemee  is  to  cum  olf 
within  a  week.  Hopin  that  it  will  hev  a  loKnit  issoo  I  remain, 
reddy  for  Glory  or  the  Grave, 

Yours  alias,  A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEU.          157 

No.  LV. 

[Our  venerable  military  friend  is  somewhat  in  the  didactic 
vein,  the  lull  which  has  succeeded  the  stormy  battle  of  Fair 
Oaks  not  furnishing  much  opportunity  for  dramatic  description. 
His  letter  is,  nevertheless,  a  quaint  and  interesting  one,  and 
Strongly  marked  with  the  peculiarities  of  style  which  have  ren- 
dered his  correspondence  so  generally  popular. — EDS.] 

BEFOKE  RICHMODND,  June  9, 1SG2. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merlc&ry : 

Senst  the  battel  of  Fair  Oaks  (or  Fair  Hoax  as  wun  of  our  line 
offsirs  of  the  British  perswashin  calls  it)  things  hes  remaned 
Btashinary,  with  few  adventers  to  relate  wuth  pen  ink  and  paper. 
Fact  is,  both  sides  was  so  all-slorterusly  cut  up  in  that  sangwin- 
ary  struggel  that  all  hands  felt  inklined  to  paws  for  a  spell, 
prevus  to  atlemptin  enny  new  feet  of  arms.  The  hull  affair  was 
as  like  the  two  days  shindy  at  Shylow,  as  wun  little  nigger  is 
like  its  bruther.  The  rebels  dun  a  purty  good  six  hours  wurk 
on  Saterday,  and  we  paid  em  off.  and  sumthin  over  by  way  of 
advance,  on  Sundaj'.  Mutch,  howsever,  depends  upon  the 
Seckatry  of  War.  If  that  extrornary  institooshin  orders  up  the 
nessary  re -enforcements,  the  seecesh  army  will  be  deleted  and 
disburst ;  but  ef,  on  tuther  hand,  he  refewses  the  the  reckwired 
suckers,  we  may  find  it  onpossabul  to  git  perssesshin  of  their 
formadouble  brestwurks,  ockapied  as  they  air  by  the  cream  of 
the  Sutbern  infantry.  Its  all  very  well  for  nooscpaper  curry- 
spondents  to  poke  fun  at  the  shabby  aperience  of  the  enemee, 
but  it  doosent  foller  bekase  a  sojcr  is  drest  in  butternuts  that  he's 
a  milksop,  and  I  ken  tell  you  the  hard  luckin  cusses  fight  jest  as 
hard  as  they  luck.  More  over  they  outnumber  us  in  the  prepor- 
shin  of  more'n  three  to  two,  and  ef  the  spasmudic  Head  of  the 
War  Department  wishes  to  avide  bein  tuck  with  anuther  panicky 
pericksism  like  that  he  hed  when  he  rit  to  the  Guvner  of  Massa- 
chusets  for  help,  he'd  better  make  shoor  of  a  Union  victry  by 
puttin  fresh  troops  on  the  rout  without  delay.  Report  ses  that 
the  Seckatry  was  orfully  shagreened  at  the  way  merry  Andrews 
larfed  at  him  about  the  Banks  fieaskoh ;  so  prehaps  he'll  steer 
clar  of  simildar  Tomfooleries  in  luter.  He  nose  wot  would  make 
Ginral  Maclellin's  sucksess  sartin.  Will  he  do  it?  A'ose  -eer- 
rons,  we  shall  see,  as  they  say  in  Payris. 

Wen  the  losses  on  both  sides  at  the  battel  of  Fair  Oaks  cums 


158  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

to  be  figgered  out — ef  they  ever  air — I  predicate  they  will  foot 
up  a  totil  of  not  less'n  sixteen  thousand,  witch  is  about  wun 
thousand  niore'n  the  French  and  Ostreans  lost  at  the  famus  fight 
of  Mayrungo,  whar  Bonypart  licked  Ginral  Melasses  army  too 
de  sweet,  as  he  eggsprest  it.  Richniound  papers  confesses  to  ten 
thousand  on  thar  side  and  its  well-known  here  that  we  hed  over 
six  thousand  wiped  out,  wownded  and  captivated,  besides 
loosin  seventeen  guns,  of  witch,  howsever,  nine  was  retuck  tords 
the  tail-eend  of  the  shindy.  It  was  ondoubtedly  a  Union  try- 
ump,  bekase  the  rebels  faled  in  their  objeck,  but  it  was  deer 
bought,  and  cum  thundering  near  proovin  an  orful  sell. 

All  the  divishuns  of  Ginral  Maclellin's  army  is  now  acrost 
the  Chickenhorniny,  witch  at  present  is  a  neverlaunch  of  foemin 
waters,  in  consekens  of  the  late  inondashun.  The  Army  of  the 
Potomac  must  take  no  steps  backards,  ses  the  cummandin 
Ginral,  and  I  can  oney  say  that  if  it  skedaddles  onder  present 
suckemstances,  its  likely  to  sheer  the  fate  of  the  Duck  of  Clar- 
ence, in  the  play,  and  git  drownded  in  the  drink. 

Casey's  divishin  witch  cum  so  near  bein  a  case  in  the  late  en- 
gagement, is  quitted  of  all  blame  for  quittin  the  feeld  in  con- 
fushin.  Few  of  the  human  race  would  hev  dun  utherwise. 
The  outside  presshur  was  equil  to  five  to  wun,  and  ef  that  isent 
a  suflishent  resin  for  caving  in,  then  a  man  wouldent  be  jestified 
in  jumpin  oif  a  high  presshur  Mussysippi  steamboat,  when  he 
sor  the  firemen  rollen  barls  of  pitch  inter  the  furness,  and  the 
enginear  settin  astride  on  the  saifty  valve  makin  his  last  will  and 
testyment.  The  brigaid  was  put  in  advance  to  feel  the  enernee, 
and  hevin  felt  of  em  and  findin  em  too  hevvy  to  handel,  they  let 
go  suddently  and  fell  back.  "  Setch  things  is  common,"  as 
Hamlet  s  unkel  remarks  in  the  tradegy,  jest  afore  he  pledges  the 
yung  prence  in  the  flowin  bole.  But  thar '11  be  no  more  of  these 
affairs,  bekase  why,  the  divishins  is  all  within  close  sportin  dis- 
tans  of  wun  anuther,  and  detatched  boddies  wont  hev  to  fight 
for  hours  onsupported,  on  thar  own  hooks,  as  Hooker  did  at 
Williamsbug  and  Casey  would  hev  dun  at  Fair  Oaks,  ef  his 
troops  hedent  marveld  to  the  rare. 

Our  line  of  pickets  is  now  so  closte  to  the  enemee's  that  both 
hes  to  play  possum  all  they  no,  and  with  all  thar  injun  tricks  to 
git  a  saift  shot  at  won  anuther,  ten  or  a  duzzin  is  put  throo  on 
thar  side  and  about  hafe  as  menny  on  ourn,  evry  twenty-four 
hours.  Skriminidging  is  also  goin  on  purty  mutch  all  the  time 
atwixt  the  mounted  reckonnoiterors,  and  last  night  twenty-five 
of  thar  light  dragoons  rode  inter  wun  of  our  advance  camps  in 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  159 

the  dark,  by  mistake,  and  bein  hemmed  in,  it  is  needles  to  say 
they  was  sewed  up  in  short  order.  In  coarse,  these  promiscuss 
brushes  must  eend  in  the  mane  boddies  gettin  inter  each  others 
har  afore  long,  and  nex  time  tharll  be  no  let  up  ontil  wun  side 
or  tuther  is  a  goner. 

Two  balloons  was  up  to-day,  and  brort  down  informashin  that 
at  least  forty  thousand  seecesh  is  onder  arms  within  a  mild  and 
a  hafe  of  our  outposts,  and  that  many  of  the  ridgments  peered 
to  be  corned  and  a  salting  wun  anuther.  Desarters  also  ses  that 
things  ginrally  is  in  an  orful  pickel  in  the  rebel  camp,  and  that 
the  sojers  is  clamrus  for  thai-  back  pay,  and  grately  soured  by  the 
treatment  they  hev  receved  from  the  Cornfedrit  guverment. 
These  stories  may  be  on  the  squar,  but  its  jest  as  likely  thars  no 
more  solid  foundashin  for  em  than  there  is  bottom  to  the  iufarnal 
pit.  I  remane,  with  firy  ardor, 

Yours,  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEB. 


No.  LVL. 

[In  the  absence  of  stirring  incidents,  our  venerable  military 
correspondent  sends  some  interesting  intelligence  from  Rich- 
mond, furnished  by  refugees  from  that  city.  He  does  not  guar- 
anty its  accuracy.  The  Disbanded  seems  to  suppose  that 
McClellan  will  be  attacked  before  he  has  completed  his  arrange- 
ments for  taking  Richmond  according  to  Jomini.  We  think  it 
quite  likely.  The  ignorant  and  stolid  rebels  have  no  respect  for 
military  science. — EDS.] 

NEW  BRIDGE  NEAR  RICHMOITND,  June  19, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

Spades  is  trumps.  The  shuvvel's  mityer'n  the  swoord.  In 
planer  words,  Ginral  Maclellin  is  droring  lines  of  circumvalua- 
shin  around  Richmound  and  infestin  it  accordin  to  the  rules  of 
war.  The  seecesh  Army  onder  Ginral  Lee  heving  ben  trenien- 
jusly  increast  lately,  this  seems  to  be'  the  saiftest  way  of  redoociu 
it.  Consekently  we  air  advancin  by  reglar  approaches  and  the 
sojers  emplied  in  constructin  the  pairallels  finds  it  rayther  hard 
lines.  The  heat  is  so  intens  that  the  men  in  the  wurkin  parties 
drap  down  by  duzzens.  But  regairdless  of  the  firy  suns  of  the 


160  .      WAR    LETTERS    OP 

South,  our  brave  fellers  continny  thar  prodigus  efforts  and  air 
gradjally  liedgin  in  the  fo  with  milentary  ditches  and  uther 
wurks  of  afence.  Laborin  in  the  bowels  of  the  airth  perdooces 
menny  vialent  disinteric  cumplaints,  but  thars  no  grumblin; 
evry  volunteer  bein  desirus  of  dooin  his  utmost  to  eend  this 
liorrabul  intestin  struggel. 

Onless  we  air  attacted  you  needent  luck  for  enny  smashin 
wurk  in  these  diggins  for  sum  time,  tho  thars  more  or  less  shell- 
ing on  both  sides  evry  day,  jest  to  keep  the  ball  in  moshin.  The 
sege  guns  as  carries  the  hunderd  pound  slugs  ken  ouey  travel  at 
a  snails  pace  throo  the  orful  slows  in  our  rare,  and  ontil  they  air 
all  mounted  no  attemp  will  be  made  to  mount  the  enemee.  In 
the  meantime  our  cavalry  is  scourin  the  kentry,  and  makin  a 
clean  sweep  over  the  gorrillas  in  the  Pawmonkey  Swamps. 
Yestday  Kernil  Averill  seezed  a  lot  of  bosses  in  the  neybrood  of 
Metapony  Creek,  also  cuttin  off  severall  waggins  that  the  rebels 
was  too  much  in  a  hurry  to  wait  for,  besides  ketchin  rnore'n 
twenty  seecesh  simperthisers  as  bed  bed  a  jolly  time  givin  infor- 
mashin  to  Jackson  s  fillybusterin  troopers,  but  is  at  present  larf- 
ing  on  the  rong  side  of  their  mouths.  They  hev  ben  put  in 
irons  for  sheerin  in  the  rebel  steelins. 

Three  Union  refewgeese  from  Richmound,  who  bed  suck- 
seeded  in  alludin  the  enemees  sentnells,  disgjiysed  as  contra- 
bands, in  curled  hoss-hair  and  lam  black — a  dark  night  faverin 
thar  eskape — arrove  in  our  camp  this  mornin  at  daybrake. 
They  broke  outer  Castil  Godwin,  whar  they  wur  lyin  onder 
sentens  of  deth,  and  thar  noose,  if  correct,  is  of  the  hyst  interest. 
The  hull  tail  would  be  too  long  for  your  collumes,  but  the  fol- 
lerin  is  a  few  particklers  of  thar  narrativ  : 

In  the  subbubs  of  Richmound  the  rebels  hev  a  hunderd  and 
ninety-nine  thousand  men — more  or  less.  Thar  air  sum  green 
recrutes,  but  upon  the  hole  the  men  air  all  well  drilled.  Gus- 
tarvus  Smith,  the  New  York  gutter-skraper  lies  charge  of  the 
provishin  depoes,  and  by  his  advice  the  raw  cornfederit  con- 
skrips  is  used  prencepally  in  the  cookin  department.  Long- 
street's  divishin  is  practisin  the  manover  of  forrnin  in  solid 
squar.  This  is  the  same  Longstreet  as  was  sent  to  the  West  with 
orders  to  stop  all  the  avenoos  of  comrnunicashin  with  our  Lane. 
Smith  and  Longstreet  doosent  agree.  Smith  ses  Longstreet 
orter  hev  swept  Casey  and  Couch  from  the  feeld,  at  the  battel  of 
Fair  Oaks,  and  Longstreet  allows  that  the  oney  sweepin  charge 
ever  made  by  Gustarvus  was  agen  the  corporashin  of  New 
York.  Ginral  Early 's  divishin  is  the  latest  milentary  arrival  at 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  161 

the  cornfedrit  capital.  A  large  majority  of  the  peeple  of  Rich- 
mound  is  furious  Unionists,  but  keep  dark  for  fear  of  gettin, 
hung  by  the  Seecesh  minority.  The  purceedins  of  the  niggers 
is  a  nigma  to  evryboddy,  but  they  air  around  in  alarmin  num- 
bers, and  a  black  cloud  seems  to  be  impendin  over  the  devoted 
city.  The  place  is  not  onhealthy,  but  the  populashin  is  getting 
thinner  evry  day  in  consekeus  of  the  drafts.  The  jails  air  full 
of  poll}'  tickle  prisners,  who  air  fired  at  whenever  they  cum  to 
the  bars  of  thar  cells,  witch,  in  coarse,  is  gratin  to  thar  felines. 
They  air  hafe  starved,  and  all  thar  petishins  for  better  fare  oney 
illicit  an  eggative  from  the  sentnels  placed  at  thar  doors  by  the 
provost  marshal  Winder,  an  oifsir  with  a  forbiddin  mouth  and 
repulsiv  Roman  noes.  Randolf,  the  seecesh  Seckatry  of  War, 
was  formally  a  misabul  shyster  about  the  Richmound  courts, 
and  is  a  harder  Christian  than  his  predecessor  Jew  Benjiman. 
JeiF  Davis  lucks  orful  pail.  Menny  thinks  he  will  sun  kick  the 
bucket.  He  wtfres  a  long  shabby  sirtoot  that  was  his  weddin 
coat  when  he  marred  Ginral  Tailor's  darter.  His  har  is  iron 
gray,  and  his  hat,  witch  is  of  the  tallest  stove-pipe  pattern,  is 
disgracefully  rusty.  Felin  that  he  is  brandied  with  etarnal 
infamy  he  lies  recently  taken  to  drink.  Report  ses  he  is  a  pray 
to  remorse,  and  sumtimes  weeps  all  night  long,  witch  ackounts 
for  the  catarack  in  wun  of  his  eyes.  Mrs.  Jeff,  who  is  a  buck- 
sum  lady,  takes  things  more  filasofacoolly.  She  drives  throo 
the  streets  with  a  pair  of  fast  bays,  in  a  splendid  bayrush,  evry 
arternoon,  and  is  got  up  with  white  and  red  cockaids  in  gorgeus 
stile.  Most  of  the  stores  is  closed  ;  both  the  stock  and  the  pro- 
priators  hevin  ben  propriated  for  the  use  of  the  guverment. 
The  rebel  wimmin  ginrally  is  ongodly  sassy.  They  hev  small 
speciments  of  the  American  flag  nailed  to  all  thar  door-mats,  for 
the  conveenyance  of  wipin  thar  feet  and  spittin  on  the  Star- 
Spangled  Banner  evry  time  they  enter  thar  housen.  They  also 
assembul  in  large  numbers  daily  in  frunt  of  the  jail,  and  spit  at 
the  Union  prisners  throo  the  bars.  Thars  wun  set  as  calls  thar- 
selves  the  pro-slavery  Amazons,  who  subscribes  a  five-cent  shin- 
plaster  a  peece  at  evry  meetin,  and  the  member  as  spits  with  the 
greatest  ackaracy  takes  the  pool.  They  hev  named  this  pleasin 
divershin  Eggspectorashin  Loo.  No  licker  ken  be  had  any  whars 
but  at  Guvner  Letcher's,  whose  black  boddy-sarvant  brings  him 
six  gals  of  the  best  Mungoheeler  brand  from  public  store  evry 
twenty-four  hours.  Consekens  is  that  his  levies  is  attended  by 
throngs  of  the  eleet.  Daniels  of  the  Eggsaminer  gives  him  a 
punch  now  and  then,  but  that  is  oney  bekase  he  is  not  invited  to 


162  WAB    LETTERS     OF 

pardizzypate  in  the  whisky.  Hevy  cases,  sposed  to  contain 
gold,  is  frekwently  sent  South  by  the  rebel  leaders  on  varus 
speeshus  pertences.  They  air  directed  to  Tuskalooser,  Alabam, 
witch  indooses  menny  to  spose  that  thar  jaw  about  conkerin  or 
dyin  at  Richmound  is  all  a  lie.  '  »: 

The  abuv  items,  coppid  from  my  manyrandom  buck,  is  jest  as 
they  fell  from  the  lips  of  the  refewgeese.  You  ken  bleeve  as 
mutch  of  em  as  youre  a  mine  to,  or  as  littel.  The  fudgetives 
hevin  ben  in  close  confinement  for  four  munths,  its  wunderful 
how  they  pict  up  thar  informashin ;  but  far  be  it  from  me  to 
accuse  the  poor  beggars  of  wilful  mendicity. 

Ginral  Prim  visited  our  camp  last  week,  and  I  was  present  at 
his  intervew  with  Ginral  Maclellin.  He  sed  our  troops  was 
fully  ekwill  to  the  high-soled  Spanish  sojers  as  leathered  the 
Moroccoes,  and  complimented  the  ginral  on  makin  his  approaches 
accordin  to  the  rules  laid  down  by  Jo  Minie. 

Ef  the  rebels  wait  till  our  pairallels  is  completed,  we'll  bag 
em  shure ;  and  ef,  on  tuther  hand,  they  hev  the  onpairalleled 
asshurance  to  pitch  inter  us  afore  were  reddy,  they'll  run  agen  a 
snag.  Awaitin  the  issoo  with  the  most  sangwinary  hops  of 
sucksess,  I  remain,  ondawntedly, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEB. 


No.  LVII. 

[The  great  fight  before  Richmond,  our  correspondent  thinks, 
is  close  at  hand,  and  his  spirits  rise  with  the  prospect  of  an 
immediate  combat.  We  invite  attention  to  the  diagram  showing 
the  positions  of  the  two  armies.  If  correct,  the  rebels  are  "  out- 
flanked", and  in  imminent  danger  of  being  "crushed". 

IN  FRUNT  OF  RICEMOUND,  June  25, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

Matters  in  this  kwarter  air  rapidly  drawin  to  a  head — brushes 
is  gettin  more  lively  and  frekwent,  and  onless  the  rebels  skratch 
dirt  mity  kwick,  we  shell  comb  thar  liar  afore  the  cumin  Forth. 
Evry  day  brings  us  a  little  nearder  thar  lines,  and  enabuls  us  to 
form  a  better  estimit  of  the  strenth  of  thar  collumes. 

Jest  as  sun  as  Ginral  Maclellin  gits  all  his  big  Parrots  up  and 
his  magazeens  reddy,  he  will  attact  the  rebel  wurks  without 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  163 

further  preeface.  In  the  meantime  reenforcements  are  daylie 
arrivin,  and  the  Ginral-in-Cheef  thinks  we  hev  kwite  as  menny 
Helpers  as  the  Crisis  rekwires.  Ses  I  to  him  no  longer  ago  then 
last  Sunday : 

"  Ginral,  ef  you  oney  hed  all  them  Nuthern  melishy  whoos 
offers  of  sarvice  Seckatry  Stanton  was  deef  to  becase  they 
declined  to  list  for  three  'ears,  wot  everlastin  short  wurk  you'd 
make  with  Lee,  Longstreet  and  Co." 

"  My  brave  and  venabul  frend,"  he  replide,  returnin  my 
respectful  saloot  with  his  ushil  curtsey,  "  sperrit  makes  good  the 
want  of  numbers.  Did  you  ever  read  Henry  the  Fift's  stump 
speech  to  his  army  afore  the  famus  battle  of  A  Gin  Court,  whar 
the  Constabul  of  France  was  killed  ?" 

"  Never,"  ses  I. 

"  Wai,"  ses  he,  "  He  kwote  you  a  passidge."  And  openin  a  vol- 
lum  as  lay  on  the  camp  table  beside  him,  he  red  as  follers  : 

"  'If  we  air  marked  to  die,  we  air  enuff 
To  do  our  kentry  loss  ;  and  ef  to  live, 
The  fewer  men,  the  grater  sheer  of  honor.' 

That's  Shakespere,"  he  remarkt,  shuttin  the  buck,  "  and  tTiaVs 
me !" 

"  Bully  for  you,"  ses  Kaymond  of  the  Times,  who  enterd  the 
tent  at  that  moment,  "  you  put  me  in  mind  of  my  grate  annsis- 
ter,  Raymond  of  Tooloose,  who  figgerd  in  the  Holy  Land — by 
Jeroosalum !" 

It  isent  offen  the  eddytur-in-cheef  of  the  Times  gives  way  to 
setch  abolishins  of  enthoosiasum  ;  for,  like  the  Ginral-in-Cheef 
of  the  Army,  he's  remarkbly  moddest  and  onassoomin ;  so  much 
so  that,  altho  he  wunst  headed  a  sucksessful  and  sellybrated 
retreet  in  Italy,  he  rarly  boasts  of  his  milentary  eggsperience. 

We  hev  hed  sum  sharp  fitin  to-day  on  our  left,  whar  the 
enemee  for  sum  time  past  hes  ben  pickin  off  our  pickits  purty 
noomerusly.  Seecesh  was  spunky,  and  it  was  a  ded  lock  for  a 
wile,  but  finerly  we  carrid  the  key  to  wun  of  thar  persishins. 
Thar  was  also  a  lively  artillry  dooil  on  the  right,  it  which  the 
rebel  battrees  got  fits  from  Fits  John  Porter.  It  is  the  univarsal 
opinyun  in  camp  that  this  skrimmidging  may  or  may  not  proove 
the  imrnejut  prelimindary  to  a  ginral  engagement.  We  hev 
gained  considabul  ground  to-day,  and  the  rebels  may  try  to 
re-ockapy  it  to-morrow.  Ef  they  do,  thar'll  be  a  shindy  ekwill 
to  Sulphurino.  I  oughter  menshin,  as  wun  of  the  sines  of  an 
approachin  battle,  that  a  gang  of  Congressmen  as  hed  cum  to 
head-kwarters  to  pick  up  a  few  idees  for  bunkum  speeches  on 


164  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

the  conduck  of  the  war,  skedaddled  ycstday  like  a  flock  of 
harang-otangs  when  they  smell  a  tiger  in  the  jungel.  I  reckin 
its  party  saiffc  to  profcsy  that  the  grand  conflick  will  cum  off 
within  ten  days.  Seems  to  me  thar  must  be  ether  a  fight  or  a 
foot  race  twixt  this  and  Independence.  In  the  meantime,  you 
ken  form  a  graffic  idee  of  the  relative  persishins  of  the  two 
armies  from  the  follerin  ackarit  diegram,  witch  I  obtaned  from  a 
very  civil  engineer.  I  eggspeck  the  milentary  censer  will  go 
inter  asterisks  wen  he  sees  it,  but  arter  he  curns  too  he  11  prehaps 
see  that  it  isent  desined  to  designate  our  desines  to  the  eneinee, 
and  so  let  it  slide.  The  upper  seckshin  of  the  plan  repersents 
the  persishin  of  the  Nuthern  heroes  musterd  in  arms  under  the 
spangled  flag,  and  tuther  that  of  the  Suthern  Neroes  standin  in 
alarm  under  thar  mangled  rag : 


*##*****##  x-x 
*#**•»********«•«*******•;<•************ 


Slowly  but  surely,  ef  nuthin  occurs  to  spile  the  strutegic 
moovenient,  the  upper  seckshin  will  close  in  from  the  jint,  like 
a  pair  of  callipers,  ontil  the  two  eends  meet  and  the  rebel  crowd 
is  druv  inter  a  promiscus  heep,  and  completely  enwollopt  and 
cut  off.  This  is  a  strikin  improovement  on  the  oridginal  sarpen- 
tine  plan,  and  it  is  thort  will  anser  to  a  T.  Ef  the  fo  chuses  to 
attact,  so  mutch  the  wuss  for  them,  becase  then  the  strutegic 
masheen  will  close  suddently  with  a  snap,  and  the  skweedge 
will  be  still  more  fatil.  It  is  not  onpossabul  that  the  last  men- 
shint  catastropy  may  happen  within  forty-eight  hours,  and  that 
you  may  larn  the  trap  lies  ben  sprung,  by  the  wires,  afore  you 
git  this  missiff  by  the  post. 

Desarters  continnes  to  cum  inter  our  lines  at  the  rate  of  forty  to 
sixty  a  day,  and  ef  theyre  to  be  bleved  —  mind,  I  say  ef  theyre 
to  be  bleved  —  the  Richmounders  is  in  a  blamed  poor  way.  The 
lucksheries  of  life  in  that  volupshus  city  consists  of  half  rashins 
of  corn-dodgers  and  wurmy  pork  ;  and  sum  of  the  F.  F.  V.'s 
indulges  on  Sundays  in  weevely  hominy  and  salt  fish.  I  reckin 
that  part  is  troo,  for  a  more  lantern-jawed,  herrin-gutted,  grub- 
forsakin,  short-allowance-luckin  set  of  ragged  castaways  was 
never  taken  off  a  raff  at  sea,  arter  the  oridginal  number  hed  ben 
redooced  wun  hate  by  cannabullism.  As  to  takin  the  oath, 
they'd  swar  a  legions  to  Bellzcbub  for  a  bellyfull  of  beef  and  a  horn 
of  red-eye.  They  state  that  the  peaceabul  citysins  is  offerin  fifty 
dollars  a  peace  for  substiloots,  and  that  most  of  em  turns  out  bad 


A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER.          165 

eggs  and  skedaddles  at  the  first  opportoonity.  They  say  also  as 
the  rebel  ginrals  encurridges  the  men  to  fight  by  tellin  em  thars 
plenty  to  eat  and  drink  in  the  Union  camps,  and  that  thar  desput 
charges  is  not  caused  so  mutch  by  seckshinal  hatred  as  feroshus 
hunger.  Sum  may  larf  at  this,  but  for  my  pairt  Ide  rayther 
meet  a  i'eller  in  battle  that  hed  a  bone  to  pick  with  me  polly- 
tickally,  then  a  chap  as  wanted  to  be  inter  my  meat  house  becase 
he  thort  the  way  to  dinner  was  over  my  ded  boddy.  Famish- 
in  retches  would  as  leve  hev  thar  goose  cooked  wun  way  as 
anuther. 

THURSDAY,  June  26. 

This  mornin  I  rode  over  the  seen  of  yestday's  runcounter. 
We  druv  the  enemee  over  three  hunderd  yards,  and  our  advance 
is  now  outer  the  saft  swomp  and  tangled  underbrush  on  solid 
terror  firmer.  Our  loss  is  about  twenty-five  killed  and  rnebbe 
about  two  hunderd  wownded,  be  the  same  more  or  less — probly 
more.  All  is  perfeckly  kwiet  at  present,  but  the  hull  army  will 
sleep  to-night  with  wun  eye  open.  Blevin  that  Seecesh  is  in 
airnest  this  time,  and  that  a  momentuous  conflick  may  cummence 
at  enny  hour,  I  remane,  with  the  steam  up, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LVm. 

[Under  the  depressing  influences  of  disaster  and  defeat,  our 
veteran  correspondent  is  less  vivacious  than  is  his  wont.  Never- 
theless, he  is  stout  of  heart  and  hopeful.  So  must  we  all  be. 
There  is  no  such  word  as  fail  in  the  vocabulary  of  true  men 
engaged  in  a  righteous  cause. — EDS.] 

NEAR  TURKEYBEND,  July  1, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  tlie  Sunday  Merkary : 

The  issoo  of  five  days  of  the  most  sevagarus  fighten  that  ever 
tuck  place  in  this  hemispear  may  be  skweeged  inter  three  words. 
We  air  wJiipt.  Its  hard  to  say,  and  harder  to  bare,  but  we  hev 
met  the  enemy  and  ben  kompelled  to  turn  back.  The  malishus 
fo  will  swar  that  we  fled  in  dismay ;  the  dispatches  to  the  Guv- 
erinent  will  claim  that  we  retreated  in  good  order.  Make  a  gin- 
ral  avridge  of  the  two  stories,  and  you  will  be  as  near  the  trootli 
as  a  noosepaper  ken  eggspect  to  git  in  these  mendashus  times. 


166  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

Abuv  all,  don't  place  enny  faith  in  the  curryspondence  of  the 
daylie  press,  for  to  my  sartain  nolledgemost  of  the  quill-drivers 
for  the  New  York  jernils  is,  and  hes  ben  ever  senst  Thursday 
last,  in  a  mental  condishin  witch  holy  incapassitates  them  from 
collectin  thar  idees,  and  ef  tlie  colleckshin  was  made,  it  would 
be  about  as  much  like  the  facks  of  the  case  as  a  last  years  skare- 
crow  is  like  the  statoo  of  Ginral  Jackson  at  Washington.  As  to 
the  detales,  it  would  take  a  vollum  of  your  valabul  paper  to  give 
em  in  full,  or  even  hale  full — but  I  will  say  this,  that  senst  grit 
was  developt  in  the  human  faminaly,  it  never  was  more  con- 
spickusly  displaid  than  it  hes  ben  by  the  army  of  the  Potomac, 
doorin  its  advance  backards  under  the  preshure  of  sooperior  num- 
bers, from  the  Chickeuhominy  to  Turkey  bend.  We  hev  probly 
lost  ten  or  twelve  thousand  men,  and  mebbe  thirty  or  forty  can- 
non, big  and  littel,  but  we  air  now  saift  on  the  banks  of  James 
River,  whar  the  broadsides  of  more'n  a  duzzen  gunboats  will 
assist  in  layin  the  seecesh  flat  on  their  backs  ef  they  renoo  the 
attact.  We  mowed  em  down  for  two  hours  yestday  arternoon, 
in  reglar  swaths,  and  I  dont  bleve  they'll  try  it  on  agen  on  a 
suddent. 

The  carnidge  in  both  armies  doorin  the  six  days  conflick  has 
ben  prodijus,  but  I  bleve  that  fur  every  two  Union  men  wiped 
out  about  three  rebels  hes  been  squelched.  They  gin  us  volly 
for  volly,  and  more  too,  but  our  aim  was  the  best,  and  we  hed  the 
biggest  lump  to  fire  at,  consekently  the  heft  of  the  slorterus 
reciprossity  was  on  our  side. 

The  hull  avalabul  force  onder  Ginral  Maclellin  at  the  beginnin 
of  the  fight,  was  rayther  less  than  ninety  thousand  men,  while 
the  rebels  hed  full  a  hundred  and  fifty  thousand,  and  Ginral 
Stunwall  Jackson  arterwards  rushed  in  with  forty  thousand 
more.  He's  a  smart  man,  is  Stunwall — eenamost  as  remarkabul 
as  a  skillful  sojer  as  Freemount  is  as  a  nincumpoop — and  that's 
payin  him  a  high  complement.  In  coarse  we  eggspected  his 
case  would  be  attended  to  by  the  Shunandoor  Ginrals,  but  they 
patterned  their  tacktricks  arter  Ginral  Patterson,  when  he  was 
orderd  to  pitch  inter  Johnston,  and  the  consekens  was  that  Jack- 
son cum  down  upon  vis  jest  in  the  nick  of  time,  as  Johnston  did 
on  Macdoill  at  Bull  Run. 

I  spose  the  same  wuuderful  saygasity  as  weakened  Bankses 
army  when  Jackson  was  re-enforced,  hes  afforded  this  ruff  and 
redcly  rebel  this  new  opportunity  to  destingwish  hisself  at  our 
eggspense.  Westurn  Virginny  is  said  to  be  the  Seckatry  of 
War's  pet  milentary  deestrick,  his  speshil  manoverin  ground ; 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB.  167 

and  I  trust  when  the  histry  of  that  immens  statesman,  accom- 
plisht  sojer,  and  imminent  telygraft  operator  is  ritteu,  his  bril- 
yant  sarvices  to  his  kentry  in  that  rejin  will  receive  doo  honor. 
Ef  I  was  good  at  panijerk,  I  wouldn  t  mind  pronouncin  a  ulow- 
jim  on  him  in  advance ;  but  Irne  afeard  it  wouldn't  be  appre- 
shiated  by  the  awjence  by  which  I  am  at  present  sirrounded. 
Indeed,  the  probility  is  that  if  I  was  to  venter  the  eggsperiment, 
I  should  be  linched  by  the  foot-soar,  powdcr-siled,  bleedin,  groan- 
in  thousands  who  hev  jest  ben  ordered  to  prepair  for  anuther 
retreat  of  ten  milds,  from  Turkey  bend  to  Harrassin's  Bar.  Setch 
is  prejewdice.  My  cuinraids,  wun  and  all,  bleve  that  Seckatry 
Stanton  is  at  the  bottom  of  all  thar  misfortins,  and  responsabul 
for  thar  discurnforture.  A  minister  in  Japan,  under  a  sirnildar 
cloud,  would  whip  out  his  swoord  and  hurry-skurry  hisself  at 
wunst — the  idee  in  Japan  bein  that  when  an  offlshal  is  thort  to 
hev  made  a  stab,  axedental  or  otherwise,  at  the  vitals  of  the 
State,  he  is  bound  to  insert  a  few  inches  of  cold  iron  inter  his 
own.  But  in  this  kentry  thars  a  more  massy ful  way  of  gettin 
outer  the  diffikulty.  An  onpoplar  minister  may  resign  or  he 
may  be  kickt  outer  offis  inter  everlastin  obskewrity.  Prehaps  ef 
the  illustrus  head  of  the  War  Department  was  to  take  the  former 
method  of  retirin  on  his  lorils,  it  mought  be  satisfactory  to  an 
ongrateful  kentry.  Republicks  is  setch  thankless  consarns  that 
I  shouldent  be  sprised  ef  three-forths  of  the  comnioonity  would 
rejice  at  setch  a  catastrofy.  Sumwhars  in  profane  history,  I 
reckin  it  must  hev  ben  in  Pluto's  lives,  Ive  red  of  a  feller  of  the 
name  of  Arestidees,  who  was  banishd  bekase  peeple  was  tired  of 
heerin  him  crackt  up  for  his  honesty.  Possably  the  Seckatry  of 
War's  feller  citysins  is  tired  of  heerin  him  crackt  up  for  his 
energee  and  cetery,  who  nose  ?  Arestidees  was  tride  by  ginral 
eleckshin  with  oyster  shells  for  ballots,  and  the  verdick  was 
"  skedaddle",  witch  he  dun.  I  wunder  wether  Seckatry  Stanton 
wouldn't  be  shelled  out  of  the  kentiy  ef  he  was  put  to  vote  in  the 
same  way. 

To  morrer,  or  prehaps  this  arternoon,  we  shall  start  for  Har- 
rassin  Bar,  and  eggspeck  to  be  harrasst  by  the  rebels  on  our 
retreat,  bat  we  shall  keep  along  the  bank  of  the  river,  pairtly 
onder  the  proteckshin  of  our  gunboats,  and  the  conuuanclin 
ginral  thinks  that  if  we  air  attact  we  ken  hold  our  own.  Yes- 
terday arteruoon  we  gin  em  fits  at  this  pint,  drivin  em  like  sheep 
and  takin  a  hull  raff  of  em  prisners.  Sum  say  Ginral  Magruder 
is  among  em,  but  I  hevent  seen  him  yet.  As  you  air  awar,  I  cum 
thundcrin  near  bag-gin  him  wunst  myself,  but  his  drunken  luck 


168  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

saved  him.  Hopin  we  shell  sun  receeve  re-enforcements,  and  be 
agen  in  a  condishin  for  a  forrard  moovruent,  I  remain,  sin- 
cerely but  savagely, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LIX. 

[The  following  letter  from  the  soldier-satirist  is  in  his  best 
vein. — EDS.] 

HARRASSIN  BAR,  JAMES  RIVER,  July  9, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

Considerin  the  way  this  army  was  pitcht  inter  doorin  the  late 
ripstavin  fights,  it  recooperates  arnazin  rapid.  Bein  posted  on 
risin  ground,  we  air  abuv  the  reach  of  myasmatic  inflewences. 
In  the  onhelthy  wilderness  from  witch  we  hev  eskaped,  the  men 
sufferd  with  agar,  for  it  rekwired  the  constistooshin  of  a  hoss  to 
stand  the  moreasses  ;  but  in  our  present  cool  and  deliteful  sum- 
mer retreat,  the  sick  and  wownded  is  progressin  favorably,  and 
I  larn  from  the  docters  that  thars  but  few  deths  from  deceases  of 
the  liver.  Prehaps  this  is  owin,  in  part,  to  change  of  treatment, 
as  no  blue  pills  hes  ben  administerd  to  the  troops  for  sum  days 
past.  Nothwithstandin  our  losses,  it  was  well  we  dug  out  when 
we  did,  from  the  swomps  beyont  Gains'  Mill,  utherways'  nine- 
tents  of  us  mought  hev  found  our  graves  thar. 

Cullerd  refewgeese  from  the  rebel  camp  represents  that  thous- 
ands of  thar  sojers  was  thrown  inter  a  state  of  halloosinashiu 
by  the  gunpowder  cocktails  with  witch  they  refresht  tharselves 
doorin  the  recent  cumbats.  It  peers  that  a  kwart  of  red-eye 
stiffened  with  hafe  a  pound  of  powder,  was  sarved  out  to  each 
vetran,  and  a  dubble  doste  to  the  new  conskrips,  evry  day  doorin 
the  struggel.  In  coarse  the  solushin  of  rot-gut  and  saltpeter  kept 
em  continally  corned,  witch  ackounts  for  thar  makin  a  salt  arter 
a  salt  with  the  vigger  of  fresh  troops,  when  we  sposed  all  the 
grit  hed  ben  taken  outer  em.  But  last  week,  arter  the  final  ac- 
shin,  reacshin  commenst,  and  setch  a  bellerin  and  rorin  as  thar 
was  in  the  seecesh  ranks  (ef  the  fudgetives  is  to  be  bleved)  was 
never  heerd  afore  outside  of  an  insanitory  institooshin.  They 
all  sposed,  as  is  ushally  the  case  in  many  a  potyous,  as  the 
Grate  Incinderary  was  in  pershoot  of  em  with  a  red  hot  poker 


A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER.          169 

and  bein  awar  that  the  contents  of  thar  stumniicks  was  highly 
cnmbustabul  and  extree-hazardus,  they  naterally  dredded  to  cum 
in  contract  with  setch  a  weepin.  Accordin  to  the  contrabands, 
sum  fansid  they  was  bumshells,  and  puttin  thar  tungs  out,  rek- 
wested  thar  cumraids  to  eggstingwish  the  fuse.  It  seems  thar- 
fore  that  altho  gunpowder  punch  may  be  an  all-feroshus  fightin 
beveridge,  yet  ef  a  man  takes  it  till  he  gets  shot  in  the  neck,  it  is 
liabul  to  play  the  devil  with  him.  » 

Our  lines  eggstend  from  jest  belo  Harrassin  Landin  about  seven 
milds  up  streem,  and  the  current  report  is,  that  we  air  to  remain 
on  the  banks  of  the  river  ontil  the  new  levees  is  razed  and 
drilled,  and  we  ken  advance  with  the  sartainty  of  overwelinin 
the  insirgents.  In  the  meantime,  re-enforcements  is  reachin  us  in 
transports,  and  the  hull  army  is  as  happy  as  Irishmen  at  a  wake. 
The  rashins  is  bully,  as  plenty  of  fresh  beef  cums  up  from  the 
Fort  evry  day.  Consek'ens  is,  we  air  all  gainin  flesh.  On  the 
march  from  the  Chickenhominy,  we  hed  nothin  but  the  hardest 
kinder  crackers,  and  its  a  wunder  we  dident  fizzle  out  on  setch 
repulsive  fare.  More'n  five  hunderd  contrabands  is  now  emploid 
in  the  cookin  department,  and  no  one  complains  that  animal 
food  is  meated  out  with  a  niggerd  hand.  The  opertoonity  to 
bathe  is  also  a  fine  thing  for  the  men,  and  hunderds  of  em  may 
be  seen  cuttin  up  thar  jimnasticks  in  the  James,  at  all  hours  of 
the  day. 

In  short  we  all  feel  in  boyantsperrits,  and  sink  or  swim,  sirvive 
or  perish,  we  are  reddy  to  strike  out  wunst  more  for  Kichinound 
at  the  word  go.  We  could  drive  the  rebels  like  deers  ef  we  oney 
hed  Fort  Darling.  The  plan  is  for  the  gunboats  to  git  a  brest  of 
it  while  we  open  on  its  rare  with  our  breeching  pieces,  but  this 
kant  be  dun  without  a  bigger  force  than  the  Ginral  now  hes  at 
his  disposhal.  When  Dai-ling  yields  to  our  arms,  a  few  power- 
ful rams  will  sun  clar  the  channel  from  piles  and  uther  obstruck- 
shins,  and  the  strong  hold  of  Virginny  will  be  ours.  Howsever 
its  idol  to  count  chickens  afore  thar  hatched,  as  I  confess  I  did 
when  we  began  to  shell  the  rebels  on  the  Chickenhominy.  I 
crowed  a  leetle  might  too  kwick,  thats  a  fack. 

Nuthin  ken  be  luvlyer'n  our  present  elevated  lowcashin.  The 
gentle  slopes  over  witch  we  lately  retreated  is  a  perfeck  panor- 
arnmer  of  pictoresk  buty,  altho  in  menny  places  the  rebel  corn 
hes  sufierd  from  the  tramplin  feet  of  our  sojers.  Feeld  larks 
sings  in  the  meddows  alLday  long,  and  all  throo  these  moonlight 
nights  the  encurridging  notes  of  the  "  whip-her-well"  seems  to 
foretell  the  cumming  fate  of  the  Suthern  Cornfedracy. 
8 


170  WAR    LETTERS     OP 

On  Toosday  evenin  last  the  hull  army  was  thrown  inter  con- 
vulshins  of  delight  by  the  suddent  apperience  of  the  President. 
He  is  in  fine  helth  and  sperrits  and  is  heving  a  tall  time,  holding 
revews  and  treting  us  all  to  a  perfeck  few  de  joy  of  cannon- 
drums. 

This  mornin  he  axed  me  why  he  resembeld  Ginral  Ma- 
clellin.  As  he  meshurs  six  feet  five  in  his  stockin  feet  and 
our  glorius  little  Mac  is  oney  five  feet  six  with  his  boots  on,  I 
couldn't  see  it,  but  he  imrnediently  releved  me  from  the  ang- 
wish  of  suspense,  by  statin  that  it  was  bekase  he  hed  jest  left  the 
White  House  for  James  Hiver.  Seeiu  he  was  in  the  humerus 
vain,  I  gin  him  the  follerin :  ses  I  "  Why  is  the  Seckatry  of  War 
like  a  lame  letter  carryer  ?"  He  couldn't  wool  it,  so  I  hed  to 
eggsplain  to  him  that  the  Seckatry  of  War  was  like  a  lame  letter 
carryer,  on  ackount  of  not  bein  the  right  Man  for  the  Post.  He 
wouldn't  see  it,  but  I  told  him  the  peeple  did.  Arter  remainin 
silent  for  a  few  moments,  doorin  wich  I  persoom  he  was  turnin 
the  Seckatry  over  in  his  mind,  the  ushil  plesant  twinkle  cum 
back  to  his  eyes,  and  he  inkwired  ef  I  could  tell  him  wot  to  do. 
with  Freemount.  "  My  venabul  frend,"  ses  I,  "  ef  you  want  to 
do  the  clean  thing,  and  wash  your  hands  of  him  altogether,  giv 
him  the  entire  cummand  of  the  famus  basin  in  the  Rocky 
Mountings,  witch  he  ses  he  diskivered,  and  send  Kit  Carson  with 
him  to  show  him  whar  it  is."  That  fotched  him — he  larfed  till 
he  kwivered  all  over  like  a  bean-pole  in  a  thunder-gust,  and  re- 
markt,  that  ef  the  Pathfinder  would  strike  a  bee  line  for  enny- 
whars  outer  sight,  he  wouldent  mind  treatin  him  to  a  coach  and 
four,  witch  he  onderstood  was  his  favrit-  travellin  eckwipedge 
and  re-instatin  old  Saygoney  as  his  a  decamp. 

Arter  an  hour  or  so's  conversashin  of  a  similder  improovin 
carrickter,  we  pairted  with  resiprical  eggspreshuns  of  atleckshin 
and  regaird.  He  will  leve  for  Washington  this  evenin  or  to- 
rnorrer,  and  we  shell  all  be  sorry  to  hev  him  go.  Honest  Old 
Abe !  he  desarves  the  name.  As  a  paytryit,  he  curns  up  to  my 
standard.  Long  "may  he  wave  ! 

As  the  strait  jacket  rools  of  the  War  Department  pi  events  me 
from  sendin  you  enny  informashin  of  importance,  I  must  refer 
you  to  the  Richmound  papers  for  all  the  pcrticklers  witch  it  is 
desirabul  should  be  kept  sekrit  from  the  rebels,  and  hopin  that 
a  time  may  cum  when  all  gag-laws  will  be  repeeled,  I  remain 
with  sincere  contempt  for  oflishal  humbugs, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB.  171 

No.    LX. 

[The  following  letter  has  some  bitter  pokes  at  the  politicians 
who  would  rather  see  the  Union  go  to  the  dogs  than  have  it 
saved  on  any  other  plan  than  their  own. — EDS.] 

HABBASSIN  BAB,  July  17, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

Seecesh,  arter  flutterin  around  for  a  fortnight  as  ef  he  calkilated 
to  make  a  dart,  hes  withdrord  to  his  old  roostin  place  in  the  ney. 
brood  of  Richmound.  Ginral  Lee  findin  it  onpossabul  to  haul 
the  grub  for  his  amens  army  throo  the  swomps,  conclooded  to 
fall  back  to  his  hog  and  homany,  and  now  I  spose,  things  will 
remain  in  wot  pollytishins  calls  a  state  of  "  masterly  inactivity" 
ontil  we  get  re-enforcements  enuff  to  risk  auuther  shindy. 
Wether  that  blessed  consummerashin  will  take  place  afore  the 
fall,  or  then,  or  when,  is  an  open  kwestin,  or  rayther  an  open 
and  shet  kwestin,  witch  I  leve  to  the  pollytickle  profits,  for  its 
altogether  beyant  me.  JVIebbe  the  Seckatry  of  War  nose  when 
sumthin  that  means  sumthin  is  likely  to  be  dun ;  but  its  my 
bleef  that  the  fog  as  sirrounds  the  hull  matter  is  thicker  in  the 
visinity  of  the  War  Offls  than  enny  whars  else  onder  the  canopy. 
The  poick  ses  "  thar  is  a  Providence  as  shapes  our  eends" ;  but 
it  peers  to  me  that  our  eend  is  shaped  by  the  agents  of  the  uther 
feller,  and  it  wout  be  long  afore  its  whittled  down  to  a  pint  ef  it 
continnees  in  setch  infarnal  bad  hands. 

The  sojers  of  this  army  isent  fools.  They  ken  dror  an  infer- 
ence as  well  as  dror  a  bead,  and  when  they  see  by  the  papers  as 
the  cussed  pollytishins  is  dishartnin  the  peeple  and  stoppin 
recrutin  with  thar  misabul  quarls,  they  feel  as  ef  a  few  rounds  of 
grape  drapt  inter  thar  ranks,  without  distinkshin  of  party,  would 
be  eenamost  ekwil  to  a  Union  victry  in  the  feeld.  The  South  is 
chucklin  over  the  disputes  of  your  torkin  traitors  in  the  North.  • 
Thars  nuthin  seecesh  likes  better'n  to  see  radicals  and  consarva- 
tives  buttin  wun  anuther  like  two  flocks  of  billy-gotes,  insted  of 
layin  thar  heels  together  and  clubbin  all  thar  energees  for  the 
porpus  of  strikin  a  decisive  bio  at  the  rebellyun.  Why  in  thun- 
der kant  the  slangwangs  on  both  sides  hold  up  till  the  fight's 
over?  Not  wun  of  the  kwestins  as  agitates  thar  pettifoggyiu 
minds  ken  be  settled  ontil  the  South's  whipt.  That's  the  bizness 
on  hand  now,  and  thars  oney  wun  way  to  finnish  it  up,  and  thats 
by  the  sledge-hammer  argyment  of  sooperiur  force.  Ef  I  hcd 
absloot  power  for  about  a  month,  Ide  dralt  evry  purfeshhial  pol- 


172  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

lytishin  inter  the  army,  and  put  em  to  work  as  team-drivers  and 
trumpet-blowers — its  about  all  tlieyre  fit  for.  The  flower  of  the 
United  States  Sennit  rnought  prehaps  be  usefully  emploid  in  the 
new  army  bakeries,  and  sum  of  the  blud-and-thunder  fellers  of 
the  House  of  Representatives  mought  be  set  to  butcherin  beef 
for  the  Army  of  the  Potomac. 

As  Eddyturs  is  noways  responsabul  for  curryspondent's  sub- 
jestins,  prehaps  youll  allow  me  to  prepose  that  Chandler,  the 
paytriotic  Midgygander,  who  hes  ben  follerin  up  the  rebel  attact 
on  Ginral  Maclellin  by  assailin  him  in  the  rare  from  a  saift  place 
in  the  Sennit  chamber,  may  be  made  chief  of  balloons  to  this 
divishin,  as  his  nateral  taste  for  gas  would  no  doubt  render  him 
a  first-rate  airynaught ;  and  he  mought  take  Freemount  with  him 
as  an  assistant  to  pull  the  valves.  .  Freemount  resined  his  cum- 
mand  in  the  presents  of  the  enemees  of  his  kentry,  and  Mister 
Chandler  went  a  leetle  furder,  by  pitchin  inter  Ginral  Maclellin, 
jest  arter  he  hed  repulst  em.  Two  setch  conjenal  sperrits  would 
be  kwite  to  hum  together  in  the  clouds,  and  ef  they  should 
never  cum  down  I  ken  oney  say  that  better  men  hev  disappeard 
senst  the  time  of  Elijah.  Ef  the  Seckatry  of  War  wants  the 
right  man  in  the  right  place,  let  him  by  all  means  puts  his  frend 
Chandler  at  the  head  of  the  gasbag  department,  and  send  him  up, 
with  the  Pathfinder,  to  take  a  birds  eye  view  of  the  Conduck  of 
the  War.  Should  the  wind  be  in  the  direckshin  of  Ilichmound, 
thar  would  be  no  harm  in  cuttin  the  balloon  cord,  so  as  to  make 
it  smooth  sailin  for  em  to  the  rebel  capital.  Its  easier  to  go  thar 
by  gas  than  enny  uther  way. 

While  the  North  is  beatin  up  recrutes  to  enabul  us  to  beat  the 
rebels,  we  air  takin  it  easy  on  the  banks  of  the  James.  Whisky 
is  perhibitecl  eggscpt  as  a  medsin  ;  but  as  the  number  of  sick  is 
large  and  the  sutlers  supply  the  well,  few  suffers  from  the  use  of 
onholsom  water.  Thars  very  good  fishin  jest  below  the  Bar, 
but  it  ken  oney  be  enjide  from  the  decks  of  the  gunboats,  as  the 
seecesh  fires  inter  all  unarmed  craft  from  a  mud  scow  to  a  hors- 
pittle  ship.  I  tride  for  sum  rock  fish  tuther  day,  bat  hed  hardly 
ankerd  and  bated  my  line  afore  a  minnie  ball  smasht  wun  of 
my  skulls,  and  a  four  pound  shot  went  throo  my  starn  and  cum 
allfrightful  neir  sinkin  me.  Sport's  sport,  and  Ime  naterally 
brave  as  well  as  fond  of  anglin,  but  if  ever  lively  paddlin  was 
dun  by  a  white  man,  it  was  in  that  emergingsee.  The  prencepul 
amewsment  of  the  men  is  poker  and  old  sledge,  tossin  coppers, 
crack  loo — a  streek  in  the  sand  sarving  for  the  crack — and 
checkers.  The  offsirs  discurridge  gamblin  as  in  dooty  bound ; 


A    DISBANDED     VOLTJNTEEB.  173 

and  setch  of  the  chaplins  as  doosent  take  a  hand  tharselves  pints 
out  the  conneckshin  atwecn  bettin  and  Belzybub ;  but  wots  tho 
use  ?  The  sojers  pockets  the  papers  and  tetches  thar  caps  outer 
respect  to  thar  offsirs  when  they  go  by,  and  two  ininits  arter- 
wards  theyre  at  it  agin  regairdless  of  thar  immortal  soles.  Its 
astonishin,  considerin  the  number  of  relidgus  pamflits  thars  ben 
distribited  to  this  army,  that  it  doosent  no  better ;  but  I  spose 
the  resin  is  that  the  ruisabul  sinners  use  the  tracks  to  fold  up 
thar  small  stores,  insted  of  layin  em  to  hart  and  feedin  on  the 
bred  of  life  they  contane.  Strange  to  say,  howsever,  skores  and 
hunderds  of  em  lies  BiWes,  and  I  wouldent  be  sprised  ef  they 
found  thar  way  to  Hevin,  poor  blunderin  critters,  ennamost  as 
well  as  ef  they  was  allus  turnin  up  the  whites  of  thar  eyes  and 
groanin  onder  the  effecks  of  a  secktarian  colic. 

I  onderstand  thars  a  report  goin  the  rounds  at  Washington 
that  the  rebels  tuck  cannon  enutt'  from  this  army  to  plate  Fort 
Darlin  eighteen  inches  thick,  and  that  the  Treadagur  iron  works 
is  meltin  em  down  for  that  porpuss.  The  same  relieabul  and 
conshyenshus  parties  as  stated  as  the  White  House  would  make 
a  fust  rate  horspittle  for  five  hunderd  payshents,  is  sposed  to  be 
at  the  bottom  of  this"  ironwar  story.  Thars  enny  kwantity 
of  talent  for  eggsitin  fickshin  atwixt  the  Capitol  Hill  and 
Georgetown  Hights,  and  nowhars  doos  it  seem  to  flurrish  so 
lucksewerusly  as  in  the  plesent  shadder  of  the  War  Department. 
The  Seckatry  of  War  hisself  is  remarkabul  for  his  poetick  biass, 
so  much  so  in  fack  that  the  tellegraft  onder  his  control  hes  ben 
ekwil  to  a  lyre  with  a  thousand  strings. 

Hopin  as  the  printers  will  make  no  mistake  about  the  spellin 
of  the  last  wurd  but  four  in  the  preseedin  sentens,  I  remain, 
awaitin  the  march  of  events,  but  not  expectin  em  to  rnoove 
afore  the  Fall, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.   LSI. 

[As  we  feared  from  the  intermission  of  his  communications, 
our  correspondent  has  been  sick  of  the  fever,  and  although  con- 
valescent, is  still  suffering  from  languor  and  debility.  He  gives 
an  amusing  account  of  a  phantasy  that  possessed  him  during  his 


174  WAB    LETTERS     OF 

delirium.    The  ravings  of  tie  fever-stricken  brain  are  curious 
psychological  phenomena. — EDS.] 

HAKKASSIN  LANDIN,  August  7, 1802. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

Wen  conjestive  fever  gits  hold  of  a  feller  its  no  joke.  It  nox 
you  down  and  sets  onto  you  like  an  inkahus,  forbiddin  the  use  of 
the  pen.  I  speak  by  the  kearcl,  for  senst  my  last  Ive  hed  a  life- 
or-deth-rastle  with  this  bog-bear  of  the  South,  and  cum  all-blazin 
near  gettin  the  coo  de  grass.  Hed  I  ben  tuck  with  it  in  the  Paw- 
monkey  S.wornp,  no  dout  I  should  hev  got  my  everlastin  furlow, 
but  this  high  ground  is  more  faverabul  to  valleytoodinarians, 
and  tho  mutch  broken,  I  arn  gradjelly  mendin.  At  wun 
time  my  mind  wanderd  to  that  degree  that  the  doctors  consid- 
ered me  a  goner,  but  thars  a  Providence  as  shapes  our  eends, 
and  mine  wain't  shaped,  it  seems.  Consekently,  here  I  am  settin 
up  on  my  cot  in  the  sick  shanty,  with  a  swimmin  in  my  hed  and 
an  orful  sinkin  at  my  stummick,  tryin  to  get  surnthin  lively 
throo  my  har  for  the  collumes  of  the  Merkary.  You  musn't  an- 
dizzypate  ennything,  very  brilyant,  howsever,  for  I  feel  as  ef  my 
upperwurks  was  whizzin,  and  jerkin,  and  snappin,  like  a  Yan- 
kee clock  outer  gearin. 

Its  extrornary  wot  strange  things  the  most  sensabul  man  may 
say  wen  laborin  onder  the  helloocynashins  of  delirum.  Ef  the 
fattest  offis  in  the  gift  of  the  guverment  was  offerd  by  adver- 
tisement to  the  purest  paytryits,  I  don't  bleve  a  truer  friend  of 
the  Union  than  I  be  could  be  skared  up  atwixt  the  fedral  city  and 
Funnel  Haul ;  and  yet  1  larn  that  when  the  fever  was  on  me  I 
acktilly  blastfeemed  the  administrashin  and  even  spoke  in  dis- 
porriclgement  of  that  Playdum  of  our  Libties,  the  mighty  wur- 
rier  and  statesman  of  Illanoy.  Ef  it  hedent  a  ben  that  the  cum- 
raid  as  nust  me  tuck  down  my  raven  words  in  black  and  white, 
to  reed  to  me  wen  I  got  well,  I  wouldn't  hev  sposed  it  possabul 
that  setch  langwedge  could  hev  passed  the  lyal  lips  of  your 
curryspondent.  But  when  a  man's  not  in  a  sanitory  state  of 
mind  in  coarse  he  isent  responsabul  for  his  railin  wurds,  and  no- 
boddy  don't  oughter  take  a  fence  at  him. 

It  peers  I  thort  I  hed  the  President  and  sum  of  his  constitoo- 
shinal  advisers  caged  in  a  carryvan  and  was  totin  em  throo  the 
North,  for  a  sho.  My  nuss  ses  I  addrest  the  irnadginary  awjin- 
ces  as  follers : 

This  feller  citysins  (pintin  inter  vacancy)  is  Abraham  Lincoln, 
President  of  the  United  States,  called  for  shortness,  and  bekase, 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  175 

he  was  never  adclickted  to  petty  larceny,  Honest  Abe.  He's  an 
astonishiu  man  at  axin  chesnut  trees  and  caunondrunis,  and  ken 
split  rails  or  sides  with  equil  cumplaysensy.  Mr.  Lincoln,  niy 
poplar  IVend,  be  kind  enuff  to  favor  this  enlightened  awjencc 
with  a  button.-buster.  He  wishes  to  no,  ladies  and  gentlemen, 
why  his  boot  is  like  an  ainshent  Greek  republick?  I  dessay 
you  11  never  guess,  for  it  lucks  considabul  more  like  the  king- 
dom of  Italy,  a  few  sizes  less  than  life.  He  eggsplains.  His 
boot  is  like  an  ainshent  Greek  republick  bekase  it  has  a  Sole  on. 
Prehaps  the  answer  is  obskewer.  Agen  he  will  eggsplain  : 
Solon  was  a  wise  man  of  antickity,  but  at  the  present  day  Solan 
geese  may  be  found  in  Greenland.  You  see  his  nollidge  is  uni- 
varsal.  Ef  time  permitted,  he  would  be  reminded  of  a  story, 
but  unfortnitly  he  hes  to  be  returnt  to  the  seat  of  guvennent  be- 
ibre  the  cominensmeut  of  the  Fall  camppain.  Observe,  his  eye 
twinkles — he  hes  an  idee.  Wot  is  it,  your  eggsellency  ?  He 
wishes  me  to  state  to  this  intelleckshal  assemblidge  witch  I  con- 
sidder  the  most  wunderful  of  all  his  stories.  It's  onpossible — 
thars  selch  an  innoomerable  number  on  em,  and  theyre  all  so 
mutch  alike.  Wunst  more  he  eggsplains:  The  most  wunderful 
of  all  his  stories,  is  his  upper  story.  Thars  no  repressin  his  hu- 
mor, you  perceeve ;  it  spurts  outer  him  like  patroleum  from  the 
mouth  of  a  Pennsylvania  ile  well.  His  waggish  tales  would 
make  a  dorg  larf,  and  its  a  pity  thars  not  time  to  git  em  off. 
Mebbe  you  would  like  to  larn  why  this  cherful  citysin  was 
eleckted  to  the  Eggseggative  Cheer.  For  variety,  ladies  and 
gentlemen,  for  variety.  All  our  prevus  cheef  madgistrets  hed 
ben  grave  and  dignified,  and  we  wanted  a  rib-tickler  I  spose. 
We've  got  wun,  ennyhow.  Like  the  man  in  the  drayma,  he 
peers  to  think  as  all  the  world's  a  stage,  and  he  wants  to  star  it 
as  a  low  commedian.  He  proposes  to  save  the  Union  on  jocular 
prenceples  ;  but  I'me  afeerd  the  larf  wont  cum  in  at  present  In 
the  meantime,  howsoever,  it  is  a  consolashin  to  know  that  wot- 
ever  disasters  may  overtake  the  nashin,  the  White  House  will 
allus  be  a>  merry  as  a  circus.  The  President  nods  and  winks  in 
the  affirmative,  and  would  offer  a  closin  remark.  He  says  that 
care  killed  a  cat,  but  never  averted  a  catastrophy  ;  and  that  even 
the  solein  old  Roman  Emprors,  wen  they  went  to  the  sennit, 
had  a  set  of  fellers  called  lickters,  that  carrid  thar  farces  before 
em.  You  ken  set  down  now,  Mr.  President,  wile  I  stir  up  the 
Seckatry  of  War. 

This,  ladies  and  gentlemen  (settin  up  the  cot  bolster)  is  the 
head  of  the  War  Department.    Wot  he  doosent  no  about  uiileu- 


176  WAK     LETTERS     OF 

N 

tary  strategy  and  setch,  all  tlie  ginrals  in  the  wurld  kant  teetch 
him.  He  is  an  inch  taller  than  the  fust  Napollyun,  and  consida- 
bully  heavyer.  You  air  awar  wot  the  results  of  the  conflick  lies 
ben  so  far.  Well  we  owe  evrything — incloodin  the  masterly 
back  down  in  the  Shunadoor  Valley — to  this  extrornary  critter. 
Hip !  hip !  hip !  hurrah !  Why  in  thunder  don't  you  cheer  ? 
Youve  heern,  prehaps,  that  him  and  Ginral  Maclcllin  doosent  set 
up  thar  horses  together.  But  I  hev  it  from  the  Playdum  of  our 
Libties,  in  the  nex  cage,  that  Ginral  Maclellin  lucks  upon  the 
Honabul  Seckatry  with  much  affeckshin,  and  viccy  versey.  Take 
him  altogether,  the  Seckatry  of  War  is  the  biggest  thing  out  in 
the  milentary  line,  and  ennybody  that  kwestins  his  capassity  for 
war  and  conkest  will  be  immediently  supprest  as  a  dumestic 
traitor. 

Setch  was  the  style  in  witch  I  raved,  as  I  onderstand,  for 
more'n  twenty-four  hours,  wile  the  loonatic  fit  was  onto  me. 
Chase,  Welles,  and  Seward  cum  in  for  considabul  abuse  ;  but  it 
seems  I  pitcht  hardest  inter  Honest  Old  Abe  and  Seckatry  Stan- 
ton,  two  men  as  I  equelly  luv  and  esteem  wen  in  the  perseshin 
of  my  senses.  But  ef  a  fellers  outer  his  hed,  just  wot  he  don't 
want  to  say,  and  dont  oughter  say,  is  wot  he  invariably  doos 
say. 

Thars  a  counsel  of  war  among  the  leadin  offsirs  to-day,  and 
the  rummer  is  that  a  push  is  to  be  made  at  wunst  for  Richmound  ; 
but,  on  the  uther  hand,  dont  be  sprised  ef  you  heer  of  a  rebel 
push  for  Washington  in  less'n  ten  days  from  now.  Thars  going 
to  be  anuther  allmity  big  skrimmidge  afore  the  new  recrutes  is 
reddy.  Tryin  to  hope  that  we  shall  give  em  goss,  I  remain, 
weak  but  wurmy, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LXII. 

[The  strategic  riddle  which  has  for  some  time  been  puzzling 
the  brains  of  a  mystified  public  seems  to  be  solved  by  the  sub- 
joined letter. — EDS.] 

HARRASSIN  LANDIN,  August  14, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sanday  Merkary  : 

The  army  of  the  Peninsular  hes  rekivered  from  the  hard  bat- 
ting it  reseved  in  changin  its  base,  and  is  impayshint  to  hev  the 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  177 

• 

ball  agin  set  in  moshin.  For  sum  time  past  it  hes  ben  devotin 
its  energees  to  ketcliin  flees  and  ticks,  smudgin  galley  nippers, 
and  subjugatin  sartin  lice-senshus  insecks  as  prays  upon  the 
human  cuetickle.  While  the  troops  hes  ben  engaged  in  this 
silent  but  bluddy  struggel  with  enemees  at  wunst  penetratin 
and  circumspecked,  Porter's  Mortar  Flowtiller  hes  ben  lyin  at 
Haniton  Roads  in  a  state  of  masterly  inactivity.  Doorin  the 
same  intrim,  the  gunboat  squadrun  hes  ben  mored  in  James 
River,  dooin  nuthin  jest  as  eesy  as  rollin  off  a  log. 

But  thars  gwine  to  be  a  moovement  at  last,  and  prehaps  you'll 
hear  on  it  by  tellagraft  afore  this  reeches  you.  In  course  it  will 
be  conduckted  with  the  ushil  address,  but  the  direckshin  is  kept 
a  perfound  secrit  for  the  present.  With  the  eggsepshin  of  the 
Guverrnent,  our  ginrals,  and  the  rebels,  few  hes  enny  idee  of 
the  supprise  that  awaits  the  enemee.  I  hope  I  vilate  no  confi- 
dense  in  sayin  that  we  air  not  to  advance  and  captivate  Rich- 
mound — kwite  the  contrairy.  The  fack  is  that  the  sickly  seesin  is 
cumming  on,  and  the  army  is  gwine  to  make  a  grand  strutegic 
slantendicaler  slide  for  the  bennyfit  of  its  helth.  Hundercls  of 
our  best  bosses  is  dyin  of  intestinal  disorders,  and  the  overfed 
buzzards  bein  too  fat  and  lazy  to  keer  about  hoss  flesh,  the 
arorner  of  discomposin  canyon  is  onhelthily  loud.  The  doctors 
ses  if  the  army  stays  here  the  men  will  foller  the  bosses.  Con- 
sekently  we  air  about  to  start  in  pershoot  of  that  helth  and  hap- 
piness which  the  Declarashin  of  Independents  grantease  to  evry 
citysin.  The  American  Constitooshin  is  naterally  rayther  weak, 
and  it  would  be  madness  to  risk  the  lives  of  the  champions  of 
the  Union  in  a  struggle  with  the  Suthern  pestilence.  Takin  all 
these  things  inter  considerashin,  the  Peninslu  is  to  be  evackiated 
afore  diaree  sets  in. 

I  dunno  as  I  oughter  rit  that  last  sentens,  but  the  cat's  shoor  to 
be  outer  the  bag  by  the  time  this  letter  gits  inter  your  hands.  The 
kwestin  is,  howsever,  not  whar  we  air  gwine  from,  but  whar  we 
air  gwine  too-  All  I  ken  ventur  to  say  on  the  subjeck  is  that 
we  eggspeck  to  effeck  a  junkshin  with  sumboddy  sumwhars,  for 
sum  purpos,  if  we  don't  in  the  meantime  run  agin  a  snag. 

So  eends  our  gloryus  six-munts  camppain  in  these  diggins. 
The  grand  army  of  the  Potomac,  that  was  to  take  "  no  step 
backards  ",  arter  being  licked  hafe  a  duzzen  times  on  this  insig- 
nificant tung  of  land,  is  now  necessiated,  in  spite  of  its  teeth,  to 
make  a  rutdegrade  moovement.  Whars  that  sevagrus  reptyle, 
the  grate  milentary  bore  constructor,  that  everyboddy  was  makin 
setch  a  coil  about  in  April  and  May  ?  It  hes  ben  weighed  in  the 
8* 


178  -WAH     LETTERS     OF 

skales  and  found  wantin.  It  hes  ben  compleatly  headed  off  and 
its  tail  is  tolled.  Braver  men  and  better  sojers  than  the  host  as 
started  on  the  root  to  Richniound  last  March  never  drord  a  bead 
or  fixed  a  bagnet.  But  how  hev  they  ben  engineerd  ?  Shuv- 
vels  and  wheelburrows  hes  ben  the  order  of  the  day.  They  hev 
ben  diggin  inter  the  ground  like  moles  and  woodchucks,  when 
they  oughter  ben  diggen  inter  the  rebels.  Sixty  thousand  on  em 
is  onder  the  sod,  in  seecesh  prisons,  and  in  horspittles,  and  the 
remainder  is  about  to  make  a  scientific  skedaddle  to  parts  unbe- 
known. I  wunst  read  a  buck  they  called  the  "  Histry  of  the 
Croosades  ",  whar  it  was  stated  that  the  fust  army  that  started  for 
Jerooslurn  superstishusly  follered  the  movements  of  Goose.  As 
mought  hev  ben  eggspected  they  all  perisht  of  starvashin  in  the 
swomps  of  Hungry.  Thars  a  morial  in  the  story  witch  I  reeky- 
mend  to  the  solem  considerashin  of  the  Solomons  at  Wash- 
ington. 

Ime  glad,  howsever.  that  we  air  likely  to  quit  these  moreasses. 
Enny  moove  from  our  present  icelated  persishin  to  a  cooler, 
helthier  rejin,  cant  be  in  the  rong  direckshin.  In  a  raunt,  I 
spose,  we  shall  hev  three  hunderd  thousand  new  recrut,  ;n  the 
feeld,  and  with  such  an  addishenal  force,  onless  its  ma. :  •'  3red 
by  a  seckind  edishin  of  the  giant  Blunderbore,  we  ken  sai  ily 
giv  Ginral  Lee  and  his  assoshiates  thar  quietus. 

Thars  wun  thing  in  the  conduck  of  this  war  witch  must  per- 
voke  the  admirashin  of  the  hull  civilized  wurld,  and  that  is  the 
screwpullus  perliteness  and  distingwished  considerashin  with 
witch  we  treat  the  bullyin  blaggards  in  command  of  the  seecesh 
armies.  Ginral  Lee  writes  to  Ginral  Hallcck  that  he  lucks  upon 
sum  of  our  Major  Ginrals  and  Bragadears  as  robbers,  cutthroats, 
murderers  and  pirits,  and  menshins  the  names  of  a  few  that  he 
means  to  hang  when  he  ketches  them.  To  this  Ginral  Halleck 
replies  that  as  setch  laugwidge  is  insultin  to  the  guverment  of 
the  United  States,  he  respeckfutty  declines  to  receive  it.  The 
idee  of  respectfully  declinin  the  insults  of  a  blusterin  traitor 
peers  to  me  to  be  the  height  of  human  curtsey,  and  desarves  to 
be  recorded  in  Histry  as  a  tip-top  specement  of  perlite  litteratoor 
in  the  Nineteen!  Sentry.  But  Ginral  Maclellin  is  ekwilly  con- 
siderit,  ef  not  more  so.  While  the  rebels  amuse  tharselves  with 
setch  practickle  jokes  as  cuttinthe  throtes  of  unarmed  Unionists, 
and  hangin  em  heels  uppards,  with  thar  entrals  in  thar  mouths 
(I  sor  with  iny  own  eyes  the  boddies  of  two  lyal  citysins  as  hed 
been  sarved  in  this  way,  near  the  White  House),  Ginral  Mac- 
lellin tells  his  army  that  as  this  is  "  not  a  war  of  subjugashiu  "  it 


A    DISBANDED    VOLUNTEER.  179 

must  be  conduckted  "iipon  the  highest  prenceples  known  to 
Christian  civilizashin."  Not  a  war  of  subjugashin !  What  in 
the  name  of  chain-lightnin  is  it  then  ?  To  subjugate,  my  old 
dickshinary  ses,  is  "to  compel  to  submit".  Dont  we  want  to 
compel  the  South  to  submit  ?  Ef  not,  spose  we  throw  down  our 
arms  and  ax  thar  pardon  for  heving  pitcht  inter  em  contrary 
"to  the  highest  prenceples  of  Christian  civilizashin". 

Beleven  that  when  a  nashin  drors  the  swoord,  it  should  never 
dror  it  mild,  and  that  the  old  Testyment  noshin  of  an  eye  for  an 
eye  and  a  tooth  for  a  tooth  is  the  troo  wun  for  a  war  like  ours,  I 
remain,  with  extreem  ferosity, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOI/UNTEEB. 


No.    LXHI. 

[The  rebels  are  in  great  force  on  the  line  of  the  Virginia 
Central  Railroad,  and  also  on  the  south  bank  of  the  Rapidan, 
threatening  General  Pope's  army  and  Fredericksburg.  We 
hope  Pope,  Burnside,  and  McClellan  are  near  enough  to  each 
other  to  form  a  speedy  junction.  Probably  the  first  blow  will 
fall  on  Pope.— EDS.] 

YORKTOWN,  August  20, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

The  grand  advance  to  the  rare  witch  I  hinted  at  in  my  last  epistol 
is  accomplisht.  We  hev  eskaped  triuinfantly,  without  a  scratch. 
When  it  is  rememberd  that  it  tuck  the  Army  of  the  Potomack 
sixteen  munts  to  make  its  way  up  the  Peninslur,  and  oney 
forty  -eight  hours  to  return,  the  human  mind  relizes  with  amaze- 
ment the  rapid  strides  that  hes  ben  made  in  milentary  sience 
senst  the  commensment  of  this  majestickle  struggle.  It  is 
onnessary  to  giv  the  particklars  of  our  sole-refreshin  trip  from 
Harrassin  Landin  to  Yorktown.  We  left  the  plesent  waterin- 
place  whar  we  hed  ben  so  long  reposin  on  our  lorilS  about  day- 
brake  on  Friday,  the  fifteent  instant,  and  arrove  here  on  Sunday 
arternoon,  singin. sains  of  victry.  The  rebels,  bein  engaged  in 
uther  persoots,  suffcrd  us  to  vamose  without  firin  a  shot.  Opin- 
yins  differs,  howsever,  as  to  the  resin  we  warnt  mislested  on  the 
march.  Sum  thinks  that  as  the  mane  objeck  of  the  Seecesb  hes 


180  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

all  along  ben  to  get  us  off  tlie  Peninslur,  they  porpusly  left  the 
coste  clar  for  the  performence  of  this  brillyant  peace  of  warlike 
strategy.  That  porshin  of  the  army  as  went  in  transports  to 
Fortress  Munro  happily  arrove  saift,  with  the  artillry,  stores, 
and  celry,  so  that  nuthinto  speak  of  hes  fallen  inter  the  hands 
of  the  discumforted  fo,  ban-in  the  territory,  witch  we  hev  ocky- 
pied  doorin  the  summer  as  a  milentary  cematery. 

So  mutch  for  the  late  brillyant  manover.  Of  the  moovments 
now  in  contemplashin  I  must  speak  cawshusly.  Consentrashin 
is  the  idee  for  the  ensooin  camppain.  Maclellin,  Burnside,  and 
Pope  is  edgin  up  to  wun  anuther,  and  by  the  time  this  rceches 
you  they  oughter  all  be  within  sportin  distans.  And  not  a  bit 
too  sun  nuther,  for,  as  I  told  you  three  weeks  ago,  the  rebels  is 
goin  to  make  a  desput  push  for  "Washington.  Thar  hull  army 
in  the  Southwest,  it  is  sed,  hes  ben  orderd  to  jine  Ginral  Lee, 
and  all  thar  troops  in  frunt  of  Richmound  is  now  inoovin  tords 
the  Deestrick  ef  Coluniby.  Thar'll  be  a  bluddy  fite  within  ten 
days  from  this  date,  and  I  trust  and  bleve  a  Union  victry.  By 
that  time  we  oughter  hev  350,000  troops  in  Virginny,  and  onless 
they  air  mismanaged  most  orfully,  Seecesh  will  hev  to  holler 
and  run. 

Oney  let  our  milentary  leaders  abandun  strategy  and  pitch 
right  in,  and  we  ken  smash  em.  All  Ime  afeard  on  is,  compli- 
cated plans  and  intrickit  skeems.  The  skientific  dodge  game  is 
playd  out.  Shot  and  shell,  bullet  and  bagnet,  fire  and  swoord, 
is  to  settle  this  bizness.  It  ken  be  finisht  up  no  uther  way.  AVe 
must  fite  the  rebels  day  in  and  day  out.  It  wont  do  to  giv  em  a 
back  fall,  and  then  wait  for  em  to  rekiver  thar  wind  for  anuther 
rastle.  Wen  we've  got  em  down  we  must  stomp  onto  em,  and 
never  kwit  jumpin  on  thar  carcusses  ontil  they  cease  to  sho 
enny  sines  of  life. 

In  coarse  this  stile  of  warfare  will  seem  dredful  crewel  to  sum. 
[  hey  a  broad-brimmed  unkel  belongin  to  the  Sosity  of  Frends 
as  would  call  it  barbarus.  Wai,  war  is  barbarus.  The  prence- 
pal  is  to  "  kill,  kill,  kill,"  as  the  mad  king  ses  in  the  drayrna. 

Purty  sun  we  shell  outnumber  the  rebels  two  to  wun.  In  bone 
and  mussel  the  Nuthern  troops  is  sooperior  to  the  Suthern,  and  in 
pluck  fully  thar  ekwils.  Evry thing  depends  on  the  way  our 
men  is  handeld. 

The  Stars  and  Stripes  will  wave  over  Jeff  Davis's  head-kwar- 
ters  in  Eichmound  afore  the  middle  of  October,  ef  our  ginrals 
will  oney  fite  insted  of  fendin  off. 
Knowiu  that  onless  they  ken  gain  a  frig  victry  afore  our  new 


A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER.          181 

army  gits  inter  the  feeld,  they  air  gon,  bob  and  sinker,  Lee  and 
his  assoshits  will  make  a  tremenjus  rush  for  the  fedral  capital 
with  all  the  forces  they  ken  muster,  right  away.  Ef  they  ketch 
Pope,  Burnside,  or  Macllellin  onsupported,  its  not  onlikely  that 
the  divishin  cort  nappin  will  git  an  ongodly  beltin  ;  but  ef  the 
three  divishins  closes  up  and  givs  battle  to  the  Cornfedrits, 
they'll  be  whipt  jest  as  sartain  as  Floyd's  a  tlieefandMagruder's 
a  drunkard.  The  simperthisers  in  "Washington  allow  that  thar'll 
be  four  hunderd  thousand  Seecesh  onder  arms  in  the  Old 
Dominion  afore  the  fust  of  September.  Gas  and  gammon !  All 
thar  troops  in  the  feeld  from  wun  eggstremity  of  Seeceshy  to 
the  uther,  incloodin  gorillas,  doosent  amount  to  more'n  that 
number,  and  they  hevent  175,000  sojers  in  the  State  of  Virginny 
to-day. 

No  reliance  whatsumdever  is  to  be  placed  on  the  stories  of 
noosepaper  curryspondents  about  the  rebel  force  in  these  rejins. 
It  was  stated  at  fust  by  sum  of  these  gesswurk  humbugs  that 
Stunwall  Jackson  hed  sixty  thousand  men  when  he  attacted 
Ginral  Pope's  advance;  then  they  put  the  number  down  to 
thirty  thousand,  and,  finerly,  to  fifteen  thousand.  The  truth  is, 
he  hed  barly  six  thousand ! 

Its  my  firm  bleef  that  thars  as  menny  Union  as  thars  rebel 
troops  in  Virginny,  and  that  all  our  ginrals  hev  to  do  is  to  mass 
thar  divishins  together,  and  sail  in  to  sartain  victry. 

As  to  rebel  re-enforcements  from  the  Southwest,  who  keers 
for  that  Doosent  our  new  recruits  pore  in  from  the  North 
faster  n  they  ken  send  troops  from  Chatternogo  ?  Let  em 
bring  thar  hull  Southwestern  army  on  here  ef  they  dar.  Buell 
and  Curtis  ken  then  ockapy  all  thar  posishins  in  that  kwarter, 
while  we  punish  em  here. 

But  all  depends,  as  I  sed  afore,  upon  our  ginrals.  Ef  they 
don't  sho  tharselves  in  airnest — ef  they  play  the  old  shilly-shally 
shuvvel  and  wheelburrow  game — ef  they  don't  make  it  war  to 
the  knife,  and  the  knife  to  the  hilt — tell  evry  rebel  now  in  arms 
is  ether  slorterd,  or  captivated,  or  flyin  for  life — then  the  game's 
up  on  our  side. 

Hopin,  blevin,  prayin,  and  eggspectin,  that  we  shell  lick  rebel- 
lyon,  and  that  rebellyun  will  lick  the  dust,  I  remane,  swoord  in 
hand  aud  pistil  cockt  for  mortal  cumbat, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  YOLTJNTEEB, 


133  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

No.  LXIV. 

[Our  Protean  friend,  wh*se  humor  is  as  variable  as  the  tints  of 
the  .chameleon,  is  this  week  sly  and  dry.  Read,  mark,  and 
inwardly  digest  his  observations  on  the  Government  order  for 
the  expulsion  of  newspaper-correspondents  from  the  Union 
armies.  It  was  according  to  the  "  fitness  of  things  "  that  such  an 
order  should  be  promulgated  simultaneously  with  the  news  that 
all  our  plans  for  the  coming  campaign,  together  with  dispatches 
of  the  highest  importance,  had  fallen — through  the  grossest  care- 
lessness— into  the  hands  of  the  public  enemy. — EDS.] 

ACQUIA  CRICK,  August  20,  1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  MerJcary  : 

In  imitashin  of  the  llushin  Milentary  Desputism  doorin  the 
Crymean  War,  the  Guverment  at  Washington  lies  issood  an 
order  directin  all  noosepaper  curryspondents  to  be  druv  outer 
our  armees  in  Virginia,  vi  et  am  us,  as  the  skollards  say.  In  our 
case  the  order  is  not  called  a  Ukase  as  it  was  in  Rushy,  but  in 
all  sensual  perticklers  the  two  cases  is  facie  semeles.  I  hev  not 
seen  a  coppy  of  the  dockyrnent,  but  the  currier  who  brort  it  ses 
the  langwidge  is  perrumptory,  and  rekwires  the  offsirs  to  boot 
us  out  of  the  lines  to  the  enliven  toon  of  the  Roag  s  March,  and 
to  hang  us  as  spies  if  we  attemp  to  return. 

He  states,  also,  that  to  prevent  the  possability  of  enny  more 
tales  bein  told  outer  skull,  all  the  ink,  pens,  and  paper  belongin 
to  privit  sojers  and  ofl'sirs  below  the  rank  of  bragadears,  is  to  be 
placed  oncler  the  keer  of  a  speshil  gard,  Composed  of  men  who 
ken  nuther  reed  nor  rite,  and  that  the  hull  army  is  to  sho  thar 
hands  twyst  a  clay,  at  "  revelee  "  and  "  taps  ",  and  ef  enny  sojer 
is  deteckted  with  an  ink  spot  on  his  fingers  he  is  to  be  inline  - 
diently  wiped  out,  and  his  property,  if  he  happens  to  hev  enny, 
confisticated  for  the  use  of  the  Guverment  tellagraft  operators, 
whoos  hafe-cockt  reports  is  hensforrard  to  be  receved  as  vorashus 
by  all  sivillians,  onder  penalty  of  bein  sent  to  the  neardest  fort 
tell  the  wars  over. 

I  hev  hed  an  intervew  with  Ginral  Maclollin  senst  the  rival  of 
the  currier,  and  he  lies  takin  the  responsbility  of  allowin  me  to 
pen  this  epistol,  and  I  shell  this  arternoon  address  anuther  to  my 
magnannymous  trend  the  President,  who  I  feel  sartain  will  make 
an  eggsepshin  in  my  faver  for  old  ackwaintance  sake,  and  bekase 
I  hev  allus  rendered  that  triboot  to  his  genus  for  dublin  tenders, 


A    DISBANDED     VOLXJKTEEB.  183 

callembores,  and  uther  button-busters,  witch  they  so  richly 
desarved.  I  think,  tharfore  (to  use  the  wurds  of  the  late  C.  C. 
Cambrelling),  that  I  shall  be  abel  to  continny  this  curryspondence 
"  in  spite  of  lamentashins  here  and  allswear". 

But  it  will  go  rayther  hard  with  less  faverd  paper-stainers, 
who  hev  vilatcd  thar  payroll  of  honor  not  to  contradick  the 
tellagraffic  ackounts  of  Union  victries,  and  who  hevent  hed 
enuff  common  sense  and  sense  of  the  ridickalus  to  crack  up  the 
side-splittin  joaks  emanatin  from  the  head  of  the  republick.  I 
larn  with  regret — but  without  suprise — that  the  curryspondents 
of  the  New  York  Herald,  Triboon,  Times,  Eggapress,  Post,  Coin- 
mershil,  and  Wilkes's  Sperrit  of  the  Times,  is  to  be  drummed 
outer  camp  doorin  arternoon  parade  to-morrow.  Each  of  these 
littery  delinkwents  is  to  ware  a  foolscap  made  of  the  jernil  he 
represents,  and  it  is  speshily  ordered,  I  onderstand,  that  the  head- 
dress of  the  curryspondent  of  Wilkes's  Sperrit  is  to  consist  of  the 
coppy  of  the  sourcaustic  paper  witch  contains  a  byagruffical 
sketch  of  Ginral  Maclellin,  by  the  leaden  eddytur.  The  hull 
spectickle  will  be  solem  and  imposin,  but  I  don't  think  it  will 
hev  the  effeck  of  preventin  "  letters  from  the  seat  of  war  "  from 
appearin  in  the  noosepapers,  bekase  curryspondence  kwite  aa 
graiflc  and  interestin  and  ackarit  as  enny  that  hes  yet  appeared, 
ken  be  got  up  in  the  back  offlses  of  the  jernils  referd  to,  at  the 
small  expense'of  say  ten  dollars  a  week  apeace,  and  I  think  the 
Eggspress — witch  hes  a  reraarkabul  turn  for  ekonimy — ken  do  it 
for  five.  Takin  all  things  inter  considerashin  I  think  the  inflow 
enshil  organs  of  public  opinyun  in  the  Empire  City  will  save 
considabul  by  hevin  all  thar  war  letters  rit  to  hum.  "  Relieabul 
gentrnen"  ken  be  hed  at  most  enny  price  in  New  York,  and  hum 
made  intelligence  from  our  armies  in  the  field  will  hev  the 
dubble  advantidge  of  bein  ekwilly  cheap  and  orthentic.  That 
it  will  be  as  trustwurthy  as  the  guverment  tellagrams,  noboddy 
as  nose  enuything  about  the  morril  depravity  of  artifishal  light- 
nin,  will  for  a  moment  dout. 

The  vidgelance  of  the  War  Department  in  suddenly  shetting 
down  on  the  curryspondens  of  the  lyall  noosepapers  in  the  North 
is  most  pertickerly  to  be  commended  at  this  time,  when  a  slyte 
oversight  on  the  part  of  sumbuddy,  but  for  witch  noboddy  is  to 
blame,  hes  throne  all  the  milentary  plans  of  the  guverment  inter 
the  hands  of  the  rebels.  The  privit  despatches,  et  cetery,  et 
cetery,  of  Ginrals  Pope  and  Macdoill,  sezed  tuther  clay  by  the 
Seecesh  Kernil  Stewart  at  Catlet's  Stashin,  is  sposed  to  hev  con- 
taned  more  strutegy  and  setch,  then  was  ever  afore  tied  together 


184  \YAB    LETTERS     OF 

with  red  tape  senst  the  wurld  began.  The  Annie  Condy  plan 
warnt  nuthin  to  it,  line  told.  And  now  that  contemtabul  corn- 
fedrit  conspurrator,  Jeff  Davis,  is  reedin  over  the  manyskrips, 
and  studyin  the  combinashins  as  was  to  hev  eggstingwished  him 
and  hisn,  at  his  leeshur.  Hed  them  captered  plans  oney  ben 
carrid  out,  insted  of  bein  tuck  from  us  in  an  ongarded  moment, 
by  a  passel  of  scooting  troopers,  Avho  hedent  even  the  perlite- 
ness  to  say  by  your  leve,  the  fate  of  the  rebellyun  would  hev 
ben  sealed.  Now  its  onsealed,  and  thars  no  tellin  when  it  will 
be  brort  to  a  close. 

Ginral  Maclellin  arrove  at  these  head-kwarters  on  Sunday 
mornin,  and  arterwards  Ginral  Burnside  cum  in  from  the  Rap- 
perhammock  to  tork  over  matters  with  the  galliant  chief.  It  is 
rummerd  that  Ginral  Pope  and  Ginral  Maclellin  doosent  hitcli 
bosses  together,  both  claimin  the  cheef  cummand.  The  report 
is  that  Ginral  Halleck  hes  ben  appeald  to,  and  will  settle  the 
difflkulty  by  becummin  cock-of-the-walk  hisself.  Stanton  seems 
to  hev  sobsided  senst  Halleck  tuck  the  rains  of  pour,  as  Ginral- 
issirno.  The  result  of  the  Shunadoor  Valley  splurge  setteld  his 
rnilentary  stummack  sum,  and  he  seems  to  hev  rapt  hisself  up  in 
the  solitood  of  his  own  oridginality,  and  sot  down  to  solid 
thinkin.  I  hop  sumthin  '11  cum  of  it.  Holesum  refleckshun 
dizzyplins  the  mind  and  tends  to  perdooce  resignashin. 

Fresh  troops  from  the  North,  rayther  raw,  but  as  plucky  as 
game  chickens,  is  arriving  continally,  and  purty  sun  we  shell 
hev  four  hundred  thousand  men  on  the  line  of  the  Potomac,  the 
Rapid  Ann,  and  the  Rapperhammock.  Pope  is  in  advance, 
with  Burnside  and  his  Peninslur  boys  lyen  behind  him,  and 
on  his  right,  and  the  fo  is  on  the  uther  side  of  the  Rapperham- 
mock waitin  for  the  river  to  fall  to  go  in.  Ef  it  hedent  a  ben  for 
the  risen  of  the  waters,  a  bluddy  encounter  would  hev  cum  olf 
last  week,  and  its  oney  postponied  tell  the  bilen  torrent  simmers 
down  and  parshilly  dries  up.  In  the  meantime  thars  plenty  of 
gkrimmidging  in  frunt,  and  Pope  hes  tuck,  altogether,  about,  a 
thousand  prisners,  and  mought  be  considerd  as  dooin  remark- 
ably well  ef  he  hedent  lost  his  plans  and  despatches. 

Thars  a  report  in  our  lines  to-night  that  the  Seecesh  Ginral 
Ewell  has  been  wiped  out  by  Captin  Lacy  in  a  fight  at  Bar- 
nett's  Ford,  about  twenty  miles  from  Fredericksburg.  I  send 
you  the  story  for  wot  its  worth,  witch  is  probly  about  the  vally 
of  a  three  cent  stomp  arter  its  ben  throo  the  mail. 

Hopin  that  we  may  sun  meet  the  rebels  with  a  sooperiur 
force  on  our  side,  and  wollup  em  tell  they  take  the  oath  of 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB.  185 

a  legions,  and  giv  us  a  duebill  for  the  eggspenscs  we  hev  incurd 
in  bringin  them  back  to  resin  and  the  pershoot  of  happiness, 
I  remain,  in  deep  thort, 

Tours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER,. 


No.  LXV. 

[Bitter  are  the  words  of  our  gallant  old  correspondent  this 
week ;  but  they  are  bitterly  true.  He  only  says  what  thousands 
think.  A  more  loyal  citizen  than  he  does  not  breathe ;  but  he 
makes  a  distinction,  it  seems,  between  loyalty  to  the  Govern- 
ment and  an  indiscriminate  indorsement  of  the  acts  of  those  who 
administer  it. — EDS.] 

,.i  ALEXANDEY,  September  3, 18G2. 

Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  MerTcary : 

I  hev  jest  cum  over  here  from  Washington,  whar,  for  the  last 
three  days,  I  hev  ben  actin  as  a  naid  to  the  surgin-ginral  and 
his  staff,  who  hes  ben  overheadandears  in  surgycall  bizness,  in 
consekens  of  the  continual  pourin  in  of  the  wowndecl  ever  senst 
the  retreat  from  Bull  Ran  to  Centreveal.  Pope  is  fallin  back  at 
a  purty  actyve  pace,  and  it  seems  from  the  hevvy  skrimmidge 
near  Fairfacts  Court-House  on  Munday  night  that  a  considabul 
outlyiu  boddy  of  the  eneinees  troops  was  then  closter  to  Wash- 
ington than  he  was.  Sum  thinks  they'll  be  ketched  in  a  snair  ; 
uthers  allows  as  Pope  will  be  attactcd  in  frunt  by  Lee,  while 
Jackson  bumbards  his  rare,  and  that  atween  the  two  his  numer- 
us  files  will  be  held  as  in  a  vice ;  but  I  trust  it  will  prove  vicey- 
versy.  The  seecesh  univarsally  pretends  to  take  the  latter  vew 
of  the  case ;  but  I  gess  theyre  oney  blowin,  blast  em.  One 
thing's  sartin,  howsever;  that  cunnin  old  rebel  bird  Ginral 
Jackson,  got  Ginral  Reno  inter  an  ambush  on  Munday  evenin 
down  to  Fairfacts,  and  tho  the  rebels  was  finerly  druv  in,  a 
hull  divishin  cum  all-critical  near  bein  cut  off,  besides  loosin  the 
brave  Kearny  and  Stevens,  two  as  thurrowbred  heroes  as  ever 
fit  for  the  old  flag  senst  she  was  fust  uniurld  on  the  battle  fecld  of 
Saratoga  eighty-three  years  ago. 

It  must  be  confest  that  matters  at  present  wares  raythcr  a 
gluuimy  aspic,  and  it  seems  as  ef  the  old  sarpint  was  dooin  his 
all-sulfurus  utmost  to  help  the  rebel  cawse.  I  spoge  he  simper- 


186  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

thises  with  it  on  ackount  of  his  hevin  ben  a  traitor  hisself  and 
compeld  at  an  airly  peeriud  in  the  Dark  Ages  to  skecldadle  afore 
the  charge  of  the  Excelsior  Brigade  of  Pairodice  to  the  unhelthy 
lowcashin  war  he  now  hangs  out.  But  altho  Sinsinnaughty  is 
threttened  by  the  blastfeemin  rebels  with  the  fate  of  the  cities  of 
the  Plain,  and  Merryland,  in  consekens  of  Jackson's  reported 
bender,  is  blevd  by  naenny  to  be  in  a  grevus  strait,  me  and 
my  cherful  and  mayjestic  frend,  the  lofty  and  lively  Lincoln, 
hes  still  the  strongest  confidens  in  the  ultimut  tryump  of  the 
Union  arms.  Legs  talliom's  he  ses  will  sun  be  the  order  of  the 
day,  and  he  hops,  to  use  his  own  sublime  eggspresshin,  "  that 
the  six  hunderd  thousand  men  now  runnin  regairdless  of  eggspens 
to  the  reskyou  of  thar  kentry,  will  sunner  or  later  return  to  the 
peaceful  walks  of  civil  life."  Nuther  him  nor  me  bleves  that 
the  cabbynet  imbersillity  and  milentary  jelassy  and  want  of 
gumpshin,  is  goin  to  swomp  the  Union  ;  and  we  dont  mean  to 
bleve  it  ontil  Washington  is  tuck  by  storm,  Bawltomore  surren- 
dered, Sinsinnaughty  conflagrated,  and  a  conkerin  Suthern  army 
on  root  for  Philadelphy  and  New  York. 

It  is  cheerin  to  refleck  that  the  last  battle  of  Bull  Run  hes  not 
been  follered  by  wus  consekenses  than  the  fust.  Ginral  Pope  hes 
trod  ackeritly  hi  the  footsteps  of  his  illustris  predecesher  Ginral 
Macdoill — vamosin  from  Bull  Kun  to  Oentreveal,  from  Centreveal 
to  Fairfacts,  and  from  Fairfacts  to  Washington,  whar  I  persoom 
lie  will  arrive  to-day  or  to  morrer.  The  former — wun  of  the 
modestest  men  in  the  anny,  and  remarkabul  for  the  number  of 
prisners  he  takes — announst  a  trernenjus  victry  at  Bull  Run,  jest 
as  Ginral  Macdoill  hed  dun  afore  him,  and  tuck  the  back  track 
by  way  of  Centreveal,  Fall's  Church  and  Fairfacts,  perzackly  in 
the  same  way — oney  Macdoill's  pace  was  rayther  lower  down 
among  the  forties  than  Pope's.  I  persoom,  howsever,  ef  Pope 
hedent  hed  them  seventeen  thousand  prisners  to  restore  to  libty, 
as  he  marveld  along,  he  mought  hev  ekwild  the  time  of  that 
gentmanly  ginral. 

I  call  him  gentmanly,  bekase  the  rebels  sed  he  was  a  gentman 
and  respeckted  his  baggidge  as  setch  at  Catlett's  Stashin,  and 
they  oughter  kno.  The  Army  of  the  Potomac  will  mebbe  be  to- 
night about  in  the  persishin  it  was  in  prevus  to  marchin  outer 
the  fedral  capital  for  Richmound  more'n  a  year  ago  "singin 
sams  and  hime  of  tryump",  and  wunst  agin  we  hev  the  onspeak- 
abul  happiness  of  lamin  arter  spendin  twelve  hunderd  niillyuns 
of  dolors  and  using  up  two  hunderd  thousand  men,  that  "  the 
guveruient  feels  satisfied  that  Wasliinton  is  saift."  In  coarse  ef 


A    DISBANDED    VOLUNTEER.  187 

the  guverment  is  satisfied  the  peeple  must  be  satisfied.  How  in 
the  name  of  desputism  and  Fort  Laugheryet  ken  they  be  enny- 
thing  else ! 

I  seen  considabul  of  my  venabul  and  farseeshus  frend  the 
President  doorin  the  short  time  I  was  in  Washington,  and  am 
happy  to  state  throo  your  collumes,  to  the  popolashin  of  this 
continent  and  the  nashins  of  the  airth  in  ginral,  that  his  Eggsel- 
lensy  is  as  spry  as  a  cricket.  The  keers  of  State  doosent  peer  to 
hev  dampt  his  sperrits  a  mite,  and  notwithstandin  the  desputes 
of  his  ginrals  and  the  divishins  in  his  cabbynet,  wittyschisms 
continnees  to  flow  from  his  flewent  lips  without  sesashin,  as 
ushil.  He  axed  me  yestday  when  I  called  to  make  my  adoos  at 
the  White  House,  "  why  thar  was  a  ditfrence  atwixt  Admiral 
Goldsburrow  and  the  hero  of  the  Battle  of  Lake  Erie."  I  re- 
liiarkt  that  it  was  prchaps  bekase  the  latter'went  in  and  won, 
and  the  former  oney  went  out  and  wonderd. 

"No,"  ses  the  distingwished  Head  of  the  Commonwelth,  "no 
sirree ! — it  is  bekase  Admiral  Goldsburrow  hesn't  got  no  Perry 
Cranium.'11  I  hop  the  Naval  Charnpyun  of  Hamton  Roads  wont 
think  it  nessary  to  resine  on  ackount  of  this  harmless  joak,  and 
I  dont  think  he  will,  for  its  purty  much  the  same  with  oflishal 
foo-foos  now,  as  it  was  in  old  Hickory's  time,  "  few  dies  and  nun 
resines." 

It  will  no  dout  be  a  consolashin  to  the  down-harted  kentry  in 
the  present  tryin  crysis  to  larn  that  her  eggsellensy,  the  lady 
Presidentess,  is  in  salubrus  helth,  and  drives  about  in  a  butiful 
bayrush  and  pair,  with  et  ceterys,  lucking  as  paytryotic — witch 
she  is — as  ef  she  hedent  a  traitor  relashin  in  the  world.  She  is 
a  remarkabul  wumman  ;  not  so  slim  as  the  Empress  Euginny ; 
nor  so  tall  as  the  Empress  of  all  the  Hushes ;  nor  so  short  as 
Queen  Victory ;  but  combinin  all  thar  kwalities  of  mind  and 
person  in  a  manner  that  it  is  diffikult  to  deskribe.  Fearin  I 
should  be  onabul  to  do  the  subjeck  jestice,  I  shall  not  attempt  it ; 
but  ef  the  publick  mind  will  take  the  trubble  to  imadgin  the 
stately  grace  of  the  two  continental  empresses  and  the  benignitty 
of  the  iland  queen,  kinder  malgamated  and  mixed  up  and 
mouldied  altogether,  they  may  begin  to  reallies  what  noboddy 
but  a  poick,  with  his  eye  in  a  fine  frenchy  rollin,  could  adak- 
witly  deskribe.  N.  P.  Willis  mought  do  it,  but  setch  flites  of 
fancy  is  not  for  Disbanded  Volunteers. 

Prehaps  you  and  your  readers  may  be  a  triful  sprised  at  my 
usin  tituls  of  honor  iii  speakin  of  the  Eggseggati\e  fammaly,  but 
sech  is  the  tendency  of  the  times.  Things  is  gitten  inter  a 


188  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

monarky  way  allmity  rapid  at  Washington,  and  it  lucks  now  as 
ef  we  should  desput  snn  have  a  reglar  desputism.  Not  as  the 
guverment  means  it.  Oh  no ;  but  sumhow  or  uther  the  sira- 
plesity  of  our  republican  system,  and  the  saiftgards  of  the  con- 
stitooshin,  is  going  to  the  devil  about  as  fast  as  omshal  presump- 
shin  and  lawless  insolens  ken  drive  em.  I  dont  no  but  merely 
for  ritin  this  letter  I  may  be  sent  to  sum  Barsteel  with  a  letter  de 
catchit,  and  that  you  may  be  offered  your  choice  atween  the  Rip 
Raps  and  the  Dry  Tortoogus,  for  prentin  it ;  but  ef  it  should  be 
so  we  shell  at  least  hev  the  satisfackshin  of  feline  in  our  harts, 
that  thars  few  lyaler  men  than  ourselves  outer  jail. 

This  place  is  in  a  hubbub  day  and  night  with  the  sound  of 
wheels  and  the  vices  of  teamsters  and  ambulance  drivers.  What 
with  the  shoutin  of  troops  cummin  in  and  goin  out,  the  milen- 
tary  bands,  the  yells  of  drunken  stragglers,  and  cetery,  I  should 
say  that  Alexaudry,  jest  now,  cuinpairs  onfavorably  with  the 
Tower  of  Babbel  in  the  wust  crysis  of  the  unknown  tungs. 
Hopin  for  a  seeceshin  of  the  deafenin  row  when  we  hev  silenst 
the  row  of  seeceshin,  I  remain,  distracted  in  brain,  but  lyal  in 
hart,  Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LXVI. 

[We  rejoice  to  learn,  from  the  subjoined  letter,  that  the  Presi- 
dent, sick — and  no  wonder ! — of  his  point-no-point  Cabinet,  and 
of  political  humbugs  generally,  has  concluded,  in  the  present 
critical  state  of  affairs,  to  advise  with  our  straightforward,  sharp- 
minded  correspondent.  Would  lie  had  adopted  this  course 
sooner !  Now  that  the  head  of  the  nation  and  our  long-headed 
friend  have  laid  their  heads  together,  we  shall  look  for  more 
vigor  hi  the  conduct  of  the  war. — EDS.] 

ALEXANDRY,  September  11, 1862, 
Eddyturs  of  tJie  Sunday  Merkary : 

My  asspkashins  is  disappinted.  Long  ear  now  I  eggspected 
to  hev  ben  on  the  march ;  but  I  upbrayed  noboddy.  When 
Ginral  Maclellin,  onshagrinned  by  the  loss  of  Virginny,  started 
in  the  airly  part  of  the  week  to  reconker  Merryland,  it  was  his 
airnest  wish  that  I  should  ackurnpany  Mm  on  the  path  of  glory. 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  189 

"  Disbanded,"  ses  he,  "  I  hev  allus  leaned  onto  you  more'n  all 
the  rest  of  my  staff.  Nex  to  my  wife,"  ses  he,  in  a  tone  of  tender 
emoshin,  "  you  hev  my  warmest  affeckshin  and  regaird,  and  I 
want  to  hev  you  allus  at  my  bridal  reign." 

But  it  warn't  to  be.  It  was  my  fate  to  be  a  nobjeck  of  compe- 
tisliin.  About  an  hour  arter  this  flatterin  conversashin,  a  messin- 
ger  arrove  on  a  fomin  steed  from  the  White  House,  with  a  rekwest 
from  my  eggsalted  frend,  His  Eggsellency  the  President  of  the 
Remainder  of  the  United  States,  for  an  immedient  intervew  on 
nayshinal  bizness.  Singlar  to  relate,  on  reachin  the  fedral 
manshin,  its  Presidin  Genus,  arter  axin  me,  with  his  ushil  curt- 
sey, "  how  I  flurrished",  addrest  me  in  nearly  the  same  lang- 
widge  as  Ginral  Maclellin  dun,  oney  a  triful  more  dignified. 

"  D.  V.,"  he  remarkt,  throwin  his  left  leg  over  the  back  of  wun 
of  Mrs.  Lincoln's  new  droring-runi  cheers,  with  that  winnin 
grace  for  witch  he  is  notoryus,  "  D.  V.,"  old  feller,  you  musn't 
go  to  the  Upper  Potomac  with  Maclellin,  for  I  hev  more  confi- 
dens  in  you  then  in  all  the  bullheads  in  my  cabnet.  Salmon 
Chase,  to  be  sure,  is  well  enuff,"  he  continned,  "  but  I  kant  go 
Seward ;  .  and  as  to  the  funkshinary  of  the  '"War  Department, 
he  plays  setch  a  game  of  cross  porpuses  that  its  onpossabul  to 
make  head  or  tail  of  the  flounderin  critter.  But  you,  D.  V.," 
ses  his  eggsellency,  "  you,  old  hoss,  air  of  a  diffrent  stripe.  Let 
alone  Mrs.  L.,"  ses  his  eggsellency,  "  thars  noboddy  to  hoom  I 
ken  unbuzzum  myself  in  privit  as  I  ken  to  you." 

"  But  my  simperthetic  frend,"  I  replide,  "  ef  I  back  out  of  this 
raid  inter  Merryland,  my  cumraids  will  overwelm  me  with 
satyr." 

"  They  be  splinterd !"  ses  he,  carrickteristically ;  "  when  the 
boss  puts  down  his  foot  and  ses  '  this  is  your  post,'  wot  need  you 
to  keer  for  thar  brashy  railin." 

I  yielded,  for  I  felt  that  to  leve  the  rooler  of  the  nashin,  at 
setch  a  moment,  would  be  hard  lines.  I  couldent  abandun  him 
to  the  tender  marcies  of  his  vassalatin  constitooshinal  advisers. 
It  would  hev  ben  like  deprivin  him  of  his  backbone.  Twyste  a 
day,  mornin  and  evenin,  a  solentary  hossman,  gray-headed,  but 
full  of  gumpshin,  may  be  seen  ridin  in  deep  fhort  over  the  Long 
Bridge  in  the  direckshin  of  Washington.  That's  me.  My  dus- 
tynashin  is  the  White  House,  whar  I  remane  in  consultashin 
with  the  President  from  the  hour  of  my  arrival  ontil  his  eggsel- 
lency goes  to  sleep.  I  hev  dun  sum  good  allready.  It  was  by 
my  advice  that  Burnside  was  sent  out  to  feel  the  enemee,  and 
that  Pope,  by  way  of  a  flyer,  was  railed,  by  the  neardest  rout,  to 


190  WAB    LETTERS     OF 

tuther  side  of  Jordan.  By  Jordan,  I  mean  the  Mussysippi.  At 
my  slisitashin,  too,  Macdooil,  the  hero  of  two  slashin  defects,  was 
dispatched  to  parts  onknown,  to  remane  tell  called  for  ;  and  ef 
you  should  hear,  in  the  Lord's  good  time,  that  Stanton's  nose 
was  outer  jint,  you  won't  be  far  rong  in  sirrnysin  that  I  hed  a 
hand  in  its  dislickashin. 

We — I  refer  to  this  individyal  and  the  Honabul  Abe — air  dooin 
what  we  ken  to  pervent  the  grate  commershil  States  of  the  North 
from  fallin  a  pray  to  the  ongodly  invaders.  Ef  possabul,  Phila- 
delphy  will  be  saved,  bekase,  in  case  Washington  and  Bawlto- 
more  is  tuck,  the  President  and  Mrs.  Lincoln  prepose  to  set  for 
cumpany  thar  doorin  the  gay  seesin.  Ef,  howsever,  the  Kee- 
stone  State  should  be  capterd  by  the  ragged  cusses,  who  in  settin 
foot  on  our  sile  declared  thar  intenshin  to  "  conker  a  piece,"  the 
illustrus  fedral  pair  will  adjern  to  New  York  tell  the  openin  of 
the  spring  camppain,  and  will  probly  ockipy  ether  the  Acadmy 
of  Musick  or  the  Cooper  Institoot,  while  the  members  of  the 
cabnet  will  be  accomrnydated  at  the  Blind  Asylum.  I  bleve  the 
President  would  prefer  retirin  to  Springfield,  whar  he  belongs  ; 
but  that  would  be  rayther  resky,  bekase  ef  the  rebels  seesed  Sin- 
sinnaughty — the  grate  commershil  meatroplis  of  the  West — he 
mought  hev  to  depend  eggscloosivly  on  Illanoy  for  rnilentary 
suckers. 

We  hope,  howsever,  to  turn  the  tables  onto  the  rebels,  smash 
thar  picters  !  Maclellin  is  arter  em  in  Merryland  with  a  sharp 
stick,  and  ef  he  doosent  stop  to  dig,  thousands  of  em  will  find  a 
bluddy  grave  on  this  side  of  the  Potomack.  My  own  pinyun  is 
that  thar  present  incurshin  is  oney  a  faint,  and,  in  fack,  the  last 
dispatch  from  the  seat  of  war  ses  they  air  fallin  back.  The 
report  that  thar  lines  reeches  from  Sinacur  Crick  to  Munggum- 
mery  Court  House  is  considerd  mung  news,  and  I  persoom  thar 
numbers  in  Prence  George  hes  ben  magnifide  ekwil  to  Falstaff  s 
Lincoln  Green  Men, -in  his  lyin  yarn  to  Prence  Henry.  Wot 
Lee  and  Longstreet  is  up  to  is  to  dror  our  forces  inter  the  iiiteer- 
yur  of  Merryland.  and  then  pitch  inter  us  at  Washington  with 
rnebbe  a  hunderd  and  fifty  thousand  men.  Ef  Maclellin,  Burn- 
side,  Fits  John  Porter,  Banks,  and  Hindsellman  doos  thar  duty, 
that  game's  blocked,  and  the  Jeffocracy  is  in  an  all-exscrewshi- 
atin  fix.  Its  a  golclin  chain  or  a  wooden  leg,  as  the  sayin  is. 
The  Corufedracy  is  ether  on  the  eve  of  a  grand  triump  or  an 
everlastin  kullaps. 

In  the  meenthne,  let  the  peeple,  when  they  assembul  in  thar 
places  of  publick  wurship,  and  evry  night  and  inornin  in  thar 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  191 

privit  devoshins,  try  to  pray  a  little  common  sense  inter  the  head 
of  the  War  Department,  and  all  strategy  outer  the  heads  of  our 
ginrals  in  the  feeld.  As  to  the  President,  He  take  keer  of  him  ; 
and,  notwithstandin  his  onrepressabul  humor,-!  hev  sanguinary 
hopes  of  convincin  him,  in  the  eend,  that  this  war  is  sumthin 
beyant  a  joak.  Starnly  and  sorrerfully,  I  remane, 
Yours,  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER 


No.  LXVH. 

[Since  the  President  has  been  guided  by  the  advice  of  our 
sagacious  correspondent,  everything  seems  to  have  gone  well. 
Let  us  hope  he  may  continue  to  turn  a  favorable  ear  to  the  Dis- 
banded's  words  of  wisdom.  We  invite  attention  to  the  conversa- 
tion between  D.  V.  and  A.  L.  at  the  White  House. — EDS.] 

WHITE  HOUSE,  WASHINGTON,  ) 

DEESTRICK  OF  COLUMBY,  September  18, 1862.  ' 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  MerTtary  : 

The  hull  ken  try  has  reson  to  rejice  that  the  able-minded  Abra- 
ham kep  me  back  from  the  feeld  of  mortil  comba.t  to  help  organize 
victiy.  We  hev  dun  the  job !  thanks  to  Hallylooyer.  We  hev 
redooced  the  Hiderheaded  Rebellyun  to  the  last  eggstremity,  and 
by  the  time  this  reaches  you,  it  is  not  onlikely  that  its  tail  will 
be  tolled.  I  am  now  settin  in  the  President's  privit  parlor  at  the 
White  Hotise,  opposit  that  accomplisht  statesman  and  worrier, 
who  is  onkonshusly  to  hisself  carvin  the  inishals  of  his  immortal 
name  onto  the  back  of  a  rosewood  teet-a-teet.  We  air  awaitin 
glad  tidings  from  the  Upper  Potomac — the  last  ackounts  bein 
that  Longstreet  was  hemmed  inter  a  cool  de  sack,  and  would  be 
bagged  immediently.  I  think,  from  the  moshin  of  his  hand,  as 
he  whittles  the  teet-a-teet,  that  his  Eggsellency  feels  the  least 
mite  narvous ;  but  he  hesent  enny  call  to  be.  Howsever,  I'll 
test  the  state  of  his  thortful  and  actyve  mind  by  a  few  inderoga- 
tories,  and  give  you  the  conversashin  jest  as  it  cums  off.  Hear 
goes : 

D.  V. — My  responsabul  frend,  wot  is  your  onbyassed  opinyun 
of  the  last  tellagram  from  Harassburg.  It  ses  "  the  rebellyun  is 
virtuously  subdoocl." 

A.  L.  (shelling  his  nife  and  assumin  a  statesmanlike  apperience 


192  WAB    LETTERS     OF 

ginally). — "Wall,  Disbanded,  the  tenner  of  the  advices  would 
seem  to  indicate  a  ten-strike.  But  the  forten  of  war  is  onsartin, 
eggsept  for  army  contractors.  Hooker  was  wownded  in  the  foot 
while  chasm  the  fo,  witch  is  rayther  agen  his  cummin  up  with 
em,  tho  he's  not  the  man  to  make  lame  eggscuses  for  not  puttin 
the  best  leg  foremost.  Then  its  menshint  as  wun  of  the  Hills  is 
taken,  but  as  the  Cornfedrits  ockypied  a  ridge  of  hills  a  mild  and 
a  hafe  long,  its  onpossabul  to  say  wether  the  wun  that's  tuck 
cummanded  enny  of  thar  persishins.  Upon  the  hull ,  the  probility 
is  that  ef  the  rebel  army  lies  been  forced  to  the  Potomac,  and  ef 
the  river  hes  riz  as  reported,  it  will  uther  sirrender  or  be  stript 
of  everything,  and  hev  to  swim  for  bar  life. 

D.  V. — Wai  sed,  my  seckind  Washington !  Your  conclooshins 
from  the  flyin  darter  of  the  tellagraft  is  wurthy  of  the  Father  of 
his  Kentry  in  the  days  that  tried  men's  soles.  Wot's  your  offishal 
estimit  of  Ginral  Maclellin  about  these  days,  my  Paytryotic 
Trump? 

A.  L. — Maclellin — eh  ?  (pullin  his  left  whisker  as  ef  he  was  a 
milkiu),  wal  I  think  he's  gin  the  Freemounters  Jessie,  as  Avell  as 
treted  the  rebels  to  a  lofty  fall.  But  in  a  fight,  much  depends  on 
keerful  backers.  Mebbe  ef  Stanton  hed  ben  his  bottle-holder, 
insted  of  Halleck,  he  mought  hev  ben  fibbed  down,  as  he  was  on 
the  Peninslur. 

D.  V. — Gess  youre  right  thar  my  junior  Hickory.  Stanton's  a 
fine  feller — a  kinder  feller  in  fack  that  would  stand  at  a  man's 
back  and  see  his  brains  blown  out  without  budgin  a  har's  bredth ; 
but  upon  the  hull  I  don't  crave  to  fight  under  his  asspieces. 
Onderstand  me,  howsever,  I  hev  nuthin  to  say  agin  the  Seckatry 
of  War.  Far  from  it.  I  consider  him  a  plesent  man  for  a  small 
party,  and  as  his  party  is  the  smallest  out,  I  dessay  they  hev  a 
good  time  together. 

A.  L. — D.  V.,  youre  a  sinnick ;  but  I  kant  kwarrel  with  you, 
bekase  ef  it  hedent  a  ben  for  you  and  Halleck,  I  dunno  but  Jeff 
Davis  mought  now  hev  ben  in  the  White  House,  and  me  and 
Mrs.  L.  onhappy  fudgetives.  Is  thar  ennything  I  ken  do  for  you  ? 
Would  you  like  to  go  inter  the  Cabnet,  or  hev  a  swoord  of 
honor  gin  to  you,  or  a  contrack,  or  be  a  minster  to  Saint  James, 
or  a  consol,  with  a  chanst  to  put  yourself  in  funds  for  life,  or  a 
Bragadear  Ginral,  or  an  Injun  Commislliner,  or  a  Rare  Admiral 
or  a  United  States  Tresherer  with  the  run  of  the  mint  and  no 
kwestins  axed,  or  a  colonizin  agent  for  the  Contrabands,  or  my 
sucksessor  to  the  Presidensb.il  Cheer,  or — 

D.  V.  (interruptin  the  catalog). — Nary  wun,  my  buzzum  frend, 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  193 

nary  wuii.  Ive  seen  enuff  fishul  raskality,  meanness,  jellysee, 
hatred,  maliss,  and  oncharitabulncss  scnst  this  war  commenst,  to 
feel  that  the  oney  post  of  honor  is  the  privit  stashin.  line  nuthcr 
a  politishin  nor  a  parricide ;  and  I  dont  want  ether  to  belong  to 
the  aristocracy  or  the  democracy,  but  jest  to  the  mediocracy, 
witch  doosent  keer  a  red  for  purpel  and  fine  linnen,  but  isent 
abuv  sope  and  water  and  waring  clean  shirts. 

A.  L.  (with  a  deep  sithe). — Say  no  more,  D.  V.,  say  no  more  ; 
you  put  me  in  mind  of  Pope's  lines — I  mean  the  poick,  not  the 
major-ginral : 

"A  wit's  a  fether,  and  a  cheef's  a  rod, 
An  honest  man's  the  noblest  work  of  God." 

Bein  all  three  myself,  I  ken  feelingly  subscribe  to  the  truth  of 
the  cupple  it. 

MESSINGER  BOY  FROM  THE  TELLAGRAFT  OFFICE  (rushin  in 
with  sawsir  eyes,  in  a  fewroar  of  eggsightment). — Sir-r-r !  Gent- 
men  !  Nuther  dispatch  !  Ginral  Longstreet's  killed  and  Ginral 
Cobb's  a  prisoner. 

A.  L. — That  boy,  D.  V.,  reminds  me  of  a  reuiarkabul  insident. 
Menny  years  ago,  when  I  was  navigatin  the  Ohio  as  a  flat — 

SECKIND  MESSINGER  BOY  (in  a  perfoose  pressperashin). — Mr. 
President — nuther  dispatch !  Ginral  Longstreet  isn't  killed,  but 
he's  tuck,  and  Ginral  Cobb's  wownded. 

A.  L. — Blame  these  boys,  wot  boyant  sperrits  they  hev.  Wai, 
as  I  was  sayin,  when  I  was  navigatin  the  Ohio  as  a  flat  boatman, 
many  pears  ago,  the  craft  got  aground  and  my  mate,  sez  he, 
Old  Stick-in-the-mud — 

THIRD  MESSENGER  BOY  (pantin  heavily). — Nuttier  dispatch  ! 
Burnsides  turnt  Jackson  s  flank  and  is  pressin  onto  his  rare. 
Porter  is  shellin  Cobb,  and  Franklin  lies  gin  Lee  thunder  and 
lighten.  Hooker's  wownd  is  easier,  and  he  is  agin  in  ackshin 
with  his  foot  in  a  sling. 

A.  L.  (throwin  him  a  postage  currency). — Thats  the  way  to 
mall  em !  But  whar  was  I !  O !  I  remember — my  mate,  ses  he, 
Old  Stick-in-the-mud,  are  you  awar  why  you  run  aground  ?  No, 
ses  I.  Ses  he,  its  bekase  thars  no  reliance  to  be  placed  on  the  boys, 
pintin  to  the  flotin  bekins  in  the  channel.  You  see  the  nub  of 
the  joke  I  spose.  The  tellagraft  is  a  mity  unsartin  channel  of 
informashin,  and  it  wont  do  to  trust  to  tJie  boys.  He  !  he  !  he  ! 

D.  V.  (as  in  duty  bound).— Ha!  ha!  ha!  Ho!  ho!  ho! 
Tiger-r-r!!! 


194  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

ALEXANDRY,  September  19, 1862. 

Shortly  arter  the  President  had  tinisht  his  apropo  story,  vic- 
tries  began  to  cum  in  so  everlastin  thick,  that  it  was  enuff  to 
drive  the  most  flegmatic  Unionists  inter  a  state  of  halloocynashin, 
so  I  seezed  my  hat  and  vamosed  in  eggstacy,  leavin  the  Presi- 
dent singin  the  Star  Spangled  Banner  at  the  top  of  his  vice, 
witch  is  purty  high,  and  keepin  time  with  the  heels  of  his  boots 
on  the  senter  table. 

It  is  onnessary  to  rekapitalate  the  sperrit  stirrin   noose  of- 
to-day,  as  you  will  hev  all  the  tremenjus  tryumps  over  the 
wires,  as  fast  as  the  eneinee  is  anialated,  and  cut  to  pieces,  and 
taken  prisners,  and  sent  to  the  rare  utterly  demoralized  to  take 
the  oath  and  rally  wunst  more  under  the  old  flag. 
Fateeged  with  glory, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.   LXVIII. 

fThe  Disbanded  is  not  an  egotist.  Far  from  it.  He  simply 
wishes  to  be  credited  with  his  own  thunder,  and  he  insists  that 
the  Emancipation  Proclamation  (except  the  spellin  and  pronun- 
ciation) is  his  thunder.  We  give  him  an  opportunity  to  do  him- 
self justice  in  our  columns.  He  seems  to  disclaim  Proclamation 
No.  2  even  more  emphatically  than  he  claims  Proclamation  No. 
1.— EDS.] 

ALEXANDRY,  VIRGINNY,  September  26, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

Wai,  wot  do  you  think  of  Abraham  Lincoln's  style  of  runnin 
the  niasheen  onder  my  foremanship  ?  We  air  a  teem  and  a  hafe 
and  a  bull  tarrier  atween  the  ropes,  and  no  mistake.  That  Nig- 
ger-rnanspayshin  dockament  was  a  sockdolager,  warnt  it  ?  Its 
sum  I  tell  you,  and  ef  it  doosent  eend  the  war  afore  nex  summer 
*;he  blacks  will  be  sure  to  rise  in  the  fall.  Luck  at  the  norrnus 
ixseshins  its  goin  to  bring  to  the  army  from  the  abelishinist 
/anks.  Them  nine  hunderd  thousand  aunty-slavei's  thats  ben 
n  standin  with  thar  guns  loaded  and  capt,  thar  bagnets  fixt,  and 
'.liar  legs  lifted  for  a  start  on  the  dubbel  kwick  for  the  last  eighteen 
vaunts,  waitin  for  jest  setch  a  proclamashiu,  will  in  coarse  all 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  195 

speak  to  wunst  and  demand  to  be  led  agin  the  enemee.  I  per- 
soom  they  air  now  rushin  in -crowds  to  all  the  Nuthern  recrutin 
stashens,  blessin  me  and  Abraham  Lincoln,  and  resolved  to 
kiver  tharselves  with  uniforms  and  glory.  Let  em  cum — don't 
stop  em — pervide  transportashin  for  all  of  em — and  dont  ax  em 
whether  they  go  for  the  Union  as  it  was  or  it  wasent,  as  it  is  or 
it  isent ;  but  take  advantage  of  thar  fewroar  and  let  em  go  in — 
outer  the  draft!  The  kullerd  peeple  eggspects  em,  rain  or 
shine,  and  Cashus  of  Kaintucky  will  cross  the  Rubygun  with 
em,  and  sink  or  swim,  survive  or  perish  in  the  atternp.  A  proc- 
lamashin  as  brings  nine  hundcrd  thousand  men  inter  the  feeld  is 
a  dockament  that  11  live,  as  the  poick  ses,  "  to  the  last  syllabub 
of  recorded  Time."  Rich  Loo  was  right — "  In  the  hands  of  men 
entirely  great,"  like  Abe  and  Me,  "  the  pen  is  miteyer'n  the 
swoord !" 

Senst  the  abuv  parrygraft  was  writ,  a  frend  of  mine,  a  feller 
who  is  allus  puttin  a  spoke  inter  other  peoples  weals,  hes  stept 
in  and  subjested  a  diffrent  vew  of  the  case.  He  allows  that  the 
abelishinists  heving  nuthin  at  hart  in  this  war  but  the  onfetterin 
of  the  kullerd  race,  will  dekline  takin  up  arms  ontil  arter  the 
1st  of  January,  for  fare  of  fritenin  the  Suthern  States  and 
causen  em  to  return  to  thar  a  legions ;  tharby  preveutin  the 
oufortnit  slaves  from  bein  "  thenceforrard  and  forever  free." 
Consekently,  he  argoos,  no  help  need  be  eggspected  from  that 
kwarter  ontil  arter  New  Years.  But  I  dont  bleve  it.  It  kant 
be  as  the  luv  of  the  Manspayshunists  for  men  of  Afrikin  dissent, 
is  parryrnount  to  thar  luv  of  this  blessed  Union.  As  to  usin  this 
plee  as  a  subterfudge  in  order  to  keep  clar  of  danger  (as  the 
feller  hinted  when  he  Avas  goin  away) — that  I  wont  credit.  Sar- 
tainly  no  American  would  plead  affeckshin  for  the  race  of  Ham 
as  an  eggscuse  to  save  his  bacon.  I  tharfore  dismiss  the  insin- 
nerashin  from  my  mind — tho  I  kant  help  wishin  the  infarnal 
croker  heclent  a  put  the  thing  in  that  light,  for  it  haunts  me. 

The  proclamashin  is  shoor  to  create  a  perfouud  sensashin 
abrord.  It  kennot  fail  to  shet  up  Lord  Pamstun  like  a  jack-nife 
and  thro  the  Darby  cleek  inter  a  state  of  asfixyou.  Both  perfes- 
ses  to  be  willin  to  go  the  hull  hog  for  the  eggstinkshin  of  human 
bondage,  and  thar  oney  avoud  resin  for  bristlin  up  agin  the 
North  so  fur,  hes  ben  that  while  dcprivin  the  wurld  of  cotton 
we  warnt  tryin  to  make  wool  free.  The  new  state  paper  got 
up  by  Abraham  and  Me,  nocks  (hat  stool  from  onder  em,  and 
they  must  uther  take  our  side  now,  or  sobside  inter  everlastin 
oblokwee  and  contemp.  It  will  be  likewise  the  same  in  France. 


196  WAB     LETTERS     OF 

We  hev  taken  the  wind  outer  the  sails  of  both  guvennents,  and 
they  must  uther  change  thar  toon  tords  the  North,  or  they'll 
hev  the  peeple  in  thar  har  and  git  thar  combs  cut  afore  they 
know  it. 

The  press  is  a  great  and  solem  instooshin — the  Playdum  of 
our  Libties  and  the  Bullwork  of  this  Oxidental  Land  of  Free- 
dom*— but  sumtimes  its  allcussed  mean.  I  dessay,  now,  that 
sum  of  your  New  York  papers  will  try  to  make  thar  reeders 
bleve  that  the  Cabnet  hed  a  hand  in  the  proclamashin.  Wun, 
mebbe,  will  say  that  it  is  marked  with  the  perfound  depth  of 
Welles,  anuther  that  it  is  in  the  Chaste  stile  of  the  Seckatry  of 
the  Tresury,  and  a  third  that  it  sounds  like  Blare ;  but  wunst  for 
all  let  setch  invidyus  prents  be  gin  to  onderstancl  that  I  rit  it 
myself,  with  no  help  from  nobody,  and  that  Abraham  Lincoln, 
God  bless  him!  punctured  the  sentences  and  korrected  the 
spellin.  We  alone  are  the  orthurs,  and  We  take  the  respons- 
bility.  I  hed  great  difficulty  in  preventin  the  President  from 
making  a  foo-foo  of  hisself,  by  takin  the  advice  of  his  Cabnet  on 
the  subjeck,  but  I  suckseeded.  I  dont  crave  enny  man  wurship 
for  my  sarvices,  howsever.  I  am  satisfied  with  deservin  well  of 
my  kentry,  and  dont  hanker  arter  sickofancy  and  serenades. 

But  I  kant  allus  be  with  my  buzzum  frend  the  President.  I 
hev  other  dooties,  witch  it  is  onpossible  for  me  to  shirk  with  a 
clar  conshence,  that  ockashinally  prevents  my  bein  at  his  elbo. 
On  setch  ockashins,  advantage  is  tuck  of  his  amabel  weak- 
nesses, by  a  passel  of  pollytickle  tinkers  as  doosent  no  thar  a-b, 
abs  in  the  skience  of  statemanship.  Frinstance,  when  I  was  off 
to  Bawltoinore  on  milentary  bizness,  this  week,  he  was  over- 
perswaded  to  issoo  anuther  proclamashin,  witch  I  am  afcard  he'll 
hev  cause  to  repent  to  his  dyin  day.  I  mean,  in  coarse,  the  des- 
polick  dockamint  as  puts  privit  citysins  in  the  North  onder 
marshil  law,  and  subjecks  em  to  be  tried  and  punisht  by  milen- 
tary commishins,  for  sayin  or  dooin  ennything  witch  in  the 
opinyun  of  provost  marshals  and  setch  is  calkilated  to  discur- 
riclge  inlistraents.  I  shed  teers  when  I  seen  that  in  prent — 
weepin  partly  for  my  freend,  and  partly  for  my  kentry.  Its 
onconstitooshinal,  onnessary,  and  onjest,  and  I  should  say  the 
same  to  that  esteemabul  man,  Marshal  Kenaclay,  even  onder  the 
penalty  of  bein  ackommodated  with  lodgins  in  Sell  number 
Four  for  the  night.  The  North  doosent  rekwire  to  be  put  onder 

*  Livin  so  mutch  in  diplomatic  sirkils,  wun  gets  a  habit  of  usin  high-flown 
langwidge.  D.  V. 


A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER.          197 

marsliil  law  at  the  marcy  and  discreshiu  of  provost-marsbil's 
gards.  Howsever,  I  hope  to  get  the  President  uther  to  revoke 
the  order  or  to  eggsplain  it  away. 

In  the  meantime,  and  with  the  firm  bleef  that  the  price  of 
Libity  is  etarnul  vidgelans,  I  remain,  as  ushil, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER 


No.  LXIX. 

[Our  bold,  saucy,  irrepressible,  pithy,  pertinent,  piquant,  racy 
and  quaint  correspondent  opens  particularly  rich  in  the  following 
letter. — EDS.] 

ALEXANDRY,  Virginny,  October  3, 18C2. 
Eddytura  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

Ef  the  President  could  spar  me,  Ide  a  heep  rayther  be  fightin 
in  the  feeld  then  civilly  ernploid  here.  Howsever,  as  we  air 
hand  and  gluv,  and  he  leans  onto  me  as  a  disintrusted  frend,  I 
must  see  him  throo ;  tho  bobbin  around  in  these  red-tape  rejins 
doosen  soot  an  old  worrier  whoos  bizness  it  is  to  face  his  kcntry's 
foes  on  the  battle-plane  and  kiver  hisself  with  the  green  baize  of 
victry.  I  couldent,  you  no  (leastways  not  onably),  throw  up 
my  hand  and  leve  honest  Old  Abe  to  go  it  alone  agin  the  Artful 
Dodgers  as  is  continally  tryin  to  sarcumvent  him.  It  wouldent 
tell  well  in  histry ;  and  I  want  to  bequeeth  a  clean  rcckord  to 
my  bihographer.?,  and  go  down  to  the  futur  as  sumthin  better'n 
a  mere  stypendry. 

Noboddy  as  isent  behind  the  seens  ken  reelize  the  dance  His 
Eggsellency  is  led  by  woolves  in  sheep's  clolhin,  and  ef  it 
warnt  for  me,  thars  no  sayin  wot  orful  false  steps  he  mouglit  be 
inveggled  inter.  All  sorts  of  spurus  stuff  is  coined  by  party 
shysters,  in  order  to  put  him  on  a  rong  cent,  but  I  ken  smell  a 
rat  as  i'ar  as  the  next  man,  and  he  nose  it ;  consekently  he  ginolly 
relies  ou  me  for  the  truth  in  doutful  cases,  and  could  I  be  per- 
petally  at  his  side,  thar'd  be  no  dannger  of  his  niakin  enuy  foe 
pause. 

But,  a;3 1  internuited  in  my  last,  I  can't  allus  be  with  the  great 
and  good  Abraham,  altho  I  perfess  to  be  his  buzzuin  frend. 
Kernil  Hamilton  couldent  allus  be  with  the  Father  of  his  Ken- 
try,  you  no ;  and  I  stand  purty  much  iu  the  same  relashin  to 


198  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

Mr.  Lincoln  as  the  kernil  did  to  Ginral  Washington.  I  enjoy 
the  President's  wittyschisms  and  egerly  devour  his  wurds  of 
•wisdom,  but  nater  rekwires  short  intermisshins  for  refreshments, 
even  at  theayters,  and  sircusses,  and  nigger  pufforrnances,  and 
arter  a  pertracted  dialog  with  the  head  of  the  nashin,  full  of 
sourcasm  and  brilyant  subjestins,  its  a  wunderful  relief  to  spend 
a  day  or  so  in  the  Alezandry  horspittles,  skrapin  lint,  fixin 
bondages,  and  admenisterin  doses  of  muckory  and  ruebub. 

On  setch  ockashins,  sartain  pollytickle  letherheads  ushilly 
seeses  the  opportoonity  to  abuse  the  ears  and  thro  dust  in  the 
eyes  of  my  eggsalted  fiend.  Sum  of  this  preshus  set — pertickler 
pals  of  wun  dubble-faced  Jimmy  you  may  have  heerd  on — was 
all-cussed  near  gettin  him  to  keep  back  his  mansipashin  mana- 
fester,  arter  it  lied  ben  sot  up  and  red  in  the  galleys ;  but  provi- 
denshally  I  cum  in  from  a  ride  to  the  Chain  Bridge  jest  in  time 
to  snap  the  links  of  the  conspurracy,  and  save  four  millyuns  of 
blacks  from  the  blues.  I  predicate  they'll  never  hear  of  wot  I 
dun  for  em ;  but  ef  they  should,  they  needent  send  a  depitashin 
to  thank  me  ontil  the  wether's  cooler  and  the  wind's  nutherly. 
I  want  em  to  be  free,  the  Lord  nose ;  but  senst  it  hes  plesed 
Hevin  to  form  em  out  of  ebony  and  me  outer  plaster  of  parish, 
and  to  make  uther  essenshil  diffrences  atween  us,  Ide  a  leetle 
rayther  they  kep  thai-selves  to  tharselves.  Notwithstandin  the 
ties  of  flesh  and  bind  that  links  me  to  my  bruthers  in  bonds,  I 
wouldent  thro  a  straw  in  the  way  of  sendin  em  to  Haytie.  Setch 
also  is  the  sentamens  of  the  distingwished  lumberman  and 
logishin  who  is  desarvedly  the  idle  of  a  free  peeple.  Jest  afore 
he  started  on  Wensday  to  visit  Maclellin  at  Aunteatem,  we  fig- 
gerd  out  the  colornisashin  skeem  in  black  and  white,  and  found 
it  perfeckly  feesable,  ef  Congress  will  oney  make  the  nessaiy 
appropriashins.  Abe's  estimit  is  as  follers  : 

Provisions  and  clothin,  fewill,  and  cetera,  for 
4,000,000  collard  pussons,  while  arrangements  is 
making  to  ship  em  olf,  say  $50  each  ....  $200,000,000 

Outfit  for  vige  to  the  colorny,  purchis  of  land,  tools 
and  implyments  of  husbandry,  eggspens  of  trans- 
portashin,  and  supplies  for  400,000.000  collard 
pussons  ontil  the  craps  cums  in,  say  $800  each  .  1,200,000,000 

Total    .    .    . $1,400,000,000 

The  amount  is  not  hevy,  on  paper  (wotever  it  monght  be  in 
gold)-,  and  could  be  prented  off'  by  the  time  the  prcclamashin  is 
practickly  carrid  out,  and  rnebbe  afore,  at  little  rnor'n  the  cost 
of  press-wurk.  Let  us,  tharfore,  release  our  opprest  collard 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB.  199 

brethren  with  as  little  delay  as  possabul,  and  send  ein  forth  to 
thar  new  hum  with  the  kiss  of  peace,  trustin  to  thar  gratitoodto 
reimbuss  us  as  sun  as  they  becuin  a  grate  nashin.  Peeple  as  is 
inclined  to  make  mountins  of  molehills  may  objeck  to  the  out- 
lay, but  I  think  ef  Ossawartomy  Brown  was  alive  he  would 
cpproov  the  projeck.  The  plan  is  as  simpel  as  it  is  butiful.  Its 
oncy  to  conker  the  South,  raze  the  funds,  and  "  let  my  peeple 
go'. 

I  hinted  abuv  that  parties  was  alias  on  the  luckout  for  my 
abseus  from  the  White  House  to  take  advantidge  of  the  Presi- 
dent s  easy  dispersishin.  It  was  on  wun  of  those  ockashins  that 
Blare  got  his  sankshin  to  that  order  of  his'n  discreditin  all  the 
siled  P.  O.  stamps,  a  perseedin  that  in  my  opinyun  puts  the 
stamp  of  bad  faith  on  the  Department's  deelins  with  the  peeple. 
The  rich  mayn't  keer  about  bein  stuck  with  a  few  adhesivs, 
mebbe,  but  wot  I  luck  at  is  the  elfeck  on  the  poor  man's  plasters. 
Its  a  dirty  trick,  to  say  the  leest  of  it ;  enuff,  by  gum !  to  make 
the  faces  of  Washington  and  Franklin  blush  for  thar  persishin. 
Its  my  privit  opiuyun  that  cf  the  order  isent  recinderd,  thar  11 
be  a  vakincy  in  the  Cabnet  purty  recently. 

I  was  over  to  Ginral  Muclellin's  head-kwarters  at  Harper's 
Ferry  on  Thursday,  and  me  and  him  and  the  President  hed  a 
long  and  airnest  confab.  The  result  of  our  codgertashins  was, 
that  the  war  must  be  pusht  ahead  like  sixty.  Within  a  few  clays 
arter  this  epistol  reeches  you,  its  not  onlikely  a  bio  may  be 
struck  that  will  hev  an  electrick  eil'eck  on  the  kentry  as  far  as 
the  wires  eggstend. 

Hopin  you  will  keep  on  the  key  veeve  for  the  latest  noose,  I 
reinaue,  and  so  doos  the  venabul  Abraham, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER 


No.  LXX. 

[The  Disbanded  comes  nobly  to  the  rescue  of  his  friend  tJie 
President,  defending  him  most  gallantly  from  the  aspersions  of 
those  malignant  persons  who  represent  him  as  playing  a  double 
game  in  the  present  crisis.  He  also  gives  some  remarkable 
specimens  of  Mr.  Lincoln's  peculiar  vein  of  humor.  There  is 
one  great  merit  in  his  letters.  He  writes  veraciously,  never 


200  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

drawing  on  his  imagination  for  his  facts  as  so  many  newspaper 
correspondents  do. — EDS.] 

ALEXANDRY,  VIRGINNY,  October  10,  1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

Its  raytlier  amewsin  to  see  the  curryspondeuts  of  the  New 
Tork  daylies  pretendin  to  giv  the  President's  privit  yews  and 
sentimens,  when  they  hev  no  more  chanst  to  get  inter  his  konfi- 
dense  than  Dives  hed  to  lay  off  with  Lazyrus  in  Abraham's  buz- 
zum.  Thars  jest  wun  man,  and  no  more,  to  whoom  the  hole  of 
his  hart  is  laid  open,  and  to  wlioom  he  livers  his  opinyuns  on 
State  kwestins  according  to  the  varns  lights  in  wich  they  pres- 
ent tharselves  to  his  onderstandiu.  I  am  that  individyal.  You 
probly  red  in  childhood,  or  doorln  the  pecryud  of  addle  essence, 
the  story  of  Valentine's  fondness  for  Arson  and  vicey  versey. 
Well,  the  President  is  my  Valentine.  Correspondingly  I  am  his 
Arson.  He  looks  upon  me  as  his  warmest  frend,  and  never 
while  the  spark  of  life  glows  in  my  brest  shall  he  hev  resin  to 
think  utherwise.  line  sorry  to  say  he  is  mutch  traydooced  by  a 
pack  of  knaves,  who  pertencl  to  say  that  he's  playin  a  tricky 
game  with  all  parties.  Its  not  so.  He  may  be  vassalatin,  he 
may  hev  his  amabul  weaknesses,  his  backbone  may  be  rather 
over  soople,  he  may  be -too  mutch  gin  to  the  cherful  anakdoat, 
the  loodickrus  tale,  and  the  light  cannondrum,  but  his  intensions 
is  fust  rate — they  couldn't  be  fust  rater  ef  he  ockapied  a  manshin 
in  the  skies  insted  of  on  Pennsylvany  Avenoo.  I  no  wot  you 
will  say — namely  :  that  in  the  bottomless  pit,  the  street  commish- 
iners  use  good  intenshins  to  lay  the  sidewalks.  But  doos  that 
detrack  from  thar  merits  ?  Not  by  no  means.  You  mought  as 
well  denounce  postidge-stamps — the  oridgenal  purpose  of  witch 
was  good — bekase^they  hev  ben  emplied  improperly.  A  thing 
may  be  eggsellent  per  gee,  as  the  lawyers  say,  but  yet  not  turn 
out  for  the  best  by  a  darnd  sight. 

All  men  as  holds  high  places  is  liabul  to  be  salted  by  malig- 
nant backbiters.  It  is  the  natur  of  setch  critters  to  kick  at  whoo- 
sumdever  hes  a  seat  of  honor.  The  fust  nateralist  of  his  day 
was  orfully  abused  when  he  perclaimed  a  new  system  of  classi- 
fyin  animils,  and  so,  arter  all,  the  lustrus  >.  t  xtesmau  of  Illanoy 
oney  sheers  the  fate  of  the  Great  Buffoon.  But  enufi  of  this. 
Valentine  needs  no  defence  from  Arson.  His  ax  speaks  for  thar- 
selves. 

I  returnt  here  from  the  White  House  about  an  hour  ago  in  Mr. 
Lincoln's  bayrush,  arter  heving  ben  in  privit  consultaskin  with 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  201 

him  on  matters  of  the  highest  moment  for  uppards  of  forty  min- 
nits.  He  sent  for  me  eggpress  by  a  speshil  messenger,  and  on  ar- 
rivin,  axed  me  to  walk  inter  his  Cabnet,  wich  I  did,  and  he  imme- 
dientely  shet  the  door,  locked  it,  and  hung  his  Sketch  cloke  and 
cap  over  the  key-hole  to  pervent — as  he  sed  in  his  commie  way 
— enny  of  the  whnmin  fokes  from  Evesdroppin.  We  then  shuck 
hands  corjally  like  two  old  cumraids  as  we  air,  and  sot  down  to 
airnest  codgertashin.  In  less'n  ten  niinnits  we  decided  on  sar- 
tain  civil  and  milentary  changes,  witch  you  will  sun  see  an- 
nounced ofishally.  Ef  I  warn't  injoined  to  silence,  I  inought 
state,  prehaps,  that  thar  would  shortly  be  a  desjunkshin  of  the 
Cabnet,  but  as  it  is  I  say  nuthin.  Stanton's  adherents  would 
feel  bad  ef  they  knew  the  Presdent  warnt  inclined  to  stick  by 
him  enny  longer.  Mind,  I  dont  say  as  thar  acktilly  is  a  prospect 
of  the  Seckatry  of  War  bein  dropt ;  I  oney  say  ef.  The  frends 
of  Ginral  Banks  would  no  dout  like  to  see  him  in  Stanton's 
shoos  ;  but  ef  such  an  arrangement  was  on  foot — mind,  I  say  ef 
it  was  on  foot,  not  as  it  is — it  would  be  a  breech  of  coufidens  in 
me  to  mcnshin  it.  Tharfore,  as  an  onabul  man,  I  shall  keep 
dark,  and  merely  ventur  a  vaig  hop  that  the  resinabul  wishes  of 
the  nayshin  may  not  be  disappinted. 

Arter  we'd  finisht  up  on  Guverrnent  bizness,  my  cggsegga- 
tive  frend  releved  his  logical  mind,  as  ushil,  with  a  little  far- 
ceshy.  Handin  out  from  a  cubbard  a  bottle  of  the  essence  of 
Slungoheeler  (for  he  nose  I'm  parshil  to  that  tawny  and  tasty 
flewid),  he  axed  me  what  would  be  the  most  approprate  place  to 
expatiate  the  blacks  to. 

Thinkin  I  smelt  the  joak,  I  winked  my  wether  eye  and  sed 
"  to  Scenterall  America".  He  shuck  his  hed,  so  I  overhauld  my 
jografy  a  seckind  time,  and  thinkin  Ide  try  Europe,  I  sed  "  the 
Valley  of  the  Oder". 

Agin  he  signified  dissent — upon  witch  I  revarted  to  the  West- 
ern Hernisfear,  and  remarked  that  mebbe  the  Colorahdo  mought 
soot  our  colored  brethren  when  eggspelled  from  the  pale  of  civil- 
isashiu. 

Wunst  more  he  made  a  jester  in  the  niggertive,  upon  witch  I 
gin  it  up. 

He  then  eggsplaned  that  the  most  appropriate  place  to  expati- 
ate the  contrabands  to,  would  be  Mountanegro,  whar  they  would 
have  a  chanst  to  rise  in  the  world  and  would  be  within  conveeni- 
ent  distans  of  a  Sea  of  their  own  complexshin. 

I  remarkt  that  in  the  wurds  of  the  poick,  "  the  wurld  was  all 
afore  em  whar  to  choose",  but  I  hoped  Providence  wouldn't  gide 
9* 


202  WAE    LETTERS    OP 

em  ennywhars  ucar  my  diggens.    "  Afriky,"  ses  I,  "  is  thar  nate- 
ral  clime.    Thar,"  ses  I,  kwotin  poickry  agin, 

"  Thar  let  ern  blush  onseen, 
And  waste  thar  sweetness  on  the  desert  air." 

When  I  menshint  Afriky,  I  notist  that  A.  L.'s  left  eye  gin  a  pre- 
monitory twinkle,  and  as  sun's  Ide  finisht  speakin,  he  axed  me 
ef  I  know'd  what  kinder  teas  that  continent  perdooced.  Bern 
onabul  to  respond,  he  was  kind  enuff  to  inform  me  that  it  was 
famous  for  its  Congoes  and  its  Ashanteas.  I  told  him  that  ef  he 
hed  to  be  expatiated  to  a  furrin  land,  we  should  all  know  whar 
to  send  him.  He  cort  niy  meanin  direckly,  and  sed  he  sposed  to 
the  Punjawb.  Although  blunt  in  his  manners,  he's  all-amazin 
sharp  in  his  percepshins. 

Noticin  that  I  was  about  to  indulge  in  a  glass  of  whisky,  he 
inkwired,  with  his  pqliar  smild,  why  his  joaks  was  like  the 
licker  I  was  goin  to  swaller.  It  was  beyant  me,  and  I  sed  so, 
upon  witch  he  subjested  that  his  joaks  was  like  the  licker  I  was 
preparin  to  imbibe  bekase  they  was  pleasant-rye.  You  see  the 
pint  I  spose. 

"  But,  my  venabul  frend,"  ses  I,  arter  he  hed  got  off  the  last 
menshint  stunner,  "  dont  t  you  think  that  this  kinder  badinage  is 
onshootable  in  the  preset  momentuous  cry-sis." 

"  D.  V.,"  ses  he,  risin  from  his  cheer  and  ketchin  me  by  the 
button,  "  D.  V.,  you  put  me  in  mind  of  Wade,  the  cheerman  of 
Committee  on  the  Conduck  of  the  War.  Sun  arter  Pope  was 
druv  in  by  Lee,"  continned  the  President,  "  Wade  called  on  me 
and  wanted  to  hev  a  serus  tork  on  milentary  aifcirs.  Ses  I  to 
him :  '  Mr.  Wade,  you  remind  me  of  a  man  out  West  as  hed  a 
sellybrated  hoss — '  '  Thunder !  Mr.  President,'  shouted  Wade, 
interruptin  me,  '  this  ain't  a  time  for  you  to  tell  stud-hoss  stories  ! 
and,  by  Gosh !  I'm  not  the  man  to  listen  to  em !'  He  was  rushin 
out  mad  as  a  hornet,  but  I  called  him  back  and  got  his  dander 
down,  and  we  hed  a  reglar  offishal  palaver.  When  we  got  throo, 
ses  I  to  him :  'My  Buckeye  frend,  ef  wit  was  an  artickle  as  went 
by  the  pound,  I  gess  you'd  be  Wade  in  the  balance  and  found 
wantin.'  '  Yes,'  he  rejined  (the  sassy  cuss),  '  you'd  hev  the  ad- 
vantidge  of  me  thar,  Mr.  President,  for  your  joaks  is  a  leetle  the 
hevyest  as  ever  was  mannyfacterd.'  " 

As  his  Eggsellency  konclooded  the  foregoin  anakdoat,  I  jumpt 
from  my  seat,  shuck  hands  with  him  hurridly,  and,  cornplainin 
of  a  sudden  attact  of  rnon.il  insanity,  left  the  presence.  I  raaly 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  203 

bleve  ef  I  lied  remained  three  minnits  longer  I  should  never  agin 
have  ben  abel  to  remain,  in  a  loocid  condishin, 
Yours  alias, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LXXI. 

[The  countenance  and  friendship  of  the  great  is  not  without 
its  inconveniences.  We  see  by  a  passage  in  the  subjoined  letter 
from  our  correspondent  at  the  seat  of  Government,  that  in  con- 
sequence of  his  intimacy  with  the  President,  he  is  continually 
beset,  through  the  mails,  with  applications  to  use  his  influence 
with  that  distinguished  personage  in  futherance  of  the  private 
ends  of  mercenary  individuals.  Many  of  the  applications,  it 
seems,  are  accompanied  by  sums  of  money,  which,  we  are 
rejoiced  to  learn,  he  devotes  to  the  noblest  of  all  charitable 
objects,  the  liquidation  of  the  public  debt.  For  the  information 
of  the  ignorant,  we  deem  it  due  to  our  correspondent  to  say, 
that  he  has  never  been  in  Congress,  the  New  York  Board  of 
Aldermen,  or  any  of  the  Contract  Bureaux  of  the  Federal  Gov- 
ernment. It  is  therefore  fair  to  presume  that  he  is  a  gentleman, 
and  not  a  plundeim  )nger. — EDS.] 

ALEXANDRY,  VIRGINNY,  October  17, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

The  Cabuet  is  still  in  Statue  Co.  Practickly  thars  a  vakincy 
in  the  War  Department,  but  its  Head  will  not  be  remooved. 
Thar  air  complaints  of  delays  in  the  Navy  Department,  but  it  is 
doutful  wether  we  could  cure  these  ills,  by  ousting  Welles.  In 
the  State  Office  thars  so  very  little  dooing  jest  now  that  the 
Seckatry  ken  purshoo  his  privit  game  of  pollytickle  dubble- 
shuffle  without  detriment  to  the  publick  intrests,  and  the  port- 
foolyou  of  the  Inteeryur  is  in  purty  saift  hands.  A  man  of  a 
diflrent  stompt  to  Blare  mought  do  better  in  the  Post  Offiz  ;  but 
as  he  is  a  feller  of  considabul  gumshin  in  sum  respecks,  he  will 
be  aloud  for  a  while  to  stick  to  his  post.  Doorin  the  sickness  of 
Seckatry  Chase,  a  strong  effort  was  made  by  the  consarvative 
cleek  to  get  him  soopersedid ;  but  both  the  President  and  Me 
sot  our  faces  agea  it  in  toe-toe,  and  I  am  ortherized  to  say  thar 


204  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

will  be  no  change  in  the  Tresury  prevus  to  the  meetin  of  Con- 
gress. This  intelligens  I  persoom  Avill  he  satisfactory  to  all  as 
hev  finaushil  dealins  with  the  guverment,  and  will  probly  cause 
an  immcdient  rise  in  public  skeweritieg. 

My  worthy  conipaytryit,  the  inestimable  Abe,  is  mutch  con- 
Earned  at  the  uppard  tendency  of  gold.  Bein  as  it  is  the  rut  of 
all  evil,  he  naterally  sposed  that  its  byass  would  be  tuther  way. 
He  asked  rne  yestday  wether  it  would  stop  whar  it  was  or  con- 
tinny  on,  to  witch  I  replkle  that  it  warent  mutch  consckens,  as  it 
Jiecl  ben  for  sum  time  outer  sight. 

"  But  how  do  you  account  for  the  fbenonaman  ?"  ses  he. 

"  Wai,"  ses  I,  "  the  high  appressiashin  of  gold  is  caused  by  the 
low  depressiashin  of  paper." 

But  he  dident  see  it.  Also  he  dident  see  why  bekase  gold 
went  up,  flour,  and  coal,  and  bacon  and  uther  cumoddities 
should  go  up  likewise.  I  eggsplained  that  gold  was  the  stand- 
ard of  thar  valley,  and  that  cumoddities,  like  armies,  was  obli- 
gated to  foller  thar  standard.  Pie  nodded  a  cent  to  this  doctrin, 
and  remaned  for  sevral  minnits  in  deep  thort.  I  shouldent  be 
sprised  ef  he  was  studdyin  out  a  new  fiskal  sistem,  for  he 
remarkt  when  he  cum  to  that  "  a  stop  must  be  put  to  the  nessa- 
ries  of  life  follerin  in  the  track  of  gold,  like  guests  at  Niagara 
footin  it  arter  thar  gide  up  Biddle's  starcase."  He's  a  remarka- 
bul  man,  is  my  illustrus  frend,  and  it  wouldent  astonish  me 
enny  ef  he  was  to  subjest  to  Congress  setch  a  bankin  skecin  as 
would  render  the  millyuns  of  dolors  that's  ben  infested  in  the 
suppreshin  of  the  rebellyun,  as  sekewer  as  ef  evry  greenback 
was  in  Abraham's  buzzuin.  In  course  ef  he  hes  setch  an  idee,  the 
projeck  will  be  submitted  to  me  afore  its  submitted  to  the 
Assembeld  Wisdum,  and  I'll  take  keer  you  hev  the  outlines  in 
advance  of  any  flunkey  stealin  em  for  the  Herald. 

High  persishins  hes  thar  dror  backs.  The  fack  that  the  Presi- 
dent bleves  in  me,  and  as  solely  by  my  advice  senst  he  diskiv- 
ered  the  short  cummings  of  his  Cabnet,  is  givin  me  an  all- 
playgey  sight  of  trubble.  Grossly  flatterin  letters  from  polly- 
tishins  outer  eniplyment,  axing  me  to  say  a  good  word  for  em  to 
his  Eggsellency,  pores  in  at  the  rate  of  about  hafe  a  gross  a 
day.  Sum  contanes  demand  notes,  stiffcuts  of  deposit  and  setch. 
The  riters  eggspect  to  "condaminate  my  fingers  with  base 
bribes,"  as  was  simildarly  dun  with  Cashus  in  the  play.  Misabul 
raskils !  Darned  fools  too  ! — I  send  all  thar  "  soap"  to  the  Fust 
Awditer  of  the  Treshery,  to  help  wash  out  the  nayshinal  det. 
The  subjined,  witch  I  scleck  at  randum  from  a  batch  received 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  203 

to-day,  will  sarve  as  a  speciment  of  this  interestin  curryspond- 
ence: 

NEW  YORK,  Oct.  15th,  1862. 
To  THE  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER  : 

Honored  and  Hispected  Patriot: — Permit  a  constant  reader 
and  enthusiastic  admirer  of  your  graphic  and  eloquent  letters — 
which  are  equaled  by  few  and  excelled  by  none,  and  which,  if 
published  in  book  form  with  illustrations  oy  distinguished  art- 
isls,  and  properly  introduced  to  the  public  by  a  liberal  and 
enlightened  press,  would  create  a  sensation  unknown  since  tho 
days  of  Juuius — to  ask  your  kind  offices  with  the  President  to 
obtain  for  me  a  contract  for  the  removal  of  warts  from  the 
fingers  of  the  army  of  the  Potomac  during  the  present  and  ensu- 
ing season.  It  is  as  diilicult  for  the  soldier  troubled  with  warts 
to  handle  his  arms,  as  for  the  soldier  with  corns  to  handle  his 
feet.  Even  Dr.  Zacharic  must  admit  this.  I  have  suggested  a 
period  of  profound  repose  for  the  performance  of  the  operations, 
in  order  not  to  interfere  with  the  military  movements  which,  it 
is  understood,  are  expected  to  take  place — if  circumstances  are 
favorable — during  the  ensuing  summer.  My  idea  of  compensa- 
tion for  oblitcratin  the  excrescences  is  one  thousand  dollars  per 
hundred.  I  inclose  a  fifty  as  a  mark  of  my  esteem  for  your 
great  literary  talents,  and  with  the  remark  that  there  is  more 
where  that  comes  from,  I  remain,  with  profound  respect, 

Yours  ever,  A.  CAUTERY,  M.  D. 

P.  S. — Of  course  you  will  not  imagine  that  the  trifle  of  which 
I  ask  your  acceptance  as  a  tribute  to  genius,  has  any  bearing 
upon  the  frank  request  contained  in  this  letter.  Who  would 
ever  dream  of  offering  a  bribe  to  one  who  adds  to  the  prowess 
of  an  Alexander  the  virtue  of  a  Lucretia ! 

P.  S.  3d. — Do  not  suppose  that  in  paying  a  just  compliment  to 
your  transcendent  abilities  I  am  actuated  by  a  parasitical  desire 
to  flatter.  My  wife,  the  most  candid,  thoughtful,  and  simple- 
hearted  of  her  sex,  is  in  raptures  with  your  letters,  and  be 
assured  she  is  not  one  to  "  crook  the  pregnant  hinges  of  the 
knee,"  etc.,  etc.  She  requests  me  to  say  that  she  hopes  when 
you  visit  New  York  you  will  take  dinner  with  us  in  a  family 
way. 

Thar ! — did  you  ever  read  setch  sickenin  sickofancy  ?  And  I 
am  acktilly  in  the  reseat  of  kwires  of  the  same  sorter  stuff.  I 
want  these  fellers  sot  down.  I  want  em  to  onderstand  that  Ime 
a  sojer  and  a  gentman,  and  not  a  pollytickle  pimp.  Jest  say  so, 
ef  you  please,  in  a  conspeckuous  place  in  your  collumes. 

And  now  as  this  epistol  lies  ben  so  far  rayther  of  a  grave  kar- 
rickter,  I  will  wind  up  with  a  joak  that  my  frend  and  pitcher, 
the  Admirable  Abe,  got  olf  this  morniu  as  he  was  handin  me  a 
pinch  of  snuff. 

"  D.  V.,"  ses  he,  tappin  the  lid  of  the  box  that  contained  the 


200  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

pungent  mixter,  with  a  sourcastick  smild,  "  why  is  snuffln  like 
praying  ?" 

I  sirrenderd  without  an  effort,  upon  witch  he  indikated  that 
sniveling  was  like  prayin  bekase  it  brort  a  man  to  Ms  sneeze. 

On  refleckshin  you  will  diskiver  the  pint — but  it  takes  time  to 
see  it.    Leavin  the  larf  entirely  to  you,  when  you  find  out  whar 
it  cums  in,  I  remain  in  a  state  of  kullaps, 
Yours  alias, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LXXIL 

[We  recommend  the  subjoined  letter  from  our  trustworthy 
and  patriotic  correspondent  to  the  thoughtful  perusal  of  our 
readers.  It  is  at  once  grave  and  gay,  lively  and  severe.  Above 
all,  it  is  reliable.  At  a  time  when  it  is  but  too  clear  that  the 
majority  of  the  Washington  letter-writers  draw  exclusively 
upon  their  imaginations  for  their  facts,  the  simple  and  earnest 
truthfulness  of  our  venerable  friend  will  be  appreciated  by  the 
public.  It  has  been  proposed  to  us  by  several  prominent  citi- 
zens to  open  a  subscription  at  our  office,  for  the  purpose  of  pur- 
chasing a  farm,  or  a  church,  or  a  bank,  or  a  railroad,  or  some 
other  trifle  of  that  nature,  to  be  presented  to  the  Disbanded  as  a 
mark  of  the  high  esteem  in  which  his  disinterested  services  at 
the  seat  of  Government  are  held  by  the  citizens  of  New  York. 
In  his  name  we  thank  them ;  but  the  profiler  is  useless.  Simple 
in  his  habits  as  Diogenes,  and  exalted  in  his  virtue  as  Fabricius, 
he  has  steadily,  during  a  long  and  useful  life,  declined  all  such 
compliments. — EDS.] 

ALEXANDRY,  VIRGINNT,  October,  24, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

Mrs.  Ginral  Maclellin  is  onderstood  to  hev  left  the  army  of 
the  Potomac  bekase  she  found  it  too  kwiet,  and  Her  Eggsel- 
lency  Mrs.  Lincoln  hcs  gon  North  in  sairtch  of  a  littel  hulsum 
eggsightment  to  releve  the  mannotany  of  Washington  life. 
Solem  repose  rains  in  the  War  and  Navy  Department,  and 
barrin  the  Treshury,  where  the  Seckatry  is  continually  chased 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  207 

by  guverment  creditors  ankslius  to  raise  the  wind,  a  deliteful 
cam  prevales,  witch  peers  likely  to  last  ontil  the  vernal  equal- 
nocks.  It  is  sed  that  on  Mrs.  Lincoln's  return  to  the  seat  of 
Government  we  air  to  hev  a  coarse  of  theaytrickles  at  the  Presi- 
denshil  Pallas,  in  which  sevral  distingwisht  pursonages  will  take 
pairt.  In  a  peeryud  of  perfound  trankwillity  like  the  present, 
sum  littel  artifishal  steamalus  raaly  seems  rcckwisit.  The  fust 
peace  will  be  "A  New  Way  to  Pay  Old  Dets",  in  witch  Seckatry 
Blare  will  take  the  roll  of  Sir  Giles  Overreach,  the  princypal 
mail  carrickter,  a  tenayshus  old  feller,  who  delivers  his  remark  - 
abul  linanshil  news  to  the  awjence  in  an  incoherent  manner 
with  rnenny  stomps.  The  interlo/xl  is  to  be  Bamboastes  Furiosy, 
with  the  Seckatry  of  War  for  the  hero,  but  on  ackount  of  the 
present  skarsity  of  shoos  in  the  army  of  the  Potomac,  the  boots 
will  be  omitted.  The  hull  to  wind  up  with  Rip  Van  Winkle, 
in  witch  the  Seckatry  of  the  Navy  hes  kindly  consented  to 
enact  Rip,  and  it  is  thort  his  Sleepy  Holler  seen  will  be  wonder- 
fully troo  to  nater.  Instead  of  the  Flying  Dutchman  the  pint 
ship  Alabammer  will  be  interdooced  with  raal  fire.  The  Seck- 
atries  of  State  and  the  Tresliery  dekline  to  face  the  musick  as 
pufformers,  but  Mr.  Seward  will  act  as  stage  manager,  and  Mr. 
Chase  will  giv  out  the  checks.  As  the  army  is  eggspected  to  go 
inter  quarters  shortly,  thar  will  no  doubt  be  a  large  milentary 
attendance.  The  proceeds  is  to  be  infested  in  swoords  of  honor 
to  be  presented  to  the  princypul  struttygists  of  the  age. 

The  President  and  me  are  dooin  wot  we  ken  to  save  the 
Union,  but  as  he  trooly  obsarves,  its  like  the  labor  of  Sissy- 
fuss — a  fabalus  feller  as  is  engaged  in  the  uphill  work  of  rollin 
a  big  stun  up  a  mounting,  witch  is  continally  returnt  on  his 
hands,  so  that  it  mounts  to  nuthin  arter  all.  We  did  spose  that 
the  Seecesh  was  so  effeckshally  chawed  up  by  Uncle  Sam  at  the 
battle  of  Aunteatem  that  afore  the  winter  commenst  thar 
wouldent  be  a  grease  pot  left  on  em.  But  it  peers  the  misabul 
cusses  doosent  appreshiatc  a  lickin  ;  they  jest  take  it,  and  walk 
off  singin  "  Dixie",  leaviu  us  to  berry  thar  ded.  Sum  think  its 
takin  too  much  gunpowder  in  thar  rum  as  blinds  em  to  thar  own 
discomforter.  Ennyhow,  the  more  we  thrash  em  the  less  they 
seem  inclined  to  acknolledge  the  corn.  Decisive  victries  doos- 
ent help  us  a  might.  The  mane  difficulty  on  our  side  peers  to 
be  want  of  troops.  We  haint  got  mutch  over  three  huuderd 
thousand  men  in  Virginny  and  Merryland,  and  re-eniorcements 
oney  arrives  at  the  rate  of  three  thousand  a  day ;  consekently  it 
is  nessary  for  our  ginrals  to  stand  strickly  on  the  defensiv,  and 


203  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

use  the  utmost  precawshins  to  prevent  a  supprise,  and  gard  agen 
an  invasliin  of  the  North. 

Setch  is  the  opinyun  of  sum  of  our  leadin  milentary  stars ; 
altho  the  onclerstrappers  of  the  rank  and  file  doosent  agree  with 
the  shoulderstrappers  in  cuminand,  on  these  pints.  Onder  these 
delikit  suckemstances,  the  President  and  me  is  not  prepare!  to 
decide  the  kwestin  whether  the  rebels  ken  or  ken  not  be  sum- 
merally  disposed  of  afore  the  winter  sets  in.  In  the  meantime, 
we  reckymend  the  vox  populie  to  keep  cool  while  the  draft  is  in 
progress,  and  go  to  the  poles  in  November  with  the  fire  of  pay- 
tryitism  burnin  in  thar  harts,  and  a  firm  determinashin  to  play 
hob  with  the  enemees  of  the  Administrashin.  Conker  we  must 
in  the  eend.  It  is  oney  a  kwestin  of  time,  for,  as  the  poick  ses : 

"  A  shindy,  when  its  wunst  begun 
Bekweethed  from  rathy  sire  to  son, 
By  sumbocldy  is  allus  wun — 
Onless  both  parties  cut  and  run." 
Also — 

"  Truth  crusht  to  airth  her  legs  regains, 

The  everlastin  'ears  air  hers, 
But  ef  you  nock  out  Error's  brains, 
They're  of  no  more  use'n  a  grasshopper's." 

The  buv  kwoted  standsirs  is  by  the  upright  and  inspired  editor 
of  the  Evenin  Post,  and  peers  to  me  to  meet  the  case  eggsackly. 
I  no  peeple  call  him  an  abelishinest  bekase  he  admires  Uncle 
Tom's  Cabin,  and  rit  a  pome  called  "  Than-a-Topseys,"  but  he 
tells  hum  truths  in  black  and  white,  and  bein  sumthin  of  a  poick 
myself,  I  luck  upon  him  as  man  and  a  bruther." 

The  exemplery  Abraham  and  me  lies  hed  rayther  a  jolly  time 
senst  the  aruabul  and  eggsellent  lady  of  the  Manshin  hes  ben  on 
her  Nuthern  tower.  The  rnungoheeler  hes  ben  out  of  the  cor- 
ner cubbard  freckwently,  and  I  hev  drunk  her  helth  in  whiskey 
punch  doorin  her  absens  with  great  aciduity.  My  illustrus 
frend  hes  no  taste  for  punch,  so  I  allus  adjudycate  his  sheer  to 
myself,  and  I  find  the  dubble  doste  considerbully  lightens  the 
keers  of  state,  and  also  helps  me  to  comprehend  his  remarkabul 
cauuondrums.  When  a  man  sees  dubble  its  eesier  for  him  to 
see  inter  a  dubble-intender.  As  we  were  settin  in  his  sanktum 
last  eveuin,  discussin  the  properiety  of  sendin  out  wun  of  the 
fast  beef  boats  to  luck  arter  rebel  priviteers,  he  axed  me  Avhy 
Cappen  Semmses  vessel  was  shoor  to  cum  to  a  bad  eend.  I 
shuck  my  hed,  signifyin  it  beat  my  time,  upon  witch  he  remarkt 
that  Cappen  Semrnses  vessel  was  shoor  to  cuin  to  a  bad  eend 


A     DISBANDKD     VOLUNTEER.  209 

oekase  290  all  us  eended  in  naught.    He  also  pcrpounded  the  fol- 
lerin : 

"  Why  was  Semmses  cruze  arter  the  whaler  Ocraulgee  like 
the  story  of  the  Widder's  Cruze  ?" 

I  backed  down  agen,  when  he  informt  me  confidenshelly  that 
it  was  bekase  the  result  was  a  vessel  full  of  ile. 

Sum  may  call  this  flippant ;  but  I  find  it  plesant  to  hev  the 
dull  rootin  of  bizness  releved  by  setch  flashes  of  saytire. 

The  President  rekwests  me  to  say  sernmi-oiEshusly  that  we 
shall  save  the  kentry  atween  us,  ef  thars  enny  save  to  it,  and 
belevin  thats  its  in  us  to  do  it,  I  remain,  modestly, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LXXIH 

fin  the  following  letter  the  Disbanded  expresses  his  own 
views  in  his  own  way,  and  we  are  quite  willing  to  give  him  the 
opportunity  to  state  them ;  but  it  must  not  be  inferred  on  that 
account  that  we  entirely  agree  with  him. — EDS.] 

ALEXANDRY,  VIRGINNY,  October  30, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

The  Army  of  the  Potomac  lies  got  its  shoos  and  sum  peeple 
thinks  it  ougher  to  be  puttiu  its  best  foot  foremost.  Lee  and 
Lougstreet  air  retreatin,  and  ef  they  fool  away  thar  time  on  the 
road  to  Richmound  and  Maclellins  regaird  for  his  sojers  corns 
doosent  pervent  a  forced  march  in  thar  new  high-lows,  you  may 
andizzypate  a  fight  purty  recently.  But  as  new  lether  is  apt  to 
dror  the  feet  and  corn  salve  is  sed  to  be  gettin  skarse  in  the 
Union  ranks,  a  ginral  forrard  moovement  may  possably  be  post- 
ponied  until  arter  the  result  of  the  November  eleckshins  is 
known.  I  bleve  this  is  the  opinyun  of  Dr.  Zacharie  and  ulher 
imminent  shyrapidists,  and  they  oughter  no.  Wunclerful ! 
isent  it,  on  wot  seaming  trifuls  the  most  important  events 
depends.  In  Edin  it  was  frute  ;  in  Virginny  its  lether.  In  the 
meantime  a  Commishin  lies  ben  aprunted  to  report  on  a  plan  to 
put  AYashington  in  setch  a  state  of  defence  as  '11  pervent  its 
bein  tuck  by  storm.  Ef  we  kant  bag  llichmouud,  we  inusent 
let  the  owdashus  rebels  sack  the  Naysninal  Capital. 


210  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

The  war  peers  to  be  prosecuted  witli  vigger  in  the  lyal 
States.  By  way  of  stimulatin  the  paytryitism  of  the  Merry- 
landers,  kwite  a  number  of  Union  men  hev  ben  supprised  and 
made  prisners  in  the  streets  of  Bawltouiore.  Thar  offense  was 
a  new  speeches  of  Treason — of  which  fresh  varities,  liithertoo 
onknown,  is  developt  evry  day.  The  latest  stile  is  douting  the 
infallability  of  Major-Ginral  Wool ;  and  as  that  distingwished 
Trojan  lies  no  dout  on  the  subjeck  hisself,  he  has  siezecl  the 
douters  and  made  em  prisners  of  war.  It  is  not  troo,  howsever, 
that  he  lies  heel  his  milentary  hat  hung  on  the  oblesk  in  Mona- 
rnent  Squar,  and  rekwired  evry  citysin  to  stop  and  saloot  it, 
onder  pain  of  a  rest.  That  story  is  a  liebil,  got  up  by  sum  of 
the  high  old  seecesh  simperthisers  as  inhabits  that  lowcality. 

The  President  and  Me  doosent  altogether  approov  of  Ginral 
Wool's  perceedins ;  and  the  individyals  as  was  rash  enuff  to 
kwestin  his  capacity  will  be  payroled  to-day.  We  nuther  of  us 
agree  with  the  Seckatry  of  War,  as  to  the  best  method  of  puttin 
down  the  rebellyun.  He  goes  in  for  enforcin  rnarshil  lor  and 
makin  prisners  of  war  in  the  lyal  North ;  while  we  air  in  favor 
of  connnin  them  kinder  operashins  to  the  rebellyus  South. 
Howsever,  we  shell  let  him  hev  his  swing  ontil  the  suvrins  lies 
eggspressed  thar  vews,  nex  week,  at  the  poles.  Ef  they  side 
with  us,  he  will  probly  retire  from  public  life  to  that  cam 
obskewrity  witch  his  talents  and  his  virtoos  is  so  well  calldlated 
to  adorn.  Should  this  be  the  case,  I  shall  advise  the  President 
to  proclaim  a  ginral  jail  delivry  of  pollytickle  prisners  in  the 
Nuthern  cities,  and  the  re-establishment  of  the  Union  as  it  was, 
in  all  the  Free  States.  Ef  New  York  and  New  England  goes 
with  Pennsylvany,  Ohio  and  Indianny,  agin  the  suspension  of 
have  Ms  carcase  and  Provost  Marshils  and  setch,  the  Presi- 
dent will  consider  it  an  indicashin  that  the  masses  is  opposed  to 
Constitooshinal  Libty  on  the  Austrean  plan,  and  act  accord- 
inly.  My  illustrus  frend  ses  he  is  willin  to  be  gided  by  the  will 
of  the  peeple  as  spessifled  throo  the  ballot  box.  Tharfore,  Bully 
for  him !  Its  time  it  was  bully  for  him  ;  for  he's  ben  bullid  long 
enuff,  and  would  be  yet,  mebbe,  ef  it  warnt  for  me.  Not  as  I 
claim  enny  merit  on  that  ackoutit,  for  its  as  nateral  to  me  to  help 
the  weak  as  it  is  for  a  cluck  to  swim. 

In  the  absens  of  the  President's  amabul  consort  and  air  a 
parent,  I  am  more  with  him  than  ever,  and  in  lack  spend  as 
much  time  at  the  White  House  as  I  do  acrost  the  river.  The 
Cabnet  doosent  like  it  of  coarse,  and  the  Seckatry  of  War,  who 
is  remarkabul  for  his  tanassity  of  porpus,  wurks  agen  me  night 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  211 

and  day.  But  its  no  use.  A  donkey-engine  mought  as  well  try 
it  on  with  a  fust-class  high-presshur  locomotive.  I  hev  taken  a 
solem  oath  to  see  the  honest  paytrj'it  throo  the  crysis,  and  I'll 
stick  to  him  like  a  postage-stamp. 

We  tuck  a  drive  together  yestday  as  far  as  Bladensbug,  and 
renewed  our  vows  of  fidelity  on  the  road— fidelity  to  wun 
anuther,  the  emansipayshin  proclainashin,  and  the  Constitooshin. 
Espeshally  the  Constitooshin,  witch  we  red  over  as  we  went 
along,  in  order  to  hev  it  at  our  fingers  eends.  Cuniining  back 
over  the  slashes,  the  President  eggsprest  a  positiv  determinashin 

to  cut  the party.    The  space  I  hev  left  blank  was  reely  a 

blank  in  our  conversashin ;  his  eggslency  pausin  at  the  word 
"  the,"  and  winking  as  far  as  "  party."  I  may  state  confiden- 
shally,  howsever,  that  the  manner  in  witch  the  vakinsy  is  to  be 
filled  up,  depends  on  the  results  of  nex  weeks  eleckshins. 

Thars  considabul  bettin  here  on  the  Guvner's  tickets,  both  in 
your  State  and  Massachusetts.  Menny  air  ofierin  yaller  stamps 
to  blue  on  Seymour ;  and  on  the  uther  hand,  I  onderstand  the 
Honabul  Gid,  of  the  navy,  lies  sworn  never  to  cut  his  baird  or 
his  top-not  till  Wadsworth  is  inaugerated  at  Albany.  In  Bawl- 
tomore  the  odds  agen  Guvner  Andrews  is  an  octoroon  to  a  spool 
of  cotton. 

The  Members  of  the  Cabnet,  taken  as  a  boddy,  wears  a  wilted 
aspeck,  as  ef  they  dident  sleep  well  nights.  You  ken  see  sirkils 
round  thar  eyes  like  the  rings  round  the  planet  Satan,  oney 
redder  ;  and  Mr.  Chase  peers  to  hev  got  a  new  rinkle  evry  time 
I  meet  him.  The  President  is  screen.  By  my  advice  he  replies 
to  all  kwestins  from  his  constitooshinal  advisers  in  cannondrums 
and  pairables,  and  will  continny  to  do  so  ontil  the  will  of  the 
peeple  is  clarly  known.  Then  he  will  open  his  head  and  pro- 
claim a  new  proclamashin. 

With  three  cheers  for  the  Union,  the  Constitooshin,  free 
speech  and  a  free  press,  I  remain,  onder  sum  eggsightment, 

Yours  allus,  A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LXXTV. 

Our  correspondent  discusses  the  November  elections,  and  their 
probable  and  possible  consequence,  in  a  dry,  desultory  way. 
But  those  who  are  accustomed  to  his  eccentricities  of  style  will 
have  no  difficulty  in  understanding  his  drift. — EDS.] 


212  WAIi    LETTERS     OF 

ALEXANDRY,  VIRGIKNY,  November  7,  1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Hcrkary : 

Peers  to  ine  I  mensliint  in  my  last  epistol  that  the  President  hed 
interniated  a  detarminashin  to  cut  loose  from  wun  of  the  grate 
pollytickle  parties  as  divides  the  kentry ;  but  declined  takin  his 
chice  ontil  arter  the  New  York  eleckshin.  "Wai,  the  time  hes 
arrove  to  make  his  seleckshin,  hut  he  still  hangs  in  suspense, 
like  the  Sircoffergus  of  Mayhumit  atwixt  the  two  magnates  at 
Medinah.  In  .the  wurds  of  a  Greek  poick,  "  How  happy  could 
he  be  with  ether  were  tuther  deer  charmer  away''.  To  be  sure 
the  Empire  State  hes  skreenied  purty  loud,  and  Abelishiu  seems 
to  hev  founderd  in  a  white  squall  in  that  regin.  But  then  the 
Pilgrim  Commonwelth  hes  gin  the  Conservatives  a  black  mark, 
and  pintin  to  her  two  cradles  of  Libty,  Funnel  Hall  and  the 
Plymuth  Blarney  Stun,  she  continnees  to  go  for  Unkel  Sam  and 
Unkel  Tom,  wun  and  invincible.  Thars  a  cupple  of  depitashins 
on  here  at  present  on  the  nigger  bizness,  and  they  eenamost 
bullyrag  my  illustrus  frend  to  deth.  Wun  of  the  deligashins  is 
from  your  sitly,  tuther  from  Bosting,  and  they  take  thar  turns  at 
his  Eggselleucy,  ride  and  tic.  The  New  York  consarn  wants 
the  Cabnet  smasht,  the  gentmen  from  the  Modern  Aythens 
doosent.  Strange  to  say,  Messrs.  Seward,  Stanton,  Chase,  Welles, 
Smith,  and  Blare  goinsides  with  the  gentmen  from  the  Modern 
Aythens.  I  onderstand,  on  the  uther  hand,  that  sum  of  the  leadin 
Democrats  in  your  sitty  is  willin  to  forego  the  frutes  of  thar  late 
suckcess  in  order  to  help  the  President  outer  his  diffickulties. 
Feruandy  Wood  is  reddy  to  throw  up  his  seat  in  Congress  ef  his 
well-known  finanshil  talons  is  needed  in  the  Treshury ;  and 
Benjamin,  his  paytryit  bruther,  would  be  ekwilly  magnannyrnous, 
ef  wanted  in  the  Navy  Department — whar  his  frends  think  his 
long  eggsperience  in  the  distribushin  of  -prizes  mought  be  ben- 
nyh'shal  to  the  sarvis.  line  not  a  Democrat  myself,  but  oney  a 
pollytishin  at  large,  as  votes  on  prenceple ;  but  I  kant  help 
rcgardin  them  two  nobul  bruthers  with  unsofisiicated  aamirashin, 
and  I  congratlate  the  comniershill  emporium,  throo  your  col- 
luuies,  on  heving  put  em  throo.  Ginral  Wallbridge  is  a  frend 
of  rniiie.  I  regaird  him  as  a  brick  and  a  bruther ;  and  ef  enny 
man  of  smaller  calibeer  than  B.  Wood  hed  beaten  him,  I  should 
hev  felt  bad  ;  but  Wood  was  formed  by  uater  for  a  poplar  idle, 
and  I  sed  so  years  ago,  when  he  was  oney  a  little  shaver. 

Torkin  of  poplar  idles,  I  spose  an  adinirin  and  confidin  nashin 
eggspecks  the  modern  Father  of  his  Kentry  to  take  sum  decided 
meshers  in  consekens  of  the  late  eleckshins.  Let  the  kentry 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  213 

keep  cool.  Its  devoted  Father  is  at  present  in  cawcuss  with  his- 
self  and  Me,  and  we  hevent  yet  taken  a  vote  on  the  kwestins  at 
issoo.  We  want  to  do  things  up  as  smooth  as  possabul.  Wots 
the  use  of  hevin  an  all-wully  row  in  the  ranch,  ef  we  ken  arrive 
at  the  desired  eend  without  a  shindy  ?  We  lied  en  intereslin 
conversashin  on  the  subjeck  this  mcrnin,  hed  the  layter  Fatty 
and  Me.  Ses  lie  : 

"  D.  V.,  mehbe  Stanton  '11  abdikate." 

"  Honerd  rooler  of  an  enlitend  peeple,"  ses  I,  "  did  you  ever 
hunt  possums  ?" 

He  nodded  aguessence.  . 

"Bekase  ef  you  hev,"  I  continned,  "you  must  hev  notist  that 
the  critters  amayzin  tenayshus  of  his  holt.  I  wunst  treed  wun 
up  a  big  persimmon,  whar  he  sot  perched  at  his  ees,  devourin 
the  goldin  I'rute  in  fancid  sekewrity.  I  shuck  that  persimmon 
ontil  the  persperashin  pored  off  me  at  evry  jerk  like  water 
from  a  shower  bath.  Wun  by  wun  the  vai mint's  limbs  giu  out 
ondcr  Ihe  shocks,  till  £ nerly  he  hung  by  a  single  leg,  and  Ithort 
I  hed  him.  I  made  anuther  grand  effort,  and  shuck  that  leg  off 
too,  when  darn  my  pictcr  ef  lie  dident  ketch  onto  a  branch  by 
his  tail,  and  thar  he  swung  and  grinned  at  me !  Its  rny  bleef 
that  an  airthquake  woukleut  hev  shuck  down  that  possum." 

"  Wai,"  ses  the  gifted  Abe,  with  a,  moanful  attempt  at  jokelar- 
ity,  "I  spose  you  suuimond  a  possum  cemmitatua  of  neybers  to 
help  you  shake." 

"  Nary  commitatus"  I  replide. 

"  Wot  did  you  do  then  ?"  he  axed,  impayshently. 

"  Wai,"  ses  I,  significantly,  "  I  jest  cut  the  tree  from  onder  the 
possum  !" 

But  we  shant  take  that  coarse  with  the  pollytickle  possums  in 
the  Cabnet  persimmon  tree  ontil  milder  meens  hes  ben  eggsaust- 
ed.  At  present  we  air  tryin  to  cokes  ern  down  with  teinptin 
tid-bits,  setch  as  Rushin  and  Brittish  plcnipenitentiaryships, 
Supreme  Courtships,  and  cetery,  but  they  continny  to  hold  on  to 
thar  elevated  persishins,  aperiently  considerin  a  berth  in  hand 
wurth  two  in  prospeck.  I  wunst  hecrd  a  lecterer  on  nateral 
fillosofy  say  thar  was  a  wunderful  prenceple  in  nater  called  the 
Attrackshin  of  Coheshin.  Gess  it  pervales  to  a  norinus  degree 
in  Cabnet  oiFsirs. 

Ef  the  present  incumbrants  was  oney  outer  the  way,  the 
President  and  Me  could  fill  thar  places  in  hafe  an  hour.  Our 
programmy  is  allreddy  drord  out,  and  contanes  the  very  best  the 
market  affords.  The  bill  of  fare  consests  of  Dix,  Holt,  Banks, 


214  WAB    LETTEKS     OF 

Reverdy  Jonson,  Governor  Morton,  and  a  few  more  of  the  same 
sort,  and  in  order  to  avide  invidius  distinkshins,  we  prepose  to 
let  em  raffle  for  cbice  of  offises.  It  is  thort  by  sum  (but  not  by 
me)  that  the  present  heads  of  departments  will  drap  gracefully 
from  thar  places  afore  Congress  meets.  Most  sartainly,  ef  they 
don't,  the  tree  onghter  be  cut  from  onder  em.  The  President  is 
payshent — so  am  I ;  but  thar  air  limicks  to  human  eganimity ; 
and  ef  the  Cabnet  won't  resign,  we  may  hev  to  put  em  out  in 
the  cold. 

In  spite  of  thar  corns,  aggravated  by  the  new  brogans,  the 
unconkerable  legions  of  the  Union  qontinnees  to  advance  hi  a 
pairallel  line  with  the  countless  hosts  of  the  ragged  and  ravenus 
foe ;  but  as  pairallel  lines  never  meets,  no  collushin  is  likely  to 
occur  from  this  splended  strategic  moovment,  witch  will  no 
dout  eggsite  the  wunder  and  admirashin  of  Europe.  Whenever 
ether  party  make  a  tack  tords  tuther,  thar'll  be  a  fight  or  a  foot 
race;  but  wether  setch  an  act  of  desperashin  will  ever  take 
place,  is  at  present  an  open  kwestin  with 
Yours  alias. 

A  DISBAKDED  VOLUNTEER 


No.  LXXV. 

[That  fine  flow  of  animal  spirits  which  usually  characterizes 
the  lucubrations  of  the  "  Disbanded",  will  be  looked  for  in  vain 
in  the  following  letter.  Our  correspondent's  confidence  in  his 
influence  over  Mr.  Lincoln  seems  to  be  somewhat  on  the  wane ; 
but,  like  a  true  friend,  he  is  resolved  to  stick  to  him  as  long  as 
there  is  a  hope  left  that  his  aid  and  counsel  may  be  useful. — EDS.] 

ALEXANDKY,  VIKGINNY,  November  14, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Herkary  : 

Giding  a  President  as  is  beseeged  without  enny  let  up  wotsum- 
dever,  by  the  all-hungryest,  all-selfishest,  all-sassiest  drove  or 
pollytickle  intriggers  that  ever  besot  an  onest  rooler,  is,  upon 
the  hull,  rayther  an  aggernizin  amewsment.  I  hev  lost  uppards 
of  twenty  pounds  of  flesh  senst  I  threw  the  wait  of  my  inflew- 
ence  inter  the  eggseggative  scale.  And  arter  all  it  may  be  as  I 
hev  fretted  and  swelled  in  vane.  I  wunst  red  in  a  little  buck 
called  Lacon — rit,  ef  I  am  not  mistakin,  by  Prenliss  of  the  Louis- 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  215 

vil  Jmz#— that  grate  men  was  like  torches  as  consoomed  thar- 
selvcs  to  enlitcn  mankind.  But  wots  the  use  of  consoomin 
yerself  ef  it  all  eends  in  smoke  ?  I  don't  see  as  the  seeds  of 
wisdum  I  drap  coniinally  inter  my  distingwished  pupil's  ears 
perdooces  mutch  of  a  crop.  Not  as  1  ineeu  to  insinawait  that 
they  fall  on  barrin  sile,  but  Ime  al'eard  the  tares  and  thorns  and 
blamed  parisitickle  plants  of  this  cussed  pollytickle  jungle  chokes 
em  down,  and  spiles  the  prospeck  of  a  hulsum  harvest.  Eena- 
most  all  the  iudividyals  as  gains  axess  to  the  President  hes  axes 
to  sharpin,  and  menny  of  the  old  party  hacks  suckseeds  in  per- 
swaclin  him  that  thar  idees  is  fust  chop  for  the  Union,  when  thar 
oney  objeck  is  to  block  out  sumthin  cumfurtabul  for  tharselves. 
On  this  ackount,  I  want  to  set  myself  right  with  my  kentrymen 
throo  your  collumes.  Standin  in  the  persishin  I  do  afore  the 
nashin,  my  head  allreddy  kiverd  with  silvery  fibers,  and  egg- 
spectin  to  bequeeth  the  fabric  of  my  fame  to  the  futur  as  a  hair- 
loom  from  witch  poicks  and  hisstoryuns  will  weave  thar  morril 
tails  and  narrativs  in  prose  and  verse,  I  kant  afford  to  be  held 
responsabul  for  all  the  misstakes  of  my  paytriarkal  freud  and 
cotrumpery.  Not  as  I  distrust  for  a  moment  his  good  inten- 
shins ;  but  his  hart  is  salt,  and  his  venuabul  head  symperthises 
with  it. 

Ses  I  to  his  Eggslensy,  immediently  arter  the  New  York 
eleckshin :  We  must  smash  the  Cabnet  (bear  in  mind,  I  sed  the 
Cabnet,  not  the  Constttooshin),  and  reconstruct  He  smiled  in 
the  affirmative.  Ses  I,  in  continiashin,  the  Onterrified  hes  nockt 
the  inancipayshinests  cold,  and  bein  masters  of  the  sitiwation, 
they  hev  a  right  to  be  represented  in  offis.  He  agreed  to  the 
observashin  with  a  wink.  Besides,  ses  I,  the  fienanshil  meshurs 
of  the  Administrashin  doosent  soot  the  publick.  and  evry  boddy 
is  as  mad  as  hornets  at  bein  stuck  with  Blare's  all-cussed  sticldn 
plasters.  He  nodded  a  cent  to  the  propersishin,  and  added  that 
he  hed  allus  looked  on  Blare  as  a  square-dealin  man  ;  but  ef  he 
was  of  a  diffrent  stomp,  he  wouldent  adhere  to  him  enn}r  longer. 
Finer! y,  we  agreed  to  ship  the  hull  boodle  of  Constitooshinal 
advisers,  find  emply  a  new  set,  whoos  names  I  gin  you  in  my 
last  epistol  1  sposed  it  was  all  setteld  ;  but  a  passel  of  ultree- 
Abelishiniots  got  around  my  nobul  paytrun,  and  wurried  him 
until  his  spinal  collume  began  to  saften.  Fust,  he  consented  to 
hev  Maclellin  remooved.  I  dont  say  wether  he  was  right  or 
rong ;  but  I  do  say,  the  Ihing  warnt  dun  in  the  right  way.  The 
act  was  too  suddent.  It  lucked  too  mutch  like  party  sperrit ; 
and  thar  warn't  suffishent  resins  nssined  for  it.  I  told  the  Presi- 


216  "WAR     LETTERS     OP 

dent  so  to  his  face — for  Ime  squar  as  a,  brick,  and  kocr  np  more 
for  party  pollyticks  than  I  do  for  Jo  Smith's  Goldin  Bible.  But 
he  only  sruggei  his  sholders,  as  inutch  as  to  say,  needs  must 
wen  the  devil  drives.  Translatin  the  rnoovinent  en  that,  light,  I 
couldent  help  sayin  that  I  wisht  we  hed  a  Cheef  lladgistrit  as 
keered  nuther  for  man  nor  devil  when  he  thought  he  was  O.  K. 

Then  I  axed  him  about  changin  the  Cabnet ;  and  it  peered 
from  wot  he  sed,  that  ef  the  present  incumbrants  was  sacked,  he 
would  hev  to  put  the  bluest  kinder  hull-hog  mansipayshinists  in 
thar  places.  I  wanted  to  know  why  our  oridjinal  programmy 
couldent  be  carrid  out.  Upon  witch,  he  gin  anuther  hitch  to  his 
sholders,  as  ef  to  intermate  that  the  outside  preshur  onto  him 
was  too  great.  Then  I  venterd  to  hint  that  even  in  down-trod- 
den England,  when  the  peeple  vofed  agin  the  administrashin, 
the  ministers  resined,  and  a  batch  with  vews  direckly  oppersit 
stept  inter  thar  boots.  He  replid  >  that  he  had  hinted  as  inutch 
to  the  constitooshinal  advisers,  but  they  indignantly  remarkt 
that  Great  Briton  was  our  nateral  enemee,  and  it  would  be 
degradin  to  the  American  carrickter  to  foller  Brittish  presidents 
anci  eggsamples. 

I  lain  from  the  papers — for  Ime  not  on  speakin  terms  with  the 
War  Department — that  sirnontanusly  with.  Maclellin's  remooval, 
Freemount  was  orderd  to  report  for  dooty.  I  should  a  thort 
we'd  hed  enuff  of  that  milentary  failur  in  Missoora  and  the 
mountin  department  of  Virginny ;  but  I  reckin  Stanton's  goin  to 
giv  him  and  that  sellybrated  boddy-gard  of  his'n  anuther  chanst. 
Wun  thing's  sartain,  namely :  ef  thar  charges  doosent  hev 
mutch  effeck  on  the  enemee,  they  will  on  the  treshury.  A  more 
weak  and  evnbezzele  act  than  the  revival  of  Freemount  &  Co.  I 
never  heerd  on.  I  gin  the  amabul  Abraham  my  opinyun  on  the 
subjeck,  and  told  him  that  I  considerd  it  would  be  a  radical 
error  to  put  the  Pathfinder  on  the  war  path  onder  present  suck- 
emstances  ;  to  witch  he  replide,  with  a  farseeshus  twinkel  of  his 
commie  eye,  that  radical  errors  was  so  cornmun  that  wun  or 
two  more  or  less  would  skarsly  be  notist.  This  mornin  I 
inkwired  of  him  ef  enny  ondertakin  for  overtakin  the  pirit 
Serames  was  onder  way ;  to  witch  he  responded  by  makin  a 
jester  with  his  right  thum  over  his  left  sholder ;  so  I  spose  that 
godless  buckunear  will  continny  to  pray  upon  our  commerce 
onmislested.  As  to  the  vessels  that  hes  ben  dispatched  to  ketch 
him  so  far,  its  ben  purty  mutch  like  senclin  tubs  arter  a  whale. 

Alltogether,  I  feel  discurridged,  and  hev  hed  sum  thorts  of 
Icavin  the  Father  of  his  Kentry  to  row  his  hoe  by  hisself.  But 


A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER.          217 

tbar's  so  mutch  good  inter  him,  I  dont  like  to  do  it.    Mebbe 
he  11  straiten  hisself  arter  a  TV'hile,  and,  with  my  assistance,  giv 
the  pickthanks  as  besets  him  a  lofty  fall.    Hopiii  setch  may  he 
the  case,  I  reinane,  constitooshinally, 
Yours  all  us, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.   LXXVI. 

[It  is  a  pleasant  tribute  to  the  straightforward  honesty  of  pur- 
pose which  chaiacterizes  our  veteran  correspondent,  that  he 
should  have  been  consulted  by  the  President  as  to  the  tenor  of 
the  Message.  His  allusion  to  the  matter  in  the  following  com- 
munication is  marked  by  the  modesty  with  which  he  always 
speaks  of  himself. — EDS.] 

ALEXANDRY,  VIRGINNY,  November  21, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

The  Prence  de  John  Veals  refieckshins  on  the  conclude  of  the 
war,  translated  from  the  French  langwidge,  hes  perdooced kwite 
a  sensashin  here.  My  paytryotic  paytrun,  the  President,  told 
me  yestday  in  a  confidensb.il  way,  with  a  rizzable  eggspreshin  in 
his  high  old  classick  visedge,  that  he  was  glad  to  see  John  Veal 
was  more  inklined  to  do  us  justis  than  John  Bull.  But  the 
administrashin  ginally  doosent  like  the  fooliton  of  the  Prence, 
thar  prenceple  objeckshin  bein  that  it  hints  at  a  dispersishin  on 
thar  parts  to  fool  it  on  the  ockashin  of  Maclellin's  late  advance 
acrost  the  Peninslur. 

Honabul  Charles  A.  Daney,  who  was  regarlarly  brort  up  to 
the  milentary  perfeshin  in  the  Triboon  offls,  and  hes  jest  ben 
appinted  Depity  Seckatry  of  War  on  that  ackount,  is  perfeckly 
disgusted  with  the  Prence's  stricters.  He  is  sed  to  be  preparin 
an  anser  witch  will  ockapy  three  to  four  thousand  foolio  pages, 
and  may  possably  appeer  arter  the  conclushin  of  the  war,  as  a 
secquill  to  the  New  American  Ensicklypedy.  Mr.  Daney  hes  a 
fine  milentary  mind  and  considabul  baird.  His  wurk  will  go 
down  to  posteriority.  It  was  his  rnisfortin  to  leve  the  Triboon, 
bekase  his  attacts  on  Maclellin  was  rayther  too  loud  for  the 
responsabul  eddytur ;  but  that  is  no  disporridgeuient  to  his  merits 
in  the  eyes  of  most  of  the  Cabnet. 
10 


218  WAR    LETTEKS     OF 

Ginral  Freeinount  ties  ben  on  here,  and  hes^iad  sevral  privit 
intervews  with  the  distinguished  Constitooshinal  Adviser  at  the 
head  of  the  War  Department.  Report  ses  he  js  to  sooperintend 
the  ereckshin  of  fortyficashins  on  Coney  Island,  and  uther  cnra- 
mandin  pints  at  the  entrance  to  your  harbor,  for  witch  Congress 
is  eggspected  to  appropriate  a  few  millyuns  of  the  large  surplush 
at  present  remainin  in  the  Nayshinal  Treshery.  Ginral  Free- 
mount  is  formed  by  nater  and  eggsperience  for  this  importent 
trust.  Bildin  is  his  fort.  See  wot  he  dun  in  the  Southwest ! 

I  lam,  sernmi-offishusly,  that  the  Hoiiabul  Giddyun"(familyarly 
known  as  the  Ainsheut  Marriner  and  the  Old  Man  of  the  Sea) 
entertains  a  lively  bleef  that  the  pirit  steamer  Alabammer  will 
be  tuck  in  a  few  days.  Hes  the  Vanderbilt,  witch  hes  ben  layin 
in  wait  for  her  at  New  York  so  long,  started  in  pershoot ;  and  is 
that  the  ground  of  his  andizzypashins  ?  Ever  senst  Sernmes 
sent  wurd  by  a  capterd  skipper,  that  as  sun  as  his  pressin  engage- 
ments left  him  leeshur  for  reckreashin  he  ment  to4steam  up  throo 
the  Narrers,  and  pitch  a  few  shells  from  his  hunderd-pounder  at 
Trinity  Church  and  the  City  Hall,  the  Seckatry  of  the  Navy  hes 
ben  on  the  luckout  for  him  in  that  kwarter.  Feelin  bitter  at  the 
disappintment  of  his  hops,  and  becummin  sensabul  that  it  was 
no  use  keepin  the  swiftest  steamer  in  the  wurld  at  anker  in  the 
North  River  to  entrap  the  bold  buckunear,  he  hes  probly  sent 
her  out  cruzin  in  the  lower  bay,  whar  she  will  no  doubt  giv  a 
good  ackount  of  the  privitear  when  she  cums  acrost  it. 

It  is  rummerd  here  that  the  Houabul  Giddyun  hes  changed 
his  vews  in  regaird  to  Stevenses  Battery,  and  that  that  remark- 
abul  wurk  of  art  is  to  be  linisht  without  delay  and  sent  up  the 
Conneticut  River  to  defend  the  City  of  Hartford,  witch,  in  con- 
sekens  of  its  hevin  ben  formally  the  residens  of  the  Seckatry 
of  the  Navy,  and  the  place  whar  his  marrytime  genus  was  devel- 
opt  and  matoored,  is  sposed  to  be  markt  out  for  speshil  vengens 
by  the  owdayshus  Sernmes.  It  is  a  butiful  trait  in  the  carrickter 
of  Mr.  Welles  that  he  is  thus  regairdful  of  the  place  whar  his 
risin  talons  was  fosterd,  and  that  his  promoshin  from  the  mail 
sarvice  to  the  manidgernent  of  the  reglar  Navy  hesent  interfeerd 
with  his  hum  assosiashins. 

The  Constitooshinal  Advisers,  as  a  ginral  thing,  is  purty  bizzy 
makin  reddy  for  the  meetin  of  Congress.  Seckatry  Chase — 
when  not  onavideably  engaged  in  shinning  for  small  loans — is 
industrusly  implide  in  figgerin  out  his  Annual  Report.  It  will 
be  an  abel  argament  in  faver  of  the  idee  that  a  currency  cum- 
posed  eggscloosively  of  rags,  lampblack  and  sap  green  is  prefer- 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  219 

abul  on  ackovtnt  of  its  buty,  porterbility,  and  the  email  cost  of 
produckshin,  to  the  preshus  trash,  grubbed  at  setch  a  norinus 
eggspense  outer  the  bowels  of  the  airth,  for  finanshil  porpuses. 
It  is  sed  by  Mr.  Chase's  frends  that  he  will  make  this  so  clar 
that  all  the  banks  will  immedicntly  see  it  and  return  at  wunst  to 
speshee  payments,  with  the  objeck  of  gettin  rid  of  thar  gold  and 
silver  as  a  useless  incumbrence.  Mr.  Chase  is  a  nice  man  for  a 
small  party — the  ultra  abelishin  party,  frinstance. 

The  President  and  me  hes  ben  a  good  deal  together  lately. 
"We  air  fixin  up  the  Messidge.  It  will  be  a  dockyment  of  sum 
lenth ;  fur  a  state  paper,  the  consekenses  of  witch  air  eggspected 
to  reech  far  inter  the  futur,  kant  be  skweedged  inter  a  nutshell. 
Still,  we  intend,  ef  possabul,  to  keep  it  down  to  sevin  or  eight 
columes ;  but  it  may  reech  nine  or  ten.  Thars  oney  wun  thing 
cunsarnin  the  Messidge  that  me  and  my  lofty-minded  coadjew- 
ter  doosent  agree  about.  He  wants  to  take  all  the  responsability 
of  the  dooins  of  the  Constitooshinal  Advisers  onto  his  own 
sholders,  while  my  advice  is  to  let  all  offishal  tubs  stand  on  thar 
own  bottums.  We  shell  crack  up  the  mancipayshin  projeck,  and 
giv  anuther  corjal  invitashin  to  the  Rebel  States  to  lay  clown 
thar  arms,  hyst  the  Flag  of  the  Free,  and  save  thar  niggers. 
The  colornizashin  skeern  will  also .  be  agin  tutched  upon  ;  for 
when  it  cums  to  capterin  fore  hunderd  waggin-loads  of  "  a  man 
and  a  bruther"  at  wun  hawl,  it  becums  nesessary,  in  the  coarse 
of  human  events,  to  consider  serusly  wot  is  to  be  dun  with  fore 
millyuns  of  our  cullerd  feller-men  and  relashins,  ef  they  should 
happin  to  be  thrown  on  our  hands  in  a  lump,  by  the  conkwest 
of  the  South. 

We  shell  keep  the  Messidge  open  to  the  last  moment,  in  case 
the  capter  of  Richmound  or  the  Alabammer,  or  enny  uther  great 
event,  setch  as  the  army  goin  inter  winter-kwarters,  frinstance, 
should  curn  off  at  the  leventh  hour.  I  could  tell  you  menny 
astonishin  things  in  relashin  to  pollytickle  matters  here  ;  but  it 
would  be  a  breech  of  confidens.  I  may  obsarve,  howsever,  that 
a  crysis  is  eminent. 

Onder  the  seal  of  sckresy, 

Yours  allus,  A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LXXVH. 


[On  the  eve  of  the  opening  of  Congress,  it  is  a  great  satisfac- 
tion to  be  able  to  give  our  readers  an  inkling  of  the  probable 


220  WAB    LETTERS     OP 

tenor  of  the  official  communications  about  to  be  made  to  that 
body.  Our  correspondent,  without  violating  the  confidence  re- 
posed in  him  by  the  President,  furnishes  a  hint  or  two  about  the 
Message  which  may  serve  to  allay  the  horrors  of  suspense  until 
the  momentous  document  appears. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  November  28, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

Washingtin  is  fillin  up  faster'n  a  Philadelfy  Stashin-house 
arter  a  firemen's  fight.  Publick  pickpockits  and  pollytickle  in- 
cindcries  is  as  thick  as  flies  hi  a  molasses  cask  and  twiste  as 
lively.  The  swell  mob  of  corntractors  as  hev  made  thar  piles, 
with  thar  fammalies  rigged  out  arter  the  latist  Payris  fashin 
plates,  and  jeweld  up  to  the  nines,  is  dooin  the  peacock  and  but- 
terfly bizness  to  an  eggstent  that  takes  the  shine  outer  all  the 
furrin  Plenipenitentiaries  and  thar  soots  ;  and  a  new  set  of  pay- 
tryotic  Jeremy  Diddlers,  as  hungry  as  seventeen  year  lowcusses 
as  hes  jest  chipt  thar  shells,  is  huverin  around  the  publick 
offisis  in  hops  of  rnakin  a  raid  on  the  greenbacks.  Judgin  from 
the  morril  aspeck  of  the  majority  of  the  kumpany  arrivin,  I 
should  say  we  air  likely  to  hev  a  high  old  swindlin  scsshin.  Ef 
the  nashin  is  saved,  it  will  be  regairdless  of  eggspense.  It  is 
curius,  but  true,  that  the  biggest  theeves  hes  the  most  to  say 
about  presarving  the  integrity  of  the  Union. 

You  will  hev  lamed  afore  this  reeches  you  that  me  and  the 
President  hes  ben  rayther  too  mutch  for  the  Seckatry  of  War. 
When  I  writ  last,  I  lied  jest  receeved  a  note  from  a  frend  in  the 
war  offis  statin  that  the  Honabul  C.  A.  Daney,  late  professor  of 
rnilentary  literatoor  in  the  Tryboon  Pollytecnick  Academy,  was 
appinted  Deppity  Seckatry.  Shortly  arter  dispatchin  my  letter, 
howsever,  I  diskivered  the  informashin  was  prematoor;  but 
that  ef  the  President  dident  objeck,  the  Honabul  C.  A.  D.  would 
take  his  place  in  the  Administrashin  Line  on  the  follerin  day. 
I  seen  the  modern  Sinsinatus  in  his  sauktum  at  the  White  House 
that  arternoon,  and  Mr.  Daney  hesent  ben  appinted.  He  ses  he 
dosent  keer  about  bein  Assistant -Seckatry.  Mebbe  not.  Never- 
theless you  ken  put  down  his  elevashin  amung  the  axidents  that 
mought  hev  happcnd,  ef  the  Providence  as  shapes  our  eends 
hedn  t  nockt  him  cendways.  But  in  sayin  that  me  and  the 
President  hed  ben  rayther  too  much  for  the  high  minded  and 
benevolent  funkshinary  at  the  head  of  the  War  Department,  I 
referd  mainly  to  the  order  for  the  liberashin  of  State  prisners 
arrested  without  caws  and  held  contrary  to  law,  justis  and  hu- 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEK.  321 

inanity.  When  the  thing  was  sot  in  the  right  light  afore  the 
Scckatry  it  was  too  much  for  his  felines.  No  dout  he  is  a  kind- 
harted  man  at  the  bottom,  when  you  git  to  it.  His  better  uatur 
•was  apeelecl  to  in  this  style. 

"  Mr.  Stanton,  you  ken  librate  those  onfortnit  captyves  or  rap 
yourself  up  in  the  solitood  of  your  own  oridginality  and  retire, 
with  the  thanks  of  a  grateful  kentry,  to  the  shades  of  private 
life." 

He  couldn't  stand  it.  His  eye  glistend,  his  baird  shuck  with 
emoshin,  his  genrus  spirit  relented,  and  he  eggsclained  in  ax- 
cents  of  the  deepest  paythos  : 

"  I  am  not  made  of  iron.    Open  the  Barsteels  !" 

And  he  dun  it.  The  prisners  hes  all  ben  oncaged,  ban-in  one 
or  tw^j  as  hedentpayshents  to  wait  for  this  triurnp  of  filanthropy, 
and  died  in  jail.  I  hope  the  Seckatry's  clemency  will  never  be 
forgotten,  and  as  a  mark  of  the  grctitood  of  the  peeple,  I  prepose 
that  two  stattoos  of  him  be  made  outer  bronze,  at  the  public 
cost,  and  put  over  the  gateways  of  Fort  Warren  and  Fort  Laugh- 
eryet.  When  he  retires  from  the  Cabnet— witch  he  may  afore 
long — he  oughter  hev  a  furrin  mishin.  Ef  the  President  was  to 
nominate  him  for  Austrce,  the  Sennit  would,  no  doubt,  confirm 
the  appintment. 

The  messidge  is  compleat  all  but  the  figgers  and  facts  from  the 
Honabul  Salmon  P.,  and  a  brief  flurrish  at  the  openin  and  the 
tail  eend,  which  will  be  very  pius  and  affectin.  We  calkilate  to 
hev  the  dockyment  reddy  for  the  prenter  s  hands  by  to  morrer 
evenin,  ef  Seckatry  Chase  ken  make  up  his  mind  wot  the  pub- 
lick  det  is,  atween  this  and  then.  He  finds,  as  the  statements 
cum  in  from  the  diffrent  burrows,  that  the  sum  totil  is  likely  to 
eggseed  his  late  ekinornical  esthnit  of  640  millyuns  to  an  all- 
startlin  degree.  I  persoom,  howsever,  that  the  nayshin  will  be, 
let  off  purty  cheap  on  paper,  as  tellin  the  trooth  might  create  an 
onnessary  panic  in  the  Stock  Markit  besides  razing  the  pre- 
mum  on  gold. 

Welles  hes  finisht  his  shippin  list,  but  will  keep  it  opin  to  the 
last  possabul  moment  in  order  to  menshin  the  rival  of  the  Ala- 
bammer  in  port  as  a  prize,  ef  his  sangwinary  hops  of  her  imme- 
dient  capter  by  the  Vanderbilt  should  be  relized.  Thar  air  sev- 
ral  rummers  afloat  in  naval  sirkils  here,  as  to  her  present  wara- 
bouts.  Wun  akount  places  her  off  the  Coste  of  Maine,  while 
anuther  ses  that  she's  cruzin  at  the  mouth  of  the  Conneticut 
with  the  idee  of  ketchin  the  Seckatry  of  the  Navy  on  his  way 
hum  to  his  Thanksgivin  dinner  at  Hartford.  It  is  the  Honabul 


222  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

Giddyun's  opinyun  liowsever,  that  slie's  layen  off  and  on  sum- 
whars  atwixt  Cape  May  and  the  Straits  of  Baffleman. 

The  Honabul  Edwin  B.  is  onderstood  to  hev  got  as  far  as 
Fredericksbug  in  his  report  of  the  sucksesses  of  the  Union 
arms ;  but  thar  he  sticks  for  the  present,  waitin  late  advices 
from  Burnside,  and  positive  mformashin  as  to  the  present  lati- 
tood  and  longitood  of  Stunwall  Jackson. 

Seward  is  throo  with  his  yarn,  witch  is  a  State  paper  highly 
flatterin  to  the  nayshinal  pride  ;  showin  how  thurrowly  we  out- 
ginrald  Lord  John  Russill  in  the  Trent  affair,  and  inagnanny- 
mously  gin  up  Mason  and  Slidell,  bekase  they  warn't  wuth  thar 
keep,  and  we  was  all-fired  'glad  to  get  rid  on  'em.  As  evrybody 
is  aware  that  the  Honabul  William  H.  twisted  Russill  round  his 
finger  and  compleatly  got  to  windward  of  Pamerstun,  this  docky- 
nieut,  abel  as  it  is,  will  not  eggsight  much  curosity. 

The  Inteeryur  hes  ben  dun  up  neatly  and  consisely  by  Mr. 
Smith,  who  'tends  strickly  to  his  own  bizness,  and  is  tharfore, 
not  considered  of  mutch  ackount  by  his  coadjewters  whoos  vews 
is  more  comprehensive  and  ginral. 

Mr.  Blare,  who  is  a  man  of  no  ornary  stamp,  hes  hed  his  post 
cms  report  reddy  for  sum  days.  It  is  said  that  it  reckymends  a 
redempshin  of  the  guinbacks  with  the  greenbacks,  but  this  is 
not  sartin.  A  delegashin  of  the  New  York  apple  wirnmen  is  on 
here  in  relashin  to  the  matter,  but  I  have  not  heerd  whether  they 
hev  hed  an  entervew  with  the  P.  M.  Ginral. 

I  notis  it  is  stated  in  wun  of  the  New  York  jernils  that  the 
mancipayshin  projeck  is  to  be  moddified  in  the  Messidge.  Please 
give  this  report  a  flat  denial.  We  shall  not  take  back  a  hiotah 
of  the  Proclamashin.  The  President  and  me  hes  but  wun  idee — 
"  the  greatest  good  of  the  gratest  number",  without  distiukshin  ot 
culler  or  flavor.  Union  and  Libty,  or  Union  and  Slavery,  its  all 
the  same  to  us  so  its  Union.  Freely  and  ekwilly, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LXXVHI. 

[Our  long-headed  correspondent  discusses  the  merits  of  the 
Message  at  some  length.  Of  course,  he  has  not  a  particularly 
sharp  eye  for  its  demerits.  People  rarely  see  the  defects  of  a  work 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  233 

in  which  they  themselves  have  had  a  hand.    And  yet  those  de- 
merits may  be  palpable  to  the  apprehension  of  outsiders. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  December  5, 18G2. 
Eddytura  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

Wot  do  you  think  of  the  messidge  ?  Does  it  meet  your  vews 
of  a  Union-savin  jrarn  ?  Ef  so,  please  give  it  a  fust  rate  notis, 
with  a  few  eggstracks  from  the  passidges  relatin  to  the  yolk  of 
slavery,  ondcr  your  "  Locul  Missellany"  head,  and  oblege  the 
President  and  Me.  The  fack  is,  it  hes  ben  most  ouriteusly  walkt 
inter  by  evrybody,  evrywhars.  The  Conservativs  say  its  radical, 
and  the  Radicals  swar  its  conservativ.  And  yet  Eddyturs,  as 
troo  as  Irne  a  Sqjer  and  a  Statesman,  we  tried  to  consillyate 
both.  We  reckognized  the  ebony  speeches  as  pursenal  property 
to  tickle  the  misgided  millyuns  in  arms  agen  the  Guverment, 
and  deklard  slavery  to  be  the  soul  caws  of  the  rebellyun,  to  sat- 
isfy the  abelishinists.  We  preposed  to  postpony  mancipayshin 
for  thirty-seven  years,  to  gratify  South  Caroliny  and  Georgy, 
and  we  went  in  wunst  more  for  the  abelishin  of  human  bon- 
didge  in  all  the  bellyregent  States  at  New  Years,  to  propishiate 
Conneticut  and  Massachusetts.  It  was  our  honest  endevor  to 
make  the  dockyment  like  the  changeabul  picters  you  see  in  the  ' 
prent-shop  winders,  witch  presents  a  likeness  of  Wheatfield 
Bucaunon  from  wun  pint  of  vew  and  Winfield  Scott  from 
anuther — or  rayther  like  the  Dog  and  the  Lion,  in  the  peep 
show,  whar  the  specktators  as  hes  douts  consarnin  the  pursenal 
identity  of  the  animils  is  perlitely  told  by  the  properioter  that 
"  they  pays  thar  munney  and  ken  take  thar  chice.* 

Its  all-cussed  hard,  arter  tryin  to  please  evryboddy,  to  find 
you  haint  pleased  noboddy,  and  that  peers  to  be  our  case.  We 
did  our  purtiest  to  hit  wot  the  French  call  the  jest  mittyou,  and 
the  consekens  is  we  air  pitcht  inter  from  all  sides  to  wunst. 
"  Republics  is  ongrateful",  as  the  Greek  ginral  remarkt  when 
they  rested  him  for  det,  and  refused  to  let  him  take  the  bennyfit 
of  the  insolvent  act.  Ef  you  ever  red  old  Easeup's  Fabels,  you 
kennot  fail  to  reckognise  in  my  illustrus  frend  and  me  the  "  Old 
Man  and  his  Ass"  of  the  nineteent  sentry.  The  mildest  illushun 
to  the  Mes^idge  so  far,  is  that  it  is  "  remarkabul  for  its  sim- 
plesity",  which  is  catamount  to  pemouncin  it  an  iddyotic  per- 
duckshin. 

In  my  opinyun,  the  dockyment  ovcrfloes  with  ondeniable 
trooths.  Take  frinstance  the  follerin  witch  the  President  rit 
with  his  own  hand,  without  any  subjestins  on  my  pairt : 


224  WAB     LETTERS    OF 

"  It  is  not  so  easy  to  pay  something  as  to  pay  nothing ;  but  it 
is  easier  to  pay  a  large  sum  than  it  is  to  pay  a  larger  one  ;  and 
it  is  easier  to  pay  any  sum  when  we  are  able,  than  it  is  to  pay  it 
before  we  are  able." 

Now,  thats  wot  I  call  a  new  rinkle  in  fienance,  and  I  hev  no 
dout,  when  the  British  Chanseller  of  the  Eggschecker  sees  it,  he 
will  make  it  the  baysis  of  a  propersishin  to  pay  off  the  British 
nayshinal  det,  afore  it  becums  so  large  as  to  be  onmanidgeable. 
The  buty  of  the  remark  is,  that  it  is  ekwilly  outable  as  a  motto 
for  a  guverment,  and  as  an  inskripshin  inside  a  tavern  bar  whar 
no  trust  is  given. 

Sum  of  the  enemees  of  the  Modern  Father  of  his  Kentry, 
Levin  ackused  him  of  bein  a  short  sighted  pollytishin,  we 
detarmined  to  disabuse  the  publick  mind  on  that  pint,  in  the 
Messidge.  Consekently,  you  will  obsarve  that  we  hev  devoted 
a  considabul  amount  of  stashinary  to  a  considerashin  of  the 
affairs  of  the  nayshin  from  the  year  1870  to  1930.  I  calkilate  as 
the  251,680,914  American  peeple  as  will  inhabit  the  United 
States  in  1930  will  feel  tharselves  flattered  by  our  honabul  men- 
shin  of  em.  Our  posteriority  will  hev  to  pay  an  all-thunderin 
big  det  of  our  contractin,  and  the  President  and  Me  thort  it  was 
the  least  we  coald  do  to  soft-sope  em  a  leetle  in  advance.  It 
mought  prevent  em  from  cussin  us  in  our  graves. 

Menny  of  the  noosepapers,  I  notis,  is  sprised  that  the  Presi- 
dent dident  compliment  the  Army  and  Navy  Departments  on 
the  vigger  with  witch  the  war  hes  ben  waged  on  land  and  sea, 
but  I  think  the  subjined  sentence  cut  from  the  Messidge  will  suf- 
fishintly  ackonnt  for  the  ommishin : 

"  In  times  like  the  present,  men  should  titter  nothing  for 
which  they  would  not  willingly  be  responsable  throughout  time 
and  eternity." 

The  distinguished  Head  of  the  Republick,  tho  a  man  of 
polisht  manners,  never  sacrifices  his  conshense  to  his  perliteness. 

Mrs.  Lincoln,  as  you  are  awar,  has  retnrnt  to  the  PrCoidenshil 
Pallas,  and  thar  is  evry  prospeck  of  a  brilyant  winter  ondcr  her 
fashinabul  patternage.  The  illustrus  lady  is  to  Washington  wot 
the  Empress  Eujinny  is  to  Payris ;  in  fack,  as  the  man  ses  in 
the  play,  "  She  is  the  gloss  of  fashin  an:l  the  mould  of  uniform." 
I  may  be  rong  in  the  kwotashin,  bat  the  sentiment  is  correck. 

The  privit  theay trickles  I  spoke  of  in  a  former  letter  hes  not 
yet  cum  off,  but  as  the  offishal  yarns  is  purty  mutch  all  in,  I  per- 
soom  the  Heads  of  Departments  is  reddy  at  enny  time  to  aban- 
don goose  kwills  and  foolscap,  for  the  sock  and  buckskin.  It  is 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  225 

now  preposed  that  the  first  peace  shell  be  "  Used  Up,"  and  the 
hull  Cabnet  is  to  be  inkluded  in  the  cast. 

From  the  increasin  number  of  army  offsirs  in  the  streets  and 
bar  rums  here,  I  persoom  that  a  battel  on  the  Rapperhammock 
may  be  lookt  for  at  enny  moment.  Mutch  depends,  howsever, 
upon  the  time  it  may  take  for  the  rebels  to  finnish  thar  defenses 
at  Fredericksbug.  As  sun  as  Lee  and  Longstreet  is  kwite  pre- 
pard  for  a  shindy  we  shell  probly  go  in.  It  is  sed  that  the  gen- 
rus  and  jewdishus  Stanton  wishes  em  to  be  fully  re-enforced,  in 
order  to  show  em  how  esily  they  ken  be  whipt  with  all  the  odds 
in  thar  favor.  The  result — ef  it  happens — will  no  doubt  be  ter- 
rably  dishartnin,  and  prehaps  eend  the  war  with  a  blow.  Bad 
wether  may  interfere  and  pervent  the  catastrofy — but  the  Secka- 
try  in  coarse  is  not  responsabul  for  the  wether  Thats  Heven's 
bizness  and  not  hisn,  as  the  boy  remark  t  when  his  father  was 
killed  by  the  legtrick  flewid  in  consekens  of  tyin  hisself  to  a 
lightnin-rod  for  saifty. 

Hopin  you  will  not  konsider  it  drogatory  to  your  Edditoryal 
dignity  to  give  the  Messidge  a  favorabul  notis,  I  remain,  and  so 
doos  the  distingwisht  Tenant  of  the  White  House, 
Yours,  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LXXIX. 

[The  immediate  cause  of  the  sudden  dash  of  the  Army  of  the 
Potomac  across  the  Rappahannock,  is  fully  explained  in  the  fol- 
lowing letter.  The  order  to  attack — a  positive  and  peremptory 
order — appears  to  have  emanated  from  the  President.  Our  vet- 
eran correspondent  was  his  prompter  ;  and  whatever  may  be  the 
final  issue  of  the  movement,  he  will  not  shirk  the  responsibility. 
—Eos.'] 

NATSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  December  12, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

At  lenth  the  tejus  paws  is  over,  and  we  hev  pitched  inter  the 
cnemee  hand  over  hand.  The  kentry  owes  the  suddent  dash 
acrost  the  Rapperhammock  to  the  President  and  me.  The  leath- 
ergy  of  the  War  Department  (and  not  the  want  of  shoos  as  was 
ginrally  sposed)  was  the  sole  resin  Why  the  Army  of  tlie  Potomac 
10* 


226  'WAR    LETTERS     OF 

didn't  walk  inter  the  rebels  more'n  two  weeks  ago.  My  Illus- 
trus  Patron  remonstrated  agin  the  delay.  He  used  the  most 
forceabul  argyments  he  could  think  of — setch  as  "  Delays  is  dan- 
gerous", "  A  stitch  in  time  saves  nine",  "  Procrastinashin  is  the 
thief  of  Time",  "  Nuthin  ventur,  nuthin  win",  and  uther  golden 
axeurns  from  the  mint  of  wisdum  bequeethed  to  us  by  the  ain- 
shent  sages.  But  his  elikwence  was  like  purls  cast  afore  swine. 
Stantori  put  him  off  with  invasive  answers,  and  Halleck  sent  him 
milentary  diegrams  on  sheets  of  foolscap,  as  hed  the  aperience 
of  bein  made  by  a  long-legged  spider  that  hed  jest  crawled  outer 
an  inkbottle. 

Things  went  on  this  way  ontil  last  Toosday,  when  the  Presi- 
dent writ  me  a  note  that  he  wanted  to  see  me  immediently  on 
speshil  bizness.  He  was  standin  on  the  frunt  door  steps  when  I 
arrove  at  the  White  House,  pullin  his  left  whisker  as  is  his  wont 
when  his  will  is  disregarded,  and  conduckted  me  at  wunst  to  his 
eanktum.  He  sed  he  was  wurrid  arnazinly  by  the  dogged  ob- 
stinacy of  the  War  Department,  upon  witch  I  axed  ef  he  wanted 
a  peace  of  an  honest  man's  mind. 

"  Spit  it  out  Old  Fidelity,"  ses  he,  his  feters  lighten  up  with  a 
hole-sold  smild. 

•'  Wai,"  ses  I,  "  wot  I  hev  to  say  in  the  first  place  is  this.  It's 
not  so  eesy  to  lick  ennyboddy  as  it  is  to  lick  noboddy,  is  it?" 

He  remaned  for  a  few  minnits  absobbed  in  deep  thort  and  then 
shuck  his  hed. 

"But,"  I  continned,  "its  esier  to  lick  a  considabul  boddy, 
then  to  lick  the  same  boddy  when  its  twiste  as  considabul,  isn't 
it?" 

Arter  a  breef  intervil  for  reflexshin  he  concurd. 

"And,"  ses  I  resoomin  agin,  ''its  esier — isn't  it? — to  smash 
horseteal  boddies  when  we  air  abel,  than  it  is  when  they  air  abel 
to  raze  Cain  with  us." 

"D.  V-,"  he  rejined,  smildin  cumpleasantly,  "you  borrord 
that  sillygism  from  a  remark  of  mine  in  the  Messidge,  and  I  am 
proud  to  say  the  logic  is  correck." 

"  Ef  so,"  ses  I,  "  why  in  thunder  don't  you  tell  Burnside  to  go 
in  and  win,  afore  the  rebels  sets  thar  airthwurks,  and  riful  pits, 
and  maskt  batteries  atwixt  him  and  Richmound,  thicker'n  mink 
traps  in  a  Western  swomp  ?" 

"My  nobel  and  esteemabul  frend"  he  responded,  wipin  his 
nose  with  visabul  einoshin,  "  your  sentiments  doos  honor  to  your 
head  and  hart ;  but  I've  gin  the  Seckatry  of  War  discreshinary 
powers." 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  227 

"  Ime  right  glad  to  larn  it,"  I  remarkt  sneerinly,  "  for  its  the 
ginral  opinyim  that  he  hesu't  enny  of  his  own." 

You  should  hev  seen  the  Honabul  Abe  lay  back  and  shake  his 
honest  sides.  It  dun  me  good  to  look  at  him. 

Hevin  got  him  on  the  larf  I  detarmined  to  improov  the- 
openin. 

Ses  I,  solemly,  "  You  air  Cummander  in  Cheef  of  the  Army 
and  Navy  of  the  Land  of  the  Free  and  the  Hum  of  the  Brave, 
air  you  not  ?" 

"  Accordin  to  the  Constitooshin,  setch  is  my  progative,"  he 
replied,  takin  his  leg  off  the  arm  of  his  cheer  and  drorin  hisself 
up  with  nateral  dignity. 

"  Then,"  ses  I,  airnestly,  "  sail  in.  The  Ship  of  State's  in 
danger.  Thar's  lubbers  at  the  helium.  Pitch  em  overboard  and 
let  you  and  me  take  the  wheel  alone." 

"  Ah !"  sithed  he,  in  a  plaintiff  vice,  "  you  want  me  to  take  the 
responsability ;  but  you  know  wot  cum  of  that  in  the  Macdoill 
affair." 

"That  was  onder  bad  advice,"  ses  I.    ".Take  mine." 

"  State  your  platform  and  we'll  see,"  he  responded,  puttin  hia 
feet  on  the  mantel-peace,  "  but  a  burnt  child  dreds  the  fire,  and 
I've  ben  hauled  over  the  coals  so  much  lately,  that  I  don't  want 
to  put  my  foot  in  it  agin." 

"  Its  jest  this,"  ses  I,  impressivly.  "  Send  a  perumptry  order  to 
Ginral  Burnside  to  cross  the  Rapperharnrnock  afore  the  week's 
over,  and  ef  any  resistance  is  made,  to  lay  Fredericksbug  in 
ashes.  Tell  him  to  fight  the  rebels  wharever  they  make  a  stand  ; 
to  kick  struttegy  to  the  devil,  and  make  his  way  to  Richmound 
by  the  shortest  cut  at  the  pint  of  the  bagnet.  Tell  him  to  foller 
the  cumpass  doo  South,  at  the  dubble  kwick,  without  pawsin  to 
palaver  on  the  rout,  and  never  stop  till  he  waters  his  hoss  in 
Shockoh  Crick,  and  sees  the  old  flag  flotin  over  the  rebel  cap- 
ital. Do  that,"  I  exclamed,  throwen  myself  inter  his  arms 
in  a  suddent  bust  of  oncontrollabul  emoshin,  "  and  you  will  go 
down  to  distant  ages  with  the  conshusness  of  heving  ful- 
filled your  sakrid  oblegashins  to  E.  P.  Unum  and  the  American 
Egul." 

The  grate  man  was  overcum  by  my  firy  energee.  He  sed,  ef 
he  hed  as  menny  lives  as  Plutark,  he  would  be  willin  to  giv  em 
all  for  his  kentry,  and  sot  down  and  wrote  a  dispatch  to  Burn- 
side,  arter  my  dicktashin — bein  too  mutch  agitated  by  his  pay- 
tryotick  felines  to  think  for  hisself. 

I  hop  that,  long  afore  this  cums  to  hand,  the  lightnin  will  bare 


WAR     LETTERS     OF 


you  intelligens  of  the  glorius  and  cornpleat  suckcess  of  the 
Union  arms.    Eggsitedly, 

Yours  allns, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.   LXXX. 

[We  doubted,  on  first  perusing  the  following  extraordinary 
letter,  whether  it  would  be  wise  to  publish  it,  and  finally  asked 
the  opinion  of  an  old  and  valued  legal  friend  as  to  whether  it 
contained  anything  that  could  be  considered  treasonable.  His 
reply,  as  he  handed  back  the  manuscript,  was  short  and  to  the 
point.  Said  he :  "  If  that  is  treason,  let  'em  make  the  most  of 
it."  Consequently,  we  determined  to  print  it. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL'HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  December  19, 1852. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merlcary  : 

Ive  ben  sick.  I  am  sick.  Its  on  ackount  of  takin  too  inutch 
responsability.  line  afeard  the  kentry  will  hold  me  ackount- 
abul  for  the  late  discomforture  at  Fredericksburg.  Sartainly,  I 
advised  the  President  to  order  Burnside  to  sail  in  ;  and,  in  dooin 
so,  he  run  agin  a  snag.  But  wot  could  I  do?  Halleck  and 
Stanton  bed  setteld  it  that  Richmound  was  to  be  attacted  by  the 
Rapperhamrnock  rout,  and  bed  indooced  my  magnannymus 
frend  to  take  a  solera  oath  on  Helper's  Crysis  that  he  wouldent 
enterfear.  In  coarse  he  couldent  perjer  hisself,  and  I  was  well 
awar  that  the  longer  we  delayed  goin  in,  the  better  prepard  the 
rebels  would  be  to  flax  us  out.  It  was  a  chice  atwixt  two  evils, 
and  I  tride  to  chews  the  leest.  Ef  the  shindy  bed  ben  postponied 
a  fortnit  longer  as  was  intended,  our  army  would  not  oney  hev 
ben  severely  wooled,  but  utterly  worsted. 

You  will  reckolleck  that  I  remarkt  in  my  last  epistol  that  ef  it 
hedent  ben  for  the  leathergy  of  the  leatherheads  in  the  War 
Department,  our  forces  might  hev  crost  the  river  and  bagged  or 
disbursed  the  rebellyus  hoards  "weeks  ago."  But  the  War 
Department,  witch  is  allus  forgcttin  sumthin,  disrememberd  to 
send  the  pontoon  bridges,  and  our  army  bein  onabel,  as  the 
poick  ses,  to  "  walk  the  waters  like  a  thing  of  life",  was  compeld 
to  remane  with  sinkin  harts  on  the  rong  side,  while  the  enemee 
throo  up  tbar  airtkwurks  and  prepard  to  vomit  forth  a  storm  of 


A     DISBANDED    VOLUNTEER.  229 

fire  and  deth  onto  us  as  sun  as  we  began  to  operate.  Wai, 
Banks  was  off  on  a  Quickshotic  expedition  to  the  Gulf,  so  thar 
warnt  no  hope  of  his  makin  enny  divershin  to  amews  the  enemee 
while  Bnrnside  pitched  inter  em  in  airnest ;  so  I  thort  it  was 
best,  as  the  mewsick  bed  to  be  faced,  to  face  it  at  wunst.  On- 
der  the  suckemstances,  wot  better  advice  could  I  hev  given? 
Ef  the  attact  bed  ben  put  off  two  weeks  longer,  thar  wculd- 
ent  hev  ben  a  grease  pot  left  of  the  Army  of  the  Potomac  this 
day. 

The  President  takes  the  disaster  with  that  cherfulness  witch 
belongs  to  his  boyant  nater.  He  thinks  it  is  no  more  use  to  cry 
over  spilt  blood  than  it  is  to  cry  over  spilt  milk,  so  he  lucks  at 
the  affare  from  a  farseeshus  pint  of  vew. 

Ses  I  to  him  to-day :  '•  Ime  afeard  the  rebels  hes  got  to  wind- 
ard  of  us  for  the  carnppain." 

"  Yes,"  he  replide,  "  and  your  remark  subjests  a  cannondrum. 
What  caused  the  shipreck  of  our  hopes  on  the  Rapperham- 
mock  ?" 

"  Stanton  and  Halleck,"  ses  I,  swarin  innardly. 

"  Oridginally  I  grant,"  ses  he ;  "  but  the  immedient  caws  of 
the  shipreck  of  our  hopes  on  the  Rapperhammock  was  '  runnin 
on  a  Lee  shore.'  " 

"  Mister  President,"  ses  I,  frownin,  "  I  kant  larf  at  your  humor, 
redickalus  as  it  is — the  larf  is  all  taken  outer  me.  Our  troops  is 
receivin  checks  from  the  eneniee  in  all  direckshins." 

"  Air  they  ?"  he  responded.  "  Then  all  I  ken  say  is,  the  ene- 
mee treats  em  better  n  we  do ;  for  they've  bed  no  checks  from 
us  for  the  last  five  munths." 

"  Head  of  the  nashin,"  I  anserd,  "  this  is  no  time  for  puns.  It 
seems  to  me  that  your  mayjestick  intelleck  hes  gon  a  wool-geth- 
ering." 

"  D.  V.,"  ses  be,  "Ispose  you  meen  that  as  a  reproach;  but 
let  me  tell  you  that  wool-getherin  is  wun  of  the  great  eends  and 
objecks  of  this  war.  Ax  the  Constitooshinal  Advisers  ef  it 
isent." 

"  Yes,"  I  remarkt,  "  they've  gon  in  for  wool,  and  cum  back 
shorn." 

"  Not  alltogether,"  ses  he  ;  "  ef  ennyboddy's  ben  fleeced,  I  gess 
its  the  publick.' 

"  Let  us  change  the  subjeck,  distingwished  rooler,"  was  my 
reply.  "  Dont  you  think  you  bed  better  resine,  and  retire,  like 
anuther  Sinsinnatus,  to  the  hog  and  hominy  of  privit  life?" 

"  The  kentry  would  be  wuss  off  with  Harnlin,"  returnt  ho. 


230  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

"  The  ainshent  Hannabul  warnt  more  attacht  to  the  intrests  of 
Afriky  than  he  is." 

"  Thats  troo,  too,"  I  replide  ;  "  but  mebbe  ef  the  virtoous  head 
of  the  Guverment  was  to  retire,  the  Vice  would  be  too  moddest 
to  axsept  the  vakinsy." 

"  Will  a  cluck  swim  ?"  he  responded,  stretchin  the  fingers 
of  his  right  hand  in  a  farseeshus  and  fan-like  manner,  and 
restin  his  thum  on  the  most  promenent  feter  of  his  pursonal  car- 
rickter. 

I  felt  I  was  anserd.  Thars  no  Roman  virtoo  in  the  dignitories 
of  the  present  day.  Ketch  enny  of  our  Curtisses  leapin  inter  the 
gulf. 

Arter  sittin  a  few  minnits  in  moody  silence,  reflectin  on  modern 
dejennyracy,  I  axed  him  abruply  ef  he  wouldent  reconstruck  his 
Cabnet. 

"  Cant  do  it,"  ses  he. 

"  Wharfore  cam  you  ?"  I  interrogerated. 

"  Bekase,"  ses  he,  "  amung  the  uther  oaths  I  tuck  on  '  Helper's 
Crysis',  I  swore  to  keep  em  in  wun  and  insuperable  as  long  as 
my  own  lease  of  offis  lasted." 

."  Ef  thats  the  case,"  I  replide,  bluntly,  "  its  my  opinyun  your 
lease  of  offis  will  be  shorter'n  you  andizzypate." 

"  Wai,"  he  responded,  with  a  sithe,  "  it  kant  be  helped.  Hevin 
sworn  on  the  sacrid  volum  of  my  church,  and  bein  a  member  in 
good  standin,  I  musn't  resk  my  salvashin  by  backin  down." 

"Think  of  the  salvashin  of  the  Union,"  ses  I. 

"  Evry  man  for  hisself,  and  the  devil  take  the  hindmost,"  he 
anserd,  castin  his  eyes  uppards. 

"  Yes,"  ses  I,  with  a  groan,  "  I  bleeve  that  is  the  creed  of  the 
present  Administrashin." 

But  mebbe  he  will  relent.    Let  us  hop  so. 

As  I  was  about  to  leve  the  presence,  he  tuck  me  by  the  button 
and  axed  me  ef  I  knew  wot  was  the  diffrence  atwixt  my  frend, 
Honest  Abe,  and  a  Seecesh  planter.  I  rekwested  him  to  spit  it 
out,  for  I  was  in  a  hurry,  and  hed  to  attend  sum  to  serus  bizness. 

"  Why,"  ses  he,  "  the  diffrence  is  that  one's  the  slave  of  pren- 
ceple,  and  the  other's  the  prencepal  of  slaves." 

I  whistled  ironically. 

"  Slop,"  he  continued,  "  I've  got  anuther  for  you.  Why  is  a 
splendid  milentary  banner  like  a  black  sojer?  You'd  never 
gess  it,  so  I'll  tell  you.  Its  bekase  its  wun  of  the  Pomps  of 
war." 

I  jerked  back,  indignently,  leavin  the  button  in  his  hand,  and 


m 

A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  281 

hastend  to  the  Nayshinal  to  rite  this  letter,  and  subscribe  myself, 
despairinly,  Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 

P.  S.  Ef  I  ken  perswade  the  President  to  dismiss  the  Consti- 
tooshinal  Advisers  and  hire  a  new  set,  I  shell  do  so.  I  shell  hey 
anuther  talk  with  him  airly  nex  week. 


No.    LXXXI. 

[In  the  art  of  scarifying  imbecility  in  a  covert  way,  we  know 
of  few  satirists  who  can  hold  a  candle  to  the  Disbanded.  Peruse 
the  following  letter,  patriotic  reader,  if  you  want  to  see  a  little 
skinning  sarcastically  done. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  December  24, 1862. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

Burjuside  may  not  be  wun  of  these  onrepressabul  milentary 
fenixes  as  nose  no  setch  ward  as  fail,  but  he's  a  morril  hero,  and 
no  mistake.  Ef  he  kant  take  brestwurks  like  a  Wellington,  he 
ken  take  responsability  like  a  brick.  He  lifts  all  the  blame  of 
the  Fredericksbug  affair  from  the  sholders  of  the  Administra- 
shin,  and  offers  hisself  a  willin  sacrifice  to  save  the  President 
from  censhur.  In  this  respeck  he  reminds  me  of  the  eggsern- 
plary  Isick,  of  Skripter  sellebrity,  who  was  willin  to  hev  his 
throte  cut  for  the  benefit  of  the  Father  Abraham  of  ainshent 
times.  The  oney  difference  atwixt  the  two  magnannymus  indi- 
vidyals  is,  that  Isick  eskaped  with  a  scare,  while  thar  is  no  let 
up  wotsumdever  for  the  onfortnit  Ambrose. 

It  must  be  a  wunderful  consolashin  to  the  nayshin  to  larn 
from  the  Committy  on  the  Conduck  of  the  War,  that  evrything 
was  dun  for  the  best.  The  librality  of  the  War  Department  in 
placin  onboundcd  confidence  in  a  ginral  who  declared  he  hed  no 
confidence  in  hisself,  must  allus  stand  conspickus  in  history  as  a 
pruff  of  the  perfound  nollidge  of  human  natur  possest  by  the 
dubble  team  of  lawyers  at  present  harnest  to  the  war-chariot  of 
the  Union.  How  plesent  it  must  be  to  the  peeple  to  know  that 
insted  of  bein  onyoked  and  turnt  out  to  grass,  they  air  to  be 
continued  in  the  traces,  and  suffered  to  flounder  along  the 
bluddy  track  ontil  they  get  fairly  stuck  among  heeps  of  slor- 
terd  heroes  and  further  proggress  is  onpossabul. 


233  WAR     LETTERS     OP 

The  address  of  the  illustrus  Abe  to  the  Army  of  the  Potomac 
(witch  is  the  offspring  of  his  own  niity  mind,  onaded  by  any 
hint  from  me)  butifully  clars  away  the  smoke  from  the  battel- 
feeld  of  the  Rapperhamtnock,  and  shows  that  the  slite  check  we 
receved  in  buckin  agin  onsirmountable  obstickles  was  merely 
the  result  of  wun  of  those  triflin  "axidents"  that  will  happen  in 
the  best  regilated  milentary  famalies.  Ginral  Schunk,  if  you 
recolleck,  met  with  a  sirnildar  misfortin  on  a  small  skale,  when 
he  butted  six  or  sevin  car-loads  of  sojers  inter  a  maskt  battery  at 
Vienna,  in  the  beginnin  of  the  war.  Strange  as  it  may  seem  to 
the  plus  mind,  a  blind  reliance  on  soopernalral  favor  doosent 
seem  to  pay.  The  Providence  as  shapes  our  eends  oney  doos 
the  polishin  off,  and  ef  the  blockin  out  is  dun  blindfolded,  wot 
is  to  be  eggspected  in  consekens  but  "  the  leetle  eend  of  nuthin 
whittled  down  to  a  pint".  The  triumfant  manner  in  witch 
Burnside  recrost  the  river  on  the  sly,  is  jestly  considered  a 
grate  explite  by  the  President.  It  was  sartainly  nuther  an  error 
nor  an  "  axident",  but  the  brilyant  idee  of  a  sooperior  intelleck 
witch  hevin  but  one  hole  to  creep  out  at,  hed  the  saygasity  not 
to  be  abuv  makin  use  of  it. 

The  concludin  passidge  of  my  nobul  frend's  address,  whar  he 
simperthises  with  the  "  severely  wounded"  is  creditabul  to  his 
sensabilities.  Also  it  shows  the  oridginality  of  his  discrirninatin 
mincl.  An  ornary  man,  in  his  sitiwashin,  would  hev  simper- 
thised  with  the  onfortnit  cripples  without  distinkshin  of  pursons, 
but  he  benevlcntly  sellecks  the  wurst  cases  for  his  affeckshinit 
regairds,  levin  the  flesh  cuts  and  mild  perferashins  resultin  from 
the  "axident",  to  derive  cumfurt  from  the  reflexshin  that  it 
raought  hev  ben  an  all-fired  sight  wurse. 

It  is  a  luvly  trait  in  the  modern  Father  of  his  Kentry,  that  he 
never  blames  ennyboddy  for  dooin  ennything  witch  evrybody 
sees  might  hev  ben  avided  ;  nor  for  not  dooin  ennything  witch 
was  absolutely  necessary  to  prevent  "  axidents".  What  a  happy 
thing  it  is  for  this  glorius  nayshin  that  our  Cheef  Madgistrit's 
hed  is  not  of  the  same  saft  materyal  as  his  hart.  Ef  it  was  we 
mought  find  it  a  hard  matter  to  "ockapy  and  possess"  the 
rebellytts  South  doorin  his  term  of  offls. 

I  hope  the  North  is  satisfied  that  the  delay  of  the  pontoons 
ontil  the  faverable  moment  for  leadin  the  army  over  em  to  hull- 
sail  slorter,  was  wun  of  those  onforscen  suckemstauces  over 
witch  noboddy  lies  enuy  control.  Halleck  gin  the  order  to  hev 
em  sent  on ;  but  in  coarse  it  warnt  his  bizness  to  know  whether 
it  was  attended  to.  As  Blundersby  (I  think  tliat's  his  name)  says 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEll.  283 

in  the  play  of  Domboy  and  Son,  "  ef  so  be  they  was  sent,  so, 
and  ef  so  be  as  they  warnt  sent,  why  so  also."  Axidentally  it 
was  "  so  also'.  Major  Ginral  Halleck,  I  would  hev  the  pubJick 
to  know,  hes  his  place  as  distinkly  defined  as  ef  he  was  head 
butler  in  a  privit  famaly.  Now  a  head  butler  you  know 
mought  consistently  order  the  footman  to  tell  the  housemaid  to 
leave  word  with  the  cook  to  send  the  errand-boy  to  desire  the 
ostler  to  request  the  coachman  to  harness  up  the  hosses,  drive 
the  kerridge  to  the  doctor's,  and  bring  him  forthwith  to  attend 
the  sick  master  of  the  establishment.  Bat  ef  the  order  warnt 
eggscuted  and  the  sick  boss  died  in  consekens,  the  butler 
wouldent  be  to  blame  you  know.  Bern  suckemstanced  precisely 
the  same,  Ginral  Halleck  must  be  simildarly  eggscused.  Its 
dredful  to  think  that  some  people  should  be  so  onrighleously 
ignorant  of  oflishal  etiket,  as  to  spose  the  Ginral  orter  hev  seen 
as  his  dereckshins  was  obeyed.  Setch  things  is  never  dun.  I 
hope  you  will  make  this  fact  clar  to  the  vox  populie ;  for  tho 
you  will  hardly  bleeve  it,  sum  fokes  is  inconsiderit  enulT  to  lay 
the  blud  of  the  brave  men  wiped  out  in  the  battel  of  Fredericks- 
burg  at  Ginral  Halleck's  door.  As  I  wunst  remarkt  on  a  prevus 
ockashin,  "  Republicks  is  ongrateful". 

The  Constitooshinal  Advisers,  bein  of  a  tenasshus  nater, 
intends  to  stick  to  the  President  and  thar  places.  They  rallid 
around  him  airly  in  the  week  and  ashoored  that  imminent  States- 
man that  they  would  never  desart  him.  I  was  not  present  at 
the  affectin  intervew,  but  was  informt  that  Stanton's  spectikles 
was  dim  with  tears,  and  that  the  baird  of  Welles  kwivered  with 
onrcpressabul  einoshcn.  Setch  is  thar  devoshin  to  my  high- 
minded  frend,  that  ef  evry  city  and  town  in  the  Union  was  to  get 
up  mass  meetins  and  petishin  for  thar  retirement,  I  skarsly  think 
they  would  hev  the  hart  to  tare  tharselves  away.  I  should  like 
to  see  the  eggsperiment  tried,  ef  it  was  oney  to  test  thar  paytry- 
itisin. 

Christmas  past  rayther  glumily  here ;  the  convalessent  sojcrs, 
howsever,  was  treted  to  a  first-rate  dinner,  thanks  to  the 
inirest  taken  in  thar  welfare  by  Mrs.  Smith,  the  genrus  help- 
meat  of  the  Coiistitooshinal  Adviser  of  the  Interior  Department. 

Ilopin  that  the  little  "  axident '  on  the  Rapperhammock  will 
be  lucked  upon  in  its  troo  light  by  a  conliJin  people,  I  remain 
confusedly, 

Yours,  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


234  WAR     LETTEHS     OF 

No.  LXXXH. 

[Our  trustworthy  correspondent  and  representative  near  the 
Court  of  Washington  opens  his  series  of  letters  for  1863  in  his 
most  sarcastic  vein.  The  "  Constitooshinal  Advisers"  get  some 
pretty  hard  rubs ;  but  the  Disbanded's  humor  is  so  peculiar  that 
some  folks  think  him  in  earnest  when  he  is  jest ;  and  others  that 
he  is  jest  when  he  is  in  earnest.  He  reserves  his  opinion  on  the 
Proclamation,  on  the  ground  that  he  has  not  yet  had  time  to 
understand  clearly  what  it  means.  It  appears  to  us  to  be  simple 
enough,  however. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  January  2, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  MerJcary : 

All  the  Constitooshinal  Advisers,  bein  now  fixt  in  thar  births 
faster'n  they  was  afore  the  Fredericksburg  miscarridge,  the  nay- 
shin  may  luck  forrard  with  cherful  confidens  to  a  new  serious  of 
fienancyal,  milentary  and  navel  aborshins.  Mr.  Chase,  the  dis- 
tingwisht  rnanyfactorer  of  paper  masJiy  playthings  for  groan 
childern,  is  preparin  a  new  Treshury  Game  for  the  gay  seesin,  to 
be  called  the  "  Triuinps  of  Trumpery ".  It  consists  of  picter 
keards  of  varus  desines,  intended  for  bilden  housen  arter  the 
pattern  of  the  Shattoes  in  Spain.  The  game  is  simpel  and  eesily 
seen  throo ;  and  is  kept  on  a  slate  to  witch  a  spunge  is  attacht, 
for  wipin  out  the  figgers  at  the  conclushin.  I  onderstand  it  is 
intended  to  lustrate  the  great  moneytary  prencepul  that  the 
saiftest  way  to  raise  the  wind  is  to  inflate  the  currency.  The 
Seckatry  of  the  Treshury  hes  peculiar  idees  on  the  spondoolick 
kwestin,  witch,  in  his  capassity  of  Constitooshinal  Adviser,  he 
yestday  enfolded  to  my  strong-minded  frend,  the  President,  as 
follers : 

"  Abe,"  ses  he  (for  he  allus  addresses  the  President  as  a  man 
and  a  bruther,  and  not  as  a  high  old  public  funkshinary) — "  Abe> 
my  feller  citysin,"  ses  he,  "  gold  is  the  solid,  portabul  ritches  of 
a  kentiy,  is  it  not  ?" 

"  I  cornseed  the  pint,"  replide  the  secldnd  Washington. 

"  Wai,  then,"  continued  the  Seckatry,  "  the  more  the  nayshin's 
gold  is  wuth  in  the  hum  market,  in  coarse  the  richer  the  nayshin 
is  ;  you'll  not  attemp  to  contrivert  that  ?" 

"  Nary  contrivert,"  anserd  the  lied  of  the  Guverment,  flippin 
up  a  nickel  and  ketchin  it  in  the  pam  of  his  hand. 

"  Wai,"  resoomed  the  custoadyun  of  the  publick  pus,  "  I  hev 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  235 

alreddy  raised  the  valley  of  gold  thirty  per  sent  abuv  the  ornary 
level,  and  I  intend  to  keep  it  a  mountin  ontil  it  reeches  ninety 
or  a  hunderd  per  sent  abuv  par,  and  evry  gold  dollar  in  the 
kentry,  incloodin  the  ror  materyal  in  Californy,  is  wuth  two 
dollars.  What  do  you  think  of  that,  now,  my  troo  American  ? 
and  yet  the  conservatives  say  line  impoverishin  the  kentry." 

"  But,"  ses  the  Eggseggative,  runnin  his  fingers  throo  his  har, 
as  if  he  was  makin  winrows  of  it,  "  gold  hesent  riz  abroad,  hes 
it  ?  and  if  our  merchants  purchis  thar  truck  whar  a  gold  dollar's 
oney  wuth  its  face,  and  hes  to  sell  whar  the  same  coin's  wuth 
two  dollars,  it  peers  to  me  that  the  coimnershil  intrest  will  sun 
go  to  the  — ." 

"Let  the  commershil  intrest  keep  its  muniay  to  hum,"  he 
rejined,  sharply.  "  Tuther  side  of  the  Atlantick  is  agin  us.  Let 
us  inskribe  on  our  banners,"  ses  he,  in  a  bust  of  paytryotic 
devoshin,  "  Let  us  prent  on  our  Star-Spangled  and  glory-striped 
standard,  '  No  connexshin  with  the  beggars  opposit.'  " 

"  O !  that,  indeed,"  remarkt  the  President,  cherfully  eggstendin 
his  hand — witch  the  Seckatry  skweeged  with  emoshin,  in  token 
that  they  understood  wunanuther.  So  the  Seckatry's  new  game 
receved  the  Presidenshil  sankshin,  and  ef  Congress  is  willin,  the 
picters  will  be  reddy  for  delivery  purty  recently. 

Perfeck  repose  prevails  in  the  Navy  Department.  The 
respecktabul  longshoreman  as  persides  over  it  feels  sorry  for  the 
Ariel,  and  thinks  the  Californy  gold  hed  better  be  shipt  direct  by 
the  way  of  Cape  Horn  in  futur,  or  at  least  ontil  setch  time  as  the 
Pacific  Railroad  is  finisht,  or  the  Alabammer  capturd,  witchever 
of  those  two  cummin  events  may  chanst  to  happen  first.  He 
considers  it  an  act  of  cremiuel  keerlessness  in  the  San  Fran- 
cisky  nabobs,  knowin  wot  they  know,  to  have  resked  ennything 
in  the  Gulf  onder  the  American  flag.  "  Stupid  Old  Tops,"  ses 
he,  "  why  diddent  they  ship  in  English  bottoms."  He  thinks  the 
best  way  for  the  American  ship  oners  and  shipping  merchants 
to  protect  thai-selves  agin  loss,  is  to  keep  all  thar  ships  in  port 
and  let  furrin  vessels  do  the  carryin  trade,  ontil  the  Alabammer, 
and  the  Oreter,  and  the  uther  rebel  priviteers  is  captered  by  the 
San  Jasento  or  the  Tuskyroarer,  or  sum  of  Wilkes's  flyiu  Squod- 
run  as  anuilates  time  and  space  at  the  rate  of  six  nots  an  hour. 

Thar  was  a  gay  time  at  the  White  House  yestday.  Evrybody 
as  is  ennybody  called  to  wish  the  illustrus  ockipants  a  happy 
new  year,  and  ofter  thar  cougratilashins  on  the  state  of  the 
kentry.  Menny  large  corntractors  was  on  hand  and  gin  thar 
vews  of  pollytickle  economy,  with  witch  the  President  was 


236  WAR  LETTERS   OP 

mutch  delited.  All  the  Constitooshinal  Advisers  paid  thar 
respecks,  and  Messrs.  Halleck  and  Stanton  presented  the  plan  of 
a  new  milentary  Annie  Condy  for  1863  ;  but  Mr.  Lincoln  sed  he 
could  nuther  make  head  nor  tale  of  it,  and  Seward  remark!  in 
his  sourcaustic  way  that  it  reminded  him  onrepressably  of  a 
Gaudyan  Not  of  red  tape,  and  that  the  best  thing  the  President 
could  do  was  to  cut  it. 

Chase  was  in  high  sperrits,  and  arter  the  bizness  conversashin 
I  hev  elsewhar  referd  too,  him  and  the  President  hed  sum  very 
plesent  joaks  together.  "  Torkin  of  bonds,  Chase,"  sez  the  latter, 
"  wot  do  you  think  of  the  bonds  of  matteromoney  ?" 

The  Seckatry  blusht  salmon  cullur  as  he  rcmarkt  in  reply, 
that  he  was  negoshiatin  for  sum  skrip  of  that  carricktcr  with  a 
vew  to  the  consolidashin  of  the  Union.  Welles  cuming  up  at 
the  moment,  the  Cheef  Madgistrit  axed  him  why  Chase  wos 
like  Neckar,  a  sellybratcd  French  Seckatry  of  the  Treshury. 
The  Venabul  Navel  funkshinary  didn't  take — he  never  doos — 
and  the  President  eggsplainecl  that ."  Salmon  P.  reminded  him  of 
Neckar,  bekase  he  pershood  a  Neck  or  nuthin  pollysee."  Skarsly 
hed  the  larf  at. this  killin  wittyschism  sobsided,  when  Mr.  Lin- 
coln, with  a  glistenin  eye,  perpounded  anulher.  "  Why,"  ses  he, 
"  is  our  esteemable  frend  from  Ohio  like  a  lottery  dealer  ?"  Blair 
thort  it  was  prehaps  on  ackount  of  his  bein  engaged  to  be  marrid, 
and  marridge  bein  a  lottery.  Bat  the  President  informd  us,  with 
a  wink,  that  it  was  "  bekase  he  was  the  Chance  Seller  of  the 
Exchecker."  Mr.  Chase  lucked  rayther  blank  at  this  definishin, 
and  edgin  his  way  outer  the  crowd  around  the  Eggseggative, 
went  and  sot  down  in  the  furthest  corner  of  the  rum,  whar  he 
tuck  the  Mansipayshin  Proclamashin  outer  his  pocket,  and  began 
to  stucldy  it.  Shortly  arter  that  I  made  my  adoos,  as  the  French 
say,  and  as  I  past  out  he  was  still  porin  over  that  interestin 
dockyment,  Avith  evry  aperience  of  a  man  in  the  airly  stages  of 
morril  insanity. 

I  spose  the  publick  will  expeck  my  opinyun  of  the  Mancipay- 
shin  Proclamashin  in  this  letter.  The  publick  will  be  disap- 
pinted.  I  hev  oney  hed  it  in  my  hands  a  few  hours — for  the 
President  made  it  entirely  outer  his  own  head  without  consultin 
me — and  Ime  not  sartain  that  I  onclerstand  it.  I  think  howsever 
I  shall  be  abel  to  git  it  thro  my  bar  by  the  date  of  my  next 
epistol,  and  ontil  then  I  remain  (runiinatin  deeply), 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBAKDED  VOLUNTEER. 


A.    DISBANDED     VOLTJNTEEB.  237 

No.  LXXXIII. 

[The  out-spoken  old  soldier  gives  below,  in  Ms  own  peculiar 
style,  the  details  of  a  highly  interesting  conversation  between 
himself  and  the  President,  in  relation  to  the  Emancipation 
Manifesto  and  other  matters  ol  moment.  The  patriotic  reader 
will  be  pleased  to  learn  that  the  fi  ank  interchange  of  sentiments 
between  Mr.  Lincoln  and  his  truest  friend,  which  was  for  a  time 
interrupted  by  a  clique  of  politicians  whom  it  would  be  gross 
flattery  to  call  statesmen,  has  been  renewed  under  circumstances 
equally  honorable  to  both  parties. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  January  8, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Herkary : 

Senst  my  last,  the  President  and  me  hes  hed  a  confldenshil 
confab  on  the  Mansipayshin  Proclamashin.  In  consekens  of 
the  intreegs  of  sarlain  snaiks  in  the  grass,  that  is  a  hissin  and  a 
skorn  to  all  straitforrard  paytryits,  a  coolness  hed  sprung  up 
atween  us,  but  on  "Wensday  he  gin  me  a  speshil  awjence  and  we 
renewed  the  intent  cordial  over  a  glass  of  the  prime  old  Hennes- 
see,  witch  he  keeps  in  a  privit  cubby  hole  for  the  use  off  his  troo 
frencls.  Altho  a  Total  Obstinant  hisself  he  sor  no  resin,  he  sed, 
why  an  old  wetterun  like  D.  V.  shouldn't  wet  his  whissel  with  « 
thimbulful  of  O.  D.  V.  now  and  then  ef  he  felt  like  it. 

This  prclimindary  bein  disposed  of  he  axed  roe,  as  a  man  sirk- 
elatin  freely  in  sosity,  wot  the  publick  at  large  thortof  the  Edick 
of  the  First  of  January. 

Ses  I,  "  Sum  thinks  its  a  big  meshure,  and  uther  sum  that 
youve  put  your  foot  in  it." 

"And  wot  do  you  think  of  it,"  he  remarkt  rayther  nar- 
vusly. 

"  Wai,"  ses  I,  "  I  considder  it  a  new  pruff  that  the  pen  is  nri- 
tyer'n  the  swoord  ;  for  it  peers  to  me  that  wot  your  pen  rit  in 
hai'e  an  hour  it  will  take  an  alltejus  long  time  for  the  swoord  to 
redooce  to  practiss. 

"  Then  I  spose  you  luck  upon  it  as  a  bad  egg,"  rejined  he. 
"  Your  idee  is  that  ontil  weve  whipt  the  whites  its  no  use  tor- 
kin  about  braking  the  yoke  of  the  blacks." 

"  Not  eggsackly  that,"  I  replied,  "  but  it  doos  seem  to  me  that 
pen  and  ink  manyfesters  is  ridickalus  here,  without  sum  moove- 
ment  in  the  army  stashinery  at  Falinouth." 


238  WAB     LETTERS    Off 

"  But,"  subjested  the  President,  "  thars  a  fine  openin  for  the 
proclamashin  in  the  Sow  West.  See  how  Kosencranch  hes 
druv  the  rebels  outer  Murphysburrow." 

"  My  sangwin  frend,"  ses  I,  "  I  hevent  made  up  my  mind  yet 
whether  Rosencranch  has  wun  a  victry  or  barly  eskaped  a  de- 
feet.  And  besides,"  I  added  smutherin  a  larf,  "  youve  blocked 
your  own  game  in  that  kwarter  by  speshilly  eggseptin  the  dar- 
keys of  Tennessee,  Kaintucky,  and  Missoora,  from  the  blessin  of 
bein  '  hensforrard  and  forever  free.'  Whar  you  could  hev  gin 
Sambo  libty  and  helped  him  to  maintain  it,  you  hev  left  him  in 
slavery,  and  whar  you  hevent  a  man  or  a  gun  to  back  him,  you 
hev  invited  him  to  rise  with  the  sartainty  of  gettin  his  throat 
cut." 

"  D.  V.,  I'm  afeard  you  put  the  case  too  traoly,"  he  responded, 
"but  it  never  struck  me  in  that  light  afore." 

"  That's  bekase  you  lent  your  ear  to  a  passel  of  asses,"  ses  I, 
"  insted  of  trustin  to  a  faithful  old  hoss  like  me,  as  never  bolts 
the  strait  track  of  common  sense  and  common  jestice.  You  fol- 
ler  the  lead  of  them  Constitooshinal  Advisers  of  youm,  and  see 
ef  they  don't  land  you  on  your  head  in  the  bottomless  pit  of 
pollytickle  perdishin,"  ses  I. 

"Wot  ken  I  doo?"  he  eggsclamed  implorinly.  "I'm  like 
Isacur  atwixt  two  burdens — wot  ken  I  do  ?" 

"Kick,"  ses  I,  "send  em  flyin.  Rare  up  in  madjesty  of  your 
manhood,  and  giv  em  goss.  Moove  the  Army  of  the  Potomac 
from  the  banks  of  the  Rapperhammock  Avhar's  its  no  more  use 
than  Faro's  host  at  the  bottom  of  the  Red  Sea.  Thar's  more 
roads  to  Richmound  than  wun,  isent  thar  ?"  ses  I. 

"  But  Stanton  and  Halleck  both  say — " 

"  In  coarse  they  both  say,"  I  shouted  skcrnfully,  "  theyre  the 
greatest  sayers  out  Wot  the  Kentry  wants  is  sumboddy  that 
will  do." 

"  I  know  it,  I  feel  it,"  ses  he,  "  but  wots  to  be  dun  ?" 

"  Ship  em,"  I  replide.  "  Give  em  thar  walkin  papers  and  try 
Holt  and  Butler,  or  Butler  and  Maclellin  in  thar  places.  I  used 
to  think  Maclellin  was  rayther  slow,  but  I  don't  bleve  it  would 
ever  take  him  a  fortnit  to  send  a  lot  of  pontoons  a  hunderd 
milds." 

'"  It  sartainly  wouldn't  pay,"  ses  the  President  musingly,  "  for 
that  army  to  remain  moshinless  in  Statue  Co  all  winter.  The 
nayshinal  eggspenditoors  is  uppards  of  two  millyuns  a  day  and 
not  four  hunderd  thousand  cummin  iu,  and  the  iucum  tax  not 
due  for  four  munts  yet." 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  289 

"  Pay !"  I  cried,  jumpin  onto  a  cheer  in  a  aggerny  of  irrita- 
sliin.  "  Pay !  I  tell  you  it  would  break  the  Nayshin's  hart." 

"  "Wall,"  ses  he,  in  a  husky  vice,  "  wot  route  do  you  think 
Burnside  oughter  take." 

I  sot  down,  and  dippin  my  finger  in  the  water  pitcher,  drord  a 
cumpleat  map  of  the  seat  of  war  in  Virginny  on  the  rosewood 
table,  includin  the  Rapperhammock,  the  Rapid  Ann,  the  James, 
the  York,  the  Ohickenhominy,  the  Pawmonkey,  Shocko  Crick, 
Hamton  Rodes,  Fort  Monro  and  the  Rip  Raps.  That  dun  I  laid 
down  a  line  of  march,  witch  if  follerd  up,  would  land  us  in 
Richmound  by  the  middle  of  February.  The  President  ap- 
prooved  the  plan,  and  ef  he  lies  the  firmness  to  stick  to  it  and 
ken  find  ennybody  as  is  competent  to  carry  it  out,  we  may  yet 
dictate  turms  of  peace  from  the  rebel  capital,  afore  our  own  cap- 
ital is  all  eggspended.  I  am  not  aloud  even  to  wisper  the  par- 
ticklers  in  confidens ;  but  I  raaly  think  that  ef  the  President's 
vertebray  doosent  give  out,  the  back  bone  of  the  rebellyun  will 
hev  to  give  in.  Wishin  speedy  destruckshin  to  the  latter  spinal 
collume  and  more  vim  and  viggor  to  the  former  I  remain,  the 
President's  Right  Hand  Man  and 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.   LXXXIV. 

[If  ever  our  patriotic  correspondent  was  fervidly  in  earnest, 
it  was  when  he  wrote  the  following  letter.  It  was  evidently 
Indited  under  strong  excitement ;  yet,  after  all,  he  only  gives 
expression  to  the  thoughts  of  every  man  of  common  sense  who, 
without  prejudice,  fear,  or  favor,  looks  the  present  crisis  squarely 
in  the  face. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  January  23, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

It  takes  considabul  to  ruin  a  great  kentry ;  but  the  thing  ken 
be  dun,  ef  a  jint  stock  cumpany  of  loonatisks,  and  fools,  and 
swindlers,  and  theves  is  entrusted  with  the  job,  and  keeps  at  it 
long  enuff.  This  gloryus  republick,  Messrs.  Eddyturs,  is  now 
at  the  marcy  of  a  seleck  few  from  the  two  first  classes,  and  a 
multitood  as  uo  man  ken  number  from  the  two  last ;  and  things 


240  WAR    LETTEB.8     OF 

looks  as  favorabul  for  its  goin  to  everlastin  smash  as  enny 
enemee  of  free  institooshuns  and  frend  of  the  devil  ken  possably 
desire.  Tbars  obstickles  in  the  way,  I  admit.  We  hev  a  furrin 
trade  as  carries  our  sales  and  paddles  into  evry  sea.  We  hev 
eenamost  onlimited  intarnal  resorses.  We  hev  an  army  of  a 
millyun  of  the  bravest  men  as  ever  sholdered  a  shootin-iron,  in 
the  feeld  ;  and  a  navy  of  three  hundred  and  fifty  ships  and  thirty- 
five  thousand  sailors  on  the  oshin  and  in  harbor.  Bat  nolwith- 
standin  all  this,  our  merchant  vessels  is  burned  by  pirits  so  near 
our  shores  that  we  ken  purty  nigh  smell  the  smoke ;  furrin  craft 
runs  throo  our  blockadin  skwadrons  as  easy  as  fallin  off  a  log ; 
our  credit  and  carrickter  arnung  the  nashins  of  the  airth  is  nix ; 
and  our  armies  is  led  into  the  most  convenient  places  that  is  to 
be  found  on  the  map  for  bein  slortered  without  the  slightest 
chanst  for  victry.  It  may  take  some  years  to  rooin  the  Nay  shin, 
even  by  this  paytent  prosess,  for  it  is  tufier  "n  indy  rubber,  and 
twiste  as  springy ;  but  with  parseverance  and  the  assistence  of 
id3rotic  currency  tinkers  and  smart  Guverrnent  comtractors,  the 
eend  may  be  ackomplisht,  ef  our  eggsellent  President,  the  seck- 
ind  edishin  of  the  Father  of  his  Kentry,  with  all  the  modern 
improovements,  presarves  his  Roman  firmness,  and  keeps  his 
foot  set  down  agen  all  changes  in  his  Cabnet. 

You  mustn't  spose,  Messrs.  Eddyturs,  that  I  mean  enny  disres- 
peck  to  that  extrornary  man.  His  buzzum  is  full  of  paj-tryotic 
sentiments  jest  about  as  good  as  they  make  ern.  Even  wen  his 
head  misleeds  him,  he  is  allus,  to  use  an  eggspreshin  of  his  own, 
"  sound  on  the  goose''.  The  difiikulty  is  this.  Sartain  mem- 
bers of  the  Cabnel  hev  perswaded  him  that  with  thar  assistance 
he  ken  restore  the  Union,  and  not  otherways.  Ef  they  hed  told 
him  that  they  tharselves,  by  thar  own  onassisted  talent  and 
genus  could  put  things  strait,  his  nateral  penetrashin  would  hev 
seen  throo  em,  and  overboard  theyd  hev  went.  But  by  makin 
him  the  hero  of  the  drayrna  and  pretendin  to  be  soopernoomerees, 
they  hev  contrived  to  identify  tharselves  with  hisself  on  the 
united-we-stand-divided-we-fall  prenceple,  and  he  acktilly  thinks 
that  ef  he  was  to  dismiss  ein,  the  kentry  would  cullaps  and  the 
Guverment  be  a  goner. 

In  coarse  I  hev  labored  faithfully  to  cure  him  of  this  onhappy 
noshin,  but  I  find  it  oupossabul  to  make  the  desired  impresshin. 
He  perfesses  the  same  frenship  for  me  as  ever.  He  brings  out 
the  Coneyac  and  liungoheeler  as  ushil,  and  lissens  to  my  eggs- 
posishins  with  the  solemnity  of  a  nainshent  Nester,  but  when  I 
hev  sed  my  say,  insted  of  givin  me  an  approovin  nod,  as  he 


A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEK.          241 

used  to  do  formally,  he  signifies  his  dissent  in  a  brace  of  shakes. 
Ime  sumtimes  iuklined  to  think  his  head  is  going.  Ken  it  be 
that  a  black  cloud  is  getherin  over  that  wunst  fair  intelleck?  Is 
it  declinin  from  fair  to  liiicldlin,  and  will  it  finally  run  emptyins  ? 
I  say  to  myself,  sumtimes,  is  this  man,  wunst  considerd  so  clar- 
sighted,  destined  to  becurn  a  Leer.  Will  a  time  cum  when  like 
that  onfortnit  monnick  he  will  not  know  tnutF  to  go  in  when  it 
rains  ?  It  may  be  so.  We  know  what  we  air,  but  we  know  not 
wot  we  shall  be.  We  know  wot  he  is,  but  the  Lord  oney  knows 
wot  he  will  be. 

In  the  meantime — and  a  very  mean  time  it  is — the  Coiistitoo- 
shinal  Advisers  persoos  thar  ornary  line  of  pollysee.  The  Seck- 
atry  of  War  and  his  milentary  twin  the  General  in  Cheef  con- 
tinues cam  and  cumpleasant.  The  dead  of  Fredericksburg  and 
Vicksbug  peers  to  sit  eesy  on  thar  souls.  Wot  thar  futur  plans 
is  I  dont  know.  Praps  they  place  thar  trust  in  Providence, 
praps  in  the  chapter  of  axedents ;  a  chapter  to  which  thar  per- 
ceedins  hes  made  so  menny  horribul  addishins.  Sartainly  they 
dont  relic  on  the  Army  of  the  Potomac,  witch,  accordin  to  tho 
hyferlutin  of  wun  of  em,  hes  "  ceast  to  eggsisi".  Sum  thousands 
of  its  oridginal  members  hes  ondoubtedly  "  ceast  to  eggsist", 
thanks  to  the  negleck  of  the  War  Department,  in  failin  to 
see  to  the  fulfillment  of  its  own  orders,  and  in  buckin  brest- 
bones  agen  brestwurks  at  Fredericksburg.  Ef  the  epaletted 
funkshinary  as  made  the  remark,  and  Avho  never  was  onder  fire 
senst  the  Lord  made  him,  lied  "  ceast  to  eggsist",  hafe  an  hour 
arter  he  becum  a  ginralissimo  at  Washinton,  it  would  hev  ben  a 
blessed  suckemstance.  But  of  individyals  of  his  kidney,  "  few 
dies  and  nun  resigns.'' 

Wai,  this  army,  dead  or  alive,  is  now  across  the  Rapperham- 
mock,  and  between  this  and  Sunday  you  and  me  and  the  public, 
may  hev  an  opportoonity  to  know  wether  Major-Ginral  Halleck's 
intiinashin  that  it  is  a  disorganized  mob  is  troo  or  false.  If  it 
onfortaitly  proove  troo  let  the  blame  rest  upon  him  and  Stanton, 
who  placed  at  the  head  of  the  flour  of  -the  American  Army  a 
leder  as  declared  hisself  incompetent  to  command  it,  and  who 
failed  to  supply  him  with  the  means  of  crossin  the  Rapperharn- 
mock  when  he  could  hev  obtaned  an  eesy  victry.  Skirmishin, 
ef  not  a  giural  engagement,  is  now  goin  on  atwixt  a  porshin  of 
Burnsicle'g  troops  and  Ginral  Lee's  rare,  and  the  bleef  in  Wash- 
ington is  that  we  hev  hcd  the  wurst  of  it. 

But  Ime  forgettin  that  afore  this  epistol  cums  to  hand  youll 
know  the  trooth — or  at  leest  as  much  of  it  as  the  milentary 
11 


342  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

blatherskites  as  rools  the  roast  here,  thinks  the  suverin  peeple 
oughter  know. 

Hopin  for  the  best,  and  trustin  that  the  God  of  Armies  will 
nooteralize  the  assanine  counsels  and  projecks  of  the  idyots 
who  hev  wasted  so  much  preshus  blood,  and  giv  us  success  in 
spite  of  em,  I  remain,  prayin  for  the  Union, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LXXXV. 

[Like  a  true  friend,  the  Disbanded  this  week  comes  to  the 
rescue  of  the  President,  and  ably  combats  the  aspersions  which 
have  been  cast  upon  his  intellectual  powers.  With  generous 
devotedness,  he  endeavors  to  show  that  the  charges  of  imbecility 
made  against  our  excellent  Chief  Magistrate  are  in  the  highest 
degree  indecorous  and  improper.  He  scarifies  Senator  Sauls- 
bury,  of  Delaware,  for  denouncing  him  as  incompetent,  and 
manifests  the  warmest  sympathy  for  him  as  a  ruler,  a  man,  and 
a  brother. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  January  80, 1862 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

A  purty  state  of  things  we're  cummin  to,  when  a  Sennitor 
gits  up  in  his  place  and  charges  the  Head  of  the  Nashin  with 
imbesillyty.  Saulsberry,  a  copperhead  from  the  humapathic 
State  of  Delawar,  as  you  air  well  awar,  a  tacted  the  highest 
publick  funkshiimary  in  the  most  vipertuperative  langwidge  on 
Tuesday  last.  He  sed,  in  efFeck,  that  the  modern  Father  of  his 
Kentry  was  a  rnissabul  spoon,  for  witch  he  was  very  properly 
taken  inter  custardy,  notwithstandin  his  attemp  to  inaugcrate  a 
rcvolushin  with  his  revolver.  I  rite  warmly  on  the  subjeck,  for 
I  feel  riled  and  put  by  to  think  that  myillustrus  frend  should  be 
held  up  to  public  conternp  as  a  foo-foo.  Ef  it  lied  a  ben  a  Con- 
stitooshinal  Adviser  now,  I  wouldent  hev  keered  a  mite  ;  but  to 
call  honest  Old  Abe  a  ninnycumpoop  right  out  in  meetin,  thus 
givin  countenance  to 'the  skandalus  reports  of  that  nater  sirkila- 
tin  all  over  the  kentry,  peers  to  me  to  be  sackreligus  and  onchris- 
trian.  Even  ef  our  paytryotic  Cheef  Madgistrit,  insted  of  bein, 
as  he  is,  the  Solomon  of  the  Western  Heniaspear,  worrit  more'n 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  243 

half  rocked,  would  it  be  right  for  wun  of  his  own  kentrymen, 
nussed  in  the  same  cradle  of  Libty  as  hisself,  and  ockapyin  a 
seat  in  the  Upper  House,  to  call  him  a  nidiot  ?  George  the  Third 
acktilly  was  a  nidiot,  and  yet  I  never  heerd  of  a  member  of  the 
Brittish  Parleyment  throwin  it  up  to  him  in  3  speetch. 

I  was  on  the  flore  of  the  Sennit  when  the  Delawar  chap  pitcht 
inter  the  President,  and  am  bound  to  say  that  his  remarks  was 
extree-venamus  ;  so  much  so  that  I  felt  it  to  be  my  dooty  to  call 
at  the  White  House  and  simperthise  with  its  ockypant  as  I  would 
with  a  bruther.  Ses  I  to  him  :  "  Wot  ef  you  did  hold  palavers 
with  Burnside's  offsirs,  onbeknown  to  him ;  and  wot  ef  you  did 
encurridge  em  to  pore  thar  greevances  inter  your  privit  ear  ;  and 
wot  ef  you  did  dekline  to  remoov  em  when  the  Ginral  ackused 
em  of  undermindin,  and  baring  false  witness  and  leaguin  together 
to  set  the  army  agin  him,  hedent  you  a  right  to  do  it  ?  Air  you 
not,"  ses  I,  "the  Cummander-in-Cheef;  and  ef  you  chuse  to  be 
gided  by  back-stair  reports  in  your  milentary  pollysee,  is  that 
enny  pruff,"  ses  I,  "  that  your  brain's  addled  ?  Spose  you  did 
pervent  Macdoil  from  jinin  Maclellin  at  the  critickle  moment, 
and  interfear  with  Burnside  when  he  thort  he  hed  a  shoor  thing, 
thats  not  to  say  you're  an  ignoramus." 

Horris  Greely's  idees  about  stoppin  the  war  in  May  or  June, 
ef  we  dont  lick  the  rebels  and  make  em  sue  for  a  piece  by  that 
time,  is  creatin  considabul  of  a  sensashin  here,  and  it  is  torked 
around  in  pollytickle  sirkils  that  him  and  the  French  Plenipeni- 
tentiary  and  the  French  Ernpror  is  skeemin  to  hev  France  o<fer 
mediashin  immediently.  I  gess  Nap  the  III  wont  ketch  us  nap- 
pin,  ef  he  tries  it  on.  Ef  he  wants  to  wake  up  a  hornet's  nest 
and  git  his  comb  cut,  jest  let  him  thrust  his  nose  inter  the"  Union 
hive,  thats  all.  Ime  sprised  that  Horris,  who  hes  hertofore  starnly 
refused  to  countenance  ennything  in  the  shape  of  a  divishin  of 
the  Union,  should  kinder  turn  doe-face  now.  His  vews  is  gall 
and  wurmwood  to  the  comtracktors  here,  who  are  all  in  faver  of 
carryin  on  the  war  to  the  bitter  eend.  They  think  he  oughter 
be  rested  at  wunst  for  high  treason,  and  brort  on  here  onder  a 
warrant  from  the  Seckatry  of  State.  Sartainly,  Boilo,  of  tho 
Philadelphy  Eoening  Jemil,  got  inter  hot  water  for  a  much  less 
matter.  But,  as  the  sayin  is,  sum  men  ken  steel  hosses  without 
bein  hawld  up  for  it,  while  uther  sum  is  licable  to  be  hung  for 
hevin  a  halter  about  em.  In  the  Supreme  Court  abuv  thars  no 
distinkshin  of  pursons  ;  but  our  supreme  orthorities  not  onrre- 
kwently  shets  thar  eyes  to  the  pickadillies  of  pursons  of  destink- 
shin,  and  takes  it  out  in  flaxin  out  the  noboddies.  It  seems 


244  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

strange  to  menny  that  the  eddytur  of  the  Inboon,  arter  promisin 
nigh  onto  a  millyun  of  men  to  the  Gruverment  as  sun  as  the 
mansipayshin  of  the  blacks  and  the  confisticashin  of  the  property 
of  the  rebel  whites  was  proclamecl,  should  be  the  first  to  cum 
forrard  in  faver  of  backin  out.  But  pollytickle  eddyturs  is  not 
like  uther  men^,  they  air  fearfully  and  wunderfully  made,  and 
partake  considabul  of  the  nater  of  that  singlar  fowl  called  the 
wethercock,  which  allus  changes  frunt  in  a  storm.  I  may  men- 
shin  as  a  case  in  pint,  that  it  is  whisperd  around  here  amung 
New  Yorkers  that  Thurlo  Weed  is  goin  to  form  a  coalishin 
with  Wood  for  the  porpus  of  gettin  up  a  great  controllin  par- 
ty in  your  State.  It  may  not  be  altogether  troo,  prehaps,  but 
whar  thars  so  mutch  smoke  thars  shoor  to  be  sum  fire,  and 
when  getch  eggstreams  meets,  it  shows  the  rottenness  of  party 
pollyticks. 

Thars  also  a  rummer  here  that  my  destingwished  brother 
Unionist,  the  President,  is  in  faver  of  closin  up  the  war  wun 
way  or  tuther  in  ninety  days,  but  I  feel  satisfide  the  story  is  a 
cunard  set  aflote  by  agents  of  the  Brittish  Guverment,  and  Ime 
inklined  to  think  that  the  curryspondent  of  the  London  Times 
in  your  city  is  at  the  bottom  of  it.  I  onderstand  Seckatry  Sew- 
ard  lies  his  eye  on  the  swell,  and  ef  he  doosent  look  out,  its  not 
onlikely  that  he'll  git  hisself  in  a  tight  place  sunner'n  he  andiz- 
zypates. 

The  trooth  is  that  the  issoo  of  the  war  is  nuther  more  nor 
less  than  a  kwestin  of  endoorance.  Ef  we  dont  cave  in,  the 
rebels  must ;  and  its  my  bleef  that  ef  they  warnt  encurridged 
by  a  passel  of  white-liverd  Nuthern  eddyturs  and  speetch- 
makers,  they'd  cry  pigcavi  right  away. 

With  sentiments  of  perfound  contemp  for  setch  reptyles,  I 
remane,  with  a  cuss  on  all  cowards, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LXXXVI. 

[A  sly  letter,  a  very  sly  letter,  this  week.  No  body  under- 
stands better  than  our  quizzical  correspondent  that  "  undeserved 
praise  is  censure  in  disguise".  We  recommend  his  compliment- 
ary notices  of  the  navy  and  war  luminaries  to  the  sympathies 
of  our  readers. — EDS.] 


A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER.          245 

NAYSHINAI,  HOTTEL,  WASIUNGTON,  February  5, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

Gurus,  isent  it,  that  jest  e,s  wo  was  on  the  pint  of  razing  Charles- 
tun  to  the  ground,  thar  should  be  strong  ground  for  sposin  that 
Charlestun  lies  razed  the  blockaid.  Makin  all  doo  deduckshins 
for  Bowerygard's  eggsagerashins  and  Ingarhuin's  bolderdash,  the 
tail  cummin  as  it  doos  ofishally  from  head  kwarters  kennot  be 
sot  clown  as  altogether  a  fish  story.  Grandfather  "VYhitehead,  the 
venabul  sumnambulist  as  holds  the  portfoolyou  of  the  Navy 
Department,  bleves  it  I  onderstand.  As  he  was  awar  that  the 
rebels  was  gettin  reddy  two  powerful  iron  rams  at  Charlestun, 
and  that  we  lied  nuthin  fit  to  tackel  em  in  the  harbor,  he  nater- 
ally  concloods  tliat  they  may  have  bucked  inter  the  squodrun 
and  given  us  considabul  of  a  muttoning.  With  his  ushil 
prompness,  howsever,  he  no  sunner  heerd  of  the  owdashus  at- 
tact,  than  he  ordered  four  more  gunboats  to  be  sent  South  from 
the  New  York  Navy  Yard,  with  immedient  dispatch,  and  I  lam 
on  good  orthority  that  ef  nuthin  onforseen  happens,  the  Nan- 
tuckit,  the  Samgamnion,  and  two  uther  iron  clads  may  be  lucked 
for  on  the  seen  of  the  late  outrage  in  about  two  weeks.  The 
Department  is  beseeched  by  scores  of  ankshus  inkwirers,  and 
the  eggsightment  is  intens.  But  the  Seckatry  is  ekwil  to  the 
immerginsea.  He  strokes  his  baird  self-cumpleasantly,  and  ses 
we  must  be  prepard  for  ockashinal  discomforters.  Upon  the 
hull,  he  thinks  the  Charlestun  affair  won't  turn  out  to  be  mutch 
wurse'n  than  the  Merrimack's  flare  up  in  Hamton  Roads,  or  the 
Galvestunjfaas&o.  It  lies  ben  subjested  to  him  in  a  mild  and 
frendly  wisper,  that  as  luck  appeers  to  be  agin  him,  it  wouldent 
be  a  bad  idee  for  him  to  resign ;  but  he  intermates  that  he  will 
sheer  the  forten  of  the  nayshin  as  long  as  Uncle  Sam  hes  a  shot 
in  the  locker.  The  slytest  hint  at  desartin  the  President  at  the 
present  junkter  mooves  him  to  tears.  Borroring  a  nietafore 
from  his  former  line  of  life  he  swars  he  will  never  give  up  his 
post  ontil  the  King  of  Terrors  consines  him  to  the  ded  letter 
office.  The  tenassity  of  Constitooshinal  Advisers  is  amazin. 
Ticks  clings  doggedly  to  the  cuetickle  of  a  tarrier,  mussels  holds 
on  like  grim  death  to  the  rocks,  and  barnickles  on  ships  bottoms 
sticks  clostern  a  bruther,  but  the  way  a  Constitooshinal  Adviser 
adhears  to  his  "  coin  of  vantage",  as  the  poick  ses,  is  a  oawshin 
to  Cabnet  curosities.  You  will  recolleck  that  when  it  was  hinted 
around  that  the  diffydent  Stanton  and  the  vidgelant  and  thort- 
ful  Halleck  was  about  to  retire,  I  clident  goinside  with  the  ginral 
opiuyun  cggsprcst  by  outsiders  on  that  subjeck.  I  new  those 


248  WAB     LETTERS     OF 

great  men  of  old.  I  was  awar  of  thar  devoshin  to  prenceple 
and  that  intrest  was  a  seckendary  considerashin  with  em.  I  was 
satisfied  that  there  was  no  sackrifiz  they  warn't  prepard  to 
make,  sunner'n  shift  the  responsability  to  uther  sholders.  And 
line  proud  to  say  I  didn't  put  too  low  an  estimit  on  thar  paytry- 
itism.  Look  at  em.  Thar  they  stand,  firm  and  self-possest,  like 
two  Payshenses  on  a  Moneyrnent  smildin  at  Grief.  As  for  Seck- 
atry  Welles  I  consider  him  anuther  Markus  Curtis  reddy  for  a 
rush  inter  the  Gulf  whenever  his  kentry  demands  the  fatal 
splurge. 

The  Triboon's  last  propersishin,  to  eend  the  war  with  the 
present  camppain,  no  matter  witch  whips,  is  perdoocin  the  live- 
liest ernoshins  of  hope,  and  gratitood  in  the  buzzums  of  the 
eeecesh  simperthisers  here.  His  bold  novel  and  strikin  asser- 
shin  that  "  ef  our  armies  do  not  whip  theirn,  theirn  '11  whip 
ourn"  is  univarsally  konsiderd  a  masterpeace  of  lodgic.  Seward 
allows  it  is  a  perfound  syllygism,  redooced  to  its  simplest  form. 

My  holesold  feller  paytryit,  the  Honabul  Abe,  is  in  a  per- 
plexhi  perdickyment.  For  a  long  time,  as  the  kentry  is  awar, 
he  was  a  kinder  Shuttlecock  atwixt  the  Democratick  and  the 
Radical  battle  doors,  but  findin  it  was  onpossabul  to  carry  on  the 
war  that  way,  he  finaly  sobsided  inter  the  hands  of  the  Radicals, 
eggspectin  in  coarse  that  they  would  keep  him  up.  And  now 
what  doos  the  file  leader  of  the  Radical  press  doo  but  fly  off  the 
hanclel,  and  in  effeck  advise  him  to  sho  the  white  fether  and  giv 
up  the  game.  But  He  say  this  for  Abraham  Lincoln ;  he  hesn't 
the  most  distant  noshin  of  givin  up  onder  enny  suckemstances 
wotsumdever.  On  menny  subjecks  he  hes  difirent  noshins  at 
diffrent  times,  but  on  the  kwestin  of  fighten  Rebellyun  to  the 
last  dollar,  the  last  man,  the  last  ditch,  and  the  last  day,  ef  in 
the  coarse  of  human  events  it  should  becum  nessary,  he  is  per- 
feckly  unannymus.  Depend  upon  it  A.  Lincoln  will  never  de- 
sart  E  P  Unum. 

We  are  lookin  for  noose  from  Vicksburg  and  from  Foster's 
eggspedishin  evry  hour,  and  tho  hopin  for  the  best  air  prepard 
for  the  wurst.  Arter  the  Charlestun  calamity,  nuthin  ken  take 
us  by  supprise. 

Washington  has  ben  blue  with  uniforms  senst  the  cold  snap 
sot  in.  Heroes  with  bad  colds  cums  in  on  furlows  evry  day 
kivered  with  goose  pimples,  and  ankshus  for  hot  whisky-skins. 
Willard's  hed  nine  hunderd  gests  the  uther  day,  and  the  Nay- 
shinal  is  jest  as  full  as  it  can  cram.  Our  confirmed  bragadear- 
ginrals  is  lyin  loose  around  evrywhars  in  a  busted  up  condishin  ; 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  247 

and  feeld  and  line  offsirs  that  oney  want  tappin  to  yeeld  as 
menny  kinder  sperrcts  as  Anderson  lies  in  his  madgic  dernnie- 
jon,  is  as  thick  as  sample  vials  in  a  liker  uiarchent's  rack. 

Trustcn  that  afore  this  letter  gets  inter  prent,  we  shall  hev  sum 
good  tidins  to  take  away  the  bitter  taste  of  the  last  dismal  doste, 
I  remain,  ondauntedly, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.   LXXXVH. 

[A  queer  communication  from  our  cranky  correspondent. 
Verily,  he  is  no  respecter  of  persons  or  personages.  In  fact,  he 
has  a  particular  predilection  for  "  shining  marks",  and  nothing 
suits  him  better  than  to  take  the  shine  out  of  them,  when  it  hap- 
pens to  be  mere  varnish.  He  cares  no  more  for  high  function- 
aries than  he  does  for  a  frame  of  ten-pins,  and  would  just  a  lief 
bowl  them  down.  In  the  following  letter  he  makes  a  ten-strike. 
Some  may  think,  however,  that  he  rolls  his  ball  with  a  little  too 
much  bias. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  February  13, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Herkary : 

The  sore  feelin  pervalin  at  the  Seat  of  Guverment  hes  ben 
considabully  aggervated  by  the  owdayshus  kicks  reseutly  re- 
seved  from  the  rebels  at  Galvustun  Bay  and  the  Sublime  Pass- 
Rare  Admiral  Ferrygut  reports  that  the  "  Harriet  Lane  "  surren- 
derd  to  the  enemee's  catamarans  in  a  most  pussylanirnuss  man- 
ner. Its  troo  the  wind  oney  came  in  cat'spaws,  and  tharfbre  she 
couldent  hev  clawed  off,  but  ef  she'd  ben  properly  handeld,  and 
hed  pitched  inter  the  cotton  skows  tooth  and  toe-nail,  thars  no 
dout  she  raout  hev  made  thar  fur  fly.  Then  thars  the  "  Mornin 
Light,"  anuther  dark  bizness.  Her  cumrnander,  it  seems,  gin  up 
the  ship  without  firin  the  first  gun.  The  Admaril  ses  he  never 
seen  the  match  of  it.  Setch  conduck  is  enulf  to  make  the  niold- 
erin  forms  of  Decaytur  and  Lorrence  start  from  the  supplecur, 
and  to  dror  tears  from  the  eyes  of  Cummodore  Bainbridge's 
nevvy,  ef  that  offshoot  of  a  nobul  stock  still  sirvives.  The  Seck- 
atry  of  the  Navy,  howsever,  is  nowaj'S  decomposed.  He  wares 
his  ushil  cam  and  plassid  aspeckt,  doos  Giddy  Welles.  I  per- 


248  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

sooin  you  will  be  happy  to  larn  that  altho  enlistin  lies  &topt,  and 
desarshins  from  the  ranks  is  large  and  frekwent,  the  number  of 
paytryits  willin  to  sarve  thar  kentry  in  the  capassity  of  feeld  ofisirs 
increses  evry  day.  My  illustrus  feller  citysin,  the  acsessible 
Abe,  hes  sent  fifteen  hunderd  milentary  nominashins  inter  the 
Sennit,  and  a  new  swarm  of  epaletted  lowcussess,  ankshus  for  a 
chanst  at  the  greenbacks,  will,  no  dout,  shortly  make  thar  appe- 
rience  on  Pcnnsylvany  avenoo.  Whar  they  air  to  find  room  to 
epred  tharselves  is  more'n  I  no,  onless  the  perleece  drives  the 
civillians  inter  the  side  streets,  in  order  to  give  the  newly-many- 
factered  fire-eaters  thar  full  swing.  As  it  is,  bragadears,  and 
kwartermasters,  and  kermis,  and  adjewtants,  and  cetery,  is 
thicker'n  monkeys  in  the  Straits  of  Baffleman,  whar  they  kant 
squar  the  yards  without  brushin  of  ein  off  the  rocks.  And  as 
sun  as  the  hard  fightin  begins,  I  dessay  it  will  be  an  all-scared 
eight  wurse.  Its  butiful  to  see  how  ankshus  sum  milentary  men 
air  to  rally  around  the  President  when  thars  danger  abroad. 
Setch  prufis  off  devoshin  must  tutch  his  hart,  onless  he  is  made 
of  stun ;  witch  he  isent — but,  on  the  contrary,  all  softness. 

Congress  is  as  bizzy  as  the  devil  in  a  hurrycain.  Senniter 
Wilson's  bill  for  mnkin  evry  mail  citysin  abel  to  bare  amis  for 
his  kentry  a  sojer,  is  likely  to  pass  and  to  be  carrid  out  to  the 
letter.  It  applies  to  purty  mutch  the  hull  abcl-boclded  maskaline 
poppylashin,  and  gives  the  President  the  power  to  use  em  by  the 
kwantity  as  ockashin  rekwires.  The  bill's  eenamost  sartain  to  be 
a  lor,  and  thar  11  be  a  lively  time  ginrally  -when  it  cums  to  be 
enforst.  Menny  thinks  it  will  promote  emmigrashin. 

Then  thars  Senniter  Simmer's  cullerd  ridgement  skeem,  per- 
vidin  for  the  inrollment  of  three  hunderd  thousand  darkeys,  to 
be  paid  sevin  dollars  a  inunth.  As  Mr.  Simmer  purfesses  to  con- 
sidder  a  nigger  a  good  as  a  white  man,  if  not  more  so,  I  wish  to 
ax  him  throo  the  columes  of  the  SUNDAY  MERKARY  why  he 
wants  to  hire  him  at  hafe  price.  Ef  white  bone  and  sinner  is 
wurth  thirteen  dollars  a  inunth  to -shoot  and  be  shot  at,  why 
shouldent  a  wool-and-ebony-man-and-bruther — ef  he  is  raaly  a 
man  and  a  bruther,  as  the  Senniter  ses  he  is — be  paid  at  the 
same  rate  ?  Why  this  invidyus  pqniaiy  destinkshin  atwixt  wool 
and  har  ?  Wavin  this  pint,  I  would  respeckfully  ask  whar  this 
black  force  of  three  hunderd  thousand  is  to  be  drummed  up.  In 
order  to  carry  the  war  inter  Afriky,  you  must  fust  ketch  your 
Afrikins.  How  air  they  to  be  roped  in  ?  It  seems  to  me  that 
this  is  an  important  prevus  kwestin  witch  oughter  be  put  afore  the 
bill  is  past.  It  onfortnitly  happens  that  my  nobul  frend  Abra- 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB.  249 

ham's  proclamashin,  givin  libty  to  the  captive,  is  a  dead  letter 
whar  the  black  race  prencepally  pervails.  In  coarse  we  kant 
make  our  cullerd  kindred  Union  sojcrs  in  the  rejins  of  the  South 
we  dont  "  ockapy  and  possess",  and  in  the  other  rejins — accordin 
to  the  proclamashin — the  slaves  continny  to  be  slaves,  and  we 
hev  no  right  to  take  em  from  thar  masters.  The  Mancipayshin 
Edick  is  an  ingenius  dockyment ;  it  cuts  two  ways,  and  both 
ways  is  ekwilly  redickalus.  Eggseggative  wisdom  is  sum  if  not 
Simmer. 

As  this  Congress  proposes  to  skwander  no  eend  of  munny  (in 
the  form  of  sirkilatin-picters)  afore  it  dissolves,  and  as  March 
forth  is  closte  at  hand,  things  will  be  put  throo  amazin  kwick 
for  the  nex  two  weeks.  The  nine  hunderd  millyun  bill  will 
mebbe  hev  becum  a  law  by  the  time  this  reeches  you,  and  mebbe 
not.  It  is  nip  and  tuck  atwixt  the  Seckatry  of  the  Treshery  and 
the  banks,  but  I  think  the  Seckatry  will  run  em  down  and  the 
spiles  of  the  Chase  be  skewerd  to  the  Guverment. 

I  begin  to  be  orfully  tired  of  Washington,  and  long  to  be  wunst 
more  in  my  old  kwarters  at  the  Saint  Nickalas.  But  it  shell 
never  be  sed  that  I  turnt  my  back  on  Abraham  Lincoln  at  a  time 
when  he  skaisly  knew  witch  eend  of  him  was  uppermost. 
Diddent  I  accunipany  him  from  Illannoy  ?  Diddent  I  revise  his  in- 
augerole  ?  Dident  I  subjest  his — no,  I  did  not  subjesl  his  messidge ! 
Hevent  1  ben  his  Rock  of  Refudge  ?  Hevent  I  stud  atwixt  him 
and  his  Constitooshinal  advisers  when  they  were  bullyraggin 
him  eenamost  to  deth  ?  And  shell  I  forsake  him  now  when  he 
stands  on  the  edge  of  a  pressapeace,  with  wun  leg  over,  and 
onabul  to  keep  hia  center  of  gravity  without  my  help  ?  Never ! 
Perish  the  idee !  Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEB. 


No.  LXXXVHL 

[The  veteran  soldier  and  satirist  seems  to  be  a  good  deal  exer- 
cised on  the  subject  of  the  Conscription  Law,  and  very  properly 
suggests  that,  by  way  of  encouraging  the  people  to  submit  cheer- 
fully to  a  general  enrollment  and  draft,  the  War  Department 
pay  up  the  heavy  arrears  due  to  the  Union  soldiers  now  in  the 
field,  thousands  upon  thousands  of  whom  have  not  received  a 
dollar  for  many  months,  some  of  whom  have  never  seen  the 
11* 


250  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

color  of  tlie  Government's  money,   and  none  of  whom,  we 
believe,  have  been  paid  in  full. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  February  19, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

I  congratilate  the  young  men  of  the  kentry  on  the  new  claws 
interdooced  inter  the  corns^ripshin,  by  the  Conscript  Fathers  of 
the  Sennit.  Accordin  to  the  Sennit's  mendment  Young  America 
is  not  liabul  to  hev  his  idees  taught  how  to  shoot  until  he  reeches 
the  age  of  twenty  years — in  uther  wurds,  he  kennot  be  took  for 
a  privit  ontil  jest  twelve  munths  afore  he  attains  his  mayjority. 
The  probility  is  that  this  benevalent  let  up  for  hobbletehoys  as 
hev  not  seen  twenty  summers,  will  be  sankshind  by  the  poplar 
branch  of  the  nayshinal  legislatoor,  and  the  eggsempshiu,  like 
Mrs.  Winslow's  Soothin  Serrup,  will  proove  a  great  blessin  to 
mothers.  Eighteen  is  too  jewvenile.  The  sperrits  is  boyant  at 
that  age,  to  be  shoor,  but  the  bones  is  not  sot,  and  that  self- 
respeck  and  manly  dignity  witch  grows  outer  familyarity  with 
the  lather  brush  and  the  razor  is  oney  parshilly  developt.  Ef 
our  youth  kennot  be  aloud  to  tarry  in  Jerryco  tell  thar  bairds  is 
grown,  let  em  stay,  at  least,  ontil  the  fibers  sprout  and  they 
begin  to  sho  sum  shies  of  a  stiff  upper  lip. 

It  kant  be  .denied,  I  spose,  that  this  new  lor  will  nock  the  mil- 
entary  attryboots  of  the  State  Guvners  inter  a  cockt  hat.  Thars 
nuthin  mealy-mouthed  in  its  provishins.  It  goes  to  the  root  of 
the  matter  and  makes  my  heroic  frend,  the  President,  an 
abesalute  Dick  Tater.  Ef  carrid  out  it  will  enabul  him  to  run 
the  biggest  milentary  masheen  in  the  hull  wurld,  with  millyuns 
of  men  hitched  to  the  ropes  all  bound  to  obey  wotever  orders  he 
chewses  to  shout  throo  the  fedral  trumpet.  But  Mr.  Lincoln  is 
not  of  a  tyrennical  dispersishin — on  the  contrary,  mild  and 
gentle  and  as  easily  led  as  a  lam,  or  a  kid,  or  a  tame  gaysell. 

On  this  pint  1  ken  speak  with  confidens,  for  I  was  with  him 
when  he  submitted  without  a  murmur  to  put  on  a  disgise  and 
conseal  his  maj'jestic  form  in  a  cloke  and  cap,  in  order  to  pre- 
sarve  his  preshus  life  for  the  greatest  good  of  the  greatest  num- 
ber. The  copperhed  noosepapers  as  pretends  to  think  he  will 
take  advantidge  of  the  Cornskripshin  Act  to  becum  a  formidabul 
desput,  nose  better.  His  natur  is  not  that  of  a  Naughtycrat  or  a 
LTseupper.  And  besides  thars  no  possability  of  prosecutin  the 
war,  it  seems,  without  setch  a  meshur  as  Sennytur  Wilson's. 
Bum  ses  its  mainly  owin  to  the  Sennytur's  infarnal  stewpidity, 
in  stoppin  volunteerin  when  the  hull  nashin  was  bilin  over 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  251 

with  milentry  ambishin,  that  coraskripshin  hes  to  be  resarted 
too ;  and  these  misabul  grumblers  allow  that  it  would  be  a  good 
idee  for  the  President  to  put  him  whar  David  put  the  sellybrated 
Hittite,  namely,  in  the  fore  frunt  of  the  fust  big  shindy. 

I  am  awar  setch  remarks  is  oney  intended  as  coarse  joaks  at 
the  Massachoosetts  man's  eggspens,  but  as  I  sed  to  the  Nayshins 
Hope  the  uther  day,  when  he  axed  little  Tom  Thumb  wot  he 
thort  of  Hymen,  it  is  no  time  for  waggery  when  the  dogs  of  war 
air  at  our  gates. 

The  intelligens  from  the  Army  of  the  Potomac  relates  eena- 
most  entirely  to  wun  subject — mud.  The  main  boddy  on  the 
Rapperhammock  is  as  helpless  as  a  crowd  of  flies  in  a  lasses 
cask,  and  all  the  Union  troops  in  Virginny  and  Merryland  is  in 
the  same  waxy  predickyment.  A  frend  of  mine  who  was 
present  at  a  dress  parade  at  Fallrnouth  tuther  day,  informt  me 
that  the  divishins  as  they  stud  in  the  ranks  hed  evry  appearance 
of  heving  ben  cut  off  at  the  knees,  all  below  that  jint  bein  onder 
the  serfiz.  Menny  of  the  hevvy  infantry  hed  to  be  eggstricated 
with  ropes  arter  the  drill  was  over.  Obsarvin  a  number  of  long 
sticks  resemblin  shad-poles  protroodin  throo  the  slush  in  varus 
places,  my  frend  inkwired  thar  porpus  and  was  informt  that  they 
were  put  thar  to  mark  the  places  whar  the  sege  guns  hed  gon 
down.  They  will  be  dug  up  as  sun  as  the  sakrid  sile  is  hard 
enuff  to  be  spaded — mebbe  about  May  or  airly  in  June. 

Inie  sorry  to  say  that  the  troops  in  Virginny  is  gettin  clamrus 
for  thar  pay.  I  hed  a  letter  yestday  from  a  member  of  the  Sixt 
Artillery  cumplainin  that  his  corpse,  which  was  organized  last 
August,  hedn't  yet  reseved  the  first  greenback.  His  remarks 
about  the  condishin  of  his  wife  and  fammaly,  who  it  seems  is 
starvin  for  thar  kentry  while  he  is  fightin  for  it,  mought  hev 
drord  tears  from  the  eyes  of  a  sutler.  Sum  porshins  of  his 
epistol  is  of  a  carrickter  that  would  make  the  portly  and  pas- 
shinit  Constitooshinal  Adviser  at  the  head  of  the  War  Depart- 
ment dance  a  bolero  and  tar  his  har.  Its  very  rong  for  a  privit 
to  blastfeem  his  superiurs,  and  I  shell  rite  the  mutinus  feller  to 
that  effeck;  but  when  a  poor  sojer  is  without  a  dime  in  his 
pocket,  and  his  wife  and  little  wuns  wants  bred,  he  hes  to  swar 
at  sumthin,  you  know,  and  ef  he  is  onreasonabul  enuff  to  cuss  a 
high  funkshinary  or  two,  we  must  try  as  Christians  to  luck 
over  it. 

It  is  not  so  much  on  ackount  of  the  men,  howsever,  as  for  the 
sake  of  the  guverrnent  that  I  would  urge  the  administrashin  to 
do  the  right  thing  by  the  army  ;  for  line  afeard  ef  it  doosent  pay 

i  ':•  .    'r"!'.'  :T£  YJ:::-  '  •:.** 


252  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

the  old  sojers  afore  it  begins  cornskriptin  the  new  wuns,  the 
provost  niarshils  will  hev  an  ungodly  hard  row  to  hoe  in  thar 
milentary  deestricks.  Ileddent  the  administrashin  better  squar 
off  with  the  troops  noAV  in  the  feeld,  afore  it  commences  a  hull- 
sale  draft  upon  thar  fellow  citysins  to  hum,  who  know  how  they 
have  been  humbugged,  and  air  jest  that  contrary  that  they  would 
as  livs  be  shot  as  sarved  with  the  same  sarse  ? 

The  bleef  prevales  to  sum  eggstent  here,  that  we  air  gpin  to 
hev  a  muss  with  Loose  Napoleon.  He  lies  made  up  his  rnind  to 
hev  cotton  ef  possable,  at  all  hazzards.  I  seen  sumthin  of  the 
darned  old  possum  when  I  was  in  France,  doorin  the  Coo  de  tar, 
and  I  know  when  he  torks  the  smoothest  and  the  oilyest,  that's 
the  very  time  he's  preparin  to  pitch  in.  line  glad,  tharfore,  as 
the  harbor  of  New  York  is  to  be  better  fortyfied  right  away ; 
for  its  noways  onlikely  that  we'll  be  inter  a  furrin  war  atwixt 
this  and  the  next  presidenshil  eleckshin.  Seward  is  of  the  same 
opinyun,  and  so  would  the  amabul  Abe  be  too,  if  he  hed  an 
opinyun  of  his  own. 

In  view  of  the  desalooshiu  of  Congress  the  desaloot  carrick- 
ters,  from  a  distans,  as  was  attracted  to  Washington  by  the  pros- 
peck  of  publick  and  privit  plunder  is  packin  up,  ready  for  a 
start.  •  Gamblers,  free-luv-ladies,  pollytickle  theeves,  pimps,  par- 
rysites,  and  other  individyals  of  eesy  virtoo,  is  preparin  for  an 
immedient  stampede,  and  I  dessay  that  by  the  day  arter  March 
forth  the  fedral  Capital  won't  be  mutch  wus'n  Sodom,  arter  the 
Lot  fammaly  hed  left  for  anuther  Latitood. 

With  kind  regairds  to  all  the  destitoot  wives,  children,  moth- 
ers, sisters,  and  cetery  of  the  onpaid  sojers  of  the  Union — in 
which  the  War  Department  and  the  Paymaster-Ginral,  kindly 
jines — I  remain  as  ushil, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  LXXXIX. 

[Our  correspondent  is  hereby  notified  that  the  hint  of  his  inten- 
tion to  leave  Washington,  with  which  the  following  letter  con- 
cludes, has  caused  us  the  most  profound  concern.  We  trust  he 
will  reconsider  the  matter,  and  consent  to  remain.  The  people 
cannot  conveniently  spare  from  the  Federal  Capital  so  vigilant 


i-?3 

A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  253 

'fj- •••-.•••,,•• .!."3d»S«<B*«»H«»r«i  *«*"-.  i»JJ«  i::,.i^ri  /_.{'; 
a  sentinel  over  their  rights  and  interests.  The  President,  it 
seems  also,  is  desirous  of  retaining  him  within  consulting-dis- 
tance. Under  such  circumstances,  it  seems  to  us  that  it  is  his 
duty — and  we  know  he  regards  duty  as  paramount  to  all  other 
considerations — to  continue  at  his  post.  The  moral  atmosphere 
of  "Washington  is  not,  as  he  truly  observes,  conducive  to  the 
soul's  health;  but  he,  like  Brutus,  is  "armed  so  strong  in 
honesty",  that  there  can  be  no  danger  of  his  being  attacked  with 
the  prevailing  "  moral  insanity".  Besides,  after  Congress  breaks 
up,  the  air  Avill  be  purer. — EDS.] 

NATSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  Feb.  26, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

Afore  the  date  of  my  next  epistol  the  Resembled  Wisdum 
will  Lev  hed  its  last  settin  and  made  itself  non  nest.  The  two 
houses  is  dooin  up  thar  little  chores  with  neatness  and  despatch, 
and  as  Wcnsday,  the  forth  prox,  aproximates,  bills  is  husseld  to 
thar  final  reedins  with  a  perieck  rush.  The  Cornskripshin  Bill 
is  a  lor,  the  Bank  Bill  is  a  lor,  and  I  predicate  as  the  Lone  Bill 
will  hev  jined  cumpany  with  the  Anther  past  meshurs  by  the 
time  this  appears  in  prent.  Thars  a  hitch  atwixt  Chase  and  the 
Conference  Committee  about  tacksin  Bank  sirkilashin,  but  I  gess 
the  Banks  will  be  nailed  in  the  eend,  and  hev  to  plank  down. 

When  Congress  rises,  the  firm  of  HONEST  ABE  &  Co.  will 
be  wun  of  the  strongest  guverments  that  has  blest  the  airth 
senst  the  days  of  Alegsander,  and  the  Head  of  the  Nashin  will 
predominate  to  an  onlimited  eggstent  over  the  middle  and 
the  tail.  But  as  I  obsarved  in  a  prevus  letter,  the  kentry  needent 
git  itself  inter  a  cast  iron  swet  on  ackount  of  its  rites  and  libties 
bein  consolidated  in  a  single  pare  of  hands.  My  frend,  the 
Illustrus  Rooler  of  the  Republick,  is  a  man  of  eggsqueezit  morril 
senseabilities  and  the  tenderest  of  harts — in  fack  fuller  of  nateral 
sweetness  than  a  snugger  Cain.  The  swoord  and  the  pus  will 
be  as  harmless  in  his  keepin  as  ef  the  Angel  Gaybril  hed  the 
latter  in  his  breeches  pocket  and  the  former  tuckt  onder  his  wing. 
I  meen  harmless  to  troo  paytriots  like  you  and  me  and  Horris 
Greeley  and  cetery ;  but  a  swoord  of  rath  and  a  root  of  all  evil, 
prehaps,  to  the  cussed  Confcdrits.  When  Charlestun,  Savannah, 
and  Mobile  is  sacked,  and  Lee's  army  bagged,  and  Vicksburg 
hammered  down,  and  Richmound  in  a  bad  box,  we  shell  all  feel 
the  properiety  of  heving  made  Abe  an  abesalute  monnick  tor  the 
time  bein.  These  great  events  is  all  on  the  keards,  and  when 


254  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

Ihey  air  wot  the  French  calls  fates  accomplice  the  Rebellyun  will 
be  played  out.  Sum  thinks  as  it  will  rekwire  long  'ears  for  the 
Guverninent  to  get  the  assendancy ;  while  uther  sum  allows  that 
the  rebels  will  be  summerilly  nocked  cold  doorin  the  spring. 
Ennyhow  I  think  that  when  all  the  abel-bodied  men  in  the 
North  lies  ben  drafted  onder  the  Cornskripshin  Act,  and  thur- 
rowly  drilled  and  dizzyplind,  and  divided  up  into  corpses  and 
put  in  the  feeld,  that  the  eend  will  not  be  far  distant. 

Thars  a  loud  wisper  runnin  round  Washington  to  the  effcck 
that  sun  arter  the  breaking  up  of  Congress,  a  spoke  will  be  put 
in  the  wheels  of  sartain  Constitooshinal  Advisers.  I  axed 
Seward  the  other  day  ef  it  was  so ;  and  he  got  kwite  adjitated  on 
the  subjeck.  He  sed  he  heerd  thar  was  a  conspurracy  agin  Mm, 
and  he  knew  who  was  at  the  bottom  of  it.  "  Let  em  cum  on," 
ses  he,  "Inie  reddy  for  em,  and  they'll  find  I  don't  fear  the  face 
of  Clay."  He  was  evidently  riled,  and  put  me  in  mind  of  a 
play  I  wunst  seen,  whar  an  anibishus  chap  as  wanted  evrything 
his  own  way  denounced  a  sassy  revolushinary  feller  of  the  name 
of  Cashus  as  extree  dangerus. 

This  rnornin  I  called  on  the  President,  and  put  the  inderoga- 
tory  to  him  plump  and  squar,  wether  he  was  goin  to  giv  enny  of 
the  Constitooshinals  thar  w.alkin  tickets.  His  anser  was  rayther 
non-coinmital,  ariain,  I  reckin,  from  the  ambiggerus  state  of  his 
own  felines.  Ses  he : 

"It's  eesier  to  dismiss  wun  or  two  or  three  Constooshinal 
Advisers,  than  it  is  to  seleck  that  number  from  fifty  candydates 
without  all  the  rest  getin  up  a  tree ;  and  its  eesier  to  let  bad  enuff 
alone  than  it  is  to  enjoy  curnfort  arter  runnin  yer  hed  inter  a 
hornet's  nest." 

I  ackwiest. 

"  You  remember,"  he  continued,  "  the  fate  of  the  onfortnit  man 
in  the  skripters,  as  no  sunner  got  rid  of  wun  devil  than  he  was 
besot  by  seven  more  of  the  hardest  kind." 

"  Yaas,"  ses  I,  "  the  last  state  of  that  individyal  was  wuss'n 
the  first.  But,"  ses  I,  "  he  was  a  misabul  retch  as  hed  no  mind 
of  his  own  and  jest  gin  up  to  the  fust  blamed  cusses  as  cum 
along.  Noboddy  will  ketch  the  Seckind  Washington  doin  that 
I  persoorn." 

"  I  persoom  not,"  he  anserd,  liftin  up  his  right  leg  and  stompin 
airnestly,  as  mutch  as  to  say  he  hed  put  his  foot  down  on  that  pint. 

I  left  the  presence  with  the  idee  that  he  hed  parshilly  detar- 
mined  to  change  his  Cabnet,  but  that  possably  hasted  of  doin  so 
he  mought  change  his  mind. 


A  DISBANDED  VOLUKTEEB.          255 

Thars  a  tremenjus  outside  preshur  agin  Halleck,  to  witch  Ime 
inklined  to  bleve  that  sellybrated  pontoonist  will  hev  to  suckum. 
He  was  considerd  an  omyment  to  the  legal  periesshin,  I  hev 
onderstud,  and  it  is  ginrally  thort  that  he's  better  calkelated  to 
jine  issoo  in  an  ackshin  at  lor  than  on  the  feeld  of  mortal  con- 
flick. 

I  hev  it  from  good  orthority  that  Ginral  Butler  is  to  go  back 
to  the  Cresent  City,  whar  the  Secesh  is  fairly  spilin  for  want  of 
a  little  of  his  hullsum  dizzyplin.  They  air  gittin  crazy  at  his 
absens,  and  it  seems  they  hev  ben  tryin  to  shoot  Ginral  Banks 
for  useupping  his  place.  Thar  ken  be  no  dout  that  they  would 
receeve  him  with  open  arms.  The  opinyun  here  is  that  Stanton 
was  jelus  of  his  popalarity  at  New  Orleans,  and  that  he  was 
remooved  on  that  ackount. 

I  hev  a  noshin  of  returnin  to  New  York  arter  the  Collective 
Intelligence  disburses,  onless  you  particklerly  wish  me  to  reinane. 
My  frend  Abraham  ses  he  kant  spare  me  nohow ;  but  I  misstrust 
he  flatters.  It  would  sartainly  cost  me  considabul  of  a  pang  to 
tare  myself  away  from  him,  but  then  its  hard  to  live  in  Gomor- 
row  for  the  sake  of  enjyin  the  sosity  of  wun  rightyus  purson. 
The  inorril  atmostfear  of  this  city  is  so  ongodly  bad  that  the 
prenceples  of  a  saint  mought  git  tainted  by  inhelling  it  too 
long.  Hopin  to  eskape  the  prevalin  criminal  epidemic  witch 
is  daily  carryin  off  thousands  (and  in  fack  tens  of  thousands),  I 
remane, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLTJSTEEB. 


No.   XC. 

[With  that  fidelity  to  the  obligations  of  friendship  which  is  a 
distinguishing  trait  in  the  character  of  the  Disbanded,  he  this 
week  pays  some  striking  compliments  to  the  President,  and  jus- 
tifies, by  a  very  remarkable  line  of  argument,  the  course  of  Con- 
gress, in  conferring  upon  him  extraordinary  powers.  In  view 
of  the  extra-constitutional  authority  with  which  Mr.  Lincoln  has 
been  clothed,  it  is  satisfactory  to  know  that  our  venerable  friend 
has  been  invited  to  assist  him  with  his  counsel  and  advice. — 
EDS.] 


256  WAIi    LETTERS     OF 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  March  5, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

The  hull  bilin  of  the  Congresshinal  Sissyroes  and  Demosthe- 
neezes  heving  returnt  to  the  buzzums  of  thar  wives  and  fame- 
lees,  rny  steamed  trend,  the  Abesalute  Abe,  now  rules  the  roost 
alone.  He  ken  say  with  the  late  Robinson  Crewso  of  Jewin 
Fernando : 

"  I'm  monnick  of  all  I  suvey, 

My  right  thar  is  none  to  despute  ; 
From  the  center  all  round  to  the  sea, 
I  ken  seze  and  imprison  and  shute."        . 

But  thars  no  caws  for  alarm,  notwithstandin  the  loud  crows. of 
the  Abelishinists.  The  Nayshin  is  not  goin  to  giv  up  the  goste, 
bekase  its  Constitooshin  is  brokin.  Abraham  the  First  is  no 
Nero.  He  wouldn't  hurt  a  fly.  It  is  troo  that  the  comskripshin 
Act,  the  Bank  and  Lone  Acts,  the  suspenshin  of  the  Heaviest 
Corpus  Act,  the  Indamnity  Act,  and  cetery,  make  a  reglar  Siezer 
of  him,  but  his  Majest — I  mean  his  Eggsellency — is  not  the  man 
to  take  advantidge  of  the  late  ginral  and  genrus  sirrender  of  the 
rights  of  the  States  and  the  peeple.  His  auntycedents  is  not  of 
an  aristocratick  carrickter.  Let  us  glanst  at  em  for  a  moment. 

Born  of  tall  but  modest  parients  in  Kaintucky,  he  took,  at  an 
airly  peryud  of  his  carear  to  the  woods,  whar  he  slung  a  nasty 
ax  and  mauled  rails  with  wunderful  assidooity.  Emergin  thence 
he  studded  navigashin  on  board  a  flat-boat  of  the  largest  class, 
makin  hisself  thurrowly  ackwainted  with  the  theory  of  the  cur- 
rents and  persishin  of  the  poles.  Naterally  inklined  to  push 
ahed — witch  is  allus  the  roolin  instink  of  great  minds — he  aban- 
doned the.  watery  element  and  took  to  the  bar,  and  as  he  grew  in 
wisdum  and  in  stattur  gradually  rose  to  eminence.  Finerly  that 
perfound  statesman  The  Honabul  Horris  Greeley  of  Chappa- 
quaw,  diskivered  that  my  Ulustrus  Frend  was  wanted  at  the 
head  of  the  Guvernment,  and  bein  put  before  the  peeple,  they 
rode  him  on  a  rail  inter  the  Presidenshil  Cheer.  Kwalified  alike 
by  natur  and  eddicashin  to  controle  the  destinees  of  the  most 
Enlightened  Nayshin  on  the  face  of  the  Airth,  Congress  dun  per- 
feckly  right  in  conferrin  on  him  onlimited  power,  in  this  tremen- 
us  crysis.  Pressing  cases  reckwires  desput  remedees — and  hens 
the  nesessity  for  makin  Abraham  cock  of  the  walk,  and  placin 
the  Swoord,  the  Pus  and  the  Press  at  his  disposhal. 

I  am  awar  that  sartain  fackshus  persons  pertends  not  to  see 
the  properiety  of  strong  meshurs  agin  States  as  isent  in  rebel- 
lyun ;  but  who  noes  how  sun  they  may  be  in  rebellyun  ?  A 


A     DISBANDED    VOLUNTEER.  257 

stitch  in  time  saves  nine,  and  the  saiftest  wajr  to  pervent  peeple 
from  bcin  seedishus  is  to  sow  thar  mouths  up  the  moment  they 
begin  to  grumble.  Libty  of  Speech  and  Libty  of  the  Press  is 
all  very  well  when  the  Republick  is  not  in  danger,  but  when  it 
is,  ef  Oriturs  and  Eddyturs  will  pitch  inter  the  Adrninistrashin, 
in  coarse  they  must  eggspect  to  be  shet  up.  Is  it  a  time  I  ax,  to 
pertest  agin  the  Constitooshin  bein  suspended  when  the  Union 
itself  is  hangin  by  ilids  ?  Away  with  setch.  Old  Fogey  thorts, 
onwurthy  of  the  Age  of  Progress  !  AVhile  the  fight  lasts  let  us 
submit  magnannymously  to  the  Hyer  Law. 

Besides  as  I  hev  repetedly  sed  on  former  ockashins,  the 
Modern  Father  of  his  Kentry  is  of  a  mild  and  mutherly  nater, 
and  overflowin  with  the  milk  of  human  kindness  from  his  toe- 
nails  to  his  top-knot.  Altho  he  hes  a  jiant's  power  he  is  the  last 
man  on  the  footstool  to  use  it  like  a  jiant.  Ennyboddy  who 
looks  back  at  his  perceedings  doorin  the  last  two  ears  will  admit 
that.  But  like  the  sellybrated  Blunderbore  who  went  to  sleep 
and  hed  his  Seven  Legged  boots  stole  by  an  owdashus  dwarf, 
thars  sum  reson  to  fear  that  he'll  be  robbed  of  his  perogatives  by 
a  Cabnet  thats  rayther  too  mutch  inklined  to  ride  ruff-shod  over 
the  peeple.  I  don't  see  for  my  pairt  wot  he  wants  with  Consti- 
tooshinal  Advisers  onder  the  suckemstances.  Ef  the  Constitoo- 
shin is  suspended  why  shouldent  the  Constitooshinal  Advisers  be 
suspended  too  ? 

Wun  thing  I  ken  say  to  my  fellow  kentryrnen  in  this  momen- 
tuous  epock  of  the  Nayshin's  History.  Our  cheef  shall  not  suf- 
fer for  want  of  paytryotic  counsel.  Fortnitly  I  hev  not  lost  his 
confidens  and  affeckshin.  He  bleves  in  me  as  mutch  as  I  bleve 
in  him.  "  D.  V.,"  ses  he  to  me  yestday  as  he  was  signin  bills  at 
the  Capital,  "  will  you  continny  to  stand  by  me  onder  these  new 
responsabilities ?"  "Will  a  duck  swim?"  I  replied — "Will  a 
demagog  lie  ?  Will  a  sutler  cheat  ?"  • 

"  Will  a  sunflower  turn  to  her  god  when  he  sets, 
The  same  look  that  she  turnt  when  he  rose  ?" 

He  was  satisfid,  and  went  on  signin  with  a  lively  air. 

The  Sennit,  in  extree  sesshin,  is  grindin  out  extree  Bragadear 
and  Major  Ginrals,  with  extrornary  dispatch.  I  spose,  howsever, 
as  it  will  take  em  a  week  or  ten  days,  to  put  the  hull  batch  throo 
the  mill.  Sum  of  the  candydates  doosent  no  gunpowder  from 
union  seed,  nor  a  howitstir  from  a  hominy  mortar ;  but  I  reckin 
they'll  all  pull  throo.  A  milentary  offsir  from  New  York  told 
me  tuther  day,  that  a  fresh-made  Bragadear  had  applied  to  him 


258  WAR     LETTEK3     OV 

for  a  reliabul  sargent  to  teecli  him  the  wurds  of  cunimand  and 
how  to  dror  up  his  corpse  in  order  of  battle.  Ef  enny  boddy 
douts  this  fack  I  ken  furnish  the  name  of  the  eppyletted  ignora- 
mus. He  hales  from  a  sartain  coininershil  emporyum  that  you 
are  tolably-well  ackwainted  with. 

We  hev  rummers  here  of  a  big  fight  near  Savannah,  and  sev- 
ral  uther  shindies,  but  they  peer  to  be  got  up  merely  to  stuff  news- 
hungry  citysins,  and  kant  be  traced  to  enny  vorashus  sorce. 

Hopin  to  hear  of  onexpected  victries,  and  trustin  that  Provi- 
dence Avill  pay  no  attenshin  to  the  Secesh  Fast  ordered  by  that 
retched  Farisee,  Jeff  Davis,  I  remain, 
Tours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLTJSTTEEB. 


No.  XC1. 

[Sometimes  we  find  it  incumbent  upon  us  to  differ  in  some  de- 
gree from  the  opinions"  expressed  by  our  independent  and  out- 
spoken correspondent ;  but  with  his  views  in  relation  to  the  ap- 
pointment of  provost-marshals  from  the  ranks  of  our  disabled 
heroes,  and  not  from  the  office-seekers'  squad — from  the  Bang- 
whangers,  and  not  from  the  /Sfon^-whangers,  as  he  beautifully 
expresses  it — we  entirely  and  heartily  agree. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINTON,  March  12, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkmy  : 

Thars  ben  a  lively  shower  of  sholder-stops  senst  my  last,  and 
the  clouds  hes  vanisht  from  the  brows  of  menny  inilentary  ass- 
pirants  nominated  by  the  President,  as  was  afeard  thar  rain 
would  be  cut  short  by  the  Sennit ;  but,  with  the  eggsepshiu  of  a 
small  sprinklin,  they  have  all  been  snaked  throo,  as  I  perdicted 
they  would.  The  enthuzzyasm  for  the  Stars  and  Stripes  is  buti- 
ful  to  behold — I  mean  the  stars  as  denotes  Bragadears  and  Major 
Ginrals,  and  the  stripes  as  signifies  subordinit  offsirs.  Ef  thar 
was  the  same  paytryotic  competishin  for  places  in  the  ranks,  a 
millyun  of  men  monght  be  razed  in  six  weeks  without  a  corn- 
skripshin.  As  it  is  ginrally  sposed  that  a  fine  livin  ken  be  pickt 
up  in  the  Subsistens  Department,  the  anksity  of  the  citysins 
nominated  for  that  branch  of  the  comesharit  lies  ben  of  the  most 
vilent  carrickter ;  but  thar  minds  is  now  trankwill,  the  hull 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  259 

batch  hevin  ben  confirmt.  The  paytryotic  harts  of  the  candy- 
dates  for  places  in  the  Kwartermaster's  Department  hes  also  ben 
sot  at  rest  in  the  same  way,  and  the  bar  rums  of  the  prenceple 
hottels  is  raidyant  with  the  smilds  of  the  new  appintease. 

Ef  the  guverment  wants  to  make  the  cornskripshin  lor  as  pop- 
lar as  setch  a  stringgent  meshur  ken  be  made,  let  em  apint  pay- 
tryotic sojers  as  hes  ben  disabeld  in  battle,  as  provest-marshils. 
Ef  they  set  a  passel  of  misabul  pollytickle  lowcusses,  as  would 
fly  from  powder  and  steal  like  a  theef  from  a  perleecemen,  to 
wurk  cornskriptin  the  bone  and  sinner,  thar'll  be  trubble  in  the 
wigwam  as  shoor  as  the  President's  a  cannondrummist.  I  told 
him  so  this  very  mornin.  Ses  I, "  may  it  please  your  Eggsellency, 
ef  you  want  to  put  the  cornskipshin  throo,  you  must  take  your 
provost  marshils  from  the  Bang-whangers  of  the  Army  and 
not  from  the  Slang-whangers  of  .party  cabawls.  With  a  jester 
intended  to  convey  the  idee  that  thar  was  nuthin  green  in  his 
eye,  he  remarkt  in  reply  that  "  retches  whoos  oney  objeck  in 
hevin  a  hand  in  the  draft  was  to  raze  the  wind,  would  be  keer- 
fully  left  out  in  the  cold."  He  thort,  howsever,  that  it  wouldent 
be  a  good  plan  to  employ  crippeld  heroes  in  the  cornskripshin 
bizness,  "  Bekase",  ses  he,  "  the  site  of  a  feller-critter  that  hes 
lost  an  arm  or  a  leg  on  the  battle  feeld  is  not  calkilated  to  put 
down  the  too  prevailing  predjewdice  agin  balls  and  bagnets." 

His  Eggsellency  onderstands  sum  fazes  of  the  human  mind 
remarkabul  well ;  but  ef  he  thinks  setch  trifuls  as  that  can  re- 
press the  nayshinal  arder,  he  onderates  the  grit  of  the  American 
peeple. 

In  my  opinyun  the  cornskipts  will  be  more  afeard  of  not 
gotten  thar  pay  reglar  and  bein  coinpeld  to  eat  hard  tack,  than 
of  the  horsteal  foe.  I  hev  advised  the  President  to  see  that  the 
entire  army  now  in  the  field  is  paid  in  full,  afore  he  issoos  his 
proclamashin  for  bringin  anuther  batch  up  to  the  bull-ring. 
"  Send  the  paymasters  round  to  evry  brigade",  ses  I,  "  and  pay 
evry  sojer  up  to  the  last  dime,  and  the  letters  they'll  rite  hum  to 
thar  frends  will  reckonsile  em  to  the  approachin  raffel  for  re- 
crutes.  The  det  of  gratitood  witch  the  kentry  owes  the  army, 
ken  never  be  paid,"  ses  I,  "but  the  munny  ken.  Ef  the  green- 
backs hes  run  out,"  I  added,  "  let  the  guverment  presses  be  sot 
to  wurk  and  a  stack  of  em  suffishent  for  the  porpus  be  ground 
out  without  delay."  My  argyment  on  this  pint  hed  the  desired 
effeck.  His  Eggsellency  drew  forth  his  wallet  and  took  a  soleni 
oath  onto  it  that  evry  bluecoat  should  hev  his  greenbacks  right 
away.  So  if  the  hull  army  is  paid  off  within  a  munt,  which  1 


200  WAB    LETTERS     OP 

think  it  will  be,  that  act  of  justis  will  be  doo  to  ray  intersesshin 
with  my  eggsalted  frend. 

Arter  torkin'  this  meshur  inter  him,  I  shode  him  a  peace  of 
hard  tack,  presented  to  me  by  a  pickit  who  hed  broke  three  of 
his  teeth  in  attempten  to  crack  it,  and  axed  ef  that  was  the  kin- 
der provender  to  make  the  cornskipshin  poplar  amung  abel- 
bodded  men.  His  Eggsellency  took  a  snap  at  it,  but  with  all 
the  leverage  he  could  put  onto  his  rnastercaterers,  he  dident  per- 
dooce  a  dent  in  its  surfiz.  Wot  the  geologists  calls  "  puddin 
stone"  would  be  saft  chawin  and  a  cumfurt  to  the  teeth  in 
caparison  with  that  specunent  of  hard  tack,  and  arter  seein  it  I 
ken  eesily  bleeve  the  airtickle  is  used  by  the  sojers  for  playin  at 
coits  in  prefrence  to  horseshoos. 

"  Now,"  ses  I,  takin  the  addermantin  fragment  from  the  Presi- 
dent's hands  and  shyin  it  at  the  marbel  mantle  in  his  sanktum 
without  splenterin  it — I  mean  without  splenterin  the  biskit — 
"  jest  replace  this  granit  grub  with  sumthin  that  doosent  dis- 
tress the  jaws  and  lasserate  the  gums,  and  skrape  the  throte  and 
tare  the  linin  of  the  sturnmick,  and  you  will  find  it  like  bred  cast 
upon  the  waters  that  is  found  arter  menny  days." 

"  Well,"  ses  he,  "  as  hard  tack  doosent  seem  to  be  the  rite  tack, 
lie  go  on  anuther  tack.  Stanton  shall  see  to  it  that  the  sojers  is 
furnisht  with  crisp  hulsum  crackers,  ef  thars  honest  bakers  to  be 
found  in  the  kentry  that'll  supply  em  at  a  fare  price."  I 
hope  it  will  be  dun.  I  no  the  President  doosent  wish  the  abel- 
bodded  men  of  the  republick,  atwixt  the  ages  of  twenty  and 
forty-five,  to  be  redooced  to  a  few  snags  apeace  when  the  war  is 
conclooded ;  but  I  hev  no  confidens  in  the  war  department. 

"  Punktual  Pay"  and  "  No  Hard  Tack"  is  now  the  watchwurds 
in  evry  camp,  and  ef  the  evils  complained  of  is  remedid,  I  feel 
sartain  that  the  Army  Avill  rite  so  incurredgingly  to  thar  rela- 
shuns  and  frends  to  hum,  as  to  prevent  all  trubble  in  carryin  out 
the  cumming  Proclamashin.  How  plesent  it  would  be  to  see 
the  Provost  Marshils  reseved  evrywhars  with  opin  arms,  and 
crownt  with  lorils,  and  serenaded,  and  presented  with  sarvices 
of  plate  in  evry  city  and  town  of  the  North.  Setch  a  result  ken 
oney  be  accomplish!  by  reglar  payments  and  saft  biskit.  Let  us 
hope  the  jint  eggsperiment  will  be  tried. 

Eleven  you  will  goinside  with  me  in  the  abuv  hastily  written 
yews  on  grub  and  greenbacks,  I  remain,  as  formerly, 
Yours  allus  (in  favor  of  reform), 

A  DISBAKDED  VOLUNTEER. 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  261 

NO.  xcn. 

[In  the  exuberance  of  his  loyalty,  our  patriotic  friend  breaks 
out  in  poetry,  and  we  commend  his  rhymes  to  the  thoughtful 
attention  of  every  true  American.  As  a  lyric. poet,  his  style  is 
original,  and  his  verse  is  as  emphatic  as  his  prose. 

His  access  to  the  most  reliable  sources  of  information  has 
enabled  him  to  give  a  few  facts,  not  heretofore  made  public,  in 
relation  to  the  seizure  of  that  Flower  of  Northern  Chivalry, 
the  brave  and  beautiful  Brigadier-General  Stoughton,  which 
cannot  fail  to  bring  tears  of  sympathy  into  the  eyes  of  our  read- 
ers.— EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  March  19, 18G3. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

The  kentry  will  larn  with  astonishment  that  the  distingwished 
Treason-tamer  as  recently  rooled  like  a  Grand  Turk  in  the 
Cressent  City,  and  eggspected  the  warm  birth  of  Cornskripter- 
Ginral,  hes  ben  left  out  in  the  cold  by  an  ongratefool  Adminis- 
trashin.  In  uther  words, 

To  Butler,  of  the  droopin  eye, 
Our  fat  frend  Stanton,  he  warnt  parshil, 

And  as  he's  dished,  and  Kernil  Fry 
Will  rool  the  roast  as  Provost-Marshil. 

Fry  is  a  good  man,  howsever,  and  will  endeavor  to  eggsersize 
his  stewpendus  progatives  in  such  a  -way  as  not  to  embrile  the 
milentary  with  the  civil  orthorities.  I  dont  bleve  Ginral  Butler 
is  mutch  disappinted.  They  do  say  he  kinder  hankers  arter  the 
Presidenshil  Cheer,  and  ef  so  he  must  be  awar  that  in  consekens 
of  the  depravity  of  human  nater,  coinpellin  the  masses  to  go  a 
sojerin  agen  thar  will  is  not  the  shoorest  way  to  enlist  thar 
affeckshins.  The  Deestrick  Marshils  is  to  be  appinted  imme- 
diently,  and  the  first  great  milentary  raffel — witch  will  probly 
be  for  hafe  a  millyun  or  six  hunderd  thousand  of  the  abel- 
bodded — will  cum  off,  it  is  thort,  about  the  last  of  April.  Atwixt 
this  and  then  I  calkilate  as  the  popalashin  of  Canady  will 
increese  in  a  most  onrighteus  raysho.  In  coarse  sentinels  will  be 
stashind  on  the  frontear,  to  stop  the  tide  of  eniigrashin,  but  the 
Saint  Lorrence  is  a  long  river,  and  American  enterprize  is  pro- 
verbyal.  Menny  would  rayther  paddle  acrost  that  broad  and 
rapid  streem  on  a  stick  of  timber,  than  attemp  the  passidge  of 


262  "WAR     LETTERS     OF 

/ 

the  smooth  and  narrer  Rapperhammock  with  all  the  fasilities  of 
transportashin  afforded  by  a  wise  and  saygashus  guverinent.  I 
hope  you  will  do  your  best  to  discurridge  this  idee  of  crossin 
the  frontear,  and  that  even  the  skariest  will  sun  git  over  it.  Let 
the  American  peeple  imitate  the  valor  of  their  annsisters  in  this 
momentuous  crysis.  The  tremenjus  shindy  drors  to  a  close. 
Gold  is  at  six  hundred  per  cent  premum  in  Richinound,  while 
we  hev  enny  kwantity  of  the  preshus  mettle  witch  lends  strenth 
to  the  sinners  of  war.  The  rebels  is  alreddy  like  reeds  shaken 
by  the  wind,  and  with  the  new  draft  we  ken  blow  em  to  thunder. 
O !  that  I  was  a  poick.  Then  would  I  strike  the  lyre  Avith  a 
vigger  that  should  rouse  all  troo  men.  Even  as  it  is,  onfamilyar 
as  I  am  with  the  Mewses,  I  must  run  my  tumultyus  felines  inter 
a  standsir : 

Paytryits !  when  summent  from  your  houses, 
Go  gladly  to  the  rendezvouses, 
And  ef  you  dror  a  fightin  ticket 
Go  in  agen  Secesh  and  lick  it. 
Too  long  in  doubt  weve  sithed  and  sorrerd, 
But  now  we'll  put  our  best  foot  forrard. 
The  Gridiron  flag  on  Freedom's  sile 
Shell  stop  this  everlastin  brile. 
Our  kentry  is  a  blessed  stake, 
And  we'll  resk  pepper  for  its  sake. 
Eggscuse  my  rimes — ef  false  I  tune  em, 
And  here's  God  bless  Old  E.  P.  Unurn. 

The  capter  of  wun  of  our  bully  Bragadears  and  his  staff  at 
Fairfacts  tuther  day,  created  considabul  sensashin  here.  The 
gravest  vetrans  smiled,  and  not  a  few  was  mooved  to  tears  by 
thar  oncontrolabul  larfter.  The  Father  of  his  Kentry  got  off  a 
good  thing  on  the  occashin ;  for  setch  is  his  happy  temperament 
that  he  ken  turn  enny  calamity  inter  a  joak.  (Not  as  this  was 
a  calamity,  tho ;  far  from  it.)  His  eggsellency,  on  heering  ol 
the  raid,  rernarkt  that  carryin  off  our  Stoughton  was  a  pruff 
that  the  rebels  intended  to  carry  on  the  war  to  the  bitter  eend. 
I  notis  the  papers  state  that  the  rebels  gin  the  Bragadear  time  to 
dress.  This  is  a  cunard  invented  by  the  modest  tellagrafter, 
who  was  ashamed  to  tell  the  naked  truth.  The  night  was  wun- 
derful  cold  for  setch  a  nary  costoom,  but  he  was  acktilly  placed 
onto  a  hard  trottin  hog-backt  cornfederit  mule,  with  nuthin 
atwixt  his  delicut  cuetickle  and  the  vertebray  of  the  animil. 
Naterally  he  was  greatly  chafed  at  this  kinder  treatment,  but 
remonsterance  was  in  vain.  And  this  warnt  his  oney  mortifica- 
shin;  for  arter  they  bed  sot  him  astride,  Miss  Ford,  the  fair 


A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER.          263 

Delily  as  betrayed  him,  cum  up  in  full  dress,  liangin  on  the  arm 
of  a  Secesh  captin,  and  axed  him  how  he  fansid  the  South  Car- 
oliny  uniform,  and  wether  he  would  like  to  compleat  it  by  put- 
tin  on  a  par  of  spurs !  They  rode  him  twenty-five  inilds  strait 
ahed  without  enuy  intermishin  for  refreshments,  and  arter  that 
splendid  act  of  horsemanship  on  a  bare-backed  steed,  his  con- 
dishin  may  be  more  eesily  imadjined  than  deskribed.  I  gess 
that  midnight  ride  onder  setch  melancolly  awespices  will  be  a 
sore  spot  for  him  all  the  rest  of  his  life ;  for  he's  sartain  never  to 
hear  the  last  of  it.  In  coarse  it  is  nuts  to  the  she  rebel,  who  hes 
ben  made  a  kernil  in  consekens.  Seward,  who  isent  altogether 
as  dull  a  purson  as  you  would  spose  from  some  of  his  dis- 
patches, allows  that  Stoughtons  capter  was  the  greatest  Miss- 
take  of  the  war. 

We  hev  a  new  batch  of  rummers  evry  day  from  all  pints  of 
the  cumpass,  and  as  they  air  all  prented,  you  pays  your  munney 
and  you  takes  your  chice.  Upon  the  hull,  howsever,  the  Amer- 
ican Egul  peers  to  be  lookin  up.  It  is  ginally  bleved  that 
Vicksburg  is  on  the  pint  of  bein  evacyated,  end  I  liev  no  doubt 
we  shall  soon  hev  noose  that  Ferrygut  hes  opend  a  passidge 
below.  The  nex  thing  on  the  keards  is  the  fall  of  Charlestun, 
and  then  wont  we  all  sing  Tedium? 

Awaitin  impayshently  the  airliest  intelligens  of  the  abuv- 
menshint  events,  I  remain,  proudly, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEB. 


No.  xcm. 

[Accustomed  though  we  are  to  the  eccentricities  of  our  odd 
correspondent,  the  following  letter  strikes  us  as  odd  even  for 
him.  The  demon  of  sarcasm,  if  there  be  such  a  member  of  the 
Luciferian  family,  must  certainly  have  had  full  possession  of 
him  when  he  wrote  it.  Nobody  will  deny,  however,  that  it  is 
excessively  funny. — EDS.] 

•  NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  March  26, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

The  President  looks  ankshus.  When  I  called  on  him  this 
mornin  I  found  l»m  lost  in  thort  and  fancid  I  obsarved  a  new 


2G4  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

rinkel.    As  I  enterd  the  sanktum  lie  inklined  his  head  with  his 
ushil  swervety,  but  his  mind  was  evidently  utherwhars. 

"  How  air  you  Hilton  Hed,"  ses  he  ;  "  do  you  think  it  will  be 
the  wisest  coarse  for  you  and  Bufort  to  sail  on  the  First  of 
April  ?" 

"  Your  eggsellency's  intelleck  is  rayther  at  sea,"  I  remarkt, 
"but  I  perceeve  how  the  land  lays;  your  paytryotic  slissitood 
about  Charleston  hes  upset  your  organ  of  lowcality." 

"  Blame  these  Hemlocks,"  he  continned,  makin  moshins  with 
his  hands  as  ef  he  was  pullin  down  and  choppin  off  the  lims  oi 
trees,  "  we've  got  to  a  purty  pass  here  in  the  Yazoo,  and  ef  the 
Sunflower  Branch  is  as  snaggy  as  the  Taller  Bushy,  Porter'll 
rip  no  lorils  in  that  kwarter,  I'm  afeard.  He  thinks  he  ken 
redooce  the  Bluff,  but  it  isent  on  the  keards,  onless  Quhnby  goes 
like  thunder  and  lightning  throo  the  Cold  Water." 

"  Father  of  your  kentry,"  ses  I,  pinchin  his  arm  respeckfully, 
"  you  labor  onder  a  lucynashin  ;  mutch  wurryin  about  the  war 
hes  made  you  flighty." 

But  he  took  no  notis,  so  puttin  my  mouth  closte  to  his  ear  I 
shouted  "  Villaindigham !"  He  started  as  ef  he'd  ben  bit  by  a 
copperhed,  and  turnt  to  ring  the  bell  for  help,  but  seein  who  it 
was,  he  grasped  my  hand  insted  of  the  bell  pull,  and  as  ef  thar 
was  eelecktrissity  in  the  tutch,  immediently  becum  hisself  agen. 

"  I).  V.,"  ses  he  confidenshally,  "  I've  ben  studdyin  maps  and 
plans  of  the  varyus  seats  of  war  ontil  my  crannyum  feels  like  a 
teerestral  globe  rong  side  out,  and  it  peers  to  me  as  ef  all  the 
seeports  and  ismusses,  and  peninslurs,  and  crooked  rivers,  and 
cetery,  hed  got  loose  and  was  dancin  quaydrills  in  the  intellec- 
tooal  region.  I  am  sufferin  from  an  attack  of  milentary  jografy 
on  the  brain. 

"  It  doosent  dp,  my  illustrus  frend,"  I  replide,  "  to  pore  over 
setch  matters  too  clostely ;  I  cum  purty  nigh  becummin  a  loona- 
tick  myself,  with  tryin  to  onderstand  the  Herald's  diegrams  oi 
Admaril  Porter's  operashins.  I  hed  to  call  in  a  fizzishin,  and  he 
pernounst  the  disorder  to  be  a  rush  of  Mussysippi  to  the  cere- 
bedlam.  He  sed  ef  I  didn't  stop  takin  the  paper  I  would  purty 
sun  have  Yazoo  on  the  oxiput,  and  niought  never  live  to  see 
"Vicksburg  demolisht." 

"  Ah !"  rejined  the  Peeple's  Chice,  "  the  strongest  mind  may 
be  overtaskt.  I  no  by  paneful  eggsperience,  as  well  as  A.  Pope, 
that 

"  Great  wit  to  madness  nearly  is  a  lied." 

In  the  words  of  the  poick  Kodgers,"  he  continned, 


A     DISBANDED     VOLtTNTEEB.  265 

"  Lost  in  the  muzzy  chnmbers  of  the  brain, 
The  thorts  lie  hnsht  like  sleepers  on  a  train. 
Awake  but  one,  and  lo !  what  myriads  rise, 
To  buzz  around  like  bumble-bees  and  flies." 

"  From  wot  pome  is  that  butiful  standsir  kwoted,"  I  axed. 

"  From  the  '  Pleshurs  of  Memry,' "  anserd  his  Eggsellency. 
"  And  let  me  tell  you,  D.  V.,"  he  added,  with  a  self-contented 
emild,  "  thar's  no  Pleshurs  on  airth  like  the  Pleshurs  of  Meniry, 
when  a  man  can  look  back  on  his  past  life  without  bein  conshus 
of  ever  hevin  committed  a  blunder." 

Our  conversashin  then  turnt  upon  perlite  literatoor  ginally, 
and  arter  enjoyin  "  a  feast  of  resin  and  a  flow  of  sole"  for  about 
hafe  an  hour,  I  left  the  White  House  with  the  convickshin  that 
what  President  Lincoln  dident  no,  warnt  wuth  knowin  to  the 
past  or  to  futur  sentries. 

On  my  way  from  the  Presidenshil  Manshin  to  the  Nayshinal, 
I  met  the  paytryotic  William  H.  of  the  State  Department,  and 
tojd  him  wot  our  beloved  Cheef  Madgistrit  hed  sed  about  "  jog- 
rafy  on  the  brain  ",  upon  witch  the  Seckatry  remarkt  that  it  was 
not  strange  Mr.  Lincoln  was  bothered  with  maps  runnin  in  his 
head,  when  he'd  the  burden  of  Atlas  restin  on  his  sholders.  I 
dident  see  it  at  first ;  but  W.  H  was  kind  enuff  to  eggsplain  that 
a  feller  of  the  name  01  Atlas,  who  acted  as  a  kinder  ticket  porter 
to  Jewpeter,  was  sposed  by  the  Ainshents  to  tote  the  wurld 
around  on  his  back.  As  sun  as  I  got  the  joak  throo  rny  har  I 
larfed  perlitely,  and  the  Seckatry  went  off  more  perfeckly  satis- 
fied with  hisself  than  the  nashin  at  large  is  with  his  oflishal  dis- 
patches. 

The  Constitooshinal  Advisers,  with  the  eggsepshin  of  the  abuv, 
and  Mr.  Chase,  who  is  jestly  elated  with  his  resent  Wall  street 
victries,  looks  haggard  and  perplext.  The  figger-hed  of  the 
Seckatry  of  the  Navy  doosent  ware  that  trim  and  ship-shape 
aperience  that  his  frends  would  wish  to  see.  His  mane-top  is  not 
all-a-taunto  as  it  used  to  be,  and  his  chin-halliards  hangs  as  loose 
and  limpy  as  a  peace  of  sail  that  hes  ben  blowed  outer  the  bolt- 
ropes  and  got  cort  in  the  riggin  onder  the  lubber's  hole.  His 
deshrivelled  asp^ck  is  doo  pairtly,  I  persoorn,  to  the  late  axidents 
on  the  Suthern  coast,  and  pairtly  to  tte  failer  of  his  skeems  for 
ketchin  the  letters  of  mark  witch  at  present  infests  the  mail  rout 
to  Californy.  When  Charlestun  is  ourn,  and  the  Alabammer, 
Florida,  and  Retribushin  blown  to  thunder,  I  dessay  he'll  brush 
up  and  be  as  good  as  new.  He's  a  wurthy  man,  but  rayther  too 
drowsy  ef  ennything  for  navel  porpuses  in  stormy  times.  Its  a 
12 


266  WAR     LETTERS     OP 

pity  he  doosent  retire,  and  return  to  Hartford  to  enjoy  his  ocean 
cum  digitalis.  The  Seckatry  of  War  is  wun  of  the  most  curus 
specktickles  you  ever  seen.  His  countenance  seems  as  ef  it 
wanted  to  be  jolly,  but  warn't  kwite  sartin  wether  the  time  had 
arrived  for  the  larf  to  cum  in.  He  hes  the  aspeck  of  a  man  lookin 
throo  a  glass  darkly  at  futur  events,  with  a  mind  distracted 
atwixt  his  hopes  and  his  fears. 

I  hope,  howsever,  that  within  the  next  fortnight  we  shell  hev 
noose  that'll  make  both  the  Cabnet  and  the  Peeple  jump  for  joy, 
and  bring  back  the  old  familyar  twinkel  inter  the  ankshus  eyes 
of  my  nobul  frend  Abraham  Lincoln. 

Wishin  as  evry  Nuthern  man  had  as  lyal  a  hart  as  him  and 
me,  I  remain,  with  a  cuss  for  all  Copperheds, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER 


No.   XCIV. 

[The  following  letter  is  somewhat  discursive  and  miscella- 
neous, but  it  will  bear  twice  reading — once  for  its  sarcasm,  and 
again  for  the  fervent  patriotism  that  underlies  its  cynicism. 
There  is  more  matter  in  it  than  will  be  perceived  at  the  first 
hasty  perusal. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  April  2, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

The  doste  of  bad  noose  we  hev  hed  doorin  the  past  week  hes 
operated  onfavorable  here.  The  Seckatry  01  War  is  on  the 
ankhus  seat,  and  the  evacyashin  of  Vicksbug  would  be  a  great 
releef  to  him.  Ef  Porter  hed  ben  abel  to  git  throo  the  narrer 
gut  that  seperates  Lake  Sunflower  from  the  Yazoo,  it  would  hev 
ben  more  encurredgin ;  but  it  seems  the  obstruckshins  is  too 
formadouble  for  him  to  push  throo.  This,  in  coarse,  is  a  bitter 
pill,  and  it  is  purty  hard  to  stummick  it,  but  ef  by  the  blessin  of 
Hevin  our  troops  ken  go  in  transports  throo  the  Providence 
Canawl  inter  the  enemee's  rare,  they  must  sun  be  redooced  to 
thar  last  shifts.  Water  is  also  flowin  freely  throo  the  caiiawl  in 
frunt  it  seems,  and  ef  wunst  we  begin  to  let  it  fly  at  em  both 
from  the  frunt  and  rare,  I  should  -spose  they  would  speedily  be 
overwelmed.  By  consultin  the  latest  diegrams  it  will  be  seen 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  267 

that  they  air  in  a  tight  fix — cort,  as  it  ware,  atwixt  Silly  and 
Charibadibs — and  I  raaly  dont  see  enny  caws  for  the  rnelancolly 
aspeck  witch  the  Cabnet  lies  worn  for  sum  days  past.  But  Pub- 
lic Funkshinaries  is  eesily  deprest. 

No  dout  we  shell  hev  stirrin  intelligents  from  the  Suthern 
Coste  afore  long ;  tho  sum  of  the  spooneys  in  the  Navy  Depart- 
ment peers  to  be  afeard  that  Dupont's  iroi  plates  will  be  srnasht 
by  the  Charlestun  batterees.  By  the  way,  it  isent  by  no  means 
sartain  as  Charlestun  is  to  be  the  pint  ot  a  tack.  Menny  think 
as  our  iron  screws  will  first  hammer  down  Savanner.  But 
noboddy  actilly  nose  whar  the  bolt  will  fall.  Anuther  week  at 
furthest  will  tell  the  story.  In  the  ineentime,  let  us  put  our  trust 
in  the  Lord,  ef  not  in  Giddyun. 

In  Kaintucky  things  look  promisin.  Peagrim  hes  ben  shelled 
outer  his  persishin.  The  turn-up  took  place  near  Summerset, 
whar  our  brave  Ginral  Gilmore  gin  him  a  lofty  fall.  Onless  the 
telagram  lies — witch  it  sumtimes  doos  like  thunder  and  lightnin 
Peagrim's  raid  inter  Old  Kaintuck  is  nockt  eendways  by  the 
Union  forces  a  raid  agin  him. 

On  tuther  hand,  howsever,  Ginral  Bragstun  Brag  reports  to 
Richmound  that  Ginral  Forrest  hes  made  a  dash  at  Brentwood 
in  West  Tenassee,  and  bagged  eight  hunderd  of  our  men  and 
thirty-five  off'sirs.  Brag  is  remarkabul  for  mendashus  state- 
ments, so  mebbe  the  reported  capter  is  a  misstake.  Ef  troo,  I 
persoom  the  detachtment  was  supprised  in  thar  night-gownds, 
takin  a  refreshin  snooze  with  thar  heads  pillerd  on  thar  nap  sacks. 
Setch  oneggspected  and  ongenerus  visits  from  the  enemee  fre- 
kweutly  occurs  in  our  camps,  and  sarves  to  sho  that  they  hev  no 
respeck  for  the  rools  and  regalashins  of  civileysed  warfare.  To 
attack  our  milentary  boddies  when  asleep,  is  a  knockturnal  out- 
rage on  the  manors  and  custurns  of  an  enlightend  age. 

A  startlin  report  from  Yorktown  hes  jest  flasht  over  the  wires. 
It  is  stated  that  the  scecesh  is  pitchin  inter  us  at  Williamsburg 
like  a  thousand  of  bricks,  or  ray  ther  like  twenty  thousand  bricks, 
for  that  is  sed  to  be  thar  numbers.  Ginral  Keys,  who  curnmands 
our  forces  at  Yorktown,  was  at  Fortress  Honro  when  the  ball 
opent,  and  it  is  sed  he  tore  his  locks  when  he  heerd  the  noose 
and  vamosed  immediently  in  a  steamboat  for  the  seen  of  the 
shindy.  I  sor  him  on  Pennsj'lvany  avenoo  oney  day  before 
yestday,  and  Washington  not  bein  more'n  a  hunderd  milds  from 
his  head-kwarters,  it  was  kinder  nateral,  you  no,  for  him  to  be 
here  when  the  enemee  was  moovin  to  a  tack  his  persishin, 
Wamt  Wellington  at  Brussils  when  the  fightin  began  in  the  ney- 


268  WAR    LETTEBS     OF 

brood  of  Waterloo,  and  dont  our  ginrals  all  take  pattern  arter 
the  Iron  Dook.  Ef  you  should  happen  to  here  afore  Sunday 
that  Williamsburg  hes  ben  tuck,  be  sure  to  menshin  that  Ginral 
Keys  was  at  his  post  in  time  to  pardizzypate  in  the  defect. 

The  reports  about  the  enemee  retreatin  from  the  Rapperham- 
mock  is  all  bolderdash.  Ginral  Hooker  nose  better,  and  jest  as 
sun  as  the  sile  on  the  banks  will  support  his  legins,  he  will  order 
the  bugles  to  sound  and  go  in  like  a  trump.  Hooker  is  all  grit 
and  grissel  from  his  corns  to  his  coconut.  Sum  thinks  he's  not 
up  to  the  fancy  dodges  of  a  brilyant  retreat,  and  I  think  its  likely, 
for  he's  not  of  a  relirin  dispersishin.  Ef  the  Gardin  of  Ediu 
was  behint  him  and  the  infernal  Haidees  in  frunt,  he'd  pitch 
right  inter  the  latter  as  joyfully  as  ef  he  was  rushin  inter  the 
arms  of  his  wife.  Thars  nuthin  of  the  crab  about  Fightin  Joe  ; 
his  legs  is  oney  maid  to  go  wun  way ;  he  kant  advance  back- 
ards.  His  army  is  in  reglar  pugilistick  condishin,  and  it  will  be 
a  bluddy  day  for  Secesh  when  he  throes  his  cockt  hat  inter  the 
battle  ring. 

The  pollytishins  here  is  considabully  eggsersized  about  the 
cummin  eleckshin  in  Conneticut.  Major-Ginral  and  Mrs.  Thumb, 
who  hev  recently  ben  dooin  the  State  onder  the  orspeaces  of  Mr. 
Barnum,  hev  sent  on  wurd  that  its  all  right ;  but  Seckatry  Welles 
is  dubyus.  Howsever,  he  doosent  no  the  State  as  well  as  the 
State  nose  him,  so  he  may  be  rong.  For  my  own  pairt,  line 
willin  to  bet  high — say  Guvner  Seemore's  Chepultepeck  Swoord 
of  honor  to  a  wooden  nutmeg — that  the  Copperheds  will  git 
skunkt.  I  oney  wisht  the  Conneticut  regeraents  at  the  Seat  oi 
War  hed  a  chanst  to  vote.  Wouldn't  they  aim  thar  ballots  whar 
they  all  us  aim  thar  bullets,  right  at  the  face  and  eyes  of  treason  ! 
Wai,  I  reckin  they  would !  Its  too  bad,  while  the  brave  fellers 
is  smashin  Seceshinists  in  the  feeld,  that  the  ConcessTdnists 
should  be  helpin  Jelf  Davis  to  hum  ;  but  I  kant  bleve  but  wot 
the  sneakin  cusses  will  meet  with  cold  cumfort  when  the  issoo 
cums  to  be  tried  at  the  poles. 

His  Amabul  and  Upright  Eggsellency  the  President,  the  cher- 
ful  and  happy,  hes  not  utterd  a  cannondruin  for  sum  time,  and 
intends,  I  onderstand,  to  abstain  from  his  ushil  endulgences  in 
that  line  onlil  arter  the  day  sot  apart  for  huinilashin  and  prare. 
Altho  a  Fast  man,  he  hes  a  wunderful  idee  of  properiety. 
Hopin  that  fastin  will  enabul  us  to  take  Yicksburg — and  mebbe 
it  will,  as  we  air  told  Hunger  will  make  its  way  throo  stun  walls 
— I  rernane,  with  plus  felines, 

Yours  allus,  A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB. 


No.  XCV. 

[The  result  of  the  Connecticut  election,  so  boldly  predicted 
by  our  correspondent,  when  a  Republican  defeat  was  universally 
expected  here,  appears  by  his  letters  to  have  had  a  cheering 
effect  upon  his  spirits.  His  description  of  the  feminine  rumpus 
in  Richmond,  although  it  differs  in  some  respects  from  the 
accounts  in  the  Richmond  papers,  is,  no  doubt,  the  correct  ver- 
sion, as  his  sources  of  information  are  always  reliable,  and  he 
never  exaggerates.  A  careful  perusal  of  his  brief  remarks  on 
the  report  of  the  War  Committee  will  enable  the  reader  to 
guess  at  his  opinion  of  General  McClellan,  though  he  writes 
very  guardedly.— EDS.] 

NAYSHINAI,  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  April  9, 18C3. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

The  Copperhed  collaps  in  Conneticut  hes  cut  the  combs  of 
concesshinist  cusses  in  the  Capital  considabully,  and  ef  Hunter 
and  Dupont  suckseeds  in  the  hard  brush  cummin  off  on  the 
Sutherh  coste,  it  will  leve  nuther  har  nor  hide  of  the  Cumprom- 
rnis  party  in  these  diggins. 

I  notis  as  the  old  rats  of  the  New  York  World  is  allreddy  put- 
tin  off  from  the  sinkin  Secesh  raft,  "  wun  eend  of  witch,"  as 
the  eddytur  navely  obsarves,  "  is  onder  water  in  Conneticut." 
As  WOOD  was  on  that  eend  of  the  timber,  together  with  all  his 
tuglemen  and  the  Eggspress  agent  of  the  consarn,  I  spose  they 
may  be  considerd  as  heving  all  gon  to  I)avis  Locker.  Honabul 
Thomas  Henry  Seemore  the  blind  pilot  of  the  onfortnit  casta- 
ways, is  sartainly  "  down  among  the  ded  men."  Findiii  it  was 
no  use  to  struggle  agen  destiny,  he  threw  up  his  hands,  and  sir- 
renderd  hisself  to  his  fate,  eggsclaiming  as  he  went  onder,  "  So 
much  for  BUCKINGHAM  !" 

Ef  ennything  was  wantin  to  give  the  deth  bio  to  the  "  Nuth- 
ern  men  wi  h  Suthern  principals",  the  mistake  they  made  in 
holdin  entervews  with  Lions,  the  British  Plenipenitentiary, 
would  do  the  job.  Lions  ses  they  told  him  thar  mane  hope  was 
in  British  mediashin;  in  uther  wurds,  they  wanted  Victory 
to  interfear  to  save  thar  Suthern  frends  from  defeat.  You 
onghter  prent  the  letter  of  the  British  Envy  on  the  subjeck,  in 
the  collumes  of  the  SUNDAY  MERKARY,  lor  it  prooves  beyant  all 
kwestin,  that  the  leeders  of  the  Peace  Party  in  New  York  is  the 


270  WAR    LKTTBKS    OF 

meanest  set  of  bootlieks  that  ever  glued  thar  dirty  tungs  to  British 
lether. 

Judgin  from  the  resent  wimmins  riot  in  Eichmound,  things  is 
tendin  to  a  crysis  in  Jeffland.  The  Amazins,  it  seems,  was 
hedded  by  a  lady  in  independent  suckemstances,  and  as  might 
naterally  be  sirmised,  they  attacted  the  millindary  establishments 
and  dry  goods  stores  with  desput  fury.  They  hysted  a  banner  bar- 
ing the  inskripshin,  "  Bunnets  or  Blood",  and  went  inter  the  fray 
with  horrid  hoops  and  hidyus  yells.  Arter  takin  the  dry  goods 
establishments  by  storm,  they  dressed  thar  ranks,  and  assailed 
the  skeart  factories,  exposin  thar  pursons  in  the  most  fearless 
manner,  and  carryin  all.  before  em.  Crossin  Shockoh  Crick, 
they  marched  agin  the  modests  in  the  fashinabul  pairt  of  the 
city,  and  tho  an  attemp  was  made  to  barricade  the  streets,  the 
bresl  works  did  not  for  a  moment  impede  thar  progress.  Thar 
crownin  feet  was  to  mount  all  the  tallest  stiles  in  French  hats, 
arter  witch  they  consented  to  listen  to  a  speetch  from  JeiF  Davis, 
who  gin  his  word  of  honor  to  supply  em  with  French  rolls  and 
omlets  evry  inornin  for  brekfast,  at  his  own  expens  ;  arter  witch 
they  kwitely  disburst.  Altho  thar  skellinton  forms  bore  wit- 
ness to  thar  destitooshin,  it  is  an  astonishin  fack  that  as  sun  as 
the  rampage  among  the  silks  and  ribbins  and  cetery  began,  they 
entirely  forgot  thar  stumrnicks,  and  it  was  not  ontil  Jeff  began 
to  tork  to  em  about  provisions  that  they  remembered  thar  fama- 
lies  was  starvin.  Thar  wardrubs  bein  now  thurrowly  replen- 
isht,  it  is  thort  that  they  will  not  feel  inklined  to  fly  to  arms 
agin  afore  the  Fall  Fashins  is  advertised. 

The  report  of  the  Committee  on  the  Conduck  of  the  "War  is 
mutch  disgust  in  pollytickle  sirkles  here.  Maclellin  is  denounst. 
as  a  Ginral  thing.  Menny  thinks  he  was  a  leetle  rnite  overcaw- 
ehus.  He  seems  to  hev  hed  a  great  respeck  for  the  milentary 
rool  that  a  Cummander-in-chief  shouldn't  resk  his  life  onnes- 
sarily.  Sum  allows  that  he  rayther  run  the  idee  inter  the 
ground,  and  was  so  ankshus  not  to  hev  his  plans  deranged  by 
any  axdcnt  to  hisself,  that  it  made  him  peer  ridickalus.  Uthers 
represents  that  altho  brave  as  a  lion,  he  is  of  a  narvous  tem- 
perament, and  consekeiitly  doosent  like  to  go  inter  the  noise  and 
turmoil  of  an  engagement  for  fear  of  loosin  his  hed  and  bein 
onabul  to  give  his  orders  clarly.  For  my  own  pairt  I  regaird 
him  as  a  fine  man  in  an  onfortuit  persishin  ;  but  as  the  report 
oi  the  Committee  is  a  breef  dockyment  of  oney  seven  thousand 
pages,  in  coarse  evry  man  will  read  it  for  hisself  and  form  his 
own  opinyun.  I  raaly  wouldn't  hev  bleved  that  it  could  hev 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  271 

brti  curuprest  inter  nearly  the  same  space  as  Bancroft's  History 
of  the  United  States,  witch  it  doosent  eggseed  more'n  two  or 
'liree  vollums. 

The  Government  is  in  hourly  eggspectashin  of  larnin.that 
Charlestun  is  an  ash  heap  ;  but  I  am  not  kwite  so  sangwinary. 
A.rter  all  the  time  the  rebels  hes  hed  for  obstructin  the  channels, 
to  say  nuthin  of  all  the  forts  bein  cased  with  pig  iron,  they  must 
be  poor  shoats  ef  they  cant  keep  us  at  bay  for  sum  time  to  cum. 
Tliars  no  dout,  I  spose,  that  our  Monitors  will  giv  em  a  lessin  in 
the  eend,  but  theyve  got  a  tuff  rod  in  pickle  for  us,  and  our  gun- 
boats will  get  menny  a  hard  spank  afore  the  shindy's  over. 

Confidently  awaitin  the  gloryus  event,  tho  onsartain  when  it 
will  cum  off,  I  remain,  serenely, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEE. 


No.  XCVI. 

[We  commend  the  views  of  our  cynical  correspondent  on  the 
"  check  "  at  Charleston,  and  the  invulnerability  of  the  Monitors, 
to  the  attention  of  all  who  "  halt  between  two  opinions  "  en  these 
two  mooted  questions.  The  Disbanded  is.  true  as  steel  to  the 
Union  cause,  but  his  organ  of  reverence  being  imperfectly 
developed,  he  does  not  speak  as  deferentially  as  we  could  wish 
of  persons  in  authority.  As  he  is  not  accountable  for  the  shape 
of  his  head,  we  excuse  him. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  April  16, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Mfrkary  : 

My  predickshin  that  we  wouldent  redooce  Charlestun  to  ashes 
so  all-thunclerin  eesy  as  sum  of  our  offishal  foo-foos  sposed,  hes 
ben  moanlully  foolfllled,  and  our  false  profits  air  considabully 
taken  down  by  the  ackounts  from  that  kwarter.  Seckatry 
Welles  looks  bewilderd,  like  a  man  suddently  awoke  from  a 
plesent  vishin  by  a  cry  of  fire.  It  is  roomered  that  his  intelleck 
is  givin  way,  but  I  don't  think  thars  enny  solid  foundashin  for  the 
report.  In  reply  to  those  who  condole  with  him  on  the  mis- 
fortin,  he  merely  ses  he  "  eggspected  the  reverse",  witch  is  a 
fack  or  a  fickshin  accordin  to  the  sense  in  witch  you  take  the 
anser.  The  truth  is  that  the  Illustrus  Minister  and  Mariner  hed 


272  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

an  idee  that  the  Charlestun  torts  would  cave  in  arter  hafe  a 
duzzen  rounds  or  so,  and  it  was  oney  when  he  heerd  of  the 
sinkin  of  the  Keocuck  that  he  reelized  the  rebels  was  reddy  for 
the  Tug  of  War.  Ginral  Halleck,  whenever  the  subjeck  is  men- 
shint  in  his  hearin,  assooms  the  attitood  of  Ajacks  defyin  the 
lightnin,  and  ef  tall  torkin  could  conker  the  Secesh  strong- 
holt,  nuthin  more  would  be  reckwisit  than  to  send  that  dis- 
tingwisht  speshil  pleeder  to  the  Charlestun  Bar.  It  is  sed  that 
sumboddy  axed  him  tuther  day  why  them  seven  thousand  men 
was  hurrid  off  on  a  fool's  errant  to  Folly  Island,  and  wot  they 
was  eggspected  to  do  agin  five  rnilds  of  forts  mounted  with  a 
thousand  cannon  and  fifty-five  thousand  rebel  bagnets  reddy  to 
give  it  to  em  hot  and  heavy  at  the  uther  eend  of  the  cool  da  sack, 
I  dont  no  wot  reply  the  galliant  Atturney-Ginral — I  call  him  so 
bekase  he  was  an  Atturney  prevus  to  bein  a  Ginral — made  to 
this  important  kwestin,  but  I  onderstand  the  troops  was  sent  on 
to  see  how  alrnity  kwick  thirty- two  guns  could  smash  a  line  of 
works  stronger'n  Sebasterpull,  onder  a  corncentrickle  fire  from 
three  hundred  rifled  peaces  at  a  distans  of  seven  hunderd  yerds. 
It  was  thort  the  spectickle  would  be  encurridging  to  the  land 
forces,  and  inspire  ein  with  no  eend  of  ardor  and  devoshin ;  but 
as  it  turnt  out,  they  went  back  reflectin  serously  on  the  onsar- 
tinty  of  accornplishin  onpossabilities. 

The  modern  Father  of  his  Kentry  is  cam  and  composed  onder 
the  late  dispensashin.  He  says  it  was  "  not  a  repulse — oney  a 
check".  Prehaps  he  means  a  check-mate,  for  my  nobul  frend 
offen  conseals  sumthin  redickalus  onder  his  .gravest  remarks. 
Happenin  to  ketch  his  egul  eye  as  he  stood  on  the  stare-way  of 
the  War  Department  to-day,  he  beckont  me  too  him,  when  the 
follerin  dialog  ensood : 

"  Honabul  Abe,"  ses  I,  "  wot  do  you  think  of  the  problem  of 
iron-clad  involnerability  ?" 

"  Disbanded,"  he  replied,  "  it  is  a  problem  no  longer — the 
rebels  lies  riddled  it." 

"But  accordin  to  Ericson,"  I  remarkt,  "the  new  fightin 
rnasheens  wurkt  percisely  as  intended.  He  considders  ein  a 
sucksessful  eggsperiment." 

"That's  nateral,"  rejined  the  President,  "I  dessay  the  three 
navigaters  of  Gotham  as  went  on  a  creAVS  in  a  bowl,  crackt  up 
their  craft  as  a  first  rate  speciment  of  navel  holler- ware." 

"He  ses,"  Icontinned,  "that  our attact on Sumter was  'fraught 
with  incalkalable  benefit.' " 

"  Asalting  to  no  porpus,  and  gettin  an  orful  pepperin  iri 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB.  278 

return,  doosent  seem  to  me  like  gettin  the  best  of  the  brile,"  he 
anserd. 

"  That's  troo,"  ses  I,  "  and  I  think  you  hed  better  rite  to  the 
Gentuian  from  Denmark,  and  ax  him  ef  he  wont  dane  to  eggs- 
plane  his  meanin.  He's  a  skyentific  feller,"  I  added,  "no 
kwestin  about  that ;  but  he  was  ekwilly  confident  about  his 
atmusferic  ship,  witch  howsever  proved  a  thing  of  air  and  arter 
a  few  puffs  from  the  press  sobsided  with  an  asmatic  wheeze  inter 
oblivyun." 

"  I  remember  it,  D.  V.,  I  remember  it,"  remarkt  the  President 
thortfully,  "  and  that  affair  oughter  have  ben  a  monitor  to  the 
nashin,  caushinin  us  not  to  put  too  much  faith  in  new  projecks 
from  the  same  kwarter." 

"  Now  you  go  too  fur,"  I  subjested,  "  the  new  stile  of  iron- 
clads is  ondoutedly  good  things  in  thar  way,  and  ef  thar  imper- 
feckshins  ken  be  reinooved  they  will  do  good  sarvice  under  sar- 
tain  contingenscas.  Wot  I  objeck  to  is  the  assershin  of  the 
inventor  that '  not  a  single  change  of  plan  is  called  for.' " 

Oursaygasheus  Cheef  Madgistrit  agreed  with  me,  as  ushil,  and 
the  upshot  of  the  matter  is  that  the  armor  of  the  new  Monitors 
is  to.  be  made  thick  enuff  to  stand  enny  kwantity  of  hits  from 
the  biggest  kind  of  missills,  and  ef  the  addishunal  weight  carries 
em  down  at  thar  moorins,  we  must  let  the  invenshin  slide,  and 
charge  the  expens  to  the  sinkin  fund.  Ef  we  sink  the  hull 
thars  more  whar  that  cums  from,  and  we  know  all  thunderin 
well  thars  ten  times  as  mutch  whar  it  will  go  to. 

We  air  ankshusly  lookin  for  intellegens  from  North  Caroliny, 
and  I  rather  imadgin  that  when  it  arrives  it  will  be  of  the  ill- 
starred  South  Caroliny  stripe — in  uther  words  onfavorabul  to 
the  Stripes  and  Stars.  Ef  the  sevin  thousand  Union  troops  that 
was  despatched  from  Hilton  Hed  to  chaw  up  the  fifty-five 
thousand  rebels  at  Charlestun,  had  ben  sent  to  Ginral  Foster,  he 
mought  hev  licked  his  assailants,  insted  of  bein  as  he  is  at 
present,  cooped  up  on  a  tung  of  land,  and  in  the  jaws  of  destruck- 
shin.  I  persoom  he  will  meet  with  what  my  illustrus  paytrun 
would  call  a  "  check" — on  the  banks  of  the  Tar. 

But  notwithstandin  the  imbesillyty  that  prevails  at  head 
kwarters,  the  good  caws  is  bound  to  cum  out  right  in  the  eend. 

With  strong  faith  in  the  kentry,  but  not  a  mite  in  the  Admin- 
istrashin,  I  remain, 

With  a  stiff  backbone, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER 
12* 


274  WAR    LETTERS    Off 

NO.  xcvn. 

[The  Veteran  flaps  his  wings  and  crows  over  the  late  successes 
of  our  arms,  like  a  patriot  as  he  is,  but  there  is  a  spice  of  satire 
in  his  composition  that  must  have  vent  somehow,  and  it  leaks 
out  toward  the  close  of  his  epistle.  And  yet  there  is  no  more 
real  bitterness  in  him  than  there  is  in  a  Newtown  pippin. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  April  23, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

Things  looks  a  leetle  brighter  for  our  blessed  old  Unkel  E.  P. 
Unuru,  this  week,  clont  they  ?  Ginral  Foster  got  outer  his  skrape 
better'n  thar  was  enny  resin  to  andissipate,  and  the  public  mind 
here,  arter  bein  wurked  up  to  a  tearable  pitch,  hes  at  lenth  been 
sot  at  rest  by  the  result  of  the  late  hevvy  brush  on  the  Tar. 

The  intelligens  from  the  Blackwater,  that  Peck  hed  carrid  his 
pint  was  also  receved  with  onineshered  satisfackshin  at  Head 
Kwarters.  Peck  is  a  wurthy  sun  of  the  Empire  State  and  like 
her'n  his  motto  is  Excel  Sir.  A  better  sojer  never  drawd  a 
swoord,  and  Old  Onadagger  hes  a  right  to  brag  on  him.  I  hope 
the  way  he  salted  Longstreet's  advance  will  be  apresheated  in 
Syracuse.  The  fact  is  when  Longstreet  crost  the  Blackwater, 
and  D.  H.  Hill  started  from  tuther  side  of  the  Dismal  Swomp  to 
meet  him,  they  thort  they  hed  Suffolk  shoor.  The  two  together 
hed  sixty  thousand  of  the  very  flour  of  the  Cornfedrit  troops, 
enuff  to  suffokate  Peck's  small  corpse  by  thar  mere  weight,  ef 
they  could  hev  throvd  tharselves  onto  both  his  flanks  at  wunst. 
But  he  gin  Longstrect  his  grewill  mity  kwick,  and  Hill  bein 
onabul  onder  the  suckemstances  to  advance  to  his  sucker,  our 
victry  was  complete.  About  the  same  time  too  the  secesh  was 
gettin  a  lammin  from  Ginral  Getty  and  Levetenant  Lamson,  who 
stormed  thar  Nancy  Mond  brestworks  with  great  ardor  and  en- 
tire suckcess. 

Right  on  the  heals  of  this  good  noose  cum  wurd  that  Admaril 
Porter  hed  run  the  Vicksburg  batterees  with  six  iron-clads  and 
some  troops  in  transports,  and  astonisht  the  Butternuts  in  the 
woods  around  "Warrenton  with  a  shower  of  ten-inch  shells. 

Simultanus  with  the  abuv  arrove  a  short  electree-magnetic 
epistol  from  the  Corinthians,  announcing  that  Ginral  Dodge  hed 
ben  lettin  daylight  inter  the  rebel  gentiles  near  Corinth,  and  that 
they  hed  fled  from  the  rath  to  cum. 

Even  that  warnt  all,  for  we  heerd  the  same  day  from  New 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  275 

Orleans  per  George  Washington,  that  Ginral  Emory  hed  gin  the 
enemy  a  severe  rub  in  frunt,  and  that  Ginral  Weasel  hed  made  a 
strong  demoustrashin  on  thar  rare  afore  they  got  scent  of  his 
moovements.  The  probility  is  they  hev  ben  skunkt.  A  black 
detachment  likewise  peers  to  hev  ben  dooin  good  sarvice  in  that 
kwarter.  Four  hnnderd  and  fifty  secesh,  consistin  of  horse  foot 
and  dragons,  it  seems  attacted  wun  hunderd  and  eighty  nigs, 
eggspectin  to  chaw  em  up  right  away.  But  the  Shiverally  as 
went  out  for  wool  cum  back  shorn,  with  a  loss  of  twenty  killed, 
menny  wounded  and  three  snaked  off  as  prisners,  and  leavin 
thar  cullers  in  the  hands  of  the  cullerd  pursons. 

All  this  is  encurridgin  and  I  feel  in  fussrate  sperrits,  and  so  doos 
my  steamed  frend  His  Eggsellency  the  President  of  the  United 
States.  Indeed  I  never  seen  that  great  Pollytickle  and  Milen- 
tary  Loominary  more  full  of  enthusiastick  fire,  and  ef  he  hedn't 
gin  vent  to  his  felines  by  admittin  Western  Virginny  into  the 
Union  sixty  days  arter  date,  I  dunno  but  his  senses  mought  hev 
ben  endangered  by  a  suddent  rush  of  victry  to  the  head.  Good 
tidins  from  the  seat  of  war  is  so  onfrekwent,  that  when  our 
troops  make  a  successful  dash,  the  inseargeants  ken  skarsly  be 
more  taken  by  supprise  than  we  air. 

The  sakrid  sile,  I  am  happy  to  say,  will  soon  hev  sufiBshent 
consistency  to  allow  us  to  operate  with  artillery.  An  a  decamp 
from  the  Rapperhammock  informs  me  that  most  of  the  cannon 
as  sunk  inter  the  moreasses  when  Burnside  boggled  in  his  last 
attemp,  lies  ben  dug  out,  and  that  the  river  kentry,  with  the  egg- 
Bepshin  of  the  fishers  opened  in  the  road  by  heat  of  the  sun, 
will  be  in  putty  good  condishun  for  a  march  by  the  last  of  April. 
The  Army  of  the  Potomac  hevin  jest  ben  paid  off,  is  in  a  happy 
frame  of  mind,  and  the  men,  though  a  good  deal  engaged  in 
brag,  air  ankshus  to  face  the  bullets  of  the  enemy.  Thar'll  be 
an  everlastin  big  funeral  or  a  mity  rapid  foot  race  in  them  dig- 
gins  putty  resently.  The  rebel  ginrals  eggspect  a  shindy  thar 
immediently,  and  Fightin  Jo  is  not  the  man  to  disappint  thar 
resinable  tho  tresinable  longins.  Ef  he  doosent  warm  the  wax 
in  thar  ears  afore  the  first  of  May,  I  think  it  will  be  the  folt  of 
the  struttygists  at  Washington. 

My  heroick  paytrun,  the  nashiu's  cheef,  was  delited,  doorin  his 
late  visit  to  Ginral  Hooker,  with  the  sojerly  aperience  of  the 
sojers.  He  witnessed  the  artillery's  shell  practis  with  much  sat- 
isfackshin,  remarkin,  in  his  farseeshus  way,  that  it  was  ekquil  to 
Oysterlitz.  I  bleve  he  intermated  a  wish  at  wun  time,  to  take 
command  in  purson,  and  seezin  a  flag,  waved  it  tords  the  enemy : 


276  \7AB    LETTERS     OF 

but  on  its  bein  subjested  by  sumboddy  that  "  Deth  lores  a  shinin 
mark",  lie  waved  the  subjeck.  It  would  be  a  gloryus  sight  to  see 
the  galliant  cheef  chargin  at  the  head  of  the  Highland  Regi- 
ment, in  the  same  Scotch  uniform  he  wore  cloorin  his  sellybrated 
forced  march  from  Philadelphy  to  Washington.  The  story 
about  his  hevin  his  rains  seezed  by  insubordinit  sojers,  \vho  de- 
manded his  munny  or  his  life,  is  altogether  onlroo.  They  simply 
stopt  his  carridge,  and  respeckfully  axed  him  ef  he  would  like 
to  hear  em  sing,  "  How  air  you,  Greenbacks  ?" — a  beautiful  solow, 
witch,  as  yon  air  awar,  was  sung  with  great  applause  by  Bryant 
of  the  Evenin  Post,  at  the  Minstrel  Hall  in  Broadway,  jest  arter 
his  troupe  got  thar  fat  Guverment  offices. 

In  referrin  to  the  Presidenshil  visit  to  the  Rapperhamrnock,  I 
oughter  menshin  that  Mrs.  Lincoln,  like  her  honnerd  husband, 
was  much  pleased  with  the  milentary  aperience  of  the  niilentary. 
This  important  fack  hes  never  ben  allooded  to  by  the  Washing- 
ton correspondents  of  your  leaden  daylies,  but  I  am  satisfide  it  is 
awethentick. 

Hevin  nuthin  further  of  intrest  to  comrnoonicatc,  I  send  you 
my  blessin,  in  which  the  President  and  the  heads  of  the  War 
and  Navy  Departments  condesendinly  concurs,  and  remain  as 
ushil,  Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


NO.  xcvm. 

[The  old  warrior's  letter  for  this  week  is  a  queer,  desultory, 
rigmarolish  sort  of  affair.  He  makes  no  comment  on  current 
events,  and  his  communication  is  not  at  all  in  the  vein  in  which 
he  usually  writes.  Well,  so  much  the  better.  It  is  not  desir- 
able that  correspondents,  like  violinists,  should  achieve  a  repu- 
tation for  fiddling  persistently  on  a  single  string. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  May  1, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

Judgin  from  the  way  the  slashes  around  Washington  is  dryin 
up,  the  varus  army  corpses  will  sun  be  able  to  moove  without 
dannger  of  bein  berrid  alive  in  mud.  Spring  is  a  breef  and 
summary  seesin  in  these  diggins,  and  altho  this  is  oney  the  first 
of  May,  it  is  warm  enuff  to  take  wuns  dejuner  in  the  open  air. 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  277 

Yestday  I  mounted  my  charger — a  butiful  dun  brown  animal 
persented  to  me  by  Gimal  Maclellin  arter  his  sevin  days  retreat 
froni  the  White  House  to  Hairassin  Landin— and  tuck  a  ride 
inter  Prence  Georges  County,  as  far  as  Slygo  Crick,  a  seekwes- 
tard  slreem  as  runs  a  little  to  the  eastard  of  the  Deestrick  line. 
On  arrivin  at  Carols  Mill  I  found  the  birds  singin  gaily  in  the 
old  feelds,  and  evrything  lookin  peaceful  and  plesent.  Ah! 
thort  I,  as  I  notist  a  gang  of  feeld  hands  standin  eatin  thar  lunch 
in  the  corner  of  a  corn  patch,  how  diffrent  is  this  fete  shampeter 
from  the  fete  saltpeter  that  is  goin  on  on  tuther  side  of  the  Poto- 
mac. Here,  I  solilykwised,  the  blacks  is  plantin  corn — thar  the 
whites  is  plantin  cannon — here  the  slaves  is  kwietly  tendin  to 
thar  craps — thar,  freemen,  in  the  wurds  of  the  poick,  "like 
rippers  descend  to  the  harvest  of  Deth ;  here,  the  coo  of  the 
turkle  is  heerd  in  the  land — thar,  evrything  is  preparin  for  a  coo 
de  main ;  here,  the  grass  blades  is  greenly  springin — thar,  the 
swoord  blades  is  redly  wavin ;  here,  hunderds  of  fetherd  song- 
sters pores  forth  grateful  rnewsick — thar,  the  ear  is  deefend  by 
the  thuuderin  Parrots ;  here,  man's  labor  hes  a  blessed  aim — 
thar,  his  pershoots  is  of  a  holey  opposit  nater.  The  corntrast 
was  too  aflectin  to  be  dwelt  on,  so  wipin  away  a  tear  with  my 
hankerchcr,  and  at  the  same  time  givin  ray  hoss  a  wipe  Avith 
the  cowskin,  I  dasht  inter  the  woods  at  a  slappin  pace.  Hevin 
resided  in  Prence  Georges  for  a  wile,  about  thirty  years  ago,  I 
new  the  names  of  a  good  rnenny  of  the  old  settlers,  incloodin 
the  Martens,  wun  of  hoom  hes  jest  ben  caged  for  indulgin  in  a 
bit  of  a  crow  over  Charlestun.  I  called  on  sum  of  the  small 
planters  famrnalies,  and  found  em  rayther  poorer 'n  I  left  em  a 
score  and  a  hafe  years  ago;  for  the  sile  of  the  kcntry  is  the 
ongratefoolest  and  nieenest  kinder  sand  that  niullins  and  broom- 
sedge  ever  growd  on,  and  the  longer  a  man  lives  onto  it,  the 
more  lieabul  he  is  to  die  of  starvashin.  The  arabul  land  is  so 
ongodly  barren  it  isent  wuth  a  cuss,  and  the  pastors  ia  all  gar- 
lick.  The  inhabitans  is  a  herrin-gutted,  slab-sided  race,  as 
subsists  alltogether  on  salt  shad,  salt  pork,  beans  and  homany> 
and  Merryland  terbacker.  In  coarse,  I  dont  refer  to  the  big 
planters,  like  the  Calverts,  and  Crarnplins,  and  setch,  who  hev 
hunderds  of  niggers  of  evry  shade  and  culler  and  stile  of  feter, 
and  emung  the  rest,  quoderoons  as  i'avers  thar  owners  as  mutch 
as  wun  musheroon  favers  enuther.  Them  fellers  live  like  fightin 
cox,  and  looks  down  upon  the  wun-hoss  farmers  as  skratches  lor 
a  livin  in  the  barren  sand  with  as  mutch  conternp  as  a  pecock 
would  onto  a  tumble-bug.  Most  all  the  popalashin,  howsever, 


278  WAR    LETTERS    OF 

rich  and  poor,  is  of  the  Rebel  perswashin,  and  would  be  delited 
to  see  Washington  in  flams,  and  to  ride  my  lustrns  frend  Abe  on 
a  rail  by  the  light  of  em.  But  line  kinder  wanderin  off  into  gin- 
ralties.  To  return.  As  I  was  perseedin  throo  the  woods  I  cum 
acrost  a  remarkabul  yaller-lookin  white  man  sittin  on  the  stump 
of  a  tree  he  hed  jest  cut  down,  and  amusin  hisself  with  spittin 
at  a  mark  he  hed  blazed  onto  an  old  chesuut  oak  about  ten 
feet  off. 

"  Wot  mought  you  pay  for  that  cretur  of  yourn?"  ses  he,  as  I 
rode  up. 

"  I  dident  buy  him,  my  yaller  flower  of  the  forrest,"  ses  I. 

"  You  look  to  me  considabul  like  a  Nuthern  Mudsill,"  he  re- 
markt,  throo  his  nose,  at  the  same  time  takin  a  lickwid  shot  at 
his  terbacker-juice  target. 

"  You  call  yourself  a  Buckskin,  I  spoae,"  I  replide. 

"Umn-umn,"  he  responded,  spittin  and  noddin  at  the  same 
moment. 

"  Doos  that  mean  yes,  in  Buckskin  dialeck  ?"  I  inkwired. 

"  Umn-unin  !"  he  rejined. 

"  Wai,"  ses  I,  "  youre  kwite  right  to  call  yourself  a  Buckskin, 
for  your  peltry  peers  to  be  purty  near  the  culler  of  my  old  Cali- 
forny  huntin  shirt,  eggsept  whar  its  warigated  with  the  juce  oi 
the  weed." 

"Umn-umn!"  he  ejacklated,  fiercely,  eggspectoratin  like  a 
hose  pipe. 

"  Have  you  heerd  that  we've  givin  the  mfarnal  Secesh  fits  at 
all  pints  ?"  I  shouted. 

"  Umn-umn  ?"  ses  he,  inderogativly. 

"Darn  your  '  Umn-umn!'  "  ses  I.  "Why  dont  you  utter  ar- 
ticklit  sounds,  insted  of  makin  a  noise  like  a  bumble-bee  with  a 
bad  catar  ?" 

"  Umn-umn !"  ses  he  agin,  throwin  away  his  kwid  and  spittin 
at  it  on  the  vring. 

And  that  was  all  I  could  git  outer  the  interestin  young  Prence 
Georgian.  I  warnt  surprised,  becase  I  new  by  eggsperiens  the 
natur  ot  the  Prence  George  variety  of  the  human  speeches) 
"  Umn-umn"  is  the  leadin  frays  of  thar  langwidge.  It  lies 
twenty-five  diffrent  meanins,  accordin  to  the  way  it  is  per- 
nounst,  and  the  oney  wunder  to  me  is  that  they  dont  destroy  the 
mewcuss  rnembrains  of  thar  noses,  with  playin  the  variashins 
oa  it  from  mornin  till  night.  Thar  edicashin,  upon  the  hull, 
is  not  pollisht.  Sum  ken  read,  sum  ken  rite,  and  sum  ken  doo 
nuther;  but  as  a  ginral  thing  oney  the  aristockracy  ken  doo 


A     DISBANDED     VOLTJNTEEB.  279 

both.  They  considder  publick  skools  a  poplar  error,  and  that 
the  wisdom  got  outer  books  is  all  a  follysee.  The  males  take  to 
chawin  immediently  arter  they  hev  dun  teething,  and  parsevere 
in  the  practis  arter  all  thar  teeth  is  gon.  In  thar  fudes  and 
kwarls  they  make  it  a  rool  never  to  let  a  man  up  ef  they  ken 
help  it.  and  air  so  fond  of  gouging  that  they  will  amuse  thar- 
selves  all  day  long  -with  skoopin  out  the  eyes  of  potaters,  ef  they 
kant  find  ennything  else  to  oprate  upon.  Sum  of  em,  arter 
takin  out  the  opticks  of  an  enemee,  hev  a  plesent  way  of  fillin 
the  orifiz^es  up  with  sand,  or,  ef  convenient,  with  old  sojers.  I 
wunst  seen  this  feet  peribrmt  on  Washington  Race  Coarse. 

Takin  it  altogether,  I  must  say  that  my  eggscurshin  inter 
Prence  George's  County  diddent  giv  me  a  faverabul  impresshin 
of  the  trooth  and  lyalty  of  the  peeple  of  that  regiu. 

In  fack,  ef  ennyboddy  in  the  North  sposes  that  enny  argyment 
short  of  hard  nocks  and  short  commons  will  indooce  our  way- 
wurd  brothers  in  the  South  to  fraytemize  with  us,  he  must  be  a 
purson  whoom  it  would  be  a  foolsom  complement  to  call  a  foo-foo. 

Hopin  that  we  may  sun  suckseed  in  convincin  em  of  thar 
misstake  by  setch  mild  perswashins,  I  remane, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLTJNTEEB. 


No.   XCIX. 

[Although  the  later  news  from  Washington  which  we  publish 
to-day  solves  the  bloody  problem  which  seemed  to  be  but  half- 
worked  out  at  the  date  of  our  veteran  correspondent's  letter,  his 
dry  humor  and  trenchant  sarcasm  will  be  none  the  less  relished 
on  that  account. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  May  7, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary: 

As  you  will  hear  no  more  of  the  tearabul  serees  of  runcounters 
on  the  Rapper-hammock,  afore  this  reaches  you  then  ennyboddy 
here  doos  now,  I  shall  not  attemp  in  the  ushil  stile  of  newspaper 
currysponclents  to  make  matters  clar  to  the  public  witch  I  hev 
no  means  of  seein  throo  myself.  Insted  of  grafflc  deskripshins, 
I  rel'er  you  to  the  tellagraffic  statements.  At  best  I  could  oney 
giv  you  the  heads  of  the  noose,  and  by  Saturday  you  will  hev 
details. 


All  day  yestday  I  was  sirkilatin  among  a  number  of  wownded 
cumpany  offsirs  and  rebel  prisners,  sent  in  from  our  lines,  and 
endevorin  from  thar  conflicktin  ackounts  to  form  sum  idee  ol 
the  conflick.  But  it  was  onpossabul.  Our  own  fellers  unanny- 
musly  disagreed  in  thar  stories  and  the  rebels  dident  agree  with 
enny  of  em.  The  fact  is  that  suppleturn  offsirs  nose  very  littel 
of  the  ginral  moovements  of  a  fight.  They  air  too  apt  to  dror 
thar  inferences  from  wot  occurs  within  thar  own  feeld  of  obser- 
vashin,  and  the  premises  bein  narrer  the  conclushins  is  naterally 
wide  of  the  mark.  Consekently  wile  a  wownded  captin  belongin 
to  the  force  witch  bed  ockapied  the  ridges  at  Fredericksburg 
was  sartain  that  we  bed  nockt  Ginral  Lee  inter  a  cockt  hat,  a 
lefteuant  from  the  right  wing  was  of  a  pinion  that  Ginral  Hooker 
bed  ben  kickt  higher'n  a  kite.  Howsever  as  the  leftenant  was  a 
shiftless  Dutchman  from  Ginral  Shirtz  divishin,  and  bed  a  bullet 
bole  in  the  sole  of  his  foot,  I  let  him  run  on  without  payin  much 
attenshin  to  his  gabble — merely  remarkin  that  as  he  appeered  to 
hev  ben  in  a  bad  persishin  for  seein  wot  was  goin  on  in  frunt,  I 
should  prefer  waitin  for  Ginral  Slowcum's  report.  He  warnt 
awar  I  spose  that  I  bed  alreddy  beerd  of  the  grand  stampede  of 
the  Dutch  under  Shirtz,  a  feet  as  will  proove  to  all  cummin  ages 
that  altho  clumsy  to  look  at,  thar  is  wunderful  fleetness  in  the 
German  Race.  A  wownded  offsir  of  Best's  Artillery,  who 
arrove  here  this  mornin,  ses  he  never  seen  the  crack  runners  of 
the  Turn  Veerin  make  setch  time  as  all  bans  did  arter  Stun- 
wall's  Jackson's  gang  gin  thar  battel  yell  and  made  thar  rush. 
"  Ive  beern  tell,"  ses  be  (larfin  in  spite  of  his  wownd),  "  of  the 
Flyin  Dutchman  of  the  Sea,  but  seven  thousand  flyin  Dutchmen 
on  the  land,  with  a  volley  of  musketry  plumpen  inter  thar 
starns,  is  a  mutch  sublimer  specktickle."  By  all  ackounts,  ef 
they  hedn't  ben  brort  up  all  standin  by  the  bagnets  of  Sykeses 
Reglars,  they  would  hev  kept  on  to  the  day  of  thar  deth,  like 
thar  sellybrated  kentryman  with  the  clockwurk  leg. 

As  to  the  rebel  prisners,  thar  ginral  asspeck  is  skallywaggisb, 
and  sum  of  em  smells  like  old  cannon  swobs,  in  consekens  of 
lievin  ben  primed  with  a  rnens  'kwantities  of  rum  and  gun- 
powder prevus  to  goin  inter  ackshin.  In  coarse  the  reackshin  is 
tremenjus,  now  the  effecks  of  the  steamin  is  goin  off,  and  not  a 
few  of  em  is  in  a  condishin  borderin  on  wot  the  doctors  call 
many  a  pot  you.  Thar  wardrubs  air  mostly  light  and  well 
adopted  to  porpuses  of  ventilashin ;  and  judgin  from  thar  thred- 
bar  apperience,  you  would  say  setcb  men  must  sun  be  worsted. 
But  thar  frames  air  well  knit  and  wiry,  and  they  bev  a  rattle- 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  281 

snaky  eggspreshin  about  the  eyes  that  is  by  no  means  engagin. 
As  to  fitiii,  most  of  em  is  born  with  a  nateral  taste  for  it,  wile 
with  us  Nutherners  it  is  ackwired.  Howsever,  kwite  a  number 
of  those  I  hev  converst  with  complains  of  the  shortness  of  grub 
in  the  rebel  ranks,  and  seems  ankshus  for  a  speedy  piece.  "  At 
first,"  ses  wun  of  em  to  me,  yestday,  "  I  thort  it  was  a  jam  up 
thing  to  be  a  sojer ;  but  toting  a  muskit  on  an  emty  sturnmick  is 
alarinin  hard  work,  lie  be  gaul  darned  ef  it  isent!"  Anuther 
told  me  he  hed  "  drord  no  pay  for  leven  munths,  and  ben  down 
with  the  billus  remittance  besides,  and  he  wisht  he  mought  go 
ded  if  he  dideut  think  it  was  bout  time  for  both  sides  to  stop 
butting  and  gouging,  and  rest  on  thar  lorils."  Several  that  I 
torked  to  declard  they  hed  no  desire  to  be  "  traded  off  for  Yan- 
kees," but  would  rayther  stay  here  and  take  the  oath  of  a  legions 
than  be  sent  back  to  the  Secesh  army. 

The  Secesh  simperthisers  here  is  in  an  agerny  about  Ginral 
Lee's  extree-hazardus  persishin,  and  the  presents  of  two  thou- 
sand five  hunderd  captivated  rebels  in  the  city,  with  four  or  five 
thousand  more  to  foller,  sours  the  milk  of  human  kindness  in 
thar  coco  nuts  considabul.  But  they  think  it  best  to  cork  up  the 
vials  of  thar  rath,  and  let  consealment  like  a  wurm  in  the  bud 
pray  on  thar  dammask  cheeks,  for  fear  they  should  sheer  the 
fait  of  Villaindigham,  who,  in  consekens  of  shoin  his  hand  in 
Ohio,  lies  put  his  foot  in  it. 

The  noose  in  town  to-day  is  that  the  Monitors  is  preparin 
wunst  more  to  enter  the  narrer  channil  ef  the  Edisto  and  giv 
the  Uharlestun  forts  anuther  broadside.  I  gess  taint  so.  Giddy un 
Wells  is  a  man  that  may  as  a  ginral  thing  be  depended  on  for 
doin  jest  what  he  oughtent,  when  he  oughtent,  in  the  way  it 
oughtent  to  be  dun,  but  line  not  prepard  to  bleve  that  his  embe- 
sillyty  will  carry  him  far  enulf  to  poke  his  finger  a  seckind  time 
inter  the  fire  afore  the  blisters  of  the  first  skorchin  hes  fairly 
heeld.  But  wot  a  pity  it  is  we  should  hev  setch  a  Giddy  Goose 
at  the  head  of  a  Department  whar  the  cunnin  and  forecast  of  the 
Fox  should  be  the  guvernin  principal. 

My  indummytable  frend,  the  President,  presarves  his  ushil 
trankwil  asspeck.  He  seems  to  reelize  the  responsabilities  that 
attach  to  the  Eggseggative  cheer,  and  rises  with  the  ockashin. 
As  it  is  now  mail-time  I  must  foller  his  illustrua  eggsample,  as 
sun  as  I  hev  subskribed  myself, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 
ii.ya  to.    .•.v^-"- • 


282  WAR    LETTERS     OF 


No.  C. 

[The  readers  of  the  SUNDAY  MERCURY  will,  we  think,  agree 
with  its  editors  iii  pronouncing  the  following  letter,  from  the 
veteran  friend  of  both,  one  of  his  happiest  efforts.  It  is  brimful 
of  capital  hits.  Peruse  it  carefully. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTER,  WASHINGTON,  May  14, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

Bad  warnt  it  ?  Jest  as  we  was  beginnin  to  holler  Victry,  and 
hed  got  to  the  eend  of  the  first  sellabul,  to  hev  to  change  the 
wurd  inter  victimized!  The  rout  to  the  Capital  of  the  Slave 
States  peers  to  be  rayther  harder  to  travil  than  the  road  to  the 
sorces  of  the  Niger,  witch  I  remember  readin  about  when  a 
youngstir,  in  Mungo  Park.  Hooker's  dash,  howsever,  is  sartainly 
an  improovement  on  the  Burnside  smash,  tho  the  result  of  the 
fray  is  percisely  the  same,  and  was  announst  by  eye-witnesses  in 
the  same  frayseology,  namely  "  Our  Army  hes  recrost  the  river 
in  saifty."  It  is  satisfactory  to  no  that  our  survivin  collumes  hes 
returnt  saift.  The  return  of  killed  and  wownded  is  onavoidably 
postponed,  for  the  present,  in  consekens  of  thar  bein  left  on  the 
right  bank  of  the  Rapperharnmock,  reposin  on  the  bed  of  glory. 
That  collume,  when  it  cums  to  be  footed  up,  will  be  a  hevvy 
wun  Ime  afeard. 

The  most  cumfurtin  fetor  of  the  bluddy  affair  is  the  large  num- 
ber of  rebels  slain.  Bein  more'n  hafe  slewed  with  rum  and  gun- 
powder, they  rusht  blindly  on  thar  doom  and  was  tumbled  over 
in  heeps  by  our  staggerin  showers  of  grape.  The  sum  totil  as 
bit  the  dust  is  onknown,  as  it  warnt  conveenyent  to  stay  long 
enuff  on  the  ground  to  count  em  up  ;  but  when  our  army  goes 
back  to  finish  up  the  job,  that  dooty  will  be  performt,  and  the 
fishal  ackount  publisht.  As  to  prisuers  we  hev  stacks  of  em, 
and  capterd  rebel  flags  is  so  plenty  in  the  market  that  they  may 
be  called  a  drug  rayther  than  a  standard  airtickle. 

The  reports  from  the  Theayter  of  War  clash  so  orfully,  that  it 
is  difficult  for  enny  wun  not  behind  the  seens  to  assertain  the 
origin  of  our  discomforter.  Sum  ses  it  was  the  wether.  Uther 
sum  allows  we  should  hev  hed  to  back  down  wether  or  no.  Dis- 
tingwisht  milentary  men  thinks  the  enemee  outflankt  us  ;  sum 
thinks  they  outspankt  us.  Who  nose  ?  Wun  thing  is  shoor. 
The  story  of  thar  flite  from  the  line  of  the  Rapperhammock, 
was  a  fiite  of  fancy.  In  coarse  you  hev  red  Fitiu  Joes  flamming 


A    DISBANDED    VOLUNTEEB.  283 

address,  congratalatin  our  army  on  its  defeet.  Ginral  Lees  many- 
fester  clahnin  a  complete  sucksess  is  in  a  simildar  vain.  As 
far  as  Bunkum  is  consarned  it  is  about  a  tie  atwixt  em,  but  our 
Ginral  is  on  the  rong  side  of  the  river,  witch  is  a  serus  drawback. 

Onder  the  suckemstances,  it's  wunderful  consolin  to  refleck 
that  Stunman  inflickted  a  stunner  on  the  rebs  by  cuttin  thar  rail- 
roads when  they  hed  no  more  sojers  in  Richmound  to  send  over 
em.  Also  we  oughter  to  be  thankful  to  no  that/  ef  Hooker  hed 
larnt  that  important  fack  in  time,  he  would  hev  "delivered 
battle"  with  his  hull  army,  in  place  of  deliverin  the  army  itself, 
with  immedient  despatch,  on  the  North  bank  of  the  Rapper- 
hammock.  It  is  likewise  a  proud  thort  that  the  sight  of  our 
troopers  throo  sevral  old  wimmin  in  the  secesh  Capital  inter 
sreekin  hisstearicks,  and  set  the  fashinabul  belles  to  ringin  thar 
hands,  and  the  church-bells  to  ringin  thar  clappers,  creatin  a 
universal  perricksism  of  oncontrollabul  emoshih.  The  onhappy 
females  eggspected  tho  ushil  outrages,  and  nuthin  shorter ;  but 
to  the  honor  of  our  sojery  be  it  sed,  they  merely  flurished  thar 
weepins  in  full  vew  of  the  city,  and  then  rode  on,  disdainin  to 
use  em  on  nun-cumbertents. 

Wot  the  necks  dodge  will  be  the  latest  noose  from  head-kwar- 
ters  doosent  indickate.  It  mebbe  backards,  or  forrards,  or  try- 
angler  from  Eely's  Ford,  or  parrybolical  or  parrydoxical — the 
last  inenshind  bein  upon  the  hull  the  most  probabul.  Mutch 
depends  upon  the  struttygests  of  the  War  Department.  The 
late  trip  over  the  Rapperhammock  and  the  Rapid  Ann,  is  sed  to 
hev  ben  figgerd  out  in  that  interestm  branch  of  the  public  ser- 
vis,  and  I  onderstand  it  is  oney  the  first  moove  of  a  serious 
destined  to  giv  the  Confedrates  setch  shocks  in  the  feeld  as  will 
compel  em  to  acknolledge  the  corn  afore  harvest  time  cums 
round.  The  ridg'nater  of  the  skeem  is  the  smooth  and  polisht 
Ginral  Halleck,  and  it  is  wisperd  that  he  will  assoom  the  cum- 
mand  of  the  Army  of  the  Potomac  and  carry  the  diegram  out  in 
purson.  The  vetran  offsirs,  in  the  feeld  air  kwite  agreeable,  for 
as  he  frekwently  hauls^them  over  the  coals,  they  think  it  no 
more'n  right  that  he  should  hev  a  chanst  to  take  a  hand  at  ma- 
nooverin  onder  fire  hisself.  I  dessay  he  will  do  wunders,  for  he 
hes  hed  the  advantidge  of  a  West  Pint  eddicashin  tho  onfortnitly 
he  dident  carry  his  pint  in  the  West.  Ef  thar  is  enny  bridging 
to  be  dun  he  will  be  sartain  to  hev  the  pontoons  on  the  spot  by 
the  time  the  enemee  is  prepard  to  receeve  em. 

You  will  notis  that  thar  is  a  triflin  disagreement  atwixt  the 
bellygerents,  in  relashin  to  the  rebel  loss  in  the  late  shindy. 


284  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

Hooker  ses  eighteen  tJiousand;  Lee  ses  seventeen  hundred.  The 
trooth  is  sposed  to  lie  sumwhars  atween  the  two,  but  noboddy 
eggsept  the  Recordin  Angel  ken  tell  percisely  whar,  and  he's 
ben  kep  so  etarnal  bizzy  lately  that  its  ten  to  wun  ef  his  books 
is  posted  up.  Thars  no  dout,  howsever,  that  we  bagged  four  or 
five  thousand  of  thar  rank  ancl  file,  and  tharfore  Lee  s  statement 
must  be  as  rank  a  fib  as  ever  was  put  on  file  by  a  Ginral  ank- 
shus  to  make  the  best  of  an  aukard  skrape. 

Stunwall  Jackson's  deth  will  be  a  bad  thing  for  the  rebels,  as 
his  energetick  sperrit  was  the  life  and  soul  of  the  corpse  to 
witch  he  belonged.  They  could  better  hev  spard  forty  ridge- 
ments  of  thar  ornary  butternuts,  Kernils  and  all,  then  that  crack 
namesake  of  Old  Hickory's.  Thar's  not  an  olfsir  hafe  as  kwick 
on  the  trigger  left  in  the  Comfedrit  Army.  His  charge  on  Shirtz 
divishin  was  a  suprisin  feet.  It  beat  the  Dutch.  Thar  never 
lived  a  braver  sojer  than  Stunwall,  and  I  gess  he  thort  he  was 
right,  tho  in  coarse  he  found  out  that  he  was  in  the  rong  box  as 
sun  as  he  had  kickt  the  bucket.  The  Richmound  Inkwirer  ses 
he  was  shot  by  his  own  men,  who  misstook  him  for  a  mudsill. 
Setch  axdents  will  happen  in  the  best  reglated  milentary  famma- 
lees.  It  is  ginally  bleved  that  Kernil  Miles,  of  Bull  Run  and 
Harper's  Ferry  sellebraty,  was  plugged  by  a  Union  sojer,  who  took 
him  for  a  traitor.  Prehaps  the  sojer  was  right.  Menny  thinks  so. 

Congratalashins  bein  the  Order  of  the  Day,  I  congratalate  the 
kentry  on  the  fack  that  Grant  holds  the  door  to  Vickshurg. 
Lord  grant  that  he  may  walk  in !  But  Ime  afeard  thar'll  hev  to 
be  considabul  knockin  dun  afore  the  chaps  as  hangs  onto  the 
door  on  tuther  side  lets  go  thar  holt.  Vicksburg  is  of  a  thun- 
derin  sight  more  importence  to  us  then  Richmound,  bekase  ef 
we  git  the  Mussysippi,  the  rebels  can  eggsport  no  more  supplies 
from  Texas  and  Western  Louseanna  to  the  uther  Suthern  States, 
and  a  state  of  starvashin  will  ensoo. 

"We  don't  get  mutch  intelligens  from  Murphy's  Burrow,  but 
as  Mr.  Adams,  in  anser  to  Lord  Russell's  cumplaints  about  en- 
listen  Brittish  subjects,  ses  the  emigrants  from  Ireland  is  bound 
for  the  West,  I  persoom  Rosincranch  is  awaitin  re-inforcements 
from  the  Emrald  He. 

Washington  is  tolably  helthy,  altho  a  good  roenny  visiters  is 
sufferin  severely  from  Tape  Worm,  a  lingerin  disease  which  is 
prevalent  here  at  all  seesins  of  the  year.  The  Modern  Father 
of  his  Kentry  and  his  Constitooshinal  advisers  is  salubrus,  anu 
unites  with  me  in  remainin, 

Yours  allus,  A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


ADISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB.  285 

No.  CI. 

[It  is  clear,  from  the  tenor  of  the  following  letter,  that 
"  The  Disbanded  "  fully  appreciates  the  merits  of  the  question 
involved  in  the  Vallandigham  affair,  and  we  are  glad  to  see 
that  a  full  understanding  of  all  the  facts  has  drawn  from  him 
such  a  protest  against  arbitrary  and  illegal  arrests  as  might  have 
been  expected  from  so  staunch  an  advocate  of  Constitutional 
Liberty.  He  is  too  much  in  earnest  to  be  particularly  humorous, 
but  his  remarks  are  pithy  and  pertinent. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  May  21, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Herkary : 

The  Coustitooshinal  Advisers  is  far  from  eesy  in  thar  minds, 
and  the  great  Springfieldian  who  holds  the  rains  of  pour  is  a 
leetle  afeard  that  he  hes  gone  beyant  the  pail  of  his  orthority  in 
heving  Villaindigham  jugged.  Noboddy  keers  a  red  for  Vil- 
laindigham,  for  it's  well  onderstood  that  he's  a  mere  gas-bag ; 
but  it's  the  idee  of  overridin  the  Constitushin  and  acts  of  Con- 
gress with  SOJEB  LAW  that  riles  the  public  temper — it's  the 
BAGONET  that  sticks  in  the  gullets  of  the  Peepul.  Sum  of  the 
most  airnest  members  of  the  Republican  Party  is  as  mutch 
agen  milentary  sezers  in  the  free  States  as  Guvner  Seemore 
is,  and  wun  of  the  most  uncumpromissin  Unionists  in  Wash- 
ington told  me,  this  very  mornin,  that  he  thort  the  SWOORD 
was  inakin  altogether  too  free  with  the  STATOOTS.  The  Nay- 
shinal  Intelligensir  has  proovecl  beyant  all  kwestiu  that  the  per- 
seedins  in  Ohio  was  in  flagrant  vilashin  of  an  eggspress  act  of 
the  last  sesshin  ;  and  I  don't  spose  thar  is  twenty  jernils  in  the 
Union  that'll  jestify  the  grave  afence.  We  hev  noose  here 
to-day  that  the  Press  of  New  York,  without  distinkshin  of  party, 
hes  agreed  to  take  up  the  cudgels  agen  supersedin  legal  pro- 
cesses with  MUSKET  Lou  in  the  Paytryotic  North,  and  onless 
the  Administrashin  drors  in  its  horns  on  this  pint,  the  Cabnet 
will  purty  sun  hev  the  noosepapers  in  thar  har,  and  thar'll  be 
hot  wurk  in  the  wigwarm. 

Ime  inklined  to  bleve  that  the  saygashus  statesman  onto  whoos 
sholders  the  mantel  of  Washington  hes  drifted,  begins  to  feel 
like  Richloo,  in  the  play,  when  he  found  the  Weepin  of  Des- 
putism  rayther  too  hevvy  for  a  weak  old  man  to  fence  with ; 
and  hens  he  hes  determined  to  let  the  Ohio  Humbug  up  and  send 
him  to  make  out.his  case  in  Dixie,  insted  of  boxing  him  up  in  a 


288  WAB    LETTERS    OF 

Barsteel.  But  arter  all,  this  is  oney  a  hafe  way  meshur,  and  the 
ginral  pinion  amung  thortful  men  in  this  regin  is,  that  onless  the 
right  of  the  Guverment  to  make  its  charges  agin  citysins  of  the 
lyal  States  with  cold  steel  in  the  place  of  paper  instrooments, 
and  to  try  them  by  drum-head  court-marshils  insted  of  leevin 
them  to  letherhed  Jewries,  is  disavowed  in  the  plainest  terms, 
thar  will  be  an  all-thunderin  row  wun  of  these  days. 

Belevin  that  sartain  parties  who  hed  the  ear  of  the  President 
was  endevorin  to  pull  the  wool  over  his  eyes  in  relashin  to  pub- 
lic sentiment  on  this  ticklish  subjick,  I  called  at  the  White 
House  on  Toosday  and  hed  a  long  palaver  with  him.  As  no 
"  ginral  order"  agin  the  publickashin  of  the  conversashin  hes 
ben  issood  by  the  Cheef  Maunderin  of  the  "War  Department,  I 
venter  to  send  you  a  diejest  of  the  dielog.  The  President  was 
remarkably  curshus  and  condesendin. 

"D.  V.,"  ses  he  when  I  enterd  the  sanktum,  "  I  bleve  its  now 
seven  weeks  senst  you  honnerd  me  with  a  call." 

"  Six,  benine  Ruler,"  I  replide,  correctin  his  misstake. 

"  I  hev  stept  in,"  ses  I,  "  in  my  sufferiii  capassity  as  wun  of 
the  peepul,  to  ax  you  to  put  a  stop  to  milentary  arrests  of  civil 
individyals,  in  States  whar  the  civil  lor  hes  not  ben  suspended. 
If  you  don't  you'll  put  your  foot  in  it." 

"  Sir !"  he  retorted,  with  an  impeeryal  jester  of  his  right 
hand,  while  he  pulled  his  whisker  with  the  left,  "  you  air  too 
free." 

"  No  Abraham,"  I  rejined  with  kwiet  dignity,  "7"  am  not  free 
enuff,  when  my  libty  is  at  the  rnarcy  of  enny  Ginral  as  chooses 
to  trampel  on  the  lors  of  the  land." 

"But,"  ses  he,  "you  peered  to  rejice  over  the  downfall  of 
Villaindigham. " 

He  thort  he  had  me  thar. 

"  Yes,"  I  anserd,  "  that's  troo,  for  I  sposed  at  first  he  had 
ben  took  onder  the  act  of  the  last  seshin  of  Congress,  and 
would  hev  a  legal  trial  afore  a  civil  tryboonal.  But  it  seems  he 
was  seized,  tried  and  condemd  by  Sojer  Lor  alone,  in  defians  of 
the  statoot.  Thars  nuthin  wus'n  that  dun  in  Rooshee  or 
Austree." 

"  What  air  you  drivin  at  ?  Do  I  look  like  a  man  capabul 
of  establishin  and  maintainin  a  milentary  desputism  ?"  ses  he, 
takin  a  stick  of  sweet  flag  outer  his  pocket,  and  bitin  off  the 
eend  of  it. 

"  Not  at  all,  my  mild  and  much  beluved  frend,"  I  responded, 
"  ef  ever  thar  was  a  coco  nut  full  of  the  milk  of  human  kindnesa 


A     DISBANDED    VOLUNTEER.  287 

it  is  yourn.  But '  Evil  commoonicashins  corrupt  good  manners.' 
Your  amabul  weakness  and  vassalatin  dispersishin,  is  took  advan- 
tage of  by  desinin  demmygogs." 

"  Oney  to  think,"  ses  he,  puttin  his  handkercher  to  his  eyes, 
"  tliat  my  pollytickle  enernees  should  endevor  to  raze  a  storm 
about  my  ears  by  representin  that  I  want  to  redooce  my  kentry- 
men  to  the  condishin  of  surfs." 

"  Wall,"  I  obsarved  kindly,  I  don't  think  that  of  you ;  and  ef 
you  want  the  hull  North  to  entertain  the  same  felines  tords  you 
as  I  do,  jest  dismiss  wun  member  of  your  Cabnet,  and  issoo  a 
Proclamashin  announcin  that  the  SWOORD  POWER  is  no  longer 
to  be  allowed  to  throttle  down  free  speech  in  the  LAND  OF  THE 
FREE. 

He  sithed  deeply,  and  mutterd  sumthin  about  callin  a  Cabnet 
Counsil,  and  dooin  all  he  could  to  satisfy  the  peepul ;  but  alas  I 
wots  the  use  of  good  intenshins  without  a  stiff  morril  back- 
bone. 

I  think,  howsever,  that  the  change  in  Villaindigham's  do.  ;y- 
nasbin  is  doo  to  my  representashins  ;  but  I  don't  ask  enny  thanks 
from  that  pollytickle  chunk-head  or  his  snake-in-the-grass 
assoshits.  The  Administrashin  is  a  darned  sight  better  frend  to 
the  Ohio  foo-foo  than  I  am,  for  it  is  dooin  its  best  to  make  nateral 
insignificance  conspickuous,  by  outragin  a  great  prenceple  for  the 
sake  of  chokin  him  down. 

All  is  as  quiet  as  a  churchyard  on  the  Eapperhammock,  and 
likely  to  be.  Thar?s  about  as  mutch  chansj  of  Hooker  re-crossin 
that  interestin  streem  at  present,  as  thar  is  of  Stunwall  Jack- 
son's goste  cumming  back  to  giv  us  anuther  bastin,  from  tuther 
side  of  Jordin. 

Hopin  for  the  best,  but  not  expectin  it  very  confidently,  I 
remain,  for  Law,  Liberty,  and  the  Union, 
Yours  alias, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER 


No.  CH. 

[We  specially  commend  to  the  risible  sensibilities  of  our  read- 
ers the  Disbanded's  convulsive  description  of  a  Cabinet  Coun- 
cil.—EDS.] 


288  WAB    LETTEK6    OF 

NATSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  May  27, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

"  I  wunder  ef  Vicksburg  is  took  ?"  is  the  prevalin  fizzyonomi- 
cal  eggspreshin  in  Washington  to-day.  Ever  senst  we  hed  the 
noose  that  the  enemee  hed  retreted  from  the  Big  Black,  a  neger 
desire  to  no  the  final  issoo  hes  ben  rnanyfested  here.  A  Cab- 
net  meetin  was  held  this  forenoon,  to  disgust  the  pros  and  cons 
of  the  subjeck,  at  which  my  frend,  the  President,  devoted  hisself 
to  the  cons,  as  ushil.  I  hev  larnt  sum  of  the  particklers  of  wot 
occurd  at  the  meetin,  throo  a  privit  channil  as  commoonicates 
with  the  back  stars  of  the  Counsel  Chamber,  and  I  bleve  the 
follerin  draymatio  sketch  of  the  percedins  is  as  near  the  trooth 
as  the  fasillyties  afforded  by  an  ornary  keyhole  will  permit 
Seen. — A  rurn  in  the  War  Offis. 

Carriclcters  present. — Messers.  A.  Lincoln,  W.  H.  Seward,  E. 
Stanton,  G.  Welles,  and  S.  P.  Chase. 

A,  L.  (risin  and  openin  the  palaver). — "  Feller-Citysins  and 
Constitooshinal  Advisers,  bein  in  a  state  of  suspense  on  ackount 
of  the  suspenshin  of  intelligents  from  the  Sow-west,  witch  you 
will  agree  with  me  is  a  great  boar,  I  hev  summont  you  for  the 
porpus  of  gettin  yo  r  enlightend  vews  of  the  situashin  at  Vicks- 
burg, about  witch  I  am  sorry  to  say  we  air  all  ekwilly  in  the 
dark." 

W.  H.  S. — "  Mr.  President,  my  opinyun  is  that  an  onrepressa- 
bul  conflick  is  now  goin  on  between  Grant  and  Porter  on  the 
wun  hand,  and  Pemberton  and  Johnston  on  the  uther  hand,  and 
regarclin  the  distant  struggel  with  the  cam  and  thortful  eye  of 
a  statesman  and  filossafer,  I  deem  it  prematoor  to  predick  the 
issoo  ontil  I  see  the  otfshal  report  of  the  result.  The  bitterest 
thing  a  man  ken  swaller  is  his  own  wurds,  and  hevin  tasted  that 
kinder  diet  more'n  wunst,  I  dekline  venterin  on  enny  foregon 
conclushins  for  the  futur.  I  ken  oney  say,  that  as  a  relijus  man, 
with  a  firm  reliance  on  Providence,  I  hope  my  kentry  will  allus 
find  a  Helper  in  evry  Crisis." 

E.  S.  (sourcaustically). — "I  respeck  the  Honabul  gentman's 
diplomatick  cawshin,  witch  we  air  all  awar  is  the  frutes  of  sad 
and  solern  experience,  but  as  Cannon  Lor  is  esier  to  onderstand 
then  Intemayshinal  Lor,  Ime  willin  to  bet  him  the  price  of  a 
milentary  substitoot  agin  his  chance  for  the  Presidenshil  Cheer, 
that  Vicksburg  is  ourn  at  this  moment." 

A.  L.  (with  that  remarkabul  wink  of  hisn). — "  Bet  him  William 
Hemy,  rny  boy ;  you  cant  loose  nuthin,  nohow  !" 

G.  W.  (Rip-van- winkellishly). — "  Idoo  spose,  now,  we  shall  bag 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  289 

era.  Porter's  post,  now,  it  appeers  to  me,  decidedly  puts  wots- 
his-uanie  in  the  rong  box  ;  and  as  our  files  envelop  him  on  the 
uther  side  and  Johnston  hes  probly  mistaken  the  direckshin,  it 
doos  seem  to  me  now,  espeshelly  senst  that  carryer  was  taken 
with  the  rebel  despatches,  that  if  Furygut,  in  the  Hartford, 
sticks  to  the  letter  of  his — " 

A.  L.  (mildly  interruptin). — Giddyun,  Giddyun,  shet  up.  As  a 
postmaster  you  adorned  your  modest  stashin,  but  in  setch  mat- 
ters as  mastering  fortified  posts  you  air  not  well  posted,  Welles. 
Its  a  pity  upon  the  hull,  that  you  was  ever  taken  outer  the  post- 
offis,  and  put  inter  anuther  post,  whar  I  am  afeard  you  will  allus 
be  a  ded  letter." 

[Here  I  must  brake  inter  the  dielog  for  a  minit,  jest  to  say 
that  I  entirely  goinside  with  the  abuv  astoot  observashin,  and 
that  the  suverin  peeple  also  goinsides,  and  that  we  all  wish  the 
venabul  old  gentsian  with  the  top-not  would  see  it  in  that  light.] 

G.  W.  (seeminly  onconshus  of  the  President's  remarks). — 
"  Yes,  as  I  was  sayin,  ef  my  instruckshins  is  carrid  out,  the 
stronghold  of  the  rebels  will  be  took,  and  thar  bullyin  party 
effectually  put  down." 

S.  P.  C.  (suddently  lookin  up  from  the  last  page  of  hate  a 
kwire  of  paper  on  witch  he  hed  ben  calkilatin  the  compound 
interest  on  ten  thousand  niillyuns  of  greenbacks  for  two  hunderd 
years). — "Bulliun  is  down,  Sir ;  it  fell  over  six  per  cent  in  wun 
day." 

A.  L.  (hnpayshently). — "  Let  us  cum  to  the  pint.  The  kwestin 
afore  the  meetin  is  this — 'Is  the  mayjority  of  us  in  favor  of 
blevin  that  the  flag  of  the  free  flotes  over  the  Sebasterpull  oi 
the  Mussysippi  ?'  Salmon  P.  will  please  put  it  to  the  vote,  and 
giv  us  the  net  prosseeds." 

S.  P.  C.  (arter  collectin  the  sentimens  of  the  Counsil). — "  Ed., 
Gid.  and  me  votes  in  the  firmative,  Abe  in  the  niggertive,  and 
William  H.  both  ways,  and  wishes  both  opinyuns  to  be  sot  down 
in  black  and  white,  for  futur  reference.  The  Kwestin  is  carrid." 

A.  L. — "Yes,  but  line  afeard  Vickburg  aint.  Howsevcr, 
Grant  is  sartainly  the  right  sort  of  a  boy  to  push  on  the  colume, 
and  it  may  be  that  for  wunst  the  Rooler  of  Mankind  has  caused 
our  lines  to  fall  in  plesent  places.  Ef  on  the  contrary  the  rebels 
hes  ben  too  mutch  for  ua,  we  ken  oney  say,  with  the  poick,  '  thar 
is  a  Providence  that  shapes  thar  eends,  ruff  hew  em  how  we 
will.'  And  now,  the  publick  bizness  hevin  ben  put  throo,  lets 
hev  a  little  hulsum  privit  recreashin.  Gid,  why  is  coukerin 
Vicksburg  by  bumbardment  like  fryin  slapjacks  ?" 
13 


290  WAB    LETTERS     OP 

G.  TV.  (with  a  sleepy  sniild). — "  Is  it  bekase  its  dun  brown  ?" 

A.  L. — "  No,  you  old  hoss-inareen ;  its  bekase  its  a  batter-y 
bizness." 

The  Entire  Awedience.— " Ha !  ha!"  "Ho!  ho!"  "He!  he!" 
"Hi!  hi!  hi!" 

A.  L.  (resumin). — "  My  jolly  frcncls,  why  is  your  larfter  like  a 
dispatch  announciu  the  captor  of  rebel  prisners?" 

E.  S. — "  Rayther  too  eggstravagant  to  be  genwine— is  that  it  ?" 

A.  L.  (lookin  riled). — "  Bah !  you  old  Bellona  saucedge.  Cant 
you  see  its  bekase  its  a  catchy-nater-y  report." 

(Anuther  interniisshin  for  risablc  refreshment). 

A.  L.  (resumin  agin). — Wot  game  of  skill  doos  the  proposed 
Cornskripshin  resemble  ?" 

W.  H.  S.— Bubble  Shuffle,  mebbe." 

S.  P.  C. — I  call  it  the  sortin  of  the  pack  previous  to  a  game  at 
Water-loo — onlimited." 

A.  L. — "  Purty  good  for  you,  Old  Five-Twenties,  but  thato  not 
the  troo  solushin  of  the  problem.  The  game  witch  the  Corn- 
skripshin most  resembles,  is  the  game  of  drafts ;  and  my  objeck 
is  to  play  it  accordin  to  the  old  rool,  and  force  the  back  men  out 
as  kwick  as  possabul." 

[Applause  by  the  Cabnet,  who  rise  from  thar  cheers,  shake 
hands  with  the  President,  and  exhunt  omnibus.] 

Thar,  you  and  the  public  hev  it  as  I  hed  it ;  and  hopin  evry- 
boddy  will  appreshiate  the  mixter  of  wit  and  wisdom  with  witch 
affairs  of  State  air  disgust  by  the  Najrshin's  Cheef  and  his  Con- 
stitooshinal  Advisers.  I  remain,  as  ushil, 
Yours,  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  CHI. 

[Perhaps  we  do  not  entirely  coincide  with  all  the  views  ex- 
pressed in  the  following  letter — perhaps  we  do.  Leaving  that 
matter  an  open  question,  we  commend  the  epistle  to  the  serious 
consideration  of  thoughtful  patriots. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  June  4, 18G3. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

Wunst  more  the  oncoininon  smartness  of  the  man  called  by 
Providence,  throo  the  Ballet  Box,  to  rool  over  the  most  enlight- 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  291 

ened  nayshin  out,  hes  ben  made  palpabul  to  the  meanest  compre- 
hensin.  I  informt  you  in  my  last  that  he  stud  alone  amidst  the 
assembeld  wistium  of  his  Cabnet,  with  reports  of  the  capter  of 
Vicksburg  thunderin  in  his  ears,  and  eggsprest  the  bleef  that  it 
had  not  been  captivated.  He  prayed  that  it  mought  hev  ben, 
but  he  was  shoor  it  hedent ;  and  Hevin,  ankshus  to  oblige  the 
kentiy  with  a  noo  pruff  of  his  penetrashin,  thort  it  best  to  disre- 
gaird  his  prayers  in  order  to  vindicate  his  judgment.  Bein  on- 
willing  to  place  Hevin  in  setch  an  embarrassin  predickyment  a 
seekind  time,  he  preposes  to  remain  abeslootly  non-commital 
dooring  the  remainder  of  the  sege.  I  hev  axed  him  repetidly 
within  the  last  few  days  wot  he  sposed  would  be  the  isoo,  and 
his  uniform  anser  hes  ben  "  I  look  for  the  best  that  ken  possably 
happen,  and  also  for  the  wurst  that  ken  possably  occur,  and 
shell  cherfully  ackquicss  in  ether."  He  hes  given  the  same 
reply  I  ouderstand  to  all  inkwirin  frends,  and  may  now  be  sed, 
figgeratively  speakin,  to  be  standin  nooter  afore  the  peepul,  with 
his  eyes  shet  and  his  mouth  opin,  waitin  for  wot  Providence  may 
send  him.  From  the  present  asspeck  of  affairs  he  will  probly 
hev  to  remain  in  that  attitood  for  sum  time  afore  ennything 
draps. 

Yestday  thar  was  a  report  in  town  that  Ginral  Pemberton  was 
hung,  but  on  tracin  it  to  the  War  Offis  I  found  it  arose  from  the 
mistake  of  a  clerk  as  dident  no  the  ropes,  vho  hed  red  in  a 
Richmound  paper  that  he  was  sed  to  hev  ben  suspended.  The 
noose  was  too  good  to  be  troo.  Auger,  I  notis,  hes  given  the 
rebels  a  round  turn  at  Port  Hudson,  and  the  prospeck  of  his 
speedily  puttin  the  screws  to  that  important  post  air,  upon  the 
hull,  encurridging.  Ginral  Sexton  hes  jest  ben  on  from  Port 
Ryal,  and  he  intermated,  I  orderstand,  that  Hunter  and  the  Cum- 
mander  at  Newbern  hes  berrid  the  hatchet  and  smoked  the  cala- 
mus, like  Foster-bruthers.  Gammon!  Hunter,  in  coarse,  hes 
the  warm  sport  of  Chase,  but  he's  bound  to  be  releaved,  witch 
will  be  a  great  releaf  to  Foster,  who  luvs  him  ray  ther  wurse  than 
Satan  luvs  Saint  Peter. 

Ginral  Sexton  speaks  highly  of  the  condishin  of  our  cullcrd 
brethren  in  arms  in  South  Caroliny.  He  ses  thar  soles  air  in 
the  cause,  and  if  they  git  a  chanst  at  thar  late  masters,  the  wool 
will  be  apt  to  fly.  As  a  body  he  considers  them  ekwil  to  enny 
race  in  the  wurld  ;  and  feels  sartain  that  all  the  charges  made 
agin  em  will  be  rebutted  in  thar  first  collushin  with  the  enemee. 
I  don't  see  myself  why  they  should  be  more  afeard  to  risk  thar 
carcasses  than  us  Carcassians  ;  and  as  they  hev  ben  Cuffed  all 


293  WAR    LETTERS    OF 

thar  lives,  its  oney  human  natur  for  em  to  Cuff  back,  now  thar's 
a  fair  openiu. 

On  the  banks  of  the  Rapperhammock,  a  deth-like  kwiet  pre- 
vales.  Sum  sposes  as  Ginral  Hooker  is  ritin  a  full  report  of  the 
Union  cashualities  in  the  late  splurge,  and  doosent  want  to  be 
annoyed  and  put  out.  Bein  a  slow  penman  it  may  prehaps  take 
him  ontil  the  middle  of  July  to  get  throo,  and  then  ef  the  wether 
is  considerd  warm  enuff  he  may  possably  wunst  more  open  fire 
upon  the  enemee.  In  the  intrim  the  Army  of  the  Potomac  pick- 
nicks  in  peace  in  the  midst  of  the  most  pickteresk  senery,  and  is 
serenaded  evry  night  by  hunderds  of  birds  of  the  whip-her-well 
speeches,  who  air  thort  by  sum  of  the  sojers  to  be  the  sperrits  of 
thar  ded  comraids,  disguysed  in  fethers,  offerin  a  frendly  sub- 
jestin  as  to  what  oughter  be  dun  to  evry  wayward  sister  of  the 
Sutherin  Cornfedracy. 

Torkin  of  sperrits,  hev  you  heerd  that  sartain  members  of  the 
Cabnet,  as  hev  desarvedly  lost  all  confidens  in  tharselves,  hes 
commenst  consultin  the  sperrits  of  just  men  made  perfeck. 
They  doo  say  as  meetins  hev  been  held  at  the  White  House  at 
witch  the  presense  of  sum  distinguisht  members  of  the  under- 
ground frayternity  was  respeckfully  reckwested,  in  order  to  obtain 
thar  vews  on  the  conduck  of  the  war.  Et  flyin  rummers  is  to 
be  bleved,  several  deceast  worriers  sent  wurd  by  the  subtrainyan 
tellagraft  that  they  considerd  the  kentry  goin  to  the  dogs.  Ginral 
Jackson  is  reported  to  hev  rapt  out  his  opinyun  on  the  hed  oi 
the  Seckatry  of  War  in  the  most  emiatic  terms  to  be  found  in 
the  ded  langwidges.  Seckatry  Welles  is  also  stated  to  have  ben 
sarved  in  the  same  way  by  the  gostes  of  Perry  and  Decatur.  I 
don't  like  to  repeat  the  eggspreshins  sed  to  hev  ben  addrest  to 
the  Seckatries  by  the  departed  heroes,  bekase  I  hevent  mutch 
faith  in  the  stoiy ;  but  ef  they  did  make  the  remarks  attribitted 
to  em,  I  honor  thar  judgment  and  respeck  thar  candor. 

The  ininds  of  the  Constitooshinal  Advisers  is  considabully 
eggsersised  jest  now  about  the  Cornskripshin.  To  borrer  a  ineta- 
for,  from  a  high  sorce,  witch  you  may  hev  possably  met  afore  in 
the  noosepapeers,  every  thing  is  reddy  to  "  run  the  masheen"  ; 
but  it  is  thort  that  it  mought  run  eesier  ef  the  wheels  was  greazed 
witch  a  leetle  of  the  ile  of  victry.  As  sun  as  the  Gibberalter  of 
the  Mussysippi  is  took,  the  President  will  call  for  three  or  four 
Lunderd  thousand  men  to  finish  up  the  war,  and  it  is  hoped  the 
draft  will  be  cherfully  honered.  "  Oney  let  us  open  the  river," 
ses  Stanton,  "  and  tharll  be  no  difficulty  about  gettin  the  peeple 
to  fall  in."  And  Halleck  allows  that  when  setch  is  the  case, 


A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER.          293 

yvryboddy  abul  to  bare  arms  will  be  willin  to  roll  up  thar  shirt, 
sleeves  and  do  thar  purtyest-  On  the  uther  hand,  ef  Grant 
should  go  to  pot  the  masses  wont  be  kwitc  so  cger  to  be  mnsterd. 
The  plain  trooth  is — and  its  well  onderstood  here — that  we've 
cum  to  the  turnin  pint  of  the  great  shindy.  Queer  noshins  will 
occur  to  the  best  regulated  fammalies,  and  sumhow  a  large  num- 
ber of  the  suns  of  Columby  hes  got  it  inter  thar  obstinit  hods 
that  *******  (you  can  gess  at  the  name  by  the  number  of  stars) 
nose  rayther  less  about  plannin  c'ampains  than  the  Man  in  the 
Moon  nose  about  the  state  of  publick  morrills  in  the  planit 
Venus.  Its  a  dcplorabul  thing  that  an  idee  of  this  nater  should 
hev  sezed  upon  the  poplar  mind ;  but  the  peeple  hes  ben  so 
frekwently  disappinted  in  consekens  of  leanin  on  brokin  reeds, 
that  wun  ken  hardly  blame  ein  ef  they  pine  for  a  seckind  edishin 
of  Old  Hickory. 

The  wether  here  is  tolabul  warm,  and  the  kitchen  gardins  is 
full  of  airly  vegetabuls.  Altho  the  war  is  ragin  all  around  us, 
everything  here  seams  to  betoken  peas  and  plenty. 

"  Hopin  for  the  best,  but  prepard  lor  the  wurst",  me  and  the 
President  continnees  trankwil  and  composed ;  and  I  remain  as 
usiiil,  Yours,  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  CIV. 

[The  Disbanded's  lucubrations  for  this  week  are  of  a  some- 
what desultory  character.  All  soils  of  rumors  were  afloat  ha 
Washington ;  and  it  is  evident  that  he  had  very  little  faith  in 
any  of  them.  It  is  pretty  clear  that  the  Father  of  Fibs  has  a 
good  deal  to  do  with  Union  telegraph  lines. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  June  10, 18G3. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

"  Vicksburg  hes  caved  in."  "  Bet  a  V  it  haint."  "  llebels 
confess  it."  "  Gas  and  gammon."  Sure's  you  liv."  "  Whar 
did  the  noose  cum  from  ?'  "  Murphy's  Burrow."  "  Sum  small 
potater  blower,  I  spose."  "  Perticklers  in  the  Richinound  pa- 
pers." "That  be  gaul-darned,  now!  shet  up."  "They  hed  to 
kullaps.  Offsir's  critters  all  gon,  hides  and  all.  Dogs  gin  out 
Monday  week;  finisht  the  last  o'  the  cats  Wensday  follerin. 
Hed  to  srender  or  perish  in  the  attemp.  Consekently  did  sren- 


294  WAR     L  E  T  T  E  B  S    OF 

der."  "Who  ses  so?"  "  Respectabul  lady  from  Shelby ville 
reports  that  the  rebels  acknolledge  the  corn,  and  '  a  purson'  sor 
it  in  the  rebel  jernils."  "Stockjobbin  lie!"  "Cork  up,  you 
copperhead  cuss  !"  "  Here's  the  extree  RepuMcken  I  Capter  o' 
Vicksburg !"  "  Hurrah !  three  cheers  for  Grant." 

Setch  is  about  an  averidge  sample  of  the  bar  rum  gabble  in 
Washington  this  mornin,  and  Imc  afeard  the  dispatch  from 
Murphy's  Burrow  is  of  the  same  nater — all  bolderdash.  We've 
heel  bushels  of  idol  stories  from  that  pint,  and  Ide  be  eenarnost 
willin  to  go  baal  that  this  is  epochryfull  like  all  the  rest.  Vicks- 
burg is  compleatly  infested,  and  is  shoor  to  be  ourn  sunner  or 
later — but  line  inklined  to  think  it  will  be  later,  and  that  the 
gratifyin  inforrnashin  receved  from  "  a  lady"  and  "a  purson"  is 
primatoor. 

Howsevcr,  thars  a  report  in  town  of  a  cavalry  shindy  nearder 
hum,  witch  must  be  troo,  bekase  the  wownded  is  arrivin  at 
Alexandry,  witch  is  a  kinder  bulletin  that  speaks  for  itself.  It 
seems  that  the  rebel  Ginral  Stuart  meditated  a  rush  inter  Merry- 
land,  and  hed  musterd  his  collurnes  of  a  salt  in  the  neyborhood 
of  Cullpepper,  hopin  to  cross  the  Potomac  afore  we  could  ketch 
up  with  him.  It  was  a  spicy  projeck,  but  Hooker  put  his  finger 
in  the  dish  and  spylt  it.  Yestday,  Ginral  Plesenton  pitcht  inter 
Stuart  with  cavalry,  infantry,  and  artillery,  on  the  Rappernam- 
rnock,  sumwhars  near  Sulfur  Springs,  and  wun  of  the  wownded 

ses  we  gin  him ,  while  uthers  allow  he  gin  us  an  ekwilly 

warm  resepshin.  The  Constitooshinal  Adviser  at  the  head  oi 
the  War  Department  nose  all  about  it,  but  he  ses  nuthin,  and  as 
he  is  ushilly  reddy  enuif  to  shoot  with  a  long  bow  when  thars 
the  slitest  ground  to  go  upon,  menny  considders  his  silence 
aquiverlent  to  a  defeet.  I  hope  its  not  so  this  time,  tho  when  I 
axecl  him  for  the  latest  awethentick  inforinashin,  he  sirveyed  rne 
contempshusly  over  the  rims  of  his  spectickles,  and  sed  he  hed 
too  mutch  foursight  to  entrust  importent  facks  to  rnussenary 
skribblers.  Onwillin  to  take  offence  whar,  prehaps,  nun  was 
intended,  I  shuck  him  corjally  by  the  hand,  and  remarkin  in  a 
frenelly  way  that  he  was  a  "  bully  boy  with  a  glass  eye",  or,  e* 
he  preferd  the  frays,  "  a  big  thing  in  perryfocals",  I  started  for 
the  Navy  Department,  to  pump  the  truth  outer  Welles.  But 
accordin  to  that  distingwisht  marriner's  invariabul  custom,  he 
knew  nuthin.  He  heddent  even  heerd  that  the  Alabammer  hed 
taken  four  more  ships,  and  that  Captin  Seinmes  hed  rekwestecl 
the  skippers  to  giv  his  complements  to  the  Honabul  Rip  Van 
Winkel,  at  Washington.  Thinkin  to  please  and  flatter  the 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEEB.  295 

venabul  man  by  a  naughtical  illushin,  I  inkwired  cf  he  was 
fond  of  boxin  the  windlass  ;  to  witch  he  replide,  "  very  mutch 
so,"  and  that  when  a  boy  nuthin  sooted  him  better  than  to  put 
his  capstan-bar  inter  the  binnacle  and  help  to  heave  the  anker. 
As  I  was  levin,  he  told  me  confidenshally  that  he  eggspected  to 
diskivcr  the  longtitood  in  a  day  or  two.  I  persoom  he  rnent  the 
longtitood  of  the  Alabammer,  but  I  gcss  she's  hed  too  mutch 
latitood  gin  her  to  render  setch  an  explite  possabul. 

Senst  the  foregoin  parrygraft  was  endited,  I  hed  a  short  corn- 
ference  with  the  head  of  the  iiashin.  He  sed  he  hed  a  dispatch 
of  the  utmost  moment  from  Vicksburg,  witch  led  him  to  bleve 
that  sumthin  sirprisin  (lie  laid  an  emfasis  on  the  wurd  sirprisin) 
mought  happin  at  enny  minit ;  and  that  he  was  lookin  for  it 
from  hour  to  hour.  I  vcnterd  to  inteiTor^  o  him  as  to  the  com- 
pleckshin  of  the  noose  he  andizzypated,  upon  witch  he  gin  me  a 
playful  poke  in  the  rebs,  and  anserd  that  we  would  probly  "  lick 
the  enemee  as  ushil".  I  sed,  "  May  it  please  your  Eggsllency, 
thats  nuther  here  nor  thar ;  kant  you  be  more  definit  ?" 

"  Wots  the  kweeiy  ?"  he  responded. 

"  Is  the  Mollycoff  of  the  Mussysippy  doomed  ?"  I  asked. 

"  Thats  accordin  as  it  falls,"  he  replide. 

At  this  pint  he  shet  down  onto  me,  and  I  could  git  no  further 
satisfackshin  on  the  subjeck.  About  the  affair  atwixt  Plesenton 
and  Stuart  he  was  more  commoonicativ.  He  showed  me  sum 
dispatches  he  hed  jest  receved,  and,  on  readin  ein,  I  sed,  "  Its  a 
brilyant  victry  on  our  side  ef  these  ackounts  air  troo,  and  they 
may  be  air." 

"  May  be  air,"  he  sithed,  repeatin  my  wurds  like  an  eccho.  I 
dunno  as  he  ment  ennything,  tho  he  hes  ben  deseved  so  offen 
that  I  shouldent  wunder  ef  he  intended  it  as  a  joak — wun  of  his 
solem  'uus. 

But  Ime  oney  wastin  time,  and  forgettin  that  afore  this  meets 
the  publick  gays  the  Nell  of  Vicksburg  may  hev  ben  rung  and 
the  Rapperhammock  clard  of  the  inslent  fo.  So  be  it ;  for  ef 
we  dont  make  amens  for  lost  time  purty  sun,  evrybody'll  begin 
to  think  the  Union's  past  prayin  for. 

It  peers  from  the  tellagrains  and  cetery  from  Louseanna  and 
South  Caroliny  that  our  cullerd  brethrin  in  arms  is  makin  a 
purty  strong  fight  out  thar.  No  dout  they  go  inter  the  conflick 
with  thar  feelins  strung  up  to  the  hyst  pitch,  bein  well  awar  that 
ef  oapterd  they  will  swing  from  the  neardest  trees,  in  cunformity 
with  a  neckspress  order  to  that  effeck  Irom  Jeff  Davis.  But  ita 
nuthin  to  us  wot  promps  thar  deeds  of  curridge,  s'long  as  they 


296  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

go  in  like  bull-dogs.  Black  worriers  ansers  the  porpus  jest  as 
well  as  white  ;  in  fack,  thar  was  wunst  a  black  prence  of  Wales 
us  gin  the  French  and  Germans  a  most  onlorful  whalin.  So, 
honor  to  the  cullerd  brave !  Render  onto  Sezer  the  things  that 
air  Sezer's,  and  to  Pomp  the  things  witch  air  Pomp's. 

Airnestly  hopin  that  the  same  MERKART  as  contains  this  letter 
will  set  all  douts  about  Vicksbug  at  rest,  by  announcin  that  all 
its  re-douts  is  in  our  perseshin,  I  remane,  accordin  to  custom, 
Tours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  CV. 

[Reader,  if  you  don't  shake  your  sides  over  the  following  letter, 
it  will  be  because  the  organ  of  humor  has  been  omitted  in  your 
os  frontis.  A  larger  amount  of  quiet  fun— quiet,  but  provoca- 
tive, nevertheless,  of  risible  spasms — could  scarcely  be  con- 
densed into  the  same  compass.  The  prospect  of  a  row  always 
seems- to  put  the  Disbanded  on  his  mettle. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  June  18,  18G3. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary : 

We  air  prepariii  for  a  combat.  Ginral  Hindshellman  cum- 
mancls  the  milentary,  and  Ginral  Panic  the  civillains.  Ginral 
Abraham  Lincoln  commands  hisself  (witch  is  more'n  ken  be  sed 
of  evryboddy  here),  and  tharfore  oughter  cummand  univarsal 
sport  and  simperthy.  He  is  a  trump,  and  ekwill  to  the  crysis. 
So  am  I.  I  dont  think  Halleck  is.  Nor  Stanton.  Hooker  may 
or  he  may  not.  Time  will  tell.  What  time  I  cant  say ;  but 
probly  sum  time  atween  this  and  Saterday  night.  We  air  on 
the  eve  of  great  events,  and  shell  be  evry  evenin  ontil  further 
notis.  Our  defenses  in  frunt  is  bein  made  stronger  by  wurkin 
parties  of  corntrabans.  But  we  are  weak  in  the  rare,  and  thar, 
sum  thinks,  the  rebels  will  endevor  to  plug  us.  Nuthin  ken 
eggseed  the  eggsightment  of  our  kullerd  brethren.  You  ken 
see  it  in  the  whites  of  thar  eyes  and  thar  ginral  derneancr. 
Evry  contraban  is  wedded  to  the  Union  caws,  and  will  die  in 
the  last  ditch  ef  Washington  falls.  So  will  myself  and  Mr. 
Lincoln.  We  swore  it  in  his  sankturn  to-day,  with  our  hands 
on  his  adrnirabul  treaties  on  arbitary  arrests,  witch  hes  ben 
printed  in  paniflit  form  and  is  as  troo  as  Gospel.  Thar  is  a 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  297 

ditch  near  Bladensbnrg  that  will  jest  fit  us.  It  is  seven  foot  long 
by  eight  inches  acrost,  and  as  purty  a  bed  of  glory  as  ever  you 
seen.  Stanton  kant  cum  in — it  isent  wide  enuff.  In  this  emer- 
giiisea  the  President  feels  whoos  his  frend.  We  will  sink  or 
swim  together.  Ef  ennything  happens,  speak  of  us  as  we 
desarve.  Nuthin  exterminate  nor  0  set  down  in  mallis.  Say 
Orestus  sleeps  with  his  Pieladies ;  Demon  with  his  Pithyass. 
And  so  no  more !  These  is  my  last  instruckshins  ef  Washing- 
ton falls.  We  will  never  be  capterd  alive.  Ef  it  comes  to  that 
we  shall  fall  on  our  swoords.  I  hed  a  very  hansum  silver- 
handeld  wnn  presented  to  me  at  Harrassin  Landin,  with  a  neat 
speetch,  by  the  Duck  de  Chatters.  The  President  Will  use  it 
first,  on  ackount  of  pryority  of  rank,  and  I  shell  compleat  the 
sacrifiz.  But  Washington  wont  fall.  It  will  see  Ginral  Lee 
darned  first.  Ef  I  was  an  enshoorance  kumpany  Ide  enshoor  it 
for  sevral  per  cent,  onder  the  extree  hazardus  premium.  We 
aur  fortifyin  Rock  Crick,  and  air  about  to  cut  a  canawl  throo 
Gorgetown  Heights,  in  order  to  unite  it  with  the  Potomac  and 
bring  the  gunboats  round  inter  the  slashes.  Slygo  Crick  and 
the  Norwest,  two  streams  remarbal  for  catfish  and  lampree 
eels  (of  witch  Ginral  Longstreet  is  sed  to  be  be  very  fond),  is 
also  bein  put  in  a  good  state  of  defens,  and  the  broomsedge  on 
the  plantashins  in  Prence  Georges  bounty  io  to  be  lined  with 
sharpshooters.  The  Tiber  is  also  to  be  dug  out  to  the  dept  of 
thirty  fathums,  so  as  to  allow  ships  of  the  line  to  lie  at  anchor 
there  and  purteck  the  market.  Finerly  both  wings  of  the  capi- 
tol  is  to  be  pearst  for  flyin  artillery,  and  a  Dollgrin  fifteen-inch 
smooth-bore,  mounted  on  the  top  of  the  central  doom.  In  short, 
nuthin  will  be  left  undun  to  render  the  city  impregnant,  and  the 
women  will  all  be  sent  to  a  place  of  saifty  as  a  precawshin  agin 
the  wurst.  It  takes  considabul  time  to  tell  all  this,  but  it  will  be 
accomplish!  by  our  accomplisht  milentary  orthorities  in  less'n 
six  weeks. 

In  the  meantime  tellagraft  despatches  of  the  most  alarrnin 
carrickter  is  cummin  in  insessantly  from  all  pints  of  the  cuin- 
piss  at  wunst.  From  these  we  larn  that  Ginral  Lee  bein  detar- 
mined  to  go  the  hull  hog  in  the  way  of  invashin,  is  en  root  with 
a  hunderd  and  fifty  thousand  men  for  Philadelfy — also  that  he  is 
makin  forced  marches  for  Western  Virginny — futhermore,  that  he 
is  makin  for  Manasses  and  Bull  Ran.  He  peers  to  be  ubequitus, 
and  his  plan  is  sposed  to  be  to  pitch  inter  us  with  the  same 
troops  from  all  kwarters  at  the  same  moment.  He  is  a  wunder- 
full  man,  is  this  Lee — a  kinder  "  little  joker"  on  a  grand  skale, 
13* 


and  noboddy  ken  tell  cept  hisself  and  Bellsbub  onder  witch 
thimble  he  will  turn  up.  All  that  we  ken  say  with  sartainty  is 
that  he's  surnwhars,  and  that  ef  "  Fightin  Joe"  and  the  rest  of 
em  is  wuth  shucks  he'll  all-thunderin  sun  be  nowhars. 

The  present  warabouts  of  the  Nashins  Hope,  Ginral  Hooker, 
I  am  forbidden  to  disclose.  He  is  not  on  the  Rapperhammock, 
but  I  trust  I  vilate  no  confidens  in  sayin  that  he's  on  the  Alert. 
"We  larn  here  to-day  that  Ginral  George  B.  Maclellin  hes  left 
New  York  for  Albany,  witch  is  encurredgin.  When  Ginral  G. 
B.  M.  changes  his  base,  sumthins  shoor  to  happen.  It  did, 
you  know,  when  he  changed  his  base  from  the  White  House. 
Sum  thinks  he  eggspects  to  change  his  base  to  the  White  House 
wun  of  these  days.  Mebbe !  In  the  interim  he  is  waitin  on 
Providence.  Let  him  wait.  If  ever  thar  was  a  hero  as  knowed 
how  to  wait,  he  doos.  Whenever  he  was  ordered  to  advance  at 
dubbel-kwick,  he  allus  waited  for  the  waggins.  Wunst  he 
waited  three  weeks.  Ef  he  was  a  waiter  at  a  hottel,  thar 
wouldent  be  much  hurryin  up  the  cakes  at  that  shop,  I  gess. 

I  dont  pretend  to  know  all  the  secrets  of  Abrahams  buzzum ; 
but  I  will  say  this  for  our  grayshus  cheef — he  keeps  a  stiff  upper 
lip.  Not  a  har  in  his  whiskers  kwivers,  and  his  pulse  (I  made 
an  eggscuse  to  feel  it  yestday)  beats  precisely  sixty-eight  and  a 
hafe  in  a  rninit,  railrode  time.  His  brow  is  onruffled,  his  temper 
even.  Ef  he  hes  eniiy  new  rinkels  they  air  in  his  capayshus 
mind.  I  looked  him  strait  in  the  eye  this  mornin,  and  he  axed 
me,  in  his  ushil'  commick  way,  ef  I  obsarved  ennything  green 
thar.  I  dident.  On  the  contrary,  it  was  full  of  fire.  He  thinks 
a  good  deal  of  Stanton — bout  as  much  as  I  do.  Ditto  of  Hal- 
leek.  Welles  the  same.  He's  very  kind  to  me — Heaven  bless 
him.  He  ses  I  may  say  wot  I  like  of  him  and  his'n.  By  "  his'n" 
he  means^the  Constitooshinal  Advisers.  Ime  not  to  be  subjeck  to 
arbitary  arrests  nor  sent  to  Fort  Laugheryet,  nor  made  a  present 
to  Jeff  Davis,  nor  utherwised  snubbed  nor  disannulled.  I  carry 
a  mennyrandum  to  that  effeck  in  my  watch-pocket,  anuther  of 
similider  tenner  pasted  to  the  crown  of  my  hat,  and  a  third  oi 
a  like  nater  sowed  to  the  back  of  my  shirt,  all  signed  "  A.  L. 
Respect  this."  Consekently  I  am  pursenally  garanteed  "  free- 
dom of  speetch  and  of  the  Press".  Would  you  like  to  hev  a 
dockyment  or  two  of  the  same  carrickter?  Ef  you  would,  jest 
say  so,  and  lie  get  his  His  Eggsellency  to  scratch  em  oil'  and 
send  em  on.  They  air  useful  in  these  Villaindighaminering  times. 

All  that  Ive  told  you  in  this  letter  about  army  moovenients 
will,  of  coarse,  be  stale  news  by  the  time  it  reeches  you,  as  a 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  209 

great  battle  may  hev  ben  fit  afore  then.  It  is  important  to  know 
"the  situashin"  prevus  to  the  impendin  shindy.  As  to  "our 
situashin"  arter  it,  enny  thick-hedded  tellagraft  operator  ken 
tell  you  that. 

Firm  hi  hart,  and  devoted  to  Honest  Abraham,  Our  Common 
If  entry  and  the  SUNDAY  MERKARY,  I  remain,  ondismayed, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEEE. 


No.  CVI. 

[The  following  letter  appears  to  us  to  lack  in  some  degree  tho 
perspicuity  and  precision  which  usually  characterize  the  com- 
munications of  the  Disbanded ;  but  it  must  be  remembered  that 
it  was  penned  in  the  midst  of  a  chaos  of  reports,  and  rumors, 
and  surmises,  well  calculated  to  reduce  the  strongest  mind  to  a 
state  of  hopeless  imbecility.  It  will  be  seen  that  our  corre- 
spondent is  prevented,  by  a  commendable  regard  for  his  word 
and  for  his  country's  cause,  from  telling  all  he  knows.  In  this 
respect  he  differs  from  most  Washington  letter-writers,  who 
make  it  a  rule  to  tell  more  than  they  know,  and  whose  sins  of 
commission,  omission,  and  addition,  accumulate  without  inter- 
mission. Where  they  expect  to  go  to  when  they  die,  it  is  not  for 
us  to  say. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  June  24, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  MerJcary : 

Lee  and  Ewill  hes  ben  spotted  at  last;  but  they  may  hev 
changed  thar  spots  afore  this  reeches  you,  for  they  cumbine  the 
eelasstisity  of  the  flee  with  the  suttelty  of  the  sarpint.  At 
present  they  air  in  the  Shunadoor  Valley  smokin  thar  pipes  in 
cumparative  kwiet.  They  thretten  to  make  Washington  smoke 
shortly,  but  a  relieble  contraban  who  hes  jest  cum  in  from  Fort 
Tobacco  ses  this  is  a  meer  sham.  Hill  is  also  in  the  Valley,  and 
sed  to  be  very  much  deprest.  Lee  on  the  other  hand  is  reported 
jolly,  and  boasts  that  he  lies  got  the  wether  gage  of  Hooker. 
Time  will  toll  wether  he  hes  or  no. 

Our  cavilry  is  doin  things  up  brown.  The  rebel  dragons  air 
evrywhar  tiyiu  afore  em,  and  Stuart's  posishin  will  sun  be  far 
from  a  plesant  ;un.  Buford  hes  gin  the  rebels  at  Snigger's  Gap 
caws  for  sorrer,  Grigg  hes  druv  the  mane  body  of  thar  hoss  mer- 


300  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

rily  afore  him  more'n  ten  milcls,  and  anuthcr  strong  detachment 
of  Secesh  cavilry  hes  ben  out-rnanoverd  in  a  forridgin  eggspe- 
dishin,  by  a  rnoovement  of  Stall's.  Ef  our  men  was  oney  as 
well  mounted  as  the  enemee,  they  could  ride  over  em  ruff-shod  ; 
but  one-hafe  of  the  bosses  furnisht  by  the  Guverrnent  corn- 
tractors  look  as  ef  they  bed  jest  cum  outer  veteranarius  hors- 
pitals,  and  is  as  weak  in  the  knees  as  a  peace-preachin  Unionist. 

Hafe  an  hour  hes  elapst  senst  I  writ  the  abuv,  and  the  tella- 
graft  hes  developt  a  new  fetor  in  the  enemees  plans,  witch 
entirely  changes  the  face  of  affares.  Ginral  Skunk  announces 
that  insted  of  Ginral  Ewill  bein  in  the  Shunadoor  Valley,  he  hes 
crost  the  Potomac  at  the  heel  of  forty  thousand  men,  and  "  gob- 
bled "  our  forces  in  the  neybrood  of  Auntyeatern.  Thars  a  slite 
oder  of  eggsagerashin  about  Skunk's  report,  but  it  may  be  troo. 
Wot  givs  it  an  air  of  orthentissity,  is  the  deshartnin  statement 
that  the  enemee  is  hard  at  work  bildin  bridges  over  the  canawl. 
This  seems  so  nateral  that  everyboddy  here  is  inklined  to 
credit  the  story.  We  all  know  that  nuthin  forms  setch  an  em- 
pediment  to  the  proggress  of  an  army  as  a  canawl.  Ef  it  hed 
ben  a  river  now,  like  the  Potomac,  it  would  hev  ben  diffrent ; 
but  a  canawl  is  always  locked,  and  it  is  probabul  that  our  sojers, 
when  they  saw  the  horsteal  fo  approachin,  immediently  hid  away 
the  key  to  the  persishin.  It  was  a  thortful  act  of  theirn,  and 
cackelated  to  do  good,  as  Sinsinnatus  remarkt  when  he  was  told 
that  a  passel  of  geese  hed  yawped  till  they  alarmed  the  Capital. 
The  ragin  abiss  will  be  crost  I  spose  afore  this  reeches  you,  and 
ef  so  I  tremble  for  Penusylvany  and  Xew  Jarsey.  Men  capabul 
of  bridgin  a  canawl  wont  hesitate,  I  reckon,  to  wade  the  Susque- 
hannah  and  Delawar. 

But  it's  useless  to  speckilate  when  new  convickshins  flash  on 
the  bewilderd  mind  evry  moment.  The  wires  is  eenamost  red 
hot  with  contradickshins,  and  whether  the  rebel  army  is  in  the 
State  of  Pennsilvany  or  not,  it  is  kwite  sartain  that  evrybody 
here  is  in  a  state  of  muddle.  Howscver,  things  will  clar  up 
mebbe,  by  the  eend  of  the  week,  and  prehaps  wot  is  confushin 
wus  confounded  now,  may  be  made  perspickuous  to  the  meanest 
intelleck  in  the  next  SUNDAY  MERKARY. 

Hooker  was  here  on  Tuesday,  and  hed  a  long  privit  conversa- 
shin  with  the  President.  By  the  kind  permishin  of  the  Father 
of  his  Kentry — who  will  please  accept  my  thanks  for  the  favor, 
throo  your  widely  serkilated  collurnes — I  sot  behind  a  skreen  in 
the  sanktum  and  took  notes.  I  send  you  the  dialog  jest  as  it 
occurd,  'cept  whar  his  Eggsellency  droo  his  pen  throo  a  passidge 


A    DISBANDED    VOLTJNTEEB.  301 

or  two  that  he  thort  calkclated  to  giv  aid  and  cumfort  to  the 
Copperheds  and  Jeffites. 

A.  L. — Well,  Hooker,  how's  the  Army  of  the  Potomac? 
They've  hed  a  long  march.  How's  thar  poor  feet  ?" 

J.  H. — Blistered  sum ;  and  a  few  is  sufl'erin  from  coop  de  solc- 
lieaL 

A.  L.  (kindly).— That's  bad.  Shell  I  tell  Stanton  to  send  on  a 
few  thousand  gross  of  silk  umbrellers  ? 

J.  H. — No,  thank  you.  We  may  be  hot-headed,  but  we  don't 
reckwire  parrysoles. 

A.  L. — No  offence,  my  brave  friend.  Hevin  the  welfare  of 
the  army  at  hart,  its  oney  nateral,  you  know,  that  I  should  wish 
it  to  keep  shady. 

J.  H. — Keep  shady !  We've  ben  keepin  shady  too  long.  We 
want  to  go  right  out  inter  the  open,  and  pitch  inter  th9  enemee 
wharevcr  we  ken  find  em. 

A.  L. — Bat  Washington  must  be  defended,  Hooker.  Stanton 
ses  so,  and  Halleck,  and  likewise  Welles.  How  menny  live  meu 
hev  you,  all  tolled  ? 

J.  H. thousand  infantry, thousand  cavalry,  and 

batteries. 

A.  L. — My  Constitooshinal  Advisers  allows  we  want  em  all, 
and  more  too,  to  defend  Washington  agon  the  ruthless  invaders. 

J. — Doos  your  Eggscllency  spose  you  ken  "  ockapy  and  pos- 
sess "  the  rebel  strongholts,  and  carry  out  the  Mancipayshin  Act, 
by  fenclin  off  insted  of  goin  in. 

A.  L. — No,  you  thurrow-goin  old  fire-eater,  I  don't,  and  I  con- 
fess line  in  favor  of  vigrus  meshurs  myself,  but  Stauton  and 
Halleck. 

J.  H. — Sir,  you  air  Commander-in-Chief.  You  ken  cut  the 
tether  that  keeps  the  finest  army  on  the  planet  flutterin  around 
the  capital  like  a  hen  tied  to  a  chicken-coop.  Jest  you  pass  the 
word  to  foller  up  the  fo,  and  we'll  giv  Lee  sumthin  else  to  think 
of  besides  threttenin  Bawltoinore  and  Washington. 

A.  L. — You're  right — I  feel  you're  right. 

D.  V.  (peepin  over  the  skreen  in  oncontrollabul  emoshin). — He 
is,  Abraham!  He  is!  Foller  the  instinks  of  your  own  lofty 
intelleck,  and  let  the  Constitooshinal  Advisers  go — whar  glory 
awaits  em. 

A.  L.  (with  mayjestick  gravity). — Major-Ginral  Hooker,  receive 
from  me  your  instruckshins.  You  will  start  immediently  for  the 
Head  Kwarters  of  the  Army  of  the  Potomac,  and  on  arrivin 
thar  you  will,  et  cetery,  et  cetery,  et  cetery,  et  cetery. 


302  WAR    LETTERS     OP 

[The  foregoin  et  ceteries  represents  milentary  direckshins  of 
the  hyst  importance,  skratched  out  by  the  President  for  resins  of 
state.  Thar  tenner  will  be  obvius  to  all  mankind  atween  this 
and  the  Fourth.  In  the  meantime,  public  opinyun  is  reckwested 
to  suspend  itself.] 

J.  H.  (foldin  up  the  instruckshins  and  puttin  em  in  his  hat). 
— Thanks,  Mr.  President — thanks.  Depend  upon  old  Joe 
Hooker. 

A.  L.  (dryly). — Sum  of  my  frends  ses  Ime  a  good  deal  given  to 
dependin  on  Old  Joes,  Ginral  (a  larf  from  behind  the  skreen), 
and  that  puts  me  in  mind  of  a  story  about  Jo  King  of  Springfield. 
You  see — 

J.  H. — Eggscuse  me,  Mr.  President.  Ide  be  delighted  to  hear 
the  little  narrytiv,  but  you  know  my  motto — Bizness  afore 
pleshure.  Adoo !  Adoo ! 

And  so  the  intervew  eended. 

Let  the  public  keep  its  eyes  skinned.  Within  ten  days  thar'll 
be  the  most  tremenjus — but  no,  my  lips  is  sealed,  and  I  ken 
oney  say,  look  out  for  hard  whacks  shortly.  Hopin  that 
Hooker'll  giv  the  rebel  airthquakes,  and  confidently  awaitin  the 
concussion,  I  remain,  for  self  and  Abraham, 
Yours,  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER 


No.  OVIL 

[We  feel  that  we  are  only  putting  into  words  the  heartfelt  prayer 
of  every  reader  of  the  SUNDAY  MERCURY,  when  we  say,  solemnly 
and  sincerely,  "  May  our  friend,  the  Disbanded,  return  in  safety 
from  the  expedition  to  which  he  refers  in  the  following  letter. 
Amen !  and  Amen !"  If,  however,  the  Fates  should  order  it  other- 
wise, it  will  afford  us  great  satisfaction  to  comply  with  his  wishes 
in  regard  to  post  mortem  matters. — EDS.] 

WASHINGTON,  Tuesday  Noon,  June  30, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  MerUary : 

1  rite  airly  this  week,  bekase  I  am  goin  out  on  a  reckanuisance 
(desguysed  as  a  rebel  to  that  degree  that  my  own  hoss  wont 
no  me),  and  shell  not  be  back  from  the  frunt  for  sum  days.  My 
misshin  is  strickly  privit,  and,  by  rekwest  of  the  President,  I 
oinit  to  state  whar  Ime  bound,  as  he  thinks  it  mought  cumprom- 


A    DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  803 

mis  the  saifty  of  his  dearest  and  brayvest  frend.  I  may  state, 
howsever,  without  vialatin  instruckshins,  that,  in  the  wurds  of 
Duglas  in  the  play,  it  is  my  objeck  to  "  huvver  about  the  ene- 
mee".  Ef  tuck  up  as  a  spy,  I  shell  probly  be  hung ;  ef  not,  I 
hop  to  elevate  myself  in  the  estimashin  of  my  kentrymen.  I 
shell  start  in  wun  hour  from  the  abuv  date,  and  ef  suckcessful, 
will  send  you  the  minnits  "of  my  eggspedishin  as  sun  as  I  return. 
I  am  allreddy  a  raid  in  desguys,  and  will  giv  you  sum  idee  of 
my  secesh  rig,  witch  I  prechest  seckind-handed  of  a  poor  white 
trash  that  was  brort  in  prisner  this  mornin.  A  more  seckind- 
handed  soot  hes  seldum  ben  seen  in  civileyesd  sosity.  It  con- 
sests  of  a  butter-nut  coat  cut  down  to  a  jacket  by  the  thorn-bushes 
in  the  slashes,  and  a  pair  of  breaches  to  match  ;  the  hull  bein 
satterated  with  all  the  juce  that  the  oner  hed  in  him  when  he 
listed  in  the  rebel  sarvis.  Also  a  slap-jack  hat,  witch  hes  the 
aperience — and  the  aroamer  currysponds — of  hevin  ben  soked 
in  castor-ile  for  a  cupple  of  years  or  so.  Likewise  a  pair  of  ven- 
tilatin  boots,  the  soles  of  witch  is  tide  to  the  uppers  with  rope- 
yam  legaments  at  the  toes,  and  in  setch  a  wownded  condishin 
at  the  opposit  eends  as  to  be  past  healin.  In  this  elegant  cos- 
toom,  with  my  pistils  stuck  in  a  belt,  considder  myself  "  the 
yaller  flower  of  the  forrest."  My  idee  is  to  be  mistuck  for  a  se- 
cesh gorilla,  on  his  way  to  Pennsylvany  to  plunder  the  Nuthern 
slop  shops.  It  seems  to  me  that  in  setch  duds  as  these  the  rebel 
offsirs  will  never  mistrust  that  line  not  wun  of  thar  own  vermin. 
The  oridginal  oner  of  the  wardrub  is  a  well  nit  man,  about  my 
own  bild.  He  hails  from  Louseanna,  and  I  shell  try  to  imitate 
his  dirty  and  sluveuly  asspeck,  and  ef  kwestined,  shell  swar  that 
I  was  born_and  brort  up  in  that  state.  I  dessay  you  will  think 
it  rayther  a  pokerish  bizness  Ime  goin  on,  but  Ive  saved  my  har 
in  menny  a  wuss  skrape.  Ef  Washington,  Bawltomore,  and 
Philadelphy  falls  inter  the  hands  of  the  Cornfedrits  while  Ime 
on  the  skout,  I  intend  to  make  my  way  to  New  York  by  way  of 
Vicksburg.  By  that  time  the  Mollycoff  of  the  Mussysippi  will 
be  ourn,  and  I  ken  bring  Grant  and  his  army  along,  so  as  to  take 
Lee  on  his  west  flank,  and  turn  the  tide  of  victry  in  faver  of  the 
Army  of  the  Potomac,  and  the  lively,  enterprisin,  prompt,  and 
paytryotic  citysins  of  the  Keystone  State. 

The  President,  tho  sumwot  cast  down,  is  in  faver  of  a  firm 
stand  at  the  Seat  of  Guvernient.  The  Slashes  is  to  be  fortyfide, 
and  the  cavalry  stashind  as  look-outs  on  Georgetown  Heights  ; 
men  on  hossback  bein  abel  to  see  further  than  a-foot,  and  high 
pints  of  land  bein  particklerly  faverabul  lor  the  moovements  of 


304  WAR     LETTERS     OF 

redgements  of  boss.  (See  "  Camppains  of  the  Duck  of  Marlbur- 
row",  and  uther  wurks.)  Sharpshooters  with  Minie  rifuls  are  to 
be  posted  in  the  poplars  of  Pennsylvany  avenoo,  in  the  manner 
reckommencled  by  Joe  Minie  and  uther  poplar  milentary  riters. 
Stanton  will  take  charge  of  these  matters,  assisted  by  Halleck. 
Nether  of  em  is  as  mutch  skairt  as  they  mought  be.  Welles  lies 
ben  rekwirecl  by  the  President  to  furnish  a  force  from  the  Navy 
Department,  and  lies  sent  a  inessidge  to  the  Mareens.  The 
Father  of  his  Kentry  is  attendin  to  the  deepenin  of  Tiber  Crick, 
so  as  to  bring  up  the  gunboat  flowtiller,  but  he  ses  the  mud  is  so 
thick  that  it  is  difficult  to  run  the  masheen.  The  canawl  throo 
the  Heights,  witch  I  spoke  of  in  my  last,  is  not  yet  cumpleated, 
but  as  sun  as  it  is  the  cavalry  in  that  rejin  will  be  re-enforst  with 
friggits  and  ships-of-the-line.  Stanton  calls  for  volunteers,  and 
Chase  is  on  hand  with  the  sinners  of  war.  Seward  doosent  say 
mutch,  but  is  presoomed  to  be  prepard  for  the  onrepressabul  con- 
flick,  and  Blare  is  reddy  to  cum  forth  when  the  trumpit  sounds. 
In  short,  all  the  Constitooshinal  Advisers  is  in  a  state  of  egg- 
sightment,  witch,  if  not  sublime,  is  within  a  step  of  it. 

The  Adamantine  Abraham  is  as  cool  and  capabul  as  ever  I 
seen  him.  No  catastrofy  ken  shake  him  enny  rnore'n  you  could 
shake  Mount  Airyrat.  He  feels  a  little  ankshus  about  New  York 
tho,  and  thinks  it  mought  be  well  to  hev  a  Monitor  or  two  in 
Spitendevil  Crick. 

"  D.  V.,"  ses  he  to  me  this  mornin,  "  the  Commershil  Empo- 
rium must  be  defended  to  the  last  gasp." 

Ses  I,  "  Troo,  your  Eggsellency ;  and  when  the  New  Yorkers 
see  it  must,  they  will  hninediently  muster." 

He  was  satisfide.  But  he  is  onesy,  tho  he  desdains  to  sho  it, 
about  Philadelphy.  I  told  him  New  York  would  rush  to  the 
reskew  of  her  sister  city  when  the  crysis  came.  He  replide  that 
he  sposed  so,  and  added,  with  his  customery  beamin  smild, 
that  it  was  differcult  for  a  city  to  stand  firm  when  thar  was  so 
menny  Quakers  in  it. 

The  modern  Patter  Pottery  and  myself  both  thinks  that  the 
fate  of  the  kentry  will  be  setteld  within  three  weeks  or  a  munth 
at  furdest. 

It  that  time  it  will  ether  be  up  with  us  or  down  with  the  rebels. 
Ef  the  men  of  the  North  air  men,  and  ef  the  Army  of  the  Poto- 
mac, or  rayther  its  offsirs,  is  wurth  shucks,  Lee  and  his  murmur- 
duns  is  gonners.  His  invashin  is  the  act  of  a  madman,  and 
onless  our  Ginrals  is  downright  idyots,  his  doom  is  sealt. 

But  it  is  now  wun  o'clock,  post  meriden,  and  I  must  mount 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  805 

and  away.  Ef  I  am  sezed  and  eggsecuted  as  a  spy,  send  for  my 
boddy — it  ken  be  of  no  use  to  ennyboddy  in  Jeffland — and  berry 
me  desently  in  sum  kwict  spot  oninfested  by  Copperhecls.  Dont 
inter  me,  liowsever,  in  these  butternut  rags  ;  for  I  should  prefer 
to  hev  a  desent  coat  put  on  me  afore  my  Hie,  Jacket  is  ritten. 
Lay  my  swoord  by  my  side,  ef  the  rebs  dont  steel  it,  and  put  a 
slab  over  it,  with  a  neat  inscripshin.  I  dont  want  enny  flurrish 
about  the  monnyment — a  plain  stun,  not  a  stunner. 

I  oney  menshin  these  things  in  case  of  the  wurst.  "When  a 
man  dies,  setch  little  attenshins  is  agreeabul.  But  I  persoom 
thars  no  pertickler  danger. 

Wishin  you  a  merry  Forth  of  July,  and  myself  and  kentry 
menny  happy  returns  of  the  day,  I  remane,  as  ushil, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 

POSTSKRIP. — I  menshint  in  the  boddy  of  my  letter  that  I  wisht 
a  neat  inskripshin  on  my  supplecur,  ef  suckemstances  over 
witch  I  hev  no  control  should  hasten  my  latter  eend.  Ef  you 
approove,  I  would  like  the  epitaff  to  read  as  fellers : 

Here  lies  the  Disbanded  Volunteer ; 
Died  for  his  kentry  in  the  year 
Eighteen  huuderd  and  sixty-three — 
A  man  of  the  swoord  and  pen  was  he. 
Tho  moddest,  polisht,  well-lamt,  and  brave, 
He  was  took  by  the  rebels,  and  hed  to  cave. 


No.  CVIH. 

[After  rendering  unknown  services  to  the  country,  and  escap- 
ing unheard-of  perils  during  his  late  expedition,  our  patriotic 
correspondent  has  returned  to  Washington,  and  is  once  more 
giving  aid  and  comfort  to  Mr.  Lincoln  by  his  advice  and  coun- 
sel. The  Cabinet,  it  seems,  were  anything  but  pleased  at  his> 
reappearance.  His  confidential  relations  with  the  President 
have  rendered  him  particularly  obnoxious  to  the  heads  of  the 
War  and  Navy  Departments. — EDS.] 

NATSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  July  9, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  HerTcary : 

When  I  rit  last,  on  the  thirtet  ult.,  I  was  bound  on  a  mishin, 
the  ultunit  result  of  witch  was  onsartain.  I  was  about  to  resk 


SOS  WAR    LETTERS     OP 

my  neck  on  a  neckscurshin  of  a  neckstree  hazardus  nater.  It 
will  giv  you  pleshur  to  larn  that  it  was  a  cumpleat  suckcess.  I 
past  throo  the  rebel  lines,  got  all  the  noose  I  wanted,  and,  in 
fack,  hed  my  full  swing  amung  em  without  bein  hauled  up,  or 
even  suspishend.  My  dirty  ragged  soot,  and  a  peace  of  an  old 
wig,  daubed  with  red  oker,  witch  I  pertended  to  hev  scalpt  off  a 
mudsill's  coconut,  inspired  confidens,  and  I  was  evrywhars 
wellcombed  by  the  rebs  as  a  frend  and  cumraid.  As  I  purfest  to 
hev  privit  and  speshil  informashin  as  to  the  moovements  of  the 
Army  of  the  Potomac,  I  was  took  afore  Ginral  Lee,  and  hed  the 
pleshur  of  leadin  him  off  on  the  false  cent  witch  subsekwently 
enabled  Ginral  Meade  to  put  him  throo  the  mill.  The  same 
night  I  made  my  eskape  to  Ginral  Meade's  hed-kwarters,  and 
posted  him  up  as  to  the  persishin  of  the  enemee ;  arter  witch  I 
started  for  Washington,  by  way  of  Philadelphy,  and  arrove  here 
sirnultanus  with  the  intelligens  that  Lee  was  demoralised  and 
Pemberton  demolisht.  Immediently  on  my  arrival  I  shed  my 
Secesh  habillyments,  made  my  ablueshins,  put  on  a  clean  shirt, 
and  reported  at  the  White  House.  The  President  receved  me 
with  mutch  feline.  When  I  enterd  the  sanktuin,  he  opend  his 
arms,  and  the  next  moment  I  was  in  Abraham's  buzzum.  "  All- 
beat  unused  to  the  meltin  mood",  as  the  More  of  Venus  ses,  I 
thort  I  should  hev  catterpillerd.  Ime  conshus  that  we  both 
behaved  like  loonaticks,  but  thar  air  moments  when  the  ernoshins 
of  the  human  sole  sets  eteket  at  defiance.  In  the  midst  of  the 
tutchin  seen,  a  messindger  tapt  at  the  door  to  say  that  the  Cab- 
net  was  waitin  for  Abraham  in  the  East  Room. 

"  Tell  the  Cabnet  they  may  go  to — work,  and  He  be  thar  pres- 
ently," sed  he,  modifyin  his  first  idee  as  he  finisht  the  sentence. 
Then  turnin  to  me,  he  added,  with  a  grayshus  srnild  : 

"  A  frend  reckognised  by  the  hart  takes  preseedence  of  advis- 
ers appintecl  onder  the  ConstitooshSn." 

"  Yes,"  ses  I,  "  solid  meat  first,  and  then  bring  in  the  flum- 
mery." 

We  then  sot  down  for  a  few  minitsto  enjye  a  feast  of  resin, 
and,  to  mysten  it,  he  brort  out  the  Mungoheeler  and  a  gobblet,  for 
my  accommydashin.  I  say  for  my  accommydashin,  bckase  the 
President,  bein  strick  temprance,  drinkt  to  me  oney  with  his  eyes. 

"  How's  the  Potomac?"  ses  I,  porin  out  a  dram. 

"  Brim-full,  and  runnin  over,"  he  replide. 

"  Let  her  run !"  1  eggsclamed,  takin  a  long  swaller ;  "  the 
harder  she  runs,  the  longer  Lee  '11  hev  to  stop  on  tuther  side. 
Here's  to  the  freshit,"  ses  I,  imbibin  agin. 


A    DISBANDED    VOLUNTEER.  307 

"  Ditto,"  replide  his  eggsellency,  larfin,  "  and  may  thar  be  no 
a-bridge-ment  of  the  current  for  the  next  forty-eight  hours." 

"  Is  thar  nary  ford  that  '11  afford  him  a  chanst  to  cross  ?"  I 
. axed. 

"  Nary — not  ef  evry  traytor  was  as  tall  as  I  am,"  he  responded, 
stretchin  his  lofty  figger  to  its  full  altitood. 

"  Ef  thats  the  case,"  ses  I,  "  they  '11  be  gobbled,  and  we  shant 
need  anuther  draft.  Here's  may  we  git  along  without  wun !"  I 
added,  wunst  more  wettin  my  wissel. 

"  Amen !"  cried  the  Father  of  his  Kentry.  "  Ef  the  Suthern- 
ers  will  oney  lay  down  thar  arms  and  smoak  the  pipe  of  peace, 
we  '11  light  it  with  the  Cornskripshin  act,  berry  the  hatchit,  and 
giv  all  the  provost-marshals  births  in  the  custom-house." 

At  this  junkter  thar  was  anuther  nock  at  the  sanktum  door, 
and  the  messiudger  aunounst  that  the  Constitooshinal  Advisers 
was  gittin  the  fidgits. 

"  Bind  my  wedge  !"  sed  the  President,  "  Ide  forgot  all  about 
em.  Hedn't  you,  D.  V.  ?  Split  my  mall !  Wot  do  they  want  ?" 

The  page  as  brort  the  messidge  sed  he  onderstood  the  honabul 
gentlemen  wisht  to  hold  a  consultashin  with  his  Eggsellency  the 
President  on  the  affairs  of  the  nayshin. 

"I'd  a  nayshin  rayther  they'd  let  me  pole  the  boat  alone," 
remarkt  the  illustrus  cheef.  "  Howsever  we  air  born  to  trubble, 
as  the  sparks  fly  uppards,  so  tell  em  to  curn  in  and  fire  away." 

In  a  few  minnits  arterwards  they  enterd  the  sanktum  in  single 
file — Seward  the  Sentenshus  at  the  head  of  the  percesshin,  and 
Welles  the  Witless  at  the  tail  eend.  They  mooved  with  mesh- 
erd  steps,  as  ef  marchin  to  the  music  of  the  Union,  and  thar 
toot  in  shamble  was  imposin.  A  Cabnet,  takin  it  by  and  large, 
is  an  imposin  specktickle,  and  this  pqliarly  so,  and  allus  hes 
ben.  The  Honabul  Seckatry  of  State,  as  your  readers  are  awar, 
is  a  small  man ;  but  like  most  diininutiv  individyals  is  fond  of 
makin  hisself  conspickuous  and  bein  cock  of  the  walk,  and  hens 
he  led  the  van.  Welles  at  the  opposit  eend,  looked  remarkably 
picteresk,  with  a  baird  like  a  mounting  goat  and  a  crest  like  a 
cockytoo.  Halleck  had  the  aperience  of  a  gentman  as  felt  his 
oats  tryin  to  look  mocldest  onder  the  pressher  of  grate  victories, 
and  Seckatry  Stanton,  the  wether  bein  warm  and  muggy,  looked 
like  bellygerent  Mars  in  a  perfuse  prespirashin.  The  Seckatry 
ot  the  Interior  was  cool  and  kwiet,  and  Chase,  as  ushil,  cam, 
dignified,  and  self-possesst.  Blare  wouldn't  be  took  by  common 
white  folks  for  a  Cabnet  Minister;  but  sum  of  our  men  of  letters 
consider  him.  well  fitted  for  the  post.  I  spose  you  no  he's  the 


808  WAR    LETTERS     OF 

ortliur  of  a  work  called  Blare's  Retoric,  of  witch  he  gives  illus- 
trashins  ockashinally  at  Auuty-Slavery  meetins.  But  why  should 
I  dwell  on  the  asspecks  and  carrickters  of  these  distingwisht 
men.  Thar  fotagrufi's  air  in  evry  winder,  and  thar  prented 
dockinents  and  speetches  are  the  best  evidences  of  thar  say- 
gasity. 

As  this  enlitened  boddy  filed  in,  they  (with  the  eggsepshin  of 
the  Treshury  and  the  Interior)  regairded  ine  with  a  witherin 
skowl  of  hatred  and  contemp.  Bat  it  dident  wither  me.  Taint 
my  natur  to  wilt  onder  the  human  eye.  I  stilfent  up  my  optickle 
narves,  and  gin  em  as  good  as  they  sent,  e£  not  more  so.  But 
I  seen  they  wanted  me  outer  the  way,  so  I  shuck  hands  with  the 
President  and  left.  What  happent  at  the  intervew  I  dont  know, 
as  I  hev  not  seen  the  Nayshm's  Hope  senst ;  but  I  persoom  they 
bullyragged  him  considabul. 

The  city  is  full  of  sensashin  rummers  to-day.  Sum  ses  that 
with  the  onpassabul  Potomac  River  on  one  side,  and  the  invin- 
cibul  Potomac  Army  on  the  uther,  Lee  will  not  resk  anuther 
battle,  but  like  a  prudent  man,  give  in  and  cry  pigavi.  I  don't 
think  so  ;  but  as  all  speckelashin  on  the  subjeck  will  be  at  an 
eend  afore  this  letter  is  prented,  I  shant  go  inter  the  whys  and 
warfores  of  the  matter.  In  the  meantime,  confidently  awaitin 
the  final  victory,  I  remain,  plassidly, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.   CIX. 

[The  solicitude  of  our  indefatigable  correspondent  for  the 
peace  and  quiet  of  New  York  appears  to  have  monopolized  his 
entire  attention ;  but,  like  a  good  many  other  equally  distin- 
guished people  at  Washington,  he  does  not  appear  to  realize  the 
true  state  of  the  case.  The  resistance  to  conscription  in  this  city 
did  not  originate  through  sympathy  with  the  Southern  Rebel- 
lion, but  because  of  the  exercise  of  a  despotic  power  to 
which  our  people  were  unused.  If  D.  V.  will  convince  his  dis- 
tinguished friend,  Abraham  L.,  that  conscription  at  the  present 
time  is  injudicious,  unwise,  and  unnecessary,  as  it  is,  he  will  b«, 
doing  the  country  as  much  service  as  did  Gen.  Grant  in  the  cap- 
ture of  Vicksburg. — EDS.] 


A     DISBANDED     VOLUNTEER.  809 

NAYSHINAIJ  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  July  15, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Suimkiy  Merlcary : 

Hes  New  York  sold  itself  to  the  Devil,  and  lies  pay-day  cum 
round,  or  wot  ?  Spose  the  cornskripshin  Lor  was  obnockshus, 
is  that  enny  resin  for  seens  that  would  disgrace  the  See37ou 
Injuns.  The  Cornskripshin  Act  is  no  faverite  of  mine,  as  you 
and  the  readers  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  is  well  awar,  but 
is  encinderism.  robbery,  and  uther  crimes  that  cannybuls 
would  be  ashamed  of,  a  mannyfestashin  of  hosstility  to  the 
Draft  Lor.  No,  they  air  the  acts  of  atroshus  misscreants, 
opposed  to  all  lors  of  God  and  man,  and  the  oney  way  to  meet 
em  is  with  grape  and  canister,  riful  balls  and  bagnets.  I  hevent 
a  shadder  of  a  dout  that  afore  this  letter  is  put  in  prent,  the  mob 
in  New  York  will  hev  reseved  setch  a  lessin  as  will  be  a 
warnin  to  all  rioters  for  fifty  years  to  cum.  The  ring-lead- 
ers, I  persoom,  will  be  diskivered,  and  ef  they  air,  I  trust  they 
will  get  thar  desarts. 

It  is  the  ginral  opinyun  here  that  the  row  was  got  up  in  the 
hope  of  helpin  the  South  by  a  divershin  in  its  faver  at  the  very 
moment  when  the  Union  armies  was  evrywar  victoryus.  It  lies 
ben  known  for  sum  time  by  the  Fedral  orthorities  that  thar  was 
a  sekrit  conspurracy  agen  the  Guverment  in  New  York.  It 
was  also  known  that  rebel  emiseries  was  at  work  thar,  and  that 
ef  Vicksburg  was  took,  and  Lee  was  whipt,  thar  was  to  be  a 
traiter  outbrake  in  the  North.  This  was  Jeff  Davises  forlorn 
hope — the  last  kcard  of  the  rebellyun.  Well  Vicksburg  is  ourn, 
Port  Hudson  is  ourn,  Lee  is  licked;  Bragg  is  floored,  Jo  Johns- 
ton is  flyin  from  the  rath  to  cum,  Price  is  discomforted,  Charles- 
tun  is  as  good  as  gon,  Mobile  is  spoken  for,  and  the  last  keard  of 
Treason  is  played  in  New  York.  But  the  dern  yer  resort  will 
fail.  In  spite  of  the  simperthisers  the  rebellyun  is  a  goner. 
Nearly  two-thirds  of  Jeffdom  is  conkerd,  and  the  rest  is  cavin 
in.  This  infarnal  riot  may  giv  the  rebel  leaders  a  little  encur- 
ridgement,  but  it  wont  be  of  enny  substanshil  bennyfit.  Let  the 
cornskripshin  be  gin  up.  We  don't  need  it.  We  ken  finish  up 
the  biziness  with  the  forces  we  hev  now  in  the  field,  and  free- 
will recrutes.  Four  hunderd  and  fifty  peaces  of  artillery  and  a 
hunderd  and  fifty  thousand  stands  of  small  arms  hev  fallen  into 
our  hands  within  the  last  twenty  days,  and  about  one  hunderd 
thousand  rebel  sojers  hes  ben  put  horse  de  combat.  Our  land 
forces  outnumbers  theirn,  full  two  to  wun,  to  say  nuthin  of  the 
Navy.  1  say  we've  got  em.  Salt  won't  save  em.  The  last 
ditch  is  closte  at  hand,  and  they  won't  die  in  it,  depend  on  that. 


310  WAB    LETTERS    OF 

Didn't  Pemberton  say  he'd  die  sooner'n  yield,  and  hesent  lie 
caved,  and  all  his  major-ginrals  and  brfgaclears  with  him. 
Human  nater's  human  nater.  When  Shiverally  kant  light  enny 
longer,  it  cries  enufl' jest  as  kwick  as  enny  uther  man.  Oney  think 
of  it,  we  took  four  thousand  ofFsirs — "  the  best  blud  ot  the  South" 
— at  Vicksburg,  and  another  big  batch  of  the  high  cockalorum 
fellers  of  the  "  superur  race"  at  Port  Hudson.  I  tell  you  theyre 
played  out.  I  giv  em  credit  for  pluck  and  parseverance,  but 
they  kant  save  tharselves.  They'd  hev  gon  onder  long  ago,  ef 
thar'd  ben  wun  forth  as  mutch  branes  in  the  heds  of  our  roolers 
as  thar  was  pluck  in  the  harts  of  our  sqjers.  But  better  late 
than  never. 

Ime  sorry  New  York  has  disgraced  itself  jest  in  the  hour  of 
triump ;  but  I  am  confident  that  afore  this  letter  sees  the  light 
lor  and  order  will  wunst  more  hev  ben  restored. 

Lookin  for  that  result  as  confidently  as  I  do  for  Sunday 
mornin's  sun,  I  remain,  with  a  curss  for  all  anarkists, 
Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  VOLUNTEER. 


No.  CX. 

[Our  correspondent  writes  in  a  sanguine  vein  this  week.  We 
trust  his  anticipations  of  a  speedy  peace  and  a  reconstructed 
Union  will  be  realized  ;  but  doubt  that  the  object  will  be  accom- 
plished as  speedily  as  he  expects,  though  we  agree  with  him 
that  the  prospect  is  cheering. — EDS.] 

NAYSHINAL  HOTTEL,  WASHINGTON,  July  23, 1863. 
Eddyturs  of  the  Sunday  Merkary  : 

We  air  amazin  jolly  here.  Halleck  looks  as  ef  he'd  hed  a 
legasy  left  him,  and  the  President  ses  he  feels  esier  in  his  boots 
evry  time  the  tellagraft  brings  wurd  that  the  rebels  hes  got 
anuther  weltin.  You  never  seen  a  man  fuller  of  fun  than  he  is. 
It  breaks  out  spontanus  in  the  midst  of  the  gravest  bizness,  and 
shakes  the  hull  Cabnet,  from  Wellses  top-not  down  to  the  saft 
corns  on  Stanton's  toes.  He  ses  he  doosent  see  why  a  man 
should  look  as  solem  as  an  ondertaker  bekase  he  happens  to  be 
in  the  President's  cheer.  I  gess  he's  right ;  Bucannon,  you  no, 
was  an  everlastin  solem  un,  and  see  what  he  cum  to.  By  the 
way,  whar's  that  book  of  his'n  that  Judge  Black  was  to  rite,  to 
put  him  throo  with  posteriority  ? 


A     D  I  S  B  A  H  D  iC  D     V  U  I,  U  j»  U 1*  K  H .  311 

Sartainly  ef  ever  tliar  was  a  time  when  the  frends  of  E  P 
Unum  hed  a  rite  to  rejice  its  now.    He's  mounted  the  Secesh ' 
bird  to  sum  porpus  at  last,  and  why  shouldn't  he  flop  his  wings 
and  cro. 

Charleston's  goin  to  git  goss  this  time,  and  no  mistake.  "Wag- 
ner whips  em,  and  that  fort  may  possably  be  ourn  afore  you 
receve  this  letter.  When  the  Dollgrins  begin  to  tork  to  Fort 
Suinter,  I  rayther  think  the  smildin  villidge  of  Charlestun  will 
be  apt  to  larf  on  the  rong  side  of  its  mouth.  I  want  that  delite- 
ful  poplar  institooshin  leveled  down  as  smooth  as  the  back  of 
yer  hand,  and  sum  salt  keerfeelly  sowed  over  its  ruins. 

Lee  hesent  got  back  to  Richmound  yet,  and  accordin  to  the 
Cabnet  program  he's  to  be  "gobbled"  this  week.  But  I  hevent 
much  faith  in  Cabnet  programs — hev  you  ?  "When  the  Consti- 
tooshinal  advisers  put  thar  hand  to  ennything,  as  a  ginral  thing 
they  put  thar  foot  in  it.  Evryboddy  knows  that  ef  Richmound 
hed  ben  in  the  Mussysippi  Valley  it  would  hev  suckuinbedto  our 
arms  long  ago.  Ef  the  War  Department  hedent  aloud  Meade  a 
cart  blench  in  that  last  shindy  I  dessay  he'd  a  ben  knockt  eend- 
ways.  Youve  heerd  wot  old  Jo  Hooker  sed,  I  spose.  "  The 
Army  of  the  Potomac,"  ses  he,  "  fights  the  enemee  two  hours 
outer  the  twenty-four  and  the  rest  of  the  time  is  spent  in  tella- 
grafflc  skirmishin  with  Washington."  Thar  never  was  a  trooer 
bit  of  sourchasm. 

The  Richmound  papers  is  plesent  readin  about  these  days. 
Epitaffs  is  cheerful  in  caparison.  But  wot  I  pertickerly  admire 
is  the  meet  ax  stile  in  which  the  Richmound  Wig  gets  inter  Jeff 
Davises  har.  His  speshil  organ,  it  seems,  goes  in  for  givin  Jeff, 
a  Digtatership,  and  argews  that  in  the  present  desput  strait  of 
the  Suthern  Cornfedracy,  thars  nuthen  for  it  but  desputism. 
The  Wig  on  the  other  hand,  intimates  in  the  pianist  kinder  lang- 
widge,  that  it  lies  no  confidens  wotsumdever  either  in  the  hon- 
esty or  the  abilities  of  the  Suthern  rooler,  and  respeckfully  ob- 
jecks  to  his  bein  an  abesalute  monnick.  The  North  hes  made 
Lincoln  wun,  it  ses,  and  it  pertests  agin  heving  setch  a  foo-foo  as 
Jeff  Davis  to  play  tyrant  over  the  Shiverally.  Its  a  very  nice 
quarl,  but  as  the  hull  consam  is  on  its  last  legs,  its  very  foolish 
in  em  to  pitch  inter  wun  anuther  as  they  go  to  the  devil. 

I  notis  in  the  ackounts  from  Vicksburg  that  not  a  single  nigger 
prisner  was  found  in  the  wurks.  The  inferens  is  that  they  was 
all  massacreed  as  sun  as  capterd,  for  its  well  known  that  a  good 
menny  was  took.  Like  thar  speshil  and  partickler  frends,  the 
New  York  mob,  the  rebel  sojers  murderd  the  onibrtnit  critters 


313  WAB     LETTEK8. 

in  cold  blud.  This  is  the  Nineteent  Sentry  I  bleve,  and  we 
live  in  a  Christian  land.  Sartain — speshilly  the  Christian.  Sum 
Nuthem  demagogs  allows  that  this  war  of  ourn  is  a  war  for  the 
elivashin  of  the  Nigger.  Ef  it  is,  I  ken  oney  say  that  I  hope 
Sambo  likes  it ;  but  ef  I  belonged  to  the  black  resarves  of  Shin- 
bone  Alley,  I  should  resine  immedient.  This  gettin  no  kwarter 
ether  in  niilentary  sarvice  or  in  civil  sosity  is  more  eggsitin  than 
hulsum. 

The  Presedent  and  me  has  ben  torkin  over  the  ginral  pros- 
pecks  of  the  camppain  to-day,  and  we  hev  cum  to  the  conclusion 
that  the  beginnin  of  the  eend  is  more  than  three  parts  throo. 
Prehaps,  when  Mobile,  Charlestun,  Savannah  and  Richmound 
lies  hung  out  the  white  flag,  we  may  be  magnannymus,  and  offer 
the  messgided  retches  terms  that  they  will  jump  at.  The  great 
sturnblin-block  is  our  woolly-bedded  truth er.  We've  prornist 
that  he  shell  be  forever  free,  but  mebbe  onder  all  the  suckern- 
stances  he  wouldn't  mind  postponyin  the  matter  a  wile  and  takin 
his  libty  in  periodical  doses.  Ennyhow  there'd  be  no  harm  in 
axin  him,  and  ef  he  agreed  it  mought  save  afewshin  of  blud. 

John  Bull's  a  rernarkabul  saygashus  feller,  isent  he  ?  How 
well  he  guest  the  fate  of  Lee's  host  in  Pennsylvany.  The  Lon- 
don Times  proffersied  that  Jeff  Davis  would  dicktate  turms  of 
peace  from  Washington.  How  air  you  Thunderer  ?  Ime  curus 
to  see  how  the  British  oriculs  is  goin  to  crawl  out.  Wun  thing's 
shure,  they've  got  to  stop  fittin  out  Rebel  men-of-war.  My  friend 
Abraham  is  good-naterd  to  a  folt ;  but  as  he  remarkt  to  me  when 
we  last  disgust  the  subjeck,  thar  is  a  pint  at  witch  piracy  ceses 
to  be  a  virtoo.  That  pint  has  been  reeched,  and  John  Bull  may 
confidently  eggspect  kicks  ef  he  continners  to  countnance 
free  booting.  Whiting  hcs  gone  over  to  giv  him  fare  warnin, 
and  he's  either  got  to  fall  back  or  fite.  A  joak's  a  joak,  but 
this  prayin  on  our  commerce  in  British  bottoms,  is  a  belly- 
gereiit  act,  and  kan't  be  tolerated  enny  longer.  Hoping  that 
Whiting  will  do  the  matter  up  brown,  and  indooce  John  Bull  to 
do  wot  he  hates  to  when  it  interfears  with  his  intrests,  and  that's 
justice.  I  remain,  as  ushil, 

Yours  allus, 

A  DISBANDED  YOLTJNTEEB. 


THE    END. 


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